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Xlorp posted:I learned before grade school to protect any information about myself I knew I could shelter from them. EVERYTHING eventually became grist for abuse, so it was a mirage of dutiful attention protecting the terrified inside client against all comers. My experience is similar, but to a lesser degree. My mantra was always "If I tell them(my parents) about X, then it will just become a huge production that will suck all the joy from it and I will potentially/probably get in trouble. Better to tell them nothing, and that everything is fine so they won't get involved."
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Dec 8, 2020 08:27
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I regret every personal issue I've ever told my family because they've all turned it against me in some way.
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Dec 8, 2020 09:00
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BrigadierSensible posted:My experience is similar, but to a lesser degree. Picnic Princess posted:I regret every personal issue I've ever told my family because they've all turned it against me in some way. agreed. often i wonder how much easier my life might have been if i’d just kept my head down until i left but i think it isn’t unreasonable to hope that your family will treat you with the respect they are supposed to, that’s their job and their failure to do so is not your fault
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Dec 8, 2020 09:05
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Yeah, it's a righteous mistake. And that learned instinct to withhold should be unlearned ASAP, outside that dysfunctional relationship. Being able to confide about oneself is really a precondition to having any close connections in one's life.
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Dec 8, 2020 15:53
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Today in college was fun. We were learning how to develop 35mm black and white camera film, which involved having to roll film spools in a tiny cramped dark room. Our lecturer stressed how important it was that we don’t panic in the dark room. So I went in, the door was shut behind me, and I was left in 100% total darkness to roll film. And I realised I honestly wasn’t frightened, being in a pitch black room not much larger than a coffin, because I had spent many moments of my childhood hiding in my wardrobe so my mother couldn’t find me to scream at me about something innocuous that had made her fly into a rage. Not a nice thing to realise, and certainly not something I was up for explaining to my lecturer when I came out of the dark room not all that freaked out by being confined in a tiny pitch black room.
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Dec 8, 2020 18:25
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Poo In An Alleyway posted:Today in college was fun. We were learning how to develop 35mm black and white camera film, which involved having to roll film spools in a tiny cramped dark room. Our lecturer stressed how important it was that we don’t panic in the dark room. So I went in, the door was shut behind me, and I was left in 100% total darkness to roll film. And I realised I honestly wasn’t frightened, being in a pitch black room not much larger than a coffin, because I had spent many moments of my childhood hiding in my wardrobe so my mother couldn’t find me to scream at me about something innocuous that had made her fly into a rage. Not a nice thing to realise, and certainly not something I was up for explaining to my lecturer when I came out of the dark room not all that freaked out by being confined in a tiny pitch black room. Maybe you could harness this ability and channel it to become a caving vigilante, avenging spelunking crimes and protecting innocent cavers from the grimlocks (the D&D monsters/90s horror movie Grim monster/the morlocks).
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Dec 8, 2020 18:53
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indiscriminately posted:Yeah, it's a righteous mistake. And that learned instinct to withhold should be unlearned ASAP, outside that dysfunctional relationship. Being able to confide about oneself is really a precondition to having any close connections in one's life. I have this and it sucks! I hate it! How am I supposed to unlearn it, when I'm still talk to them and they still do their crap? Sharing some trivial detail about myself leads into a labyrinth of battles for autonomous control. Actually it's been a nice training for dealing with bureaucracy. This learned instinct has kept me safer around the Vogons. Sharing only what's absolutely necessary is the key to not getting snared. Thanks mom and dad!
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Dec 8, 2020 20:08
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I like that the son is in a stable, long-term 11 year long relationship and presumably happy with it but they still deride him as a loser for it because his partner isn't a straight monogamous woman.
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Dec 8, 2020 21:00
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PetraCore posted:I like that the son is in a stable, long-term 11 year long relationship and presumably happy with it but they still deride him as a loser for it because his partner isn't a straight monogamous woman. The most generous possible interpretation(which is wrong, these people are full-psycho homophobes and the bit about their daughter's posts give that away) is that they think there's a "right way" to live your life, and these damned brats deviated from doing as we say.
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Dec 8, 2020 22:44
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That woman seems very upset about her kids doing well. Loving that she's spending eight hours a day being mad at her daughter on Twitter.
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Dec 8, 2020 22:52
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Another factor that is getting overlooked in the talk about their obvious homophobia, (and don't overlook that homophobia as it is a big factor), is the bit at the end where they say "all our friends are buying condos and cars for their kids, should we?" Which I read to mean that the parents are ashamed and embarrassed by their kids when they go to their country club to hear stories about how their friends children are doing so well driving the lambourghini that was bought for them and living in Manhattan working for the parents company etc. etc. The son and the daughter escaped to live their own lives their way, and that doesn't look good in the snobby social circles that the parents live in.
