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They're just tired of fighting with each other. Hope she gives them the middle finger. That is nowhere near an acceptable response.
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Nov 7, 2020 23:47
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an extended explanation for why they never loved her isn't really the same as loving her.
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Nov 7, 2020 23:52
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Also, as a glass-half-full way of thinking, at least now she now knows why she was treated so badly by her parents, and never has to waste another single thought on two arseholes who were prepared to throw her away because she was the uglier of two babies. Also, gently caress the sister. I know there is a golden child/scapegoat relationship going on. But what sort of monster can hear from their parents "we loved you coz you are pretty, and shat on your sister and tried to giver her away because when you were babies she wasn't as cute as you" and still not want anything to do with the sister you grew up with.
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Nov 8, 2020 00:03
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BrigadierSensible posted:Also, gently caress the sister. I know there is a golden child/scapegoat relationship going on. But what sort of monster can hear from their parents "we loved you coz you are pretty, and shat on your sister and tried to giver her away because when you were babies she wasn't as cute as you" and still not want anything to do with the sister you grew up with. This is an absolutely loving horrible story but I can't blame the sister too much. She's only 21, there's still time for her to really grow and see things for how they are.
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Nov 8, 2020 00:14
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atomicgeek posted:Fellow strange child of broken parents here. I don't post much, but I read some threads religiously and maybe that gives me a false prosocial sense or w/e but this moves me to tell you, Picnic Princess: I am glad you exist and I love reading your posts, even the sad and angry ones. I know you're not posting to me in any way, but very often I feel seen when you post, in a way I can't really explain. I think you're a good and valuable person. I'm pissed that the people who raised you don't see it. Well poo poo, I don't know how to process this. I'm sick in bed, barely functional, but you made me squeal aww loud enough to startle my cats 
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Nov 8, 2020 01:02
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number 1 snake fan posted:Are you me???? Bc goddamn this is like looking into a mirror I'd say the same, except my dad was infinitely worse than my mom. Which is probably why I thought her behavior wasn't actually bad for so long. Fortunately I saw him average twice a year between age 8 and 16, until I completely disowned him and never looked back. Lol that I'd be estranged from my mom within a year. Another big reason why I struggle with being the focus of attention for a day is that my sister would throw huge tantrums on my birthday because I got presents and she didn't. So of course everyone caved and gave her presents ony birthday too. A couple of times my grandparents got me one on hers "to keep it fair". But then she would throw a tantrum about how it was HER birthday and I didn't deserve anything, so that didn't last long. And again, it's not like it's this hugely traumatizing event, but compounded on top of the thousand other things that happened, it's just another nail in the coffin.
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Nov 8, 2020 01:21
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Peanut Butter posted:This is an absolutely loving horrible story but I can't blame the sister too much. She's only 21, there's still time for her to really grow and see things for how they are. The sister left when they hit 18 after a birthday where one got 1K and the other got 100 bux. This isn't even subtle gaslighting behavior, it's full on evil step-family bullying the protagonist in a fairy-tale levels of bullshit. I have vivid memories of being a kid and realizing when me and/or my own twin were being treated differently and unfairly. Not to mention memories of BOTH of us getting in trouble for calling it out and refusing to let people decide one was "the good one" and the other the "the bad one" -- the idea usually being that "the bad one" somehow influenced "the good one" into participating in said behavior, even when we were clearly partners in crime. gently caress, in middle-school one teacher decided that we were only both good at school because clearly one must be cheating off the other by special secret twin powers or somesuch, so they tried to put one of us in a remedial course. There's no way we could both be excelling. One of us had to be "the bad one" who was getting away with it. That was the kind of bs we had to contend with for most of our lives because people love to draw comparisons between twins. And parents and family will do it just as much, if not moreso. There's no way I can buy that this bitch of a sister didn't notice and just chose to keep the status quo because it benefited her.
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Nov 8, 2020 01:33
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Tin Can Hit Man posted:The sister left when they hit 18 after a birthday where one got 1K and the other got 100 bux. This isn't even subtle gaslighting behavior, it's full on evil step-family bullying the protagonist in a fairy-tale levels of bullshit. EDIT: That said, I can see why after starting therapy OP decided to put the blame squarely on her extremely bad parents and just not engage with sister.
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Nov 8, 2020 02:42
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 Even rats will think you are a jerk if you eat all the chocolate chips while your sister suffers.
