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His Divine Shadow posted:Ideally I'd want them to have different friends, but we don't even really know who these friends are in real life. Only that Daniel says he has them. So that's why I have suggested for him to take the bike to school and look for said friends there. Kids hang out at the playgrounds there. Don't think he'll go on his own though. What about when kids stop hanging out with David because they know they'll be forced to hang with Daniel and they don't want to so they just stop hanging with David too. Its a very lovely situation, but David is allowed to have his own friends and those friends don't have to also like Daniel. I would focus more on helping Daniel and less on forcing anyone into a social situation that they don't want to be in. Unless these kids are 5ish years old. But if they are tweens/teens, you probably need to have a chat with David about letting Daniel hang sometimes, but he doesn't have to all the time and to chat with Daniel about not having expectations that David's always going to invite him to hang with his friends.
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Jun 11, 2025 15:01
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My daughter asks me all the time what my "favorite X" or "favorite Y" or whatever is, and I'm just not the kind of person with a single favorite so I always give unsatisfying, vacillating responses. She's really frustrated by this! I'm supposed to have one favorite song? A single favorite food? With the wealth of options I'm presented with? I'm doing my best to answer but I can't whittle it down that far! The funniest part is we're usually talking about this while she's roller-skating, so she's getting snippy with me while waving her arms around and hopping over cracks. It's an odd juxtaposition.
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Jun 11, 2025 15:18
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sheri posted:What about when kids stop hanging out with David because they know they'll be forced to hang with Daniel and they don't want to so they just stop hanging with David too. I don't agree that kids should be allowed to exclude each other like that though. Freezing people out when they want to be part of the group. The schools here will count that as bullying too if it happens there, part of the anti-bullying program. In this case Daniel wants to join, at least sometimes. Which right now seems to be working after we have pointed it out. Focus seems to be on David and his friend mostly, but at least Daniel isn't actively excluded or told to leave when he gets close, on his own yard. I don't care how many friends David would lose, but that kind of behavior I just couldn't tolerate without speaking up. Does seem the kids got the message though and it hasn't caused undue issues. I don't think that kids can sort these things out themselves, they are bastards who will redevelop bullying from scratch every single generation unless trained all their youth not to. Which the curriculum in Finland tries to achieve. They need adults all the time telling them when they are being shits. Even into their teens. His Divine Shadow fucked around with this message at 15:40 on Jun 11, 2025 |
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Jun 11, 2025 15:23
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sheri posted:Then you just get sick constantly for 2 years after they start kindergarten. You can't avoid it, you can only shift when it happens. This isn’t strictly true; a lot of bugs don’t form long-term immunity. A norovirus infection avoided at 2 does not rob you of defense against the same virus at 4, because you would be defenseless anyway. There is no immunity past a few weeks at best.
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Jun 11, 2025 15:36
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I’m totally going to curse my family by saying this, but in two years of daycare we haven’t had any continuous sicknesses or any major outbreaks of anything with a name. Some sick days from mild fevers and diarrhea here and there, some minor sniffles and runny noses in the winter, but otherwise has been mostly fine. Our experience with daycare has been very positive. Started at about 6-7 mos and now at almost 2 and a half our kiddo loves their friends and teachers and it’s really awesome to see them build relationships with both other kids and other adults outside our family. Plus logistically it's just so much simpler than any other option when there is a facility with enough staff to cover most issues and provides meals. Have had to listen to plenty of friends complain about finding/losing nannies, nanny shares splitting up for various reasons, part time or irregular care, etc. No shade, but it's reallllyy nice to not worry about all that. Our kid loves running through the list of friends and teacher names, and now can even start to tell us simple details about what they did with who during the day. It’s very adorable. It's also really cool to see how good they are getting with stuff like sharing, taking turns, and general good social behavior (for a 2-3 year old, at least). And we’ve made a few parent friends through it as well that we see outside of daycare for fun, so extra bonus. Guinness fucked around with this message at 16:05 on Jun 11, 2025 |
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Jun 11, 2025 15:52
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Guinness posted:I’m totally going to curse my family by saying this, but in two years of daycare we haven’t had any continuous sicknesses or any major outbreaks of anything with a name.
