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110 posted:I'm 30 now, and when I think back to my childhood, what I remember most clearly out of anything else is sitting in my room, hearing her come home, turning off my television and sitting very still, trying to listen for every sound to try to gauge what kind of mood she was in and whether it sounded at all like she was coming towards my room. And I would just sit there like that, I'm not sure for how long it would usually be but it always seemed like forever, until she retired to her room or sat down in the living room and turned on the TV. To this day I still get a little anxious if I hear movement outside my door. I'm 30 now and I still do this. I'm always racing to figure out what I could have done wrong when she talks to me.
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Jan 5, 2021 16:39
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110 i could have written almost that entire post, it’s loving scary
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Jan 5, 2021 16:44
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Yesterday I figured out why I try to desperately placate my wife if she gets the least bit frustrated, even though she's insanely cool and nice and doesn't blame things I have no control over on me. I'm sure you can all figure it out, but it was a genuine surprise to me that there was even anything to figure out, and then everything just sort of fell into place. My dad killed himself in 2008, but before that I made a practice of only calling my mom when he wouldn't be home. I didn't even notice I had a pattern until the last few days when I kept asking for assurance that I had made all the correct decisions and that anything wrong was therefore beyond my control and that I was still sorry that she was let down/frustrated/not as happy as she could be. It was shocking to me to realize that I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and that it wasn't normal. There was never any physical abuse, but the amount of sudden, unpredictability rage made it appear that there could be, if that makes any sense. There's still a hole in the wall from where it was punched. Sorry, this post is all kinds of disjointed as I'm kind of still processing as I type, and I'm not going to go back and revise for clarity.
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Jan 5, 2021 16:59
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Facebook Aunt posted:He has apologised and claimed it was all a bit, the child had plenty of pistachios to eat and was not hungry. gently caress off with that mr roderick also was the other crap that got dug up a bit alsoooooo
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Jan 5, 2021 17:00
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I did four combat tours, one of which was deemed my unit's "bloodiest period of fighting since Vietnam", and I have more anxiety from being a kid than I do over anything I ever saw or felt overseas. it makes me really roll my eyes whenever I hear someone talk about mental health as if it's something particular to veterans, because there's plenty of relatively "normal" experiences that people have that can be just as stressful as combat. the thing is, being hit wasn't really all that bad. I wrestled and played hockey, I got hit a lot harder in the face just for fun. the bad part was always being on edge because you never knew when it was going to happen. and when you're a kid you naturally just want your parents to be happy and you want their approval, which makes me think that the abuse could have been just as damaging even if it had never actually been physical. I'm waiting for my first child to be born any day now, so I'm reflecting a lot on this. it's made me think that, as far as negative reinforcement goes (which I think probably is appropriate at times, even if some people over-emphasize it or execute it poorly), in most situations that call for that it will probably suffice to just calmly tell my son that he's disappointed me.
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Jan 5, 2021 17:06
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Beachcomber posted:Yesterday I figured out why I try to desperately placate my wife if she gets the least bit frustrated, even though she's insanely cool and nice and doesn't blame things I have no control over on me. I did this with my ex for years. I've finally done enough therapy to catch myself before I do it, but I still have the impulse. I try and cut myself a little slack on stuff like that because having loving, non abusive relationships as an adult is a big win over my dirtbag parents. They're going to die alone and miserable and broke brained and I get to have a life.
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Jan 5, 2021 17:31
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ElHuevoGrande posted:I did this with my ex for years. I've finally done enough therapy to catch myself before I do it, but I still have the impulse. I try and cut myself a little slack on stuff like that because having loving, non abusive relationships as an adult is a big win over my dirtbag parents. They're going to die alone and miserable and broke brained and I get to have a life. yup.
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Jan 5, 2021 17:56
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I realized this month that extreme panic attacks - 10+ minutes of hyperventilating followed by 10+ minutes of laying on the ground barely even breathing at all, twitching and half catatonic - aren't something that just happen if you cry too hard. Happened regularly as a kid. Had two this past month. Not a good time.
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Jan 5, 2021 19:50
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Most of the time, wanting to reconnect is code for wanting to re-establish dominance or control over.
