|
Nettle Soup posted:Final verdict: epidurals are magic. Modern medicine is awesome and you should take full advantage of it if you can. Complete gamechanger, inventor deserves a public holiday in their honour. Maybe two. Three if we can swing it. Congratulations!
|
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jan 19, 2026 05:42 |
|
Nettle Soup posted:Final verdict: epidurals are magic. Modern medicine is awesome and you should take full advantage of it if you can. Complete gamechanger, inventor deserves a public holiday in their honour. Maybe two. Three if we can swing it. This is all totally accurate and true. Also, congrats!
|
|
|
|
Nettle Soup posted:Final verdict: epidurals are magic. Modern medicine is awesome and you should take full advantage of it if you can. Complete gamechanger, inventor deserves a public holiday in their honour. Maybe two. Three if we can swing it. Congratulations!!! The epidural was the best choice I ever made, no glory in suffering if you don't want to. See you over in the parenting thread
|
|
|
|
my wife wanted to resist the epidural as much as possible, but maybe an hour in we broke the emergency glass and went for it and while i wasn't the pregnant one, it was night and day yeah. magical stuff i did lol that they made me sit on a stool in the corner behind a curtain while they inserted it though. which is fine, i didn't need to see that, it was just funny going into time out for a little while the medical professionals took over helping. i thought i was doing pretty good with what i had to offer, personally
|
|
|
|
I ended up with two epidural births (one induction, one spontaneous) and one no-epidural induction birth. In the latter things went too fast between water breaking and pushing, anesthesia couldn’t place it quickly/accurately enough and I just said f it after a couple attempts. Epidural births were way more chill, but I spent longer in the later stages of labor. With the no epidural I feel like my contractions were decently mild until the water broke- I think I would feel differently about the lack of pain meds if 7-10cm had gone slower or pushing took longer, but it was very quick and I didn’t get much time to dwell on it. I felt like I physically recovered much quicker from that birth, but I also don’t know if the epidural played a role in that, as births are all quite varied and a lot is outside of your control. Overall, I’m glad I went in with a preference for an epidural but had also considered how I would manage pain without it because lol life is chaos.
|
|
|
|
I wanted to try without, then they did a check and said "congrats, you're almost 2cm dilated"and I decided gently caress that, gently caress this, gently caress trying the alternatives, give me the good drugs. I did take a drip of paracetamol but who knows if it did anything. I could move and feel my feet mostly normally, but felt nothing pain-wise after it went in, right up until they started me on the oxytocin for pushing. Initially went in on the 20th for a final routine ultrasound and the doctor said they were only 2.7kg, instead of the 3.1 estimated at the last scan two weeks before. She measured 3 times. So I got to stay there and be induced 3 days early. It took 2 days for the pills to take, then my waters broke at 3am on the 23rd, which was the due date anyway. Epidural went in somewhere around 9am and it was over at 20:15ish after 15 minutes of pushing. There was some drama because they wete facing in a very awkward direction, wouldn't move, had crapped in the water, and every now and again a contraction would drop the heartrate to 50, but baby came out crying, perfect, and 3.1kg after all. We'll see about the the parenting thread, I'm very aware of oversharing things that will live on the internet forever. Nettle Soup fucked around with this message at 14:21 on May 28, 2025 |
|
|
|
|
Hi all, I originally posted this in the E/N Relationships thread but realized it is much more appropriate here. I've been with my wife for 11 years and we're both 40 +/- 1 year. We were never gung ho about having kids but we pulled the IUD about 3 years ago to see what would happen and let fates decide. We had no bites for those years and had contentedly resigned ourselves to a child-free life. Then last night I get back from picking up dinner and am presented with a positive test. The last 18 hours have been very overwhelming and I guess I just wanted to get a few things off my chest and hear some feedback. My feelings are a mixed of: - loss for a lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to but have known for a while I need to mitigate anyways (habitual wine with dinner, off-and-on smoking, tons of free time to