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Jun 11, 2025 15:54
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Yeah lemme just emptyquote Guinness’ post except for with a 18 month old who’s been in daycare for about 10 mos. KG3 recognizes his friends and has definitely gotten a lot out of observing other kids. A nanny would not provide that. Our daycare also has a lot of access to early interventions, which you definitely won’t get through a nanny. We did get HFM but that was from a friend coming over to play so I can’t even be too mad about daycare on that one, and it was mild.
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Jun 11, 2025 16:11
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His Divine Shadow posted:I don't agree that kids should be allowed to exclude each other like that though. Freezing people out when they want to be part of the group. The schools here will count that as bullying too if it happens there, part of the anti-bullying program. In this case Daniel wants to join, at least sometimes. Which right now seems to be working after we have pointed it out. Focus seems to be on David and his friend mostly, but at least Daniel isn't actively excluded or told to leave when he gets close, on his own yard. I don't care how many friends David would lose, but that kind of behavior I just couldn't tolerate without speaking up. Does seem the kids got the message though and it hasn't caused undue issues. Does this process work? And I guess, what does work even mean? What is the desired goal? Anti bullying is all well and good, but some kids are really annoying and others don't want to spend time with them. Forcing this seems like it would generate problems elsewhere.
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Jun 11, 2025 16:12
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I get the sense that some of this is getting displaced on to David and the other kid because that's where the OP can actually effect change easily, It is a difficult situation as a parent but it doesn't seem like the OP is really pursuing solutions that don't involve engaging David (eg, getting David to go to the park with Daniel, getting David to stick up for Daniel, getting David to make sure that Daniel is included, etc). I want to reiterate that this is not fair to David. You've got to help Daniel solve this problem independently, or else you won't have solved the problem.
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Jun 11, 2025 16:38
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I've reached my lowest point as a parent. I typed up a whole post about it but it just turned into an unhelpful vent. Bottom line is that my kid has been very dysregulated lately and I am handling it extremely poorly in a way that just serves to escalate everyone's distress. I used to be so patient but now I am losing my cool almost on a daily basis.
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Jun 11, 2025 17:41
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wizzardstaff posted:I've reached my lowest point as a parent. I typed up a whole post about it but it just turned into an unhelpful vent. Bottom line is that my kid has been very dysregulated lately and I am handling it extremely poorly in a way that just serves to escalate everyone's distress. I used to be so patient but now I am losing my cool almost on a daily basis. You're not alone. I've struggled with regulating my frustration. Sleep deprivation makes it so much harder too. I think the big thing is to apologize when you get it wrong. We're never going to be perfect, but if we model for them how you repair after a mistake or blow up, it helps a lot.
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Jun 11, 2025 17:57
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Brawnfire posted:My daughter asks me all the time what my "favorite X" or "favorite Y" or whatever is, and I'm just not the kind of person with a single favorite And of course just after I post that she gets me to claim a favorite type of doughnut. She's going to rub that in my face for so long.
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Jun 11, 2025 18:19
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Brawnfire posted:And of course just after I post that she gets me to claim a favorite type of doughnut. She's going to rub that in my face for so long. well what is it
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Jun 11, 2025 18:26
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wizzardstaff posted:I've reached my lowest point as a parent. I typed up a whole post about it but it just turned into an unhelpful vent. Bottom line is that my kid has been very dysregulated lately and I am handling it extremely poorly in a way that just serves to escalate everyone's distress. I used to be so patient but now I am losing my cool almost on a daily basis. Repair is important, dr becky has some good stuff on that point. Eg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpPtdk9rco https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV5vSgpT6ho
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Jun 11, 2025 18:26
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Brawnfire posted:And of course just after I post that she gets me to claim a favorite type of doughnut. She's going to rub that in my face for so long. Well?????? wizzardstaff posted:I've reached my lowest point as a parent. I typed up a whole post about it but it just turned into an unhelpful vent. Bottom line is that my kid has been very dysregulated lately and I am handling it extremely poorly in a way that just serves to escalate everyone's distress. I used to be so patient but now I am losing my cool almost on a daily basis. Bandit can only do it because an episode of Bluey is 8 minutes.
