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Crits for Week 503 Nae - A Fight to Remember: I like this. Running away on the back of a dinosaur is pleasingly absurd, and the way you describe the older teen struggling to look out for her younger sister is really touching. On the downside, the younger sister doesn't have much personality beyond being adorable, and the parents are quite generic. The pet dino was great. This story did the best job of answering the prompt's question, 'but what if silly movie dinosaurs?' which is what nudged it ahead for the win. 7/10 Tyrannosaurus - Idolize: I had a massive smile on my face when I finished reading this. Great characters, very relatable emotional core, entertaining rap, a happy ending, and one of them is a dinosaur. Who knew these things were a perfect combination. Very nice work. 8/10 Chernobyl Princess - Sadbrains: Aww dude, now I just want to give you a hug. This is very sweet, very human, and very relatable, and yet still feels like it is the author’s own perspective and not a rehashed take. I really liked it, good job. 8.5/10 The man called M - I Love My Dinosaur Son: I hate your dinosaur son. This story sucks. You’ve just described the life story of some guy called Kyle, from the POV of his Dad, who does nothing and has no personality, and surrounded it with a pointless framing device involving President Biden. You’ve had this same feedback multiple times now - a plot synopsis does not a short story make. You should look at the structure of the winning story this week and try to replicate it. It has an opening section that introduces all the characters and shows us what the protagonist wants (for her parents to stop fighting), then section 2 shows us more about the protagonist and how she is struggling to get what she wants, section 3 is the moment of crisis (confronting her parents), and section 4 shows us how the protagonist responds and gets what she wants (by running away). Now, a story about a father trying to reconcile himself to the fact that his dinosaur son has to go fight the killer robots could be great! Robots vs. dinosaurs would provide an entertaining backdrop to a relatable human emotional conflict. Unfortunately, you did not write this story. “Barren” is quite a word choice. Did you choose this word on purpose to make your protagonist seem like an rear end in a top hat? If yes, well done, that is how you create character. But, unfortunately, I don’t think you did. And worse, why the gently caress did you choose to write the line, “...he didn’t like the taste of rapists”? I mean, sure, rapists are bad people, so they taste bad, fine. But your choice of words informs the reader about what sort of people your characters are. You need to choose words that match the tone of your story. Tossing in an unnecessary reference to rape isn’t funny and just makes your story worse. And goddammit with the random capitalisation. “Velociraptor” doesn’t need to be capitalised. Nor does “dinosaur” or “high school.” 4/10 The Saddest Rhino - Home Improvement Will No Longer Be Renewed After 8 Seasons, TV Guide Reports: So, Tim Allen snorts a lot of coke and then gets his finger bitten off by a dinosaur? This is ok I guess, but I didn’t think it was very funny, and I don’t care about Tim Allen. 5/10 Thranguy - The CIA Hired Stanley Kubrick to Fake the Moon Landing. He Insisted on Shooting on Location: Apart from the surprising number of typos (tut, tut) I enjoyed this. The ending doesn’t work for me though, it seemed to come out of nowhere. 6.5/10 Chairchucker - The Rabbit Said, ‘I Think I’m a Typo’ : This is moderately entertaining, but not much more than that. 5.5/10
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Mar 28, 2022 21:42
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 Look, Thunderdome: I like gemstones. Hell, I love gemstones, and I’ve probably bored most of you by talking about them in Discord. Therefore, why shouldn’t I use this opportunity to force you to like gemstones, too? Well, you don’t have to like them, but you do have to write about them. Also, you have to like them. You have 1200 words to write a story containing the gemstone you’re assigned at sign-up. Want an additional 200 words? Congrats, you get a second gem! No more, though. Even cheap gems cost money and I can’t be giving these out for free! Sign-ups close at 11:59 pm Pacific on Friday, April 1. Submissions close at 11:59pm Pacific on Sunday, April 3 (or, realistically, whenever I wake up on Monday morning.) Note on story content: Since a couple of people have asked me questions about their gems in discord and are worried about accuracy, let me be clear: I don't give a poo poo! I love sharing the facts with you guys because I'm a huge dork, but I am totally down for ridiculous stories with moon-sized, sentient gems that defy all of the properties of anything I know to be true. If all you do is say 'its a crystal and it's the same color as the one in my picture,' great. Awesome. Write a good story and put a gem in it; don't worry about appealing to my Dr. Stone brain! Judges: - Nae - a friendly penguin Participants: - Chairchucker: Paraiba Tourmaline - rohan: Demantoid Garnet, YAG - Thranguy: Mahenge Spinel - derp: Sphene - ManCalledM: Alexandrite - Albatrossy_Rodent: Banded Fluorite - flerp: Parti Sapphire - Tars Tarkas: Spessartine 'Mandarin' Garnet - Antivehicular: Padparadscha Sapphire - JetSetGo: Ametrine - Burning_Conch: Phantom Quartz - Noah: Kashmir Sapphire - Bad Seafood: Vanadium Chrysoberyl - JonasSalk: Red Diamond - Tyrannosaurus: Bixbite Nae fucked around with this message at 15:36 on Apr 4, 2022 |
