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I got spanked as a kid, “and I turned out ok”. Would I spank my kids? Probably not but I’ve felt like poo poo the two times I’ve physically punished dogs, and also it wasn’t helpful. I do remember my mom gleefully signing the “you can spank my kid” form in elementary school being like “welp you better behave then”. Regardless if I personally spanked my kids I would absolutely not allow someone else to, who knows what sort of force they would use, how many times, when they would find it appropriate, etc. loving boomers. Not a punishment but when my sister was a teen in the late 90s at church camp they put a bunch of kids in the back of a little uhaul trailer in the Texas summer and drove around to illustrate “what hell is like.” Now that I look back on it as an adult I would burn every adult alive who thought that was a good idea to do to my kid. Like what the gently caress.
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Sep 9, 2021 06:05
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Apparently spanking died out in schools quickly when the kids realised they can just pretend to enjoy it.
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Sep 9, 2021 06:35
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Oh loving poo poo, you reminded me of when it became a thing to tell other kids that parents will stop spanking you if you laugh through it and a family friend tried it and it did not go well
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Sep 9, 2021 06:56
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I was spanked now and again when I was in single digit ages, but I suspect it died out because my dad eventually realized it would always take the situation from whatever comparatively mundane annoyance or frustration (and no, I have no memory or assurance as to whether these situations were even severe enough to demand it in the first place) to "I am now full blown screaming and crying and wailing because weirdly enough it's a very upsetting experience and I don't like it one bit!" And echoing what somebody mentioned upthread, the one thing I DO remember was the sickening sense of betrayal and disgust towards him.
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Sep 9, 2021 09:46
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John Murdoch posted:the sickening sense of betrayal this is it, in a nutshell. and then comes the disgusting part where the abuser comes to you (at least in my family), where ever you're hiding, and tries to make you feel better about the beating they just gave you.
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Sep 9, 2021 13:35
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One of the earliest memories I have is of my mum screaming at me as she dragged me across the loungeroom floor and twisted my feet in opposite directions. This was in response to me doing a forward roll and misjudging how close I was to the combustion fire, so as I came out of the roll my feet broke clean through the glass pane on the door. Somehow I didn't slice my feet up and the fire wasn't lit, but my mum lost her poo poo because I'd broken the fireplace. I couldn't have been older than 3 or 4 years old at the time. I've got a lot of other memories of being physically punished for things that I mostly don't remember, and all I think it really taught me was how to be a more convincing liar.
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Sep 9, 2021 13:50
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i wish my father would start a physical fight with me. it would be really cathartic (because i would win), but apparently he is too much of a coward so he only abuses his dog now
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Sep 9, 2021 14:32
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bee posted:I've got a lot of other memories of being physically punished for things that I mostly don't remember, and all I think it really taught me was how to be a more convincing liar. Yeah, my parents didn't lay hands on me when I was a teenager but (tamely) decided to ground me for everything. I have no idea what I did to warrant being grounded for 3/4 of my teenage life but I missed dances and was pulled off my extracurriculars. I just learned to sneak out because no one was going to take my role as Background Actor #3 in The Tempest god dammit. I also assumed I was always grounded/in trouble so I never really invited people over or went out. I picked up WoW because of it. I just remembered when I was physically assaulted by teachers they LIED to my parents and told them I joined "chess club" (which doesn't exist) instead of being locked in a closet after school for hours. I try to make jokes about "coming out of the closet" as an adult but honestly the sustained closet imprisonment almost every day after school made me feel like loving Matilda and hosed me up worse than the slapping/kicking/dragging. The school was REALLY into public punishment so the closet door had a little window (it was the coatroom closet for the teacher's lounge), no A/C in the tropics, and students were permitted to peer in at me as a cautionary tale, but I was never allowed to turn around and look at the window or out the window. I'd be punished more if I did. I guess that's what really did it for me. I never really grew up properly. Just closet after school for 5 years between ages 6 or 8 to 11 and punishment if I talked to the other kids. I don't know why I typed all that, I guess I'm hoping someone else commiserates.  It was the mid-90's, so I'm pretty sure people knew better then.Rutibex posted:i wish my father would start a physical fight with me. it would be really cathartic (because i would win), but apparently he is too much of a coward so he only abuses his dog now JFC. The lowest of the low. Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 14:40 on Sep 9, 2021 |
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Sep 9, 2021 14:37
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A weird vivid memory I have of middle school is a friend of mine being dragged out of a classroom by her hair, during class time, by her mom. I knew then that her mom was “mean” and her dad was sort of fruitless in stemming it, but the very public act of abuse was bizarre to us kids (and the young teacher who was like “what the gently caress”) This was 04, 05 maybe? She was such a nice girl, just going through teenage poo poo y’know? she mouthed off to teachers, but all of us kids did in MS and HS. I just creeped on IG now and she looks to be so happy with her kid, living the life she wants to. I do hope that is so true for her, she so sorely deserves it.