waste) - excitement for the possibilities - terror of the possibilities of something going wrong My wife is primarily stuck in the loss part. She is a prolific academic and accustomed to frequent international travel and being able to devote most of her time and energy to writing and research. She is also very habit oriented and things that disrupt those routines can be very problematic. So her reaction has been oscillating between overwhelmed and actively sad. After the immediate first steps of getting a prenatal doctor visit on the books, the next has been navigating how to deal with a bunch of social plans coming up and how to either extract ourselves or somehow deflect from typical participation without it being obvious why since we are not ready to publicly announce. I guess my big concerns that I'd love some feedback on are: 1) How typical is it that this is our reaction to this news and what does that imply? I know life isn't a hallmark movie where this type of news is met with a orchestral crescendo and jumping for joy but I was hoping for a level of excitement that I am only halfway there for and she isn't in the same zip code as. 2) How does one transition from an independent careerist mindset and allow for the introduction of maternal feelings/instincts/tendencies. 3) What are things I can do to help her in this difficult time? I am already extremely dutiful and available, physically and emotionally, but if there are some specific things I am all ears. I guess I'm asking how worried I should be that this is how the first day of holding this news is going. e: I should add that we are aware that there is always the option to not have the baby but not actively considering it at this time. Salvor_Hardin fucked around with this message at 17:00 on Nov 21, 2025 |
|
|
|
Salvor_Hardin posted:Hi all, I originally posted this in the E/N Relationships thread but realized it is much more appropriate here. Here's a big wall of text from a man with a 2 year old son and another baby on the way... so I guess be warned this is all from the perspective of the one who didn't carry the baby. I think some of the problem is that you weren't actively trying to get pregnant, so you haven't been looking forward to having a kid. I don't know if now is the time to try and stoke that fire, though, because it might just overwhelm your wife further. Here's an anecdote, though: my wife's PhD advisor had given up on having kids, thought she couldn't conceive, then at age 40 she had a cyst removed from her uterus and shortly thereafter fell pregnant. She's an incredibly driven woman who would spend 10 hours at the university or in the lab, then go rock climbing... and she continued to do all that basically right up until delivery. She was up on the climbing wall with a huge belly. When the baby was born, she took a couple weeks off, then was right back in the office with her little girl napping in a bassinet. She would go to conferences and send back pumped breast milk Fedexed overnight. Her husband is also a professor, they both stayed in their jobs, they've been excellent parents (we've modeled a lot of our own practices on what they did). In my opinion, she managed so well because she's organized and routine-oriented (routines are great for kids!) and because she's the sort of person who can't do anything less than her best. 1) It's not uncommon to feel overwhelmed when you actually get the news, and I'm pretty sure everybody who has kids later in life feels a little pang for the loss of that comfortable DINK life... but personally, by the time I was past 35, I realized I didn't want to stay in that comfortable rut much longer. Examine your feelings -- maybe you're ready for that change too. 2) I don't think you need to make a conscious effort to "transition" from one mindset to another. You'll both feel more and more like parents as you prepare for the birth, and she'll be feeling physical changes too (wait til she starts feeling movements). Neither of you need to jettison your careers, but you should start investigating how things like maternity/paternity leave are going to work. 3) I'd suggest being gently positive about it, make sure she knows you're feeling some worries too. Also, I don't want to be a big goddamn downer, but there's a reason you're not supposed to announce to friends or family until you're past ~14 weeks. Be happily optimistic in this time, but while things are still so early it's not wise to get too invested. If she's committed to having the baby even if she doesn't currently feel good about it... well, let her take some time to process, and if she doesn't get fully on board until she feels the baby start to wiggle around, that's probably fine.
