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The story so far:quote:Before you stand two CTOs. One has a budget, but cannot make spending decisions. The other has social capital and decides the course but has no budget. They are enemies. quote:> start replying to people on linkedin quote:> send spike quote:Spike sent quote:Go north quote:Interviewing continues to be garbage. Your put your head in your hands. After resting comfortably and dreaming of Belize you decide to walk about. Getting up from your desk in the software engineering quality creativity cluster, you make your way north. Before you are three hallways in shining glass: > 
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Apr 19, 2021 18:17
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α
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Apr 19, 2021 18:38
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α to steal some nerd's lunch and / or lunch money
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Apr 19, 2021 18:48
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>go to the bathroom
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Apr 19, 2021 19:15
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Best Bi Geek Squid posted:α to steal some nerd's lunch and / or lunch money You make your way towards the break room, you have a hankering for some lunch and it ain't your own! On the way to the office kitchen you pass the bathroom, but you don't need that right? Stealing your terrible co-workers lunch is more important than bodily functions. In the kitchen is: An espresso machine no one can figure out how works, are parts missing? A hot water kettle covered in limescale, table with six chairs crammed in, a sink never, a microwave and your prize the fridge. >
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Apr 19, 2021 19:54
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Boiled Water posted:You make your way towards the break room, you have a hankering for some lunch and it ain't your own! On the way to the office kitchen you pass the bathroom, but you don't need that right? Stealing your terrible co-workers lunch is more important than bodily functions. put the kettle in the microwave for 15 minutes
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Apr 19, 2021 19:57
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find old fish in refrigerator and swap with kettle in the microwave
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Apr 19, 2021 20:12
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you're an engineer right? > try to fix coffee machine
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Apr 19, 2021 20:40
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mediaphage posted:find old fish in refrigerator and swap with kettle in the microwave put fish in the
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Apr 19, 2021 20:47
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mediaphage posted:find old fish in refrigerator and swap with kettle in the microwave 
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Apr 19, 2021 20:56
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Kettle of ... fish? Surely that saying comes from this exact situation. Now the real question is which fish. The fridge contains the following fish based items, ownership of your friends in the office (you do have friends in the office right? ):
The microwave of brand and make "Haier Electronics Ltd" can draw up to a maximum of 900W and is plugged into a standard socket with no ground. It has a variable setting for time, ranging from 0:30 to 10:00 minutes. The power settings are helpfully labeled: ☐, ⊙ and ✇. A number pad is also present, along with button labeled ⌧ and the ever helpful lever style door push open. The kettle is either unbranded or the name rubbed off. It has a power lead with the ground pin helpfully ripped out. It will effortlessly cook a liter of water to boiling within a couple of minutes. You must supply yourself tea bags or powdered coffee.
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Apr 19, 2021 22:02
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i miss haier the sa posters posts about fuckin randos in the china gbs thread they were v disgusting but very funny
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Apr 19, 2021 22:04
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> swordfish in kettle, kettle in microwave. 15 minutes
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Apr 19, 2021 22:17
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no dont! > empty swordfish in kettle > put water in kettle (2c) > boil water > put sushi on plate > put plate in microwave > nuke 15m > go out
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Apr 19, 2021 22:24
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dont forget the long protracted argument over whether putertouchers are engineers make rigorously sure you never ask actual engineers
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Apr 19, 2021 22:26
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swordfish in microwave - 10 mins, ✇ power
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Apr 19, 2021 22:28
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> throw baby into lake
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Apr 19, 2021 23:10
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can in microwave, microwave on ✇ for 6 minutes
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Apr 19, 2021 23:36
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store the kettle and sushi in inventory
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Apr 19, 2021 23:36
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pee in the kettle, set to boil
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Apr 19, 2021 23:44
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Nomnom Cookie posted:pee in the kettle, set to boil drink from kettle
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Apr 20, 2021 00:04
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plug them both into the unground socket and turn them both on at the same time for the maximum time (with pee in both obvs)
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Apr 20, 2021 00:25
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Content with the thought that no friends exist in this retched place, and surely none of them are true engineers, you unzip piss in the kettle before dumping the contents of mystery-can into said kettle. Pissing in a kettle shouldn't feel this good, but you really needed to go. From the sight and the smell you should drink more water and less coffee, or is it more coffee? Whatever the case the kettle now contains 330ml of piss you wizard of piss. *click*, it merrily begins heating. Meanwhile, the can. You daren't open this massive bulge of what is probably tuna. Into the microwave it goes, bombs away. But how does this help your discussion with the CTOs? That deadline is creeping and you're not paid 6.5 figgs to bum around with a pisskettle. Now what? >
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Apr 20, 2021 12:39
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leave early
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Apr 20, 2021 13:13
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Boiled Water posted:That deadline is creeping and you're not paid 6.5 figgs to bum around with a pisskettle. wrong anyway send out an email in five minutes complaining about someone heating fish in the microwave to proactively lay the blame elsewhere, preferably by implicating your office rival
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Apr 20, 2021 13:41
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>return to desk, but detour to the office manager’s desk and take a piece of candy from the bowl she always has >if she’s there, obliquely mention a possible issue in the kitchen
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Apr 20, 2021 14:54
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> start a petition to have your salaries paid in bitcoin
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Apr 20, 2021 15:34
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this isn’t even fixing the hunger problem. eat the tuna sandwich. go back to your desk and write a CYA email that unless we can get more budget this project will not be on schedule. after that slack off for the rest of the day.
