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Your stepdad hit your child. You are well far and beyond “qualified” to post here. Do not feel an ounce of guilt doing so
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Sep 7, 2021 20:44
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mudskipp posted:For yourself; If you find yourself puzzling over why someone would act like that I would suggest reading something rather than thinking about it.. I spent alot of energy trying to understand why my wife's dad would be so horrible but it was a total waste. Seconding this. My siblings and I have wasted so much time trying to figure out our mom and why she sucks so bad. In the end it doesn't matter, all that matters is what contact we choose to have with her. I have the best relationship with her of all my siblings and that is directly tied to me spending loving zero time thinking about what she'll think, or say, or do, or what the hell is wrong with her. I was talking with my brother about decorating my living room and he made a remark like "or paint it black, mom would love that haha". I stopped and thought and her reaction had never crossed my mind. It was like someone had made a remark about what the queen of sweden would think. Why would I care about that, it's my house? Treat harmful people like a black box that emits abuse. All that matters is how to avoid it and protect yourself from it, no point trying to figure out if a wizard cursed it or it had a bad childhood or whatever. Just get that thing the gently caress away from you.
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Sep 7, 2021 20:51
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Ghostnuke posted:I don't even know how to put this all into words that make sense, hopefully it's not too bad to read... The racist chud stuff... I mean whatever, they're family. Just unfriend on Facebook and forget about it. Beating you as a kid... that's a little harder to forgive, but I guess if they thought they were doing what's best for you, so be it. Hitting *your* kid though? Holy poo poo I would have gone ballistic. I'm not sure what I would have done, but I do know that it would end up cutting off all contact for that one. Jesus.
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Sep 7, 2021 20:51
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Ghostnuke posted:I know none of that is even close to what some people have been through, and I honestly feel guilty about even posting because of that. I could give other stories, but you get the idea... I would have absolutely lost my loving poo poo if my parent hit my kid, that's WAY above and beyond unacceptable, into "what the gently caress" territory. Please don't feel bad about posting.
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Sep 7, 2021 21:16
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Ghostnuke posted:I don't even know how to put this all into words that make sense, hopefully it's not too bad to read... "Mom, As you and dad refuse to be positive influences on my and my family's life, we are ceasing contact immediately. I have blocked you on Facebook, email, and your phone numbers. Please do not contact me, my wife, or my children without prior permission. Please do not send gifts. Please do not show up in person uninvited, I will be calling the police if needed. Bless your heart, Ghostnuke" Just gently caress 'em. Entirely. Look up the statute of limitations of Assault On A Minor and if the incident is within that timeline, threaten to press charges. Hell, DO press charges. Make it clear that they're unwelcome. They might be blood, but that ain't family. Politics you might be able to handle, but this is a couple of steps past that.
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Sep 7, 2021 21:16
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My mom was always very clear that she would press charges if any of her abusive relatives laid a hand on me. Other people don't get to hit your kids.
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Sep 7, 2021 21:21
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I agree with you all entirely, it would be an easy decision in a vacuum. It helps that other family members have had trouble with them too, so I wouldn't be entirely alone in the extended family. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out in my office seeing everyone's support, so I must be getting some catharsis.
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Sep 7, 2021 21:30
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No sane person on Earth would second-guess your decision to cut off people who abused your child. gently caress them. Burn that bridge and salt the earth around it.
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Sep 7, 2021 21:39
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On that note, why is your wife second guessing your decision to cut these people out?
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Sep 7, 2021 21:48
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Ziv Zulander posted:On that note, why is your wife second guessing your decision to cut these people out? I don't want to paint her in a bad light, she's just very attached to the idea that family is family and you can't just throw them away. Her parents had a similar situation when she was growing up so she only had one half of the family and I think it hit her kinda hard.
