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Clitch posted:I don't know where I heard it. Maybe here, but the saying goes: If you've lost an arm, and you meet someone who's lost both arms, you're still missing an arm. Even if you found it on a laffy taffy wrapper, that statement is going into the ol mental Rolodex. It explains something (unrelated) I couldn’t explain before
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# ? Apr 16, 2021 06:41 |
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# ? Apr 25, 2024 18:19 |
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Indeed. I often implore people to vent to me because I know it would be cathartic for them, but they usually just end up apologizing because they know I've had it worse. That they don't deserve to complain. And I keep arguing that no, your pain is completely valid too. It's not a competition. You and I both knew beforehand how lovely my life was and I still encouraged you to whine about your situation, so seriously, don't feel bad for bitching. It helps and I'm more than willing to listen.
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# ? Apr 16, 2021 07:35 |
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It's absolutely not a competition, bad poo poo happening to someone else doesn't mean it didn't happen to you, too! Anyone in this thread end up watching F is for Family? In the most recent season, the main character's abusive dad drops in by surprise, and the abuser puts on this super nice face to his grandkids, and the dad is going apoplectic because grandpa was an abusive shithead to him and is acting like nothing ever happened. Only at the end of the season do the kids realize what a "cycle of abuse" is and how lovely grandpa really is, and the dad realizes he's been unconciously adapting some of lovely grandpa's behaviors. It's a nice season.
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# ? Apr 16, 2021 12:04 |
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Rat Patrol posted:I've heard other people phrase it as a safety thing, if that helps. "We don't see them because they are not nice, and it is not safe to spend time with them." That way they get a sense that it's not just you avoiding the question, but also a matter of you looking out for them, too. This is the path I think I'm going to go down I think. Appreciate it. I'll let the thread know how it goes.
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# ? Apr 16, 2021 19:14 |
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Lieutenant Dan posted:It's absolutely not a competition, bad poo poo happening to someone else doesn't mean it didn't happen to you, too! This 1,000%.
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# ? Apr 16, 2021 19:53 |
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Lieutenant Dan posted:It's absolutely not a competition, bad poo poo happening to someone else doesn't mean it didn't happen to you, too!
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# ? Apr 16, 2021 21:10 |
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Today I probably went into more detail on my childhood with my dad than any psychiatrist really wants to hear. This was after going over it with my counselor the past year. Thanks, Dad
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# ? Apr 17, 2021 01:59 |
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I am so scared to call/text/or even see my family members post on social media right now. I grew up near where Daunte Wright was murdered and I can not even fathom hearing my family members' hot takes on it. I heard enough about George Floyd from them last year and it makes me sick. I have had friends text me asking if my family is OK and I don't know how to respond. I feel so sad and super loving mad right now, but also amazingly guilty I have not called my family who live near the "unrest" I have had some false starts on therapy a few times this past year but I get so guilted by how bad I would make some of my family members seem. I don't know what to do. I know I should value my mental health over my family and their bullshit but I feel guilty for telling anyone how awful they are. Bonus guilt - my relatives have been in and out of the hospital so they are super confused why I don't want to call to check in with them. They interpret my silence as me not caring, but I just can not mentally handle it. HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 03:47 on Apr 18, 2021 |
# ? Apr 18, 2021 03:37 |
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HungryMedusa posted:I have had some false starts on therapy a few times this past year but I get so guilted by how bad I would make some of my family members seem. Just remember that you are allowed to feel something, and if someone makes you feel lovely, then their behavior is not acceptable. I'm struggling with my own poo poo though. I'm realizing how much my family dynamic has broken me. I try to people please everyone in my life by avoiding conflict until I can't handle it anymore. Leaves me always wondering "am I the rear end in a top hat?" When I try push back on boundaries I should have established sooner.