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Nov 8, 2020 03:15
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Facebook Aunt posted:
Yes, but when it happens in rats, it’s instinct rather than the higher function it is in humans. The same is true of signs of humanity in whales, chimpanzees, minorities, and democrats. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST) (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Nov 8, 2020 03:27
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Lieutenant Dan posted:Which is insane. I've wanted to do this job since before I could talk. Like, my earliest memories were of doing this thing. My dad remembers me wanting to do this thing since I was a baby. So can you get me a job at the Chewing on Things Factory, or...?
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Nov 8, 2020 03:44
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Lieutenant Dan posted:What the hell. How am I gonna invite my dad into my life without this screaming racist harpy woman telling me everyone hates me and is lying and all my personal choices aren't actually choices and my life, career, future wife, physical appearance, and lifestyle are all 100% to spite her. For 30 years. Your mom has to return attention to herself at all costs. She sounds very draining to deal with. Is your relationship with your dad worth enduring your narcissist mom? Sounds like dad's not holding the line here and he's an enabler/codependent/also a victim/etc. You might have to cut them both out of your life, for your own sanity, if dad's not willing to set boundaries.
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Nov 8, 2020 04:18
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Picnic Princess posted:I'd say the same, except my dad was infinitely worse than my mom. Which is probably why I thought her behavior wasn't actually bad for so long. Fortunately I saw him average twice a year between age 8 and 16, until I completely disowned him and never looked back. Lol that I'd be estranged from my mom within a year. Yeah, my dad is very sweet but has his own problems (made me homeless at 16 bc of my mental health problems, other poo poo) and was a complete doormat in his relationship with my tyrannical mother
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Nov 8, 2020 05:25
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Panfilo posted:This thread especially makes me wonder about those divorces where one parent claims the ex poisoned their kids opinion of them. I mean for the sake of discussion, let's take the statement at face value. How likely is it one parent can manipulate a child into hating a parent all things being neutral? I've sometimes wondered if my mom tried to "poison" me against my dad. But the fact that he hosed off without warning when I was 9 "poisoned" me against him without any help from her. I was old enough to pick up the mail so I know she didn't hide anything from me, and my dad never sent a birthday card or anything after he ran off. I'm sure he told people my mom raised me to hate him, but it was entirely his actions that made me hate him, long before my mom could have done anything.
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Nov 8, 2020 06:21
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Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:Yes, but when it happens in rats, it’s instinct rather than the higher function it is in humans. The same is true of signs of humanity in whales, chimpanzees, minorities, and democrats. typical human
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Nov 8, 2020 06:27
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Panfilo posted:This thread especially makes me wonder about those divorces where one parent claims the ex poisoned their kids opinion of them. I mean for the sake of discussion, let's take the statement at face value. How likely is it one parent can manipulate a child into hating a parent all things being neutral? After my parents's honestly relatively amiable divorce my mom was not remotely quiet about her myriad opinions about my dad. My sister is quite a bit younger than I am, and while it's not anywhere near no contact level she and I have wildly diverging opinions about our dad. And this is when my mom was frankly not actually trying to poison us about our dad as opposed to just having a bad sense of parent-child boundaries. So I 100% believe it is perfectly possible for one parent to manipulate a child into hating the other parent, though I hardly believe ever shithead divorced man that says that is being correct about it.
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Nov 8, 2020 06:33
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i am harry posted:typical human Pretend I inserted a bender smiley here.
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Nov 8, 2020 08:09
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reignonyourparade posted:After my parents's honestly relatively amiable divorce my mom was not remotely quiet about her myriad opinions about my dad. My sister is quite a bit younger than I am, and while it's not anywhere near no contact level she and I have wildly diverging opinions about our dad. And this is when my mom was frankly not actually trying to poison us about our dad as opposed to just having a bad sense of parent-child boundaries. So I 100% believe it is perfectly possible for one parent to manipulate a child into hating the other parent, though I hardly believe ever shithead divorced man that says that is being correct about it. So, like a lot of things dudes say, it's technically possible but still staggeringly unlikely.
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Nov 8, 2020 08:09
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MIL joined a support groupquote:We at first said great when she told us, we thought it was for bereavement she recently lost her parents and has been having trouble with it. Nope. It’s a group for parents of estranged children. I was like we are literally standing here in your backyard and we come to see you and JYFIL every week. Apparently that doesn’t count, she was admitted to the group because she wrote in her application that she used to have an extraordinary relationship with her son and now it’s just ordinary. I can’t with her anymore I don’t even know what to do. We basically said k cool and left because we were taking our daughter somewhere. I’m sure the group is full of toxic nonsense and is going to make her worse and actual legit group (because the son or daughter can be the toxic ones too sometimes) would not have accepted her based on that explanation, I used to be up my son’s butt and know all the details of his life now he puts his wife and child first and sets boundaries with me oh the horror. Even her sister used to tell her relationship with DH was creepy. I really thought things were getting better she’s been acting normal the past bunch of visits guess I was wrong.