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Apr 20, 2021 15:57
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sit down at your desk, open up a new tab in your favorite web browser (microsoft edge, ofc), type in "yospos", and select the first result
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Apr 20, 2021 16:08
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You grab the sandwich definitely containing tuna and head back to the desk, best not loiter at the scene of the crime. Even if you wanted to get caught, still better to not be near what is now an improvised explosive device. On your way back to your desk arrangement you bump into Jeff the junior marketing manager (previously junior marketing intern). Jeff attempts to capture you into a conversation about some kid in Iceland who picks up trash on the beach and he collects 250 filled trash bags each year and ... "(...) and you know, I think the kid had it coming. Even garbage is someones private property". Jeff is finally finished. How much time passed? The sandwich is lukewarm now, also definitely tuna. Do you: a) Continue speaking with Jeff in an attempt to figure out why a person earning 22k and living in a live-share tenement would be a libertarian 1) Leave Jeff mid sentence leaving behind only disdain where you now stand c) comedy option >
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Apr 20, 2021 17:08
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c
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Apr 20, 2021 17:11
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show him the sandwich and ask if it's his. if he says yes, eat it in front of him.
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Apr 20, 2021 17:34
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edit changing to the above but also say that "all property is theft"
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Apr 20, 2021 17:34
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Apr 20, 2021 17:35
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> c
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Apr 20, 2021 17:37
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please supply at least a little bit of comedy. Your time starts now.
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Apr 20, 2021 17:39
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goddamn it Jeff, I gotta cover my rear end in email so that there’s a paper trail when this project tanks and they’re handing out the blame. tell Jeff I don’t believe in personal property and start talking about the GNU project to scare him, all with a mouthful of sandwich
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Apr 20, 2021 17:43
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channel max stirner and tell jeff that he is in fact my personal property
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Apr 20, 2021 18:47
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c) invent a meeting with his boss you’re supposed to be in right now
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Apr 20, 2021 21:54
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 23:33 |
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"Goddamn it Jeff" you mumble while fiddling with the sandwich wrapper. Who wrapped this thing its so tight. The wrapper says "Jennifer" but surely she couldn't wait wait now just a minute Are you, a software engineer of good standing and excellent skills, a misogynist? ... ... ... No, this is not the time for introspection, this is the time for action! You bite through the plastic wrapper for that sweet sweet tuna sandwich. With a mouthful of sandwich and saran wrap you tell Jeff how personal property is all bunk: "you bhkwh whbat gff? gulp prbpersoabn prpasodbntyh bifs soahd sdfake". You leave Jeff with a bewildered look and bits of saran wrap and tuna on his face and continue your pace towards the engineering cluster. When you sit back down at your desk you notice the new hire, some contractor of no renown, has left his laptop wide open and it's right there next to you with Outlook wide open. Do you: a) Send an email to the entire office from the contractors laptop promising donuts and beer on Friday for everyone, possibly impacting the young persons career, or 1) Forge ahead with shirking work, responsibility or both? >
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Apr 20, 2021 22:14
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