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Mocking Bird posted:Anyway, if I get arrested for assaulting some former foster parents, just know they had it coming It's an imperfect system filled with imperfect people doing the best they can. The previous family tried and failed, and hurt someone you love in doing so. But even trying puts them ahead of a lot of families. The foster system really is all hands on deck, even the people that would otherwise belong on the sidelines.
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Jul 8, 2020 01:22
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I'm a licensed clinical social worker and a supervisor of a foster family agency, believe when I say that I do know it's an imperfect system. Most of my work is with relative family placements, who often do need education and support to grow them into the kind of family these kids need. That said, my son was also mistreated by people who had resources and supports available to them (the exact same ones available to me) and I don't think it's inappropriate for me to feel anger towards them. I'm not going to actually assault anyone and I don't even know their full names, just that they are now delicensed as foster parents and caused significant trauma to my son.
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Jul 8, 2020 01:38
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Mocking Bird posted:I'm a licensed clinical social worker and a supervisor of a foster family agency, believe when I say that I do know it's an imperfect system. Most of my work is with relative family placements, who often do need education and support to grow them into the kind of family these kids need.
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Jul 8, 2020 01:41
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We adopted our foster daughter last April, and just today we learned her full bio little brother was finally adopted by his foster family. We've been having visitations with him, we are fully committed to having these kids in each others' lives for as long as we are able, and we stay in touch regularly. They are less than a year apart in age and we all live in the same big city. There was another sibling, born last fall - the bio mom's 3rd in 3 years to be taken into the system. Apparently he was born without a finger or an extra finger or something, and he also only has one kidney. We've not been kept in the loop thanks to a broken system, I never even knew who to ask or if it was my place to pry. We don't even know if he's a full sibling or half. Considering how close we are trying to keep the other full siblings we really want to try to get this little brother into the mix. Apparently, with the one kidney he is considered medically fragile, and for some reason he is being placed with the bio family. The same bio family that were unable to care for the other siblings, who have never passed a home inspection and actively resisted all efforts by DCFS to locate bio mom for meetings or comply with DCFS orders. So of course my mom-hackles get raised, and I am worried loving sick for this little boy. If they couldn't care for two perfectly healthy little kids, how the hell are they able to care for one with medical needs? Tonight I got contact info for the child's lawyer, and I really want to press to get as much information as possible. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this to glean the most information I can? I don't think there's any way in hell I can take in this sibling, I already have 4 at home so properly caring for a medically fragile kid scares the crap out of me. But he is her family and he deserves to be taken care of, it's not his fault he is in this situation, so I hope to help as best I can. Is it really as simple as not being able to find a long-term foster family who can take in a medically fragile kid, so they return him to the bio family and cross their fingers?
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Jul 8, 2020 07:51
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Sometimes bio family are able to advocate for themselves and find a sympathetic ear with a new judge or a new social worker. Each case stands mostly on its own. Maybe they have more support now than they did? I think presenting it to the attorney as wanting to have sibling contact and to know about the little boy and his caregivers so you can make an informed decision about what kind of outreach you want to make to connect these siblings would be a good start. Especially if you can cc the other family and have a unified request!
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Jul 8, 2020 17:38
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Adoption related indirectly to myself, my mom was adopted as a baby from an orphanage via surrender of rights and a closed adoption herself which is what got me into the notion of adoption initially. She always thought she was an only child and her birth mother refused to disclose any information when she did manage to track her down, even though it was just in effort to get more information about the medical issues on her side of the family. Well, come 66 years later in a death bed confession from her birth mother that she later found out about through the one son (my new uncle) that she did get in touch with, we found out she had 3 other children that were all adopted by different families. After an ad was taken out in another state by one brother trying to track everyone down, it was mind blowing that a random happenstance of googling brought us upon the want ad that one of the brothers had figured it out and put out an ad looking for my mom and his brothers. Last night we had a zoom meeting with her two brothers (3rd is still not located) that she's never met in her entire life. My cousin (one of many) looks EXACTLY like me to the point that he could be my doppelganger. They did quite a bit of research to confirm it all and traced it back to the orphanage, dates of birth, copies of birth certificates etc. to make sure it's all on the up and up, but it's all just absolutely mind-blowing that I have more family that we've never known about. Craziest part? The families that adopted them all lived 15-20 minutes apart and never knew it as they were all closed adoptions.