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Nov 8, 2020 08:28
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reignonyourparade posted:After my parents's honestly relatively amiable divorce my mom was not remotely quiet about her myriad opinions about my dad. My sister is quite a bit younger than I am, and while it's not anywhere near no contact level she and I have wildly diverging opinions about our dad. And this is when my mom was frankly not actually trying to poison us about our dad as opposed to just having a bad sense of parent-child boundaries. So I 100% believe it is perfectly possible for one parent to manipulate a child into hating the other parent, though I hardly believe ever shithead divorced man that says that is being correct about it. That's interesting. My brother is also quite a bit younger than I am and my parents divorced when he was little. There was a distinct split that happened where I sided more with my mom and he sided more with my dad. My dad did the typical divorced dad antics like being passive agressive with my mom, spoiling us and trying to convince us to move with him so he wouldn't have to pay my mom child support anymore. After a while my brother did move up to live with my dad which devastated my mom. She was the one doing all the actual parenting and setting boundaries while my dad would contradict her on things and was seldom present when it mattered. Even though it was mentioned several times my brother was completely oblivious to why my parents divorced (my dad had an affair). My dad could do no wrong by my brother, meanwhile he became increasingly abrasive towards my mom. It's like that as adults now, my brother only visits my mom if he needs something from her (dental insurance, a BBQ grill my step-dad is giving away, that kind of thing) and argues with her every time they see each other. I had assumed the veneer of my dad would wear off over time but it didn't. That's why I was wondering about it. My mom feels like my dad 'brainwashed' my brother, and it is true he was pretty impressionable at the time. But I'm not sure how much it was my dad or my brother.
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Nov 8, 2020 17:03
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number 1 snake fan posted:Are you me???? Bc goddamn this is like looking into a mirror  Where are these moms coming from??Beachcomber posted:So can you get me a job at the Chewing on Things Factory, or...? Sadly I dropped out of Chewing Things school but I can get you in good with Scribbling on the Walls Thanks for all the empathy, yall, especially the bit about only having the people you actually WANT at your wedding. I think I'm gonna talk to my dad about like, just not inviting her.
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Nov 8, 2020 21:29
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Lieutenant Dan posted:
That sounds like a good plan, don't be afraid to put your foot down.
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Nov 9, 2020 05:34
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ohnobugs posted:Your mom has to return attention to herself at all costs. She sounds very draining to deal with. Is your relationship with your dad worth enduring your narcissist mom? Sounds like dad's not holding the line here and he's an enabler/codependent/also a victim/etc. You might have to cut them both out of your life, for your own sanity, if dad's not willing to set boundaries. number 1 snake fan posted:That sounds like a good plan, don't be afraid to put your foot down. quote:Well, the holidays are coming and probably many of you, I’m dreading them.
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Nov 10, 2020 19:24
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My mom stopped by yesterday to remind me that me and my sister are huge disappointments. Between her perpetual negativity and my dad's full-on commitment to QAnon chuddery, my husband's convinced me to cut contact for a while before I drink myself into an early grave. My worst fear is her showing up unannounced, again. What do I do? Lock all of the doors and hope for the best? What if she breaks a window? What if she threatens to kill herself again? I could call the cops, but that would just make her angry, and I'm sure she'd get my dad involved. They've both just gone fully off the deep end, and I dunno what to do. I had my depression under control for so long and I'm being dragged back down. If I'd known they'd be like this there's no way I would have let them know where I live.
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Nov 10, 2020 19:27
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Post Ironic Cereal posted:My mom stopped by yesterday to remind me that me and my sister are huge disappointments. Between her perpetual negativity and my dad's full-on commitment to QAnon chuddery, my husband's convinced me to cut contact for a while before I drink myself into an early grave. Hi. I'm sorry about this. Okay, two things: if she does poo poo like this, she wants attention. She's not going to do anything except be a nuisance. And even if she did do something, not your problem, not your fault. Based on everything else you wrote, she doesn't seem like someone you should have around. At all. Just my 2 cents. My own mother loved to pull this too, though, where she'd just show up and invite herself in. I haven't seen her in years now and I'm so much better for it. Listen to your husband. If she just shows up, call the police. I guarantee she scampers right the gently caress off. Beyond that, you don't need this. And what you'd be doing isn't really escalating, it's self-preservation. It's outrageous that anyone in your life would make you feel like this. Again, sorry.
