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also some weed is gonna be involved here.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:15
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OUR STORY BEGINS
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Oct 8, 2020 03:18
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Dumbledore was just a young impressionable youth when he began the lengthy career for being a prick that would see him through to his death and far beyond.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:19
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This was like, before world war 2 or some poo poo. Some of this crap might be made up for the movies I dunno. I saw the first fantastic beasts and hated it and moved on with my life but some stuff about this era leaked in there I think.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:20
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Basically dumbledore is super advanced for a young wizard and knows lots of spells and stuff. He thinks he's hot poo poo and starts hanging out with this handsome young wizard named Grindlewald who, honestly, is a character that was just kinda tossed into the books and has an incredibly minor role which has somehow blown up into this huge thing and now the whole harry potter franchise revolves around this guy and we'll never escape him.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:22
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So what does grindlewald want? I think... He wants to stop world war 2? Maybe? Or something?
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Oct 8, 2020 03:34
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My impression from the books was always that dumbledore just bought into some weird racism stuff at that age and I don't think anything really refutes that from them but I think the movies went a different direction?
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Oct 8, 2020 03:35
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Anyway dumbledore is an rear end in a top hat. So he's off doing buddy buddy with his wizard pal grindlewald instead of watching his magically diseased sister who like explodes with magic or something.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:35
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Dumbledore is devastated. Grindlewald goes off to learn to be an evil wizard and dumbledore goes on to become a volcel which is JK Rowling's impression of what would make a wise and not evil wizard
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Oct 8, 2020 03:36
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Again not really in the text in any significant way but very famously, JK revealed dumbledore was gay, probably worth mentioning he was gay with Grindlewald. I mean good for them I guess.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:37
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So Dumbledore eventually plays the whole neutral like sweden thing when Grindlewald starts doing evil wizard poo poo years later. Eventually though, Dumbledore breaks and finally duels Grindlewald and wins. This is why everyone thinks Dumbledore is a badass and wants him to be minister of magic. Grindlewald for some reason doesn't get his soul sucked out of him by the ministry of magical murderers.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:39
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So Voldemort happens. Dumbledore is older. He's lazier. He's teaching students now instead of collaborating with history's next top murderer. Or so you'd think.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:40
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reignofevil posted:Grindlewald for some reason doesn't get his soul sucked out of him by the ministry of magical murderers. Didn't it go down in Europe and that's where he was taken? Maybe it's just England that are crazy fascists and everyone else is like 'don't go to England they still suck out the souls of people with parking tickets' in horrified whispers.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:43
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Dumbledore is for some reason in charge of going to collect kids for magical indoctrination and little kid voldemort is one of the kids Dumbledore goes to fetch. Basically all the signs that Voldemort is a fuckin monster are screaming out but Dumbledore ignores all of them because he is pretty sure he can provide this child with love and kindness at his school full of slaves and monsters where they run a sociopathic school points competition in which teachers act with open favoritism toward the classes they have been assigned and also one of the houses is just a bin for racists and power hungry evil maniacs.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:44
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Also Voldemort has to go back to the orphanage for summers. What a plan. Sure enough something goes wrong and Voldemort somehow becomes obsessed with racial politics and ancient magical history.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:45