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Jun 11, 2025 18:27
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Renegret posted:Well?????? Ill be god damned if im not as good a dad as an ideal, scripted, fictional dog.
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Jun 11, 2025 18:30
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wizzardstaff posted:I've reached my lowest point as a parent. I typed up a whole post about it but it just turned into an unhelpful vent. Bottom line is that my kid has been very dysregulated lately and I am handling it extremely poorly in a way that just serves to escalate everyone's distress. I used to be so patient but now I am losing my cool almost on a daily basis. I don't have much advice because it's something I wrestle with too, but the fact that you recognize this is happening, are ashamed of it, and want it to change is a sign that you're probably not a terrible parent.
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Jun 11, 2025 18:59
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There's no shame in putting the kid in front of the TV or tablet with some ice cream and everyone just taking a break after school for 2-3 days in a row You don't like, want to make the tv their parent but your mental health is super important and if you're not in a good place, you're going to struggle to get them to a good place My wife will periodically, once a month spend the night at her mom's house, away from me and the kiddo, eat comfort food, watch her tv etc and that's a really good reset for her. It's different for everyone, for me it probably involves mario kart or whatever unrelated: what's the daycare summer situation for kindergarteners during the summer? my mom had a flexible stay at home Mom job and i recall mostly hanging out at the house all summer. NYT posted an article about this recently https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/08/style/summer-camp-kids-do-nothing.html am I really expected to send my kid to 3-12 week long summer camps for the entire summer? school is out here and i see lots of kids 6-10 on their bikes and selling lemonade like something out of leave it to beaver. I'm pretty sure most of those kids both of their parents work full time
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Jun 11, 2025 19:09
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wizzardstaff posted:I've reached my lowest point as a parent. I typed up a whole post about it but it just turned into an unhelpful vent. Bottom line is that my kid has been very dysregulated lately and I am handling it extremely poorly in a way that just serves to escalate everyone's distress. I used to be so patient but now I am losing my cool almost on a daily basis. I wouldn't mind a bit more detail, as an upcoming parent. I don't really know what "disregulated" actually means. Throwing a fit? And you losing your cool means what, yelling at your kid?
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Jun 11, 2025 19:17
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I think the answers are going to be very different for different kids, especially at different ages. The summer before kindergarten, my kid definitely needed the structure and activities of camp. We’re doing camp this summer as well, but might do fewer weeks after 1st grade. That said, when I was a bit older and my parents worked outside of the house, I absolutely hated summer vacation aside from my camp weeks. I was just stuck playing alone or hanging around the house most days because we were somewhat rural and I couldn’t really go and do anything and I don’t want that for my kids.
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Jun 11, 2025 19:27
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Hadlock posted:unrelated: what's the daycare summer situation for kindergarteners during the summer? my mom had a flexible stay at home Mom job and i recall mostly hanging out at the house all summer. NYT posted an article about this recently Until they're old enough* to be home alone, it's basically camps, daycare, family, friends, etc. Most daycares have specific summer programs. I know some teachers in my district will run in-home daycares in the summer. Our school district has a summer program as well. But once they're old enough*, leave them home alone and hope they don't burn the house down. * "Old enough" is extremely subjective and individual.
