Tunicate posted:

Dirt Road Junglist posted:

he walks to the bank ... like a modern human being.

Tiggum posted:

"You want socialism? Maybe the govt will help you with paying off student loans" - Um, yes? That's kind of the idea?

BrigadierSensible posted:

On the parents having access to their kids bank accounts.

When I was 16 I went into the bank and got my own account. I was only putting my paper-route money into it, so it never had much in it, but it existed and was a proper bank account that I even managed to withdraw cash from interstate. My parents knew it existed, and even encouraged me to get it, (you know to teach me financial responsibility etc.), but never even thought about controlling my access to it. Even as a child, let alone as an adult. I guess I never realized how lucky I was.

Shouldn't these adults with interfereing parents be able to make their own account that their parents don't have access to? And even if the parents are tracking their financials like the crazy woman angry at a $2.70 donation to a different political party than she votes for, surely the kids can move money to their own account and then do what they want with it?

PooInAnAlleyway posted:

You know when your therapist gives you the look because you told them something you hitherto considered COMPLETELY loving NORMAL AND REGULAR BEHAVIOUR then you're gonna be alright.

Play posted:

People distance themselves from family for all sorts of reasons, it's not always written in stone that the distancer is a better person or more righteous than the people being distanced from.

Of course, most of the stories we see in this thread that's the case, but it's not universally true. An addict might distance themselves from family to continue their addiction, or a father might do so from shame after being caught in an affair. Of course, anyone has the right to do that but it doesn't make it good.

AuntBuck posted:

Ha ha ha. It's not just bank accounts these people access. For a few years, we lived in this nice country cottage out in the middle of nowhere that had these old locks. There were only two functioning keys for it, so my brother and I didn't have keys to the house. I got my own separate bank account as soon as I was eligible, but my parents still had access to my mail. I had a part-time job for a while, and they knew what I was making. If I had made more than a few hundred a month, they would have invented some reason to take it. I couldn't afford car insurance or a car, and the buses stopped running at 6pm which severely limited my job choices at the time. You really have to claw your way out.

Krispy Wafer posted:

Whatever happened to people clutching their chests and being dead before they hit the ground. The Greatest Generation knew how to exit this mortal coil. Boomers just linger.

PooInAnAlleyway posted:

The Breakfast Sampler posted:

statins? although it really makes you think if we should reconsider what modern medicine is supposed to be accomplishing. is the end goal really just making people live as long as possible, and if it is, should it be?

Cowman posted:

How on earth do I handle this situation though? Her dad and step-mom are terrible people but legally we can't really do much until they start abusing her physically (Yay Tennessee) and they probably won't do that at this point because kid knows they can't. She has no interest in spending time over there but because she's 13 she has to unless we try to go to court which we can't afford right now. She sleeps on a mattress on the floor in the loft with no privacy and their cat that they also don't care for peed on it at some point. It's really depressing and worrying everytime she comes home because she's depressed and pissed pretty much everytime.

car dance posted:

Can you give her things that can comfort her over there (blanket, books, pillow, etc) or will they take them from her? Have you asked her if there is anything she feels could support her more while she’s there? Even just asking her feedback could help her know how you care.

My biggest suggestion is: if you feel you can’t change anything at her dad’s house, just modeling kind and loving behavior at your place goes a long way. She knows how they treat her isn’t right and she likely knows you can’t fix it, but if you show her that you and your wife are a safe home, that should give her the confidence and attachment to you to know that she’s got some people who love her.

Also therapy.

Cowman posted:

My mom helped me set up my first bank account and had access to it until a few years ago. Basically all she did was put money in it on holidays and my birthday since it was easier than writing a check and I would just put cash in the bank anyway. She still does that with my sister who's 30. It's not a leverage thing, just a convenience thing. Just thought I'd share something a sane parent does with a joint bank account.

This thread is interesting to read just because while I have normal and good parents, my wife had terrible and abusive parents and my step-daughter has an emotionally controlling and manipulative dad and step-mom. The most prevalent is him guilt-tripping her into going over to their house by telling her it's not that much of an ask.

I immediately told her that was bullshit and sometimes it is a big ask. Her step-sister is a spoiled brat and is terrible to be around so it's often a big ask to go spend time with her because of that. There's also times when you're feeling sick or just not well mentally. I told her that it was terrible of him to say that and that it was downplaying her feelings and ignoring her opinions.

