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nishi koichi posted:nobody with good parents would choose to go without them 
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May 27, 2021 17:53
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But real talk I do not understand the end game here. Like is this to drive your child back to you because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. It doesn’t even seem like this was a “I read what you said and I’m sorry, I didn’t get it, how do we work on this” - if it was that I could respect it. I could respect contrition and trying to do better. But clearly this ain’t it.
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May 27, 2021 17:53
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teen witch posted:
Huh
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May 27, 2021 17:55
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teen witch posted:But real talk I do not understand the end game here. Like is this to drive your child back to you because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. the idea is to provoke and cause the target to respond. they don't really care about getting their kid back, unless they can exert total power and live a creepy little hallmark channel life. they want the attention, the supply
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May 27, 2021 17:55
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Famous Goon Moms, A Retrospective:  
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May 27, 2021 17:55
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teen witch posted:But real talk I do not understand the end game here. Like is this to drive your child back to you because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. They dont think that far ahead ime. Its basically reasoning along the lines of "i am flawless and my child is wrong, therefore i shall continue being flawless and my child will eventually realize they are wrong" while completely not registering how violating and detrimental their behavior actually is.
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May 27, 2021 17:56
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I know I'm preaching to the choir here but I just hate the fact that there is no amount of evidence you can provide, no matter how calmly, that will get them to introspect in any way. The patterns are so predictable from these estranged parents they can basically be recited from memory. DARVO stuff, deflection, it always comes out the same few ways. "OK so I'm not a perfect parent but I'm not as bad as my parents" or the variation where they say "it's not like you're so perfect either" which is just an excuse to justify their abuse and blame the child. And that platonic ideal of "perfect" they use is the most convenient dodge. After a lifetime of (some combo of) neglect, abuse, name calling their children, telling them they aren't good enough, second guessing them, dismissing their experiences, gaslighting and pretending things didn't happen, crying or getting angry when anything even slightly critical is said and expecting an apology, pulling rank well into adulthood (we'll I'm the parent and you're the child), assuming their child's spouse is some mastermind that's keeping them apart, disregarding their wishes, disrespecting boundaries, and so many other ways, they refuse to accept any kind of responsibility. But sure, it must be because I don't know, they didn't get a cooler present when they were 12 and they're still holding that against you because you're not perfect. That must be why your children are pulling away or went no contact. The contrast in the way the parents and children communicate is interesting too. There's been tons of examples in this thread of the children of estranged parents describing things accurately, more or less. On the other hand you've got estranged parents spending dozens of posts of self-pity about how much their kids hurt them only to subtly let slip over time all of the horrible poo poo the parents did before rationalizing it and reaching for more pity from other lovely parents who also abused their kids. This thread has been really cathartic and helped me work through some stuff as I'm sure it has many others. It's been a valuable resource and I hope it continues, even if it has to change course for a little while. Snyderman fucked around with this message at 19:51 on May 27, 2021 |
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May 27, 2021 17:58
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you were just such an evil little infant, i did what i had to do 
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May 27, 2021 18:00
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teen witch posted:But real talk I do not understand the end game here. Like is this to drive your child back to you because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. it is nothing more than the desperate attempt of an unhealthy ego to avoid acknowledging personal flaws. there is no end game, there is no long term strategy, it's a defensive response to criticism that simply avoids internalizing the criticism at all costs. that's it.
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May 27, 2021 18:06
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At least they haven't found the thread where we post the pictures and police reports.
Dongsturm fucked around with this message at 18:15 on May 27, 2021 |
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May 27, 2021 18:08
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nishi koichi posted:you were just such an evil little infant, i did what i had to do For some reason this reminded me of White Oleander. The mom in that book is a pretty spot-on example of a narcissistic parent ime, the daughter being a good example of an estranged child. Some things weren’t quite there, though. And in the movie Michelle Pfeiffer did a pretty good job playing that narcissistic mom. Anyway, it reminded me of a specific scene where she is describing to her daughter (on a prison visitation no less) why she left her early on, saying, “You just needed, needed, needed, and I barely had time to breathe so yes I ran off with that guy! But I came back for you, doesn’t that count for something?” Paraphrased.
