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You are a COMMON snapping turtle by the name of Dr. Snappers. You are 27 years old and quite large. You live in a small pond just north of Vicksburg, Mississippi. You have sired many progeny over the years, but you are the only turtle in your pond. Your nextdoor neighbors are Squibbles Muskrat, and Hammerita Woodpecker. One day as your are sunning yourself on a road that runs by the pond, Mrs. Beaks the Heron drops your copy of The Riparian Times in front of you. You don your tiny reading spectacles and open the paper. INTERNATIONAL CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE TO BE HELD IN VANCOUVER SEA TURTLES GATHERING ON GULF COAST TO LAY EGGS FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH OF CHRIST TO HOLD ANNUAL TURTLE SOUP DINNER AND CHARITY DRIVE You hear the crunch of dry weeds and see a couple of good 'ol boys with fishing rods approaching the pond. You peer at them over your glasses. ++++++++++Updated OP Betsy Ann: Riverboat piloted by Doc Snappers, many guardsmen, a fuckton of drugs, bound for Florida Keys SS Boipussy: Riverboat piloted by Ensign Cadiz, with a few guardsmen, bound for Florida Keys USCGC Dauntless, piloted by John Joe, small crew, bound for Florida Keys USCGC Bertholf, piloted by Lt. Rains, no crew, bound for Florida Keys with intent to reach Cape Cod if possible A Floating Alien Pyramid, piloted by Aristotle Crab Characters: Doc Snappers, Cadiz, John Joe, Lt. Rains, Lucy O'Doole who is a rent-a-cop, Jammers who is a deer-man cryptid, Aristotle The Giant Alien Crab, Choops the chupacabra, and a cajun sasquatch edit: poo poo and of course Shoggath, who is a skunk-ape
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 02:07 on May 23, 2021 |
# ? May 1, 2021 22:34 |
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# ? Mar 28, 2024 09:51 |
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Wait until they get in range and then snap.
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:36 |
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super sweet best pal posted:Wait until they get in range and then snap. pull them into the pond if possible
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:43 |
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what is our doctorate in?
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:47 |
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are we an alligator snapping turtle or a common snapping turtle thosuper sweet best pal posted:Wait until they get in range and then snap. cuz its gonna make a big difference in snapping range
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:50 |
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Aardvark! posted:what is our doctorate in? whatever you want. or maybe you just call yourself that.......it is up to you.....
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:50 |
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>check inventory
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:52 |
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free hubcaps posted:are we an alligator snapping turtle or a common snapping turtle tho good catch. common. i amended the op Inventory: reading glasses, newspaper
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:55 |
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wait these are good ol boys right >Impersonate Mitch mcconnell
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:55 |
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I'd like to snap someone's dick off
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:55 |
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I politely clear my throat and ask the good ol boys for a cold one. In exchange I relay to them the location of that catfish bitch Helen, hiding there under the log.
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:57 |
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ask the good old boys for a ride to the church, this turtle soup charity drive cannot be allowed to continue
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:58 |
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Aardvark! posted:wait these are good ol boys right
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# ? May 1, 2021 22:59 |
Colonel Cancer posted:I'd like to snap someone's dick off Was thinking this before I even read the OP
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:00 |
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Drink all the pond water.
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:01 |
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>use reading glasses on newspaper
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:02 |
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You slowly set aside your paper and slide into the water with hardly a ripple. As you skim along the bottom muck, you see a chunk of chicken on the end of a fishing line. You grab the line and tug once, twice, three times, then let go. A pair of bare feet appears before you, wading cautiously into the pond. You keep fiddling with the line, enticing the man further and further in, until he is up to his chest in the water. Then you strike, darting forward and snapping at his crotch. Your powerful beak-jaws tear through his flimsy swimsuit and sever his dick. He shrieks in agony and falls fully into the pond, at which point you bite his carotid artery. The pond billows with red clouds as he dies. You slowly rise to the surface and extend your neck, shaking your jowls and staring at the other man, who stands in shock on the bank. "This pond....does not negotiate with terrorists....nor will it cow-tow to those who would bully us on the world stage," you solemnly declare. "Holy poo poo, you can talk?!" the man says. "If you agree to take me to First Baptist Church of Christ in Vicksburg, I'll tell you where that bitch catfish Helen is," you reply. The man lights a cigarette with a shaking hand and nods. A few minutes later, he carries the fish, and you, back to his truck, and drives into Vicksburg. At the church, the preacher is in the middle of a sermon as you and the man enter. Inventory: spectacles >_
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:32 |
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It's amazing how many goon CYOA's involve a terrified person reluctantly doing what we tell them to do.
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:36 |
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>equip spectacles
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:37 |
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>use spectacles on preacher
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:40 |
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>look down Hey, stop looking for me at your local creek. I hope you get bit by a water moccasin.
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# ? May 1, 2021 23:52 |
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>slumber in pond.
