I got a very legitimate email about how to fix my Leaky Butt by Joe Barton

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > I got a very legitimate email about how to fix my Leaky Butt by Joe Barton

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1 Food That Fights Diabetic Rectum Nerves Damage
	Follow every word to the letter OP
	Delete it and block the address
	Keep it in your inbox
	Click all the links and/or reply sincerely
	Worst loving gbs thread holy loving poo poo
	Goku has perfect bowel movements

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EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

I can tell it is legitimate because it did not enter my spam folder:

quote:

Hey there,
We�ve been asked our whole life to eat more veggies and whole grains to have good bowel movements.

However, according to Dr. Saunders, Neurological expert � if you have high blood sugar and or poor blood flow�

Not only can it affect the nerves in your brain, heart, and feet� it even attacks your digestive system � particularly, your anal sphinter. (the muscle that contracts or relaxes for bowel movements.

And when those nerves become damaged, we suffer what is called Fecal incontinence. ***Which is the inability to control bowel movements. Causing feces to leak unexpectedly from the rectum.***

And even if you are not experiencing any leaking (YET), another sign is that you constantly ��FEEL LIKE� you need to use the restroom (#2) - but nothing comes out.

Again, this is because the nerves that control that feeling of needing to go � have been affected.

Many people will end up pushing and causing even more blood vessel damage there, along with painful hemorrhoids and bleeding.

And on the opposite end, your body may need to actually let out fecal matter, BUT the nerve damage in the sphincter may not get the signal - causing constipation. (Causing fecal matter to be trapped in the body and making it a perfect breeding ground for bacteria.)

It�s a terrible and embarrassing thing to have to go through. (on top of the burning and itching)

The good news is, this problem could be easily fixed in the privacy of your own home.

And it has nothing to do with using enemas, seeing a doctor or any invasive treatments.

There are just 2 simple things you must do every morning along with eating this�

1 food that fights Rectum Leaks and constipation.

Now for more visual learners,

Dr. Saunders, has released a brand new gut health video to the public.

It�s Free and will be up for the next 24 hours. (As it's normally exclusive to his patients.)

This well received video shows you his simple 2 steps along with the�

1 food that fights Rectum Leaks and constipation.

And not only does this video show how you can help the body with digestive issues and retake control of those nerve issues.

It also helps fight �leaky gut� � this is where the gut lining is damaged and cannot optimally function as a barrier any longer. Causing digestive juices and bowel remains to leak into the body�

Causing diarrhea, constipation, bloating and even skin problems, such as acne, rashes, or eczema.

Remember this, Leaky Gut and Leaky Stool are all linked�

Listen, this video has been already leaked on Youtube & Facebook and has gone viral for helping people with diabetes and blood flow issues get back to normal and away from these embarrassing problems.

And I�ve brought it just in time for you!

Click here to watch this video before it's taken down.

God Bless,
Joe Barton

What should I do????

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:08

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 16, 2024 10:20

Hollismason: Jun 30, 2007; Get ready for Price Time, Bitch

Obviously you need to watch the video

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:11

flubber nuts: Oct 5, 2005

post the video

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:11

SLICK GOKU BABY: Jun 12, 2001; Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls

lovely thread OP.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:13

ManBoyChef: Aug 1, 2019; Deadbeat Dad

are you having leaky sphincter syndrome OP? I mean they had to have gotten your email from somewhere. Maybe you have been doing some google searches.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:16

William Henry Hairytaint: Oct 29, 2011

holy poo poo I'm a type 1 diabetic thank you for bringing this to my attention

quote:

Many people will end up pushing and causing even more blood vessel damage there, along with painful hemorrhoids and bleeding.

I do this all the time :eyepop:

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:17

William Henry Hairytaint: Oct 29, 2011

William Henry Hairytaint posted:

holy poo poo I'm a type 1 diabetic thank you for bringing this to my attention

I do this all the time

this + my plain opaque shower curtain and guests walk into my bathroom and think they're going to be murdered

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:18

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

mod disclaimer: if this is a really bad idea because of viruses/malicious code take as much action on me as necessary

The video link in the email went through like 3 urls before bringing me to this website
https://bartonnutrition.com/ptn/21?utm_campaign=fg_jerusalem&utm_medium=email&utm_content=fg_bowel&utm_source=puredig&subid2=1316&subid=144283526&utm_term=email&AFFID=499202

Here is the website itself:

The video does not seem to be a youtube link, however 10 seconds in for the video...

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:18

Zeluth: May 12, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

If it bleeds you are doing something right. Not the old dried up blood which is black. Then you are on your own drive to the holy land of less poop.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:19

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

I feel like one of those conspiracy theorists as I put screencaps in here

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:29

Smugworth: Apr 18, 2003

That email doesn't mention anything about loan forgiveness :thunk:

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:38

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:46

Zeluth: May 12, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

Would you like fries with that?