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Dec 8, 2020 22:56
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BrigadierSensible posted:Another factor that is getting overlooked in the talk about their obvious homophobia, (and don't overlook that homophobia as it is a big factor), is the bit at the end where they say "all our friends are buying condos and cars for their kids, should we?" 100%. Nothing is about the kids. Everything is about how it reflects on her. Her whole post just reads like "I could totally buy my way back into my kids' lives at any time." I doubt it, and it doesn't fit with her claim about raising her kids frugally and with values. So relationships weren't transactional when they were dependent on her, but they are now? Nah. These people withheld a lot of support. She unintentionally raised two survivors, and she's mad about it, because she can't claim credit for any of it and can't brag about being a lovely parent.
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Dec 8, 2020 23:41
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i liked how they listed everything they did for the kids like they were keeping score.
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Dec 9, 2020 00:08
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Picnic Princess posted:I wonder what % of estrangements are parents not being able to accept their queer and/or former gifted children. My guess is "extremely high". A lot of those "former gifted kids" ended up being neurodivergent in some way or another, so yeah. Very high percentage.
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Dec 9, 2020 00:13
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indiscriminately posted:Yeah, it's a righteous mistake. And that learned instinct to withhold should be unlearned ASAP, outside that dysfunctional relationship. Being able to confide about oneself is really a precondition to having any close connections in one's life. This hit home for me. I pretty much left home for college and didn’t look back. While my parents weren’t abusive beyond utilizing spanking, I can trace pretty much all of my anxiety and depression to three things: my mother’s personality, my father being a career military officer and the subsequent moving every 2-3 years my entire life, and being homeschooled. Quite the combination and you might as well throw in them being fundamentalist evangelical for a real petri dish of bullshit. There are a few moments in my life that I distinctly remember everything about, and one of them was me casually mentioning I liked some girl at the dinner table and being teased about it by my entire family. Sure, family teases each other, but this started me down the path of “don’t talk about poo poo otherwise it could be used against you in some fashion.” It took me a very, very long time to be more open with people about my thoughts and feelings after I left home. Even so, there are really only two people in this world who truly, truly know me - my best friend as well as my wife. My experiences growing up are nowhere near as terrible as what people in this thread have had or continue to experience, but I appreciate what people have shared because it has helped me process my own experiences and put them into perspective. devmd01 fucked around with this message at 01:43 on Dec 9, 2020 |
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Dec 9, 2020 01:39
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devmd01 posted:There are a few moments in my life that I distinctly remember everything about, and one of them was me casually mentioning I liked some girl at the dinner table and being teased about it by my entire family. Sure, family teases each other, but this started me down the path of “don’t talk about poo poo otherwise it could be used against you in some fashion.” Sounds like living with a pack of wolves, ready to pounce on any vulnerability.
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Dec 9, 2020 02:05
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GORDON posted:Sounds like living with a pack of wolves, ready to pounce on any vulnerability. Some people never grow out of the absolute worst phase of high school.
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Dec 9, 2020 06:59
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devmd01 posted:“don’t talk about poo poo otherwise it could be used against you in some fashion.” Yeah, this is what I internalized as a child. Anything that I didn't keep to myself was an opportunity to be teased, criticized or controlled by my mother.
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Dec 9, 2020 11:58
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efua__7B7j4 This popped up in my recommendations. I thought it was great, not only for the advice they give, but Mother Gothel is so, so much what I grew up with. I could have wrote her character through my own experiences. I love the movie but it gives me some pretty strong PTSD vibes sometimes, that lower gut dread feeling. Especially the whole "you need my protection because you're too naive and stupid to make any decisions for yourself, never leave the house."
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Dec 9, 2020 18:57
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Picnic Princess posted:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efua__7B7j4 This channel rules and it occurs to me now, as I was about to call them old white dudes, that I'm around the same age as them and holy poo poo excuse me I'm going to go find a walker. My parents did the decent thing and just stopped calling when I publically (on facebook lol) committed to my wife and her transition (I'm AFAB, so that took me from a straight passing relationship to a very very queer one, which I suspect offended them on a level they don't want to share, even though I've been openly bisexual since high school). They're big on "Libertarian Ideals" and listen to lovely talk radio, and keep fox news on all the time. "Live and let live" is their favorite phrase, but isn't it SO CRAZY that the weekly meetups stopped after my wife came out? Part of me wonders if my mom ever posts on those "support" groups.
