UK Cunt Thread: bread and coffee wankers

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Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

quote this to cuck jose

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:19

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 07:35

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Ratjaculation posted:

quote this to cuck jose

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:19

Marmaduke!: May 19, 2009; Why would it do that!?

NotJustANumber99 posted:

apparently his name is adam and its probably easier if he has my key

Get used to sleeping in the car

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:20

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

NotJustANumber99 posted:

apparently his name is adam and its probably easier if he has my key

reminding me of the greatest goon love story

E/N posted:

I am 33 and I made this has been the worst year of my life.

4 years ago I fell in love with a lovely girl, E, who was 24 at the time. She is perfect - beautiful, smart and witty. Somehow she fell for me too and our relationship was perfect. She gave up everything and moved half way across the country to follow me to my dream job. Everything was amazing.

In April this year a new girl, NG, started at my workplace, and I became infatuated. She was super friendly, and I kept reading signs that she was into me.

I�ve always thought of myself as a pretty nice guy and wouldn�t betray E ever. Months went by and my obsession had grown exponentially. So (and I know some goons are expecting this) I started to look into open relationships. I read books, watched documentary and looked at forums for advice. I knew E had never considered this, and I had never until this point. I had to have NG.

Eventually one drunken night I brought it up, E kept thinking I was joking so I let it die. A few days later I plucked up the courage and told E everything, about NG, about how we could start to see other people whilst still being a couple. Exactly like online guides said I should bring it up.

E didn�t speak to me for a week. She was clearly angry and understandably so. However, to my amazement in July she agreed. I was ecstatic, I had the perfect loving life.

E was working a pretty lovely job, but going to the gym and there were a few guys there she said she wouldn�t mind hooking up with. My heart twisted, but its only fair I thought.

After a few days I asked out NG, and this is where it falls apart. She�s a loving lesbian, a femme or lipstick or whatever. She�s just a friendly person. But she is mortified that I would do this to E. Eventually it spreads through the whole company, and I am an office joke.

Meanwhile E has already hooked up with a few guys. Eventually she starts regularly seeing a guy named M. He�s tall, fit, etc. Better shape than me.

I go out regularly on my own, because other than my work and E I know no-one in this place. I haven�t even gotten a number. Other than a few girls who stopped replying Tinder has only matched me with bots.

E and I have grown apart. She�ll sleep at M�s place. She doesn�t kiss me goodbye anymore, but she is still eerily friendly with me.

E would rarely orgasm through penetration, so I�d often go down on her or use a toy. Several times I�ve walked into our apartment before and heard E and M in bed. M makes her come through just loving, she clearly loves it. She�s giving him everything as well, I think even anal which I never got.

I know a lot of people will think this sounds a lot like SA�s favourite C-word but its not really the same.

I've still not hooked up with anyone. NG and the office hate me. E doesn't sleep with me anymore. Instead last night I sat in the apartment, reading the forums when E came out our bedroom dripping with M�s cum. She just looked at me and said hey as she walked to the bathroom.

I know no one here, all my bridges are burnt. Can I convince her to be exclusive again? A lovely as I may seem I can�t bare the thought of losing her and being alone.

im the bit about anal

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:25

goatface: Dec 5, 2007; I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.; Grimey Drawer

99, you are the most Hollyoaks person I have ever encountered.

Though I assume less attractive. Barely even an Emmerdale.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:38

Galewolf: Jan 9, 2007; The human gallbladder is indeed a puzzle!

Ratjaculation posted:

reminding me of the greatest goon love story

This is just beautiful and the first time I'm reading this so it's like :discourse:

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:54

Galewolf: Jan 9, 2007; The human gallbladder is indeed a puzzle!

I saw the "It's Wednesday my dudes" meme on the SA thread and I was like "huh, it doesn't feel like Wednesday" then the shopping came and I was like "Oh yeah it's Friday because I got the shopping" then I realized it was neither because I moved the delivery to Thursday slot. That was some very confusing 5-second brain twister.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:58

Oodles: Oct 31, 2005

Galewolf posted:

This is just beautiful and the first time I'm reading this so it's like

Same. I missed it first time round. I lurk in the wrong forums obviously.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 13:58

Galewolf: Jan 9, 2007; The human gallbladder is indeed a puzzle!

I'm pretty sure this is buried somewhere deep in the Goon Quotes or Goon Sagas threads in the PYF.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 14:01

hemale in pain: Jun 5, 2010

it's too good to be true i think

# ? Jul 16, 2020 14:22

Dell_Zincht: Nov 5, 2003

hemale in pain posted:

it's too good to be true i think

Knowing goons it's almost definitely a true story

# ? Jul 16, 2020 14:33

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

the thing about polyamory and open relationships is that it is something you all discuss and are on the same page about beforehand

if your partner turns round one day and says 'oh im loving him and this is an open relationship' then no it is not and they are cheating on you

so many fuckboys pull this poo poo on young women now

# ? Jul 16, 2020 14:54

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

apparently this mornings theme is 'massive posts nobody will ever loving read' as evidenced by my ukmt rant

# ? Jul 16, 2020 14:55

goatface: Dec 5, 2007; I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.; Grimey Drawer

Posting in there is a poor life choice imo

# ? Jul 16, 2020 14:57

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

as poor a life choice as giving adam your keys

# ? Jul 16, 2020 15:02

goatface: Dec 5, 2007; I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.; Grimey Drawer

I'd say they're both unhealthy in different ways.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 15:07

