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Hoping to get some feedback on the blurb for my novel. I guess the main thing I’m trying to get across is it’s funny but it does have an actual story and stakes. I’ve been trying to get a halfway decent blurb for weeks and this is where I’ve ended up.Beneath the Irithni Eye posted:King Jusp Corathian is going to die and Misen Delaur doesn’t care.
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Feb 27, 2023 23:52
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Popeston posted:Hoping to get some feedback on the blurb for my novel. I guess the main thing I’m trying to get across is it’s funny but it does have an actual story and stakes. I’ve been trying to get a halfway decent blurb for weeks and this is where I’ve ended up. Obligatory line about getting more opinions. Popeston posted:The King is going to die and Misen Delaur doesn’t care. In your first sentence, drop the extra titles you don't need. This lets us focus on the protagonist, Misen Delaur. Popeston posted:Admittedly, she never really cares when a Siourean royal dies, especially when their deaths could have been avoided by hiring her and following her advice on how to not be assassinated. However, with two of Sioure’s most deadly assassin guilds already targeting King Corathian, even Misen’s faultless advice can only delay the inevitable. Luckily, a delay is all her old friend Broukas Mal needs. If Jusp Corathian survives until the Irithni Eye eclipse then Broukas can rebuild her life. She might even forgive Misen for ruining it in the first place. Admittedly, Never Really could be tightened. I think you are going for "Does our protagonist realllllly care? Maybe they do". Suggest only leaving one ambigious word. I have no idea who Broukas Mal is and I don't care. Who is Broukas and why did they suddenly invade the plot? Popeston posted:If Misen is to succeed she must overcome faceless assassins, a meddling Irithni god, and a ruthless grape thief, all the while ignoring the fact that she has become a nightmare for everyone in the barren Kingdom of Mamsevi. Literally. As in, she keeps showing up in their dreams. It’s very strange. Before reading the next bits I am going to point out we don't have a clear idea on Misen's stakes, or why she is getting involved. Popeston posted:Still, with her talent, her cunning, and her giant warrior-turned-baker, Misen is determined to protect everything that matters. Unfortunately, this is complicated by something Misen never expected: I don't like the start of this sentence because we have just gone through a list in the previous sentence. While I like the last bit of the blurb, I don't know WHY Misen cares or why her view has changed. Overall: This blurb is cute, and displays a lot of voice and gives me a sense of what type of book it is. If it is Fantasy-wry sense of humor - Romance, suggest you can comp BlackTongue Thief. One big mistake this blurb does is mentioning Broukas Mal, as I have no idea who they are and why I should care. But maybe I'm dumb.
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Mar 1, 2023 20:06
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Popeston posted:Hoping to get some feedback on the blurb for my novel. I guess the main thing I’m trying to get across is it’s funny but it does have an actual story and stakes. I’ve been trying to get a halfway decent blurb for weeks and this is where I’ve ended up. To me the first line feels very weak: if the protagonist doesn't care, why should I? The premise laid out in the second paragraph seems to be that the heroine is some kind of counter-assassin consultant who protects kings. That's really cool! But it isn't stated explicitly so much as it's roundaboutly implied, so figuring it out takes more work than I want to do as a blurb-reader. "Luckily, a delay is all her old friend Broukas Mal needs. If Jusp Corathian survives until the Irithni Eye eclipse then Broukas can rebuild her life." This line has way less context than it needs for it to hook me emotionally. What is the Irithni Eye? How does it relate to Broukas rebuilding her life? Do I even care about Broukas? Of course you could answer these questions, but a blurb can only be so long. I'd suggest instead condensing these lines to something like "Misen didn't want to take this job, but she had to: it's her last chance to make things right with her oldest friend." I don't know if that's exactly accurate to your book, but my point is to focus on the emotional hook for Misen rather than the details. The fact that she doesn't have to save the king, just delay his inevitable death, is a rather unique idea but difficult to get across clearly in blurb form. What is it that makes this death so inevitable, anyway? We're told that Misen is "fautless" and "talented" so why is she so certain that the case is hopeless? "the barren Kingdom of Mamsevi" - so is this the same kingdom that Corathian is king of, or a different one? If it's the former, consider just saying "the Kingdom". And if it's the latter... geez, I don't know. It is an interesting and charming concept, but it's also completely unrelated to anything else in the blurb. "her talent, her cunning, and her giant warrior-turned-baker" I'd like this warrior-turned-baker to be described a bit more. Are they like her assistant/sidekick? Or are they the same person as "Broukas Mal"? Also, "her talent, her cunning" sounds redundant, maybe switch to "all her formidable talent" or similar? Overall, this sounds like a compelling novel with an original premise, but that premise didn't immediately jump at me from the blurb, I had to dig for it.
