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Crit of Thranguy's Ghost and Monsters https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rA2uALX-N6Ra3UV2nnV1NSi4gBurvZrKFHfPOS2d5AE/edit The summary at the end: OK, so what did you do here? The voice of this is excellent and it does feel like it's really being told. That's important and you do it well. But is it much of a story? Not really. You got a guy talking largely about a person and then a few small pockets of things that don't really matter. Like I would've been so much more on board if the bulk of the story were much smaller in scope and focused just on the Manticore part itself. As it is, it's just a dude lamenting, which is fine on it's own and could kind of work as part of a larger thing. I could see this being a good scene in a monster hunter movie, for example. But, on it's own? Not so much. It still is an easy enough and relatively fun read, but I've seen you do much better.
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Oct 1, 2019 06:13
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Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 01:00 on Jan 2, 2020 |
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Oct 2, 2019 01:55
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I owe people things. These are the video readings I owe: Fleta Mcgurn's Use a Rubber https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gylV8qZX1GE Black Griffon's The tale told in the turtlebird's shell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NdSZQu8-9g&feature=youtu.be
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Oct 2, 2019 02:21
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Game Over: Atari Week Judgment To start off, there was plenty of bad this week. DMs go to Applewhite's Gravitar for poor editing and pacing, and to sparksbloom's The Entertainers and asap-salafi's Two Winners for putting a bunch of unpleasant characters on a page and doing nothing interesting with them. And the loss goes to Haven's Secret Quest for writing the most boringly literal interpretation of the prompt they picked for themself. The rest of the stories were okay. A fairly firm middle from which only two stories rose. An HM for antivehicular's Bat on a Pendulumand the win goes to Tyrannosaurus for The Charm, NYC. Seize the blood throne!
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Oct 2, 2019 02:22
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Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 01:00 on Jan 2, 2020 |
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Oct 2, 2019 02:29
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Week 373 Crits For these crits, I tried to find at least one element I liked in each story and one I did not. I also tried to think about how I would edit each piece and gave advice for how each author might revise their story, should they have any interest in doing so. Let me know if you have any questions or if you notice some huge error. I'm available in Discord. Gravitar This piece isn’t entirely awful. There are actually a few elements that I like: the space-faring band; the pulpy overtones; the loud and brash action. This piece could have been a nice piece of sci-fi, one that doesn’t really deviate from conventions but is still satisfying. Unfortunately, the implementation leaves a lot to be desired. To say nothing of some problems that could have been resolved with a basic copy edit (the opening is clunky as hell; there’s a difference between “than” and then;” I wouldn’t describe a tour bus as “ponderous”), this piece isn’t much more than an extended action sequence largely composed of people shouting at one another. Your characters say things but they don’t say anything that give me any sense of their personalities. The titular Gravitar isn’t introduced until over halfway through this piece, despite it being it being central to the characters lives and the plot. My advice would be threefold. First, I would introduce the Gravitar earlier on because it comes out of left field in your current draft. Second, I would give your piece some room to breathe. Include some quieter moments to let us get a sense of your characters. All action all the time isn’t conducive to flash fiction unless you really know what you’re doing. Third, I would suggest editing your pieces before you submit. I often find it helpful to read my entry aloud to myself to see if anything sounds forced or awkward. 4/10 The Entertainers This piece is technically competent and includes some nice scenes of curdled whimsey. There’s animal handlers working as office drones! Depressed clowns doing animal balloons! An acrobat shoots up an Applebee’s! I found many of these moments amusing. But something about this story feels like less than the sum of its parts. I don’t have a great sense of your narrator’s personality beyond that he is “sad” and “a clown.” I suppose this might be enough if he were a background character, but, in the spotlight, some of his actions are perplexing, done less because of some throughline in his personality and more because the story demands some bizarre response to a traumatic event. The tone also trips me up a bit. As amusing as I found some of the moments referenced in the above