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If you are like me, you spend a lot of time worrying that you might not be American enough. Well not today! In honor of America's birthday, I am dusting off the America MachineTM, and will use it to give anyone who posts ITT a new identity as a true American hero!  Important legal disclaimer: The America MachineTM does not recognize fancy coastal elitist types, and will only produce heroes that are GENUINE AMERICANS from GENUINE AMERICA. |
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Jul 4, 2020 17:12
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make sure my identity is really thick so u can't smell my canada under it
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Jul 4, 2020 17:51
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nut posted:make sure my identity is really thick so u can't smell my canada under it nut, you are now Jack Johnson:  Heavyweight boxing champion, recording star, and storied business owner, the Galveston Giant was the original owner of the famous Cotton Club and an alleged drinking buddy of Rasputin the mad monk. Only one country on earth could produce such a daring Renaissance man—you guessed it, |
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Jul 4, 2020 18:03
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Prof. Crocodile posted:nut, you are now Jack Johnson: i am so loving cool, imagine loving up a name this cool in the distant by getting a guitar and writing dumb songs about the beach and surfin instead of fighting people and drinking
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Jul 4, 2020 18:04
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hit me op 
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Jul 4, 2020 18:29
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nut posted:i am so loving cool, imagine loving up a name this cool in the distant by getting a guitar and writing dumb songs about the beach and surfin instead of fighting people and drinking Every true American knows that the release of "Bubbles Toes" was the darkest hour in the history of our great nation.  But today is not a day for mourning! There are still more heroes to be made! |
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Jul 4, 2020 18:46
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prepuce repurposed posted:hit me op Through the magic of patriotism and the technological horsepower of the America MachineTM, prepuce repurposed has become General Omar Bradley:  A five star general, and the first-ever Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Omar Bradley was known as "The “GI’s General” for the polite and respectful way that he treated soldiers of all ranks and nationalities. Gen. Bradley also led the charge to dismiss fellow five-star general Douglas MacArthur, after the latter became the first (and only) person in history to hate Communism too much. Sometimes the burden of an American hero is heavy indeed. |
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Jul 4, 2020 18:51
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like nut i also have the stink of canada all over me so americanize me pls
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Jul 4, 2020 19:08
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Drones that follow you around and blow a fan at you. Fan drones. The Gulf states will eat it up. Drones that follow you around and laugh and/or slow clap when you make a joke. Drone fans. The West Coast states will eat it up. |
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Jul 4, 2020 19:10
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Joey McChrist posted:like nut i also have the stink of canada all over me so americanize me pls Never fear, my Canadian friend. Lady Liberty welcomes good people of all nations! Kind of! Sometimes! And just like that you have become Josephine Baker:  This renowned dancer was the first black woman to star in a major motion picture, and her sultry outfits quickly became an enduring symbol of the jazz age. But wait, spunky Josephine also worked for the French Resistance in WWII! Did the notoriously standoffish Frenchies thank this American heroine for her service? You bet they did! She was named Chevalier of the Légion d'honneur by Charles DeGualle himself! |
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Jul 4, 2020 19:21
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Bright Bart posted:Drones that follow you around and blow a fan at you. Fan drones. The Gulf states will eat it up. Hey don't steal my ideas! But no hard feelings on America's birthday, when you too can enjoy the nation's endless bounty as Randy "the Macho Man" Savage:  Born Randy Poffo, the Macho Man was a beloved actor, rapper, and professional baseball player best known for his line of luxury memes and generation-defining SlimJim commercials. But did you know that he also dabbled in professional wrestling? It’s true! Look it up! |
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Jul 4, 2020 19:27
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Prof. Crocodile posted:Never fear, my Canadian friend. Lady Liberty welcomes good people of all nations! Kind of! Sometimes!  so cool
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Jul 4, 2020 19:48
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I better get goddamn Benedict Arnold |
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Jul 4, 2020 19:49
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BUG JUG posted:I better get goddamn Benedict Arnold The skinny blond kid with the football-shaped head? Not sure I'd consider him a hero, but let's see what the America MachineTM thinks... BUG JUG, for today only you are Dr. Luis Walter Alvarez:  The hydrogen bubble chamber for which Luis Water Alvarez won the Nobel Prize in 1968 was just one in a long line of achievements in scientific fields ranging from particle physics to paleontology. With contributions to the Manhattan Project, the MIT Radiation Laboratory, and Project Alberta, every citizen of the free world owes a debt to this American egghead! Prof. Crocodile fucked around with this message at 05:50 on Jul 5, 2020 |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:00