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# ? Apr 18, 2021 15:03 |
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Pope Corky the IX posted:Anyone have that parent that actually enjoyed hearing about certain bad news in your life? One day when I was about 19, my mother called me while I was working at my part-time retail job. In the most sepulchral tones imaginable she said, "Drimble. [beat] Your father is in the hospital." Naturally I freak out and demand to know more, which she doles out in the slowest, most ghoulish way imaginable, till I get the whole story. Turns out my dad was out driving and got rear-ended; he had to go to the hospital to get checked out, and wound up with a neck injury/whiplash which was bad enough, certainly, but not the carnage or life-threatening emergency she had prepped me to expect. Later I was ranting to my sister about the overly dramatic, traumatizing way she had done this and she agreed that our mother absolutely relished the chance to drop a big dramabomb on her youngest kid. She didn't give a single gently caress about what it must have been like to get a phone call like that.
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# ? Apr 18, 2021 18:28 |
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An estranged parent just found out that their estranged son changed his last name and his children's last names to his wife's last name. This entire thread is just...something else. Posting the initial post and the OPs replies. (note: removed screennames but left in the site founder's name)quote:I have just been told by a relative that my ES has changed his family name and his children’s family name to that of his wife’s. quote:Thank you both, I feel like no one can understand what I am going through. quote:Thank you _____, you are right I felt constantly negated by DiL. We did our best to include her in the family but she seemed to go out of her way to reject our traditions in favour of her own like it was a powerplay. Time and time again my son would side with his wife as though he had no mind of his own. She was sweet to us until she had the first baby, and then she started calling all the shots. Far from being powerless, she has a powerful job and a mindset of controlling everything. It's crazy how so many of these people act like changing a last name is literally child abuse.
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 17:06 |
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oh, to be a fly on the wall in that law office
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 17:42 |
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This thing they did without telling me, in secrecy with people told not to tell me? It was to send me a message!
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 17:46 |
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My father lost his loving mind when I told him my ex-wife and I were hyphenating our last names rather than she taking mine. Joke’s on him though, I took my current spouse’s last name entirely when we got married.
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 17:49 |
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lmao at them talking about "children's rights" when they certainly allowed as little autonomy for their own children as they could
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 18:30 |
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What about the children’s rights to only have my family’s last name?
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 19:12 |
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progressive tacos posted:An estranged parent just found out that their estranged son changed his last name and his children's last names to his wife's last name. This entire thread is just...something else. Posting the initial post and the OPs replies. (note: removed screennames but left in the site founder's name) OP posted:Has anyone elses EC use family therapy as a way to gaslight and control you? OP posted:I’ve been reading so many posts on here and realising that I am at the beginning of a journey, that so many of you have taken and continue to take.
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 20:26 |
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God it’s all about him and his feelings. He hasn’t once asked why his son might do this; it’s all focused on his son being cold and uncaring and how that makes him feel. But, in addition to seemingly lacking the capability to ask themselves, “what if I’m wrong?” they also lack the capability to listen to their children when they are told why exactly all of this might be happening.
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 21:27 |
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progressive tacos posted:
life is killing me posted:God it’s all about him and his feelings. He hasn’t once asked why his son might do this; it’s all focused on his son being cold and uncaring and how that makes him feel. A recurring theme with estranged parents is like this total inability to understand that other people have their own independent emotions. Like, they'll say that they know this, but then their actions and words show that they genuinely think that everything their estranged children do is centered around them. Sure, they'll say that they understand it, but then they'll say something that shows that they literally cannot see anything but their own emotions. I also loved the line about "Time and time again my son would side with his wife as though he had no mind of his own." It's like dude, maybe he married this woman because HE AGREES WITH HER. Maybe she gets a say in your son's child's upbringing because SHE IS ALSO THAT CHILD'S PARENT AND THEREFORE HAS THE RIGHT TO. But nope, clearly his son is supposed to side unthinkingly with his father instead of with the woman he chose to spend his life with. Here's a comment by the same person in another conversation. quote:I had a similar experience. My ES collapsed at work and was taken for tests in an ambulance. A well meaning relative told me at the time, but what could I do? I called the likely hospitals in the area but they would not confirm if he was a patient. It was deeply traumatic.