paragraph, they aren’t funny enough to mitigate some of the bleakness of the plot. No moment encapsulates this problem as well as your closing line, which I think was meant to be funny (“here’s an armed assailant putting down their weapon to make balloon animals”) but just comes off as nasty and cruel. I didn’t have this picked for a DM in my initial scoring but I didn’t feel motivated to defend it from the other judges either. I suppose if I were to edit this, I might give your clown a few more moments to himself and boost up his dialogue. I need something to connect his character at the start with his decision to make balloon animals later on. It might also be a good idea to either boost up some of the comedy of a washed-up circus group or to lighten some of the bleaker aspects of this story. 5/10 Secret Quest Some unnatural sentences aside, I enjoy the back-and-forth between Captain Hull and Major Phillips. The fact that this guy has been telling this same joke for three years is endearing. The pop culture references aren’t awful. I like that you focused on a singular event, a small bit of action, instead of trying for some grand, sweeping adventure. Problems start to emerge when you gesture toward a broader context without providing the reader with a sense of the setting. You talk about how “the department had already cut the rest of their staff,” but do not give the reader any sense of what this department is and what they do. There are basic aspects of the story that are mystifying to me. I could not even tell you why Captain Hull and Major Phillips are venturing through the Door. I do not understand what this monster is. Overall, your story gives the sense of overhearing someone on the phone and trying to reconstruct the other half of the conversation. If I were to edit this, I would include some very basic descriptions of the setting up at the front. Either explicitly or by implication, explain the who, what, and whys of the narrative. I’d substantially improve the blocking, as I find it extremely difficult to imagine where people and objects are relative to one another. You rely way too much on dialogue to provide what good descriptions can, a sense of place. Also, and this should go without saying, single-space your story. Don’t double space it. 4/10 Above/Besides I’m going to be completely honest with you: I thought I was going to hate this story when I started it. Your opening is an obtuse mess, a collection of words that sound vaguely prosaic and literary but are difficult to understand. It wasn’t until I was deep into your second section that I realized what this story was about. Once I got past that, though, I found this piece easier to enjoy. I like the concept of a powerful, hypnotic force that pulls people out of their lives. I like your Scully and Mulder-style protagonists venturing through the wastes to investigate it. Your second and fourth sections are very strong and I wish you had spent more time on these moments. Unfortunately, you don’t. I’ve spoken already about the opening, but none of the asides from the force are interesting enough to justify the amount of words you’ve spent on its commands. This misplaced emphasis crowds out your characters. The ending, which depends on the relationship between Sahar and Brian falls flat because you haven’t given the reader any sense of who they are to one another. Your prose is competent in the main sections and I think you could have really done a good job of capturing their interactions. If you wanted to edit this, I have three suggestions. First, I would cut the “commands” to half their current word count and be significantly more direct with what is happening. I might also italicize these sections to better differentiate them from the main action. Second, I would spend more time with Sahar and Brian, having them visit more “victims” to capture how they operate and how they feel about one another. This change, ultimately, would make Bill’s disappearance much more significant by demonstrating how important he is to Sahar. You could even use him to ask whether Sahar has fallen victim to the force or whether she cares about Bill that deeply that she’s willing to drive into the mouth of the beast to find him. 5/10 The Charm, NYC God, this story is like an ice-cold glass of water after being forced to march through a desert. Your prose is excellent. Your characters and their voices, even more so. I love how real Carl and b sound and how their actions make sense in the bizarre world in which they live. You manage to throw in a lot of very cool details that hint at something larger (“supersession” for one) while still keeping this piece tightly focused on two brothers who love one another. If I have any criticism about this piece, it is twofold. First, I’m not sure your last section is necessary. It’s a weird little postscript when this piece could have easily ended at “And I watched until it was all over.” I’m not sure exactly what you’re trying to imply with it. Second, if you are going to go with the straightforward catharsis, I might have spent a little more time with the actual act of revenge. As it stands, it comes off as a little perfunctory, as though you realized you were running out of words and decided to shorten it to a few sentences. I think