|
|
|
|
Salvor_Hardin posted:My wife is primarily stuck in the loss part. She is a prolific academic and accustomed to frequent international travel and being able to devote most of her time and energy to writing and research. She is also very habit oriented and things that disrupt those routines can be very problematic. we still frequently travel internationally for leisure, before my kid was 1 we did domestic trips from CA to Miami (4 months) and Manhattan (9 months), she's 5 now and has been to at least that many countries. my wife frequently travels for business internationally, Eastern Europe, Asia etc. when she's out of town i watch the kid solo, it's not a big deal plenty of women solo as single moms habit oriented is good, kids love routine. our 5yo knows "Mommy's working in her office" = don't bother her. if you set ground rules kids generally respect them you can be a good parent and not have kids disrupt your lifestyle, you just need to be proactive and meet their needs doctor's appointments and driving your kid to daycare is inconvenient but modern life is designed around raising kids, i think you guys will find it's actually not a big deal and also yeah don't count your chickens before they hatch, you'll need to schedule an ultrasound for 8wks (you're probably at 5.5-6wks right now) and order her some prenatal vitamins, she needs to stop drinking and smoking obviously, weeks 5-9 are where are the critical structures develop and alcohol in particular is known to disrupt that process 12 weeks is when you know if you're actually probably gonna have a baby anyways tl;dr you can still maintain your lifestyle with minor modifications, and order those prenatal vitamins now Hadlock fucked around with this message at 19:29 on Nov 21, 2025 |
|
|
|
This is really helpful and I'll be copy-pasting some snippets for sure. Thanks much.
|
|
|
|
Pham Nuwen posted:that comfortable DINK life... but personally, by the time I was past 35, I realized I didn't want to stay in that comfortable rut much longer. this is me, too my cousin and his wife actively decided not to have kids since we had our first, I've (silently) been like, what the hell are you going to do for the next 20 years? pretend you're 28 until you're 70? that sounds fun but also boring as heck every six months to a year, kiddo learns a new skill, and a new way to annoy us, it keeps us on our feet, and there is constant progression in her and our lives 40 is both the worst and best time to have kids imo, you're gonna be 60 when they're in college, probably not watch your grandkids be adults much; but also you got everything out of your 20s and 30s, but you still get to enjoy having kids, plus mid career, your financial situation isn't going to be nearly as stressful, hopefully
|
|
|
|
ill add its totally normal to be terrified that something will go wrong. as far as i can tell that never fully goes away. it probably won't go horribly wrong, though, and if it does it's gonna be manageable i was 38 when my son was born, probably in hindsight i would have done it a little sooner but there aint never a right time is there
|
|
|
|
Salvor_Hardin posted:1) How typical is it that this is our reaction to this news and what does that imply? I know life isn't a hallmark movie where this type of news is met with a orchestral crescendo and jumping for joy but I was hoping for a level of excitement that I am only halfway there for and she isn't in the same zip code as. My situation was completely difficult, but gently caress it, always post, right? I was 26, dating long distance because previous heartbreak had me very reluctant to commit to anything serious, and our contraception let us down. Upcoming fatherhood sent me into a tailspin and what I think might plausibly be called a nervous breakdown. It was the most productive period of my career, because as long as I worked, I didn't have to deal with my life, and brother, I could not deal with my wife. My girlfriend dumped me because she had to deal with being an unmarried mother and could not carry my freight at the same time. It took me six months to get my poo poo together and we were dating again before she gave birth, but I missed a lot of the pregnancy, and we didn't live together for years, and we didn't get married until our kid was 7. I enjoy being a dad. My kid is my favorite person in the whole world. I got a lot out of it. I don't know what life would be if I hadn't had kids, but in some ways, for sure, it would be less. So anyway.... obviously your reaction to the news could be pretty bad and still better than mine. You are fine. I found that paternal instincts kicked in very early and easily. You have this squaling bundle smaller than your forearm that depends entirely upon its parents for everything. I couldn't ignore that. Also, you have a basic drill for infants. Baby unhappy? Check diaper, offer bottle, and if none of those work, provide presence while they work it out. More bonds form as the child develops. Usually. I found it helpful to read What To Expect When You're Expecting, to help understand what my wife might go through, but of course it's different for everyone. Listen carefully. Listen to the words and the feelings behind them. This is a good time to start working on telling when someone is yelling for you to gently caress off when they actually need a hug, and when someone really needs you to gently caress off and give them space. You'll need that skill to cope with an adolescent anyway.