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Mar 28, 2022 21:58
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Mar 28, 2022 21:59
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Paraiba Tourmaline 
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Mar 28, 2022 22:04
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in
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Mar 28, 2022 22:08
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Crits Nae - A Fight to Remember Plot: two young girls deal with their parents' collapsing marriage. They resolve to run away, escaping on their dad's midlife-crisis dinosaur. Takes: the emotional throughline is good, and I'm partial to suburban ennui stories. Know what I wish there was more of? Dinosaurs. Nothing in this story would substantially change if the midlife crisis present the dad had bought himself was a boat. What if the dinosaur, by virtue of being a wild animal humans still have little understanding of, did something specific to catalyze Autumn's decision to leave other than just looking kind of sad? Regarding your use of the snippet, i'm a little confused. It's something autumn says to convince Dizzy to leave, but isn't staying on the Titanic NOT running away? Isn't the parents' marriage the sinking ship. Is it supposed to be sarcastic? I appreciate that you used the silly snippet as an emotional line, though (even if you had the least dumb snippet of the whole week). Tyrannosaurus - Idolize Plot: a teenager ends up in a rap battle with Rhymnonychus, a famous rapper who is also a dinosaur. Rhymnonychus helps the teenager with some rap tips, and is gracious in victory. Takes: I like this, but it also suffers from "how would this story change if this dinosaur wasn't a dinosaur?" Like, if this famous rapper was just like, a guy, would literally anything change except for some of the fun disses in the protagonist's (excellent) rap? There's no explanation as to why Rhymnonychus is a dinosaur, but know what? Sure. Just wish he had done some dinosaur stuff. Maybe he can make a makeshift beat by hitting his big toe claw on the ground? I don't know. Not enough dinosaur. Chernobyl Princess - Sadbrains Plot: A mother has a bad day of anxiety and guilt with her young son. She missed her day's pills, and realizes a perfectly pleasant day was made miserable by mental illness. Takes: okay, let's get this out of the way first: I do not believe that a child having dinosaur toys counts as a story with dinosaurs. Making a realistic slice-of-life drama with this prompt is a cop-out and you know it. Other than that, it's I dunno, a very good story? I don't think I'm gonna nominate it for the win, maybe the other judge can argue it up to an HM (I wanted dinosaur stories, drat it!) There's not really a point here, but that works well considering the fog that the protagonist is moving through. Maybe age up the kid from three to four or five? He's a well-done kid when you're going for realism, but a three-year old is a toddler and the kid you've written is distinctly a *child.* M - I Love My Dinosaur Son Plot: Um, uh, a bunch of crazy stuff happens. Takes: go, read the prompt again. Look at what I specifically prohibited, then read your story again. Did I say no time travel? Yes. Does your story include time travel? Also yes. Look, I invited ridiculousness here, but you need to focus the insanity. I love insane stories, but they still need characters, twists, and themes. Tell me, what kind of guy is your protagonist? I can't tell. Seems like, uh, just sort of a guy. He's the kind of guy who sees a bunch of dinosaurs eating his friend, and his response is to go up to the dinosaurs and *calmly ask them what's going on.* Wouldn't a normal person go "Oh no Jesus christ they're eating Bob!" and then run away? There are a thousand ideas here, pick one so that it doesn't feel like the wikipedia Plot summary. Start your next story with a character doing or saying something interesting instead of an explanation of the premise. Speaking of your premise, what is it? We've got: A couple has to raise a velociraptor as a son. Maybe show us this whole story! That sounds like it could be a fun story, taking Kyle to the zoo buy Kyle wants to eat all the zebras or something, and the whole story is about that one trip to the zoo. Could be great! An army unit of sentient dinosaurs. Maybe show us this whole story! Show us a whole story about the Raptor Brigade doing a raid on a black-market weapon dealer's compound. Could be great! A war between dinosaurs and robots. This speaks for itself. A dino/robot war story could be great! There are good stories in here, and you choose to tell none of them. But they're all in here, and none get to breathe, and also there's time travel and this whole thing about Biden giving scientists money and this bit about Kyle eating death row people, and it's under a thousand words… Give the story some space to breathe, let characters be characters, don't just throw poo poo at the wall. Didn't see any tense or grammar issues. The Saddest Rhino - Home Improvement Will No Longer Be Renewed After 8 Seasons, TV Guide Reports Plot: scientists trying to get funding for their dinosaur resurrection project by doing some propaganda on an episode of Home Improvement, but their dinosaur eats Tim Allen's finger. Takes: There are some basic competency issues here. There