|
02-6611-0142-1 posted:family can gently caress off, actually
|
#
?
Dec 16, 2020 18:44
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 23, 2024 20:01 |
|
|
Baron Zephyrus posted:My dad wanted to marry my mom before he was deployed (Desert Storm, iirc), but his priest wouldn't do it. But then apparently told them "but if she's pregnant, I'll marry you tomorrow." Because he didn't want them to rush into marriage, but god loving forbid a kid be born out of wedlock. I still haven't gotten a proper story as to how they did actually marry, just that dad's priest wouldn't do it. Yeah, that sounds normal to me. Some churches if you want to get married there you need to do a few sessions of pre-marriage couples counseling. Presumably to discuss your values, how many kids do you want, how are you going to raise them, money, in-laws, etc. Things people deeply, passionately in horny may not think about, where a fundamental mismatch can set you up for an inevitable divorce. If you're pregnant and keeping it you're already legally and financially entwined for the next 20 years so you might as well get a quickie wedding to make it respectable. But if there's no emergency and you just don't want to do the mandatory counselling thing they go all "our roof, our rules".
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2020 03:39
|
|
|
Baron Zephyrus posted:
It is possible that your sister is having a migraine without the pain. I’ve had that happen to me before, no aura, no warning, then all of the sudden I can’t talk without slurring and can’t work the right side of my body.
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2020 17:15
|
|
|
There's also a ton of benefits for being married in the military iirc, mostly that you can move out from the barracks to on-base housing. Hence why you get all those kids fresh out of boot camp marrying the first available stripper.
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2020 17:16
|
|
|
My mom and dad were forced to get married by my Catholic grandparents because no way their 18 year old daughter was having a baby out of wedlock! He's her drug dealer? Oh well, should have thought of that before getting knocked up for fun with your friends.
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2020 20:12
|
|
|
Due to my lack of friends and the fact that I have lived alone and a continent away from my family in a place where I only half speak the language for most of the last 15 years, my Christmas/New Year/Holiday time has been spent with a ritual of baked beans on toast and a glass of orange juice for Christmas and New Years breakfast alone in my one bedroom flat, and maybe watch a movie in the afternoon. If that sounds sad and pathetic, it's because it is. But even saying that, I prefer it to what I am going to have to do this year. Due to COVID issues, I am stuck living in my parents spare bedroom, and will be until at least mid February, possibly mid March. So I am going to have a family Christmas. You know, the type where I am forced to buy a box of chocolates as a present for my Aunty Helen, who I haven't seen in more than a decade, and pretend to be excited about the socks she will buy me. I will endure stupid questions from her that prove how little she knows me or cares. "Are you still working at the supermarket? How about that girl Rebecca you were dating?", (I haven't worked at a supermarket since Uni, and Rebecca is long since married to someone else and has 3 kids.) I will be stuck in a room with people, none of whom will be talking about why Uncle Adam isn't there, but will all know, (He is a raging alcoholic who tried to steal Grannies inheritance from his siblings), nor will we mention his kids whom none of us have met. Something else that won't be mentioned is how my cousin Susan recently confided in me she is gay, but hasn't told her conservative dad. So there is something else to hold in over a boozy lunch. And when the lunch is over, all of will be overly stuffed, emotionally exhausted, and can finally drop the paper thin smile we have been wearing for the last couple of hours and relax. I hate all of the forced bonhomie, and mandatory family togetherness, and how everybody hides anything that could possibly be disharmonious for the sake of having a pleasant and normal Christmas. It is loving exhausting, it is draining, and I am certain it is not healthy. And all of this is with my family, who I believe are relatively good, as opposed to many of the horrible people that many of you in this thread are related to. So I suppose my question is, how do those of you with awful awful parents/families deal with this time of year when it is socially mandated that you be cheerful, a close knit family group, and emotionally together? BrigadierSensible fucked around with this message at 10:43 on Dec 21, 2020 |
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 00:10
|
|
|
BrigadierSensible posted:So I suppose my question is, how do those of you with awful awful parents/families deal with this time of year when it is socially mandated that you be cheerful, a close knit family group, and emotionally together? I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents or siblings in 10 years. I started going to my best friends’ house on Christmas Day instead and spending the afternoon with them and their 3 kids, all of whom are actually nice good people who want me there.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 04:18
|
|
|
Picnic Princess posted:My mom and dad were forced to get married by my Catholic grandparents because no way their 18 year old daughter was having a baby out of wedlock! He's her drug dealer? Oh well, should have thought of that before getting knocked up for fun with your friends. I think I remember this story. I blame life before video games.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 04:32
|
|
|
BrigadierSensible posted:
I pulled a 'pro gamer move' and caught COVID two weeks before xmas.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 06:06
|
|
|
BrigadierSensible posted:
I loving hate people buying me socks. I try to remember to donate them, but it feels like an inconvenience. I've got a sock system- they're all the same. No mismatching, no sorting. The sock system shouldn't be disrupted! (I got a fresh pair the other day, I appreciate the sentiment but I would really rather not.)