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 21:39 |
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trickybiscuits posted:I looked up whether objecting to a name change is even a thing. It's something you can do, but the only possible grounds would be a parent/guardian objecting to the other parent/guardian changing the name of a minor child. That's it. This person literally thinks they are the parents of their son's children. In my case, I realized that I was surrounded by lovely people after meeting someone who wasn't, and I realized I could have a better life and better relationships than what I was forced into as a child. They have been so goddamn bitter about how I care more about my partner than my own family. Like yeah, no poo poo, I grew up and found a husband and he is the priority of my life, it's called being loving normal. Especially because he treats me like a human being worthy of dignity. Of course I'm going to be on "his side".
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# ? Apr 20, 2021 23:54 |
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So my parents don't chase me like the idiots posted here. I was afraid they would when I started a slow fade, but nope. Tortured me for years and years when I was under their control, are still very lovely when I have to see them, but other than that they seem to have accepted it. Didn't care enough to keep food in the house when we were kids back then, don't care that 4 out of 5 of their kids have largely ghosted them now. My mom would dig for intel on my siblings when I called, but stopping the calls has taken care of that. On the one hand, I'm intensely grateful that I don't have to deal with the usual estranged parent nonsense and have siblings that have my back, but on there other hand, kind of gross to get hard confirmation that they never cared about me and still don't. I'm not sure what I think about that.
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 00:56 |
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Something I have noticed in these recent ones, (and in ones from the past), that involve grandchildren. The Estranged Grandparents don't ever describe the grandchildren. We hear nothing about their personality, their wants, their needs, or stuff that they like etc. The grandkids are just things. Things that they feel a right to own and/or show off. So when the parents put the needs/wants/likes etc. of this grandchildren above the Grandparents entitlement to own them, they chuck a fit.
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 01:03 |
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"I want to reunite with the estranged grandfather who tried to take me away from my loving parents." - Nobody The Patriarch Delusion is powerful and real.
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 03:49 |
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BrigadierSensible posted:Something I have noticed in these recent ones, (and in ones from the past), that involve grandchildren. The parents forum also can't figure out its view on baby-sitting. Some people are livid when they're not allowed to basically raise a grandchild, some are resentful of feeling expected to babysit yet are somehow incapable of saying it won't work for them.
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 04:30 |
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I haven't followed this thread, but does the Meghan Markle/ Prince Harry saga match the estranged parents pattern?
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 06:01 |
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I would blow Dane Cook posted:I haven't followed this thread, but does the Meghan Markle/ Prince Harry saga match the estranged parents pattern? You want page 136.
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 06:18 |
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kissekatt posted:That parent is the same parent who posted this in February, which I thought we had discussed/mocked in this thread but I couldn't find it (I might have mixed it up with the r/relationships-thread): This is unbelievable. Every line is funnier than the one that came before it. Their list of outrages (son doesn't spend time with us after small infant he is responsible for keeping alive is introduced into his life, both son and the other person responsible for the helpless infant are 'picky' about how said infant is treated and handled) is so loving funny. Also the obvious jealousy that the wife prefers her own parents to these ding dongs. BrigadierSensible posted:Something I have noticed in these recent ones, (and in ones from the past), that involve grandchildren. quote:I am devastated that my ES would erase me and our family in this way, and deny his own children such a core part of their identity. Where are they children’s rights in all of this? Yet again they are being used as pawns.