are tense issues, and when you went into flashback it wasn't immediately clear. Proofread better. I liked the premise and the level of imagination. I like the way you turned all the fictional dinosaurs of the 90s into actual dinosaurs, but they just can't stop eating people. There's a lot of fun worldbuilding. The protagonists do nothing. They sit and watch a live taping of Home Improvement. Thranguy - Stanley Kubrick yadayadayada Plot: some people are on the island where Jurassic Park was shot, which actually has real dinosaurs. One guy gets eaten, one lady escapes, our narrator has to live on the island for years before his eventual rescue. Takes: The first half works a lot better than the second, which devolves into a lot of summary. I like the idea that the dinosaurs all work by Jurassic Park rules, and this should have been incorporated into the action more. I really like the idea of realizing that dinosaurs' vision is indeed based on movement, but that should have been a scene rather than summary. The story works with standard first-person narration, but then it's revealed that he's been talking to someone this whole time? That could've been pulled off better. Chairchucker - Some Corny Rabbi Joke Plot: a young woman and an orthodox rabbi fight off dinosaurs at a Bat Mitzvah. Know what? I kinda like this! The jokes all land, especially the wannabe comedian rabbi bit. There's actually action that mostly kicks rear end. I wish you'd just googled one dinosaur species that they're fighting, but eh, can't complain. Your research went into Jew stuff, and it works. Not gonna demand this win or anything, but I wanted silly dinosaur action and I got silly dinosaur action.
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Mar 28, 2022 22:09
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Demantoid Garnet 
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Mar 28, 2022 22:12
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In
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Mar 28, 2022 23:08
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Mahenge Spinel 
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Mar 28, 2022 23:25
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okay i'll do it
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Mar 28, 2022 23:31
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derp posted:okay i'll do it Sphene  note: this image is not blurry or doubled; this is actually what the gem looks like inside.
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Mar 28, 2022 23:46
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Got an interesting idea, so in.
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Mar 29, 2022 00:07
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The man called M posted:Got an interesting idea, so in. Alexandrite 
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Mar 29, 2022 00:18
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In
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Mar 29, 2022 02:57
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Banded Fluorite 
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Mar 29, 2022 03:20
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in
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Mar 29, 2022 05:24
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Parti Sapphire 
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Mar 29, 2022 05:30
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In!
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Mar 29, 2022 07:40
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in
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Mar 29, 2022 07:53
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In! Gunna finally earn me an avatar.
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Mar 29, 2022 16:16
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Spessartine 'Mandarin' Garnet 
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Mar 29, 2022 17:22
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Padparadscha Sapphire - The Lotus-Colored Sapphire 
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Mar 29, 2022 17:22
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JetSetGo posted:In! Gunna finally earn me an avatar. Ametrine 
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Mar 29, 2022 17:23
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I'm in.
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Mar 29, 2022 21:05
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Burning_Conch posted:I'm in. Phantom Quartz 
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Mar 29, 2022 22:40
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I would like a second gem as a thoughtful gift to my weekend self, thank you 
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Mar 29, 2022 23:22
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In.
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Mar 30, 2022 00:09
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rohan posted:I would like a second gem as a thoughtful gift to my weekend self, thank you Yttrium Aluminum Garnet (commonly called YAG)  
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Mar 30, 2022 00:24
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Noah posted:In. Kashmir Sapphire 
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Mar 30, 2022 00:28
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In. Gimmie a gem.