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Nov 10, 2020 19:39
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Other self protective things you can do: 1) Tell her on writing she's not welcome to come by unannounced. 2) Buy security cameras, and 3) do a check through you online accounts, email and social media, banks, etc to make sure your passwords are secure, and 4) take a privacy pass through all your social media and decide how much you really want shared at the world. Not saying your mom will act in a way warranting all of this, but it's worth doing in its own right.
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Nov 10, 2020 19:45
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Post Ironic Cereal posted:My worst fear is her showing up unannounced, again. What do I do? Lock all of the doors and hope for the best? What if she breaks a window? What if she threatens to kill herself again? I could call the cops, but that would just make her angry, and I'm sure she'd get my dad involved. Write this on a note card and post it by the door: "I'm sorry, but I'm unable to reorganize my schedule at the last minute to accomodate you. Had you contacted me in advance, I would have been able to set some time aside for you."
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Nov 10, 2020 19:49
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:Write this on a note card and post it by the door: "I'm sorry, but I'm unable to reorganize my schedule at the last minute to accomodate you. Had you contacted me in advance, I would have been able to set some time aside for you." Totally do that. Short of calling the cops, do you have someone you can trust to turn her away if she shows up? Like, if you post a friend or two who aren't afraid of confrontation at the guest book or entrance, you might be able to head her off with minimal drama. Helps if they've ever been bouncers or security in the past. I hate having to press my friends into service like that, but I've had to be proactive in the past with stalkers when I had to do something public, and it helped.
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Nov 10, 2020 21:37
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:Write this on a note card and post it by the door: "I'm sorry, but I'm unable to reorganize my schedule at the last minute to accomodate you. Could be good quote:Had you contacted me in advance, I would have been able to set some time aside for you." Not so sure about this, could just be heard as "if you do it right, I will let you past my boundaries again"
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Nov 10, 2020 21:41
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:Write this on a note card and post it by the door: "gently caress OFF."
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Nov 10, 2020 22:02
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Epitope posted:Could be good Agreed - the parent would 100% interpret 'would' as a promise to accommodate if they texted at 2am the night before because that is certainly sufficient advanced notice.
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Nov 10, 2020 22:03
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Post Ironic Cereal posted:My mom stopped by yesterday to remind me that me and my sister are huge disappointments. Between her perpetual negativity and my dad's full-on commitment to QAnon chuddery, my husband's convinced me to cut contact for a while before I drink myself into an early grave. -Send a clear message written message that you do not want her to come to your house. In your case it would include something like "I am taking a break from our relationship" and "do not contact me, I will contact you when I am ready." Don't try to soften the blow by saying things like "I'm sorry" or suggesting that there's a "right" way for her to contact you/come to your house. Clarity is kindness. You can also say that if she comes to your house again you will call the police, but only do this if you are actually willing to call the police. It might scare her away or it might make her show up to prove that you can't tell her what to do. -Set up a security camera or cameras. There are kinds that you can monitor from your phone. If your mother attacks you or breaks a window, you'll have a recording of it. If she's waiting for you to come home, you'll know and be able to take action- ask a neighbor tell her to leave or call the police and say that there's a stranger loitering at your house, or have someone come home with you. -Call the police non-emergency number and see what you can do to protect yourself legally. The written message not to contact you is useful because it proves that you were clear that you wanted to be left alone. -Practice and plan for what you'll do if/when she shows up. You're allowed to hide in a closet and pretend you're not there! You're allowed to ask your husband or a neighbor to handle her! Do whatever will keep you safe and psychologically okay. If you do acknowledge her, just tell her to leave. Don't get drawn into conversation and don't open the door. You might even practice things you might say to the police like "An estranged relative (not "my mother") is at my door and refusing to leave/behaving erratically, I am afraid for my safety." If she's someone who might break a window or threaten suicide then this is totally justified. These things aren't just practical things to do. They're ways to make you able to exercise control over the situation. And you do have a lot of control! She can make you feel bad, but she can't take away your car keys or fight the cops. The only thing that really matters is that you and your husband are okay. I hope this helps.
