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google THIS posted:Trying to catch a surreal killer google THIS posted:"That's him officer, the man with the apple covering his face." FactsAreUseless posted:Mystery On The Fireplace Express RickRogers posted:Murders all take place in strangely empty Spanish plazzas |
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Feb 28, 2021 17:37
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Send these prints we picked up from the lobster telephone down to forensics
https://giant.gfycat.com/FragrantGorgeousLeech.mp4 |
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Feb 28, 2021 17:46
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police powerless to solve the crime spree after a killer carefully writes 'this is not a murder victim' in french next to each of the bodies
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Feb 28, 2021 17:50
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"it's the damndest thing, folks" said the lead detective to his squad. "this is a photo of the corpse. forensics shows that it has been shot, strangled, poisoned, stabbed, sawn in half, bludgeoned by a lead pipe, and stung by a toxic jellyfish while 500 miles from the nearest ocean. and yet," he frowned, "somehow, this is not a murder." e: ^^^ 
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Feb 28, 2021 17:55
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"We believe the victim was pushed down some stairs." "Where is the body?" "Still falling." |
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Feb 28, 2021 18:21
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Determining the time of death has proven difficult because, I mean, just look at all the clocks. |
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Feb 28, 2021 18:40
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this police sketch is just terrible, like how does the suspect have eyes on the side of his face and what the gently caress is even going on with his nose?
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Feb 28, 2021 18:44
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Stoner Sloth posted:police powerless to solve the crime spree after a killer carefully writes 'this is not a murder victim' in french next to each of the bodies Manifisto posted:"it's the damndest thing, folks" said the lead detective to his squad. "this is a photo of the corpse. forensics shows that it has been shot, strangled, poisoned, stabbed, sawn in half, bludgeoned by a lead pipe, and stung by a toxic jellyfish while 500 miles from the nearest ocean. and yet," he frowned, "somehow, this is not a murder." lol
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Feb 28, 2021 18:45
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Officer: It took us all night, detective, but we think we've solved it. But, hey, don't let me spoil it for you, take a look for yourself. Detective: *nervous* ha ha ya totally...wow, great work ha ha who would have guessed it was them. Not me ha ha. Now maybe you could spoil it for me for fun, ha ha I'm just an audio learner or 
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Feb 28, 2021 18:55
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nut posted:Officer: It took us all night, detective, but we think we've solved it. But, hey, don't let me spoil it for you, take a look for yourself.
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Feb 28, 2021 18:59
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Chief, we intercepted a phone call that we think is the killer, but he's disguising his voice by whispering through a flute. |
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Feb 28, 2021 19:34
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"anything unusual about the body?" "well, she was filled with ants, and was arguably a pile of rocks on a cliff" "hmm. well, he has a type"
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Feb 28, 2021 20:16
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going undercover by elongating my left asscheek to such comic proportions that it necessetates a supporting cane, then draping a steak over it.
crimes |
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Feb 28, 2021 20:39
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"i'm getting too old for this poo poo," the grizzled detective grunts as he collapses into his chair, loosening his tie. "when i started on the force things were impressionistic, i guess. you could solve the case if you could get enough perspective. but these days, the closer i look, the less things make sense!"
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Feb 28, 2021 22:07
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for the hundredth time, detective smith takes out the crime scene photo and pores over every detail. "it just doesn't make sense," he mutters. but this time, something clicks, and his eyes widen. "sarge, you've got to see this," he says urgently. "what is it, detective?" with a trembling hand, smith grabs the photo and flips it upside down. "do you see it?" he breathes. "maybe the victim was descending the staircase."