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Jun 11, 2025 20:42
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Count Roland posted:I wouldn't mind a bit more detail, as an upcoming parent. I don't really know what "disregulated" actually means. Throwing a fit? And you losing your cool means what, yelling at your kid? Imagine what it's like to be in an emotionally regulated state. Then imagine the opposite. It comes in many different forms but it's never pretty. The important thing to keep in perspective is that it is about a loss of control of emotions, not inherently being a bad kid. For example last night she wanted to paint her nails in advance of a special day at kindergarten, but she was worried that they would get messed up overnight because she knew a story I'd told her about one time my nail polish got scuffed. We used a quick-drying polish which did exactly what it was supposed to do but she was still anxious and insisted that they weren't dry. She started screaming at me to make them dry, but refused every practical suggestion. (Use a fan? No, it hurts her ears. Blow on them? No, that's gross. Wave a stiff piece of paper? No that won't work that won't work THAT WON'T WORK!!!) So she sat there with fingers uselessly curled in front of her, saying that she was tired and wanted to go to bed but couldn't go to bed until her room was cleaned and couldn't clean her room until her nails were dry. Eventually once she accepted that the nails were dry, she wanted help cleaning so my wife started to get some momentum going by putting away a necklace that was on the floor. That led to more screaming because she said that she wanted to be the one to put the necklace away, and now she couldn't do it even if it was put back on the floor. Through all of this she was keenly aware that it was getting late (we started the whole sequence over an hour before bedtime and now it was an hour late) and the mounting time pressure also contributed to her anxiety. She's not a "bad kid" and she wasn't being disobedient or defiant. She genuinely wanted to be in bed so she could rest up and have a good day the next day. But she was anxious about something and wasn't able to handle that emotion, to regulate it. The trigger for the meltdown wasn't really the nail polish, the real issue was that she encountered a problem that she didn't have the capacity to handle. Being well-rested and fed and having other daily needs can have an effect on that capacity but it's also a function of age and emotional growth and other aspects of development. I know all of that, I know that I should extend myself the same grace as a parent. When I get upset and angry it's not because I am inherently a bad mom, it's because my own emotions are pushing into a level I can't handle. And yet I still beat myself up about it, because I should be able to handle them, I should know better, I should have already learned that skill of keeping my cool. Yelling in her face is not going to improve anyone's capacity for emotional regulation. And yet.
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Jun 11, 2025 21:00
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KYOON GRIFFEY JR posted:well what is it Renegret posted:Well?????? Just a simple glazed ring.
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Jun 11, 2025 21:22
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Hadlock posted:There's no shame in putting the kid in front of the TV or tablet with some ice cream and everyone just taking a break after school for 2-3 days in a row My wife recently got mad when her friend shared a momfluencer post about minimizing screen time to be Fully Present with your kid. It helped to for us to vent through how the friend works full time and has said she only gets a handful of hours with her kid. It’s different when you’re a stay at home parent and need 30 minutes of stillness. Plus the momfluencer is fully monetizing her kid’s childhood which is garbage behavior.
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Jun 11, 2025 21:29
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Democratic Pirate posted:momfluencer post about minimizing screen time to be Fully Present with your kid lmao ‘Put down your phone but make sure you like and subscribe for the latest content. Be sure to check out my affiliate links for minimalist montessori decor!’
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Jun 12, 2025 00:24
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Democratic Pirate posted:My wife recently got mad when her friend shared a momfluencer post about minimizing screen time to be Fully Present with your kid.
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Jun 12, 2025 00:25
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Hadlock posted:am I really expected to send my kid to 3-12 week long summer camps for the entire summer? school is out here and i see lots of kids 6-10 on their bikes and selling lemonade like something out of leave it to beaver. I'm pretty sure most of those kids both of their parents work full time We are in a relatively low cost summer camp area, in the neighborhood of 300/week for zoo/art museum/science center options rather than the almost $1000 quoted for NYC camps. And as an added bonus, they are full day rather than 8:30-2:30 that public school is, so we are able to take assorted half days if we want and get stuff done around the house or relax with no kids around, it's a no-brainer for us. Growing up I always went to summer day camps so I never really expected to do anything else with my own kids.
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Jun 12, 2025 01:54
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Brawnfire posted:My daughter asks me all the time what my "favorite X" or "favorite Y" or whatever is, and I'm just not the kind of person with a single favorite so I always give unsatisfying, vacillating responses. She's really frustrated by this! I just don't get too deep with "my favorite" questions. Does it really matter that I said my favorite food is pizza? I generally revert back to answers from when I was a kid. I'm really more interested that my daughter picks differant "favorites" than me. She likes to talk about our favorite dinosaurs lately and always get excited when they pop up in books and other media.
