r/relationships: i calmly said its temporary (its permanent)

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: i calmly said its temporary (its permanent)

keep punching joe: Jan 22, 2006; Die Satan!

Soylent Pudding posted:

AITA for suggesting my fianc� get a second job?

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I thought the entire purpose of marriage was to combine assets, debts, and incomes, and live the rest of your life as a partnership.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:46

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 16:04

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Obviously her demands are unreasonable. I didn't think that needed to be said. Just because they're unreasonable doesn't mean that OP isn't the rear end in a top hat. He chose to share a bedroom with her, after all. Did OP not know about this beforehand? Had she been keeping it under wraps before then, or had he been ok with it for a while? Is this something that only started recently?

Like, I genuinely cannot imagine the scenario that led to this situation. If she had previously been able to sleep with the lights off, I cannot imagine why he wouldn't mention that, and if she had always been this way, his deciding to unilaterally change that on his terms is entirely the wrong approach.

He got sick and wanted to sleep in his own bed, and still left the bedside lamp on for her. I don�t understand why you think that is being an rear end in a top hat. She was asleep and not using the lights, and she could turn them on if she woke up and needed them.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:46

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

DorkusMalorkus posted:

This is something I don't really understand about Reddit. Cause unless you've changed every detail in the story, your friends would probably still recognize themselves if they came across this story. If it gets popular on Reddit, they might see it even if they aren't reading the relationships part, and they would know it was you who posted it even if under a throwaway. Hell sometimes these stories grow legs and get posted everywhere online and then you don't even have to go to reddit to come into contact with them. What's the point of trying for secrecy when you're posting details of your life online and asking for opinions about it?

The point isn't to make it so the friends wouldn't recognize the story, it's so that random third parties can't identify the friends. Reddit is a big place and unless your friends hang out specifically on r/relationships they're pretty unlikely to stumble across your story on their own. If you use a non-anonymous account or too many identifying details on any social media, though, an army of weird creeps will take it upon themselves to track down everyone you're talking about and make sure they know about it.

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 18:52 on Sep 13, 2021

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:49

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

therobit posted:

I can�t tell which partner you are talking about here. The fianc�e should get a second job if she wants to have assets, because without the financial assistance of her partner in cleaning up the mess that she made she wouldn�t be able to afford even her basic bills.

the guy trying to set up a prenup to protect his premarital assets consisting of *a house* and suggesting his fiancee work more jobs definitely comes off poorly. I guess you're right though, it would be better to just walk away than be than paternalistic and condescending

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Obviously her demands are unreasonable. I didn't think that needed to be said. Just because they're unreasonable doesn't mean that OP isn't the rear end in a top hat. He chose to share a bedroom with her, after all. Did OP not know about this beforehand? Had she been keeping it under wraps before then, or had he been ok with it for a while? Is this something that only started recently?

Like, I genuinely cannot imagine the scenario that led to this situation. If she had previously been able to sleep with the lights off, I cannot imagine why he wouldn't mention that, and if she had always been this way, his deciding to unilaterally change that on his terms is entirely the wrong approach.

people seem to expect their partner's massive incompatibilities to just vanish eventually. he probably thought she'd get over it after living there a while

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:50

Soylent Pudding: Jun 22, 2007; We've got people!

AITA for refusing to give my son his father's name?

quote:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I have a 4-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my second child, his first.

My daughter's bio father and I were engaged, when she was born, she took his last name. Shortly after, and in the folowing year, he decided he was tired of working and being an adult. He quit his job, starting "strategically investing it bitcoin", and when he lost all of his money, he started selling drugs behind my back. One day, I walked into the spare bedroom and he was smoking heroin. He broke down and told me everything, so I filed a protective order and left him.

He is not involved in my daughter's life, and hasn't been in over 3 years. However, he has fought me tooth and nail in court to avoid changing her surname.

My son, with my boyfriend, is due in 3 weeks. My boyfriend is the exact opposite of my ex and works incredibly hard to provide for us (as a team, I also work 2 jobs and I pay half the bills plus my daughter's care). However, he has been incredibly hands-off throughout my pregnancy. He has refused to attend dr's appointments with me, he's freaked out by the baby kicking. I did a 3D Ultrasound as a late birthday/father's day gift at 27 weeks, and he was taken aback. He said, "Don't ever do something like that again. He looks underdeveloped and it freaks me out."