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

speaking of unhealthy i bought 48 caramacs recently. i still have many left

# ? Jul 16, 2020 15:11

Barry White: Jun 28, 2008; Luke Skywalker kills Han Solo's son at the climax of Episode VII

Ratjaculation posted:

quote this to cuck jose

# ? Jul 16, 2020 15:43

Whybird: Aug 2, 2009; Phaiston have long avoided the tightly competetive defence sector, but the IRDA Act 2052 has given us the freedom we need to bring out something really special.

https://team-robostar.itch.io/robostar; Nap Ghost

Bobby Deluxe posted:

the thing about polyamory and open relationships is that it is something you all discuss and are on the same page about beforehand

if your partner turns round one day and says 'oh im loving him and this is an open relationship' then no it is not and they are cheating on you

so many fuckboys pull this poo poo on young women now

Also if your response to your partner telling you "cool, there are actually some people I would like to sleep with" is your heart twisting then you didn't really want an open relationship, did you. you dumbass. you absolute clown.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 15:55

Thirteenth Step: Mar 3, 2004

Ratjaculation posted:

reminding me of the greatest goon love story

im the bit about anal

lol Jesus

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:00

Butterfly Valley: Apr 19, 2007; I am a spectacularly bad poster and everyone in the Schadenfreude thread hates my guts.

The bit about anal combined with the bit about cum dripping shows it was written with one hand, no-one in genuine need of advice writes like that

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:02

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

nost people asking for advice on the internet already know what they should do, they are just hoping people will sympathise while tricking themselves into believing someone else will come up with a genius plan

if 99 made an e/n thread i would subscribe so fast

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:06

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

99 post on /r/relationships

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:07

goatface: Dec 5, 2007; I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.; Grimey Drawer

Is Adam the one who was also into 99 or is this a different man? Is this the lady with the child? His life moves so fast.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:10

Dell_Zincht: Nov 5, 2003

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

speaking of unhealthy i bought 48 caramacs recently. i still have many left

Unsurprising, Caramacs are poo poo

Gold bars are alright though

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:29

Galewolf: Jan 9, 2007; The human gallbladder is indeed a puzzle!

Butterfly Valley posted:

The bit about anal combined with the bit about cum dripping shows it was written with one hand, no-one in genuine need of advice writes like that

Knowing and witnessing many goons sagas, there is a very, very high chance of that's a real thing.

Or a very good shitpost/E/N bait.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:33

Dell_Zincht: Nov 5, 2003

Galewolf posted:

Knowing and witnessing many goons sagas, there is a very, very high chance of that's a real thing.

Or a very good shitpost/E/N bait.

If the printer carrying goon story is real then it's highly likely this one is too

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:42

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Ok picking brains, so we had some toy kits as a kid and my memory is foggy but I'd love to remember what they were called

You could essentially make buildings using vertical metal beams in a base, and then slotting the walls between them, and floors above.

Anyone remember this?

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:46

Whybird: Aug 2, 2009; Phaiston have long avoided the tightly competetive defence sector, but the IRDA Act 2052 has given us the freedom we need to bring out something really special.

https://team-robostar.itch.io/robostar; Nap Ghost

Ratjaculation posted:

Ok picking brains, so we had some toy kits as a kid and my memory is foggy but I'd love to remember what they were called

You could essentially make buildings using vertical metal beams in a base, and then slotting the walls between them, and floors above.

Anyone remember this?

Was it Construx?

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:53

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Whybird posted:

Was it Construx?

It just came to me, it was Bayko!

# ? Jul 16, 2020 16:54

goatface: Dec 5, 2007; I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.; Grimey Drawer

I have never heard of it, it looks interesting. How modular was it? Anything with anything or quite fixed to the kit?

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:04

Olympic Mathlete: Feb 25, 2011

Whybird posted:

Was it Construx?

Construx was the grey 'girder' things you'd join with the little blue 6 sided joiners. They did have wall panels you could clip in though.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:04

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

https://twitter.com/C0INCELPR0/status/1283794662189412353?s=20

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:07

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

Dell_Zincht posted:

Unsurprising, Caramacs are poo poo

Gold bars are alright though

you put corn on sandwiches

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:17

Fatkraken: Jun 23, 2005; Fun-time is over.

Olympic Mathlete posted:

Construx was the grey 'girder' things you'd join with the little blue 6 sided joiners. They did have wall panels you could clip in though.

gently caress I loved my construx set.

Best toy was Manta force. Belonged to my brothers, Massive spaceship that opened to reveal nine smaller ships in a hangar bay, loads of little figures, literally dozens of tiny pieces to break, lose or choke on.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:21

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

i just got hit by a wall of tactile memory of manta force

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:25

Fatkraken: Jun 23, 2005; Fun-time is over.

Bobby Deluxe posted:

i just got hit by a wall of tactile memory of manta force

did you ever freeze the little men in kinder egg capsules full of water for "cryo sleep"?

also works for lego

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:27

fridge corn: Apr 2, 2003; NO MERCY, ONLY PAIN

Jose posted:

https://twitter.com/C0INCELPR0/status/1283794662189412353?s=20

I have an average 7.5in penis

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:43

hemale in pain: Jun 5, 2010

fridge corn posted:

I have an average 7.5in penis

i'm sorry it must be terrible being so small. have you tried a weight training routine to stretch out your foreskin and maybe even the balls?

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:57

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 07:35

crispix: Mar 28, 2015; Grand-Maman m'a raconté
_{(Les éditions des amitiés franco-québécoises)}

Hello, dear

Apparently the Mexican bloke's penis is normal size and that's just an enormous foreskin :gonk:

# ? Jul 16, 2020 17:59

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