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Sep 9, 2021 14:51
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My mom spanked me once or twice but I get the sense that it was because she was taught it was the only way to properly discipline/parent. I think she saw how counterproductive it was, how bad it made her feel, and its impact on me, and stopped. Good job mommy.
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Sep 9, 2021 15:47
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I remember when I was 8-9 years old in (American) karate class, an older kid I looked up to who was a red belt (just before black) and was only ever with his dad, was dragged out of the class that night out of nowhere by his mom while we did kata. She was screaming saying, “He’s mine and he’s coming with me”. I just remember my friend kicking and crying. I don’t remember what his dad did about it, he was generally a nice guy but my he used to go with my dad to the cabaret right next to the strip mall where the dojo was while I was in class. I didn’t see him for about a month and when he showed up again to karate, he didn’t talk about it and it was like it never happened. I imagine his dad told my parents something about the situation but I never knew really what it was. It was sad to me, even at that age because at the time my family life was stable.
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Sep 9, 2021 16:46
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I remember getting slapped on the arm, exactly once, when I was maybe kindergarten age, because I Did Not want to go to bed and was being, well, a child having a tantrum about it. Kindergarten age for me would've been very late 90s. All it did was pivot the screaming towards arguing whether or not the slap was strong enough to hurt (of course it did), which still strikes me as a bizarre move on dad's part. It was of course wrong for my dad to do but I also don't think I have any trauma about it. I've heard enough 'if you think you turned out fine despite getting hit then you didn't turn out fine' to doubt myself about it but like... Man idk. Maybe what I experienced doesn't count as getting hit then?
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Sep 9, 2021 16:56
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CuwiKhons posted:Yeah that's pretty much the entire issue with spanking in general - if the kid is too young for them to understand what they did wrong when you try to explain it, they're too young to connect "I did this bad thing" to "I got spanked for it." It's like hitting your dog when you come home to find they peed on the floor because you left them alone in the house for 12 hours. The dog does not remember peeing on the floor and no, shoving their nose into it doesn't remind them. All they know is that you yelled and hit them. Obviously kids and dogs are not exactly the same but if your kid is old enough and intelligent enough to understand if you have a conversation with them about what they did wrong, then you're going to get WAY better results from doing that than using violence. EDIT: Also not to misrepresent my parents, mostly my childhood punishments were things like time outs, grounding from shared computer time, even taking my books away a few times when I was really naughty because that was my preferred form of recreation, it wasn't like it was spank'o'clock. I just wanted to share my experiences as someone who got spanked and why even with otherwise good parenting I feel it was developmentally harmful and not something to repeat with my hypothetical kids. PetraCore fucked around with this message at 17:03 on Sep 9, 2021 |
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Sep 9, 2021 16:59
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When I was 4, I stayed up past lights-out to read a book on oceanography. I got spanked by a belt for this. I have never forgiven my father for that. It wasn't the only time I was spanked, usually by a belt, but the most egregious. Anyone else ever get their mouth literally washed out with soap for dirty talk? This one is sort of funny. I was watching Hollywood Squares. The question was, "True or false: dolphins sleep with one eye open?" Someone, probably Paul Lynde, said, "True, just like Greek soldiers." The audience goes wild, so of course I run into the other room and repeat the joke. Sure enough, I get hauled off to the sink, bar of soap lathered, but the funny part is my father is shouting, "there won't be any ethnic jokes in this house!" (I come from a white dad/Hispanic mom.) But being a fan of mythology and the like, I hear it as "Athenic jokes" and wonder why it's so bad to tell jokes specifically about Greeks. My father was a very intelligent and educated man, and I think I suffered worse punishments than my sister because, in addition to being a boy, I had the same sort of intellectual gifts he had, and every time I screwed up in his eyes he saw a very direct disappointment or squandered potential. But he never lived to see my ADHD diagnosis, or my major depression diagnosis, or my success in business, or my marriage, or my daughter, or all those things that either explained why I acted those ways or the ways I rose above my disabilities. But the pattern repeated. I found myself frustrated every time my daughter (who is herself extraordinarily bright) did something "wrong", where wrong = failing to follow the rules or making one iota less of herself than possible. But gentle discipline and readily-expressed love is a much better way to raise a kid -- to be fair, I did spank her once with a single swat when she was young, when she was about to do something immediately dangerous and I knew she needed solid discouragement -- and now she's a successful young woman thriving at an Ivy League college with whom I have a loving relationship. If I had applied the lessons I learned growing up, I could easily be the NC/LC parent wondering what's going on with my kid