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Sep 7, 2021 21:50
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teen witch posted:Your stepdad hit your child. You are well far and beyond “qualified” to post here. Do not feel an ounce of guilt doing so
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Sep 7, 2021 21:50
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Ghostnuke posted:I don't want to paint her in a bad light, she's just very attached to the idea that family is family and you can't just throw them away. Her parents had a similar situation when she was growing up so she only had one half of the family and I think it hit her kinda hard. You might tell her that's all well and good for her and her family, and that you might let the past slide if only talking about yourself, but your first duty (second, third, ad infinitum) as a parent is to protect your child from the same abuse you suffered at the hands of these people. This isn't "letting the past go" this is present tense, currently happening bullshit. Imagined fucked around with this message at 22:01 on Sep 7, 2021 |
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Sep 7, 2021 21:57
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The cutoff line for me, with one side of my extended family, was when my 8 year old was too old to look for Easter eggs with my cousins. I haven't seen most of them in 5 years. My mom took my unvaccinated kids to a restaurant to eat breakfast, when I told her that would make me uncomfortable, and she didn't get to see them for 8 months. She's on sleepover timeouts until everyone is vaccinated. You are absolutely well within reason to cut them off, holy poo poo. Maybe check out /justnomil or /justnofamily on Reddit; the resources I found there helped me with sticking to my guns on what's best for my family, even if it means cutting out toxic people. Best of luck to you.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:06
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Imagined posted:You might tell her that's all well and good for her and her family, and that you might let the past slide if only talking about yourself, but your first duty (second, third, ad infinitum) as a parent is to protect your child from the same abuse you suffered at the hands of these people. This isn't "letting the past go" this is present tense, currently happening bullshit. If you've ever toned down or avoided telling her stories about your childhood nows the time to give her the full picture. If she's operating from a view she may have of "oh they weren't that interested in me, not supportive" but doesn't know they actively physically abused you that could change her point of view. If she has the full picture and is still pressuring you to reconcile then she should look into therapy about whatever is carrying over from her childhood. More family is not better than bad, abusive family.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:09
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I really appreciate the responses everyone. Going to see if I can get the wife on board tonight.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:27
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Ghostnuke posted:I agree with you all entirely, it would be an easy decision in a vacuum. It helps that other family members have had trouble with them too, so I wouldn't be entirely alone in the extended family. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out in my office seeing everyone's support, so I must be getting some catharsis. We're here for you. None of this is easy, but don't beat yourself up over any of it. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from harm in the future. Like Relentless said above, blood ain't poo poo. Family is the people you trust and who want good things for you.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:30
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Ghostnuke posted:I really appreciate the responses everyone. Going to see if I can get the wife on board tonight. Good luck. She knows he hit your child, right? Like...no level of loving tender care he could offer as a pop-pop could be worth that What she wants for your child is the extended family she didn't get to have, but she isn't going to find that in your family, unfortunately.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:33
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From the perspective of the spouse of someone whose husband deals with the poo poo family: I have always respected my husband's decisions regarding the amount of contact he does or doesn't have with his family. However, that ends if any of them a) scream at our son or b) lay a single finger on him in anyway that isn't loving. That is the day poo poo becomes no contact, no matter what. He agrees with me on this stance, but I think I was the one who first laid it out bluntly. If your wife isn't on board with no contact after HER child was hit, the two of you may want to seek some counseling, both together and apart. I agree with the other person who said she may be holding on to some stuff from her childhood because a kid's health and safety is paramount over "family," and parents need to recognize that. Not trying to say either of you are bad parents or anything, just that sometimes to do what's right, we have to recognize our own feelings and experiences.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:34
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Hell, it sounds like you've tried to give them a chance to be good grandparents and they haven't been. Sometimes people can be abysmal, abusive parents but end up having a much better relationship with their grandkids bc they have less responsibility and have changed in the time since, but this doesn't seem to be the case. At this point, it's better for your kids to have no paternal grandparents than it is to have them be around people willing to abuse them.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:40
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Avoid r/justnomil, as it's moderated to encourage fantastical storytelling. r/justnofamily is better.
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Sep 7, 2021 22:41
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StrangersInTheNight posted:Good luck. She knows he hit your child, right?