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Jan 5, 2021 19:59
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My first bunch of conscious memories are all abuse because I guess my brain was all Woah that's hosed up might want to record this
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Jan 5, 2021 20:00
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Miss Broccoli posted:gently caress off with that mr roderick also was the other crap that got dug up a bit alsoooooo Oh, but that was ironic anti-Semitism and Racism. We all know he's an ally to everyone, and shame on us for suspecting he might not be a good guy after all! One of the parts that pisses me off so much is that he keeps insisting that his friends and fans know he's a good father and not racist, so why can't the rest of us believe that? Oh, you mean that people inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt, gave you the benefit of the doubt? Well, silly me!
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Jan 5, 2021 20:33
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My favorite part is him insisting he didn't mean the language to be abusive while also saying he plays an rear end in a top hat father as a bit.
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Jan 5, 2021 20:34
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Beachcomber posted:It was shocking to me to realize that I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and that it wasn't normal. There was never any physical abuse, but the amount of sudden, unpredictability rage made it appear that there could be, if that makes any sense. There's still a hole in the wall from where it was punched. e: And also, the constantly asking my husband if he was angry even when he wasn't angry, and feeling like a bad person when my son is angry. Just ... not dealing with anger well.
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Jan 5, 2021 20:38
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Arsenic Lupin posted:Jesus, that hit home. Same. It was only when my dad was a rage; I used to literally hide under the grand piano. Most of the time I wasn't afraid of him. But there were times when he was angry and was striding around the house looking for things to be angry about, and holy poo poo I did not want to be one of them. No physical abuse, fwiw. and then feeling bad when i’m angry, because i don’t know what to do with it and holy poo poo yeah the stomping around trying to find something to be angry at. and screaming at me for an hour, leaving to go into another room to think of more to get angry about and coming back to scream again. over and loving over. all night.
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Jan 5, 2021 20:58
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You guys are all awesome, by the way. Sorry you've all had to put up with poo poo from the people who are supposed to protect you and love you. All of you are such a help during a lovely time and although it's embarrassing to admit I really appreciate this thread and you goons. So there.
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Jan 5, 2021 23:24
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Jan 6, 2021 00:26
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Does anyone else deal with weirdly feeling more anger or frustration towards your passive/enabling parent than towards the problem parent? I don't know what to do with that feeling sometimes.
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Jan 6, 2021 03:37
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My parents are both submissive people. Go ask your mother, go ask your father, go ask your.. oh wait. 
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Jan 6, 2021 04:00
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I didn't even realize I belonged in this thread until the last page. Thanks, guys.
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Jan 6, 2021 04:59
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You are all wonderful and supportive and nice people and I hope you get everything your hearts desire in 2021. It's been nice knowing I'm not alone and all. 
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Jan 6, 2021 07:01
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Picnic Princess posted:I realized this month that extreme panic attacks - 10+ minutes of hyperventilating followed by 10+ minutes of laying on the ground barely even breathing at all, twitching and half catatonic - aren't something that just happen if you cry too hard. Happened regularly as a kid. Had two this past month. Not a good time. oh hey panic attacks are super cool and good and I love not being able to breathe or move or think properly and having my entire brain drug into an absolute worst case scenario that I can't even figure out the cause of until it's subsided enough for my actual conscious thoughts to work again super cool. just my favorite. the one thing I've learned though is sometimes the only cure for a panic attack is a panic attack. if I fight them they just come back worse ten minutes later when I thought I'd forced my brain back to normal.
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Jan 6, 2021 07:32
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Poo In An Alleyway posted:Ah yes, pistachios, a handy substitute for a nutritious meal and loving sane parents. gently caress off John.
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Jan 6, 2021 08:44
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kissekatt posted:To be fair, a tin of baked beans is hardly "a nutritious meal". Everything about the story is just layers of shittiness. beans are pretty good for you. protein, fiber, lots of minerals. only bad thing to say about them is that a lot of brands put a lot of sugar and salt in the sauce, but that should be fine for a kid.
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Jan 6, 2021 08:51
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110 posted:beans are pretty good for you. protein, fiber, lots of minerals. only bad thing to say about them is that a lot of brands put a lot of sugar and salt in the sauce, but that should be fine for a kid.
