Steve Yun posted:

My birthday is tomorrow. It be a zoom for several friends. I built a Russian prostitute that pees Pinot Grigio on Trump, which I will be drinking from during the zoom.

no I am the furthest thing from depressed. could a depressed person accomplish this? look at her. no.

purple death ray posted:

I'm assuming a Megaman sprite comic like Bob & George, but made by Brazilians

sugar mouse posted:

Stop wishing for things guys.

Collateral Damage posted:

Posts that precede unfortunate events.

Riot Carol Danvers posted:

Collateral Damage posted:

Yes, I know. It was a play on the various meme accounts with similar names.

Zil posted:

Iron Crowned posted:

I don't see anything wrong with this picture

dudeness posted:

Whats wrong is that twinkies arent nearly that big .

My Lovely Horse posted:

Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the Chef Club studio.

purple death ray posted:

I mean I would still like it if things could stop happening, I don't know what to tell you

Splicer posted:

Good News!

Collateral Damage posted:

Posts that precede unfortunate events.

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

This is the story of when they had to evacuate a city block in Baltimore because of a smell I made.

We were starting construction on a new restaurant location they were expanding and I was the GM for the new location so we got to work clearing out the mess left by the last restaurant. They were a bakery and out back there was a dumpster. They closed two years before. Not sure why it was there considering this alley basically has no street access other than a tiny door for I assume fire code reasons. Honestly I don’t know how they got it in there we had to cut it up with a torch to get rid of it.

It was full of dough and water we figured we could use the dumpster for something so we got to work tipping it over to get the water out. It was not water it was liquified rat. Hundreds of liquified rats. The three of us all began projectile vomiting immediately, before my brain could process the smell. It was a smell so strong you could feel it deep inside your chest and no amount of vomiting made it go away.
There were so many goddamn rat bones. They snuck in to eat the rotting dough and got stuck and drowned in what I’m assuming was a combination of rain water and soup made of their friends.

Covered in vomit and rat juice we did our best to regain our composure we went to the front of the building and tried to smoke cigarettes but they just tasted like death. It had been about a minute since we tipped the dumpster over and we heard screaming from around the corner. You see we weren’t the only ones projectile vomiting in fact most of the people on the street were and those that weren’t were running and screaming. Everywhere you looked people were wrenching I watched a little old lady get down on her knees and just erupt into a planter.

Then the fire department and the police and ambulances showed up. They cleared out everyone they could so they could hose down the streets and eventually came to the scene of the crime. A firefighter vomited into to his respirator. This got everyone including us into a vomitous fervor again but at least we were in the alley behind the restaurant to hide our shame.

“I’ve been a cop in Baltimore city for 30 years and I found a dead body that had been sitting in a vacant house for a month last week and this smells worse”

After a day of professional cleanup the city didn’t blame us because it was the trash of the previous owner. My wife made me take the train home instead of my car because I had a stench that literally woke nodding heroin addicts and made them move to another car. My wife made me strip in the yard and sprayed me with a hose. The clothes were destroyed, I even had to buy a new phone because it always carried the faintest hint of death smell. That was the worst thing I have ever smelled and I pray to god I never smell anything worse.

My personal theory is that there was still active yeast in the dough and it was fermenting the sugars from the rat corpses.

Subjunctive posted:

Oof, that story really put me off my breakfast surströmming.

Nog posted:

Every now and then, one of my Soldiers does something so mindblowingly stupid that I feel like stabbing them in the face. Sometimes, the poo poo they do is so stupid that I don't really know how we can possibly fight and win wars with guys like this on our side. Thanks to ISR though, I've come to discover an important fact: For every blithering idiot that pollutes our ranks, our enemy has blithering idiots in equal proportion.

Couple months back, I'm in the TOC standing around trying to get information on some developing crisis while my platoon spins up. Some jerkoff insurgent is out on route obviously burying something in the middle of the night, but they don't feel confident enough to just drop a Hellfire on him, so they want us to roll out there, blow up this crap, and detain the dude. While I'm still waiting around trying to get a good grid for where exactly this is all taking place, the dude finishes emplacing and begins to walk off; it looks as though he will probably get away. Then, inexplicably, he turns around, walks back to where he buried the pressure plate, and begins jumping on it. Just like you'd imagine, he blows up.

To this day, neither myself or anyone else who was watching that feed can come up with a reason why he did that. The best we can guess is that he went back to see if his pressure plate was working or something. No matter how stupid any of my guys might be, at least they're not that dumb (I hope).

EorayMel posted:

Outrail posted:

Obviously he was a suicide bomber.

Light Gun Man posted:

Leonardo and Michaelangelo both canonically have hosed in the comics but I am drawing a blank on if Donatello or Raphael ever did.

Zip posted:

I have a hundred of these but here are a couple of my favorites:

In basic training we had a guy named Jackson who talked baby talk. The best way I can describe his accent was he sounded like Elmer Fudd, "ok gwuis we ish gonna go do dis ting".
He managed to get a hold of bug spray one of the night in basic and I remember him soaking the burlap strips on his helmet the before we climbed into our Bivvys. I mean he was loving dousing that poo poo.
The next day we are standing in the hot sun on a range and he is giving the stink eye to this string hanging loose in his face away from the rest of his burlap. After a moment he pulls out a pack of mre matches and tries to burn away that string. A second later his whole loving helmet lights up with flames.