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 09:52
|
|
|
I've never minded weird presents from relatives as long as I also get things I actually want. Hard to go wrong with chocolate. (...not that people don't manage. We once got a massive stack of Hershey's which I think we threw away.) Getting weird poo poo from people you're vaguely related to is half the fun. I hope, anyway.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 11:52
|
|
|
It's not the weird/random or even inexpensive poo poo that I object to. It's the obligation to give it to people I barely know. And the obligation to be performatively happy/grateful for receiving it back from people who barely know me. All the while being judged on the quality of both gift and performance. It all adds to the stress of making a "normal" Christmas.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 12:40
|
|
|
The Breakfast Sampler posted:I loving hate people buying me socks. I try to remember to donate them, but it feels like an inconvenience. Donate them. Charity shops constantly get donations of coats and handbags, they need things that are useful and somewhat perishable for poorer people like new socks, underwear, bras etc.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 14:24
|
|
|
Thanks for all the encouragement & kindness on the last page yall  I'm hoping things continue on the up and up, too (though talking myself out of "it's all going to go horribly wrong!" can be hard, haha).As for avoiding family on Christmas have you considered moving across the country and switching religions? Now I only have to buy presents for Ladytenant Dan and get to smoke weed and pet the cat all day. (Serious answer: Maybe try cutting down on the actual Christmas hours, bring your laptop or work stuff and make out like you just have SO MUCH TO DO and it just SUCKS to have to work on CHRISTMAS, as you return to your room to enjoy your holiday in peace). I'm the kind of guy who likes random weird poo poo gifted to me, though, I still treasure the time my cousin gave me a nice cast-iron casserole dish and actually like getting socks, as someone who hates buying socks
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 16:22
|
|
|
I like the idea of doing Christmas with my parents, but really it's just not feasible. Last time I did my dad "kicked me out" on xmas (again) I just took my luggage and hosed off to various friends' houses. Was a lot easier than when I was 17 and had to sleep in my car behind the library. Why did he kick me out, you ask? My mom had broken her shoulder, I was acting as her caretaker, and I wanted her to make her poorly trained and overprotective dachshund to get out of her chair when I had to touch her so I wouldn't get bitten. My dad also said if I hated the dog so much he'd just go out back and "take care of him". Dog just needed badly to be neutered and consistent training.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2020 19:04
|
|
|
Christmas has been complicated for me for ages. The last few years were easy because it was just my MIL who I needed to see and she rules so I'm sad we can't get together with her this year. My husband and I spent our first couple Christmases with his family because I was estranged from mine for a couple years. When I started talking to them again I would be at in-laws for the morning because there were still kids in his family but not mine, then go to my mom's for dinner. Then my husband and I started alternating dinners with each family each year when the kids got older and presents mattered less. Then for a few years I tried to convince my mom to join us at in-laws house during in-law year and she always refused and said she'd just go to a friend's instead. I could tell which times were just excuses because she loves to take and share photos from dinners where she was actually at one. No photos means she spent the evening alone. I later found out she just straight up hates my MIL over a dumb misreading of a letter 21 years ago that she refuses to listen to anyone explain to her how she was wrong about it. I tried for years to have a combined family Christmas. Never happened and never will happen. I get annoyed about it every year. My MIL always wanted it too, she'd let all her kids invite lonely friends and her door is open to virtually everybody. I hated telling her my mom didn't want to come over.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 03:41
|
|
|
Yeah Christmas can be bad if you're around the wrong people, and I also have some hangups about gift giving and receiving. Luckily I usually see my girlfriends parents and then mine (just one some years), and in each case it's not going to be more than about 5 people, all of whom I like (girlfriends parents are fine in small doses) I have deals with siblings to not get presents for each other, meaning a gift for the parents (usually negotiated in advance and something we actually want, to avoid buying useless poo poo that will never get used) is usually all that's needed. I guess I'm lucky now but younger me wasat the business end of some very bad gifts, tons of lovely, probing questions that feel like interrogations and even the occasional family drama
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 04:56
|
|
|
