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Jenny Agutter
Mar 18, 2009

ScrubLeague posted:

the tree of life is a beautiful, devastating, frustrating, inspiring piece of visual art. it's not a very good movie, but that's not the point. it's one of those movies where the creation is the art, and the act of an audience seeing it is irrelevant to its purpose. but it's not a very good movie.

What's a good movie. what makes a movie good. how much YouTube movie criticism do you watch

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A Gnarlacious Bro
Apr 25, 2007

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Good movie is when you notice the themes

vyelkin
Jan 2, 2011

Jenny Agutter posted:

What's a good movie. what makes a movie good. how much YouTube movie criticism do you watch

Parasite is a good movie, work backward from there.

Jenny Agutter
Mar 18, 2009

good movie is when the lights flash and the sound booms and it is very exciting

A Gnarlacious Bro
Apr 25, 2007

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Jenny Agutter posted:

good movie is when the lights flash and the sound booms and it is very exciting

Then you watch the most relatable nerd on youtube tell you which lights flash and sound booms were a visual metaphor for "capitalism bad" and "cultural atomization"

Peanut President
Nov 5, 2008



all movies are good

Equeen
Oct 29, 2011

Pole dance~
art, resonating with you emotionally? ew. everyone knows a movie is good if it has no plotholes.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

There, now I can tell when you're posting.

-- A friend :)

Panzeh posted:

Using advanced statistical analysis to make better decisions in sports is good, but sports are very controlled environments compared to elections.

NBA analytics are resulting in incredibly satisfyig basketball where there's actually room in the lane instead of teams deciding everybody has to post up into clogged paint.

Yeah, the only caution may be if a sport itself is too chaotic. While I think a lot of (UK) soccer fans' distrust of statistics is based on earlier bad use of them and self-perception of their analytical ability and cultural, there is a reason why stats work in baseball and football so well.

Those two sports constantly reset to a limited state of player positioning every play, and there are both a lot of individual plays in a game and in the case of baseball, a lot of games for data points.

By comparison, hockey, soccer, and basketball are much more free moving, and except for set pieces to start or restart play, there's no guarantee the players will ever return to a similar position, even across games. But apparently the leagues and teams feel there's some use to it, because they're investing in it.

But yeah, I'm very pro stats in general, it just has been hijacked by dumbasses looking to make a buck.

I guess sports are pop culture? Sports are fun but are fantasy capitalism? I don't know.

THS
Sep 15, 2017

Peanut President posted:

all movies are good

Egg Moron
Jul 21, 2003

the dreams of the delighting void

I am about to watch the first episode of the picard show

I think it is going to suck really bad

we shall see

THS
Sep 15, 2017

Over Easy posted:

I am about to watch the first episode of the picard show

I think it is going to suck really bad

we shall see

oh it’s going to be dogshit

T-man
Aug 22, 2010


Talk shit, get bzzzt.

actually all movies are bad

Soup du Jour
Sep 8, 2011

I always knew I'd die with a headache.

I want to see benoit blanc in at least three more movies with increasingly silly accents

knives out kicks rear end

HerraS
Apr 15, 2012

Looking professional when committing genocide is essential. This is mostly achieved by using a beret.

Olive drab colour ensures the genocider will remain hidden from his prey until it's too late for them to do anything.



T-man posted:

actually all movies are bad

wrong bitch


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHqtBZVUsxo

A Gnarlacious Bro
Apr 25, 2007

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Please watch “come and see”

Egg Moron
Jul 21, 2003

the dreams of the delighting void

uhhhh i'm halfway through and it is kind of good?

Egg Moron
Jul 21, 2003

the dreams of the delighting void

Picard has got the same tone as Logan

the first episode is all set-up and it takes some interesting turns

the next episode is assembling a crew and shifting into space and we know at certain points there will be seven of 9 and either Thomas or William Riker (both would be awesome) with Troi


it is bizarrely actiony

StashAugustine
Mar 24, 2013

Do not trust in hope- it will betray you! Only faith and hatred sustain.

Im rewatching The Mission and this movie remains a masterpiece

ScrubLeague
Feb 11, 2007

Nap Ghost

Jenny Agutter posted:

What's a good movie. what makes a movie good. how much YouTube movie criticism do you watch

almost none? i think a movie is good when it intentionally provokes an emotional reaction. i had no reaction during or after watching the tree of life, it just happened to me. i still think it's a beautiful piece of existential collaborative art, but i don't think it transcends the space between screen and viewer like good movies do.