It's so hard to adequately describe how funny the next few seconds were. First he stared straight ahead with this dumb look on his face trying to figure out what had just happened. Then he starts running back and forth failing to get his helmet off, tugging at the chin strap screaming "MY BURWAP IS ON FIYAH! MY BURWAP IS ON FIYAH!" The drill sergeants all run over to him and right as they get there he manages to get his helmet off but as he threw it to the ground he kicks it, it rolls across the range and lights the field on fire. The drill sgts and the rest of us were all laughing to hard to put it out so when we all finally stopped hyperventilating we had to evacuate the range.

The second story is one of my favorites because the kid is a good friend and a good soldier but drat could he be dumb on some things. Edge came back on base one day bragging about how he had gotten a new truck. He said he walked into the dealership, told them what he wanted, got what he wanted and then walked out the same day. I said, let me see your paperwork... Followed by, "MOTHERFUCKER YOU BOUGHT A TRUCK WITH TWENTY SIX PERCENT INTEREST RATE??? we are taking this poo poo back right now".

Peanut Butler posted:

funny is good but it is a side dish, an apertif, a lemon-scented towelette, to the main course of, "horrifically bonkers"

SomeJazzyRat posted:

Kvlt, I don't think you're a psychopath because you watch extreme horror films.

I think you're a psychopath because of the time you woke me up in the middle of the night, having broken into my house. A grimy, dirt covered, unfamiliar stranger made ragged and scarred. Your face was pressed up against mine, screaming at me. In a mountainous roar, "Stop it!" you strained. At one hip was a gun, the other a knife, with an empty bandolier across your chest. Those two harnesses were the only thing you wore. I gazed towards the ceiling, and on it were the words 'Stop watching', written in blood. Above my bed, 'Stop watching them'. I somehow wrangled my way onto the floor, where you pinned me, your shrieking becoming a long shrill, rage filled cry. Under my bed was the corpse of a dog. Whose I'm uncertain, but it certainly was his blood that decorated my walls. And finally on my door was the message, 'Stop giving Flanagan your money'. It was then I knew it was you.

I exclaimed, "I've never seen one of his movies!"

Your face dropped. Pained. Betrayed. You were still enraged, but the rage was no longer projected towards me, just projected. "Oculus!", you exclaimed not exactly as a question. I confirmed I hadn't. "Hush!" Again no. "Ouija! Gerald's Game! Doctor Sleep!", every single one on your list I had denied. "Haunting of Hill House!" I explained that I meant to check it out, but never gotten around to it. You even asked if I had seen Absentia, which I explained I had never even heard of that one. You spent the next four hours explaining each plot point, each scene, each shot, and every one you punctuated with "Which loving blows!" You marathoned the entire explanation breathlessly. You strained your already strained vocal chords, to the point where your spittle had become blood. And when you finally got to the end, you stared at me, expecting me to defy you. I only stared, and said that I definitely hadn't seen it.

You started hitting my walls, throwing yourself against them. I think you were trying to destroy my home. I could hear you in my kitchen, destroying all my plates and dishes, trying to hurt me the way I had apparently hurt you. Eventually I head a door slam, and I could see you getting into a burgandy 95 Astro Van, with the name 'Dragula' spray painted on the side with the calligraphy of a 5 year old. The only thing intact in your wake was a dvd of House of a 1000 Corpses you had left behind, etched with the words "watch this pposer" on the underside of the disc.

Flesh Forge posted:

we need more kennedys in politics like we need a hole in the head

TheKennedys posted:

the best politicians are open-minded

Kitfox88 posted:

Captain Hygiene posted:

Light Gun Man posted:

Leonardo is said to be in a relationship with https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/Raven_Shadowheart at some point.

Michaelangelo was with https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/Sara_Hill and then later had a thing with https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/Seri that may or may not have resulted in babies, that story line has not been finished


being a goon is all about knowing things you probably didn't want to know, and sharing that information

Blue Footed Booby posted:

The follow-up:

Carthag Tuek posted:

Michelangelo participated in a genocide!

Carthag Tuek posted:

Michelangelo participated in a genocide!

Solice Kirsk posted:

Those are not the actions of a party dude.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Depends on what party

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Depends on what party

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Depends on what party

buttplug posted:

What lovely-rear end high school did you go to that they didn't make you take physical sciences, chemistry, biology, and physics?

Victor Vermis posted:

Even if I had to take a class in high school called "INERT GASES AND BOY ARE THEY INERT" I doubt I'd remember anything from it.

pentyne posted:

#justa90sthing

Uncle Enzo posted:

Trip report: While you can thread a standard lightbulb into a garden hose fitting, they have different threads per inch so you kinda end up crosstheading them together. It's a pretty solid-feeling connection but I don't think it would be water-tight at mains pressure

I was letting my mind wander last night so I tested it out

Bum the Sad posted:

NoneMoreNegative posted:

Lurking Haro posted:

Thanks, it's working now.

change my name posted:

https://twitter.com/progirl/status/1265260076278956033

Ogantai posted:

Soylent grip is feeble!