there was an opportunity here to dive a little more deeply into b’s weird fairy morality and the body horror that is Carl. 9/10 Moonsweeper What’s there to say about this piece? Your prose is competent. Your blocking is fairly solid. Some of the imagery is fairly standard to the sci-fi genre but you do an adequate job portraying them. Same with your characters, who are do their jobs even if they cohere to broad archetypes and lack any flashy personalities. And I suppose that is what my fundamental issue with the story is. Despite some occasional flourishes (the simulation aspect is interesting), this piece so closely follows a sci-fi mold that it is difficult for me to sustain interest. There’s no dramatic portrayals of survival against the odds, a la The Martian, nor do you use the piece as a metaphor for some smaller, personal conflict a la Gravity or Ad Astra. (Can you tell I’ve got movies on the brain?) There’s nothing that the reader can really grab onto, and I find myself sliding away from this piece. If I were to edit this, the easiest thing to do would be to give the main characters more chemistry and more personality. Instead of relegating them to shouting survival-genre tropes (“Your vitals just spiked!” “Hold on, I’m coming to get you!”), I’d having them snipe at one another like co-workers and maybe use the narration to hint at some larger relationship. If I really felt ambitious, I would rework the description of the setting to include some bright and technicolor depictions of this event that Thompson is so desperate to see. 5/10 All in the Family Business This is a fun little series of vignettes. I enjoy the odd characters that Lou comes in contact with during his workday. The section about Tootles made me snort aloud. The section on Gio is appropriately menacing, a sudden detour after two comedic visits. You’re very talented at conveying characters and place with minimal detail. My complaint, and part of what prevented me from what rating this higher, relates to the ending. You present an unsettling scene of a rotting corpse in a pool house (a person the protagonist knew no less!) and the most you do with that scene is… have Lou clean it up. I suppose delving deeper into the horror of the scene would have meant shifting more towards a comedic horror than the straight comedy you present here, but I still feel like you missed an opportunity by not spending more words here. Lou’s callousness, his just accepting the money for rent, rubs me the wrong way. Your story takes a left turn in its last act and then just seems to come to a sudden halt. So, I suppose if I were editing this piece, I would expand a bit more on Gio and his deal, maybe hint at him in the opening section and sprinkle a few references throughout. Then, I would really spend some time fleshing out the “three jobs for Gio” and Lou’s feelings for them. It might be that he truly is in it for the paycheck alone, but having him demonstrate that seems more powerful than just telling the reader. 7/10 Why the Sheriff Retired I don’t often see Westerns in Thunderdome so I was interested to read your piece. There’s certainly quite a few interesting ideas here. I like the transformation of the mundane (“the Marshall is handsome and well-dressed) into the strange (but, like, ceaselessly).. There’s no surprise here when the Marshall reveals who he is, but the tension comes from asking when he’ll pull off his rubber mask. The ending hits just the right note for me even if it adheres closely to a model (“Oh no, the weirdo was really an alien all along!!!”). Other elements are handled less well. Some of your prose and dialogue, an attempt to mimic the style and sound of Old Western movies, is stiff. Your opening line (“Sheriff Nolan tugged on his bush-like beard causing the already slack features of his face to stretch even further”) makes it sound like the sheriff’s face is made of silly putty. I also feel like you don’t lean into the Marshall’s strangeness enough. I really wanted to see you make use of more evocative imagery than “the eyes of a wild beast.” Aside from editing to fix up some of the more awkward phrases and to add in some more striking imagery, I might make a more dramatic change to the plot. I would have the Marshall reveal his true nature toward the middle of the piece instead of at the end. While this would do away with the rather fun conclusion you set up here, I think you could have a lot of fun with a posse of cowboys trying to decide whether to help this alien creature (or not). It would also give you more time to spend on the weird fungus things and perhaps build toward a bizarro Western standoff. 