How on earth do I handle this situation though? Her dad and step-mom are terrible people but legally we can't really do much until they start abusing her physically (Yay Tennessee) and they probably won't do that at this point because kid knows they can't. She has no interest in spending time over there but because she's 13 she has to unless we try to go to court which we can't afford right now. She sleeps on a mattress on the floor in the loft with no privacy and their cat that they also don't care for peed on it at some point. It's really depressing and worrying everytime she comes home because she's depressed and pissed pretty much everytime.

quote:

Now Reaping the Awards of standing my Ground . It’s called Tough Love

It took 2 years of standing my Ground to finally getting some Resoect.

For 2 years they used my precious Grandson has a pawn to punish us. After getting stood up twice and a [/b]last minute cancellation over something I had said[/b], I turned the tables on them. They expected pleading, begging. And conjoling to set up another date , they got dead silence from us fir a little over a year. Finally Christmas they reached out , we got a visit. . The second visit was actually an overnight. Stay. Now we received an invitation to attend a hockey tournament where our GC is playing. We of course accepted .

Those months was excruciating . How I agonized. Should I reach out , shouldn’t I, . But I stood my Ground. My dignity and self respect intact.

With regards to reestablising a relationship with my daughter , right now I’m a long ways from entertaining Even a thought. I’ve been burned too many times. Right now my priority is with my Grandson. What the future holds ? I don’t know. But right now I’m living happily in the moment.

13Pandora13 posted:

In Tennessee the age where a child can express their opinion regarding custody is 12. Talk to her therapist and pediatrician about getting a statement about the effects of paternal custody on her mental health and physical well-being, get pictures of the living area including any cat urine stains, and petition for reduced custody or supervised visitations only. A social services organization may be able to help with legal services on behalf of the child.

quote:

Now Reaping the Awards of standing my Ground . It’s called Tough Love

It took 2 years of standing my Ground to finally getting some Resoect.

For 2 years they used my precious Grandson has a pawn to punish us. After getting stood up twice and a [/b]last minute cancellation over something I had said[/b], I turned the tables on them. They expected pleading, begging. And conjoling to set up another date , they got dead silence from us fir a little over a year. Finally Christmas they reached out , we got a visit. . The second visit was actually an overnight. Stay. Now we received an invitation to attend a hockey tournament where our GC is playing. We of course accepted .

Those months was excruciating . How I agonized. Should I reach out , shouldn’t I, . But I stood my Ground. My dignity and self respect intact.

With regards to reestablising a relationship with my daughter , right now I’m a long ways from entertaining Even a thought. I’ve been burned too many times. Right now my priority is with my Grandson. What the future holds ? I don’t know. But right now I’m living happily in the moment.

BrigadierSensible posted:

I would be almost certain that the children, and grandchild had no idea what was going on. They missed a couple of appointments for visits with Grandma, and cancelled late once. Then Grandma stops talking to them in a huff. I doubt they noticed, what with living their own lives and taking care of an infant. Then a year later they think, "hey, it's been a while since we saw my mum, we should go over for a visit", do the right thing and ask if its ok if they come over for Christmas, and everything is peachy.

Crazy Grandma sees it as a victory against her evil estranged kids, and the actual kids are none the wiser.

poo poo like this makes me wonder if I am an Evil Estranged Son. Coz I don't talk to my parents often, (I live in a different continent to them, and we have a 10 minute conversation over the phone every month or so, whist remaining in contact via Facebook nonsense). I am happy with this arrangement, the phonecalls are pleasant enough, and everything seems cool. But what if my mum and dad are doing all the seething and pouting this woman is doing behind my back?

computer angel posted:

It's funny because the grandma's strategy is to "withold attention" aka not stalk and harrass her child and grandchild. Right destination, wrong route.

BrigadierSensible posted:

poo poo like this makes me wonder if I am an Evil Estranged Son. Coz I don't talk to my parents often, (I live in a different continent to them, and we have a 10 minute conversation over the phone every month or so, whist remaining in contact via Facebook nonsense). I am happy with this arrangement, the phonecalls are pleasant enough, and everything seems cool. But what if my mum and dad are doing all the seething and pouting this woman is doing behind my back?

Ghost Leviathan posted:

A lot of people with toxic ideas about relationships have literally no idea what a non-toxic relationship looks like.