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May 27, 2021 18:10
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shame on an IGA posted:Famous Goon Moms, A Retrospective: i had no idea vilerat's mom went around shilling for the gop but now i know and it's loving hilarious
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May 27, 2021 18:12
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Aardvark! posted:i had no idea vilerat's mom went around shilling for the gop but now i know and it's loving hilarious IIRC he wasn’t keen on his mom either so RIP poster in arms
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May 27, 2021 18:13
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Lysistrata posted:They dont think that far ahead ime. Its basically reasoning along the lines of "i am flawless and my child is wrong, therefore i shall continue being flawless and my child will eventually realize they are wrong" while completely not registering how violating and detrimental their behavior actually is. Basically that was my father's approach, and now it's been well over a year since we last spoke (and that was only me feeling obligated to announce that I got married). I'm in my mid-30s and he's still in that mode where he dismissed anything I said as, "You're just too young to understand how the world REALLY works, one day you'll figure that out and apologize to me." Not reading into anything, either. This was said almost verbatim after saying I'm actually the bigot for "not tolerating others who have different opinions and assuming you're always right". These "opinions" he held that I needed to respect were things like "black people are all criminals", "all Muslims should be exterminated", and various flavors of misogyny. To this day he still believes I had an idyllic and flawless childhood and he never did anything wrong. He inevitably brings up how much money he spent on xmas presents and vacations we didn't ask for, because money = affection. Never mind the constant bullying I got at home, as if I didn't get enough at school; when I developed a nervous tic in jr. high, instead of taking me to a neurologist or psychiatrist he started calling me "blinky", for just one fairly mild example.
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May 27, 2021 18:17
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Aardvark! posted:i had no idea vilerat's mom went around shilling for the gop but now i know and it's loving hilarious If I recall correctly, she would have been a candidate for this thread back when Vilerat was alive. I feel bad for his wife and kids, trying to get over his untimely death while grandma tries to make it all about herself on national television.
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May 27, 2021 18:21
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I’m sure in her mind it’s his wife’s fault for letting him get posted in Benghazi
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May 27, 2021 18:24
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life is killing me posted:I’m sure in her mind it’s his wife’s fault for letting him get posted in Benghazi too bad for all the estranged parents out there that this thread, much like benghazi, ain't going away
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May 27, 2021 18:26
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Stalker Mom sounds really similar to my mom, and I too would find it hilarious if she came in here trying to plead her case or have a meltdown. I actually went back and read the emails from the nuclear explosion in my family a few years back, and reading it with a clear head and free from the anxiety attacks it induced, they're all nuckin futz I tell you what
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May 27, 2021 18:29
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i think i have a tendency to project my anxiety itt, it's something i am working on but god drat is it difficult
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May 27, 2021 18:32
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thinking about making a "post itt everytime you lol that rutibex's mom is a toxic narcissistic stalker" thread but wondering if that might be a bit much
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May 27, 2021 18:32
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ben shapino posted:thinking about making a "post itt everytime you lol that rutibex's mom is a toxic narcissistic stalker" thread but wondering if that might be a bit much Yeah I mean we might not wanna air it out for everyone else and take any decision out of rutibex’s hands or invite her to take part en large
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May 27, 2021 18:39
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BaronVonVaderham posted:"You're just too young to understand how the world REALLY works, one day you'll figure that out" I've experienced both of these. The first one over the unrest in Mpls when George Floyd was murdered of all things. I think one of my parents said exactly "You'll feel different when you are our age" like great, I will become racist once I am an adult? That must kick in at 50, because I am not young. Luckily I will never catch up on the amount of fox news needed to break my brain that hard. Sorry your mom is stalking you, Rutibex. I am chuckling thinking about chud boomers reading these dumb forums. I imagine it goes as well as when my grandma and her church group all went to see Pulp Fiction.
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May 27, 2021 18:42
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Not even close to the same as what has happened but one of the final things that finally pushed me to distance my mom was her randomly sending some email to me lashing into me over a myspace(lol 2005) post I had made venting about something she had done. The post was months..maybe years old at the time. Suddenly my mom wasn't able to find me on any social media or at least wasn't connected to me via friendship or whatever on a single site in the future. Oh guess you didn't get to see all those pictures I posted living my life. Sorry.
