Randaconda posted:

lmao

do you have a link to that

Kwasimodick posted:

Reg Date: Apr 1, 2013by XyloJW

Nova - 712 words



I felt so proud driving my new car around. Gassing it up to 100 on the highway made me feel excited. Honking the horn at red lights made me laugh. I didn’t give a drat about what that car cost me.

Yeah, I had to sleep in bed with dad for half a year to get the Nova. After mom died, Dad had no luck dating. We met a few of his first dates: friendly, cool women. After each date he’d return to the house and tell us about how he hosed up by admitting something negative about himself or by talking about how lonely he was. Dad wanted women that were way out of his league, even with his money, and we all knew it. Him included.

He never paid much attention to my sister, I guess she was too fat for him. But me, he always liked me. Around the time I entered middle school he would grab my hips and pull me towards him, lining us up. “This is how you were born!” he’d say, making no sense.

Date after date after date, and never a second meeting. He blew it with every nice woman in town. Every once in a while he’d go out with someone that liked him, but afterwards at home he’d tell us about all of her flaws and why it wouldn’t work. Then, after my sister went to bed, he’d come into my room wearing a speedo and try to hug me.

After awhile he became bold and declared his scheme: if I slept in bed with him every night for 6 months, he’d buy me a used Pontiac Nova. He didn’t specify what year, but I had to think about it for a whole five minutes before I agreed.

In the beginning I was pretty grossed out by all the chip crumbs in bed and such. Mom was in charge of getting Dad new underwear, and since her death he had never replenished the stash. Stains were rampant and undeniably wrong.

Every night he would spoon me. Sometimes he’d pulse a bit, breathing hard, nibbling at my ear. Other times he’d fall asleep with a hand on my shoulder. Whatever it was, I counted the days until my car. I’d be free.

Finally the day came. He had a couple friends down at the dealership, two brothers, and they showed us to a late-model Nova. Did I expect better? Yeah. Was I disappointed? Not really. I didn’t say one word to either brother, but after a bunch of back-slapping and guffaws father and I were leaving the lot in separate vehicles. This was it.

Later that night, as I was about to leave to pick up Megan for the first-ever ride, I could hear a noise coming from Dad’s room. He was crying. Prying the door open, he noticed me. “You’re never gonna sleep with me again, son.” I looked at my watch and then stared at his back. He was sniffling like a baby. “Since mom’s gone you don’t need me any more.” I didn’t know what to do, but I had to get out of there to pick up Megan soon. “Why… why don’t you come down to Jamingo’s Pizzeria with us, dad? It’ll be cool.”

He turned around, bottle of whiskey in hand, with a huge smile on his face. “Do ya mean it??” he asked. When I answered in the affirmative, he scooped up his waist size 44 pants and dashed over to me with a huge alcohol-laden hug. I got in the driver’s seat while he took up most of the back of the car.

After picking up Megan, who was definitely more than a little disappointed upon discovering the identity of my first passenger, we were making our way to Jamingo’s at last. On Nutler street the lights shot up behind me and I knew I was being pulled over.

Dad was farting and belching rapid-fire in the back seat. The policeman shined his light and saw dad’s crack and immediately drew his pistol. It was all over.

Years later, I think about what that car cost me. If I could get rid of the Nova and have my dad back, I’d do it in a second.

verbal enema posted:

whatever happened in the end of the 14 inch dick story

pentyne posted:

It went from a Steven Universe-esque cartoon fascination to straight up escapist fetish porn in the space of one year. By the 2nd year of its existence you had giant sweaty fatbeards in the same convention lines at young girls to meet the VAs only these adult men wanted to ask if the VAs thought their character was banging other characters and asking them to sign drawings of ponies getting railed or abused by other ponies/humans/objects.

It became so bad that every single depicted character became a source of sexual drawings to the point of where the creators had to have a weird rear end social awareness message that searching google for the ponys would likely bring up porn in just a small handful of clicks.

Someone somewhere posted a really good breakdown of what became the "brony" phenomenon in that MLP has existed for 30+ years and suddenly a ton of maladjusted nerdy men are huge fans? It's all about the porn. Porn and other weird as poo poo borderline sexual stuff. And the fans had a stunning, stunning lack of self awareness. The whole "sad pony in Holocaust photo" really sums up how mentally broken these people are.

The loving "Fallout Equestria" which just google it because I'm not quoting it was a 1000+ page gore/rape/violence fanfic about ponies living in the Fallout setting and was trumpeted as a massive literature accomplishment.