Given all of that, a myriad of other factors, and the fact that he's vehemently opposed to the idea of getting married anytime soon, I've been, seriously questioning staying in this relationship anyway.

One thing he has kind of been obsessing over is the fact that the baby is a boy, and passing on his name. We picked a first name that I absolutely love, and he wants to give him his first name as his middle name, and his surname.

I have been going through this pregnancy virtually alone, and quite frankly, I have earned the right to name my baby over what he wants. So I brought this to him today; I will be naming our son with the first name we agreed on, my father's name as his middle name, and my last name. He didn't take it well at all; he immediately wanted to know why, and I told him how alone I've felt tnroughout this pregnancy, how little he has contributed, and how I don't want to be in another situation where my children don't share my last name.

He's now laying down in our bedroom, he has been for 4 hours, and won't say anything to me.

So AITA for "taking my son's paternal lineage away from him"? I know I'm going to be the primary, if not the sole, caretaker of this baby, and I don't to be the mom with 2 kids and 3 last names.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:52

The Maroon Hawk: May 10, 2008

What is with all the people with potentially lethal food allergies eating other people�s food without knowing what�s in it? Do they have a death wish?

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:52

Squashing Machine: Jul 5, 2005; I mean boning, the wild mambo, the hunka chunka

the relationships thread, where asking that your partner take responsibility for their crippling debt or compromise on blasting you directly in the face with a floodlight while they're unconscious and therefore unaware of the lumen level in the room is abuse

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:54

thekeeshman: Feb 21, 2007

The Maroon Hawk posted:

What is with all the people with potentially lethal food allergies eating other people�s food without knowing what�s in it? Do they have a death wish?

They were raiding her mini-fridge for more beer, they were probably drunk.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:55

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

Arsenic Lupin posted:

AITA for refusing to pay for my friend's EpiPen?

Maybe if you're deathly allergic to a food substance you shouldn't be drinking yourself into a state where you make decisions like this.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:57

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

forgetting you have a peanut allergy when you're drunk is not a recipe for a long life. Anyway, OP needs to stock her beer fridge exclusively with duclaw's peanut butter porter

(I hate that poo poo but a lot of people I know love it)

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:58

Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

I�d guess stoned in this specific case

# ? Sep 13, 2021 18:58

Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

Also I learned from big family and communal living during my first couple of years in the military to make your personal leftovers brutally spicy because most food thieves inexplicably will whine to you about it and tell on themselves.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:00

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

therobit posted:

He got sick and wanted to sleep in his own bed, and still left the bedside lamp on for her. I don�t understand why you think that is being an rear end in a top hat. She was asleep and not using the lights, and she could turn them on if she woke up and needed them.

He chose to share a bedroom with her, he has an established habit of turning off the light on her, and he, once again, decided to unilaterally shut off her light instead of, say, having a conversation about how he needs the bed and maybe she can take the office for a night.

Yes it would be a lot easier if she could just dial back her trauma/neurosis/whatever whenever it inconveniences her partner, but for some reason that doesn't happen. Maybe he just needs to badger her a little longer and she'll get over herself.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:03

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

deciding to unilaterally flip a light switch

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:08

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

He chose to share a bedroom with her, he has an established habit of turning off the light on her, and he, once again, decided to unilaterally shut off her light instead of, say, having a conversation about how he needs the bed and maybe she can take the office for a night.

Yes it would be a lot easier if she could just dial back her trauma/neurosis/whatever whenever it inconveniences her partner, but for some reason that doesn't happen. Maybe he just needs to badger her a little longer and she'll get over herself.

With this in mind she needs to be getting some sort of treatment and he needs to be moving to another bedroom or trying those blackout eye masks. And 'moving to another bedroom' could involve breaking up with her, but doesn't necessarily have to.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:08

The_Franz: Aug 8, 2003

SMEGMA_MAIL posted:

Also I learned from big family and communal living during my first couple of years in the military to make your personal leftovers brutally spicy because most food thieves inexplicably will whine to you about it and tell on themselves.

there was a classic ask a manager letter about this:

quote:

We have a fridge at work. Up to this point, nothing I had in it was stolen (I am quite new, and others have told me that this was a problem).

