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Dirt Road Junglist posted:I know I'm not saying anything that's gone unsaid, but I do hope you can get somewhere that isn't a constant source of stress. (Yes, you said it's not every night etc, but I've also lived in places far past the point where I should have left because, geez, I dunno, it's not that bad...but I have a feeling, once you've been elsewhere, and your stress levels can ratchet down, you'll look back and wonder how you tolerated so much. I do.) Seconding this part; I didn't know how stressful living with my mom was making me until I moved out and gained five pounds in two weeks (i was quite underweight). I didn't realize how much issues my mom had until I was out of her house and could reflect on my life with her without any distractions. When you're stuck in a situation and you feel as though there's no end in sight you try to rationalize it to yourself so you're not *completely* miserable every day. You definitely have various steps you need to tackle before you're in a place where you can actually move out but starting on those will make you make you trust yourself and your abilities more and more.
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Mar 30, 2021 15:33
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i dropped out of college to move out of a toxic household and NO RAGRETS
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Mar 30, 2021 15:34
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quote:AITA for threatening to move out of my Mom's house
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Mar 31, 2021 12:53
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I don't see the big issue here. Mum does the right thing by allowing her daughter and her kids to stay with them when they need a place to stay. Woman does the right thing by moving out to avoid living with her arsehole sister and kids. The mum losing the rent money sucks, but she could ask the arsehole sister to pay, (probably not as much), to help out. Seeing as the mum is letting them stay. Going no contact with mum/step dad seems a little harsh, but given the family dynamic, there are probably a whole bunch of other reasons/incidents that are going unsaid.
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Apr 1, 2021 00:43
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I mean, she did warn her mom what would happen...sounds like mom ignored that or didn’t really think daughter would follow through and then got mad at daughter when she did follow through. No contact does seem kind of harsh but there’s a high likelihood that the mom really doesn’t have a clue. Meanwhile the daughter was being reasonable in moving out rather than trying to control the situation by telling her mother she couldn’t move other daughter into her own house. So mom lost income, oh well—again she was warned. It’s not like it happened out of the blue
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Apr 1, 2021 02:35
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BrigadierSensible posted:I don't see the big issue here. quote:Without realizing I was opening up a huge can of worms, I forwarded the video of George Floyd From the police point of view to my oldest (26) year old grand daughter. Being married to a retired police officer I just thought it was time we heard this perspective. I meant no harm in sending it just thought she might be interested. Well, I’ve now been told I can’t be in her life anymore because I obviously don’t respect her opinion and I have no right to try to sway her thinking. I have insulted her, hurt her and now she agrees with her mother that I can’t keep my mouth shut so I deserve to be abandoned. Granddaughter should have forwarded a video from the point of view of her mom and seen how much grandma wanted to debate about that.
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Apr 1, 2021 03:26
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trickybiscuits posted:A consistent theme in AITA (as in, the r/relationships thread sees it multiple time a week) is someone who mistreats a person on whom they are financially dependent and then goes all surprised Pikachu when that person withdraws financial support. quote:Bucket List, you are now toxic as you sent an email that they didn’t like. It’s all part of this stupid “cancel culture”. If you don’t like what I say, you’re cancelled from my life. It’s all wrapped up with the younger generation thinking they have it “hard”. Problem is, they have never experienced tough times. They believe if everything doesn’t go their way, it’s tragic. Us parents are left saying “what the …… happened?” I know I’m oversimplifying but that’s what it feels like. I would argue that what happened involving that is a little bit more than "tough times"
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Apr 1, 2021 03:31
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We've been through three recessions, several endless wars, 9/11, the Trump administration, and a pandemic. What the gently caress else needs to happen to us?