ExplodingSims posted:

By Aatrek

verbal enema posted:

whatever happened in the end of the 14 inch dick story

twistedmentat posted:

I remember the first time I became aware that MLP was becoming popular with adults is a goon going "No its really smart and makes lots of jokes clearly made for adults, like references to Scarface and Elvis". Yea that's basically every kids cartoon of the last 20 (30 years). It always struck me as weird, because it was something that my cousins daughters were into, but what was the appeal to adult men that they couldn't get from every other cartoon?

Equeen posted:

My guess is that it the newer MLP show was basically a "cute girls doing cute things" anime, but with Western animation.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

He exploited built-up trust to commit rape. He is a rapist.

BIG FLUFFY DOG posted:

Check his rap sheet for others.

BIG FLUFFY DOG posted:

Check his rap sheet for others.

DemoneeHo posted:

I'm not sure of the exact details, but aatrek committed the crime and was convicted during his tenure as mod, correct?

Someone in another said that his cover story for going to jail or whatever was him taking a year off in Africa to do volunteer work.

Foul Ole Ron posted:

Who was that poster that wrote detailed stories about him or others having their anal muscle ripped during sex and them making GBS threads everywhere?

Also what ever happened to A/T mod siege?

Solice Kirsk posted:

Are talking about GE Cafe? The goon who hosed his own rear end so hard some of it fell out in the toilet?

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1882534

Shut up Meg posted:

On a lighter note: remember the goon who picked up an old tanker wagon and set up a nice little business emptying septic tanks?

I wonder how he is doing. Is he King of the poo poo yet?

Ugly In The Morning posted:

Yeah, but they weren’t marketing that way.

The “Joose” (phenazapam) stuff in TCC was a doozy. Someone who followed the thread better can probably sum it up more but I can definitely answer questions about why benzos are basically a pill that
turns you into a lunatic idiot. And why withdrawal can actually kill you. Yaaaay pharmacology classes.

Shut up Meg posted:

We mentioned Bigpeeler, but how about his Tales From the Zoo?:



https://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/tales-from-zoo/1/

Equeen posted:

My guess is that it the newer MLP show was basically a "cute girls doing cute things" anime, but with Western animation.

AngryRobotsInc posted:

From having a kid who watched it, yeah, pretty much. A lot of "Trust your friends", "Be nice to people", "Don't judge people without cause", type of messages, very cutesy, and most definitely for kids. The jokes for the parents watching are not at all unusual compared to other children's shows, and are mostly just elbow nudging sort of stuff from the animators and writers.

Shut up Meg posted:

Or how about Robo...

The Saddest Rhino posted:

pentyne posted:

Wasn't tribute.wmv a SA creation?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AYujWCCHRk

twistedmentat posted:

It's all basic modern kids show stuff and probably is a bit smarter because Lauren Faust is pretty cool. Maybe its related to why Sonic has such an insane fanbase when 90% of its content is utter garbage; Sonic has very simple and easy to understand emotions and messages that people with stunted emotional growth from growing up with terrible boomer parents in the suburbs have.

razorrozar posted:

anyone got a link to the original JoeyVapes thread handy?

mjq jazz bar posted:

So, I bought a couple of dvds off some web site a few weeks ago and I was pretty upset they haven't come in the mail already. So today I stuck around the house until the mailman came, he brought me a package but it wasn't the dvds I was waiting for. I asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had no control over when the company sends me the dvds. He said I should try to contact them. That did it. I couldn't belive this guy, I pay my taxes and this guy thinks he has the right to sass me in front of my euro mansion, in my freaking driveway? I lifted up my shades, took the cigar out of my mouth, looked him straight in the eye and said " I'm afraid this package is marked return to sender", and then I threw the package in the air and sidekicked the package right into the guys face causing teeth to go everywhere. I then saw one of my ederly neighbors walking toward me so I assumed he wanted trouble as well so I gave him a swift round kick to the ribs, I then looked at him and said "time to take out the garbage" and hip tossed him into the garbage can. I then picked up the crying mailman and threw him into the garbage can, after I had my "garbage collected", I picked up the garbage can and said "let the good times roll" and threw the garbage can down the hill. I didn't see those two guys again but I don't really care, I took the mailbag and threw it in my fireplace since it was a little chilly here today.

mjq jazz bar posted:

I came home this afternoon after picking up my copy of gta and I smelled something funny from my neighbors house. I went over there and the door was unlocked so I went right in. Sure enough there was my neighbor and two of his friends smoking to their hearts content. I told them they had two options, one- they could put the joints out or two- I would put the joints out for them. My neighbor had run ins with me before so he knew I meant business so he threw his joint down and told me to leave. I said you made a wise choice but I'm still calling the cops and then I turned to leave. My neighbor then got up off the couch got behind me and said a few cuss words and told me to mind my business. Well that did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "lets get high". I then front kicked him a good 8 feet in the air. Then his other friend came at me with the bong, I grabbed his arm, snapped it and then hit him in the stomach with the bong. His other friend ran into the kitchen so I went after him. He was in the corner crying so I said "this is your brain" and then I grabbed a frying pan and said "this is your brain on drugs" and then I hit him in the head as hard as I could with the frying pan. After that I called the cops and they came over and arrested my neighbor and his friends. As I was leaving the sarge shouted out to me thanks. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said " well you know sarge, perhaps if we build a freaking dunkin doughnuts on this street it would give you guys a excuse to ride up here once or twice a week and keep the crime down. I then threw my shades on the ground to let him know I meant business. I feel pretty good about what I did for my neighborhood today. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

So, I was at work yesterday, and I happened to walk by this guy's desk. I noticed on his computer screen that he had his personal E-mails pulled up. I asked him who he thought he was to do this on company time, and then, he told me that his daughter was sick at home, so he was checking up on her. I then punched his cimputer screen out, and Look him straight in the eye and said, " Who do you think I am? Jerry Lewis? I dont want to hear your sob story, so get back to work before I get you fired." He then said a few cusswords, and then, then He tried to punch me, I blocked it, then , I gave him a swift, round kick to the groin. I asked him if he wanted some more, and he came at me, again, so, I slapped him, then I hip tossed him into the nearest filing cabinent. I looked Over my should at anther worker who was standing near by, and I said...." File him under G..... for garbage." Needless to say, I was quite pleased, because now, that means there one less person in the company for people to look at. All eyes should be on me. I'm a stud. ~ mjq jazz bar
[quote="mjq jazz bar"]
Well, I walk in to buy some tissues, and at the counter, I hear the manager talking about some skateboard punks in the back by the garbage bins. The guy said he was about to have to call the cops. I told him there's no need to, I'll take care of it myself. So, I walked to the back of the store, and lo and behold, a couple of good for nothings were tearing the place up. A couple of them asked me what I was doing here, so I took of my shades, looked them straight in eye, and said, " Well boys, I'm here to take out the trash, then I grabed one of their skateboards, and broke it over my knee. Then, one of them threw a punch at me. I caught it, and looked thr punk straight in the eye, and said " I'm afraid theres no need for you to be recycled, then I threw him straight over my head into one of the garbage dumpsters. Then, the rest of the kids ran away in fear. I was glad I could help my community, and look good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

Around the corner from my weight training job they have a cafe where they make pretty good cheeseburgers. Usually I get mine with mushrooms and onions. Well today I went in there and there was this stoner bitch in there with enormous dreadlocks and a nose ring which is a violation of the safety code. I said 'Where is the regular chef' and she said 'I don't know' very rudely to me and that's when I noticed she had not sauteed up any onions for my burger. I said "you need to learn some customer service" and then she said some cuss words to me and told me maybe I should go to Burger King. But I like to support local businesses so I looked her straight in the eye and said "the customer is always right" and grabbed her by the dreads and slammed her face onto the skillet. She screamed and then the manager came running at me with a chopping knife so I looked him straight in the eye and said "chop this" and karate chopped his wrist and broke it immediately. I picked the girl up off of the floor and said "you are what you eat" and poured the boiling grease off of the fryer into her mouth. I was glad that I could set an example of what a good citizen should do in this situation, and everyone in the cafe applauded me. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