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Sep 7, 2021 23:29
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My grandpa always yelled at me to SPEAK UP because he was losing his hearing but didn't want to admit it and blamed everyone around him, and now that's my main lingering memory of him. Just the spike of anxiety as I'd say something to him and he'd scream SPEAK UP!!!!! into my face. Then he'd finally register whatever benign statement and YELL (bc he couldn't hear himself his volume regulation was WAY off) some super conservative horrible bullshit in response. Personally I'd rather just not have met him, than have Memories of an rear end in a top hat, if that counts for anything in this discussion. StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at 23:36 on Sep 7, 2021 |
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Sep 7, 2021 23:34
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StrangersInTheNight posted:Good luck. She knows he hit your child, right? Yeah, I don't know your wife or her situation, but that she's still pulling for contact with the family of child abusers who hit her child is really 
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Sep 7, 2021 23:44
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Ha I was JUST telling my wife that I've noticed my dad is getting deaf, but "At least he's doing the smile and nod deafness and not the angry WHY'S EVERYBODY MUMBLING ALL THE TIME deafness."
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Sep 7, 2021 23:45
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Imagined posted:Ha I was JUST telling my wife that I've noticed my dad is getting deaf, but "At least he's doing the smile and nod deafness and not the angry WHY'S EVERYBODY MUMBLING ALL THE TIME deafness." Oh I'm so glad for you. I know a lot of people like to give old folks a pass for this sorta thing because, y'know, infirmity. Mental capacities diminish and it can feel awkward holding people responsible when there are questions of their capacity to even understand their own behavior. But IMO, if you've got no dementia-related brain issues, then how gracefully you handle the realities of aging are a reflection of your character. If you refuse to admit you can't hear anymore and make it everyone else's problem to accommodate you, you were probably a big rear end in a top hat most of your life who was used to getting his way.
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Sep 8, 2021 00:07
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Sisal Two-Step posted:Yeah, I don't know your wife or her situation, but that she's still pulling for contact with the family of child abusers who hit her child is really I don't want to give that impression at all. She's just being cautious about doing something that can't be undone, which I'm all for.
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Sep 8, 2021 00:10
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Ghostnuke posted:I don't want to give that impression at all. She's just being cautious about doing something that can't be undone, which I'm all for. You know what else can’t be undone? Your daughter being hit by an adult in her life. Drop them like it’s hot.
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Sep 8, 2021 00:13
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KitConstantine posted:More family is not better than bad, abusive family. Gotta echo this one. I much rather wish I hadn't spent any time with my lovely family member at all rather than have to undo the damage they'd made by being in my life. Sincere good luck talking with your wife.
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Sep 8, 2021 00:20
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Ghostnuke posted:I don't want to give that impression at all. She's just being cautious about doing something that can't be undone, which I'm all for. It can probably be undone. Flip back to the beginning of this thread and there are pages of quotes from parents who detail the vast amount of time and effort they spend trying to get back into their children's lives. Reconciliation is probably going to be an option for a long time. Or to put it more strongly: Abusers need victims much more than the victims need abusers. You also don't need to burn the bridges yourself. You can be polite but firm when you cut (or reduce) contact, and that's probably the better choice.
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Sep 8, 2021 00:26
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Im not sure that's true for the men - isn't it mostly mothers who are trying to maintain the abusive parent relationships? Also, if you changed your mind you might well have to do it apologetically - because they'll (probably) think it was your fault and won't accept any responsibility for what drove you to do it. One thing to watch out for is if these people have similar minded brothers/sisters etc is that they might lie about why you cut them out, and that part of the family might start to gang up on you. I don't think it would be too severe of a response though.. they must've known you wouldn't have wanted them hitting your kid but they didn't care. Why bother seeing what they do next. (I'm assuming that didn't all result in a calm/supportive conversation about how you would've wanted them to handle it instead)
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Sep 8, 2021 08:00
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mudskipp posted:Im not sure that's true for the men - isn't it mostly mothers who are trying to maintain the abusive parent relationships? Also, if you changed your mind you might well have to do it apologetically - because they'll (probably) think it was your fault and won't accept any responsibility for what drove you to do it. Every situation is different, but going back is usually very easy. Staying in "no contact" is the challenge. I've been going back and re-reading the start of the thread, and it's full of abusive mothers spending years trying to get back in contact with their children, and stories from the children about repeatedly letting the abusive parents back into their lives (and then regretting it). It is some amazing reading.
