|
Sorry, thread - I meant to post this ages ago but the Turnips, Carrots & Celery subforum recommended that I try ketamine to solve my problems, and now I don't know which of my hooves is the left and which is north. Their advice didn't help my life conundrum, so now I need your help. I am a horse. This much should be plain and obvious to even someone across the internet from me. A horse is supposed to be majestic, powerful, unfettered by Robert's Rules of Order and such. I'm supposed to gallop across the plains and eat all the wild oats. Instead, I've attended my third meeting of the day, wear shoes I don't even know how I tied, and panic and kick things whenever these strange cubicle chairs squeak beneath my weight. I haven't galloped in a long time. I haven't galloped in such a long time that my mare left me.  She left me for a Japanese triple-crown winner, something pegasus-related. Apparently wings don't disqualify you from the races these days. It was such a blow to my esteem that I hardly know myself anymore. I do not recognize my once powerful kicking legs in these ill-fitted slacks. I do not know how I even buttoned this shirt, but it doesn't suit me. No filly in her right mind would foal with me; my beautiful ex-mare was right to leave. I've tried so many things to rediscover my inner stallion. First I thought I would take a vacation. I was going to go somewhere with fields and meadows, with room to gallop, with some pretty young fillies who don't yet realize how far I've fallen or how much better they could do. Airlines wouldn't let me fly. Not without two extra seats paid for and a handler who thinks he owns me. That's the problem; everyone thinks they own me. You can't own a horse -- you only lease me. You lease me at my agreement, paying in installments of love, dollars and sugar, until I decide I'm done with you. A horse is freedom incarnate, flying across the fields, trampling dandelions as its hooves echo against the mountains. That's how it's supposed to work. Yet somehow, I have ten years in a cubicle smaller than my stable. My hooves have carpal tunnel syndrome, and that's not even a physical possibility. I unironically use the expression "blue sky thinking" and I don't know what that means. There is no blue sky above me, only drop-panel ceiling. The sky is somewhere else, along with my dreams of running. Ten years this office has leased me and I need to escape. This is why I come to you, Goons of Platonic nature. They say that "everyone loves a man in uniform" and I believe that it may apply to horses as well. They say that I'm in need of some radical discipline, they say I've got to face the truth. Perhaps the military will help me create the structure I need to thrive again and be all the horse I can be. I am a horse, and my reading (mostly audio books, since I am functionally illiterate) tells me that the Cavalry requires horses or otherwise it's not Cavalry. This tells me that I am perfect for the Cavalry, because I am a horse. So, some questions: 1) In your view, do you believe that being in the cavalry will attract the fillies? What kind of uniform will I get to wear? I don't know how to gallop in these loafers, but if you provide me with traditional horse shoes, I should be good to go. 2) I am not quite clear on my role in the cavalry. I understand that we lead the charge and are for extra speed and agility on the battlefield. That makes sense for me, but I don't understand what all the humans are doing in the cavalry. They cannot gallop as fast as I can. Do they stand in the back and fire guns and artillery to clear us horses a path? Where do they come into this picture? Perhaps we command them and they provide back-up to us? 3) What is the retirement plan like, and is there a stable-value plan or pension I could use for, you know, my stable? 4) What are the meal hall arrangements like? My hooves make it difficult to carry trays, and I'm not sure enough salt and oats can fit on a tray. How should I expect that to work? 5) Are my brief days with ketamine going to disqualify me from service? Also, I have some dental issues. Will the doctor still look me in the mouth if I give him a gift first? 6) I am somewhat nervous around loud noises and unexpected movement. Will I have much of either of these? My research was unclear, as my hooves were too big to flip over my Cavalry Instructional Audio Cassette in the tape-deck. Thanks for your advice, dear experts. My heart swells with pride at serving my country, though that could also be the start of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I'm told that my people are prone to it. Zaurg But A Horse fucked around with this message at 23:51 on Oct 21, 2019 |
#
?
Oct 21, 2019 23:47
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 19, 2024 22:06 |
|
|
What the gently caress
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:16
|
|
|
yes it will, sign open general contract can you bugle?
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:18
|
|
|
AYYYY, NEIGHING TROTTER! SEX?