Me and my friend went to fill up my corvette last night and there were these two punks there sitting on the sidewalk of the gas station with their radio blasting. I was trying to think as I pumped gas but their radio made that hard to do. I was not pleased. So I went in and payed for the gas and then I went up to the two punks outside. I said excuse me but I think you need to turn your radio down. They told me to chill, they were just hanging out and having a few smokes. I then looked them in the eye and said " I'm afraid this is the no smoking section boys" and then I kicked their radio up against the side of the gas station. Then one of them stood up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a round kick to the stomach. Then the other one took what was left of the radio and threw it at me, I blocked it with my left hand which caused it to go sailing back and knock him out. Then a middle aged man which looked to be in his 50's came up and asked what was going on. I wasn't sure if he was with me or against me so I assumed he was against me, I then gave him a swift front kick to the groin and hip tossed him on top of the other guys there. I then walked back to my car where my friend just stood there in awe, I asked him why he didn't help me and he said it looked like I had things under control. I slapped him and pushed him to the ground and told him to walk home. I then got in my corvette turned up the radio to full blast and much to my suprise welcome to the jungle was playing. I then sped off with that song playing full blast. I felt pretty good about standing up for my rights and I looked good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

It was a nice day today so I went for a walk out side. As I was walking, I heard somebody crying out in pain so I went to investigate, when I turned the corner I saw a kid that had fallen off his bike and he was grabbing his leg and crying. There was this guy already there and he told me that he was a doctor and he thought this kid had a broken leg. I could tell this guy was lying because he didn't have any white coat, I don't like liars so I pushed him out of the way. My training in medical school showed me that I had to get the kid's leg straight again, so I started pounding his knee to get the bone straight again. Thats when the guy that claimed to be a "doctor" called me a moron and pushed me out of the way. Well that did it. I got up, took my shades off, looked him straight in the eye and said " open wide doc" and then I gave him a swift kick to the mouth. I then grabbed him and said "time to make a house call " and then I threw him through a window of a near by house. The kid stopped crying then, I guess my pounding earlier worked. I told the kid not to thank me but I did need 20 dollars for my time. He only had 14 so I took his bike as well. I feel pretty good about fixing the kid's leg. ~mjw jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

So I was sitting in the back corner of eat ‘n park a restaurant in the northeastern region and I hear this group of punk kids terrorizing their waitress, and I stumble over there and ask the beautiful lady what the problem seems to be. The kids being the adept punks they are give her a glare that tells her not to talk or else therell be problems but I know better than this and I tell them that if they don’t apologize to this beautiful belle theyre going to have to answer to me. I pull my shades out of my back pocket, slip a comb through my wet hair, and tell them they have 10 seconds to apologize. The leader of the gang a chubby kid tells me to get loss and then throws the peg game on his table at my face. “I pegged you as the wise sort, and I don’t play games!” says I, and I grab a tonfa from the cop sitting at the table next to them and tell them today’s special, punks served sunny side up, with a side of hollandaise. I crack the tonfa over two punk heads, do a roundkick, and then hiptoss the runt of the crew into the pie fridge. “Creamed or Key Limed? ” I ask the cop as he slips me a fiver and gives me a back high five. He tells me Ive done a good job as a citizen, and I kiss the beautiful waitress on the cheek, run my comb through my hair once more and leave the restaurant on my harley. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

I was in town with one of my girlfriends today, and I decided to play one of those scratch off games again, I was very suprised when I won 1 million dollars on the spot, this was like the second time I won the lottery. I was about to claim my prize but then I thought to myself I'm already rich why not have some fun with this one? I told my girlfriend I was tired of her already so I left her at the gas station and went to find me some poor suckers. What better place than wal mart? I went up and down the asles until I found a bad dressed man and wife along with their kid. I went up to the guy and showed the guy the ticket, and told him since I didnt need the money I was going to give it to him and his family, when he started to tear up I tore up the ticket and threw the pieces on the ground. I then started to walk away but this spinless punk then took a swing at me when my back was turned. That did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "feeling lucky". I then gave him a swift kick in the ribs and threw him into the pet section, I then caught a wal mart guy coming at me so I took a knife out of my jacket and threw it toward a chain holding up a sign, I then looked at the guy and said "watch out for falling prices" and then the sign fell on him and knocked him out. I left the store but not before I complained to the manager about the kind of people they let in there. ~mjq jazz bar

Mammal Sauce posted:

Here you go: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3403908&pagenumber=1&perpage=40

Grassy Knowles posted:

I don’t know if this counts as a saga but this gimmick is so spot on it always gets me

Grassy Knowles posted:

I don’t know if this counts as a saga but this gimmick is so spot on it always gets me

Who What Now posted:

You know I just remembered Hellbastard was a thing. How did he eventually go nutso?

Who What Now posted:

You know I just remembered Hellbastard was a thing. How did he eventually go nutso?

Sid Vicious posted:

When gbs went lawless everyone was finally allowed to tell him what they thought of him with no repercussions and boy oh boy did they ever