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Jul 9, 2020 13:53
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Woooahhh that's awesome!
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Jul 9, 2020 23:43
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yo we're still alive over here, and a depressed teenager is EIGHTEeN w00t The posts in here are cool to read, I'm not a good writer so I feel slightly bad to not contribute. "I'm almost 18... So I get to look at porn?!!!"
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Jul 28, 2020 12:50
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Yes, son, 18 is the first time anyone has ever looked at porn, it's a true rite of passage, enforced by guillotine. Bless their soul.
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Jul 28, 2020 23:07
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VorpalBunny posted:Tonight I got contact info for the child's lawyer, and I really want to press to get as much information as possible. Just a quick update, I finally made contact with the lawyer assigned to the baby's case. It turns out DCFS is doing their usual reunification process of vetting the bio family. The family failed it with our daughter, they failed it with her brother, and they will likely fail this as well. I know much of the baby's case is confidential, so the laywer could not verify if the foster family is also interested in being the adoptive family or what his specific medical condition is. But she did confirm there are medical issues at play and she gave me the name and contact number for a social worker attached to the case. Please understand, I am not reveling in the bio family's misery. There is simply a long history of domestic violence and literal kidnapping, and as this baby is medically fragile I question the bio family's ability to care for him. If they have truly gotten their stuff together and follow DCFS guidelines, then I am 100% on board with family visitations with them and everything. But they literally kidnapped our daughter's bio brother and held him out of DCFS' reach for a month before DCFS was able to recover him. When we took him in he had thrush, a mis-shaped head due to sleeping in a carseat on a couch instead of a crib, and he had major digestive issues because he was 2 months old and being fed solids. I have the number for the baby's DCFS social worker and left her a message, and will follow up every few days until we make contact. We had a zoom playdate with the other adopted brother, and the family mentioned the bio mom is back in jail and placed somewhere with medical facilities. They get all this information from public searchable databases, but we don't know if she needs medical care for rehab/detox or if she's pregnant again. Or both. I guess we'll find out in a few months with a surprise text from the bio grandma, if it's the latter! The roller coaster ride continues...
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Jul 28, 2020 23:59
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VorpalBunny posted:The roller coaster ride continues... I figured I would continue to post about our situation, since maybe it will help people in similar situations or provide an anecdote for someone. The social worker reached out to me today and we discussed the baby's case at length. Where the lawyer was held to confidentiality issues, the social worker clearly was not as she was very free with the information she shared with me. I started out by introducing myself and had to immediately correct her information as she thought I had adopted both bio siblings. I also offered to fill her in on some backstory for the bio family, and she confessed she had NO INFORMATION on the bio family so far. She had no history of the family with DCFS, had no idea of their prior actions or anything. I felt a little scummy telling her everything we have experienced with this family. While it's important to convey the facts, I didn't want to be the person to derail any progress they might have made in the past year or so. But, I had to be honest and made clear I have no ill will toward the family. At the end of the conversation, she thanked me for all the information and promised to put me in touch with the foster family (who have apparently had the baby since he was discharged from the hospital) so we can connect with them. She also confirmed bio mom has had no contact with her, so cannot verify if she is in rehab or pregnant (or both!). I wish I could say it shocked me that she had no idea the history of the bio family and hadn't reached out to either us or the other adoptive family to set up visitation between the siblings or anything. It is a fundamentally broken system, with overworked social workers and insufficient resources and arbitrary rules. I will say I am pretty happy to have gotten this far, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel in getting these kids together.