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Sep 9, 2021 17:03
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PetraCore posted:The weird thing is my dad and mom always carefully explained what I had done wrong, why that was dangerous if it was dangerous, talked me through how my actions made other people feel, etc. Your version sounds like some weird type of Confession where you go in, talk to the priest about your sins, and then instead of 10 Hail Marys and 20 Our Fathers it's flagellation time!
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Sep 9, 2021 17:10
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Admiralty Flag posted:Anyone else ever get their mouth literally washed out with soap for dirty talk? oh man, this just resurfaced another one for me. I don't know why but I got a bunch of hot sauce in the mouth once, I remember it sucking quite mightily. that was my babysitter though, so not sure that counts
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Sep 9, 2021 17:46
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double post for a new twist: I just asked both of my brothers if they ever got hit, they both said no. I guess I was special
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Sep 9, 2021 19:33
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Ghostnuke posted:double post for a new twist: ...do they remember you getting hit? People not admitting that stuff out loud because it would mean admitting it to themselves isn't the most common reaction, but it does happen.
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Sep 9, 2021 19:44
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I'm 10 years older than the next oldest, I doubt they'd remember
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Sep 9, 2021 19:51
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One of my earliest memories was of me in my family's first house in a teeny tiny village in the middle of loving nowhere. I was always so anxious to be alone. I was terrified that if my parents left they'd be gone forever. Some days my sister would be at a friend's house and my dad would be at work, and my mom would run an errand - to visit a neighbor or run to a store, or who knows, and leave me in the house. I doubt she was very far and I doubt it was very long but I was a kid and everywhere felt far and any amount of time felt like forever. We moved from that house when I was 4 so I couldn't have been older than that. Anyway when she'd leave I'd get more and more anxious, and eventually I'd have a crying panic breakdown, screaming for her at the door, too scared to leave the house, just crying and screaming. And I remember this because one day she set up our answering machine to record me, then stepped out. When she came back, she played the recording for me, I guess to shame me for making so much noise and probably upsetting neighbors. I remember being terrified of the sound of it - it was really upsetting to listen to, distorted and loud. I guess that must've stopped the behavior tho because I don't remember it happening again. She didn't often get creative with consequences - normally it was a spanking, a time out, or both. But it sucks that's one of my first memories. And it sucks that she knew I was anxious, she knew I was always worried - my family even called me a "worry wart," but never thought I might need help. That maybe there was something diagnosable wrong with me. I wish I'd got help for that sooner. Instead my mom thought she could just, freeze me out of it. Not respond so as not to "encourage" it. My childhood was like one long still face experiment that never resolved.
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Sep 9, 2021 20:19
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Rat Patrol posted:One of my earliest memories was of me in my family's first house in a teeny tiny village in the middle of loving nowhere. I was always so anxious to be alone. I was terrified that if my parents left they'd be gone forever. Some days my sister would be at a friend's house and my dad would be at work, and my mom would run an errand - to visit a neighbor or run to a store, or who knows, and leave me in the house. I doubt she was very far and I doubt it was very long but I was a kid and everywhere felt far and any amount of time felt like forever. We moved from that house when I was 4 so I couldn't have been older than that.  That’s loving horrifying
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Sep 9, 2021 20:38
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Im on my phone so sorry i cant post much. But i was beaten as a kid and its one of the reasons why I stutter still in my early 30s. Dad passed away and while i hate him for doing that poo poo to me when i was younger. My mom (who i dont talk to anymore) claims i wasnt spanked or hit enough. Im ok now. College degree and degrees in my belt for self defense. Dont beat your kids.