My food is always really, really spicy. I just love it that way. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk when my coworker came running out, having a hard time breathing. He then ran into the bathroom and started being sick. Turns out he ate my clearly labeled lunch. (It also was in a cooler lunch box to keeps it cold from work to home, as it�s a long drive.) There was nothing different about my lunch that day. In fact, it was just the leftovers from my dinner the night before.

Fast forward a day and my boss comes in asking if I tried to poison this person. Of course I denied that I had done so. I even took out my current day�s lunch and let my boss taste a bit (he was blown away by how spicy it was even though he only took a small bite). I then proceeded to eat several spoonfuls to prove I could eat it with no problem. He said not to worry, and that it was clear to him that I didn�t mean any harm, my coworker shouldn�t have been eating my food, etc. etc. I thought the issue was over.

A week later, I got called up to HR for an investigation, claiming that I did in fact try to do harm to this person and this investigation is still ongoing. What confuses me is there was nothing said about this guy trying to steal my lunch. When I brought it up, they said something along the lines of �We cannot prove he stole anything.� I am confused at this. I thought the proof would be clear.

My boss is on my side, but HR seem to be trying to string me up. Their behavior is quite aggressive. Even if my boss backs me up, they just ignore everything he says. (As in, he would say �That�s clearly not the case� and the HR lady wouldn�t even look in his direction and continued talking.)

On top of this, HR claims that it would be well within said coworker�s rights to try and sue me. The way it was said seemed to suggest that they suggested this to him as a course of action.

How can someone be caught stealing my lunch and then turn around and say I was in the wrong? I don�t understand it at all! I don�t know what to do, I am afraid that I will loose my job over this. Is there any advice you can give me?

and the follow up

quote:

I ended up being fired by HR, as she said there was enough of a case to get rid of me before the top boss came back. I consulted a lawyer who sent a letter to the company informing them that I was considering legal action. The letter contained the reasons for doing so and an account of what happened.

One week later, I got a call from the guy who owns the company asking me to come back, with an apology. Both the HR woman and the thief have been �let go.� He also gave me a very generous raise, I assume to gloss everything over. I accepted and am now back at work.

As much as I hate to go based on office talk, it seemed that the HR woman and the food thief may have been romantically involved. They were seen a lot outside work together, etc. So I assume it was her protecting him. She may have even believed him and thought I was trying to frame him or something, who knows. I doubt I will get an answer now.

Right now I�m working in the previous position with almost double my paycheck, so it�s a great turnaround. The boss also opened more doors for me, offering different training courses that I�ll be paid for. It�s obviously to keep me happy and stop me from taking any legal action, but what more could I ask for? Something unreasonable happened and it�s been more than corrected. I�d have been happy with just having my job back.

I�d rather have not gone though the whole thing at all though. I just hope I never have to experience this kind of thing again. I don�t really have a support group so was on the edge of losing my apartment etc. Anyway, thanks for the advice. I had nowhere to turn!

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:09

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

all the lights in my house have two-key arming mechanisms like nuclear silos or that vault in Terminator 2. god help us should a third person move in

SMEGMA_MAIL posted:

Also I learned from big family and communal living during my first couple of years in the military to make your personal leftovers brutally spicy because most food thieves inexplicably will whine to you about it and tell on themselves.

in college I kept film developer in a communal fridge in a milk jug painted black with a big skull and crossbones on it. The same two guys would constantly keep trying the jug in the hopes that this time it would contain goth milk or something, and get mad when it didn't.

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 19:14 on Sep 13, 2021

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:09

Squashing Machine: Jul 5, 2005; I mean boning, the wild mambo, the hunka chunka

PetraCore posted:

With this in mind she needs to be getting some sort of treatment and he needs to be moving to another bedroom or trying those blackout eye masks. And 'moving to another bedroom' could involve breaking up with her, but doesn't necessarily have to.