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Jan 6, 2021 09:03
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What pisses me off the most about bean dad, (apart from his racism and anti semitism), is that he took a situation that could have been solved in 2 minutes, (get up, show your daughter how to use a can opener, pour the beans in a bowl, and go back to your puzzle), but instead turned it into a "teaching moment" where he expected a hungry 9 year old to be able to figure out mechanical engineering, then smugly patted himself on the back about how cleverer than her he was, let her suffer, and finally posted it on the internet with a pretentious story about how great HE was. Seriously, you want to teach your daughter how to use a can opener, bloody well teach her. It's not a big deal. Instead of being all smug about looking at the pieces of the machine and figuring out what to do with them. And then making this story of a hungry little girl being ignored by her dad all about you and how great and clever you are?
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Jan 6, 2021 09:24
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There's a part in Bean Dad where the little girl starts to go hypoglycemic (spelling? mods??), literally saying "my brain is fuzzy and I can't think good" and he loving tells her to "think with her hands", objectively a dumb and dangerous thing. If this girl decides to work an assembly line or heavy machinery or something she might think pressing forward is better than taking a break or eating a snack and end up injuring someone. It makes me want to punch the dude. It's hard enough being food insecure in college and poo poo but purposefully telling your daughter this is normal is cruel. Also loving pistachios is not lunch Also, baked beans are loving delicious, Bean Dad has tainted them for me. Baked beans on toast or rice is pretty tasty
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Jan 6, 2021 15:16
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BrigadierSensible posted:Seriously, you want to teach your daughter how to use a can opener, bloody well teach her. It's not a big deal. Instead of being all smug about looking at the pieces of the machine and figuring out what to do with them. And then making this story of a hungry little girl being ignored by her dad all about you and how great and clever you are? This, a thousand times. I vaguely remember teaching my son to use a can opener(it’s been many years), and naturally, he was all excited to do grown-up type stuff. I opened a can, then let him open one, and that was it. The only real parental thing was the rule where he had to do it over the sink because kids and fine motor control are often strangers.
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Jan 6, 2021 15:17
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I didn't think (my dad's can opener treatment) was bad parenting, but hmmm. I grew up with a janky old camping can opener. This one https://www.amazon.com/Chef-Craft-B...738177674&psc=1 I didn't know it wasn't standard. My dad's buddy from 3 states away visited. He is a trash collector, and lives in a trailer. He said "what the hell, you guys live in this big fancy house and your dad won't even get a decent can opener?" Epitope fucked around with this message at 19:47 on Jan 6, 2021 |
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Jan 6, 2021 15:30
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kissekatt posted:Regular beans are good, but in my (Swedish) experience at least baked beans tend to be very diluted and sugary/carby. Maybe there are national differences? Looking at one, admittedly cheap, brand now and a 420 g tin contains roughly 360 kcal, 59 g of carbs, 16 g of protein, 5 g of salt and a decent amount of fiber at 15 g. Not the worst thing you can eat, but going by macronutrients pistachios are probably better for you if you manage to feel sated on them and don't overeat. Once in a blue moon I’ll see baked beans from the states which is usually more BBQy/brown sugar (kind of like mörksirap?) than the Swedish ones which are usually like the British ones, more tomato. Regardless of origin, it’s ok for a meal for a kid in a pinch but like, if your child is dealing with low blood sugar and doesn’t know how to use a can opener, and is clearly in need of assistance for fucks sake loving help your kid. Have your learning experience when she isn’t about to faint. gently caress!
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Jan 6, 2021 15:39
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It's the extremely boomer attitude assuming children learn by osmosis, and don't actually need to have things given the most basic explanation or even clear demonstration to learn them.
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Jan 6, 2021 15:57
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Epitope posted:I didn't think it was bad parenting, but hmmm. I grew up with a janky old camping can opener. This one It's not often I read this thread and get a good laugh.
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Jan 6, 2021 16:00
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Ghost Leviathan posted:It's the extremely boomer attitude assuming children learn by osmosis, and don't actually need to have things given the most basic explanation or even clear demonstration to learn them. 'Maybe if I shout 'just figure it out' multiple times at my child they'll learn through terror instead of education. Better test this theory, then test it again and again and wonder why it's not working. Why isn't this working? It must be the child's fault, I'll scream louder and more aggressively, that'll definitely work!'