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Sep 9, 2021 20:51
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I'm really sorry to hear about the stuff everyone went through. Its maybe a little stupid but I wish I could give everyone a hug today. I know I sound wishy washy but my heart is broken over the stories of everyone in here.
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Sep 9, 2021 21:43
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Rat Patrol posted:One of my earliest memories was of me in my family's first house in a teeny tiny village in the middle of loving nowhere. I was always so anxious to be alone. I was terrified that if my parents left they'd be gone forever. Some days my sister would be at a friend's house and my dad would be at work, and my mom would run an errand - to visit a neighbor or run to a store, or who knows, and leave me in the house. I doubt she was very far and I doubt it was very long but I was a kid and everywhere felt far and any amount of time felt like forever. We moved from that house when I was 4 so I couldn't have been older than that. Yikes. It can be really distressing for kids in general to be left alone like that, but if you have high anxiety at that age, most parents should take notice and at least realize that their kid wasn’t responding normally. My parents went to a wedding at a hotel one night when I was about 8, a Wyndham I think, and we were staying there for the night so they got a room. They took me, but not to the wedding—they left me in the hotel room all by myself with like zero things to do, making the time drag on and on even worse. Before they left they told me they’d be back at like 10pm, and I took their word as gospel. At some point I fell asleep and when I woke up it was way later and they weren’t back yet. I freaked the gently caress out and was still freaking out when they finally came back, drunk. What did my dad do? He minimized the gently caress out of it and told me I was being dramatic. Neither of them apologized for telling me one thing and doing another, not even when they sobered up the next day. There’s a reason I remember stuff like this from so long ago.
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Sep 9, 2021 21:53
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I got spanked a lot as a kid. And after the yardstick broke over the back of my legs, my mom switched to those plastic wall corner guards. No breaking those! I remember talking to my doctor about being hit (in the rare moment my mom was out of the room) and he said it only counted as abuse if they used a closed fist. gently caress everything.
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Sep 9, 2021 22:04
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Waffle! posted:I got spanked a lot as a kid. And after the yardstick broke over the back of my legs, my mom switched to those plastic wall corner guards. No breaking those! He might have been lying about that. Whether that was true or not, I can see lots of people telling a kid to just put up with it because they believe the alternative could be worse than the abuse. If it goes to criminal prosecution that is going to blow up your life whether your parents are convicted or not. In foster care a 'pretty good' home is one where they see you as a meal ticket and maybe free labour. Some kids end up in juvie because there aren't enough placements for them. Once you're in the system you're risking abuse not just from adults but from the older kids in the system with you. Psychopaths were once children too, and you might end up sharing a bedroom with one. It isn't always horrific of course, but even in the best circumstances you're carrying your clothes around in garbage bags while you bounce between strangers who don't love you. Everything is terrible.
