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Taotipper
Nov 8, 2020

Buttchocks posted:

Wizards haven't discovered sex yet. They know of it in theory but are confounded by the mechanics. They reproduce by stealing muggle babies and making them into changelings.

The Weasleys know how to gently caress and you'll never convince me otherwise

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JethroMcB
Jan 23, 2004

We're normal now.
We love your family.
The wizard bust inside the witch and then he say "accio nut" and the nut comes back out

Kinda messy but you don't have no baby

Regalingualius
Jan 7, 2012

We gazed into the eyes of madness... And all we found was horny.




Fetus deletus

The Moon Monster
Dec 30, 2005

Taotipper posted:

The Weasleys know how to gently caress and you'll never convince me otherwise

Only from Arthur's years of "studying" muggles. Why do you think he's supposedly dedicated his life to them but barely knows how to operate a telephone?

Doctor Spaceman
Jul 6, 2010

"Everyone's entitled to their point of view, but that's seriously a weird one."

The Moon Monster posted:

Only from Arthur's years of "studying" muggles. Why do you think he's supposedly dedicated his life to them but barely knows how to operate a telephone?
God, what does he think a rubber duck is for?

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo
Snake Voldemort has a big tiddy goth gf and fucks all the goddam time

Thanks Jo

NikkolasKing
Apr 3, 2010



Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Snake Voldemort has a big tiddy goth gf and fucks all the goddam time

Thanks Jo

Yeah, I just ignore everything not in the 7 books. Voldemort having sex with anybody at any time is the most OOC thing ever.

Taotipper
Nov 8, 2020

Voldemort was slammin' rear end constantly before he was Voldemort, the Death Eaters were originally named the rear end Eaters and were just a sex cult THIS IS CANON

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003

Guy A. Person posted:

And again there’s so many opportunities to show that someone who is ambitious, resourceful and cunning might befriend/ally with/suck up to someone like Dumbledore (the headmaster and one of the most beloved wizards in the world), Harry (the most famous person in the wizard world who keeps having cool poo poo happen to him) or even Hermione (the smartest kid in the school who ends up being Minister of Magic).

I get having the Slytherins hate Harry in general and especially his own grade being dominated by Draco’s influence, but between the Tri-Wizard tournament in book 4, Harry being the only one teaching good DAtDA in book 5, Harry becoming super famous/girls crushing on him as the “Chosen One” in book 6 and then a war against a fascist dictator in book 7; well a few paragraphs with the occasional Slytherin wishing him luck or sucking up or hitting on him would go a long way. Like even in a group of people looking out for themselves, you’d think a handful would be like “living under a fascist dictatorship is not what I want for my own ambitions”

I want to expand on this because I am almost finished re-reading book 7 and holy smokes there are even more blatant instances of "and literally every Slytherin continued to never not be a Hitler follower" repeated throughout this last book. When they walk into the room of requirement and it's now a DA clubhouse, Slytherin is the only set of banners missing; when McGonagall evacuates the school literally every Slytherin leaves and none of them cheer when she announces Snape left; when Lucius Malfoy is talking to Voldermort, it's mentioned that the other Slytherin's* after evacuating actually joined Voldy, and maybe Draco didn't because he defected. At any point there could have been a throw away line about how even some of the Slytherin's had balked at the idea of torturing and chaining up their fellow classmates and even if they didn't join the resistance maybe actually acted hesistant or disturbed about this, and instead every opportunity is used to say "no Slytherin ever did anything but the evil option, every time".

* and I'm guessing Voldemort didn't do a head count to make sure every Slytherin who left the school joined him, but even the idea that a large amount of children immediately went to join the Nazis is a weird thing to throw in while never allowing the possibility for some of them to not be evil

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo
What's crazy to me is that the story, broadly, still works perfectly well if you remove the nazi part entirely. If you want to write a story about fighting racists, fine- but JK sucks at it, and like, she's pretty fuckin problematic. She goes "I never said Hermione wasn't black :smug:" but literally every black character has their blackness emphasized when they are introduced. Meanwhile she never mentions Seamus Finnegan's skin colour or hair style. I'm sure she'll tell you she is antiracist but ehhhhhh. See also: oh, a jewish kid? hmmmm Anthony Goldstein, Ravenclaw, a character I totally knew about this whole time.