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Jan 6, 2021 16:27
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Lieutenant Dan posted:There's a part in Bean Dad where the little girl starts to go hypoglycemic (spelling? mods??), literally saying "my brain is fuzzy and I can't think good" and he loving tells her to "think with her hands", objectively a dumb and dangerous thing. If this girl decides to work an assembly line or heavy machinery or something she might think pressing forward is better than taking a break or eating a snack and end up injuring someone. It makes me want to punch the dude. It's hard enough being food insecure in college and poo poo but purposefully telling your daughter this is normal is cruel. Also loving pistachios is not lunch My favourite part is when he bragged about it, as though he imparted some sage-like wisdom that would serve her well in the future.
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Jan 6, 2021 17:11
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Hot take: If it had been 1 hour instead of 6, I'd go "yeah, that's a great lesson in persistence"
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Jan 6, 2021 18:03
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This whole bean dad thing reminded me of how I'd never call my father for directions when first learning to drive. This was a little before GPS, so I'd usually look something up on MAPQUEST. Sometimes I'd miss a turn or two, even if going someplace kinda familiar, and then I'd need help. If I called my dad I'd get berated for several minutes first "You've seen me drive there so many times" "You KNOW it's west, just go west" etc. This actually lead to my first and only significant traffic accident because I went in circles for like 15 minutes trying to find this turn I knew was nearby. Then I finally found it from the opposite direction of travel I normally take. I made a left across a few lanes of traffic at a green light without giving enough time because I was super anxious and just glad to have found my turn. I called my dad after the accident and he mainly made fun of me, like "its 5 minutes from home, you go here every week, why were you turning LEFT" He would do the same thing to my brother / mother. I remember calling like my college room mate between semesters, my girlfriend, my brother, random friends who might be at a computer and making them look directions up for me because I was terrified to call my dad and would only do it as an absolute last resort.
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Jan 6, 2021 18:33
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Epitope posted:I didn't think it was bad parenting, but hmmm. There are so many things wrong with what he did: -witholding food -using access to a meal as a reward -punishing himself as well as the child, so she becomes responsible for his hunger as well as her own -witholding knowledge on purpose -purposely frustrating his child (I would lose my little goddamn mind if my dad stood over me and offered "help" like "The can opener is pleasing but has no superfluous parts.") -letting her be frustrated for an unnecessary amount of time -making a growing child go without proper food for several hours on purpose -thinking that his daughter laughing a couple times over several hours means that this was a positive experience -turning a "teachable moment" into a punishment -being more concerned with his apocalypse fantasy scenario than the reality in front of him; i.e: deciding to "train" his daughter for an imaginary end of the world instead of feeding and teaching his daughter in the real goddamned world Edit: sorry, but like a lot of people on Twitter and here, I've been having flashbacks to things like being kicked for not knowing how to fix the vacuum cleaner and being slapped and yelled at because I can't remember how to thread the sewing machine. Haulin Oates fucked around with this message at 19:25 on Jan 6, 2021 |
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Jan 6, 2021 19:23
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My bad, I was talking about my own father. Bean dad is clearly way out of line And I also meant that the bean dad story is making me reflect, and wonder about things I hadn't realized might be less than great. That's one of the hard parts right, as a kid you have no frame of reference, you don't realize what is hosed up and what is normal. Epitope fucked around with this message at 19:32 on Jan 6, 2021 |
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Jan 6, 2021 19:27
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Epitope posted:My bad, I was talking about my own father. Bean dad is clearly way out of line Sorry, I didn't read your post very clearly, now I see you were joking about your dad.
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Jan 6, 2021 19:31
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Haulin Oates posted:Sorry, I didn't read your post very clearly, now I see you were joking about your dad. I think vague communication is one of my defence mechanisms 
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Jan 6, 2021 19:34
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Epitope posted:I think vague communication is one of my defence mechanisms And jumping to conclusions is one of mine! High five!
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Jan 6, 2021 19:45
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