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Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Slytherins gently caress. Voldemort impregnated Bellatrix Lestrange during book six. Yes, this is canon.

What the gently caress

Zore posted:

Presumably the Ministry does since they have at least four different wizard cop divisions dedicated entirely to stopping people from loving around with Muggles

Like you might be able to get away with penny ante poo poo, but in general the series portrays the Ministry as total hardasses about people who do anything magical where non-magical people can see or be affected.

I mean my guess is that you'd probably have to leave the UK, yeah. Wasn't that what Grindy did: gently caress of to east Europe or somewhere that is apparently far more under the radar for wizards?

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reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008
I hope they name the child Voldemort Jr.

Ror
Oct 21, 2010

😸Everything's 🗞️ purrfect!💯🤟


Didn’t Voldemort gently caress his snake before it was a snake? When it was just the asian lady not named Cho Chang?

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo
It’s a girl and her name is Delphini. She goes by Delphi Diggory after imperiusing dead Cedric’s dad into thinking they’re related.

Zore
Sep 21, 2010
willfully illiterate, aggressively miserable sourpuss whose sole raison d’etre is to put other people down for liking the wrong things

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

It’s a girl and her name is Delphini. She goes by Delphi Diggory after imperiusing dead Cedric’s dad into thinking they’re related.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is insanely hosed.

Just everything about it is JK Rowling doubling down on some of the most insane poo poo.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

It’s a girl and her name is Delphini. She goes by Delphi Diggory after imperiusing dead Cedric’s dad into thinking they’re related.

Is she also somehow a cop?

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute
"Voldemort fucks" makes basically no sense within the context of how he was portrayed in the actual text, so of course it's now canon courtesy of JK.

Fantastic Foreskin
Jan 6, 2013

A golden helix streaked skyward from the Helvault. A thunderous explosion shattered the silver monolith and Avacyn emerged, free from her prison at last.

The thing about wizards is they all have robes and hats, ergo they all gently caress.

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute
Also it's super boring to just make the child of two of the most vile people from the original series also evil: why not actually make them a good person who's constantly being poo poo on for their parentage, and maybe there's a lesson in there for our heroes and some dramatic irony in them ultimately becoming friends with the child of their father's worst enemy?

Oh wait Rowling is a hack, n/m.

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo

Barudak posted:

Is she also somehow a cop?

Just a time traveling nazi.

Yes the cursed play makes heavy use of time turners and alternate universes if you were wondering

E: it’s canon that if Cedric Diggory survives the tournament he ends up killing Neville and causing Voldemort’s triumph.

So maybe JK’s one good retcon, it’s clear that Neville was the chosen one all along

Edgar Allen Ho fucked around with this message at 00:30 on Sep 12, 2020

Hedrigall
Mar 27, 2008

by vyelkin

reignofevil posted:

I hope they name the child Voldemort Jr.

“What does it always mean, this, this Junior?”
“That’s his name. Voldemort Junior.”
“I like Nagini...”
“We named the snake Nagini!”

PeterWeller
Apr 21, 2003

I told you that story so I could tell you this one.

Sydin posted:

Also it's super boring to just make the child of two of the most vile people from the original series also evil: why not actually make them a good person who's constantly being poo poo on for their parentage, and maybe there's a lesson in there for our heroes and some dramatic irony in them ultimately becoming friends with the child of their father's worst enemy?

Oh wait Rowling is a hack, n/m.

She does that with Draco's kid. And of course, Harry is a giant dipshit about his own son being friends with him.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Every new fact I learn about the cursed child is more embarrassing than last to the point where Im convinced the play's script when written out is a picture of you, the reader, naked in highschool forced to take an exam you didn't study for

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008

Sydin posted:

Also it's super boring to just make the child of two of the most vile people from the original series also evil: why not actually make them a good person who's constantly being poo poo on for their parentage, and maybe there's a lesson in there for our heroes and some dramatic irony in them ultimately becoming friends with the child of their father's worst enemy?

Oh wait Rowling is a hack, n/m.

On the other hand, if you've accidentally written the plot of the lion king 2, maybe consider that fact before running to the publishers.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Having watched the Lion King 2 about 5 times against my will, its not so terrible a film.

You know, for a kids film with a song about gently caress rooms.

