PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Kirk Johnson's didgeridoo-like farts

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Kirk Johnson's didgeridoo-like farts

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freeedr: Feb 21, 2005

�I�d like to send my urchin up your turd chimney� he said to me

# ? Jul 13, 2021 21:53

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 21:25

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

freeedr posted:

�I�d like to send my urchin up your turd chimney� he said to me

Oh really? Because he said all of this to me:

Sorority Fister posted:

grab a fisftul of my hair and begin slowly loving my mouth...nice and smooth, in and out, you take in the pleasure of the wet warmth of my mouth. I stare up at you with puppy dog eyes while i put my hands on your rear end, which i feel tightening. you increase the speed of your thrusts until youre riding that edge, jackhammering me so hard my nose starts to bleed. you throw your head back and scream like braveheart having his guts rearranged by the torturer as hot ropes of your seed rush down my throathole

I want to lube up your arm with warm butter and then have you fist my rectum while im up on a table. then youre just really pounding away up to your elbow in me, literally jumping off the ground to generate more force

Man I could go for a nice relaxing ASMR session of your ripping high pitched squeaky farts directly into my earhole...little brown tornados flying around my skull

I want to feel your pulsing erection as you climax deep into my rear end. my lower intestines expanding trying to accomdate the sheer volume of your hot mayonaise in my guts

If you are familiar with construction equipment, in particular the Breaker, cousin to the jackhammer. I would like for you to replicate this motion and violence on my rectum with your rock hard erection until you've pulverized my turds into diamonds.

Im laying in bed watching this and my wife is sitting here trying to troll me by smacking her beef curtains together making nasty wet smacking sounds

If you were to, say, slide your peepee into my dripping hot anus, and then draw on my face a poo poo stache while ejaculating directly into my eyes..or perhaps directly into one of my nostrils like you were oiling up the tinman

I want you to point your rear end in a top hat straight up in the air, and i come up next to it while grabbing your shaft. your scrotum just spills down the top of my hand..down my wrist. I feel and smell the hot stinky steam wafting off your crack after a hard days work. I blow air across your gaping rear end in a top hat and it makes a howling noise...doodoo crusted taint hairs not even moving like iron jeri curls

Power wash the epidermis straight off my face with your hot, powerful piss

I'd like to picture you jumping up in the air matrix style, legs spread wide...pants just exploding off your body, before going in for the ultimate face rape of yours truly, cock all the way down my throat...violently gyrating your pelvis as you attempt to get enough friction for you to climax without losing your tight grip around my face. legs wrapped around my back, you ejaculate hot ropes of your seed down my throathole like a facehugger alien

I would drop to my knees and plant a hundred ticklish little kisses on your ballbag as a prelude to me ironing out the wrinkles of your sack with my tongue, your nuts just shifting around on their own as you take in the experience

I want you to surf my mouth erection first, and then use my uvula as a cock punching bag while youre grabbing my ears..ejaculating straight down my cock hungry throat like a facehugger alien

i want to press my mouth against your shitlips like a docking maneuver in space...i feel the vibrations of your lower intestines going hurgl gurgl as your sphincter winks inwards slightly before erupting a train of diarrhetic heaven straight into my stomach

I slide into the room like kramer, only to discover you standing there naked with a bulging erection, glistening with lube. I launch myself like a projectile mouth first and 'dock' with your erection like a jet performing an in flight refueling maneuver. you transport what feels like gallons of your hot love fuel directly into my stomach, and i come off your mayonaise canon with an audible pop..a slight bit of extra seed splashes onto my face...my mouth hangs open like that of a tired dog, saliva drooling out of my mouth like ive been lobotomized

I want to maintain eye contact with you while i lightly tongue your general taint area, and then lick up the seam of your ballbage like im sealing and envelope. your erection pulses with anticipation. i bring my mouth down around your bulging mushroom cap as you close your eyes and feel the wet warmth of my mouth. your hips start thrusting on their own while you grab a fistful of my hair, jackhammering my mouth before erupting with your hot mayonaise straight down my throathole

I want to be in a human centipede with you. large flaps of my facial tissue stitched to your backside. the moment of truth crappening as i feel your sphincter start to buldge outward against my tongue, and a train of hot brown heaven makes its way down towards my throat, brushing up against my uvula, and then settling comfortably into my stomach. i feel full and satisfied.