6/10 Bat on a Pendulum This piece has got two things that I adore: grotesque imagery and banal horror. I was delighted by each of grandma’s little knick knacks, from the jar of coins and teeth to the garage freezer filled with dead goldfish. I also like how mundane the actual story is. Samuel isn’t being terrorized by ghosts but is instead being forced to rifle through his grandma’s old things. He sorts through them with a sense of resignation that was very understandable to me. The other psychological elements were handled less well in my view. The extended metaphor of a “bat on a pendulum” is a bit forced. Yes, your protagonist is off balance and confused by what he sees, but I see more resignation than screaming agony. There’s a paragraph near the middle where you list off his reasons for not accepting help, money and a sense of responsibility, but these elements don’t really play into any other aspects of the piece. It doesn’t seem to inform his actions. The ending arrives with a dull thud. If I were editing this, I would probably go back through and hint more at these psychological motivations throughout. I might revise the narration to have more of a frenetic energy than the slow sad thing you have going on now. 7/10 Two Winners This story’s saving grace is that is largely coherent. I understand that Matt is a gambler deep in the throes of addiction and that Davis is a major creep. I understand that they are both massive pieces of garbage in opposite ways. You provide me a clear picture of two abysmal people. But I have to ask myself if that is enough. I don’t feel any kind of emotional attachment to either of these characters; they are too self-centered to really be sympathetic. They also aren’t interesting in their awfulness, doing the kinds of things you would expect a womanizer and an addict to do. Bonfire of the Vanities this is not. The dialogue isn’t especially interesting and the prose, if I ignore the copy errors (“Charles was also sat at the same table…”), doesn’t do much either. The piece lacks any evocative imagery to hold my attention. The ending is little more than a punch line to an extremely bad joke. I had this as my pick for the loss. If I were editing this, I would probably make Matt and Davis more exceptional in their awfulness in the hopes of getting a laugh out of the reader. I might draw inspiration from the gonzo antics of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and sprinkle in some bizarre imagery of the pair’s night on the town. This change would likely require major structural revisions, but I don’t find much about this plot interesting in its current form. 3/10 Turing complete You are a talented writer, that much is clear. Your prose is vivid and jumps off the screen, whether you are describing the car’s voice “thrumming with the stuttering vibration of the powered-up engine” or veering into technobabble with “jabbing splines of invariant fractions.” Aside from the nice imagery, your sentences have a nice rhythm and flow that make them easy to read. I didn’t get bored. The problem (and I think you know this) is that there isn’t much to this piece beyond its prose. Your decision to get off to the races from line one ensures that your piece has a constant momentum to it, but it doesn’t give you the chance to put forth a more substantive story than “dude drives his car and dies.” Not every story needs to be War and Peace, but I walked away from your story feeling unsatisfied. There’s nothing that sticks with me after I finish. It’s just a rich dude wrecking his car. I’m not really sure how I would edit this piece and I’m not sure you have much interest in revisiting it. I suppose I might insert little vignettes of what he sees/does in the “intertwined skein of history” but that would almost make this piece an entirely different story. 6/10 QuoProQuid fucked around with this message at 02:34 on Oct 2, 2019 |
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Oct 2, 2019 02:30
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8-bit crits Applewhite, Gravitar Opener is a bit awkward and unclear (are there other members of the band besides these three?) But it paints a picture nicely. Is Gersh in the band or a roadie? Cude bunch... Twice. Thrice. Which spelling will prevail? Proofread better. Overall, this is competent. It takes a bit more time than I'd like to get to the main conflict or to differentiate the characters, and the long playlist of the ending slows down what should be a more frenetic ending, but a good piece overall. I liked this more than the other judges, had it as a high middle. 6/10 Sparksbloom, The Entertainers Title evokes Joplin. Opening is a bit odd, not sure if this is where a story starts. Okay, that took a dark turn. In fact, it's really just a sequence of dark turns, some fake-outs and some not. Reads as bad imitation Tarantino, a soulless copy. The dialog pops but there's no there there to the characters. Lowish, could fare badly in a strong week or slip by in a weaker one. 4/10 Haven, Secret Quest The opening is weak, reading like some time-filler segment of an episode of Stargate SG-1. Reference 'humor', more filler. The action, once it finally arrives, isn't horrible, but isn't all that gripping either. Overall, this is one of those stories that takes the most boring/literal approach to a prompt, even less forgivable for one you picked out yourself. Low. 2/10 Black Griffon, Above/Besides Strong, evocative opening. The first section is strong overall, but it's laying down lots of markers that the rest is going to need to pick up. Loose/lose. This is very good, going to be in contention. Not sure what's going on with the section heads, though. I, II, III, IV, V, VI, 6, G, O? Why double six, why count to six before go. But I like this one. 7/10 Tyrannosaurus, The Charm, NYC Strong opener. Character and contradiction established. Okay, another very good one, another