Shine
Feb 26, 2007

No Muscles For The Majority

Barudak posted:

Having watched the Lion King 2 about 5 times against my will, its not so terrible a film.

You know, for a kids film with a song about gently caress rooms.

Do what, now?

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Shine posted:

Do what, now?

It was a joke but the sequel has a song called Upendi which is their "can you feel the love tonight" but its presented as a cheap tunnel of love ride, starts with the monkey forcing the lions to kiss and then leading them into a hidden place to upendi, and the lyrics focus on physical actions rather than emotional ones.

Its not like the monkey says "this is why waterbeds are not all they're cracked up to be" but its a weirdly non romantic song about love for a disney film

Edit: its also incorrect swahili, it should be Upendo

Barudak fucked around with this message at 03:06 on Sep 12, 2020

Shwoo
Jul 21, 2011

I always took Upendi as a metaphor for how great it was to be in love, but I was most into the movie when I was nine.

Anyway, Cursed Child could only be improved by Harry exiling Scorpio Malfoy from Hogwarts while a group of students sing a song about his evil is as plain as the scar on his face, while meanwhile the ghost of James Potter schemes to get him together with Harry's son.

SlothfulCobra
Mar 27, 2011

The main thing I remember about Lion King 2 is the song that they're singing when they're kicking out male lead lion for some misunderstanding, which was very angsty and resonated with me more than Harry's angstiness in the later books where he's kind of just an rear end in a top hat for not much reason.

I guess since he was from Scar's secret family, the whole romance was between first cousins, which is probably better than Simba gettin' with his half-sibling. There's a reason why male lions generally find a new pride.

ungulateman
Apr 18, 2012

pretentious fuckwit who isn't half as literate or insightful or clever as he thinks he is
DECEPTION (deception)

DISGRACE (for shame)

Hedrigall
Mar 27, 2008

by vyelkin
Upendi, more like pudenda

Hedrigall
Mar 27, 2008

by vyelkin
In some ways Lion King 2 is the superior Lion King movie

Example 1:
Simba’s singing voice in LK1 is just some Toto singer but not even the Toto singer everyone knows
Simba’s singing voice in LK2 is CAM MOTHERFUCKING CLARKE :swoon:

Sir DonkeyPunch
Mar 23, 2007

I didn't hear no bell
From the first page but

reignofevil posted:

Unfortunately, it is definitely part of the Generals timeline.

Jarmen Kell would have iced Voldemort no problem. Or maybe like, a shitload of SCUDs

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Slytherins gently caress. Voldemort impregnated Bellatrix Lestrange during book six. Yes, this is canon.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

It’s a girl and her name is Delphini. She goes by Delphi Diggory after imperiusing dead Cedric’s dad into thinking they’re related.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Just a time traveling nazi.

Yes the cursed play makes heavy use of time turners and alternate universes if you were wondering

E: it’s canon that if Cedric Diggory survives the tournament he ends up killing Neville and causing Voldemort’s triumph.

So maybe JK’s one good retcon, it’s clear that Neville was the chosen one all along


On one hand, I'm really glad I didn't read Cursed Child so I avoided poo poo like this. On the other hand, not reading it means I'm always blindsided whenever a hosed up fact about nu-canon gets brought up.

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute

reignofevil posted:

On the other hand, if you've accidentally written the plot of the lion king 2, maybe consider that fact before running to the publishers.

gently caress, my idea is taken. This is what I get for having never seen any of the Lion King movies in my life.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.

SlothfulCobra posted:

The main thing I remember about Lion King 2 is the song that they're singing when they're kicking out male lead lion for some misunderstanding, which was very angsty and resonated with me more than Harry's angstiness in the later books where he's kind of just an rear end in a top hat for not much reason.

I guess since he was from Scar's secret family, the whole romance was between first cousins, which is probably better than Simba gettin' with his half-sibling. There's a reason why male lions generally find a new pride.

They actually mention that Scar wasn't even Kovu's father, he was just the last born before Scar's sympathisers got kicked out apparently

I had it on VHS as a kid presumably because it was cheaper than the original

Also I think Harry's meant to be a jerk in later books basically just because he's a teenager

dordreff
Jul 16, 2013

amigolupus posted:

On one hand, I'm really glad I didn't read Cursed Child so I avoided poo poo like this. On the other hand, not reading it means I'm always blindsided whenever a hosed up fact about nu-canon gets brought up.