Sheng-Ji Yang
Mar 5, 2014



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e63e_RgvDvY

Percelus
Sep 9, 2012

My command, your wish is


i have a sudden urge to throw lmm in a trashcan, if i was forced to watch the entire musical i'd probably snap

Percelus
Sep 9, 2012

My command, your wish is

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS8S3ZxVWBw

clear my thoughts of all lmm and chill

StashAugustine
Mar 24, 2013

Do not trust in hope- it will betray you! Only faith and hatred sustain.

I kind of want to read les mis at some point. Apperently Hugo actually took up arms to put down the workers rebellion in 48 and then got shocked when no one trusted him to organize against Louis Napoleon lol

Percelus
Sep 9, 2012

My command, your wish is

i haven't read it since middle or high school i dont even remember, it's good but the musical does a really fantastic job of capturing all the important plot points

ScrubLeague
Feb 11, 2007

Nap Ghost
i remember it being a surprisingly fast read for a book so big

Hodgepodge
Jan 29, 2006
Probation
Can't post for 272 days!

ScrubLeague posted:

almost none? i think a movie is good when it intentionally provokes an emotional reaction. i had no reaction during or after watching the tree of life, it just happened to me. i still think it's a beautiful piece of existential collaborative art, but i don't think it transcends the space between screen and viewer like good movies do.

it's not terribly unusual to not be able to articulate this sort of thing any better than this, so not to single you out

but

you know you basically just typed out some mystical babble that could just as easy describe sex with an alien entity made of energy or something right?

gradenko_2000
Oct 5, 2010

HELL SERPENT
Lipstick Apathy

ScrubLeague posted:

i remember it being a surprisingly fast read for a book so big

I remember having the exact opposite experience. He loves going in on endless digressions about loving brickwork or the history of the Paris catacombs that add nothing to the plot.

But OTOH that was other 15 years since I read it, so maybe I could try again.

Sheng-Ji Yang
Mar 5, 2014


i remember liking it when i was a teen but i do think i skipped through some of the long derails about the catacombs and stuff

I Love Loosies
Jan 4, 2013


I didn' care about the ending. The hunchback of notre-dame is the better book.

Dreylad
Jun 19, 2001

i openly admit this puts me on the same level as adult harry potter fans, but im irrationally annoyed that miranda got cast as lee scorsby in the his dark materials hbo show, a show I will never watch

gradenko_2000 posted:

I remember having the exact opposite experience. He loves going in on endless digressions about loving brickwork or the history of the Paris catacombs that add nothing to the plot.

But OTOH that was other 15 years since I read it, so maybe I could try again.

there's an entire chapter about jean valjean's mental state after he steals from the bishop that's a bit tedious in english but quite beautiful in french. I think some of those digressions don't translate as well

Dreylad has issued a correction as of 15:29 on Jan 24, 2020

Some Guy TT
Aug 30, 2011

Over Easy posted:

the next episode is assembling a crew and shifting into space and we know at certain points there will be seven of 9 and either Thomas or William Riker (both would be awesome) with Troi

if picard brings back thomas riker i might actually have to watch it hes a cool as hell character that would age excellently given that his whole gimmick is disgust at the alternate version of himself turning into a stuffed shirt douchebag who broke up with the love of his life decided to follow all the rules and stopped giving a poo poo about evil as long as it was couched in terms of compromise

i am extremely skeptical that anyone involved in this project would use him mind you and even if they did odds are greater than not theyd gently caress it up but its a hell of a good idea

I Love Loosies posted:

I didn' care about the ending. The hunchback of notre-dame is the better book.

was just thinking the same thing extended digressions about random bullshit work a lot better in a book where the only plot to speak of is that all the authority figures in medeival france are either brokebrained weirdos or completely incompetent at their jobs

Echo Chamber
Oct 16, 2008

best username/post combo
Not sure which thread to post this in, but I just discovered the existence of Plan A Magazine and it seems like an Asian American leftist alternative to whatever shitlib Asian American content I used to consume five or ten years ago. I guess it's relevant to thread topic because they talk about pop culture about as much as the Asian libs, but with better takes. I haven't dived too deeply into the content yet, having just learned its existence, so I can't even say if it's good, but just putting a word out there that Asian American content exists without Angry Asian Man's seal of approval.

edit: gonna start using the phrase "boba liberal"

Echo Chamber has issued a correction as of 22:45 on Jan 24, 2020

Spuckuk
Aug 11, 2009

Being a bastard works



foobardog posted:

Yeah, the only caution may be if a sport itself is too chaotic. While I think a lot of (UK) soccer fans' distrust of statistics is based on earlier bad use of them and self-perception of their analytical ability and cultural, there is a reason why stats work in baseball and football so well.