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Please remember that while most are at home just now, some are in the trap putting in work. |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:02
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Hold on... Luis Walter Alvarez was born in... San Francisco!? Why, that's not GENUINE AMERICA at all! This dang machine must be acting up again. That's what I get for only using it once per year I guess. Still, Dr. Alvarez is a bona fide American hero, easily the equal of Omar Bradley or Randy Savage, so no harm done! |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:03
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Prof. Crocodile posted:Through the magic of patriotism and the technological horsepower of the America MachineTM, prepuce repurposed has become General Omar Bradley: yesssss  the way I see it, if we're all a little queer then we're probably also all a bit of a commie pinko 
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Jul 4, 2020 20:14
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op, please heroize me in the most american way possible: identity theft
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Jul 4, 2020 20:24
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prepuce repurposed posted:yesssss Easy there General, the reds may be listening, waiting for any sign of weakness to attack and steal our precious freedom! But luckily for you, reinforcements are arriving, courtesy of the America MachineTM! |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:38
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I already am, but it can't hurt to double up. |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:39
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Manifisto posted:op, please heroize me in the most american way possible: identity theft Manifisto, enjoy your new life as Senator Daniel Inouye:  Most well-known for being the first elected congressman from Hawaii, Daniel Inouye was a decorated soldier during World War II, earning an armful of medals and commendations for persevering against injuries too gruesome to list here. As we enjoy our hotdogs on this blessed day, let's take a moment to remember Senator Inouye’s mutilated arm hanging limply from his sides, dragging tendons and flayed skin in the blood-soaked dirt as he charges the ravenous Huns at Colle Musatello, armed with only a single hand grenade and love for his country. |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:40
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Prof. Crocodile posted:Manifisto, enjoy your new life as Senator Daniel Inouye:   thank you for the stolen valor, I will treasure it |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:45
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I like your machine, as its powered by balllllllssssssss. like me, I too, employ a powerful balllllllssssssss based posting synergy, or something with balllllllssssssss, shiny shiny balllllllssssssss.
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Jul 4, 2020 20:49
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please
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Jul 4, 2020 20:53
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:I already am, but it can't hurt to double up. Stand down, Marine! Ha ha, just kidding! It's that kind of can-do attitude that made this country great! Today you'll be doing double duty as Dolley Madison:  The only First Lady given an honorary seat on the floor of Congress, and the first American to respond to a telegraph message, Dolley is most well-known for introducing a peaceful diplomatic tone into American political gatherings—which had previously been violent partisan clashes often ending in duels to the death. She also arranged the rescue of the iconic portrait of George Washington from a fire set by the dastardly British. To this day her bravery and grace are memorialized in a line of sugary snack cakes—the highest honor that our nation can bestow! |
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Jul 4, 2020 20:56
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staberind posted:I like your machine, as its powered by balllllllssssssss. You robots made of balls sure stick together, don't you! Coincidentally enough, you're heroic alter-ego is Roberto Clemente:  A Hall-of-Fame baseball player and humanitarian, Roberto Clemente may best be remembered for his tragic death in a place crash, accompanying relief aid to starving citizens in Nicaragua, in hopes that his star power and charisma would persuade the corrupt officials of the Somoza government to allow its safe passage. His forthright commitment to helping his fellow man has led to his being memorialized in dozens of schools, bridges, and humanitarian awards—and even a campaign for sainthood! |
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Jul 4, 2020 21:06
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Luvcow posted:please These 4th of July festivities are about to get some music, courtesy of the America MachineTM! luvcow, prepare to meet your patriotic destiny as Kenny Rogers:  Best known as a musician with over 120 hit singles across 5 decades in genres ranging from country to jazz to psychedelic rock, Kenny Rogers is also a restaurateur and an award winning photographer. Why, even unpatriotic Americans have felt the wholesome warmth of Kenny’s presence in such Godless subversive works as The Big Lebowski, Reno 911, and Seinfeld. |
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Jul 4, 2020 21:13
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Prof. Crocodile posted:These 4th of July festivities are about to get some music, courtesy of the America MachineTM! oh hells yeah thank you professor 
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Jul 4, 2020 21:16
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Prof. Crocodile posted:Stand down, Marine! Ha ha, just kidding! It's that kind of can-do attitude that made this country great! gently caress. Yes! |
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Jul 4, 2020 21:28
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DID YOB EVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY HEEEEEEEEEERO?