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Sep 9, 2021 23:44
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I mentioned I didn't get beaten up that much because I delved into supreme people pleaser mode, but my sister didn't. She went the opposite, the more they hit her the worse she got, and the more they hit her. It became easily a weekly thing, tensions built until a huge screaming fight between her and my mom broke out, which ended in her getting spanked for crying. Worst was when she took a meat tenderize to her because obviously the wooden spoon wasn't effective. Well guess what, turns out my sister had BPD and all the violence was making her mental illness worse. All my poo poo came later, when I was mid to late teens and we moved to the city where I met people who actually liked me and I started making real friends and finally wanting to be social and out of the house. They'd gotten so used to me being easily controlled and monitored, they didn't want to lose that, so I started being grounded for a full month for minor things like walking in the door a minute after curfew, which was 8 pm. It wasn't so bad when I was in school, because I could see my friends there. Then I got this crush on this boy that was almost overwhelming. I was obsessed lol. He liked me too so we agreed to date, and that made the whole "our kid is out of control" even worse. My mom was a firm believer of the old trope that girls are attracted to men like their fathers, so she assumed he was going to be a violent controlling abuser. He and his friends did a stunt one day where they researched how stuntmen set themselves on fire and tried it out. No one was hurt, it was a typical dumb teenage boy thing, i didn't think it was anything I really needed to hide from anyone so I told my sister about it. I ended up with a photo from their set of pics, one where you could see sort of see his face, and my mom found it. I think my sister snitched, I don't remember telling my mom about it. At any rate, that event proved even more in her mind that I'd end up murdered by this guy someday. So I was banned from seeing him It wasn't so bad while we were in school, we'd skip classes and go hang out together at the mall or just ride city busses around for a few hours. But then I graduated and it was summer, and you know the rest if you've read the thread because I've told the next part like a million times. Another big thing with her was catastrophizing everything. Like, she wasn't just mad I was a minute late for curfew, she'd scream at me that I made her worry I was dead. She once found me laying on my floor listening to music on headphones and assumed I had committed suicide. She stole my sleeping pills to keep me from killing myself, which I didn't want to, I just wanted to stop falling asleep in class because I had a disorder (still do) and don't sleep at night. She accused me of an eating disorder any time I went pee after a meal. She wanted to call the cops anytime my boyfriend dropped presents or letters off for me when I was basically imprisoned. I mentioned once that I wished blue roses existed. He searched the entire city for dyed blue roses and left them on my doorstep. 16 year old boy. She threatened to have him arrested. My God, I can't even believe any of that poo poo loving happened. What a sick joke. I can't wait for my husband to get home from work. Still with him 22 years later. He saved me. I love him so much. Gotta go cry some happy tears for a bit 
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Sep 10, 2021 00:07
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hugs for everyone, all our parents are garbage
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Sep 10, 2021 02:17
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It's not a great defense but I often think about how incredibly, unbelievably young my parents were. My mom was loving 17 years old when she got pregnant with me. Still in high school. My son wasn't even born until I was 34. My mom could've been a grandmother at 34 if I'd turned around and had a kid at the same age she did. Like, holy poo poo. By the time my son was born, I'd had a full adult life already by the standards of most of human history. My mom, by contrast, had been out of childhood for about 30 seconds.
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Sep 10, 2021 02:34
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life is killing me posted:
My mum was also very young when I was born and their marriage was a bit tempestuous. Combined with unhealthy drinking it made for a pretty chaotic and volatile time. I live with my mother now and it's completely different, largely because she can't drink alcohol any more. If she ever took it up again, I'd leave.
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Sep 10, 2021 02:37
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It often frustrates me to think about the fact that my parents were considered quite old by the time I was born. She was 37, he was 36. I was the last of 4 kids: there was my sister, then my eldest brother 2 years later, my other brother another 2 years after, then EIGHT YEARS LATER I arrived. They absolutely had plenty of time before I came along to get the parenting thing down pat and have no loving excuses for how lovely they were at it.
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Sep 10, 2021 02:48
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My parents were in their early 40s when they had me; my siblings were 16 months, 12, and 18.5 when I showed up, so it was like two families. The two older kids didn't seem to be around much when I was growing up (eldest was in another city altogether) and I think because my brother and I were almost certainly surprises, my parents were kind of OVER having kids. It didn't help that my mother went into menopause when I was little so she was dealing with that on top of having two small kids around. She had horrendous undiagnosed depression and anxiety which probably hit me the worst. I remember her pacing around and looking out the front door when my brother was out late in the evening (not LATE late, just around twilight) to the point where I fled to my room in a panic attack. Looking back now, I can see that I was having panic attacks pretty young off and on, which was at its worst from ages 17-23 and only got better when I was in grad school and basically walked into Student Health and threw myself on the floor sobbing because I couldn't function anymore. I got spanked once in school (grade one) for something I didn't do intentionally; thank Christ they didn't call home about it. (I'm Gen X age, for