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Apr 1, 2021 13:35
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Selfish to the end, figuring they are the only generation to deal with tough times and discount today’s tough times. It’s not considered that their kids are affected by things they don’t even notice. If you complain or observe something, you “just” need to do exactly what they did when they were your age and suck it up buttercup
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Apr 1, 2021 13:43
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Pope Corky the IX posted:We've been through three recessions, several endless wars, 9/11, the Trump administration, and a pandemic. What the gently caress else needs to happen to us? an unspecified event which shows us the light of unconditional boomer worship and also voting straight-ticket Republican
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Apr 1, 2021 13:45
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i guess this question is for anyone but especially for people who have been physically abused. does anyone else wish they could have been killed by their abuser? how should i deal with that feeling, it’s complicated and incredibly difficult to even talk about. it’s like i wish i could have been sacrificed or something to put her away, and i’m so hosed up from everything years later that i feel like i’m better off not being around anymore
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Apr 1, 2021 13:54
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Pope Corky the IX posted:We've been through three recessions, several endless wars, 9/11, the Trump administration, and a pandemic. What the gently caress else needs to happen to us? I think they want a draft for a bigger and more pointless war, but they'll only get the zoomers if they do. So they're angry they didn't do it when they had the chance
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Apr 1, 2021 13:59
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nishi koichi posted:i guess this question is for anyone but especially for people who have been physically abused. does anyone else wish they could have been killed by their abuser? how should i deal with that feeling, it’s complicated and incredibly difficult to even talk about. it’s like i wish i could have been sacrificed or something to put her away, and i’m so hosed up from everything years later that i feel like i’m better off not being around anymore "Survivor's guilt" is often used to discuss people who live through things like war, mass shooter attacks, etc. but it's really a much wider spectrum that can apply to people who've recovered from addiction when friends haven't, abuse survivors who's abuser went on to harm others, etc. - you are not alone in these feelings of very profound despair. Survivor's guilt can be incredibly difficult to treat therapeutically because it's difficult to "ground" and things like CBT aren't generally effective until you're at a grounded state, plus people experiencing survivor's guilt have a hard time communicating about the feelings with therapists because it's beyond "normal" C-PTSD. https://ct.counseling.org/2019/06/relieving-the-heavy-burden-of-survivor-guilt/ quote:According to Glaser, survivor guilt is rooted in pain. She advises counselors to help clients realize that “guilt in any of its forms is not really productive” — either for clients, for those around them or for those who are gone. Please try to talk to a professional about these feelings if at all possible because they're heavier than a well-meaning group if internet randos can help with without possibly inadvertently making it worse. You are not irrecoverably broken, you do not deserve to be dead, and you can get relief from this pattern of thought but it is a road that takes time and a guiding hand you can trust.
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Apr 1, 2021 23:33
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i wish i knew what to say, thank you.
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Apr 2, 2021 04:06
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Pope Corky the IX posted:We've been through three recessions, several endless wars, 9/11, the Trump administration, and a pandemic. What the gently caress else needs to happen to us? Do not worry my friend, capitalism will never run dry of horrors and agonies it could inflict on you.
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Apr 2, 2021 07:05
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Pope Corky the IX posted:We've been through three recessions, several endless wars, 9/11, the Trump administration, and a pandemic. What the gently caress else needs to happen to us? The Greatest Generation went through the Great Depression and died en masse in WWII, and their children (Boomers) enjoyed unprecedented economic prosperity and unconcentrated wealth post-Gilded Age. This somehow makes Boomers experts on going through "tough times." Maybe the Gas Crisis? I dunno.
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Apr 2, 2021 18:10
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Yeah they basically got a golden age outside of the Vietnam conflict. I feel zero sympathy if I hear a boomer talk about tough times. Maybe stop using it as justification for staying in the workforce until you’re 75?
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Apr 2, 2021 18:28
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Arcella posted:The Greatest Generation went through the Great Depression and died en masse in WWII, and their children (Boomers) enjoyed unprecedented economic prosperity and unconcentrated wealth post-Gilded Age. This somehow makes Boomers experts on going through "tough times." Maybe the Gas Crisis? I dunno.
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Apr 2, 2021 19:25
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Arcella posted:The Greatest Generation went through the Great Depression and died en masse in WWII, and their children (Boomers) enjoyed unprecedented economic prosperity and unconcentrated wealth post-Gilded Age. This somehow makes Boomers experts on going through "tough times." Maybe the Gas Crisis? I dunno. Well, I think their constant existential threat was a nuclear holocaust, as well as Vietnam. Plenty of men dying and getting life long sicknesses (to say nothing of civilians in southeast asia) in the name of American empire. Much like today. But the hard times that I can mostly think of in their generation are: - Racism, which this woman obviously didn't suffer. - The AIDS crisis, and she didn't suffer because of that, either. But we get to suffer her generation's awful economic policies and overconsumption. We even have our own existential threat!