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Jul 30, 2020 00:05
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You are doing an amazing job as an advocate - it's always bone chilling to realize how much investigative work and discovery gets lost between cases (either bureaucratically or through sloppy file review by the new caseworker) and how many children's futures are relying on a net with wide holes...
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Jul 30, 2020 16:30
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Good morning, this is a list of books I read over this past year of fostering a teenager. I am interested in other people's opinions and also recommendations. anyone else like books? These books were given to me by DSS when I asked for some books: Practical Tools for Foster Parents First book I read due to the "practical tools". It looks pretty old fashioned and it's meant for people who work for... Boys Town(??) And I think they're Christians. I used it immediately, for example, "Teen, get out of my room, it says so in this book." The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind This has pictures in it and that this helps parents change how you think about things in a helpful way. I also think this is geared towards younger kids. Another Place at the Table Oh man, I don't think I liked this at all. This is a foster mother's memoir(?) I remember thinking "No, whyyy," as I read the whole thing. I don't remember feeling like I would ever want to do anything she did, is that the point? An American's Resurrection: My Pilgrimage from Child Abuse and Mental Illness to Salvation idk I think this was a memoir, I struggled to finish this. The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family I think this was good, more changing how to think. Re-reading some time next year probably. THese books were not from DSS: "When the Welfare People Come": Race and Class in the US Child Protection System something something marxism. I thought it was ok, but I'm not an Educated person. I remember a point about taking children from stressed out workers and placing them with families that will help the children replace their parents in the workforce which rang true, seeing as how my teenager is going to Job Corps in another state next month. ANyway this was a library ebook so I don't have it at the moment for a second look. It's Haymarket (https://www.haymarketbooks.org/books/1052-when-the-welfare-people-come) Behavior with a Purpose: Responding to the challenges of adoptive, foster and kinship Youth Just finished this, loved it. Short and to the point. The "behaviors" are on the cover which goodreads doesn't have a pic of: Hoarding food, bed wetting, stealing, defiance, lying, cruelty to animals. Several examples for each to remind you that it's actually... normal... hahahaha Shattered Bonds: The Color Of Child Welfare Just started this one because I like this author but didn't realize she had also written on this topic.
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Aug 8, 2020 14:14
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Yep. Here are my library finds: 'The Explosive Child' : really good framework for dealing with a kid like mine (although he's 1000% less explosive nowadays, and temper tantrums/sulks are 15-minute affairs rather than hours-long) 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' : a lot of common sense stuff in this book, and they have other versions targeted for teens and little kids (the teen one's on my wish list but it wasn't at the library). I really liked how they defuse kids behaviors and I think reading this made me a better listener. 'The Body keeps the score' : this one's a tough read, but it goes over a lot of PTSD stuff, and childhood trauma is notorious for leading to cPTSD. I'm reading whole-brain child right now, and finding it reasonably useful since my 13-year-old often acts a little younger. I also liked the connected child. Up next on my list is the Yale SPACE manual: Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety: A Guide for Caregivers
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Aug 8, 2020 16:59
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I love this list - you hit on the two that I recommend often, The Connected Child and The Body Keeps The Score. I'm about to read Behavior With A Purpose now that you've recommended it! My daughter is 21 now, and she was offered a rental cottage behind her grandmothers home here in the Bay Area at reduced rent. It's a great deal, and as close to supervised transitional living as you can get. She moves in next weekend and I'm absolutely distraught but trying to be excited for her. I'm just gonna miss her so much 
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Aug 9, 2020 21:24
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Mocking Bird posted:My daughter is 21 now, and she was offered a rental cottage behind her grandmothers home here in the Bay Area at reduced rent. It's a great deal, and as close to supervised transitional living as you can get. She moves in next weekend and I'm absolutely distraught but trying to be excited for her. I'm just gonna miss her so much omg that's awesome though... Engineer Lenk posted:Up next on my list is the Yale SPACE manual: I am googling this... Paratan fucked around with this message at 22:12 on Aug 9, 2020 |
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Aug 9, 2020 21:56
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The SPACE thing was something I found recommended off r/parenting. I'm gonna talk to the kid's therapist before implementing anything, though, since the concept of decreasing accommodations for anxiety is going to be tricky to navigate respecting the trauma background. Compounding everything is the fact that I don't know if he'll be able to live independently as an adult, but would like to give him the best chance possible - and that means controlling his anxiety and hyperactivity to give him a fighting chance to develop some executive functioning skills. Anyone have any opinions about adoption vs guardianship? I think in my case it'll look pretty similar since my kid's mom has reappeared after 6 months; he misses her and likes chatting with her - I see no reason that they shouldn't stay in touch and get on a regular visitation schedule. I think it might reduce his anxiety to be adopted, though - mom's still making comments about getting him back and it's freaking him out some (but not stopping him from asking her for a four-wheeler, PS5, his own room...) He's only now barely able to acknowledge to me that his mom wasn't able to take care of him.