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Dec 9, 2020 19:32
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Had to stay over at mom and dad's place due to having to evacuate our apartment complex flooding after a water main broke and of course she's being a bipolar neat freak controlling bitch, she freaks the gently caress out if she sees even one little crumb and is obsessed with keeping the kitchen counter-tops clean. Even wiping them down after I prepare something isn't good enough. I swear all mothers have Crumb-vision or something. Neat freaks suck and it's one of many reasons I moved out of my parents' place as soon as I could. PMSing out over crumbs isn't normal. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Dec 9, 2020 21:07
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I'm sorry about your situation, but I'm sure you could have found a better word than bitch. EDIT: The PMS line is also misogynistic.
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Dec 9, 2020 21:50
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*throwing burned and brittle eggos at the ceiling fan turned up to high and catching the pieces with their mouth* "Relax you neat freak bitch." This is a joke. I just like to try and humorously mentally scale people's perceptions of what they are doing to the actual behavior.
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Dec 9, 2020 22:12
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wafflemoose posted:Had to stay over at mom and dad's place due to having to evacuate our apartment complex flooding after a water main broke and of course she's being a bipolar neat freak controlling bitch, she freaks the gently caress out if she sees even one little crumb and is obsessed with keeping the kitchen counter-tops clean. Even wiping them down after I prepare something isn't good enough. I swear all mothers have Crumb-vision or something. I feel bad for your mom.
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Dec 9, 2020 23:39
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I used to be called crazy if I left clothes on my floor or my toys out as a kid, like normal kids do. Then my grandpa, who lived alone, developed severe dementia and we went into his apartment after he was put in a home, and it was completely filthy with spilled food and vomit crusted into the carpets over what was probably a few years. My mom told me it was no different than what I was guilty of and that it was my future. Her ex used to yell at me if I stepped past a visible piece of lint on the carpet, and if I said he just did the same, it wasn't his job to clean anything because he was the man of the house. I never turned into a huge neat freak, but because I'm not, I've never invited her into my home. If it isn't perfect, it would be "oh you still are crazy, I see." I got called crazy a lot, and it turned out I was ADHD and depressed from years of early age trauma, being nonbinary and not understanding any of that, and always in pain and fatigued from EDS lmao. Imagine if even once I was offered support or help rather than relentlessly mocked and shamed. I hope I'm not going to always be angry about that. At least I ended up the opposite and always try to be as kind, positive, and understanding as I possibly can be.
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Dec 10, 2020 00:21
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I'm like the complete opposite of a lot in this thread. Instead of overparenting and freakouts I got... basically no parenting at all. Since 8 years old I was expected to take care of myself in most respects; once I bought a car at 15 my parents didn't even care if I came home at night. The only situation they'd be mad about is if I came home late and woke them up, then I'd get a talking to the next day about being quieter. I would routinely get left waiting for hours to be picked up from sports practice or whatever I was doing, every loving time I'd have to assure the other parents that it was fine to leave me there, I'd be okay and my parents would (probably) be there (eventually). I got so used to it that it was the norm. They usually didn't get home until about 10 PM at which point they'd prepare for bed so I was on my own all the time when I wasn't in school. Both of them were pretty much workaholics in a a bad way, their focus was work and making sure the house didn't burn down, apart from that they couldn't be bothered to care about anything, really. They were also much older parents, I had two half sisters that were 5 and 10 years older than me and my parents were around 40 when I was born. Seems like my sisters absorbed all the classical parenting and when I came along both my parents were just totally over it. I recently learned from my parents that when I was a small child I would literally pull all of my hair out to the point that I had a huge bald spot on the top of my head. I just learned this fact, at 32 years old lol. And wouldn't you know it I still do very similar things, I have massive callouses on both thumbs from where I rub my fingers together forcefully due to anxiety. I also ended up with pretty nasty drug issues in my attempt to ameliorate the problems with my brain, drug issues that took nearly a decade to get over and probably could've been avoided if someone had taken the time to care and help me with my personal issues. But because my grades weren't awful and I was on track to go to and graduate college nobody really took notice at all. If I had had my anxiety/depression/ADD combo treated sooner I likely wouldn't have turned to drugs to solve the problem, but to me that was just life and I didn't realize that not everybody felt that way. It seems petty to complain about this stuff given all we've seen in this thread, and there were probably good things and bad things about this parenting style. I still love and appreciate my parents, and talk to them. But I do think back sometimes and wonder if things could've been different with parents who were actually engaged in their child's life. Luckily I survived my mistakes but it easily could've gone otherwise Play fucked around with this message at 00:50 on Dec 10, 2020 |
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Dec 10, 2020 00:47
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No way, neglect is just as bad. I complain a lot about what was done to me, but I was also very ignored or shut away. Literally, she and her friends were hardcore party animals, staying up all night and locking all us kids away so we couldn't bother them. We were so hungry and up all night from the noise, no TV, no food, we had a sink so we could drink water but it was untreated ground water that stunk like sulfur and full of metal chunks from old pipes. There was sometimes cat food and we tried to eat that but it was too gross so we just went hungry. That boredom led to some really dark stuff I'm not prepared to type out. Ive only told my husband. Nothing happened to me, but I witnessed some things that definitely shouldn't have happened and wouldn't have if we had supervision.