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Mar 5, 2023 03:11
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Um, hi everyone. I wrote a short romance story about two high school guys and wanted to get some critiques on it. I plan on doing more with these characters. Anything will be helpful. Thank you in advance for your time. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DtbK50S5GTumKdKrGeIydtqp5oEKhJxsPCG1O1r34R8/edit?usp=sharing
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Mar 7, 2023 15:14
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BigRed0427 posted:Um, hi everyone. I wrote a short romance story about two high school guys and wanted to get some critiques on it. I plan on doing more with these characters. Anything will be helpful. Thank you in advance for your time. I didn't read the whole thing, but a few things jumped out at me in the beginning: You use a lot of "was / were" constructions, which should usually be avoided in favor of stronger verbs. Make the subject of the sentence act, even if the subject of the sentence is a table and the action is standing there. For example, it is usually better to write something like "a table stood against the wall", rather than "there was a table by the wall." There is also a dearth of sensory impressions until we get to the smell of cookies towards the end of the paragraph, but then I am already getting bored. Mary Robinette Kowal has a very good video on short stories, where she talks about the importance of starting with strong sensory impressions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blehVIDyuXk Lastly, it is not entirely clear if we are seeing things from Ronnie's or Jake's perspective. I think we shift to Jake at the end? I would move the smell of cookies to the beginning of the first paragraph and write something like: Me posted:"The smell of cookies nearby made Ronni hungry and distracted him from his classwork. He and Jake sat in their usual seats at the back of the room, trying to make it through the last class of Friday - Geometry. Ronnie sucked at math, but he tried his hardest to keep up and get the most important things down, even though it was all Greek to him. I hope this is useful. I am the kind of person who can't resist trying to rewrite everything in my own style  .SimonChris posted:I need a second opinion on this. I am normally a fan of starting in medias res, but I think at least some of the slice-of-life scenes in the beginning are necessary for the rest to have the full impact. This is now on* Amazing Stories. 10/10, would use thread again. * Not in Amazing Stories since the magazine is on hiatus, but on their website. Whatever, I'll take it. SimonChris fucked around with this message at 12:18 on Jul 2, 2023 |
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Jul 2, 2023 12:13
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Hi! I'm looking for crits on my short (only 3800 words!) that was popular on /r/HFY and Tumblr. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JDMXf4fCDpKDqvjeLEQzlhA1F8jMvj5mMFcZV0mP9nA/edit?usp=sharing This is a self contained story, but I plan on using the crits on my longer stuff. Thanks for reading!
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Jul 15, 2023 00:14
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beep-beep car is go posted:Hi! I'm looking for crits on my short (only 3800 words!) that was popular on /r/HFY and Tumblr. It sounds pretty good, just a grammar thing or two, like 'their' at the bottom of the 2nd page. Since it's a spaceship, maybe sex up the 'engine overhaul' and 'voltmeter' since it sounds like you're working on truck. Like, I dunno, 'change the quantum filters on the antimatter boosters' with her '4D scanner', or something more science spacey. Some of the dialogue could be better here and there, give the captain a bit more character or w/e, I'm no expert on this, but keep doing your thing.