Really. The mere possibility of this having to do with trauma (which the partner hasn't indicated is the case) doesn't mean you get unlimited right-of-way to gently caress with your partner's sleep and freak out at them when they turn the lights off

Edit: If this is a base-level incapability, that's one thing and they probably just need to break up. But the hoop-jumping to make an rear end in a top hat out of a guy who's otherwise accommodated their partner by sleeping in the office is asinine

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:14

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

Squashing Machine posted:

Really. The mere possibility of this having to do with trauma (which the partner hasn't indicated is the case) doesn't mean you get unlimited right-of-way to gently caress with your partner's sleep and freak out at them when they turn the lights off

I think it's time we normalized getting unlimited right-of-way to disrupt everyone's life and do totally unreasonable poo poo, and I definitely don't say that because I'm doing it

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:16

StrangersInTheNight: Dec 31, 2007; ABSOLUTE FUCKING GUDGEON

lights at night girl has gotta be an only child who got used to falling asleep with all the lights on and has never lived with anyone else. i refuse to believe this person has gotten this far in life without this becoming an issue before now otherwise.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:19

The_Franz: Aug 8, 2003

StrangersInTheNight posted:

lights at night girl has gotta be an only child who got used to falling asleep with all the lights on and has never lived with anyone else. i refuse to believe this person has gotten this far in life without this becoming an issue before now otherwise.

i'm wondering if she ever went to college, because nobody in a dorm setting would put up with that

The_Franz fucked around with this message at 19:30 on Sep 13, 2021

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:24

Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

teen witch posted:

I have a name y�know

Which you REFUSE to tell us!

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:25

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

I think needing to have every light in your room on at all times is borderline at least intervention worthy if not being commited.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:27

Quackles: Aug 11, 2018; Pixels of Light.

Batterypowered7 posted:

Which you REFUSE to tell us!

C�mon, guys, you�re ruining Teen Witch Doesn�t Tell Us Her Name Day.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:29

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

I think lights-at-night girl probably has some sort of trauma that definitely needs therapy, but if she wakes up screaming when the light is turned off this is a serious one. I hear a lot of people saying "After I was attacked/raped/stalked I had to sleep with the lights on to feel safe."

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:34

Upgrade: Jun 19, 2021

It�s Reddit, it�s far more likely she�s just insufferable (or sold her soul to a night demon and is trying to renege on the deal)

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:35

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Squashing Machine posted:

Really. The mere possibility of this having to do with trauma (which the partner hasn't indicated is the case) doesn't mean you get unlimited right-of-way to gently caress with your partner's sleep and freak out at them when they turn the lights off

Edit: If this is a base-level incapability, that's one thing and they probably just need to break up. But the hoop-jumping to make an rear end in a top hat out of a guy who's otherwise accommodated their partner by sleeping in the office is asinine

Yeah I suppose it's entirely possible she's perfectly capable of sleeping with the lights off and just chooses to freak out when she wakes up without them because it's fun for her. It actually does not matter in this case. OP chose to accommodate this when they moved in together, and you can't just revoke accommodations when they're inconvenient for you; that's not how anything works.

What OP should have done was address this before moving in together, either by deciding not to move in together at all, making the proper sleeping arrangements, or waiting for her to figure out what was going on together with a therapist and working from there. He didn't, and instead decided that since her boundaries are unreasonable, he only has to respect them when he feels like it. That's an rear end in a top hat approach.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:38

duck trucker: Oct 14, 2017; YOSPOS

Girl could also be from one of those northern countries that have sunlight for like 4 straight months. I mean we have no proof but also no proof she's traumatized either

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:51

Ethiser: Dec 31, 2011

My great grandma always slept with a lamp on because she grew up without electricity. Maybe this lady has an extreme version of that, like she lived in a cave system and didn�t know of the sun�s warmth.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 19:58

Squashing Machine: Jul 5, 2005; I mean boning, the wild mambo, the hunka chunka

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Yeah I suppose it's entirely possible she's perfectly capable of sleeping with the lights off and just chooses to freak out when she wakes up without them because it's fun for her. It actually does not matter in this case. OP chose to accommodate this when they moved in together, and you can't just revoke accommodations when they're inconvenient for you; that's not how anything works.

What OP should have done was address this before moving in together, either by deciding not to move in together at all, making the proper sleeping arrangements, or waiting for her to figure out what was going on together with a therapist and working from there. He didn't, and instead decided that since her boundaries are unreasonable, he only has to respect them when he feels like it. That's an rear end in a top hat approach.

And she had no responsibility to do the same before entering into this living arrangement? It's pretty baffling that they made it all the way to moving in with each other without addressing a pretty basic lifestyle problem, but it sounds from the account that he's actually tried to make room for her needs but she hasn't done the same for him. Trauma (which, again, she says isn't the factor) isn't some sort of unidirectional "I win" button when there's a disagreement in a relationship, and from the sound of it the least she could do is take her turn in the office when it's not workable for him

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:09

AKA Pseudonym: May 16, 2004; A dashing and sophisticated young man; Doctor Rope

I just need to know what makes some people believe they have a right to any food they have access to. Is it a cultural thing?