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Aug 11, 2020 17:24
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I do not get what guardianship is even though I googled it, lol. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ You asked if anyone was using famzoo a long time ago, so I googled it and I love it now. Been using it for months for teen's allowance. Teen feels cool to use his own card and be in line by himself when he hasn't misplaced it, he's extremely anti-math however, so I'm not sure he's Learning anything (BUT I AM!). It's way faster than a bank because you technically prepay it, right. So like I got in the parking at Hardee's because teen NEEDED to SPEND his ALLOWANCE and successfully got teen's allowance on his card by the time he had to pay for his order lmao. Famzoo lets you do many things with budget, automatic credit/debit, graphs and whatever, it's just kind of oldschool with the user interface. One time I couldn't find a button, but I emailed them and they emailed me back with a link to the button pretty quick. I showed teen a Budgets page where I had already put in his straight talk phone data + xbox live (now gamepass I guess). It broke it down: PER YEAR $540.00 (*air escaping from teen's mouth*) PER MONTH $45.00 PER WEEK $10.38 So I was able to slowly explain to him that if he's only making $10 a week, he can't even afford the xbox live +data by himself and that's not even counting ANY Mountain Dews. He seemed to understand for 30 seconds. I have funny pictures of a teen's attempted spending (DECLINED, DECLINED, DECLINED) but I don't know how to put pics in forums anymore. then later it's "...Please... Can I ... have xbox live..." "Teen, you spent your allowance at Hardee's for some reason."
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Aug 19, 2020 12:22
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Yep, my kid figured out how to request money after about 0.5 seconds so I have a 'declined' 10000000 request. All his allowance turns into vbucks or robux shortly after it shows up. I created a 'cash for reading' program that he's used in desperation a few times when a really good skin pack hits the item store.
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Aug 19, 2020 12:48
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Engineer Lenk posted:I created a 'cash for reading' program that he's used in desperation a few times when a really good skin pack hits the item store. Oh that's a good idea... I haven't been letting teen request or earn money on demand, I always make him wait until allowance day when I feel like dealing with it especially since he had misplaced his card. But he found his card, so actually... omg that's even better haha.. yes YES edit: noOoOo Paratan fucked around with this message at 04:54 on Aug 21, 2020 |
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Aug 19, 2020 13:22
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Teen quit all 4 medicines cold turkey A school social worker Dropped By the house and managed to get agreement from Teen to be at the end of the driveway at 1:20pm to catch a school bus once a week. Looks like August was one of those months where I don't get DSS money till next time lmbo Teen survived not getting allowance last week in exchange for cellphone data (he paid his $10 and i paid the rest) and feels powerful enough to request I not give him access to his allowance this week either so he can save for a video game expansion. :O Finally: We had ANOTHER chat about his annoying nephew who is rude to everyone, Teen has gotten in trouble with me in the past for shouting at this little kid. I'm in a very relaxed posture in bed, speaking slowly and calmly, Teen is pacing around a folding chair balling his fists, sometimes getting in the chair. He was able to work through some feelings and thought process and eventually wound up at he doesn't want his nephew to end up like him. I reminded Teen he's 18, his life isn't exactly Over yet lol
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Sep 3, 2020 11:59
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I've done something really exciting and expanded my therapy private practice to specifically identify Foster and adoptive parents as clients - are any of the thread regulars interested in giving me a frank review of my website to see what could be added or subtracted? Happy to compensate your time with an e-gift card as a thank you It's a therapist website so it's a little cheesy (because that's the model lol) but I'm trying hard to be concrete and approachable.