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Dec 10, 2020 01:02
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I just finished reading The Body Keeps The Score and it's been extremely helpful in examining my own trauma and how it's impacted my mental and physical health. The author days that childhood trauma, whether it's from abuse, neglect, etc is the single biggest public health emergency in the country (this was written in 2014, so before covid lol) and that getting trauma-informed intensive therapy is the single best way to improve ones own life if they suffer from trauma. You would be surprised at the ways that it expresses itself unconsciously. Anyway, super heavy trigger warning for detailed descriptions of child sexual abuse in the book
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Dec 10, 2020 01:22
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Play posted:I'm like the complete opposite of a lot in this thread. Instead of overparenting and freakouts I got... basically no parenting at all. Since 8 years old I was expected to take care of myself in most respects; once I bought a car at 15 my parents didn't even care if I came home at night. The only situation they'd be mad about is if I came home late and woke them up, then I'd get a talking to the next day about being quieter. I would routinely get left waiting for hours to be picked up from sports practice or whatever I was doing, every loving time I'd have to assure the other parents that it was fine to leave me there, I'd be okay and my parents would (probably) be there (eventually). I got so used to it that it was the norm. They usually didn't get home until about 10 PM at which point they'd prepare for bed so I was on my own all the time when I wasn't in school. It's not petty. Just a little effort would have prevented a lot of suffering, and your parents didn't do it. I don't understand that. They knew about your anxiety issues and probably dealt with the symptom, the hair pulling, and called it a day. I had a neglectful upbringing, and it's very harmful. It's like being constantly told you're not worth anything. Not to mention the skills they aren't passing on. Just talking to a child every day is so important. My parents couldn't be bothered to do things like buy my brother and myself clothes and food. We had food at home, but we never had school lunches. They wouldn't buy PB&J, or fruit and vegetables, or things we could just grab and take in. It wasn't food they were going to eat, so it just never occurred to them to do it. And I would tell them what we needed. My brother would go to school in clothes with holes in them. I took meticulous care of the week's worth of clothing I had. These people weren't poor. They were just selfish and not really capable of seeing our needs. They also never showed any real interest in us as people. My dad had this Norman Rockwell fantasy image of us as a family, and he would punish us for violating that. It wasn't possible to fit that image. Stepmom straight up didn't care. She's here for my dad's bank account, which is now empty, so it's gonna be interesting to see where their marriage goes. My dad was a workaholic too and would use that to avoid family responsibility. And Boy Scouts. He was really, really into Boy Scouts and would spend all his free time volunteering with them. He never forgave my brother for losing interest in Boy Scouts and would just never support any of his hobbies or interests. 40 is a little late to be having kids, but it isn't that old. I'm not saying you need to go out and burn bridges right now, but I think you're being unnecessarily generous in calling what they did a parenting style. You deserved better. I'm glad you're getting stuff sorted out. Picnic Princess posted:Imagine if even once I was offered support or help rather than relentlessly mocked and shamed. Yeah everybody's eager to jump on the shame train.