I come running and slide underneath your legs like im stealing home base...i gently cup your ballbag and begin exploring your taint with my tongue, before moving up the seam of your scrotum and taking your cock in my mouth. you grab a fistful of my hair and begin jackhammering my mouth while my eyes bulge and you erupt with hot mayonaise straight down my cock hungry throat

i gently cup your ballbag and begin exploring your taint with my tongue, before moving up the seam of your scrotum and taking your cock in my mouth. you grab a fistful of my hair and begin jackhammering my mouth while my eyes bulge and you erupt with hot mayonaise straight down my cock hungry throat

I'm eating a big mac at macdonalds when you walk in the door and I stop midbite. Youre dressed like youre on the run, like someone was after you. Sunglasses, a baggy dress thats only hinting at your normally magificent gunt. you walk over to me with a purpose and put a leg up on my table, smashing what was left of my fries. I stare up at your face bewlidered i drop my big mac. my hand runs up your leg. soft, well moisturized skin. your leg starts off as cool and I feel the heat rise as my hand gets closer to your sex. you are white hot between your legs and slightly damp, the knife edge of my hand brushes up against a string. i stick my head under your dress like im a 19th century photographer and rip that tampon out with my mouth, special sauce still on my lips, and it flails around bloody and soggy looking like a skinned mouth. you begin gyrating your pelvis against my tongue while grabbing a fistful of my hair. you come hard as a pimply faced 19 year old is sweeping the floor beside us

I want you to shove your yogurt slinger all the way down my throat, then pull out and rearrange my guts with it up my rear end

I wish I was under your desk with my face in your general crotch area while you rip long nasty farts...your labia just getting blown around all gracefully like the wings of a swimming stingary

grab the back of my head and just loving impale me on your erect cock, nut, pieces of skull and brains explode out the back of my head like im being eaten out by alien throatjaws in a moment of violent ecstasy

I want you to whip out your veiny yogurt slinger and ill take it in my mouth from the side and go up and down on it like a typewriter until you finally go CHING and erupt like a mayonaise volcano

your cock plumps up like a ballpark hot dog in my hand, the skin barely containing the bulging of the meat within. i start doing the harlem handshake on your hog until your mushroom cap explodes in a shower of hot knucklebabies

i want you to slam and then flattin a can of creamed corn on top of my head, then grab my ears and violently gently caress my face while screaming and finally ejaculating straight down my throathole feelin like i swallowed a train of hot oysters

# ? Jul 13, 2021 22:00

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Do... do Americans not sweep their turd chimneys?

# ? Jul 13, 2021 22:00

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Do... do Americans not sweep their turd chimneys?

I got me one o' them fancy bee-days fer that [unspools garden hose]

# ? Jul 13, 2021 22:02

Inceltown: Aug 6, 2019

EorayMel posted:

Oh really? Because he said all of this to me:

Yeah but you pay him by the word. Of course he's going to waffle on about poo poo to run your tab up.

# ? Jul 13, 2021 22:24

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

The Charles Dickens of erotic shitposting

# ? Jul 13, 2021 22:30

mmj: Dec 22, 2006; I've always been a bit confrontational

Captain Hygiene posted:

The Charles Dickens of erotic shitposting

It was the best of holes, it was the worst of holes.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 00:05

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

mmj posted:

It was the best of holes, it was the worst of holes.

More like Charles Dickens!

e: wait god dammit

# ? Jul 14, 2021 00:21

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

Splicer posted:

More like Charles Dickems!