Voldemort and his followers are motivated by being unable to accept death, and their villainy is that they'll use any means to extend their own lives. Meanwhile, Harry and his crew are willing to accept their mortality and even risk themselves to protect others. That's perfectly good for the twee boy wizard story. I don't need a terribly-written fascism story tacked on. If you take just the first book, the pureblood rants Malfoy goes off with can just be a class thing and I'm totally down for parodying the british class system. It takes on a whole different tone in two when he's screeching "heil hitler" at kids in the halls. Then he becomes the world's lamest bully before finally getting something resembling a character arc at the end.

The "Harry Potter and the Insidious Rise of Fascism" stuff is especially laughable because we know now that irl JK Rowling is absolutely on the side of the Fudges and Umbridges.

JethroMcB
Jan 23, 2004

We're normal now.
We love your family.
Do you think Voldemort had a weird sex surrogate thing going on with Bellatrix wherein he locked eyes with Nagini the whole time while imagining that he was sleeping with his old Asian Goth Girlfriend and not his current Normie Goth GF

Lemniscate Blue
Apr 21, 2006

Here we go again.
I have read precisely one (1) Harry Potter fanfic and it was a goddamn crazy ride that started off zany and light ("What if Gordon Ramsay taught at Hogwarts?") and veered sharply into "nobody gives a poo poo about the trio, here's what it was like for normal people in the Wizarding World under the heel of Wizard Nazis" and holy poo poo did it get dark.

Mycroft Holmes
Mar 26, 2010

by Azathoth

Lemniscate Blue posted:

I have read precisely one (1) Harry Potter fanfic and it was a goddamn crazy ride that started off zany and light ("What if Gordon Ramsay taught at Hogwarts?") and veered sharply into "nobody gives a poo poo about the trio, here's what it was like for normal people in the Wizarding World under the heel of Wizard Nazis" and holy poo poo did it get dark.

gonna need a link

Lemniscate Blue
Apr 21, 2006

Here we go again.

Mycroft Holmes posted:

gonna need a link

Knock yourself out.

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute

Guy A. Person posted:

I want to expand on this because I am almost finished re-reading book 7 and holy smokes there are even more blatant instances of "and literally every Slytherin continued to never not be a Hitler follower" repeated throughout this last book. When they walk into the room of requirement and it's now a DA clubhouse, Slytherin is the only set of banners missing; when McGonagall evacuates the school literally every Slytherin leaves and none of them cheer when she announces Snape left; when Lucius Malfoy is talking to Voldermort, it's mentioned that the other Slytherin's* after evacuating actually joined Voldy, and maybe Draco didn't because he defected. At any point there could have been a throw away line about how even some of the Slytherin's had balked at the idea of torturing and chaining up their fellow classmates and even if they didn't join the resistance maybe actually acted hesistant or disturbed about this, and instead every opportunity is used to say "no Slytherin ever did anything but the evil option, every time".

* and I'm guessing Voldemort didn't do a head count to make sure every Slytherin who left the school joined him, but even the idea that a large amount of children immediately went to join the Nazis is a weird thing to throw in while never allowing the possibility for some of them to not be evil

Right, Slytherin works if Malfoy is an outlier who, because of his privilege and former Wizard SS Officer father, is loudly spewing blood purity rhetoric that mostly just gets uncomfortable looks from his fellow house members. There also absolutely should have been an "ambitious" Slytherin student who tries to worm their way into Harry's good graces and ingratiates into the group, maybe even have an arc where they turn from fake friend who just wants the benefits of Harry's status to true friend. It would do a lot to humanize the house as a whole. But instead every single Slytherin - down to the last fresh faced eleven year old - is a nazi sympathizer and so their entire house is just the bad guys. Except Slughorn I guess who's more a noble bigot and does eventually come around to fighting Voldemort after all of his other options are exhausted.