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Something to point out is at this juncture: pretty sure Dumbledore was the transfiguration teacher? So this isn't really on him per say but for god's sake THE LIBRARY HAS A FORBIDDEN BOOKS SECTION and magical book learning operates on a tier system like tier 1) regular school approved books for maiming your fellow students tier 2) forbidden section of the library for the teacher's only reference texts for maiming your fellow academic coworker (also students can read this basically whenever if you're a huge nerd like hermione) tier 3) selected books that got cleared out of the forbidden books section when people were murdering those close to them and creating phylacteries from the sheer evil of the act and then presumably at some point Voldemort sought out and acquired in his post hogwarts career as an aspiring blood purist nazi wizard dictator some stuff from tier 4, the hard poo poo. This is like ancient texts from mummy tombs and poo poo and is the only part of your evil wizard career that can't be fulfilled explicitly by sucking up at the hogwarts library.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:51
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So uhh, Hogwarts accidentally manufactures the greatest threat the world has ever known. Dumbledore basically did nothing to identify or stop it. Time passes and Voldemort is doing some crazy rear end murder poo poo at the height of his power and Dumbledore's big idea to stop is isn't to try and ambush voldemort with a gun or blow him up with a bomb or even to challenge him to a duel to do some wizard poo poo instead voldemort creates a secret organization to fight the death eaters even though dumbledore has a magic wand he got from Grindlewald that makes him undefeatable in a fight. Somehow. Depending on if you satisfy some very finicky rules we don't need to get into here.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:54
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The order of the phoenix really doesn't do a great job at stopping death eaters, finding death eaters, anything really. Dumbledore is hanging out at hogsmead trying to fill the position of divination teacher which is great because not only does hogwarts have a tree that murders you if you go near it but they also have a whole branch of magic that everyone is pretty much sure is useless bullshit. (they're wrong though)
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Oct 8, 2020 03:56
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Blah blah blah dumbledore hears the prophecy "neither shall live while the other survives" is really the only part that matters and isn't just specifying which birthday voldemort was gonna have to go ruin.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:57
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Why this matters is because this was the first moment where it crossed Dumbledore's mind that he might be able to better his own life at the expense of an unborn baby and he set about to capitalize on this obvious brush with fate.
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Oct 8, 2020 03:58
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reignofevil posted:So uhh, Hogwarts accidentally manufactures the greatest threat the world has ever known. Dumbledore basically did nothing to identify or stop it. Time passes and Voldemort is doing some crazy rear end murder poo poo at the height of his power and Dumbledore's big idea to stop is isn't to try and ambush voldemort with a gun or blow him up with a bomb or even to challenge him to a duel to do some wizard poo poo instead voldemort creates a secret organization to fight the death eaters even though dumbledore has a magic wand he got from Grindlewald that makes him undefeatable in a fight. Somehow. Depending on if you satisfy some very finicky rules we don't need to get into here. yea, you know dumbledore watched the fuckin Blitz happen. He knows you can just bomb people to poo poo.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:00
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Dumbledore, an rear end in a top hat, asks to borrow James Potter's invisibility cloak, knowing that he had heard a prophecy that was like... maybe 50/50 for applying to James and Lilly potter? All because he was pretty sure the cloak had something to do with a kids story where there was a ghost and deep down dumbledore wanted to apologize to the ghost of his dead sister so that his brother would stop hating him for the time he was having adolescent homosexual deviancy when he should have been babysitting. Harry potter is a friday the 13th movie.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:00
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CainFortea posted:yea, you know dumbledore watched the fuckin Blitz happen. He knows you can just bomb people to poo poo. I accidentally wrote voldemort when I meant dumbledore there the alcohol is taking effect
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Oct 8, 2020 04:01
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So now James Potter and Lilly Potter are dead. Great job Dumbledore. He elects to keep the cloak.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:03
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Now he's got this baby. He's pretty sure blood magic killed voldemort. So overall he's looking at this as a win. He elects to send the baby off with his muggle family and then never checks on him at all. I mean why would he. What possible reason could dumbledore have to feel even slightly responsible for any of this.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:04
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See, based on some specious reasoning blood magic is somehow the best way to keep harry safe from voldemort. Some things to think about 1) Voldemort is dead, why the gently caress would this be a priority, sure it worked out great but I mean we had no way of predicting this would really be important. I don't think Dumbledore starts researching the possibility of horcruxes until the events of the chamber of secrets iirc?