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Apr 4, 2021 22:43
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Hi everyone long time reader first time poster  So I tried talking to my parents about some stuff back in December (e.g. respect the boundaries I set) and they did not respond well so I went no contact. They showed up at my house in February to 'make sure I was alive' and my mom told me how she was having to drink herself to sleep because she was so sad I wasn't talking to her. Anyway, I tried talking to them again and reiterated my need for boundaries to be respected and was told "we were raised as methodists and believe 'honor your mother and father' and we feel disrespected. I'm not sure they're really interested in having a relationship built on mutual respect. Any advice?
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Apr 8, 2021 02:15
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster That's some textbook lovely parent NC reaction there. Show up unannounced. Guilt you for your NC decision hurting them. Do nothing to acknowledge or apologize for the thing that made you go NC in the first place. "Respect your Elders" means "Do not question me under any circumstances. I claim I tried to raise you to be a respectable adult, but I reserve the right to make your decisions for you anyway." Keep it up. That just means it's working.
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Apr 8, 2021 02:30
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster Move and don’t give them or anyone that knows them your new address.
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Apr 8, 2021 02:31
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster My parents raised me in a methodist church and never used it as a weapon, and would be horrified at this behavior. They are 100% trying to muscle back into your life.
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Apr 8, 2021 02:51
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster Been there in a very similar situation, right up to stating boundaries and my dad refusing, asserting “honor your father and mother,” etc. It was a big blow up about politics, but I was angry because my dad was pushing my buttons and then blaming me for getting angry and saying I’m too quick to anger (I wasn’t the first one to get angry and calmly asked many times for him to drop the subject, which was me not voting for who he wanted me to vote for). It was a whole thing. Not a lot of advice other than stick to your guns. Your boundaries are immovable walls regardless of what your parents do or say. If they approach the boundaries, give a polite reminder and if it persists, walk away from the situation. You can’t make them respect your boundaries but you can move your boundaries with you—walking away is still enforcing them. If there is or was a big blow up and you reconcile, also remember reconciliation doesn’t mean restoration. This means that when contact is restored with a person, for the relationship to continue or begin again, the same old poo poo doesn’t work for you and you don’t put up with it. If you get long text messages or emails or whatever, don’t engage, keep replies (if you reply at all) short and pointed, don’t get into a pissing match because that’s more than likely what they want you to do. All in all don’t play their game. Your boundaries are your boundaries and they are worthy of respect as are you. More than likely, though, I hate to say it—but parents like yours and mine will never fully see us, their adult children, as anything but their children who need to be guided, and they react to pushback much like they did when we were kids. I’m still a rebellious teenager to my dad, despite the fact I have two kids of my own and my dad only ever knew how to yell at and lecture his one child. That probably isn’t gonna change and I wouldn’t expect it to if I were you. They probably won’t ever truly realize that honor goes both ways and they shouldn’t be treating their kids this way. You have to decide if you can accept and deal with that in the maintenance of a relationship, or just cast the relationship aside and say gently caress it if they can’t adhere to your boundaries. You teach people how to treat you and if they can’t be taught, they gone.
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Apr 8, 2021 02:56
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster Buy your mom a nice bottle of wine and tell them you're going back to no contact.
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Apr 8, 2021 03:12
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster The sentence that comes after that "honor thy parents" is "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." Feel free to call them out on their selective religious beliefs, or to stop calling them entirely. ben shapino posted:Buy your mom a nice bottle of wine and tell them you're going back to no contact. I like your style.
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Apr 8, 2021 03:46
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ohnobugs posted:The sentence that comes after that "honor thy parents" is "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." Feel free to call them out on their selective religious beliefs, or to stop calling them entirely. Yeah this. It’s something my dad in all his self-described theological knowledge, never seems to understand. Why understand that when you can provoke your kids to anger and then gaslight the gently caress out of them? My dad’s fervor about eschatology dumps fuel on this fire because now I can’t even tell him I got vaccinated against Covid
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Apr 8, 2021 03:52
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life is killing me posted:eschatology Run. Run away.
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Apr 8, 2021 04:11
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ohnobugs posted:Run. Run away. Yeah every point you make is gonna no only be ignored but also wedged into a pre-existing framework of ways third parties have corrupted you. Your agency will never ever be respected, it's time to cut bait.