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:47

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Is it normal (lol) for stuff like this to rant more about :bahgawd:

the government and big X :bahgawd:

than hawking whatever magical wonder cure they have

# ? Nov 25, 2022 19:49

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Now we are finally getting to the good stuff :suspense:

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:00

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

My poops are too weak :negative:

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:02

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

Don't say that! Your poops are only as strong as your willpower!

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:05

Chinatown: Sep 11, 2001; by Fluffdaddy; Fun Shoe

Black friday yeti tippin'.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:10

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Which one is it :thunk:

also

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:13

Smugworth: Apr 18, 2003

Chinatown posted:

Black friday yeti tippin'.

Island drank sippin', computer chair dippin', Xbox Elite Series 2 controller grippin'

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:13

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

As an inhabitant of Jerusalem I can't confirm the existence of any ancient super fibers, though local people certainly defecate.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:15

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

So it turns out the super fiber wonder plant, as one may have found out by now, is actually Jerusalem Artichoke.

...which is from the New World/Americas, and not from the middle east or north Africa. And the :airquote:

video

also said that the indigenous tribes studied by some English dude to see the size of their poops are from North Africa. Maybe the plant was introduced there many years ago and that's what those people ate/are eating. But even more interesting is this little snippet from Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerusalem_artichoke posted:

US marketing scheme

In the 1980s, the Jerusalem artichoke also gained some notoriety when its seeds were planted by Midwestern US farmers at the prodding of an agricultural attempt to save the family farm. This effort was an attempt to teach independent farmers to raise their own food, feed, and fuel. Little market existed for the tuber in that part of the US at the time, but contacts were made with sugar producers, oil and gas companies, and the fresh food market for markets to be developed. Fructose had not yet been established as a mainstay, nor was ethanol used as a main fuel additive as it is today. The only real profit in this effort were realized by a few first-year growers (who sold some of their seed to other farmers individually as well as with the help of the company attempting this venture). As a result, many of the farmers who had planted large quantities of the crop lost money.[34][35]

How much do I need to cram down my nethermaw until I activate the cheat code for my blood sugar and/or 2-pound turds?

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:28

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

While the Jerusalem Artichoke is neither an artichoke nor from Jerusalem* it is delicious, don't buy it as tasteless supplements but rather as fresh tuber and try cooking it.

*Probably a mispronunciation of Girasole as the flower resembles a sunflower.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:38

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

There's other poo poo too, which presumably will help me poo poo better. And lose weight. And cure my diabetus

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:39

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Also the loving irony of this slide since this video has been going on for at least an hour that ends* with "buy our Super Organic Blood Sugar Beating Powder so you can poo poo better and not die from diabetes unlike those Big Pharma companies because I found Jesus as a baby"

*didn't end, talking about how good it tastes because APPLES

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:44

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

I heard this before from somewhere........... :hmmyes:

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:48

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

Please don't let this poo poo deter you from trying Jerusalem Artichoke, it is delicious and easy to cook.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:49

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

By popular demand posted:

Please don't let this poo poo deter you from trying Jerusalem Artichoke, it is delicious and easy to cook.

It sounds good fried up and not as some One Weird Powder you need to take like the end of Scarface to fix your Leaky Butt WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!!!!

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:53

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

I also like how the email opened with helping fix rectum nerve damage and the corresponding video opened with "the devil tried to kill me at 6 months old" and went from why God Is Good to why The Big Companies(tm) are evil to huge poops by tribal communities to fighting blood sugar imbalance

Quality 70-year-old-relative forwarded email experience, would eat some Jerusalem Artichoke in celebration

EorayMel fucked around with this message at 20:58 on Nov 25, 2022

# ? Nov 25, 2022 20:55

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

The video is still going and has gotten into the "pwease buy our pwoduct...or you'll be sowwy :shobon:

" phase

loving guilt tripping and threatening people over shrek poo poo powder over here, something Very Good And Reputable companies do.

This is loving bitcoin ponzi poo poo jfc

EorayMel fucked around with this message at 21:09 on Nov 25, 2022

# ? Nov 25, 2022 21:06

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Also the bitcoin comparison is not that different

# ? Nov 25, 2022 21:21

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

the video finally loving ended :siren:

# ? Nov 25, 2022 21:23

Knormal: Nov 11, 2001

Here's a direct video link for everyone to enjoy, since the site hides the controls for this 53 minute long Powerpoint.

I really admire your stamina for sitting through that. Though I imagine their target audience has a lot of free time spent sitting on the toilet.

# ? Nov 25, 2022 21:38