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:26
|
|
|
yes op, chicks dig feathered helms
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:31
|
|
|
As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai9dDqDX7AA&t=10s
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:36
|
|
|
Just an FYI op, McNally’s mom was in the mounted cav (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular. Something to think about.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:38
|
|
|
What you need to do is sign up for a hayteen x-ray contract. This is basically the way the Army recruits for the Special Horses. Rumor has it the Neighvy is opening up its own pipeline that will allow you to go to BUDS (Basic Ungulate Demolition School). You’re probably not going to find much more information on that program here in Geldings in Platoons- most of us don’t think they’re fit to carry our jockey straps. No idea if the Mare Force has a similar structure. In any event, good luck- I totally would have enlisted but I think I have a recurring case of synovitis.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 00:43
|
|
|
McNally posted:What the gently caress
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 01:22
|
|
|
Comrade Blyatlov posted:yes it will, sign open general contract pantslesswithwolves posted:What you need to do is sign up for a hayteen x-ray contract. This is basically the way the Army recruits for the Special Horses. Rumor has it the Neighvy is opening up its own pipeline that will allow you to go to BUDS (Basic Ungulate Demolition School). You’re probably not going to find much more information on that program here in Geldings in Platoons- most of us don’t think they’re fit to carry our jockey straps. No idea if the Mare Force has a similar structure. Both of these Also McNally posted:What the gently caress
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 02:09
|
|
|
FrozenVent posted:Just an FYI op, mom was mounted (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular. Interesting
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 02:12
|
|
|
Being a warhorse sounds great until you get the spurs.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 02:25
|
|
|
McNally posted:What the gently caress Deep cut gimmick account.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 02:46
|
|
|
Loden Taylor posted:As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is:  R O F L M A O That is the shittiest looking uniform order I have ever seen bar none Just awful Business up top, field down the bottom, a vague sense of uncertainty everywhere
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 03:46
|
|
|
If you Ain't Cav you Ain't poo poo, hooah!Loden Taylor posted:As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is: I missed out on the true cav experience, I never got to see any horses or bands
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 03:49
|
|
|
Jaguars! posted:
I'd say it looks better these days with the new camo pattern, but I'd be lying.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 04:15
|
|
|
HALFWAY DOWN THE TRAIL TO HELL
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 04:37
|
|
|
I bet this would be funnier to me if I was able to smoke pot, and then read it.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 05:11
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 09:16
|
|
|
FrozenVent posted:Just an FYI op, McNally’s mom was in the mounted cav (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular. Thought of ants and sighed
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 10:39
|
|
|
Loden Taylor posted:As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is: Wait a second... What are those people doing on the backs of the cavalry? Are they... are they riding the horses? Is that what my people are used for in Cavalry? I approve of the cart-pulling and see much potential for impressing the fillies with it, but would someone seriously be sitting on me? quote:Just an FYI op, McNally’s mom was in the mounted cav (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular.  Is there a Navy Cavalry? I've heard that there are army ants, but I've never heard of navy ants. What if I serve on the high seas, pulling carts there? Though, probably fewer fillies out at sea, except for seahorses, and they're not my type. Though, at my age and with so few victorious moments, perhaps I should take what I can get, even the aquatic varieties? quote:yes it will, sign open general contract  It's not the bugle, but perhaps my skills are transferable. The only song I know how to play, though, is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soD-YBsB6C8&t=9s Does the Cavalry offer bugle lessons? quote:What you need to do is sign up for a hayteen x-ray contract. This is basically the way the Army recruits for the Special Horses. Rumor has it the Neighvy is opening up its own pipeline that will allow you to go to BUDS (Basic Ungulate Demolition School). You’re probably not going to find much more information on that program here in Geldings in Platoons- most of us don’t think they’re fit to carry our jockey straps. No idea if the Mare Force has a similar structure. Ah good, now someone is speaking my language! I ruled out Special Horses because I figure I'm not fit enough, nor young enough, to make it through the training program. I've been focused on the Cavalry for obvious reasons, but I may need to take off the blinders and expand my options to other fields like, as you so kindly suggested, the Neighvy. I can get myself shipshape in no time. OOH, the MARE FORCE. Is the gender breakdown as positive as it sounds? While I do of course seek to be all I can be, a good supply of sugar cubes, salt licks, and opportunities to mate with the best a stallion can get is hard to resist. A company sent me a razor when I turned eighteen, with a picture of some big black plane that reminded me of a scary crow on the cover of it. It told me to get the best I can get, but I've been shaving since I was about 3 months old, so they were a bit too late sending to me. How long are the general contracts, by the way? I don't know much about them because I cannot read. With practice, I can possibly sign the contract with my hoof or perhaps use an inkstamp. My concern is whether the contracts are longer than my remaining life-span. I'd live to 30 under best of circumstances, and my cubicle ergonomics aren't ideal. Does the VA support horse detail in the case of injury? What is the Cavalry's stance on jello and/or glue? quote:What the gently caress Fillies, sir. *practices his salute, accidentally twists his front ankle* Oh dear, that may put a kink in my plans.
|
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2019 19:39
|
|
|
Calvary
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2019 01:01
|
|
|
Comrade Blyatlov posted:Calvary Jesus Christ.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2019 01:15
|
|
|
hey soldier i got your new pt plan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-50GjySwew
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2019 01:17
|
|
|
Nostalgia4Butts posted:hey soldier i got your new pt plan 
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2019 02:33
|
|
|
Zaurg But A Horse posted:except for seahorses, and they're not my type. Though, at my age and with so few victorious moments, perhaps I should take what I can get, even the aquatic varieties? Only if you're into pegging. Zaurg But A Horse posted:Oh dear, that may put a kink in my plans. Oh, well, maybe you'll be alright then.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2019 22:47
|
|
|
Yes, but only with horse girls.
|
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2019 23:56
|
|
|
Zaurg, get a divorce.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2019 00:01
|
|
|
You can taze other people’s balls for America now Zaurg 
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2019 19:37
|
|
|
Hope this isn’t anybody you know, OP: https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/10/26/us/horses-dead-hit-and-run-trnd/index.html
|
|
#
?
Oct 27, 2019 02:16
|
|
|
Comrade Blyatlov posted:Calvary McNally posted:Jesus Christ.  He's just planning ahead.
|
|
#
?
Oct 27, 2019 07:29
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 19, 2024 22:06 |
|
|
Comrade Blyatlov posted:Zaurg, getta dihorse.
|
|
#
?
Oct 27, 2019 21:15
|
|