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Sep 5, 2020 21:55
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Sure. PM me the link?
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Sep 6, 2020 00:23
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Mocking Bird posted:I've done something really exciting and expanded my therapy private practice to specifically identify Foster and adoptive parents as clients - are any of the thread regulars interested in giving me a frank review of my website to see what could be added or subtracted? Happy to compensate your time with an e-gift card as a thank you I'd be down to help. I've got PM's.
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Sep 6, 2020 03:09
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You both are so wonderful  Let me do an obsessive check for typos and I'll send you PMs tomorrow!
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Sep 6, 2020 04:35
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Mocking Bird posted:You both are so wonderful Assessed and replied, hopefully that helps! 
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Sep 7, 2020 01:31
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Just posting that I'm dying of laughter and uh no one has to worry because I have the stupidest teenager already Good luck Goons
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Sep 30, 2020 01:40
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Please share. On a developing vocabulary front, my teen has started threatening to defenestrate people, which is a welcome change from his usual go-tos. Kid, you're not even 100 lbs, how are you going to throw me out the window? Plus we live in a one story house.
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Sep 30, 2020 17:26
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I can't. Even explain. I'm just alternating being furious and loling at him every day, how do teen survive a life. why are teenEngineer Lenk posted:started threatening does it go from hitting to threatening? like little kids do a physical violence and older kids do a verbal violence. is that a thing that happens or just a coincidence
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Oct 11, 2020 17:20
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omg Facebook friend request to teenager from past Stepmom out of nowhere yesterday, he freaked out for a few hours. Today he asked if he can go have Thanksgiving with her family (sure ok but also think about what u want me to say if your grandma who does not like her asks me the same thing) Last holiday season he was not in contact with any of his family, this could go either way, right... right? IT COULD BE GOOD right?!
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Oct 14, 2020 00:56
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Theoretically it could be good! Or even in a backwards way! My daughter spent one Thanksgiving in Atlanta with her bio mom and one Christmas in Vegas with her bio aunts and now is very very sure that where she wants to be for the holidays is at home with us
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Oct 15, 2020 21:20
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It's progress when a kid is verbalizing that they're testing you because they think you'll send them back and telling you that you should be yelling at them, right? My poor dude is beating himself up, and doesn't get why I'm not yelling at him or being really punitive. I can't really let him alone when he's in a snit because he self-harms. But that pisses him off and he starts verbally abusing me. I'm stuck trying to figure out an appropriate consequence that doesn't just invite further escalation. Anybody got any ideas? On the whole 'try and get the kid to be less of a lump on the couch' front: use of a generous screen time economy has been working pretty well for us thus far (starts when schoolwork is done, 3hrs for free, unlock unlimited until bedtime with 20 min exercise and 20 min of helping around the house, otherwise earn time 1:1 by doing something to amuse yourself without screens). In practice, it means he's at a break point right around when I get off work. He chooses to help out about 4 days a week and has better conversations with his mom and sibs on the other days since he's not trying to talk to them while gaming. 20 min seems to be kind of the magic number for him, since it rarely produces a meltdown like his classes do.