# ? Jul 14, 2021 00:39

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

There used to be a butterfly called the n word.

Now it's called the smooth-backed bushbrown, which still feels racist tbh

# ? Jul 14, 2021 02:24

iwentdoodie: Apr 29, 2005; 🤗YOU'RE WELCOME🤗

venus de lmao posted:

There used to be a butterfly called the n word.

Now it's called the smooth-backed bushbrown, which still feels racist tbh

It's just a finch named slickback

# ? Jul 14, 2021 02:38

Altared State: Jan 14, 2006; I think I was born to burn

Weird things happening in the Rick and Morty thread

LionArcher posted:

I made it pretty clear I find extra hair on anyone (doesn't matter their gender identity) to be something I don't find particular attractive, in regards to armpits and genital regions. I called that extra hair something I found "gross" but never said anything about the person being disgusting. If the person is extra hairy (think Roy from Ted L) that's different of course.

I find the extra hair itself to be unappealing. It's a preference. Just like somebody who only dates dudes with beards. And I've dated people who didn't like shaving, because the person matters way more to me than something as silly as this. I wouldn't ask anyone to conform to beauty standards, and trying to vaguely loop me in to "sexist" seems a tad aggressive, on top of calling me daring to state a preference as "pretty loving stupid."

And it's not like climate change won't make having long hair extra hair less appealing. I'm not hiding behind any cover. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if teen girls in fifteen years start shaving their heads to look like loving aliens from Babylon 5 because product becomes expensive as poo poo and it's just always so loving hot.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 02:41

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Interesting.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 02:45

some plague rats: Jun 5, 2012; by Fluffdaddy

That guy is such a huge weirdo

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:04

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

Wait, you guys don't have meticulously thought-out opinions on which people and age groups should have more or less hair that you expound upon at length on internet forums? :confused:

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:07

Heath: Apr 30, 2008; 🍂🎃🏞️💦

You probably could have just quoted that without context and I would have guessed Rick and Morty Guy

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:12

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Sir this is a [burp] Wendy's

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:14

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

Rascar Capac posted:

The dude on the Camp Coffee bottle is almost certainly Hector MacDonald.

I like mascots that aren�t pederasts.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:42

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

A HORNY SWEARENGEN posted:

Sir this is a [burp] Wendy's

gently caress you, gimme them Szechuan Pubes

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:47

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

extra hair on tip

# ? Jul 14, 2021 03:58

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Altared State posted:

Weird things happening in the Rick and Morty thread

Massive 'She put her hair up but didn't' vibes.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 04:17

spookykid: Apr 28, 2006

There's a lot of speculation that it was a character (if not literal) assassination by the aristocracy officers in the British army at the time for being raised to that rank with no blue blood.

Doesn't change the fact he married a 15 year old when he was 31 though.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 04:56

Arivia: Mar 17, 2011

Altared State posted:

Weird things happening in the Rick and Morty thread

it's weird that there's two different major alien races in B5 this could be referencing, are all the teenage girls gonna have really thin but long topknots or will they have bone ridges running around the back of their skull

# ? Jul 14, 2021 05:24

Lobok: Jul 13, 2006; Say Watt?

I think the thing that bothers me the most about that post is them calling it "extra" hair. As if we're naturally hairless in our pits and groins but some people use wigs and weaves and hair transplants to add a little something else.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 06:01

Blue Footed Booby: Oct 4, 2006; got those happy feet

Lobok posted:

I think the thing that bothers me the most about that post is them calling it "extra" hair. As if we're naturally hairless in our pits and groins but some people use wigs and weaves and hair transplants to add a little something else.

His rap sheet has multiple punishments for posts that are just...off. Like, he's trying to be one kind of weird for comedy purposes but is an additional, unintentional kind of weird. It's creepy.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 06:38

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Lobok posted:

I think the thing that bothers me the most about that post is them calling it "extra" hair. As if we're naturally hairless in our pits and groins but some people use wigs and weaves and hair transplants to add a little something else.