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003

Yea it's just super weird because in the case of the adults it's like she's going out of her way to play up the existing "good" Slytherin: Slughorn helps Charlie Weasely recruit Hogsmeade residents to come fight then is one of the three dueling Voldemort at the end, Phineas Nigellus is all "don't forget Slytherin's contribution!", Kreacher describes Regulus as "defender of house elves" as he's stabbing death eaters in the legs, and of course Snape gets a whole redemption chapter and the entire Epilogue is basically about how Harry made peace with Snape and named his son after him.

It would have been so easy to include a one off sentence saying how some of the Slytherin students weren't totally cool with the open torture of other Hogwarts students, it's just conspicuously absent.

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017

When Crabbe and Goyle told Malfoy he's no longer in charge in book 7, it would've been way better if they quit because they couldn't stand Voldemort and his ideals, not double down on being wizard nazis and got killed for nothing.

Sydin posted:

There also absolutely should have been an "ambitious" Slytherin student who tries to worm their way into Harry's good graces and ingratiates into the group, maybe even have an arc where they turn from fake friend who just wants the benefits of Harry's status to true friend.

I think a slight problem with this idea is that Harry is kind of antisocial in general. He isn't rude to others, but he never goes out of his way to make friends either. Other than Ron and Hermione, we never really see Harry form close friends with others all that much. Ginny, Neville and Luna risked their lives fighting Death Eaters to help Harry rescue Sirius (and Harry saw Neville with his parents at one point) and even that's not enough to make Harry think that he should hang out with them more or include them in his plans.

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo
It’s extra funny bc Ginny, Neville, and Luna all hold their own in 5 vs the death eaters while Ron and Hermione get owned but in 6, when Neville and Luna are the only other DA members to actually answer the DA bat signal coin call and fight the death eaters again, Harry just thinks “fuckin nerds sitting around waiting for me.” And he totally shuts down the idea of Ginny going on his camping trip because he needs to “protect” her.

Hodgepodge
Jan 29, 2006
Probation
Can't post for 273 days!
tbf that does sound like accurate characterization of a kid who had his entire early childhood and every summer spent in more or less solitary confinement

Mistaken Identity
Oct 21, 2020

Hodgepodge posted:

tbf that does sound like accurate characterization of a kid who had his entire early childhood and every summer spent in more or less solitary confinement

And was also subconsciously groomed to be a child soldier.

JethroMcB
Jan 23, 2004

We're normal now.
We love your family.
This script made the 2020 Black List of best unproduced screenplays

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Name Change
Oct 9, 2005


JethroMcB posted:

This script made the 2020 Black List of best unproduced screenplays



Somebody saw Swiss Army Man and thought "I can recycle that and then find/replace for the person who actually wants to do it twice"

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005


Didn't that movie The Brother's Grimsby have a subplot about Daniel Radcliffe getting AIDS?

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

It’s extra funny bc Ginny, Neville, and Luna all hold their own in 5 vs the death eaters while Ron and Hermione get owned but in 6, when Neville and Luna are the only other DA members to actually answer the DA bat signal coin call and fight the death eaters again, Harry just thinks “fuckin nerds sitting around waiting for me.” And he totally shuts down the idea of Ginny going on his camping trip because he needs to “protect” her.

Considering that the reason Harry and Ron befriended Hermione was them facing a dangerous situation together back in book 1, it makes no sense for Harry to not treat them as close friends after book 5.

Harry's reason for wanting to "protect" Ginny was pretty stupid. He thought the Death Eaters might try and kidnap Ginny to get to him, but she would've been way safer going with them rather than risk getting captured en route to Hogwarts (which actually did happen). Also the fact that it's kind of well known to everyone that Harry has a massive hero complex, so he would've tried saving an ex-girlfriend anyway.