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Jul 4, 2020 22:08
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Thunder Moose posted:DID YOB EVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY HEEEEEEEEEERO? I hope you're feeling brave, Thunder Moose, because the America MachineTM has decreed that you will spend the rest of the day as Evel Knievel:  Born Robert Craig Knievel, this daring daredevil performed over 75 ramp-to-ramp jumps over the course of his career, including jumps over lions, canyons, and flaming obstacles. One of the most famous men in America during his heyday, Evel changed not only the landscape of American entertainment, but the the landscape of American business as well, becaming the subject of the nation’s first successful licensed toy line. A showman to the end, Evel ’s funeral was a star-studded affair, featuring a eulogy from a (presumably) shirtless Matthew McConaughey! |
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Jul 4, 2020 22:21
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Hero me. |
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Jul 5, 2020 00:04
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American me, villain is also OK
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Jul 5, 2020 00:16
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we don't have any villains 
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Jul 5, 2020 00:18
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Barking Gecko posted:Hero me. Barking Gecko, the America MachineTM has gazed deep into your soul and decided that you are Amelia Earhart:  Everybody knows this gal, famous for having more moxie than a whole Nellie Bly portoflio! When she wasn’t upending dusty old gender stereotypes with her aerial daring-do, Amelia Bedelia (as she was known to her friends) was using her Red Cross training to save lives during the Spanish Flu epidemic in Toronto. Would Canada have descended into a diseased hellscape of lawless anarchy without the help of this budding American heroine? Probably! Prof. Crocodile fucked around with this message at 05:45 on Jul 5, 2020 |
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Jul 5, 2020 01:38
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Goons Are Great posted:American me, villain is also OK Dust off your homespun aphorisms and prepare to re-enter life as Will Rogers:  Born in 1879 to a Cherokee family in a what was then known as “Indian Territory”, Will Rogers’ words became the voice of a new breed of optimism that was sweeping America in the early 20th century. Rogers was an actor, aviator, Vaudeville performer, and journalist, and his insightful musings remain as powerful and poignant today as they were in his time. Quote him for your grandparents this 4th of July and watch their eyes light up with joy! |
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Jul 5, 2020 01:44
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I have to go to Harbor Freight tomorrow and buy some shoddy cheap stuff, so I urgently need a solid American Hero identity to throw the other shoppers and staff off my heady aroma of artisanal coffee, the CHOP, and other Seattle scent markers |
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Jul 5, 2020 02:01
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prepuce repurposed posted:we don't have any villains For your hubris, the America MachineTM has decided that you are no longer fit to be General Omar Bradley, and has instead bestowed upon you the ignominious title of Marge Schott:  The infamous one-time owner of the Cincinnati Reds, Marge Schott earned goodwill from fans when the team won the world series in 1990, a mere five years after she purchased them. She immediately then lost that goodwill (and more) by openly using racial slurs to describe fan-favorite players, endorsing political policies of Nazi Germany, distributing stale chewing gum to employees in lieu of holiday bonuses, discouraging players from wearing earrings because “only fruits wear earrings", and allowing her pet St. Bernards to defecate freely on the field in Riverfront Stadium. And you thought your boss was bad! |
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Jul 5, 2020 02:04
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Admiralty Flag posted:I have to go to Harbor Freight tomorrow and buy some shoddy cheap stuff, so I urgently need a solid American Hero identity to throw the other shoppers and staff off my heady aroma of artisanal coffee, the CHOP, and other Seattle scent markers You'll easily outfox those militarized hipsters as Francis Marion:  A Revolutionary War hero widely considered to be the father of guerrilla warfare, Francis Marion earned the nickname “The Swamp Fox” by outmaneuvering more powerfully equipped British regiments in South Carolina, disrupting critical supply lines and slowing the British occupation of the Mid-Atlantic. He is even credited as being the founder of the Green Berets! After the war, Marion returned to South Carolina and purchased slaves to replace those that had escaped from his plantation, and married his cousin. Hey, nobody’s perfect! Not even in America! |
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Jul 5, 2020 02:28
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I did a bad job 
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Jul 5, 2020 02:30
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