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Feb 28, 2021 22:18
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Homicide detective: Call Arson. This ain't my department Policeman: But he's not burnt, there's a knife in his back Detective: But look at this: 
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Feb 28, 2021 22:30
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lol should have known that one would already have been done twice |
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Feb 28, 2021 22:40
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yes, we found some moustache hairs at the crime scene, but they were found on the fourth dimensional plane of a hypercube so it turns out they might not actually be there yet. get me my typewriter that has all R keys so I can drop a quick note to the hyperbolic topologist on duty. Maybe he can make sense of this. Fake Edit: It turns out I contaminated the crime scene and now the chief is up my rear end. We gotta catch this guy before my blood pressure kills me. |
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Feb 28, 2021 22:42
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drat, his alibi checks out. The murder took place at a pond with three swans but he was at a pond with three elephants. |
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Feb 28, 2021 22:43
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the usual suspects line up looking like an animorph book cover
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Feb 28, 2021 22:44
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*holds up a floppy knife that has the consistency of a flaccid penis* i uh... I think I found the murder weapon
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Feb 28, 2021 23:44
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the killer wanted us to find this *holds up a half eaten baguette sticking out of an old boot* but what is he trying to tell us |
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Mar 1, 2021 01:08
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apparently he kept his victims in a petting zoo and dressed them up in one of those 2 man horse costumes and then let a fat man ride them across a moat filled with old VCRs. The woman in the front half of the costume made a break for it when the man in the back half tripped over a stack of gore vidal novels. She's in the next room giving her statement. would you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee? I think it's gonna be awhile. She just got to the part about the treehouse full of eels. |
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Mar 1, 2021 01:16
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Freeze! Put your hands in the air! Now put the hands growing out of your fingertips in the air! And the hands growing out of the fingertips of those hands! It's hands all the way up! |
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Mar 1, 2021 02:34
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they released a police sketch of the suspect but it just looks like a bunch of atoms floating in space.
crimes |
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Mar 1, 2021 04:03
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*Sat across from the killer in an intense tête-à-tête. He produces a work from my cubist period.* "If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?" |
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Mar 1, 2021 04:53
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it seems the killer transforms his victims into bugs, then stomps on them not our purview, that's kafkaesque killers - wait - he turns them into bugs, or they turn into bugs when he stomps on them. the latter would need to be directed to lynchian murders.
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Mar 1, 2021 04:57
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you know it's a dali when the murder is just a less good copy of a murder already done by vyes tanguy
crimes |
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Mar 1, 2021 05:30
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:you know it's a dali when the murder is just a less good copy of a murder already done by vyes tanguy  the shade
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Mar 1, 2021 05:45
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he wasn't even his family's first salvadore. and now his ghost lives in the shadow his ego cast upon the world. i do not envy the man, nor what he called success.
crimes |
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Mar 1, 2021 05:56
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Dammit we need leads! A fingerprint, some security footage, a backward-talking midget in a suit... anything! |
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Mar 1, 2021 14:34
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"what's in the box" "Mills, put the gun down" "cmon man what's in the loving box" "goddammit put the gun down" *opens box* *a duck wearing galoshes hops out of the box" |
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Mar 1, 2021 14:44
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ces't ne pas une knife *BLAM*
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Mar 1, 2021 17:38
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"can somebody get rid of these damned pink elephants screwing up my crime scene??? And someone sweep up all these ants and pomegranates!" Where's the body lieutenant? It's endlessly tessellating with itself chief and...ohhh now it's butterfly's or something. |
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Mar 1, 2021 17:57
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currently investigating a non-euclidean crime scene, not sure how to pick up the bullet casing that is simultaneously on and underneath the sidewalk??? |
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Mar 1, 2021 19:07
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grand jury indicts a ham sandwich, and that ham sandwich is actually the murderer
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Mar 1, 2021 19:15
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Mar 1, 2021 19:36
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im presented with a confession, instead of signing it i draw an elaborate sketch, thus making the paper more valuable than the financial value of all those crimes i absolutely just did.
crimes |
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Mar 1, 2021 20:06
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Bacon Taco posted:grand jury indicts a ham sandwich, and that ham sandwich is actually the murderer unrelated but do you sell bacon tacos and if so where can i buy one thank you |
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Mar 1, 2021 20:18
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 13:22 |
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detective: thanks ma'am, now could you explain what the perpetrator looked like? ma'am: the feeling of a crushing anxiety, a cd-rom full of pain inserted into my mouth, light, but shattered
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Mar 1, 2021 20:19
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