Those two sports constantly reset to a limited state of player positioning every play, and there are both a lot of individual plays in a game and in the case of baseball, a lot of games for data points.

By comparison, hockey, soccer, and basketball are much more free moving, and except for set pieces to start or restart play, there's no guarantee the players will ever return to a similar position, even across games. But apparently the leagues and teams feel there's some use to it, because they're investing in it.

But yeah, I'm very pro stats in general, it just has been hijacked by dumbasses looking to make a buck.

I guess sports are pop culture? Sports are fun but are fantasy capitalism? I don't know.

You're overthinking it. A goal in soccer is worth so much more than any individual action in most sports that its incredibly hard to model.

The closest thing the best teams have been able to assert is that having overwhelming possession is a pretty good sign you'll win.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.
Sports analysis can expect that there are rules and positions and plans that are actually followed, while politics analysis in the mainstream is done almost entirely by people who are paid to be wrong. Similar to economics.

Panzeh
Nov 27, 2006

"..The high ground"

Spuckuk posted:

You're overthinking it. A goal in soccer is worth so much more than any individual action in most sports that its incredibly hard to model.

The closest thing the best teams have been able to assert is that having overwhelming possession is a pretty good sign you'll win.

Basketball is a lot more discrete than soccer and hockey and as the data gets more detailed, for example, on types of scoring attempts, the statistics are getting more useful. The hardest thing to quantify in basketball is executing a defensive scheme atm to assess the value of a player like Anthony Tolliver or more notably Draymond Green.

By comparison IIRC in hockey and soccer the most detailed analysis you can get is +/- which is a really bad statistic, especially in soccer which has fewer substitutions that might give some differentiation.

Egg Moron
Jul 21, 2003

the dreams of the delighting void

Gods of Egypt (2016) *** [56k NO WAY]

-~#SPOILER REVIEW#~- this in-depth recap and review contains untagged spoilers for the film Gods Of Egypt

In prehistorical Egypt the Gods rule mankind. The gods stand 3 meters tall and have gold running through their veins. Ra's sons Osiris and Set are both powerful but it is Osiris who rules over the living and basks in the adoration of humankind with his large son Horus.



The action begins like Hamlet with uncle Set (Russell Crowe) attempting to wrest the throne from papa Osiris (Bryan Brown) because he was passing crown was passing to son Horus (Jamie Lanister)




then it becomes animorphs as Horus attempts to defeat Set



there is a big dumb fight that Horus loses



Set pulls out his eyeballs



Now Set rules the kingdom and he is cruel, he kills many Gods who stood against him while humanity is enslaved



Rufus Sewell (Dark City) plays a human collaborator with the Set regime



This lady and this guy are slaves, she works in rufus sewell's office, she says Horus' eyes are in a vault in Sets temple and that they should sneak in and steal them so Horus can regain his power and depose Set, so that is now the plot of the film



The best part of this film is the size disparity between the humans and the Gods. It is so loving funny when they interact on screen. The film really shines here.



So combination Orlando Bloom/Heath Ledger sneaks into Sets temple indiana jones style to find and steal the eyes of horus



He gets the eyes and makes it out!



only to be GOT by Set's lackey and when they try to escape, Rufus Sewell arrows the slave girl, not a good look



he makes it out though and bee lines for Horus' tomb to put that fucker's eye back in



Horus is a sad sack throwing himself a pity party and eternity wide



Our boy tells Horus that he will give him his eye back if he rescues his lady friend from the realm of the dead, but he says she is too far gone and that it is time for her to "walk the path" so



there is some talk about how because she was a slave and had no possessions she has no treasure to barter and she will be unable to pass the 9th gate on the path, the path looks like this



Horus wants his other eye, asks our Boy where it is and is pretty rough about it, our boy says that it is in Sets temple and he knows the layout and can help him find it if he will help him get Anubis to release his woman from the path of the dead, Horus says he will try to do this but that they only have 9 days before she reaches the 9th gate. This is now the plot of the film.