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May 27, 2021 18:42
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Jesus, the level of insane stalking. Here, on my dead gay comedy forum. I realize people like this are incapable of self reflection, but you'd think at some point they'd clue into the fact that you can't loving treat another adult like garbage and have them want to spend time with you, and the fact that you're their parent doesn't make them obliged to put up with you. In fact, it's worse, because you spent years treating them like garbage while they were dependent on you and were unable to walk away.
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May 27, 2021 18:43
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They do not clue in. I havent spoken to either of my parents for a long time now and have explicitly said the reason I dont want contact with them is because they can't even fathom the idea of being considerate or respectful to me or my brother. And yet they do not clue in.
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May 27, 2021 18:51
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BaronVonVaderham posted:To this day he still believes I had an idyllic and flawless childhood and he never did anything wrong. He inevitably brings up how much money he spent on xmas presents and vacations we didn't ask for, because money = affection. my dad was 100% like this as well and when i stopped talking to him he sent me a card with 300 bucks in it. my mom has her own issues that make her belong to this thread as well but to her credit on that day she just was like "hey ur dad sent a card, do u want to read it" and I was like "lol no" and then she gave me the money from it and i bought myself a cheap laptop for school  also my older sister used to spy on my internet usage and report it to my mom but that was when i was a teenager and thus easier to control. pulling that kind of poo poo once your kid is already an adult is also really creepy and yes, there's less of a longterm endgame attached to it. just harassment for the sake of it
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May 27, 2021 18:53
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The cruelty is the point, as it were.
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May 27, 2021 18:55
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nishi koichi posted:the idea is to provoke and cause the target to respond. they don't really care about getting their kid back, unless they can exert total power and live a creepy little hallmark channel life. they want the attention, the supply yup its pretty much this. if she wanted to mend the relationship all she has to do is apologize for skipping my masters graduation, I've told her this multiple times but all she is interested in doing is brow beating me. so i told her until she can apologize and demonstrate a change in attitude then she is not to contact me this is her response
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May 27, 2021 19:05
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Love how the "i explicitly want this from you, until you can do that don't contact me" is entirely ignored in favor of such wonderful solutions as: internet stalking, yelling in emails. Man, its like seeing my own family. Just block her entirely, on everything, and revisit it on your terms if and when you ever want to. She won't change.
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May 27, 2021 19:09
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I have no doubt whatsoever that my dad would lurk this thread if he knew about it.if you are, gently caress you He thought it was hilarious when I found out he'd been spying on all my online activity, and worked out my password on ICQ, posed as me, and talked to my friends. Even after I'd moved out, he called to dress me down for posting atheist statements on another forum I used to be on. To any estranged creep parents reading this, I hope you die before you get around to changing your wills.
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May 27, 2021 19:10
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A Bakers Cousin posted:Not even close to the same as what has happened but one of the final things that finally pushed me to distance my mom was her randomly sending some email to me lashing into me over a myspace(lol 2005) post I had made venting about something she had done. The post was months..maybe years old at the time. I ran into this when I was on food stamps for the first time. It takes forever to get that set up in Florida (because they constantly raise the barrier to entry to discourage us welfare queens from mooching). When I finally got it I was down to bare cabinets and an empty fridge, so I literally cried after buying groceries and posted about how grateful I was. I got an angry phone call demanding I take that down immediately. Don't I feel proper shame for having to be on food stamps?! Don't I understand how this makes him look bad, because others in the family are wondering why he isn't helping me (he was making about 140k around this time, with his lovely new wife making another 70+ on top of that)?! The first time we didn't speak was after I visited one summer. The very last day, we grabbed breakfast at Friendly's on the way to dropping me at the airport (one family tradition I actually miss). During this meal, it came up that my cousin had recently come out as a lesbian and posted about this in the context of sharing pictures of this day spent kayaking with her mom where she finally came out and told her. This was presented to me like, "Get a load of this bullshit, right?" My father's awful wife then said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't be celebrating that, I would have just drowned it on the spot." Of course I spoke to said cousin later that day to show my support and let her know she might not want to expect a warm embrace from my diseased branch of the family tree. The parts of my family who aren't shitbags (sadly not many of them...) reacted accordingly, and so I got another of those angry phone calls, this time about how I completely lack loyalty and how the lovely things they said loudly in a public restaurant should have been kept in confidence, they were never meant to actually be heard by my cousin. I'm obviously the lovely person for outing them as people who literally view their niece as a less than human thing that should be killed. Their "punishment" was to say that they were planning to give me his wife's Volvo (at the time I was actively looking to replace my crumbling car), something they had never mentioned before and something I did not ask for nor want, but now they're just going to keep it and I should think about what I did as I struggle to find transportation so I could keep my job. Again, they're withholding "affection" in the form of material gifts, what they view as the ultimate punishment. I shrugged and didn't talk to them for two years.