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Oct 16, 2020 20:48
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Engineer Lenk posted:It's progress when a kid is verbalizing that they're testing you because they think you'll send them back and telling you that you should be yelling at them, right? wow, self-aware lil rudeboy, nice. One of the interviewees in In Their Voices made it incredibly clear that it is a life and death matter as a foster child to push your caregiver to their limit so you can find out what this adult WILL ACTUALLY DO under extreme stress. (I really want to quote the man directly but I found out last night that I've misplaced my book). For some reason it really... grounded me to realize that I'm not going to hurt this failson no matter what lmfao. Engineer Lenk posted:I'm stuck trying to figure out an appropriate consequence that doesn't just invite further escalation. i mean, to me the natural consequence of having to hang out together while annoyed would be ... quite enough Engineer Lenk posted:On the whole 'try and get the kid to be less of a lump on the couch' front:
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Oct 17, 2020 02:18
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Mocking Bird posted:Theoretically it could be good! Or even in a backwards way! loooool
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Oct 17, 2020 02:19
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Paratan posted:this is amazing lol did I mention my teen like doubled in size Mine's gone from like the 2nd percentile to the 40th on those growth charts.
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Oct 17, 2020 04:06
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All the children who come to my house double in size  I'd feel bad about it but I honestly think it's the effect of building food security and attachment We did move the desserts to the locking closet though, due to midnight foraging RIP popsicles and whipped cream Also the best way I can describe challenging is: they are waiting for the other shoe to drop every single day. Sometimes it feels better to try and MAKE the shoe drop by pushing you. They are convinced you're going to start yelling or hitting or beating or demeaning any second now, and the suspense is killing them. Only time and consistency helps to heal this.
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Oct 18, 2020 00:45
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Mocking Bird posted:RIP popsicles and whipped cream I got one of those popsicle maker things and do frozen OJ pops. The whole tray of eight popsicles is like two cups of OJ, so not completely ridiculous.
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Oct 18, 2020 01:16
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How's everyone else's school in the time of COVID-19 going? I'm pushing hard to start homeschooling. My kid is not in the slightest bit motivated to do anything, and sleeps through his classes if not monitored (and sometimes does that if I'm there). My only carrot/stick is ensuring that all near-term assignments are completed before the wifi is turned on to his gaming devices each day. And he can hold out for 2-4 hours making himself utterly miserable before tackling 20 min of work.
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Oct 20, 2020 18:07
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I'm proud to say we have no loving clue in this household ahahaha. I try to elaborate but it keeps turning into a rant. and now that he's 18, Mr. School Social worker/truancy officer told me when he Dropped By Again that HIS carrot of charging teen with the status crime of not attending school is gone. ...and? ...the gently caress? lol he always seemed so chill cause he controls his voice and body really well, but now I see he's used to just Chillfully threatening teens into compliance. The first time I thought it might be a fluke. When he first dropped by and teen was sleeping instead of going to school, he suggested the adults in the room physically lift teen out of his bed and I was bewildered like... No, we respect people here. "O-oh. That's good to know. It's good that you're aware that's how you are." ?!?!?? Yesterday we had our DSS visit and on the way out Ms. social worker attempted to recap w/me her convo with teen, so i reminded her that school is going to be someone else's problem, I Do Not Care (it politely says so on my application and we've talked about this repeatedly). So I added this time that I find it oppressive, that teen has made his choices clear and I've made my peace with that particular topic. But she kept going about how it hurts that's he's ONE. CLASS. AWAY so I let her express herself and said "Ok." edit: teen has successfully returned to his schedule of sleep all day Paratan fucked around with this message at 12:15 on Oct 22, 2020 |
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Oct 21, 2020 14:47
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I love the school attitude in this thread We just had my son's IEP meeting and made them accommodate him with paper assignments and reduced school time because gently caress YOU SCHOOL DISTRICT, IF YOU WANT HIM ON ZOOM SEND SOMEONE TO MY HOUSE TO SUPERVISE HIM I'm happy as long as he's not getting visibly dumber
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Oct 22, 2020 20:48
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