Set finds out that Horus' eye has been stolen and gets pissed at Rufus Sewell and sends his minitaur to go find Our Boy



Horus and our Boy climb a big rear end mountain so that Horus and commune with Ra, his grandfather. Horus says he cannot transform until he has both his eyes unless Ra intercedes, and he does!



but only to ferry Horus and Our Boy to his plane of existence for an audience



Ra Explains that he has bigger fish to fry and that he really doesn't give that much of a poo poo about the squabble between osiris horus and ra and that the mortals are basically just pig poo poo because he is busy out here fighting cosmic horrors



After all that Horus asks to fill a flask with heavenly water to, as we find out, "quench the desert fire and kill set" Sure! This is now the plot of the film.



Meanwhile Set is attacking the stronghold of his Godess ex-wife, one of the last of the pantheon standing against him



Set confronts his ex wife and she is like why are you doing this and Set says cryptically "No one will know until it is too late" then he kills her



at first I am thinking Horus and Our Boy are dropping into the action like it's MDK but they just land in a jungle, which I didn't expect in a movie about Egypt



Horus hits our boy until he agrees to be his slave



The minataur gets the drop on them and nearly kills them



Our Boy and Horus make it out and bond through the adversity



The minataur goes back to Set and Set kills him after spilling the beans about the nature of the deal between Horus and Our Boy.



Now this is happening



These are assassins sent by Set. There is a fight and Our Boy and Horus make it out with help from this lady who is the goddess of love who turns traitor to Set and joins our heroes. She was in Osiris' entourage in the beginning and convinced Set to spare Horus' life after blinding him.



Next we find out that Horus' eye is being protected by the Sphinx whose riddle must be answered in order to not be killed by it, more on that later.

There is some flirty banter between the new lady and Horus and I think romance is in the air.

Our posse travels to this guy, a kind of analogue internet God bent on recording all knowledge and inquires to the answer of the Sphinx's riddle



They hem and haw and he agrees to help them and they walk in the desert



The godess of love helps our Boy facetime with his lady on the path of the dead and then anubis says she needs to cut that poo poo out and get on this boat



The gang gets to the spot where the other eye is and Our Boy does some nimble prince of persia thief action and then they do a song and dance with the sphinx, the answer is "tomorrow"



Now Horus wants to use his water to snuff out the fire but it's a trap!



Set fucks up the plan completely and pisses that heaven water into the sand



The gang escapes the collapsing temple, but things are looking bleak. Horus is pissed but he evens out and realizes that he can keep his deal with Our Boy by giving him a trinket to hand off to his lady during the 9th gate treasure trial. Anubis is cool with this because him and Horus are boys from way back



We also come to find that Set is harvesting the best pieces of all the gods and making one ultimate god suit to make him a being powerful enough to rival Ra



Ra doesn't even see it coming



Set tries to lay a trip on Ra about how he loved Osiris more and that poo poo ain't fair blah blah and Ra says, look kid, I was hard on you because I need you to take my place. All will be forgiven, you just take my place and fight the cosmic horror



gently caress That says Set



Then gently caress you says Ra



No, gently caress you says Set



Now poo poo is looking grim, Set has thrown the whole cosmic alignment out of whack and the only hope is Horus as the cosmic horror begins to devour creation



Our Boy and Horus kidnap Rufus Sewell and he helps lead them through to Set's obelisk for the final showdown.



Horus heads to the top of the tower while Our Boy and Rufus Sewell tango on the elevator



Big dumb comic book fights ensue. Our Boy subdues Rufus



And Our Boy joins Horus to pluck the other eye from his God helm and return it to Horus but as both the eye and Our Boy tumble off the tower Horus displays CHARACTER GROWTH by rescuing the mortal instead. This also allows him to transform into his beast mode, which he does, and he goes to fight Set.



Set is defeated.



Horus returns to Ra and Ra subdues the cosmic horror. Balance is restored.



Horus is king and he decrees that from now on the after life shall be bought not with gold but with good deeds.





THE END


There it is, Gods of Egypt

The movie that asks "What if Jesus were an rear end in a top hat?"