It's hard to tell with some narcissists, who you might not talk to for months and don't know if they're seething about it or don't care.

quote:

I wanted to ask any of you who have AC that are not estranged – what is a normal relationship with an adult child like? How often are you in touch? Do they visit often? Do they reply to messages and calls within a reasonable time? How does it differ from the behaviour of the estranged AC (if that’s not a really obvious question!)

I’m at the stage with my AC that I feel almost completely excluded from his life …but not quite, and I’m finding it hard to know whether I can call it estrangement. He hardly ever calls (two or three times in the last year) but last time he called, he talked for an hour. He hasn’t visited in over a year but I’m sure that if he decided to visit, he would expect a warm welcome. I’m also sure that if anyone told him that I consider us to be almost estranged he’d be shocked (and probably angry). Is this estrangement? Or do your non-estranged kids do this kind of thing too? I think I probably know the answer but it would be great to hear about your good experiences with your AC. I hope it’ll help me figure out what’s going on in what’s left of my family. Thanks in advance!

quote posted:

I wanted to ask any of you who have AC that are not estranged – what is a normal relationship with an adult child like? How often are you in touch? Do they visit often? Do they reply to messages and calls within a reasonable time? How does it differ from the behaviour of the estranged AC (if that’s not a really obvious question!)

I’m at the stage with my AC that I feel almost completely excluded from his life …but not quite, and I’m finding it hard to know whether I can call it estrangement. He hardly ever calls (two or three times in the last year) but last time he called, he talked for an hour. He hasn’t visited in over a year but I’m sure that if he decided to visit, he would expect a warm welcome. I’m also sure that if anyone told him that I consider us to be almost estranged he’d be shocked (and probably angry). Is this estrangement? Or do your non-estranged kids do this kind of thing too? I think I probably know the answer but it would be great to hear about your good experiences with your AC. I hope it’ll help me figure out what’s going on in what’s left of my family. Thanks in advance!

trickybiscuits posted:

Recent post:

What is a Normal Relationship With Adult Kids Like?

They are asking this question to the wrong people, so wrong.

quote:

Dear Amy: Growing up, my mother clearly dictated our relationship.

She was the authoritarian figure and I was the obedient daughter.

We were never best friends because she could not be level-headed and provide guidance. Instead, she was always a disciplinarian and a "Wait until your father hears about this" kind of mother.

My mother approached me (I'm 34 years old) about why we don't have a "best friends" relationship. She noticed that her friends are "BFFs" with their daughters.

I was blunt. I told her that she was at fault for setting those boundaries and not providing a level-headed atmosphere at home. I said I was OK with our relationship because I know I could not change her.

My father says it has emotionally affected her to the point where she sees a counselor on a regular basis.

My father says she will not accept any responsibility, and it is my responsibility to start the conversation and to accept the blame.

She has never accepted fault over any situation, regardless of her actions or words.

I told my father that I will not accept the blame (this time) and will not have the conversation because it will go nowhere. I'm indifferent.

I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to positively change our relationship without taking all the blame. What can I do?

-- Distant Daughter

Dear Distant: You talk a lot about "fault" and "blame." If you and your mother want to develop an adult friendship, you are both going to have to learn to let go of some of your score-keeping.

Your mother is in therapy. She might be using her hurt feelings to try to manipulate you. But she also seems to be making a bid for connection.

Now it's your turn to decide whether you will accept the bid. The conversation you two might have will start the way friendships do -- slowly, haltingly, and through looking for commonalities instead of faults.

One opening bid from you might be to ask her about her therapy. Why is she there, what is she learning, what does she hope to accomplish, and what does she want from you?

Your friendship might be less "Gilmore Girls, and more "Housewives of Dysfunction Junction," but the way to open up to the possibilities is to talk, listen, and learn to disagree peacefully.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

The "Why aren't we friends?" schtick is loving maddening. My father tried to pull that on my when I was in my mid-20s during my first marriage and we had our own place, etc, so I wasn't around that much. I actually stared at him like a fish gasping for air because I couldn't loving believe he could actually ask that question. He was the type that started rejecting me and making fun of me as soon as he realized I wasn't going to be a little clone of him.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

Oh yeah, that’s a big one.

“The child calls the parent, not the other way around”

That way you have no idea how often is correct, so they can always be mad.