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Mar 30, 2022 09:16
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Bad Seafood posted:In. Vanadium Chrysoberyl 
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Mar 30, 2022 17:38
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Redemption for Week 443 White-Out 1259 words “Eagle, like that surfer, Tom Eagle!” the kid checking vaccine passports at the door exclaimed. “Yeah.” the man replied with a voice that felt as sunweary as his complexion. “Cool, I wonder what he’s up to nowadays.” “Me too, buddy.” and then Anthony Eagle went in. He liked going to foreign restaurants in the city because people didn’t recognize him there, but he guessed the new kid at the door must have had a Playstation back in the day. He liked people. He didn’t like that he was only recognized as a surfer, mainly because he didn’t like that the waves had been gone for so long. It was a problem for a lot of people and he knew he was one of the lucky ones, he never starved because shipping just didn’t work, he didn't go bankrupt, he had options and he seized them. And yet surfing was everything to him, without it he was just Anthony Eagle. After his divorce he took up a fake name and interesting facial hair to the dating scene so he could pretend to be someone else. He didn’t want to be someone else, even if he turned out to be pretty good at it. Successful even, all the contacts and clout he built from the videogames and merchandising and movie cameos gave him a pretty solid base to launch a career as an entrepreneur in sports marketing, it just wasn’t what he had originally signed in for and it wasn’t what he wanted to be known for, specially by himself. He didn’t want to be Tom Eagle, the surfer. He didn’t want to be anyone else. Maybe a middle-aged man enjoying his lunch, Anthony Eagle, that’s who he’d be this afternoon, he ordered the day’s special. It was a nice broth with a side dish of pasta. He ate here often, but never bothered to learn all the spices. It was nice, his spoon moved through the pot, stirring little waves, just enough for his mind to cast little fantasies. Fantasies of home. He knew how far he could push these dreams without falling apart. A middle aged man enjoying lunch, offering strangers kind smiles when their eyes met. Far away in the past and entirely present. The food was good, this was good. He took his time. His phone vibrated as he turned it on on his way out. A missed call from an old friend. Steve. Only old friends still did phone calls, but Steve was an old old friend, not someone who was part of Anthony’s life, he had been his agent back in the early days, the surfing days, days long gone. It was either a mistake, a disaster or very important news. The message from him, “Call me when you can.”, cleared the possibility of the first option. Anthony decided to call back from the nearby park, the one without a fountain. “This is loving insane, Tom.” Steve told him without regard for the usual pleasantries, which Anthony appreciated “These kids are amazing, you’ve got to see this. Hey, help me out here!” the last shout was directed away from the phone. “Show me how to send a video to my friend.” some murmurs and raised voices “Right, right. Uh, Tom, they just told me I will be literally in jail if I tell you this without you signing a NDA. You have to come to Nevada.” Nevada sounded nice, as many waves as anywhere else. ----------------------- Tom smiled. A genuine smile, not the photo op smile that he had been used to in the last decade or the practiced kind smile that his compassion told him to offer the world. He was smiling for himself for the first time in many many years. “What do you think, Mr. Eagle?” the young scientist asked him. They stood within the underground compound where a miracle had been engineered. “It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” he replied “Can I… “ his voice faltered “Can I go in?” “It is still unstable, we need to do more tests.” the woman looked at him with spontaneous curiosity “But soon.” Steve grabbed his shoulder in a hug. “Motherfucker, I know that look. Told you this was loving insane.” Tom just smiled. His old agent continued “As soon as this is ready we’ll have a public show and I want you there. How does Mavericks sound?” “Mavericks!” “California hasn’t seen the likes of you for a decade and change, my man. The world is going to stop, I am seeing videogames, movies, shirts, gently caress, boards, so many boards, this will be like the return of Jesus loving Christ. You’re gonna walk on loving water, my dude.” Steve was a greedy man, greedy but honest and Tom liked honest. The surfer saw the waves, saw himself in them, he saw everything, he saw the future, he saw hope. “Nah, I am going to fly.” ----------------------- It was like traveling back in time, not to how it was, but how it was dreamed of. So many people, so many cameras, a land filled with green hills and tents and sand. The sun was majestic, holding court. It was no wonder most cultures worshiped it. And the sea too. Tom looked at the deep blue horizon with an yearning that consumed all of him. It was placid, as it had been for far too long, a profound wound in his very everything. Would this be the resurrection? He gazed at the gigantic machines, the ones that had recreated waves in the underground labs of Nevada, the miracle workers. He wanted to call them mother, Yemanjá, but the company insisted on Poseidon’s Horses. Through the years he was always aware of how much he had missed the waves and yet he had forgotten how they felt, they truly felt, how he felt. Tom Eagle again. Surf was up. He didn’t hear the announcer or the music show that preceded his second debut. It was too distant from the truth, the only truth that really mattered, he felt high in a way no drug had managed to, completely dissociated from everything leading up to the moment and when the music was over there he was. Present. He found a natural swagger in his step, same as it was, an easy smile that warmed all of him in companionship to the sun and the brine and the community that had gathered there. Contracts secured his debut, but he made sure that other surfers would be allowed in the following waves. He shook hands, hugged and traded words with old friends and rivals as well as some newcomers and other veterans that he had never met in his past life. They were his real family, the only ones who knew what he was missing, the only ones that shared his joy. He went with his board to the sea and got into position. Anxiety and excitement washed over him as he gave a thumbs up to the technicians. He closed his eyes and felt the water and sun and the hum of the machines rising until they were the entirety of the world and then they became more. And then they cracked, the sound of a dying god, broken, struck down by hubris, consuming everything until the only sound left in the world was silence. Tom Eagle opened his eyes. There were no waves, Poseidon’s Horses were smoking fragments. So much for hope. He untied the leash from his foot and swam towards the sea, never to return.