contender. My one issue is that once it gets going, there's only one place it can go, and there's nothing to stand in the way of the inevitable, nobody is forced to make a difficult choice or overcome anything. The epilog doesn't solve that, other than to suggest there might be a more interesting story that starts where this one ends. 8/10 Perpetual Motion, Moonsweeper The opener suffers from saying everything it says twice. This is another one that goes a bit too literal, but it does go for an interesting interpretation, does have a bit more meat in the image to work with. Also another that ends just as it has gotten interesting. Probably mid-pack. 5/10 Nethilia, All in The Family Business The shouldn't be capitalized, probably. I guess it's foreshadowing, though. Okay opening, good character and sets something up quickly, but then slows down a lot; we don't have much tension to go on for a good while. Does Lou not get the pyramidal aspect of the master plumber position? Gets points for clever use of prompt. But loses some for skipping right over the core of the thing, what exactly he's doing (corpse disposal? I suspect a functioning criminal enterprise needs that rarely enough that it's more a retainer thing than pay on performance.) Anyhow, if there's any tension at all it's in the morality of this work versus survival versus paying rent versus complicity, all that, and it gets no time at all. Instead we get a series of themed vignettes; this story that is at its best to a reader slowly getting the unspoken punchline. Middle or high middle. 6/10 Anomalous Amalgam, Why the Sheriff Retired Spends too much time on descriptions that aren't doing anything but reenforcing cliche. Especially in the beginning. Gets much more interesting once the Marshall starts talking. Should have gotten there much faster. And again, ends just when it's gotten interesting. Middle, saved by the second half from being lower. 5/10 Antivehicular, Bat on a Pendulum Strong images for the opening. This might be my win pick, a very good piece of grounded, psychological horror. The ending- by which I mean the last paragraph, not the final discovery and reaction, could use some work, but overall very good stuff here. 9/10 Asap-Salafi, Two Winners Very weak opener. Marlboro is the cigarette brand; Malboro the final fantasy tentacle monster. Overall, we get a competent character study of two unpleasant people If Davis was completely broke, why did he have money for Jackie? The point of view switch to an omniscient narrator in the ending is very jarring. Low or Low-middle. 3/10 Sebmojo, Turing Complete Good opening. Interesting take on the prompt, but there isn't really enough going on to elevate this one to the top group, no real plot as much a series of things that happen. Middle. 6/10
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Oct 2, 2019 04:45
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Thanks for the crits!
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Oct 2, 2019 04:48
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Mods ban me please for my egregious thunderdome failure. I stand by my  (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
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Oct 2, 2019 04:53
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 In 1971, a man named Steve Goodman thought he’d written the perfect country & western song. It was called You Never Even Called Me By My Name and it was pretty good. But upon the release of his debut self-titled album, Mr. Goodman was informed that, no, he hadn’t written the perfect country & western song because he hadn’t said anything at all about Mama. Or trains. Or trucks. Or prison. Or getting drunk. So he added those elements into one final verse and the rest… well, the rest is music history. This week, you’re gonna follow in Mr. Goodman’s steps and write me the perfect country & western story. It should be pretty easy, I think. You already know the five most important things to include. I can only assume everything else will just fall into place. sign ups close friday midnight subs close sunday midnight all times eastern standard max 1600 words poo poo. You know what, after you sign up, I’m going to assign you a sixth important thing, too. Just to keep things fun. Giddyup. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 14:55 on Oct 2, 2019 |
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Oct 2, 2019 05:34
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judges me antivehicular flesnolk writers anamalous blowout anamalous amalgam thranguy black griffon fleta mcgurn slipup haven chairchucker randompaul weltlich crimea big fluffy dog pepe silvia browne notgordian asap-salafi Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 06:35 on Oct 5, 2019 |
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Oct 2, 2019 05:34
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Giddy me up.
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Oct 2, 2019 05:37
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I'm judging! Also, because I need to get the lead out: to post crits for at least two weeks I haven't critted yet by submission deadline this week, plus post crits for this week within 24 hours of judgment being posted.