A Gnarlacious Bro
Apr 25, 2007

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Over Easy posted:

Gods of Egypt (2016) *** [56k NO WAY]

-~#SPOILER REVIEW#~- this in-depth recap and review contains untagged spoilers for the film Gods Of Egypt

In prehistorical Egypt the Gods rule mankind. The gods stand 3 meters tall and have gold running through their veins. Ra's sons Osiris and Set are both powerful but it is Osiris who rules over the living and basks in the adoration of humankind with his large son Horus.



The action begins like Hamlet with uncle Set (Russell Crowe) attempting to wrest the throne from papa Osiris (Bryan Brown) because he was passing crown was passing to son Horus (Jamie Lanister)




then it becomes animorphs as Horus attempts to defeat Set



there is a big dumb fight that Horus loses



Set pulls out his eyeballs



Now Set rules the kingdom and he is cruel, he kills many Gods who stood against him while humanity is enslaved



Rufus Sewell (Dark City) plays a human collaborator with the Set regime



This lady and this guy are slaves, she works in rufus sewell's office, she says Horus' eyes are in a vault in Sets temple and that they should sneak in and steal them so Horus can regain his power and depose Set, so that is now the plot of the film



The best part of this film is the size disparity between the humans and the Gods. It is so loving funny when they interact on screen. The film really shines here.



So combination Orlando Bloom/Heath Ledger sneaks into Sets temple indiana jones style to find and steal the eyes of horus



He gets the eyes and makes it out!



only to be GOT by Set's lackey and when they try to escape, Rufus Sewell arrows the slave girl, not a good look



he makes it out though and bee lines for Horus' tomb to put that fucker's eye back in



Horus is a sad sack throwing himself a pity party and eternity wide



Our boy tells Horus that he will give him his eye back if he rescues his lady friend from the realm of the dead, but he says she is too far gone and that it is time for her to "walk the path" so



there is some talk about how because she was a slave and had no possessions she has no treasure to barter and she will be unable to pass the 9th gate on the path, the path looks like this



Horus wants his other eye, asks our Boy where it is and is pretty rough about it, our boy says that it is in Sets temple and he knows the layout and can help him find it if he will help him get Anubis to release his woman from the path of the dead, Horus says he will try to do this but that they only have 9 days before she reaches the 9th gate. This is now the plot of the film.



Set finds out that Horus' eye has been stolen and gets pissed at Rufus Sewell and sends his minitaur to go find Our Boy



Horus and our Boy climb a big rear end mountain so that Horus and commune with Ra, his grandfather. Horus says he cannot transform until he has both his eyes unless Ra intercedes, and he does!



but only to ferry Horus and Our Boy to his plane of existence for an audience



Ra Explains that he has bigger fish to fry and that he really doesn't give that much of a poo poo about the squabble between osiris horus and ra and that the mortals are basically just pig poo poo because he is busy out here fighting cosmic horrors



After all that Horus asks to fill a flask with heavenly water to, as we find out, "quench the desert fire and kill set" Sure! This is now the plot of the film.



Meanwhile Set is attacking the stronghold of his Godess ex-wife, one of the last of the pantheon standing against him



Set confronts his ex wife and she is like why are you doing this and Set says cryptically "No one will know until it is too late" then he kills her



at first I am thinking Horus and Our Boy are dropping into the action like it's MDK but they just land in a jungle, which I didn't expect in a movie about Egypt



Horus hits our boy until he agrees to be his slave



The minataur gets the drop on them and nearly kills them



Our Boy and Horus make it out and bond through the adversity



The minataur goes back to Set and Set kills him after spilling the beans about the nature of the deal between Horus and Our Boy.



Now this is happening



These are assassins sent by Set. There is a fight and Our Boy and Horus make it out with help from this lady who is the goddess of love who turns traitor to Set and joins our heroes. She was in Osiris' entourage in the beginning and convinced Set to spare Horus' life after blinding him.



Next we find out that Horus' eye is being protected by the Sphinx whose riddle must be answered in order to not be killed by it, more on that later.

There is some flirty banter between the new lady and Horus and I think romance is in the air.

Our posse travels to this guy, a kind of analogue internet God bent on recording all knowledge and inquires to the answer of the Sphinx's riddle



They hem and haw and he agrees to help them and they walk in the desert



The godess of love helps our Boy facetime with his lady on the path of the dead and then anubis says she needs to cut that poo poo out and get on this boat



The gang gets to the spot where the other eye is and Our Boy does some nimble prince of persia thief action and then they do a song and dance with the sphinx, the answer is "tomorrow"



Now Horus wants to use his water to snuff out the fire but it's a trap!