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:11

Antioch: Apr 18, 2003

Quackles posted:

C’mon, guys, you’re ruining Teen Witch Doesn’t Tell Us Her Name Day.

I always just assumed it was Sabrina.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:12

titty_baby_: Nov 11, 2015

AKA Pseudonym posted:

I just need to know what makes some people believe they have a right to any food they have access to. Is it a cultural thing?

When I've been hitting blunts the gloves come off

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:13

champagne posting: Apr 5, 2006; YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER

AKA Pseudonym posted:

I just need to know what makes some people believe they have a right to any food they have access to. Is it a cultural thing?

I need to know how this weirdness is ever combined with deathly allergies. "Oh yeah I will die if I look funny at asparagus" proceeds to eat whatever

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:13

Upgrade: Jun 19, 2021

champagne posting posted:

I need to know how this weirdness is ever combined with deathly allergies. "Oh yeah I will die if I look funny at asparagus" proceeds to eat whatever

People are stupid

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:14

Brawnfire: Jul 13, 2004; 🎧Listen to Cylindricule!🎵
https://linktr.ee/Cylindricule

AKA Pseudonym posted:

I just need to know what makes some people believe they have a right to any food they have access to. Is it a cultural thing?

I remember stopping off at a friend's apartment to like, smoke weed and play geometry wars or some poo poo, on the way home from a restaurant. We had a big fancy pizza and so we put the leftover slices in our friend's fridge for the couple hours we'd be over there.

This roommate comes out and just starts scarfing the slices, he's halfway through his third before he even acknowledges everyone in the room is telling him to stop. Keep in mind, WE are the ones blazed out of our mind, telling someone else not to stuff their face with whatever is in front of them. It was surreal. Dude had a look on his face like "what's wrong with eating FOOD that was IN MY FRIDGE!?"

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:16

Upgrade: Jun 19, 2021

Also we should just assume the lights girlfriend is Nell from the movie �Nell� and her boyfriend is also the person who taught her English and rescued her from the attic where she�d been hiding

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:17

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Squashing Machine posted:

And she had no responsibility to do the same before entering into this living arrangement? It's pretty baffling that they made it all the way to moving in with each other without addressing a pretty basic lifestyle problem, but it sounds from the account that he's actually tried to make room for her needs but she hasn't done the same for him. Trauma (which, again, she says isn't the factor) isn't some sort of unidirectional "I win" button when there's a disagreement in a relationship, and from the sound of it the least she could do is take her turn in the office when it's not workable for him

It's entirely unclear from the text of the OP how on earth they wound up moving in together. I've chosen to infer that he implicitly or explicitly indicated that he was ok with her sleeping habits and expected her to change them unprompted, because the alternative is that she changed her sleeping arrangements during their relationship, which he definitely would have mentioned, or that they had literally never spent a night together before moving in together, which I think is less likely, but in which case they're both idiots.

And we don't know that she wouldn't take a turn in the office if asked. All we know is that OP has asked her to sleep with less light, she said no, he did it anyway, and it caused her distress. That is, apparently, the extent of their communication. There are a lot of details that could make the OP more sympathetic, and none of them are in the story he wrote.

Anyways, I feel I've said my piece, and I doubt anyone cares enough to keep this derail warm. I used to sleep with the lights on as a kid so now I can sleep with them on or off :twisted:

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:29

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

Arsenic Lupin posted:

AITA for refusing to pay for my friend's EpiPen?

- stay out of my room.
- but we were looking for beer!
- oh. Well okay then. I guess I�d better pay for your EpiPen.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:46

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 16:04

The Klowner: Apr 20, 2019; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Dik Hz posted:

Clearly the narrator who views the woman as the unquestionable group-consensus property of his friend is 100% reliable on that.

I remember as a freshman in college some people in my dorm were hanging out on our first day on campus, and the first thing the guy living across from me said to me was "yo, dibs on the blonde one." I'll always remember it because it was just the wildest poo poo, realizing that viewing women as commodities was so internalized that two men who'd never met before, from completely different places, could come to an understanding like that.

# ? Sep 13, 2021 20:51

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: i calmly said its temporary (its permanent)

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