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Nov 10, 2020 23:10
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Thank you all so much, these are fantastic suggestions! I'm awful at confrontation, so the note card is a good start. I've muted my family in the meantime. Hopefully in a day or two I'll have my head on straight again and know where to go from there.
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Nov 10, 2020 23:18
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Wishing you the best 
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Nov 11, 2020 02:20
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From the relationships thread: A rotten choice quote:My adult son and his wife, "Casey," live with me, along with their children. They both struggle with mental illness, and my son has dealt with addiction since he was a young teen. Two months ago, Casey got into an argument with my daughter, "Meg.” They've had some tension before. Meg, while well-intentioned, tends to be a bit overbearing in her attempts to help. Casey responded badly to Meg trying to offer some advice. She posted about Meg on social media, claiming that she's racist, that she uses drugs (she doesn’t), and that her husband is cheating on her. She then posted that Meg had called CPS on her, before calling CPS herself to report Meg as negligent. Meg definitely had not reported them to anyone and no social worker ever contacted us. Prudence posted: quote:Man, what? You think your daughter is “forcing [people] to choose between one another” because she declines to be around the woman who called CPS on her because she was angry? “Sure, Casey falsely and publicly accused you of calling CPS on her kids, then called CPS on your kids, but can’t you just smile politely when she invites herself to a baby shower?” is not a reasonable request to make of your daughter, and even if she was a little overbearing—frankly, even if she was a lot overbearing—nothing justifies Casey’s dangerous and unhinged attempts at retaliation. You can’t “be together as a family peacefully” with a woman who just tried to get your kids taken away from you because she was mad about some unsolicited advice, no matter how unsuccessful that attempt was. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you’re asking for “peace” so much as a total denial of reality and pasted-on smiles from everybody. “Why can’t we all just sit together in the living room and ignore the relatives we hate and mistrust” is not a particularly compelling image of family.
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Nov 11, 2020 05:24
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Post Ironic Cereal posted:Thank you all so much, these are fantastic suggestions! I'm awful at confrontation, so the note card is a good start. I've muted my family in the meantime. Hopefully in a day or two I'll have my head on straight again and know where to go from there.
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Nov 11, 2020 05:49
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My wife hasn't spoken to her parents since 2014, and her dad messaged me on Facebook when I posted a distressed Facebook status because of car trouble on the way to Utah (moving from Ms) saying they would help "no strings attached ". This was the first contact to me by them in this entire time frame. I didn't even give him a read receipt, I just deleted it and didn't tell her about it until we were safe at the hotel about 9 hours later. Lmao gently caress you bitch rear end hoe rear end motherfuckers if you wanted to even have the chance to help us when we might otherwise fuckin die then you shoulda acted right when you had the chance. gently caress outta here, we don't need you, we don't even have to tell you we don't need you because we don't fuckin need you. Nice try fuckface, I'd say we'll see you at your funeral but we won't because we still ain't comin back after you die.
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Nov 11, 2020 07:08
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quote:Well, the holidays are coming and probably many of you, I’m dreading them. Am I crazy or does anyone else get the feeling that the son was abused by his grandparents and his mother is in denial about it? It would explain why she's apparently shunned by the rest of the family and the venom he seems to have toward her parents. Something tells me that her son used to hate the holiday season a lot more than she now does. You know, before he was old enough to go and spend it with the people he loves and genuinely enjoys being around rather than the people he despises.
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Nov 11, 2020 13:37
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Oh yeah. There are a lot of holes in her story. Like complaining about her son "snarling" at her, but not telling what horrible thing she said to set him off. Or the family memorabilia conversation. That conversation did not start and end with her offering photos and her son saying he feels judged. It makes sense that someone would not want keepsakes from someone who was an abuser or a non-entity in their life. Mom could also be blowing up over nothing. Her son said "no" to taking some family photos, and she probably kept pushing, and she posts his response to her behavior, as if he's out of line. Mom's focus on the car is also weird. It's completely irrelevant to her story. It does show her laser focus on status symbols.
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Nov 11, 2020 21:45
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ohnobugs posted:Oh yeah. There are a lot of holes in her story. Like complaining about her son "snarling" at her, but not telling what horrible thing she said to set him off. Or the family memorabilia conversation. That conversation did not start and end with her offering photos and her son saying he feels judged. In other words, it pays to read between the lines. Sometimes the truth can be found by paying close enough attention to notice what the other person is strangely evasive about.
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Nov 11, 2020 22:46
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