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Dec 10, 2020 03:03
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i grew up both hovered over and neglected, it’s very confusing
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Dec 10, 2020 03:23
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Picnic Princess posted:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efua__7B7j4 This thread seems like a safe place to say this: I loving hate how people misuse the term gaslighting. I'm sure a lot of you have experienced this, where someone claims that they are being 'gaslit' in the course of a pretty standard disagreement. It's just another term that gets warped by people who think anything that upsets them constitutes abuse. When I was around 16 or 17, my dad tried to convince me that I was having lapses in consciousness and had threatened a young boy with a knife, then used that as an excuse to kick me out of the house. It was surreal. I started to wonder if maybe I WAS having mental lapses and threatening children, but I suspect it had more to do with my dad wanting me to move out so he could move his girlfriend in. Especially because after a while, he acted like he never accused me of threatening a child with a knife and allowed me to move back in part time (I lived with my mom part time, too, but she also wanted me out so she would have room for my baby half brother. She did not believe I was going around threatening children, fortunately!). He pulled that stuff on my mom for most of my life, but as a kid and a young teen I couldn't really perceive what he was doing, so it seemed like my mom was always lashing out at nothing. I saw her as "too emotional" and vowed never to become like her. As a FEE-MALE, it was my obligation to try to be as much like a man as possible, or accept my inferiority. It was only after my parents divorced that he turned the full force of his abuse on me and I realized I had spent my life resenting the wrong parent. It's kind of surreal to realize someone is truly trying to break you. The nail in the coffin was when my dad tried to convince me that I wasn't his biological daughter. Because he wanted to gently caress me. It was revolting. Take out your trash early and often, people. I'll feel a lot safer if/when I ever find out he's dead. To this day my mom tells me that myself and my sister are like "orphans" from an alternate timeline. I am truly happy for her; she got out, made a new family, and lives her best life. She has chickens and a greenhouse. But it's weird to be called an orphan by your living parent lmao.
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Dec 10, 2020 03:39
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nishi koichi posted:i grew up both hovered over and neglected, it’s very confusing Oh yo, it's me. Okay, I tried posting this poo poo before but I ended up deleting it because basically I feel dumb but my mom is dying, like doc gave her a timeline things are terminal and there really isn't a way this doesn't end with her dying. I'm feeling really conflicted right now. I feel really guilty for having kept my distance but she just has behaved so selfishly throughout my life that I don't feel comfortable getting too close right now. And that makes me feel even worse. I don't really have anything to say beyond that. It's just a poo poo situation and I don't know what to do or how to feel and sometimes it seems like I'm a bad person but I've done so much for this lady. More than any child should ever have to do for their parent and as if that isn't enough I know, KNOW, that there is nothing in place for when she passes. Nothing. No plan. No will. Nothing, and no matte what I say she'll never even try to get her poo poo together. So her very last act will be to leave me in a pile of poo poo.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:09
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number 1 snake fan posted:I just finished reading The Body Keeps The Score and it's been extremely helpful in examining my own trauma and how it's impacted my mental and physical health. The author days that childhood trauma, whether it's from abuse, neglect, etc is the single biggest public health emergency in the country (this was written in 2014, so before covid lol) and that getting trauma-informed intensive therapy is the single best way to improve ones own life if they suffer from trauma. You would be surprised at the ways that it expresses itself unconsciously. This book was great for me. Got me into yoga, which gave me restful sleep for the first time in many years. It also finally gave me an answer on why I can't feel some parts of my body, and why I can be visibly emotional but have no idea what I'm feeling.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:19
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Literally A Person posted:Oh yo, it's me. I'm gonna have the same problem when my dad dies. This might sound cold, but I see no reason to rush into anything or do anything right now. Please take care of yourself first. If that means keeping a distance from your mom, do it.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:23
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Literally A Person posted:Oh yo, it's me. if what you say is true, your conscience can be clear. If parents don't give emotional support at pivotal times when it's needed they can't expect to count on it when they need it.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:27
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Tokyo Sexwale posted:if what you say is true, your conscience can be clear. If parents don't give emotional support at pivotal times when it's needed they can't expect to count on it when they need it. I wish it were that simple. I just can't stop feeling guilty. It sucks lol. ohnobugs posted:I'm gonna have the same problem when my dad dies. This might sound cold, but I see no reason to rush into anything or do anything right now. Please take care of yourself first. If that means keeping a distance from your mom, do it. I'll certainly keep that in mind. Thanks.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:34
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Feeling guilty means you've got a good heart and care about people, even those who don't actually deserve it.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:45
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Picnic Princess posted:Feeling guilty means you've got a good heart and care about people, even those who don't actually deserve it. lame.
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Dec 10, 2020 04:49
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Think of it like shooting someone in self defense. The guilt is real, but you can remember that their choices are what left you with no choice. It won't make you feel better, but it's a getting off point when you guilt spiral. "That person made me choose, them or me, it's not my fault I chose me"
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Dec 10, 2020 05:11
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It IS lame. That's where half my fuckin rage over it all comes from.
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Dec 10, 2020 05:15
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