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Jul 15, 2023 02:51
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beep-beep car is go posted:Hi! I'm looking for crits on my short (only 3800 words!) that was popular on /r/HFY and Tumblr. quote:The human made an entry into his pad. It chirruped at him, and he narrows his eyes slightly. He sighs and looks up at Shimmer. All of these verbs should be in the same tense for the story to work: right now, there’s an awkward shift between “chirruped” and “narrows” which takes me out of the story.
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Jul 15, 2023 03:06
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rohan posted:I’ll try and offer a more substantive crit later, but on a quick first read I’d recommend paying attention to your tenses: you begin in past, and then switch to present when Captain Shimmer reminisces, and then you alternate back and forth a bit. eg: Tense errors are my cross to bear. It’s the thing I seemingly have the most trouble with. Thanks! I’ll go correct them.
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Jul 15, 2023 03:27
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beep-beep car is go posted:Tense errors are my cross to bear. It’s the thing I seemingly have the most trouble with. Thanks! I’ll go correct them. I think your narrative felt more confident in the past tense narration, but it might be worth experimenting between rewriting scenes in each tense to see how it changes the story and how you tell it.
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Jul 15, 2023 03:31
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rohan posted:I think your narrative felt more confident in the past tense narration, but it might be worth experimenting between rewriting scenes in each tense to see how it changes the story and how you tell it. That makes sense. I write a lot in past tense for my day job, it makes sense it comes more naturally.
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Jul 15, 2023 14:16
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A tiny bit of thread necromancy so that I may request feedback on the blurb for my second book. This would be a follow up to All In should you have seen it mentioned in other threads. Thanks in advance. quote:Xenia Findlay despises her new life in the sleepy town of Porter Valley. After tragedy tore her from her home in Los Angeles, she was taken in by a Great-Aunt she hardly knows. In spite of this kindness, Xenia’s miserable, alone and bullied. Just as she’s ready to succumb to her grief, she wakes one morning to find that everything she knew about the world was wrong.
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Aug 14, 2023 21:02
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Now available at Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CHBJ7X7W I could use some feedback on this story about building power armor for ghosts. Any comments are welcome .
SimonChris fucked around with this message at 16:11 on Sep 5, 2023 |
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Aug 17, 2023 09:23
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CaptainCrunch posted:A tiny bit of thread necromancy so that I may request feedback on the blurb for my second book. This would be a follow up to All In should you have seen it mentioned in other threads. Thanks in advance. Your opening paragraph is all about how Xenia despises her life, everything sucks, and everyone is mean to her. This doesn't make me want to keep reading. Since "Magic is real" is the main hook for you book, I would move that to the beginning and maybe weave in some stuff about her earlier life later. A blurb should not be a chronological summary. Honestly, I think it works pretty well if you just cut the first paragraph entirely: CaptainCrunch posted:Magic is real.
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Aug 18, 2023 14:05
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Good point. Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. Ok, power armor for ghosts? Clicking that link now... Edit: Tore through it. Enjoyable little read! I left my comments in the google docs itself. CaptainCrunch fucked around with this message at 00:09 on Aug 19, 2023 |
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Aug 18, 2023 21:23
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I'm really happy to announce that I've just had my first book published. It's a tongue in cheek, cozy murder mystery. I'd not have gotten even close to publishing without the support of the goons in this thread so thank you - you know who you are! When I paid 10 bux to join something awful 17 years ago (gently caress I'm old) I never thought it would lead to me writing a book. Anyway if a light hearted whodunnit is something you're into please take a look https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CJRGFM3D
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Sep 25, 2023 19:43
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Purchased. I cheerfully admit I might not read it for a year because my backlog is longer than (your favorite puerile joke here) but I'll try to remember to comment when I finally do.
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Sep 25, 2023 22:50
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You should post in the Goon Book thread in Book Barn, too. I’ve bought a copy (even though I’ve already read it  )
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Sep 25, 2023 22:59
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Eric the Mauve posted:Purchased. I cheerfully admit I might not read it for a year because my backlog is longer than (your favorite puerile joke here) but I'll try to remember to comment when I finally do. Thanks! Frankly if you've bought it I don't care if you read it or not
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Sep 28, 2023 15:12
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