|
|
|
Hadlock posted:... Yeah I didn't want to tell anyone until after the NIPT results came through and I could breathe easier. You need to think seriously about if you're gonna have the test, and what to do with the results if they're bad.
|
|
|
|
|
Nettle Soup posted:Yeah I didn't want to tell anyone until after the NIPT results came through and I could breathe easier. You need to think seriously about if you're gonna have the test, and what to do with the results if they're bad. Yep, we were 100% aligned on that. When does that test become available? I am assuming this is the one that tests for genetic markers for a bunch of possible disorders.
|
|
|
|
It's for mainly different varieties of Downs. You can get it done at around 10 to 12 weeks.
|
|
|
|
|
earliest most places will order nist is 10 weeks your 8 week ultrasound will tell you a lot more, they'll be looking at a very specific heart rate range which will inform you on viability and likelihood of going to 10 weeks remember being 40 impacts viability quite a lot Hadlock fucked around with this message at 00:58 on Nov 22, 2025 |
|
|
|
Salvor_Hardin posted:
Grieving for your pre-child life is totally a thing! I certainly did and I tell people who are thinking about kids that they'll need to do it as well. Even though you'll (probably) love your kid and parenting, it is a huge change and you won't be able to do whatever you want whenever you feel like it (at least for the early years). This is really normal! Just remember you probably wouldn't keep on living your lifestyle forever anyway and you will gain new things to appreciate. Worst case scenario you go back to being a couch potato when you retire and your kid's in college. It's still so early and you have a lot to process, but it sounds like you have a great relationship built on mutual trust and respect. That's the kind of thing that will help make a good family. Give your wife the time that she needs, but help her see that this isn't the end of her life and career.
|
|
|
|
Salvor_Hardin posted:1) How typical is it that this is our reaction to this news and what does that imply? I know life isn't a hallmark movie where this type of news is met with a orchestral crescendo and jumping for joy but I was hoping for a level of excitement that I am only halfway there for and she isn't in the same zip code as. quote:2) How does one transition from an independent careerist mindset and allow for the introduction of maternal feelings/instincts/tendencies. Ultimately, "being a mom" just feels like another hat to wear along with my job, hobbies, and so on. I basically got a lot of practice in that role during parental leave, then I returned to work and I felt like I hadn't missed a beat there (after a few days of settling back in). Sometimes I feel a little guilty because I know that I'd never be happy as a full-time, stay-at-home mom, but I still love our boy and I'll love his little brother who's due next month. quote:3) What are things I can do to help her in this difficult time? I am already extremely dutiful and available, physically and emotionally, but if there are some specific things I am all ears.
|
|
|
|
I can't speak for how your feelings will change once the kid arrives, or your wife's maternal instincts kicking in, but my wife and I are mid-30s and expecting out first kid in March. Even though ours was a planned pregnancy and we do want kids, I don't feel entirely ready to give up the free time, lifestyle, and dedication to hobbies that I have enjoyed for the bulk of my adult life so far. There's definitely been some feelings of sadness/mourning over life-as-we-knew-it, and all the parents I talk to have experienced the same. I can imagine that when it was unplanned that feeling probably hits even harder and more suddenly. At least from the people I have talked to though, it sounds like those feelings melt away pretty quickly once you actually are focused on raising your child, and instead of feeling sad about what you could have been doing you get excited to see your kid through new experiences and share things you love with them. I'm super excited to share my hobbies and interests with my future-son and watch him find the things he is passionate about. It's been nice reading the responses from others in here and reinforcing that this stuff is totally normal to experience.