My enjoyment of Christmas has gone up each year for a while now. When I was younger it was hell, my father always had to turn winter break into a battle to take as much time away from my mom as possible....worse after he remarried and that bitch pushed him to take it farther. Ever since the year he suggested we stop exchanging gifts the stress level went way down, he was impossible to shop for and I know the one year I put the most thought into a big gift with my brother it just got tossed in a closet and was never touched. The last time I visited was also a few years before that and I haven't been back since, even though it meant never seeing some pets again before they died. Now I actually look forward to it, this year especially since it has added some normalcy with various traditions (and how much my cats love this goddamn tree). Also a huge factor: not having to worry about how I'm going to afford gifts anymore. Christmas when you're poor really blows when you're in an incredibly materialistic family who expect gifts no matter what.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 05:16
|
|
|
Also on gift poo poo, if I ever got what was deemed a bad gift, something my mom didn't like, she also held a grudge over that. I admit I'm not good at coming up with gifts for anyone, blame it on being on the spectrum or whatever, I intend well and I care but it's just one of those things I'm unbelievably incompetent at. My husband can attest. So one example was a big box of medium price range chocolates for her, maybe around 2005? She said nothing at the time. I'd say maybe 5 years or so later she brought it up saying I only got them so I could tell her she's fat. Which obviously I wasn't but she wouldn't believe me. It came up again over 10 years later, this time as something you'd buy your boss you hate so clearly I did it to show her how much I hated her. It just blew me away that something so innocuous could still be taken like that. In hindsight it's obvious she has serious projection and self esteem issues. And I know I can't fix it, and being subjected to it relentlessly was just so bad for my own feelings of self worth, especially as the primary target of the episodes.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 07:20
|
|
|
That passive-aggressive gift recieving is such bullshit, I'm sorry your mom pulls that on you (especially bringing poo poo up ten years later). Nothing will be the "right" gift for her and no matter what there will be some flaw for *her*, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a GOOD gift, yanno? I would've been delighted to get a box of choccos, and I think a lot of folks would be, too. I haven't ever gotten my own mom a Christmas gift that wasn't just paying for dinner, I'm honestly a bit scared to. Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 14:54 on Dec 22, 2020 |
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 14:32
|
|
|
For relatively normal people a box of chocolates is basically cheat codes for Christmas presents- if she holds a grudge over that, she was always looking to hold a grudge. These people don't have real positive relationships, besides expecting unconditional obedience and fawning. Grudges are their hobby.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 14:35
|
|
|
My dad texted asking for gift ideas for his grandson (our kid). I replied that I think he’d like some larger wooden blocks like ones I played with as a kid. An hour later he texts saying he’s ordered Magna Tiles on the recommendation of my stepsister.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 16:28
|
|
|
This is the first year in years and years that we aren't spending Christmas with my family. My mom was going to come and spend it here with us but upon learning that we'd be wearing masks and she'd have to sleep at a hotel she decided not to. Okay, fine. Honestly it makes the holiday infinitely easier with a toddler. No six hour drive. No making my kid sit in someone else's house with different rules and new people on an already hectic day. But all I loving hear is how she never sees her grandson (we've always had an open visit policy but once I started enforcing the you-have-to-give-us-a-days-notice rule she stopped visiting entirely). So, like I always loving do, I tried to compromise with a zoom call. I mean, the lady is loving dying and I (guess I) would like my son to be able to have even the most marginal relationship with at least one of my parents. My dad died before my little guy was born so that ship sailed. She informed me that zoom is just too impersonal, cold, and in her words "creepy." gently caress, Lady do you want to see this kid or not? Is it so bad to suck it the gently caress up and try. Last night was the first time I had an especially emotional outburst since I found out she's dying. I couldn't hold that poo poo in anymore. She's so callous then five minutes later is weeping to me about how she doesn't have a relationship with her grandkid. I hate this and as she gets worse it gets harder and harder. She turns the screws so hard and I just want to be able to have even some ephemeral closeness to her before she dies but it becomes more and more impossible every day. The weirdest part is that she doesn't have the capacity to understand that she's causing me distress. And I know this. And have known this since I was a little kid. So now I get to watch someone I can't help but love die while being guilt tripped by that person. I want to shout but at who? For what? Can't shout at her not only is she dying she has the emotional intelligence of a potato. She wouldn't even understand what I was saying. Bah.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 17:03
|
|
|
My mom is being passive aggressive as poo poo after I pointed out she drilled into me as a kid to not call anyone on the phone before 9 AM but she and my dad blew up my phone at 3:51 AM my time (5:51 AM theirs) for a non-urgent paypal issue
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 17:26
|
|
|