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Mar 31, 2022 11:28
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 Attention 'Domers Perhaps you already know me from 'Domes gone by. To some of you I may be merely a fascinating legend by this point. What you may not know is that I recently won the national lottery! Hooray! Realistically this means that I will never have to work again. So to keep myself occupied I've been working on a funky little project that I can now announce! I've been in conversation with the original instigators of this here 'dome, and, for a considerable sum, I made my first major purchase (I won't mention zeroes, because gauche, but it was 404 x some order of magnitude. But who's counting? ). I know you're excited to find out what it was, so I'll cut straight to the chase... I have bought the Intellectual Property rights for the concept of ThunderDome. Huzzah! So excitement, very yay! Let's be realistic about this, though: Absolutely nothing will change - EXCEPT the entire enterprise will shift to a website of my own creation. And the name, of course. 'ThunderDome'... there are legal issues with Warner Brothers that I don't want to fight - I'm rich, but I'm not that rich. 'ThunderDome', as a name, well, it works for a dead, gay comedy forum, but I'm going drag us kicking and screaming into the 2010s! So from now on this competition will be called...and I know you'll think this is as brilliant as I do: FumbleDome Obviously this is a huge change, so I'll give you all a moment to let it percolate in your minds and sink in. Click the link above (yes, it's a link, internet warrior) and check it out. I'm sure once you give it due consideration you will be as passionate as I am about the project, which is to say more passionate than la poisson d'Avril Lavigne, a previous high point in passion from an S-tier chanteuse. Ok - that should be enough thinking. Mulling it over time is now over. I encourage you all to sign up before I figure out how to implement credit card transactions. Love, your friendly benevolent despot, Fumbley Moose, Esquire
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Apr 1, 2022 04:42
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Fumblemouse posted:
i am poor and if there's an off-site contest i would like cash prizes. no offense, but pls redistribute the wealth if you have it. I am bad at writing and have broke brains but if you want literary gold then cough up the literal gold
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Apr 1, 2022 05:28
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Fumblemouse posted:
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Apr 1, 2022 10:07
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Thank you, Chairman Mouse! And thank you in advance, Thunderdome, for your patience during this exciting merger*! As we now have new investment opportunities, we will be taking the opportunity to fully monetize Thunderdome, allowing us to offer truly premium experiences at a remarkably accessible price point! FREE accounts will include:
PREMIUM accounts will include:
SUPER DOUBLE PREMIUM accounts are entitled to all the perks of the PREMIUM account, plus:
I am thrilled to embark with you all on this thrilling new chapter in Thunderdome history! *It's really an acquisition, but merger sounds less hostile takeover-y. **We will be sending a Cease and Desist to the archive, as it now contains millions of words of stolen intellectual property. As such, Crabrock will be re-trained as our in-house masseuse.
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Apr 1, 2022 19:39
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Thanks for buying the archive for a lot of money. I'll be shutting it down so all the data can be transferred to Fumbledome soon. It's a superior system for sure. I'm glad we could come to a better agreement than me giving everybody massages. My fingers are boney and weak
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Apr 1, 2022 22:06
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In with a  because I feel like I haven’t been here in a while and I’m pretty sure I definitely failed to submit last time I popped up. Time for some more of my bad writing.
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Apr 1, 2022 22:14
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AllNewJonasSalk posted:In with a Red Diamond 
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Apr 1, 2022 22:53
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In.
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Apr 2, 2022 01:35
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