Set fucks up the plan completely and pisses that heaven water into the sand



The gang escapes the collapsing temple, but things are looking bleak. Horus is pissed but he evens out and realizes that he can keep his deal with Our Boy by giving him a trinket to hand off to his lady during the 9th gate treasure trial. Anubis is cool with this because him and Horus are boys from way back



We also come to find that Set is harvesting the best pieces of all the gods and making one ultimate god suit to make him a being powerful enough to rival Ra



Ra doesn't even see it coming



Set tries to lay a trip on Ra about how he loved Osiris more and that poo poo ain't fair blah blah and Ra says, look kid, I was hard on you because I need you to take my place. All will be forgiven, you just take my place and fight the cosmic horror



gently caress That says Set



Then gently caress you says Ra



No, gently caress you says Set



Now poo poo is looking grim, Set has thrown the whole cosmic alignment out of whack and the only hope is Horus as the cosmic horror begins to devour creation



Our Boy and Horus kidnap Rufus Sewell and he helps lead them through to Set's obelisk for the final showdown.



Horus heads to the top of the tower while Our Boy and Rufus Sewell tango on the elevator



Big dumb comic book fights ensue. Our Boy subdues Rufus



And Our Boy joins Horus to pluck the other eye from his God helm and return it to Horus but as both the eye and Our Boy tumble off the tower Horus displays CHARACTER GROWTH by rescuing the mortal instead. This also allows him to transform into his beast mode, which he does, and he goes to fight Set.



Set is defeated.



Horus returns to Ra and Ra subdues the cosmic horror. Balance is restored.



Horus is king and he decrees that from now on the after life shall be bought not with gold but with good deeds.





THE END


There it is, Gods of Egypt

The movie that asks "What if Jesus were an rear end in a top hat?"

Cool

Crazy Ferret
May 11, 2007

Welp
Did the cosmic horror look cool?

Feldegast42
Oct 29, 2011

COMMENCE THE RITE OF SHITPOSTING

Over Easy posted:

Gods of Egypt (2016) *** [56k NO WAY]

-~#SPOILER REVIEW#~- this in-depth recap and review contains untagged spoilers for the film Gods Of Egypt

In prehistorical Egypt the Gods rule mankind. The gods stand 3 meters tall and have gold running through their veins. Ra's sons Osiris and Set are both powerful but it is Osiris who rules over the living and basks in the adoration of humankind with his large son Horus.



The action begins like Hamlet with uncle Set (Russell Crowe) attempting to wrest the throne from papa Osiris (Bryan Brown) because he was passing crown was passing to son Horus (Jamie Lanister)




then it becomes animorphs as Horus attempts to defeat Set



there is a big dumb fight that Horus loses



Set pulls out his eyeballs



Now Set rules the kingdom and he is cruel, he kills many Gods who stood against him while humanity is enslaved



Rufus Sewell (Dark City) plays a human collaborator with the Set regime



This lady and this guy are slaves, she works in rufus sewell's office, she says Horus' eyes are in a vault in Sets temple and that they should sneak in and steal them so Horus can regain his power and depose Set, so that is now the plot of the film



The best part of this film is the size disparity between the humans and the Gods. It is so loving funny when they interact on screen. The film really shines here.



So combination Orlando Bloom/Heath Ledger sneaks into Sets temple indiana jones style to find and steal the eyes of horus



He gets the eyes and makes it out!



only to be GOT by Set's lackey and when they try to escape, Rufus Sewell arrows the slave girl, not a good look



he makes it out though and bee lines for Horus' tomb to put that fucker's eye back in



Horus is a sad sack throwing himself a pity party and eternity wide



Our boy tells Horus that he will give him his eye back if he rescues his lady friend from the realm of the dead, but he says she is too far gone and that it is time for her to "walk the path" so



there is some talk about how because she was a slave and had no possessions she has no treasure to barter and she will be unable to pass the 9th gate on the path, the path looks like this



Horus wants his other eye, asks our Boy where it is and is pretty rough about it, our boy says that it is in Sets temple and he knows the layout and can help him find it if he will help him get Anubis to release his woman from the path of the dead, Horus says he will try to do this but that they only have 9 days before she reaches the 9th gate. This is now the plot of the film.