It's easy to spot people whose only experience of naked women comes from watching porn, because that's exactly what they do expect.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 10:10

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

Sagebrush posted:

https://i.imgur.com/6ByV0uH.mp4

monolithburger posted:

This is what happens when you ask for the northwest sauce.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 10:11

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

Platystemon posted:

I like mascots that aren�t pederasts.

spookykid posted:

There's a lot of speculation that it was a character (if not literal) assassination by the aristocracy officers in the British army at the time for being raised to that rank with no blue blood.

Doesn't change the fact he married a 15 year old when he was 31 though.

Blue Footed Booby posted:

His rap sheet has multiple punishments for posts that are just...off. Like, he's trying to be one kind of weird for comedy purposes but is an additional, unintentional kind of weird. It's creepy.

# ? Jul 14, 2021 11:20

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Outrail posted:

Massive 'She put her hair up but didn't' vibes.

Well yeah she saved it off

# ? Jul 14, 2021 16:53

Arivia: Mar 17, 2011

Arivia posted:

it's weird that there's two different major alien races in B5 this could be referencing, are all the teenage girls gonna have really thin but long topknots or will they have bone ridges running around the back of their skull

i thought about this again and realized that the narn women are technically bald too, there's not really any alien women with hair by default. what were you up to jms

# ? Jul 14, 2021 18:11

Empty Sandwich: Apr 22, 2008; goatse mugs

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Do... do Americans not sweep their turd chimneys?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSEwcksglTw

# ? Jul 14, 2021 20:12

Inceltown: Aug 6, 2019

Megillah Gorilla posted:

EDIT: great, I wanted "angry old man yells at clouds", I got "paraplegic handjob"

# ? Jul 14, 2021 20:34

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Arivia posted:

i thought about this again and realized that the narn women are technically bald too, there's not really any alien women with hair by default. what were you up to jms

living his best life

# ? Jul 15, 2021 15:19

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Arivia posted:

i thought about this again and realized that the narn women are technically bald too, there's not really any alien women with hair by default. what were you up to jms

Of all the non-human races in the show, only the Centauri and the Brakiri have hair at all. They really leaned into the "Aliens are not just humans with funny foreheads" thing - mostly to make it easier to conceal the rep company they formed, mind you.

# ? Jul 15, 2021 15:41

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Ziv Zulander posted:

For every bullshit problem you solve at work I have to deal with one elderly person who is sobbing their eyes out because they’ve lived beyond their usefulness

Samuel L. Hacksaw posted:

So you work from home?

# ? Jul 15, 2021 16:04

Arivia: Mar 17, 2011

Jedit posted:

Of all the non-human races in the show, only the Centauri and the Brakiri have hair at all. They really leaned into the "Aliens are not just humans with funny foreheads" thing - mostly to make it easier to conceal the rep company they formed, mind you.

Also Zathras. Zathras has hair.

# ? Jul 15, 2021 17:30

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Arivia posted:

Also Zathras. Zathras has hair.

No, Zathras has hair. Zathras, very bald.

Very sad.

Zathras pity Zathras, but not much that Zathras can do to help Zathras.

# ? Jul 15, 2021 17:35

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

I wish every day was babylon 5 appreciation day

# ? Jul 15, 2021 17:43

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Jedit posted:

Of all the non-human races in the show, only the Centauri and the Brakiri have hair at all. They really leaned into the "Aliens are not just humans with funny foreheads" thing - mostly to make it easier to conceal the rep company they formed, mind you.

Hyach-do too.

# ? Jul 15, 2021 17:48

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 21:25

Arivia: Mar 17, 2011

Neddy Seagoon posted:

No, Zathras has hair. Zathras, very bald.

Very sad.

Zathras pity Zathras, but not much that Zathras can do to help Zathras.

I literally just watched the episode I needed to see to understand this on Monday. It's perfect!

# ? Jul 15, 2021 17:49

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