Literally A Person posted:This is the first year in years and years that we aren't spending Christmas with my family. My mom was going to come and spend it here with us but upon learning that we'd be wearing masks and she'd have to sleep at a hotel she decided not to. Okay, fine. Honestly it makes the holiday infinitely easier with a toddler. No six hour drive. No making my kid sit in someone else's house with different rules and new people on an already hectic day. But all I loving hear is how she never sees her grandson (we've always had an open visit policy but once I started enforcing the you-have-to-give-us-a-days-notice rule she stopped visiting entirely). So, like I always loving do, I tried to compromise with a zoom call. I mean, the lady is loving dying and I (guess I) would like my son to be able to have even the most marginal relationship with at least one of my parents. My dad died before my little guy was born so that ship sailed. She informed me that zoom is just too impersonal, cold, and in her words "creepy." gently caress, Lady do you want to see this kid or not? Is it so bad to suck it the gently caress up and try. This puzzles me all the drat time : both my parents are hosed up in somewhat different ways and yet I know I am a better, kinder more considerate person than then are. How??? How did I independently discover that it was better to be someone who listens politely to other people, who treats them with respect, as long as they aren't gross bigots. Im not here to toot my own horn, I just genuinely don't understand how I dodged their dumb bullet. Also: your ma is a monster and you can't fix her with kindness. It's like trying to convince a tone-deaf person music is lovely. They do not have the brain function to understand the point. They are broken.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 19:47
|
|
|
whydirt posted:My dad texted asking for gift ideas for his grandson (our kid). I replied that I think he’d like some larger wooden blocks like ones I played with as a kid. I understand your frustration! At the very least, magna tiles loving own. Assuming your kid is still the right age, they will love them. Not that that makes it ok for your dad to ask for your opinion, then ignore it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 20:12
|
|
|
I know the feeling of being told "I want a REAL relationship, so I'll ignore you on social media on purpose and always resent you for it" all too well. Don't be surprised if you find out later that your mother has no problem with communicating via Zoom with other people, either. Mine is like that. It hurt a lot to see her react to other relative's posts daily but never mine. Especially after admitting it was intentional.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 20:24
|
|
|
Picnic Princess posted:I know the feeling of being told "I want a REAL relationship, so I'll ignore you on social media on purpose and always resent you for it" all too well. Don't be surprised if you find out later that your mother has no problem with communicating via Zoom with other people, either. Mine is like that. It hurt a lot to see her react to other relative's posts daily but never mine. Especially after admitting it was intentional. I just can't wrap my drat head around it  Pookah posted:This puzzles me all the drat time : both my parents are hosed up in somewhat different ways and yet I know I am a better, kinder more considerate person than then are. Sadly my dumb brain thinks that everyone is deserving of love and kindness. Stupid loving brain.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 20:45
|
|
|
I hate it. But also am grateful I didn't end up like them. But it's exhausting because you just can't not be nice. It's a fuckin compulsion. Until you just have to cut contact. And then you feel guilty for the rest of your life.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 20:50
|
|
|
it isn’t just your parents who raise you
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 21:00
|
|
|
nishi koichi posted:it isn’t just your parents who raise you This. Plus, negative example is still an example. As a kid you have patgern recognition. If you see your parents doing something that makes you suffer you know thay suffering sucks, and that that particular act brings suffering around you. If you learn a minimum of empathy you dont want to do that to others.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 21:24
|
|
|
My partner has been trying to teach me the importance of the phrase "not my problem", especially w/r/t family. My brother's feelings are hurt because I don't want to do Christmas in person? Not my problem. My dad is having one of his many, many, many likely psychosomatic symptoms and he thinks he's dying yet again? Not my problem. Feeling guilty that my mom has no friends and no hobbies and basically nothing else except me in her life?? Not my loving problem baby!!! They're adults and they're responsible to manage their own lives and emotions. I'm sick and tired of carrying around their stupid bullshit baggage. This is proving especially helpful for the upcoming holidays. I encourage everyone to give it a try next time they feel their guilt kick in. I'm treating it like CBT. Literally A Person posted:I just can't wrap my drat head around it You can offer love and kindness to your mother but if she doesn't want what you're willing to give her, that's not your problem!! You don't have to give her more to prove you're a good person! Just keep telling yourself that, curtail the guilt/shame/pain spiral. Remind yourself that you offered her a way to see her grandson but if she's upset because it's not exactly what she wants, it's not your problem!! You aren't keeping her from the little guy! She's an adult!!