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Oct 2, 2019 05:40
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In
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Oct 2, 2019 05:51
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Oct 2, 2019 05:57
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In
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Oct 2, 2019 06:23
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Chili posted:
And thank you, Chili. It's very strange and I love it very much.
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Oct 2, 2019 06:32
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in!
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Oct 2, 2019 07:13
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in
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Oct 2, 2019 13:33
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In.
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Oct 2, 2019 14:15
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in
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Oct 2, 2019 14:19
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Up for judging unless you'd prefer I enter
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Oct 2, 2019 17:05
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In
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Oct 2, 2019 17:14
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I was told in discord that I could write a song. Please disregard this post. RandomPauI fucked around with this message at 17:57 on Oct 2, 2019 |
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Oct 2, 2019 17:35
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Any of ya yellah bellied cringlings brave enough to brawl me or are ya'll too busy soiling your breeches?
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Oct 2, 2019 18:40
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SlipUp posted:Any of ya yellah bellied cringlings brave enough to brawl me or are ya'll too busy soiling your breeches? *Sets down cup of tea* I say, that’s some very bad manners and also extremely rude. One doesn’t just go about calling people cringlings. Never mind that I don’t even know what the word means, that’s beside the point. One simply does not behave this abominably in public. Therefore I feel it is my duty to teach you a lesson. *rips shirt off and flexes* BRING IT ON, SUCKA!
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Oct 2, 2019 19:56
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In with a
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Oct 2, 2019 21:43
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In.
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Oct 3, 2019 00:15
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In 2019, Lil Nas X released his hit single Old Town Road. It rose to number nineteen on the Billboard Hot Country charts and would have hit number one except it was deemed "not country enough" by a bunch of dumb white dudes being dumb (and probably super racist). I bring this up because people seem to be confused as to what a "country & western story" is. I will be judging thusly: does it include Mama, trains, trucks, prison, and getting drunk? If yes, then it is a country & western story. If no, it is not. A lot of freedom here, is what I'm saying. Giddyup.Anomalous Blowout posted:Giddy me up. At least one dog that can talk Ghosts (can be casual) Kaiju (can be metaphorical) The powerful magic of friendship Mother Africa Weird blood magic Haven posted:In. A fuckton of dynamite (or similar explosive) The circus Eating the rich Weltlich posted:In with a Dead snakes (possibly, but not necessarily, where they shouldn't be) crimea posted:In. Crop circles
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Oct 3, 2019 01:12
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Perfect. I was already working on a playlist for inspiration! Edit: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzQHka211Mxq4wUOfrT6dSQOn4N_fr-qB RandomPauI fucked around with this message at 01:39 on Oct 3, 2019 |
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Oct 3, 2019 01:34
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In
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Oct 3, 2019 03:16
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Doctor Zero posted:*Sets down cup of tea* SlipUp posted:Any of ya yellah bellied cringlings brave enough to brawl me or are ya'll too busy soiling your breeches? Please stand by for prompt
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Oct 3, 2019 09:56
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Flesnolk posted:Please stand by for prompt don't grab a brawl judging if you haven't got a prompt you nonce fight me
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Oct 3, 2019 11:21
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No. Now as I was saying: SlipZero brawl It took me a little bit to think of a prompt. So give me 2000 words max about someone who has to make an important decision, do something important, and just... doesn't have it. They don't necessarily need to fail, but I want relatable stories about that struggle. I think we've all been there, and all felt like useless hack frauds when we were. I'm going to make this a little harder: No speculative elements, and no nonhuman characters. Pets are okay. Stories don't have to be in the year 2019 AD but let's keep dragons and the fae and stuff out of here. You have until October 17th, 2019 Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 12:08 on Oct 3, 2019 |
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Oct 3, 2019 11:47
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Christmas
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Oct 3, 2019 13:26
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I'm in.
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Oct 3, 2019 14:52
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In with a ::
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Oct 3, 2019 17:09
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Pepe Silvia Browne posted:I'm in. Athena NotGordian posted:In with a : Hammertime
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Oct 3, 2019 21:37
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Flesnolk posted:No. 
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Oct 4, 2019 01:39
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Oct 4, 2019 15:53
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