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003

Harry gets a huge complex about doing poo poo alone after about book 4 but Ron and Hermione are basically grandfathered in since they did all the poo poo with him in his first three years and were getting KOed by giant stone chess pieces and paralyzed by Basilisks basically their entire childhood right alongside him. Even then he tries to go on his Horcrux quest alone until Hermione gives the whole speech about mind-blasting her parents and sending them to Australia, at which point he's like "ohhh uhhh yeah I guess that's fine".

But yeah Harry just sucks at being a normal kid, his relationship with Cho is pretty awkward and embarrassing and his friendships are mostly built around who will do detective work with him. I don't think it's that he doesn't consider Luna and Neville friends, his mind-set is basically focused on 1. solving that year's mystery 2. winning at Quidditch 3. being pissed off at Snape and Malfoy, and as of books 5 and 6 remembering he is teenage boy with hormones and thinking about girls (even then, he has girls throwing themselves at him in books 4 and 6 and is basically just agitated by them instead of doing any dating)

Taotipper
Nov 8, 2020

It only looks like he's doing nothing because you're unfamiliar with standard English courtship rituals, which involve a lot of cowardice and whimpering

Lemniscate Blue
Apr 21, 2006

Here we go again.
Incidentally "Puffs: The Musical" kicks rear end as a comic deconstruction of the series and is on Amazon Prime for not too much.

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003

Taotipper posted:

It only looks like he's doing nothing because you're unfamiliar with standard English courtship rituals, which involve a lot of cowardice and whimpering

lmao, thank you for this

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.

Guy A. Person posted:

and as of books 5 and 6 remembering he is teenage boy with hormones and thinking about girls (even then, he has girls throwing themselves at him in books 4 and 6 and is basically just agitated by them instead of doing any dating)


Taotipper posted:

It only looks like he's doing nothing because you're unfamiliar with standard English courtship rituals, which involve a lot of cowardice and whimpering

this is all extremely accurate

the upper class english don't know how to have consensual sex

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute
Harry is hormonal in a weird, written by an older white woman way where he is extremely horny but only for one specific girl, and later for one other specific girl. He never really remarks much on any girls outside of Cho or Ginny. IIRC he's not even all that flustered by the Veela, compared to Ron who couldn't so much as think about Fleur without losing his composure.

josh04
Oct 19, 2008


"THE FLASH IS THE REASON
TO RACE TO THE THEATRES"

This title contains sponsored content.

Harry's married to his broom.

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003

Sydin posted:

Harry is hormonal in a weird, written by an older white woman way where he is extremely horny but only for one specific girl, and later for one other specific girl. He never really remarks much on any girls outside of Cho or Ginny. IIRC he's not even all that flustered by the Veela, compared to Ron who couldn't so much as think about Fleur without losing his composure.

Yeah this is a perfect way to describe it. He has a "butterflies-in-tummy" crush on Cho up until they actually date and it goes awkward then he stops thinking about girls entirely (despite being a 16 year old boy) until he gets a similar crush on Ginny

NikkolasKing
Apr 3, 2010



I don't think Harry's lack of hormones has anything to do with JK being old and white and a woman. It's a children's book, that explains it perfectly. There is no children's book on Earth that can talk about the kind of poo poo I was doing at 14 and 15. Unless children's literature has changed a lot in the last 10-15 years. Maybe it has.

As for Harry's remark about Luna and Neville, he knows they are both incredibly loyal but also incredibly lonely. That was the only point of his comment. Luna's end of Book 5 talk with Harry is all about how everyone thinks she's a freak. So Harry, living with Neville for 6 years and having had this heart-to-heart with Luna, understands the two of them found a home in the DA they never had before.