|
|
|
|
Ours was very much planned but even a year out I'm sometimes like drat I miss my old life. Some things are still possible depending on your baby's willingness to be portable (my little guy loves restaurants so he can gawk at people). Seconding the notion I'd be miserable as a full time SAHM. I really like my job and the intellectual challenges of it, and the time away means I feel more ready to put my all into the time I do spend with the baby. And daycare has been great for socializing, practicing solids, and just getting to scoot around in a very babyproofed space. If things continue to progress and go well for y'all, my biggest piece of advice is to be PROACTIVE AS gently caress. Start practicing now, looking around the house and noticing little things that could be done. Dishes that made it to the counter but not the dishwasher. That one sock that fell short of the hamper. The thing that drove me up the loving wall was being told to go rest, without the teller actually taking over what I was doing. I don't care if you don't think it's important, it was important to me and if I ~go rest~ then I just have to finish it later instead of finishing now and then resting.
|
|
|
|
My advice for fighting the miss-my-old-life blues is: make sure you both get leisure time. Every Tuesday after work my partner fucks off to do whatever and I collect the kid from daycare and we hit the library or park or just build legos at home. On Thursdays I jet to do something and my kid and partner go have some quality time together. It's really, really nice to know that there's a solid block of 3-4 hours that's just mine to use, every week. In the first few months I had a hard time justifying being away until I reframed it in my mind that it was also really important for my kid and his dad to have time to do their own thing.
|
|
|
|
i suspect this is also why a lot of regular gym goers have a gym membership, or join the local adult league softball team. getting out of the house to get healthy outdoor physical activity is the ultimate free hall pass for avoiding child care for 2-4 hours. bonus points if you join a gym/league that's more than 20 minute drive from your house each way If you're in the house you're inevitably going to get roped into some tangential childcare task, locking the door to your home office and playing call of duty doesn't count for whatever reason as you're still on call as long as you're on the premises currently typing this while baby #2 sucks down 2oz of formula while my wife is at her mom's house probably watching soap operas not thinking about her own children for 12+ hours Hadlock fucked around with this message at 20:42 on Nov 22, 2025 |
|
|
|
Doll House Ghost posted:My advice for fighting the miss-my-old-life blues is: make sure you both get leisure time. Every Tuesday after work my partner fucks off to do whatever and I collect the kid from daycare and we hit the library or park or just build legos at home. On Thursdays I jet to do something and my kid and partner go have some quality time together. It's really, really nice to know that there's a solid block of 3-4 hours that's just mine to use, every week. Yeah, this makes a huge difference
|
|
|
|
Hadlock posted:If you're in the house you're inevitably going to get roped into some tangential childcare task, locking the door to your home office and playing call of duty doesn't count for whatever reason as you're still on call as long as you're on the premises Yeah, being out of the house is definitely the key, otherwise you start to think about chores or are on call as you said. Use your leisure time selfishly, revel in it.
|
|
|
|
My wife had her first IUI 14 days ago, and this morning we were greeted with a positive pregnancy test. We're now in the awkward period of trying our best to not get excited until we can talk to our doctor on Monday and go in for blood work. It's hard not too though, especially since my wife has been taking Progesterone for over a year at this point. If you goons have any advice on how to navigate this early period from having gone through it yourselves, that'd be mighty appreciated. Thanks!
|
|
|
|
Early, extremely cautious congratulations! What specifically do you want to know Statistically yeah don't tell anyone until the 8 week mark, and then at the 12 week mark you can tell people besides close siblings and parents For me, I just spend that time doing a bunch of unhealthy theory crafting and reviewing blood test results and comparing them to a virtually unlimited number of commentary and scientific studies available online You'll take some blood tests a couple days apart and that'll tell you if the growth is in the good zone, and then they'll measure heartrate at a future appointment. Healthy/strong growth follows a very reliable cadence which is very extremely well documented
|
|
|
|
Hadlock posted:Early, extremely cautious congratulations! Yeah, we're both trying our best to stay out of that unhealthy theory crafting headspace, but it's like trying to stop iron filings from sticking to a magnet. We've gotten used to negative tests every cycle, so it's hard to take this and not run with it. But like you said, we have to be cautious and aware for a while longer. If anyone has any tips on staying leveled or personal anecdotes for what worked to help distract them during a similar period, that'd help. I tried to get my wife addicted to Balatro but it didn't work.