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 19:56 |
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Lol that a core part of the kids' identities is supposed to be their grandfathers last name. Lmao
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# ? Apr 21, 2021 20:16 |
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Biplane posted:Lol that a core part of the kids' identities is supposed to be their grandfathers last name. Lmao A last name is a VERY BIG IMPORTANT THING that will carry massive significance for an individual and all of their progeny for multiple generations to come.* *Unless you're a vagina-haver. Then you have no rights to your own name.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 02:03 |
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Picnic Princess posted:In my case, I realized that I was surrounded by lovely people after meeting someone who wasn't, and I realized I could have a better life and better relationships than what I was forced into as a child.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 02:08 |
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Personally, I like the offense that their daughter in law likes her parents more than she likes them.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 03:08 |
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When the entire world is supposed to revolve around you(according to your broken brain), there's no amount of logic or sense that can justify people not making you the #1 thing in your life all the time.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 03:24 |
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April posted:A last name is a VERY BIG IMPORTANT THING that will carry massive significance for an individual and all of their progeny for multiple generations to come.* I really enjoyed the post where he talked about how he sat them both down and explained how important his last name was to him... as though the wife's last name wasn't important to her?
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 15:00 |
April posted:A last name is a VERY BIG IMPORTANT THING that will carry massive significance for an individual and all of their progeny for multiple generations to come.* My dad goes on about the last name thing too. Like dude, we have a very common Chinese surname. It's not going anywhere and nobody gives a gently caress about us or our name anyway.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:13 |
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Both mine and my ex's last names are extremely unique, and my son has both. I hope his children will end up with four, theirs with eight, etc.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:18 |
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Sisal Two-Step posted:I really enjoyed the post where he talked about how he sat them both down and explained how important his last name was to him... as though the wife's last name wasn't important to her? You see, a woman subsumes her identity within the man's when a hetero couple gets married. If she doesn't, she doesn't really love him, and if he takes her name - like a woman - it is just unnatural and wrong, because rabid internalized sexism seems to be a boomer parent requirement. Just like how your purpose as a woman is to pump out grandbabies for them and play nursemaid as they get older. They don't see it as important to her as it isn't (she isn't) important to them. Then they wonder why she doesn't like them.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:18 |
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It's the same kind of poo poo when it comes to the holidays. Anything fair or rational (alternate Thanksgiving every year, Christmas Eve with one family and Day with the other, etc) will immediately be seen as abandoning his own parents.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:22 |
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MY IMMORTALITY!!
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:24 |
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Biplane posted:Both mine and my ex's last names are extremely unique, and my son has both. I hope his children will end up with four, theirs with eight, etc. Dienes posted:You see, a woman subsumes her identity within the man's when a hetero couple gets married. If she doesn't, she doesn't really love him, and if he takes her name - like a woman - it is just unnatural and wrong, because rabid internalized sexism seems to be a boomer parent requirement. Just like how your purpose as a woman is to pump out grandbabies for them and play nursemaid as they get older. Oh this just reminded me of the (I think) r/relationships post about the woman who cut her entire birth family off as soon as she married her husband. He didn't ask her too, she wasn't super religious, she just... decided that she was part of her husband's family now and that meant never speaking to her original family ever again.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:25 |
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# ? Apr 25, 2024 18:19 |
Pope Corky the IX posted:It's the same kind of poo poo when it comes to the holidays. Anything fair or rational (alternate Thanksgiving every year, Christmas Eve with one family and Day with the other, etc) will immediately be seen as abandoning his own parents. My dad was big mad when I went to my GF's house for thanksgiving, after my mom said she wasn't doing it, and having announced this would be the case weeks in advance, and having extended an invite to both of them to it, which was swiftly declined. But since my mom changed her mind and decided to make a small meal for themselves that means I had to drop everything and be there instead, and the fact that I didn't mean my GF's family is now my "other family" and that I should get the gently caress out of this house. So I got the gently caress out of that house. And then my dad spends the next two months into trying to talk me out of doing what he literally demanded at the top of his lungs I do. $1400 a month in rent plus utilities is by far the lesser evil and no matter what problems arise from living in an apartment in Van Nuys, it's still better than that. He still says I should move back He's used to me having no friends or options on the holidays and was shocked when reality hit and that adults can't always be with their own families on every single holiday and that he can't have everything his own way.
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# ? Apr 22, 2021 16:37 |