The woman who sells food on the train tries to murder Harry's lovely son with grenades for getting off the train early. she also grows claws and i think phases through a wall at some point. There's an alternate reality where Voldemort won and Malfoy's son Scorpius is called The Scorpion King. The whole play is about time travel, something previously established in Prisoner of Azkaban, and it directly contradicts all the ways in which time travel works in that book.
Cursed Child is truly batshit and it's astonishing that even a dickhead like Rowling thought any of it was a good idea.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.
Also reminded of that guy in the Doctor Strange movie who learned magic just enough to learn a spell to make his legs work again, and then called it good and went back to his life.

Angepain
Jul 13, 2012

what keeps happening to my clothes
I wish the Hey Arnold and Lion King 2 thread wouldn't keep getting into weird derails about that one lovely book series

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Shwoo posted:

I always took Upendi as a metaphor for how great it was to be in love, but I was most into the movie when I was nine.

Anyway, Cursed Child could only be improved by Harry exiling Scorpio Malfoy from Hogwarts while a group of students sing a song about his evil is as plain as the scar on his face, while meanwhile the ghost of James Potter schemes to get him together with Harry's son.

It is supposed to be, and you are totally correct, about the feeling of being in love. The issue is it doesnt really talk about the emotion of being in love so much as lines like "All the pink flamingos are intertwined" and "You can beat the bush like there's no tomorrow" which is why it feels off.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child continues to surprise me with ever more embarassing new little details. Soon Ill learn it thanks the province of Xinjiang

Asgerd
May 6, 2012

I worked up a powerful loneliness in my massive bed, in the massive dark.
Grimey Drawer
I distinctly remember that Ron gives love potions (which are explicitly magical date rape drugs) to a child as a present.

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo

quote:

Meanwhile, Draco reveals the Time-Turner was actually a prototype for a perfected model owned by him (it was made for his father), but they remain unable to rescue the boys due to their uncertainty over which time period they have entered. After Harry receives the message from the boys, he and his allies use Draco's Time-Turner to travel back in time to save them and stop Delphi. While waiting for Delphi, they deduce she intends to convince Voldemort to abandon his doomed attempt to kill Harry, ensuring her father's survival and allowing her to be with him.

Harry disguises himself as Voldemort using Transfiguration to distract Delphi, during which Delphi reveals that Bellatrix Lestrange is her mother and after a struggle, the group manages to subdue her. Rather than killing Delphi, it is decided that she will be brought to Azkaban Prison. Lord Voldemort then appears and is oblivious to the presence of Harry and the group. The group allows the murder of Harry's parents to play out again, unwilling to risk the consequences of altering the past.

They all stand with Harry to watch the sad event replay. After returning to the present day, Delphi is sent to Azkaban. Albus and Scorpius now decide to be more active at Hogwarts, with Scorpius expressing interest in trying out for Quidditch and asking Rose on a date. Harry and Albus visit Cedric's grave, with Harry apologizing for his role in Cedric's death.

Im just gonna leave the last three paragraphs of the plot synopsis here and y’all can imagine what leads to this

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017

Ghost Leviathan posted:

They actually mention that Scar wasn't even Kovu's father, he was just the last born before Scar's sympathisers got kicked out apparently

Even as a kid, I laughed and thought this part was just a hastily-applied bandaid to cover the fact that Simba's daughter was basically dating her uncle. It also bungles up the theme of your blood not determining how evil you are since, hey, Kovu's not actually related to Scar.

dordreff posted:

The woman who sells food on the train tries to murder Harry's lovely son with grenades for getting off the train early. she also grows claws and i think phases through a wall at some point. There's an alternate reality where Voldemort won and Malfoy's son Scorpius is called The Scorpion King. The whole play is about time travel, something previously established in Prisoner of Azkaban, and it directly contradicts all the ways in which time travel works in that book.
Cursed Child is truly batshit and it's astonishing that even a dickhead like Rowling thought any of it was a good idea.