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Sep 8, 2021 09:50
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Ghostnuke posted:I don't want to give that impression at all. She's just being cautious about doing something that can't be undone, which I'm all for. How does your daughter feel about her grandparents? Does she want to see them? How is she handling that he hit her? What about your other kids? How do they feel about them? One thing that might help with your wife is think about what you are unconsciously saying to your daughter if you maintain this relationship - that her parents are okay with her being abused by them, even once. She might stop trusting you and telling you things because well, getting hit by someone you love doesn't have consequences.
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Sep 8, 2021 10:56
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Imagined posted:Ha I was JUST telling my wife that I've noticed my dad is getting deaf, but "At least he's doing the smile and nod deafness and not the angry WHY'S EVERYBODY MUMBLING ALL THE TIME deafness." One thing my Dad did re. my Nonno before the latter died which really pissed me off was telling me repeatedly (in the face of Nonno's deafness) was 'No, there's no point in transcribing what's being said on a tablet so he can read it and then respond as opposed to withdrawing from everyday conversation', then me doing it once out of the blue and we had a big conversation about... stuff, as opposed to him going to a newspaper. That really made me angry.
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Sep 8, 2021 10:58
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nashona posted:How does your daughter feel about her grandparents? Does she want to see them? How is she handling that he hit her? What about your other kids? How do they feel about them? I talked to my daughter about it last night, she doesn't even remember it (or at least that's what she said, she's 6). My wife is onboard now, I had her read the thread. I don't think she was aware of all the things that happened to me growing up. One thing that super blew my mind though - she mentioned that her parents didn't hit her. I 100% legit thought that your parents hitting you was just something that happened to everyone. I guess I normalized it?
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Sep 8, 2021 13:02
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Ghostnuke posted:I talked to my daughter about it last night, she doesn't even remember it (or at least that's what she said, she's 6). My wife is onboard now, I had her read the thread. I don't think she was aware of all the things that happened to me growing up. One thing that super blew my mind though - she mentioned that her parents didn't hit her. It is not, and being hit as a kid is thankfully dying out, minus the walking red flags that are those who “got hit as a kid and turned out fine”
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Sep 8, 2021 13:24
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Ghostnuke posted:I 100% legit thought that your parents hitting you was just something that happened to everyone. I guess I normalized it? The worst I got was the occasional dope-slap which me and brother could return to our own parents. People should not hit kids.
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Sep 8, 2021 13:27
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Ghostnuke posted:I 100% legit thought that your parents hitting you was just something that happened to everyone. I guess I normalized it? No, it does not happen to everyone, and even most people who got spanked were not abused to the frequency or degree which you described.
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Sep 8, 2021 13:35
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Ghostnuke posted:I 100% legit thought that your parents hitting you was just something that happened to everyone. I guess I normalized it? My dad spanked me once when I was in elementary school (I have no memory of what I did) and my mom had a blowout fight with him about it and it never happened again. My dad isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination and definitely has anger problems but to his credit, the only person he's laid hands on since then has been his own younger brother (my uncle), who is a drunk rear end in a top hat that typically throws the first punch. It's a low bar to set but we've got to start somewhere.
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Sep 8, 2021 13:36
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Ghostnuke posted:I 100% legit thought that your parents hitting you was just something that happened to everyone. I guess I normalized it? So did I. I assumed for many years that this was normal parenting behaviour and that every kid I knew got smacked around by their parents whenever they did anything even slightly wrong. Finding out other kids didn't get disciplined the same way was a real eye-opener.
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Sep 8, 2021 14:07
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CuwiKhons posted:My dad spanked me once when I was in elementary school (I have no memory of what I did) and my mom had a blowout fight with him about it and it never happened again. My dad isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination and definitely has anger problems but to his credit, the only person he's laid hands on since then has been his own younger brother (my uncle), who is a drunk rear end in a top hat that typically throws the first punch. It's a low bar to set but we've got to start somewhere. that's one of the dumbest things about it. if I try to think back on what I did to "deserve" a lot of that, I don't even know. I didn't learn a thing other than do whatever I can to not make them mad.
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Sep 8, 2021 14:09
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