context) I got spanked at home sometimes, also struck across the face once and slapped on the legs, all by my dad. I remember him booting my brother in the rear end once for slamming the car door in an insolent manner. I think the last time was when I was 11 or so. I hated my dad for years which my mother continually held against me; it didn't help that a teacher overheard me saying that and called the house to find out why. I know the teacher meant well but that really affected my relationship with my mother for a long time. Mom never told my dad about it because she said it would kill him and he didn't deserve that and I was just an awful hateful bitch. She (mother, not teacher) spent most of her time being quietly weepy in her chair (wearing sunglasses indoors to hide her red eyes) and absolutely spiralling with worry over anything and everything. Once in a while she would have angry outbursts which she would then feign ignorance about; I remember her kicking my bedroom door hard enough that the doorknob left a hole in the wall. Much later she noticed the hole and asked what had happened, I told her she'd done it and she affected to not know anything about it. (she also once let my brother hit me across the face hard enough to knock my glasses down the length of the hallway but apparently that never happened either). Her depression and anxiety kind of set off my dad too; he would get fed up with her and they'd argue, which was fun. I never ever felt like they had my backs, or would stand up for me. I had a teacher who bullied me to the point where my eldest sibling was going to go the school and talk to him, but my mother talked them out of it. It's like our parents were zero-tolerance on us kids being snarky or willful but also wouldn't stand up for us either. By the time we were older teenagers, they were a lot better, to the point where my friends would envy me having such loving and kind parents; they didn't understand me scoffing at these comments and probably just thought I was being a teenaged rear end in a top hat. I got along with my parents once I was an adult; my dad died when I was in grad school and my mother never recovered from it, which is a whole other thing. I still remember them mainly with love, although after having written all that out I'm not shocked that I never had kids and never ever wanted any. The two oldest siblings understand part of it, like Dad's temper and Mom's depression/anxiety, but I don't think they quite get how bad it was and maybe they tell themselves that we were much worse kids than they were (god knows I constantly heard how awful I was compared to my loving, perfect, and obedient older sister). Strict and/or hair-trigger parents just create kids who are better liars. Considering they were born in the late1920s they weren't very well-equipped to deal with a couple of snotty Gen X kids, but still.
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Sep 10, 2021 04:48
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StrixNebulosa posted:I'm afraid I don't know what that is. Could you educate me on some forums lore I missed? crap sorry, that was a BFC failure story I got my lore mixed up. Blue Story in the SAclopedia has the details
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Sep 10, 2021 14:13
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My mom was in her mid-30's when she had me and I'm an only child. Some of her shittiness towards me stems from "I had you SO LATE, I could've had NO KIDS, do you know about the HEALTH RISKS OF HAVING YOU you're a SPECIAL MIRACLE BABY now stop dressing like a slut and make more money at your job" Did you know - if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them? WILD.
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Sep 10, 2021 14:16
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it sucks when parents resent their kids just for being born. like, nobody asked me bitch? I would've said no!
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Sep 10, 2021 14:39
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Lieutenant Dan posted:My mom was in her mid-30's when she had me and I'm an only child. Some of her shittiness towards me stems from "I had you SO LATE, I could've had NO KIDS, do you know about the HEALTH RISKS OF HAVING YOU you're a SPECIAL MIRACLE BABY now stop dressing like a slut and make more money at your job" I wish someone would fund one of those airplanes that carry the huge banners behind them to fly over the united states 24 hours a day with that on the banner.
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Sep 10, 2021 17:16
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life is killing me posted:What did my dad do? He minimized the gently caress out of it and told me I was being dramatic. Neither of them apologized for telling me one thing and doing another, not even when they sobered up the next day. Yeah that sounds right. My mom is a lot better now that all the kids are grown and she's in a more financially and emotionally secure place, and I think in her own way she's trying to make up for it, but I know she'll never ever admit that maybe some of the poo poo she did was hosed up. I'll never bring that memory up to her because at worst she'd deny it ever happened (which she does to my sister sometimes) or minimize it like OH for pETE'S SAKE it wasn't even that bad and I needed you to stop yelling. My mother is real good at reverse engineering very good reasons for why she made the choices she made.
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Sep 10, 2021 17:26
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Been said before, but it really shows how generations of people had it hammered into them that getting married and having kids was just thing thing you did, regardless of whether you wanted to.
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Sep 10, 2021 17:34
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My parents relationship showed me you don't just get married because one member of the relationship got the other pregnant (it's me, I was the "born a tad early" baby). Spoilers: They are way happier now in their 50s, divorced and with other people.
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Sep 10, 2021 17:37
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It's actually not cute to have a baby just so it can play with your friend's babies. Yeah you were all best friends growing up, that doesn't mean you all should pop a few kids out to try and replicate that experience.
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Sep 10, 2021 19:16
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