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 21:37
|
|
|
Sisal Two-Step posted:You can offer love and kindness to your mother but if she doesn't want what you're willing to give her, that's not your problem!! You don't have to give her more to prove you're a good person! Just keep telling yourself that, curtail the guilt/shame/pain spiral. Remind yourself that you offered her a way to see her grandson but if she's upset because it's not exactly what she wants, it's not your problem!! You aren't keeping her from the little guy! She's an adult!! You're totally right. It's hard, and I think a lot of us around here realize this, to not try and take on everyone's unhappiness around you. There is something about having a strained relationship with your parent that I think makes us all susceptible to that kind of thinking and action.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 21:49
|
|
|
I also like "not my job to manage their emotions for them"
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 21:50
|
|
|
Picnic Princess posted:I also like "not my job to manage their emotions for them" As a child I was explicitly told this was, in fact, my job.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2020 22:16
|
|
|
Marketwatch takes on estranged parenthood (again) in their financial advice column.
|
|
#
?
Dec 23, 2020 07:28
|
|
|
Gable Oak posted:Marketwatch takes on estranged parenthood (again) in their financial advice column. Good comment here but also don’t read the comments because Boomers, against all better judgement, continue to exist. quote:Money is just that - cold, hard cash. It has a value, no more or less. What cannot be fully valued are things like unconditional love, emotional support, etc. Because I am an only child, I know people presumed I would inherit. But I knew I would not and did not want conditional money based on my “appropriate” behavior, judged by an overly critical mother from my earliest memories. My father died before my mother, which I knew would happen. I was estranged from her for years, if not decades. My inheritance went to my two children, with whom I have very loving relationships. My mother died angry and critical, as she lived. No thank you to that kind of control. Most do not understand why I stayed away. I do, and that is the bottom line. I am grateful to the few cousins who do not judge me.
|
|
#
?
Dec 23, 2020 09:17
|
|
|
This is the first xmas in seven years I've had even tangential contact with most of my family. It's not worth it, but after my paternal grandparents died, I don't have the heart to abandon my maternal grandparents. Even if the entire branch of the family is toxic. They still refuse to honor my x-mas requests or acknowledge the horrific things they've done, but they're started sending gifts of money. It feels like bribery. I think it is. I can't stand it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 23, 2020 11:21
|
|
|
Gable Oak posted:Marketwatch takes on estranged parenthood (again) in their financial advice column. "As parents, I believe we’re obligated to take the high road even if our children take the low one." gently caress off with framing this entire thing as if the parents have probably done nothing to deserve going to the extreme of completely cutting them off. There's a very brief "well even if you believe they're making it up, you could be wrong", but then a litany of reasons for the "child" acting this way (love that they keep referring to these adults as "child" throughout): They probably have a mental illness, their new spouse is to blame, or your ex-wife/husband "successfully poisoned them against you". Like I guess you get one whole point for vaguely mentioning that you're probably the rear end in a top hat if you pushed someone that far away from you, but that's more than canceled out by dedicating 10x more words to describing how it's any number of other people's faults instead and talking about how the entire article might be seen as "a giant excuse for a child’s hurtful and destructive behavior".
|
|
#
?
Dec 23, 2020 15:24
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 23, 2024 20:01 |
|
|
The intent of the article is good, but as the audience is likely “parent ignoring legitimate issues”, the author is circling around the heart of the matter as to not offend the audience. You can’t say “you were a poo poo parent, keep your kid in the will, you fucko”, it won’t play well. You need to butter them up as if they’re doing a noble thing instead of the bare minimum.
|
|
#
?
Dec 23, 2020 15:29
|
|