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# ? May 2, 2021 00:06 |
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>poo poo all over the big kettle of soup.
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# ? May 2, 2021 00:19 |
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>sneak into the pulpit and bite the preacher's dick off
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# ? May 2, 2021 00:22 |
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> Bite any man's dick off
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# ? May 2, 2021 00:50 |
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AHH F/UGH posted:> Bite every man's dick off
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# ? May 2, 2021 01:18 |
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With your spectacles you observe the preacher, who is giving a riled up fire and brimstone sermon. The fisher man carries you up to the pulpit and places you on the floor, then hurries out of the church. The preacher picks you up. "The Lord has delivered us our first meal of the evening! For the benefit of those starving orphans in Darfur of course. And not my alimony. I done sinned. We all done sinned!" As he holds you at waist level, you bite his cock off. The preacher screams, drops you, and stumbles out the door. You crawl up onto the pulpit and adjust the microphone in front of a stunned congregation. "My brothers and sisters," you call out, "YAAAALLLL have sinned. Yes, for are we not all fallen?" A hush falls over the church. "For too long have you put my kin under the knife! For too long have you nursed at the tits of hypocrisy and licentious epicurean lust! Praise Jesus." "Praise Jesus," the congregation echoes. "Would that this day had never come BUT---- it has arrived. The day of Judgement has indeed arrived praise Jesus." "Praise Jesus." "Brothers and sisters, gather round. Gather round here at the podium and kneel, that I might lay claws upon you and intercede on your behalf with the Lord and ask for His forgiveness praise Jesus." The congregation eagerly assembles at the steps of the sanctuary and kneels down. You clamber down from the pulpit, and bite the dick off the first man in line. "You have been graced by the blessing of corporeal pain and suffering!" you shout over the man's screams, and proceed to castrate all the men in the church, one by one. The congregation starts to wail and speak in tongues. "Someone carry me down to the rec hall and show me the turtle stew." A small child obliges. "Now hold me over the pot so I can poo poo in it." You look down and do so. The soup is ruined. The child deposits you outside the church. You find your way to a golf course water trap and take a nap. >_
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# ? May 2, 2021 01:33 |
>Find an unattended golf cart, crawl into it, and mash the accelerator
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# ? May 2, 2021 01:36 |
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I think this CYOA needs an ongoing Dicks Snapped count
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# ? May 2, 2021 02:24 |
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> eat a dandelion leaf
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# ? May 2, 2021 02:26 |
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tuertles are cool I have 2 pet turtles they are red ear sliders though not snapping turtles but i think they might still bite you if you annoyed them, one of them might anyway the other is pretty chill but one is kinda scary and she hisses at you if you take her out of the water but its like sorry buddy gotta clean your tank
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# ? May 2, 2021 03:54 |
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>he bite he own dick
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# ? May 2, 2021 04:02 |
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Dignity Van Houten posted:>Find an unattended golf cart, crawl into it, and mash the accelerator This, but use the golf cart to find some rich old white golfers and give their dicks a good severing
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# ? May 2, 2021 05:03 |
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...and so I started snapping...
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# ? May 2, 2021 05:08 |
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Sit directly above a hole and bite the dick of anyone who tries to move you so they can play
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# ? May 2, 2021 05:11 |
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> bite sum nutz
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# ? May 2, 2021 05:17 |
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> head to the glory hole in the country club's men's showers to find the next victim
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# ? May 2, 2021 05:34 |
collect errant balls from the water trap and use them to lure unsuspecting golfers over to bite their dicks off
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# ? May 2, 2021 05:49 |
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After your nap, you awake in the morning to find some wealthy looking dudes and ladies playing a round on the course. Using your Mitch McConnell impersonation, you lure them closer to the pond. "We've never...never uh used the full might of riparian power to....fully enact American policy in our wetlands. And as much as I, along with, I'm sure....all turtles, want to avoid armed conflict, we must be ready and able if.....if uh that becomes necessary." You attempt to bite your own dick, but that is impeded by the dimensions of your shell. Several old dudes approach the pond. "Hey, I've got a poo poo ton of lost golf balls in here," you say. The men gingerly step into the pond, at which point you bite the balls off four of them. Three escape, screaming. One particularly old man falls on his rear end in terror. You demand that he put you in his golf cart, which he does. You punch the accelerator and drive to the club house, where you clamber into the bathroom to take a gentlemanly piss. Doing so, you notice a glory hole in the stall wall, with a dick sticking through it. This of course you snap off. The shrieks of agony recede into the morning fog. A groundskeeper is summoned with a net and lasso. You hide behind a toilet. Inventory: spectacles, three golf balls, golf cart >_
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# ? May 2, 2021 06:36 |
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# ? Mar 28, 2024 09:51 |
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<< open up my satchel ,,Grab a ball"" S awiiiing batter! > This harebrained scheme may work. Zeluth fucked around with this message at 06:47 on May 2, 2021 |
# ? May 2, 2021 06:43 |