Set finds out that Horus' eye has been stolen and gets pissed at Rufus Sewell and sends his minitaur to go find Our Boy



Horus and our Boy climb a big rear end mountain so that Horus and commune with Ra, his grandfather. Horus says he cannot transform until he has both his eyes unless Ra intercedes, and he does!



but only to ferry Horus and Our Boy to his plane of existence for an audience



Ra Explains that he has bigger fish to fry and that he really doesn't give that much of a poo poo about the squabble between osiris horus and ra and that the mortals are basically just pig poo poo because he is busy out here fighting cosmic horrors



After all that Horus asks to fill a flask with heavenly water to, as we find out, "quench the desert fire and kill set" Sure! This is now the plot of the film.



Meanwhile Set is attacking the stronghold of his Godess ex-wife, one of the last of the pantheon standing against him



Set confronts his ex wife and she is like why are you doing this and Set says cryptically "No one will know until it is too late" then he kills her



at first I am thinking Horus and Our Boy are dropping into the action like it's MDK but they just land in a jungle, which I didn't expect in a movie about Egypt



Horus hits our boy until he agrees to be his slave



The minataur gets the drop on them and nearly kills them



Our Boy and Horus make it out and bond through the adversity



The minataur goes back to Set and Set kills him after spilling the beans about the nature of the deal between Horus and Our Boy.



Now this is happening



These are assassins sent by Set. There is a fight and Our Boy and Horus make it out with help from this lady who is the goddess of love who turns traitor to Set and joins our heroes. She was in Osiris' entourage in the beginning and convinced Set to spare Horus' life after blinding him.



Next we find out that Horus' eye is being protected by the Sphinx whose riddle must be answered in order to not be killed by it, more on that later.

There is some flirty banter between the new lady and Horus and I think romance is in the air.

Our posse travels to this guy, a kind of analogue internet God bent on recording all knowledge and inquires to the answer of the Sphinx's riddle



They hem and haw and he agrees to help them and they walk in the desert



The godess of love helps our Boy facetime with his lady on the path of the dead and then anubis says she needs to cut that poo poo out and get on this boat



The gang gets to the spot where the other eye is and Our Boy does some nimble prince of persia thief action and then they do a song and dance with the sphinx, the answer is "tomorrow"



Now Horus wants to use his water to snuff out the fire but it's a trap!



Set fucks up the plan completely and pisses that heaven water into the sand



The gang escapes the collapsing temple, but things are looking bleak. Horus is pissed but he evens out and realizes that he can keep his deal with Our Boy by giving him a trinket to hand off to his lady during the 9th gate treasure trial. Anubis is cool with this because him and Horus are boys from way back



We also come to find that Set is harvesting the best pieces of all the gods and making one ultimate god suit to make him a being powerful enough to rival Ra



Ra doesn't even see it coming



Set tries to lay a trip on Ra about how he loved Osiris more and that poo poo ain't fair blah blah and Ra says, look kid, I was hard on you because I need you to take my place. All will be forgiven, you just take my place and fight the cosmic horror



gently caress That says Set



Then gently caress you says Ra



No, gently caress you says Set



Now poo poo is looking grim, Set has thrown the whole cosmic alignment out of whack and the only hope is Horus as the cosmic horror begins to devour creation



Our Boy and Horus kidnap Rufus Sewell and he helps lead them through to Set's obelisk for the final showdown.



Horus heads to the top of the tower while Our Boy and Rufus Sewell tango on the elevator



Big dumb comic book fights ensue. Our Boy subdues Rufus



And Our Boy joins Horus to pluck the other eye from his God helm and return it to Horus but as both the eye and Our Boy tumble off the tower Horus displays CHARACTER GROWTH by rescuing the mortal instead. This also allows him to transform into his beast mode, which he does, and he goes to fight Set.



Set is defeated.



Horus returns to Ra and Ra subdues the cosmic horror. Balance is restored.



Horus is king and he decrees that from now on the after life shall be bought not with gold but with good deeds.





THE END

Thor could kick all of these soyboy's asses

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Egg Moron
Jul 21, 2003

the dreams of the delighting void

Crazy Ferret posted:

Did the cosmic horror look cool?

no, it only looked like this



slightly more wormlike in some instances

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