Asgerd posted:

I distinctly remember that Ron gives love potions (which are explicitly magical date rape drugs) to a child as a present.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Meanwhile, Draco reveals the Time-Turner was actually a prototype for a perfected model owned by him (it was made for his father), but they remain unable to rescue the boys due to their uncertainty over which time period they have entered. After Harry receives the message from the boys, he and his allies use Draco's Time-Turner to travel back in time to save them and stop Delphi. While waiting for Delphi, they deduce she intends to convince Voldemort to abandon his doomed attempt to kill Harry, ensuring her father's survival and allowing her to be with him.

Harry disguises himself as Voldemort using Transfiguration to distract Delphi, during which Delphi reveals that Bellatrix Lestrange is her mother and after a struggle, the group manages to subdue her. Rather than killing Delphi, it is decided that she will be brought to Azkaban Prison. Lord Voldemort then appears and is oblivious to the presence of Harry and the group. The group allows the murder of Harry's parents to play out again, unwilling to risk the consequences of altering the past.

They all stand with Harry to watch the sad event replay. After returning to the present day, Delphi is sent to Azkaban. Albus and Scorpius now decide to be more active at Hogwarts, with Scorpius expressing interest in trying out for Quidditch and asking Rose on a date. Harry and Albus visit Cedric's grave, with Harry apologizing for his role in Cedric's death.

The whole world would've been better off if everything Harry Potter-related was Obliviated from Rowling's memories, because holy loving poo poo! :psyduck:

The things the stick out the most are the fact that Scorpius and Albus sound like they could be replaced with a shiny rock and absolutely nothing woudl change, how instead of rehabilitating Voldemort Jr., the cops ship her off to Azkaban with the implication that she'll get her soul sucked out, and that Scorpius maintains the heteronormative status quo because Rowling is a coward. :argh:

SlothfulCobra
Mar 27, 2011

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Also I think Harry's meant to be a jerk in later books basically just because he's a teenager

I know, but I still hated it. I don't think I ever really had the patience for that level of y/a angst, and by the time I was in like middle school I was pretty much done with fiction written for teenagers.

Which I guess I was weird, but I wonder how old you were supposed to be when you first got into the books to still be into some of the most insufferable teen angst when they finished 10 years later.

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute
Does Harry make it through a single book without a fight that results in him not being on speaking terms with one or both of his friends for multiple chapters?

Zore
Sep 21, 2010
willfully illiterate, aggressively miserable sourpuss whose sole raison d’etre is to put other people down for liking the wrong things

Sydin posted:

Does Harry make it through a single book without a fight that results in him not being on speaking terms with one or both of his friends for multiple chapters?

I think in book 6 it's Ron and Hermione who have the massive blowout while Harry remains on good terms with both (read: has Hermione continue to do his homework and hangs out with Ron).

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo
In book 2 they don’t have a fight I think, Hermione just gets paralyzed.

Oh and before that turned into a furry.

Zore
Sep 21, 2010
willfully illiterate, aggressively miserable sourpuss whose sole raison d’etre is to put other people down for liking the wrong things
Yeah, book 1 has the initial fight be the impetus for the three becoming friends in the first place.

2 doesn't really have a bit fight.

3 has Hermione get really hacked off about Harry sneaking into Hogsmeade and the big fight over Crookshanks killing Scabbers between her and Ron

4 has Ron turn on him for being picked as the fourth champion and they fight until after the first challenge. Also the fun Ron/Hermione fight over Krum.

5 is peak 'Harry being a prick' and has him pulling a ton of mopey bullshit though I don't remember any specific big fights.

6 has the Ron/Hermione blow up over Lavender but Harry isn't involved.

7 of course has the big moment where Ron loses his poo poo and leaves for a bit.

Ror
Oct 21, 2010

😸Everything's 🗞️ purrfect!💯🤟


it is canon that Hagrid is a bachelor his whole life, but does Hagrid gently caress? he goes on some dates with that huge alilison janney lady but I never got the impression that he scored.

I am concerned for the well-being of some of the magical creatures

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SlothfulCobra
Mar 27, 2011

Zore posted:

I think in book 6 it's Ron and Hermione who have the massive blowout while Harry remains on good terms with both (read: has Hermione continue to do his homework and hangs out with Ron).

Ron did get really mad at harry for pretending to use the luck potion on him, and Hermione was really angry over Harry and Ron using somebody else's notes.

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