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Apr 8, 2021 04:22
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Because I took a theology course run by a Jesuit, and because I'm very very immature, I quote the bible back at these types and start yelling that they're heretics and/or apostates. It's amazing how rarely they actually sit down to read the bible, and are thusly very easy to troll this way. Don't do that though. I used to snipe back at my mom and as satisfying as it was in the moment, not taking her calls at all is ten times better.
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Apr 8, 2021 04:29
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Yeah, the Bible exists to these people as a list of ways they can say they're right, and that's it.
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Apr 8, 2021 04:41
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Tell your parents to gently caress directly off and then never talk to them or see them ever again as long as you live.
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Apr 8, 2021 08:34
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Also, if your mother has already tried "I have to drink myself to sleep every night" expect that to escalate. When I first cut contact with my family there was about a year of texts, voicemails, emails, etc from my sister telling me that my mother might have COPD, my niece may have broken her leg in an accident, my father may have had another heart attack, etc. I never ever responded, even though I badly wanted to reply "Why are you calling me instead of 911?" Eventually the constant barrage stopped, but my sister will still get drunk every few months and either be "I miss my brother, my kids miss their uncle, mom and dad miss their son" or "You're the worst brother/uncle/son in the world"
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Apr 8, 2021 12:50
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I feel like this thread would be the only place I know to really understand the sense of relief and completeness I got from hearing my dad say, not with malice but with reassurance: "I don't love you either, we don't have to do this." It was honestly a freeing kindness on his part, the opening of a door to escape a burning building. I hope he's OK in there but I'm not going back in to check.
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Apr 8, 2021 13:57
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Pope Corky the IX posted:Also, if your mother has already tried "I have to drink myself to sleep every night" expect that to escalate. When I first cut contact with my family there was about a year of texts, voicemails, emails, etc from my sister telling me that my mother might have COPD, my niece may have broken her leg in an accident, my father may have had another heart attack, etc. I never ever responded, even though I badly wanted to reply "Why are you calling me instead of 911?" Eventually the constant barrage stopped, but my sister will still get drunk every few months and either be "I miss my brother, my kids miss their uncle, mom and dad miss their son" or "You're the worst brother/uncle/son in the world" at this point my mom's occasional texts are just straight up "i should have gotten an abortion" and or "i am going to kill myself" still ain't responding
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Apr 8, 2021 18:14
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Light Gun Man posted:at this point my mom's occasional texts are just straight up "i should have gotten an abortion" and or "i am going to kill myself" block her
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Apr 8, 2021 18:21
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boar guy posted:block her yes. you don’t have to take this
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Apr 8, 2021 18:24
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Pope Corky the IX posted:Also, if your mother has already tried "I have to drink myself to sleep every night" expect that to escalate. When I first cut contact with my family there was about a year of texts, voicemails, emails, etc from my sister telling me that my mother might have COPD, my niece may have broken her leg in an accident, my father may have had another heart attack, etc. I never ever responded, even though I badly wanted to reply "Why are you calling me instead of 911?" Eventually the constant barrage stopped, but my sister will still get drunk every few months and either be "I miss my brother, my kids miss their uncle, mom and dad miss their son" or "You're the worst brother/uncle/son in the world" My stepfather faked a cancer scare when I cut him out of my life for how he was abusing my mom and straining the "functional" in being a functional alcoholic. Didn't work. Speaking of the same man, when he finally went to rehab and got dry, I got to hear second hand about how he was all apologetic for the poo poo he pulled on me and my mom growing up, but somehow despite that he's never actually managed to apologize for anything even once, even now that he's not being outright cut out anymore and I'm willing to visit my mom when he's there?
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Apr 8, 2021 19:02
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This comment has the usual level of delusion but there's also so much projection that the commenter is basically describing the situation in reverse: her daughter has moved on and the commenter has spent the past year-plus with this eating away at her and her life not so perfect as she wants to believe, as her other comments reveal. quote:They want the win, the upper hand, to feel as if they have conquered something, anything; but the cost is huge. They lost the family connection and more importantly our trust.
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Apr 8, 2021 20:40
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I was beaten as a kid for having an opinion, and you want me to turn around and respect yours, once I have agency? gently caress you. I love getting calm Hitler'd by my parents.
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Apr 8, 2021 21:27
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