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute
The thing is though, Ron is written pretty on point for a straight teenage boy. As soon as he turns 14 he starts remarking on all the pretty girls while Harry rolls his eyes, is absolutely gobsmacked by Hermione dolling up for the Yule Ball whereas Harry's response is "huh that's neat I guess", and while he has an obvious developing crush on Hermione that doesn't stop him from eagerly jumping into a relationship with the first pretty girl to give him the time of day in Lavender while Harry thinks pretty girls who are not his crush chatting him up are an annoyance.

So you're right in the sense that Rowling could have written Harry more realistically, but didn't I guess?

NikkolasKing
Apr 3, 2010



Sydin posted:

The thing is though, Ron is written pretty on point for a straight teenage boy. As soon as he turns 14 he starts remarking on all the pretty girls while Harry rolls his eyes, is absolutely gobsmacked by Hermione dolling up for the Yule Ball whereas Harry's response is "huh that's neat I guess", and while he has an obvious developing crush on Hermione that doesn't stop him from eagerly jumping into a relationship with the first pretty girl to give him the time of day in Lavender while Harry thinks pretty girls who are not his crush chatting him up are an annoyance.

So you're right in the sense that Rowling could have written Harry more realistically, but didn't I guess?

Well how much of that is the very explicit dichotomy since Book 1 of Harry as a saint and Ron as a normal dude?

Harry when he saw his heart's desire only saw his family or later the way to defeat Voldemort. Ron saw himself as the best Hogwarts student ever. Ron is possessed by all sorts of flaws - jealousy, a hunger for glory and Lust could be one of them.

Harry is a very Christian ideal of a hero. He only really loses it in Book 5 when he has a huge ego and anger problem but even though it's not explicitly stated, most view that as the result of Voldemort contaminating him. He is decidedly better in Book 6, after all. But he is always presented as self-sacrificing, not ambitious or power hungry. and his central driving principle is Love.

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003

Yeah Harry doesn't have to be leaving crusty socks around Gryffindor tower for Dobby to find, but when every girl in school is flirting with him in book 6 he's like "uggghhh gently caress OFF so I can stalk Malfoy, I wonder when my next meeting with Dumbledore is"

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another spring commute

Guy A. Person posted:

Yeah Harry doesn't have to be leaving crusty socks around Gryffindor tower for Dobby to find, but when every girl in school is flirting with him in book 6 he's like "uggghhh gently caress OFF so I can stalk Malfoy, I wonder when my next meeting with Dumbledore is"

Yeah, this is what I'm getting at I guess. Harry is basically asexual outside of two instances where he's into one specific girl for plot reasons.

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017

by sebmojo
You’re all also ignoring how much his internal monologue harps on about all the cute boys. Compare how he describes Cho “pretty, tummy feelings” to his detailed and glowing descriptions of Sirius or Cedric or Young Riddle.

If Dumbledore was gay all along it would have been cute if they bonded over Harry coming out

Taotipper
Nov 8, 2020

NikkolasKing posted:

I don't think Harry's lack of hormones has anything to do with JK being old and white and a woman. It's a children's book, that explains it perfectly. There is no children's book on Earth that can talk about the kind of poo poo I was doing at 14 and 15. Unless children's literature has changed a lot in the last 10-15 years. Maybe it has.

As for Harry's remark about Luna and Neville, he knows they are both incredibly loyal but also incredibly lonely. That was the only point of his comment. Luna's end of Book 5 talk with Harry is all about how everyone thinks she's a freak. So Harry, living with Neville for 6 years and having had this heart-to-heart with Luna, understands the two of them found a home in the DA they never had before.

Books 4-6 are YA fiction, commenters are just saying that he's pretty unusually written for a YA protagonist

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Zesty
Jan 17, 2012

The Great Twist

Sydin posted:

Harry is hormonal in a weird, written by an older white woman way where he is extremely horny but only for one specific girl, and later for one other specific girl. He never really remarks much on any girls outside of Cho or Ginny. IIRC he's not even all that flustered by the Veela, compared to Ron who couldn't so much as think about Fleur without losing his composure.

Besides the time he almost jumped to his death?

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