|
|
|
|
The first 12 weeks is basically don’t get too high or too low. Lots of chance of miscarriage / nonviability for whatever reasons, but also all babies who are born go through the first 12 weeks so try not to get too down the whatever rabbit hole because it’s all out there and much of it is dark. Trust your care team, communicate with them, and don’t be afraid to make some changes if you’re not getting what you need. Better to do this early if you do it. Lots of advice about what to eat / what not to eat (which is pretty much all old wives tales bullshit) for mom but in the end for us it was just like “whatever doesn’t make mom nauseous” so triscuits and berries. Hydrate and an appropriate multivitamin is always good advice.
|
|
|
|
KYOON GRIFFEY JR posted:The first 12 weeks is basically don’t get too high or too low. Lots of chance of miscarriage / nonviability for whatever reasons, but also all babies who are born go through the first 12 weeks so try not to get too down the whatever rabbit hole because it’s all out there and much of it is dark. Trust your care team, communicate with them, and don’t be afraid to make some changes if you’re not getting what you need. Better to do this early if you do it. Thanks! We were able to talk to our doctor yesterday and feel a lot more assured now. And now we wait.
|
|
|
|
Katana_Warrior posted:My wife had her first IUI 14 days ago, and this morning we were greeted with a positive pregnancy test. We're now in the awkward period of trying our best to not get excited until we can talk to our doctor on Monday and go in for blood work. It's hard not too though, especially since my wife has been taking Progesterone for over a year at this point. We also just had our first round of IUI and thankfully it was successful. After the first test came back positive we couldn’t believe it and took one twice a day just to prove to ourselves it was real until we went back for the blood test. We just went in at eight weeks and saw a heartbeat which was an incredible thing. We’re now in this phase where it feels like we are holding out breathe until we hit that twelve week mark. We keep getting excited about things, but then try and tamp it down so we’re not so heartbroken if things go wrong. No real advice, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in going through this.
|
|
|
|
Chiming in, just did first round ivf, after 2 and half years of trying, seems to have taken. Only on week 6, trying hard to keep calm and cool for 6 more weeks. Absolutely no planning talk aside from checking out how we get a midwife and if we need one. People say you can be SOL by week 9 (Germany), and we plan to move in March to a city am hour away. No pressure!
|
|
|
|
Never had an issue getting a midwife here in Germany, pretty much every one we tried had space. Whereabouts are you/where are you moving to?
|
|
|
|
|
Nettle Soup posted:Never had an issue getting a midwife here in Germany, pretty much every one we tried had space. Whereabouts are you/where are you moving to? Cologne, moving to Düsseldorf. Good to hear it's not as bad as people make it out to be. I'm pretty whatever on if it we get one or not, the house visits post birth to weigh and check in on baby sound like the biggest benefit for me, I grew up surrounded by babies and pregnancy talk. My partner will probably appreciate a professional available for questions and concerns though.
|
|
|
|
Yeah they weren't much use to me either because my mum was a foster carer for newborns. Then after the birth her dad died and she got COVID and then she never responded to any of my messages again. 😬 It was good to have somebody you could rely on though, and you'll need one after for a Rückbildungskurs.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jan 19, 2026 05:42 |
|
Just got back from our 8 week ultrasound! We have chilled out a bit since those first few days, but it sure is a relief being able to see a real heartbeat. Ethiser posted:We also just had our first round of IUI and thankfully it was successful. After the first test came back positive we couldn’t believe it and took one twice a day just to prove to ourselves it was real until we went back for the blood test. We just went in at eight weeks and saw a heartbeat which was an incredible thing. We’re now in this phase where it feels like we are holding out breathe until we hit that twelve week mark. We keep getting excited about things, but then try and tamp it down so we’re not so heartbroken if things go wrong. Thanks for sharing! I do get what you mean, with having to get an IUI done in the first place it feels so weird that everything seems like it's working out on the first go-around. But shoot, Ill take it.
|
|
|



