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Oct 8, 2020 04:06
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Don't forget he lets Harry's godfather go to wizard prison where your soul is slowly murdered by evil ghosts. Because the good guys are definitely the side with evil ghosts that are so evil there's a special spell just to keep them away.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:07
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2) Voldemort had a ton of followers. Any one of them could just beat harry to death with a rock or throw a dragon at him when he's on the busride to school or something. In the books JK does some blah blah blah about how with the blood magic nobody who wanted to do him harm could find him so I guess he was "safe" but uhh it really didn't stop Dementors.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:07
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muscles like this! posted:Don't forget he lets Harry's godfather go to wizard prison where your soul is slowly murdered by evil ghosts. Because the good guys are definitely the side with evil ghosts that are so evil there's a special spell just to keep them away. How could dumbledore possibly figure out Sirius didn't blow up that square of people I mean all he has access to is a time machine and a magical device that lets him see people's memories. This was anyone's mistake to make. Plus sirius definitely cheated dumbledore at poker.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:09
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Dumbledore enticed his underaged students to perform time travel to keep sirius soul in his body (note: it did totally get sucked out one time but then time travel rectified this) so we'll call this one even but I can't help but speculate dumbledore arranged all of this so he could watch sirius get his soul sucked out but still have sirius around to torment in other ways later. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:10
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Harry finally gets his wizard letter and arrives. Dumbledore allows harry to be sent on a punishment in his first year into the forbidden forest so they can go watch unicorns get their blood sucked out by
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Oct 8, 2020 04:13
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There was some poo poo where Voldemort wanted a job at hogwarts so he could kill more people and make more horcruxes and maybe feed his giant pet snake he kept in the toilet but Dumbledore was in charge of the school at this point and he said no which you might say was a good idea since Voldemort was a murderer and all but actually this was just Dumbledore choosing this to be a dick to Voldemort personally.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:14
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His thinking is he doesn't wanna tell Harry like, that he helped get his family murdered, because Harry is too young. So instead he hangs out with harry next to the magic mirror that shows all of your hearts desires. Dumbledore hangs out here at nights.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:21
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That year harry almost dies in the girl's bathroom. The woods. He almost dies infiltrating the impossible to surpass challenges meant to keep any evil wizards from sneaking into hogwarts and stealing the immortality stone that Dumbledore is somehow the keeper of.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:22
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He probably almost dies on his broom but that's just schooling for you. He's the youngest quidditch blah blah blah in a blah blah blah. Dumbledore is totally cool with all of this.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:23
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Rigged house points system? Fine with Dumbledore. Every year he looks at the books and sees like fifty million points taken from Gryffindor from snape because they dropped their pencils or because harry's mum didn't gently caress him and then dumbledore takes a big ol smirk and signs his name on all the demerits and detentions. Then, like the prick he is, at the end of the first year he mathematically reverses everything snape did because harry did an impossible deadly task and also defeated an evil wizard with his magic blood spell that runs off of being abused by his aunt in a casual home setting. Gryffindor wins the house cup that year when they had lost the last ten years or some poo poo because it turns out the only inertia big enough to overcome Snape's incel hatred was defeating the most evil wizard who ever lived for a second time.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:27
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Year two rolls around. Nothing too pressing as far as Dumbledore is concerned. Harry is locked into his home with bars over the windows. Harry never gets on the train and nobody actually notices. This is the book where we learn the death eaters run the school board.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:30
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reignofevil posted:also one of the houses is just a bin for racists and power hungry evil maniacs. Best I can figure is that once you are sorted into Slytherin it's like being bar-code tagged for the rest of your life and put into the nearest thing to a rehabilitation program, as opposed to just being instantly expelled and allowed to study with Skeletor. Also wizards don't gat each other or carpet bomb each others' houses because magic breaks technology and vice versa.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:30
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Sodomy Hussein posted:Also wizards don't gat each other or carpet bomb each others' houses because magic breaks technology and vice versa. I'll allow it
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Oct 8, 2020 04:31
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 02:58 |
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Dumbledore needs to fill defense against the dark arts. You might think "hey, Dumbledore doesn't actually do a god damned thing. Like entire school years pass later on in the books where he's hunting horcrux's and everything runs fine without him. Maybe he could just fill in for the job of defense against the dark arts for-" No. No Dumbledore isn't going to do that this year. He's gonna hire technically not known to be a fraud Gilderoy Fraudhart and Dumbledore, greatest wizard of his age, can't identify this obvious self obsessed liar.
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Oct 8, 2020 04:34
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