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May 27, 2021 19:14
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It takes an incredible amount of bullshit for people to choose to escape from their own parents and yet so many people manage it You are always bad parents; if your children were truly manipulative, they'd be trying to exploit you for money and property. they've cut you off because you have nothing to offer them, not even and especially not in words or feelings. You are worthless.
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May 27, 2021 19:18
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Ghost Leviathan posted:It takes an incredible amount of bullshit for people to choose to escape from their own parents and yet so many people manage it Hell, I keep "worthless" acquaintances around or at least stay on good terms with them because at least they don't actively make my life worse. Estranged parents are a net negative on their children's lives. You have to be such a lovely person to make someone override the instinct to love their parents lmao ben shapino fucked around with this message at 19:44 on May 27, 2021 |
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May 27, 2021 19:39
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ben shapino posted:Hell, I keep "worthless" acquaintances around or at least stay on good terms with them because at least they don't actively make my life worse. I currently am not communicating with my mom and sometimes I feel guilty and want to call her up and apologize but then I try to think what benefit a relationship, even as simple as a call a week or so, would do for me. Besides releasing that bit of guilty child syndrome I can't think of any positives opening up communication, even such superficial small talk bullshit, would have. I figured an only child of a single mother would be close with their mom but it turns out other things need to happen like love and parenting.
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May 27, 2021 19:54
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I'm waiting for SEO bots to get to those cursed pinterest memes from a few pages back. I want a Discarded Gramma t shirt. Or maybe a whole cafe press site such that I can get a Discarded Gramma old bag.
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May 27, 2021 20:17
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ElHuevoGrande posted:I'm waiting for SEO bots to get to those cursed pinterest memes from a few pages back. I want a Discarded Gramma t shirt. Or maybe a whole cafe press site such that I can get a Discarded Gramma old bag. DON'T mess with an eighty-four year-old who hasn't talked to THEIR GRANDSON in twenty YEARS!!!!
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May 27, 2021 20:32
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BaronVonVaderham posted:
Hey, my mom does this too! I was working 2 jobs and still couldn't afford to buy enough food, and so, like anybody else, I applied for food stamps until I could find another job. My mom freaked out at me for even suggesting it, then told me not to go on it because it would "make us look poor" (I don't live with her)
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May 27, 2021 20:35
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LMAO my dad's actually stalked me, he knows I post here, and he would be ashamed to do what you've done, Rutibex's mom. Estranged parents are trash people.
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May 27, 2021 21:24
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teen witch posted:But real talk I do not understand the end game here. Like is this to drive your child back to you because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. nishi koichi posted:the idea is to provoke and cause the target to respond. they don't really care about getting their kid back, unless they can exert total power and live a creepy little hallmark channel life. they want the attention, the supply Lysistrata posted:They dont think that far ahead ime. Its basically reasoning along the lines of "i am flawless and my child is wrong, therefore i shall continue being flawless and my child will eventually realize they are wrong" while completely not registering how violating and detrimental their behavior actually is. quote:it is unnatural that the people we gave life to and raised treat us like we are nothing. I dont think any of us are the hallmark card moms. In fact, I think some people give those cards out of obligation and guilt. "My child sent me a card, but it was the wrong card. They have failed in their life's purpose, to keep me from being unhappy."
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May 27, 2021 22:11
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Snyderman posted:
If anything the children are probably holding back when they recount these things.
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May 27, 2021 22:28
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