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Jun 12, 2025 04:29
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wizzardstaff posted:Imagine what it's like to be in an emotionally regulated state. Then imagine the opposite. It comes in many different forms but it's never pretty. The important thing to keep in perspective is that it is about a loss of control of emotions, not inherently being a bad kid. Hi, myself and kid (probably all of us who are we kidding) are ND which makes this more persistent and complicated but I'm in your shoes A Lot. The intense meltdowns have been happening for a few years now. It wears you down. It makes you more like the parent you don't want to be. It makes you need skills other parents don't need, and practice them in ways and under pressure other parents might not understand. It creates pressure and strain in your marriage/co-parenting relationship. It exacerbates the stress of every other thing. And then the guilty feeling that you're not doing your best after the fact drains your emotional reserve too. Grinding your teeth through every mother fucker hohoho yes my kid is absolutely atrocious do you know I had to ask them 3 times to clean their room before they finally did it hohoho like it's anyway the same as an 8 year old in the 99th percentile using their whole body against your apartment walls and squealing so much you're worried the neighbours might call the cops or worse your landlord. It's so loving hard. When you can't find your calm be kind to yourself. Apologise and explain why you're apologising. Explain how you understand how they feel when they can't control, and sometimes even grownups can't do it. Accept that it might happen again but the goal is to get a little better, every time, and keep practicing together. If it's becoming a regular feature of your lives or if it gets physical ever get intervention support as early as you can - someone to talk to, make a calm action plan with, who'll help you evaluate when the plan fails and dust yourself off for the next time.
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Jun 12, 2025 11:01
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G-Spot Run posted:Hi, myself and kid (probably all of us who are we kidding) are ND which makes this more persistent and complicated but I'm in your shoes A Lot. Thanks. Yeah, you get it. It really is A Lot, in fact it is Too Much.
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Jun 12, 2025 14:39
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Baby monitor? I don't really want an additional surveillance device in my home and I really don't want something sending info back into the cloud about what baby food we buy. Any basic monitors out there? I'd probably not mind one of those account RF ones but my partner wants video, which I can only assume is standard these days.
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Jun 12, 2025 19:59
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We’ve been using vtec dm-221, which sounds like what you want. A unit with a microphone goes in baby’s room, and you have two units with speakers that pair to it. No video, no getting on a local network to ship data somewhere, just basic audio. From a receiving unit, you can press a button to temporarily invert roles so that you can have a conversation between two units. If video is mandatory for your partner, there may be a slightly more upscale model with more features? We both felt like video was going to be crazy-making and anxiety-inducing, and so far the audio only hasn’t felt like we are missing anything.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:03
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Count Roland posted:Baby monitor? We just got this one from Babysense and before it had a similar Eufy one. We had a similar Eufy one that this replaced which was also fine. It's video, but RF/local-broadcast only - nothing is connected to any wifi or whatever. I also didn't want anything internet-connected and really didn't want to use a fuckin' app to see my kid from within my own house, so this type has been good for us. On the Eufy you could shut the screen off and use it audio-only, or it would turn the screen back on if the kid made a loud enough noise; I think the Babysense can too but haven't tried yet. In early baby days, I actually found the video to be the opposite of crazy-making. If we didn't have video I think we would have been popping in to look at the kid all the time, this way we could at least just look at the monitor to placate ourselves. We had lots of shared bonding time watching baby on the little screen. Our kid is 4 now and we would have just let the old monitor die without replacement - haven't *really* needed it for at least a year, since she just gets up and comes finds us - but we've got #2 on the way in a few months so we went ahead with replacement.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:16
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We have an RF video monitor too, in fact the audio died some time ago so we are video-only. Which is fine because you can hear them coughing or crying from upstairs anyway.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:27
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We had one of the no-wifi Eufy monitors as a baby, it worked well until it started crapping out after a year or so. Definitely good for the early months when you're paranoid, but after a year we realized we didn't need it anymore so never replaced it. Annoying that it died but agreed on the no wifi/cloud poo poo. So a lukewarm recommendation perhaps, but the offline models are slimmer pickins.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:27
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We've gone through a couple of the https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ECHYTBI?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_3 mostly the screen bit gets dropped from carrying around the house. No wifi, just audio/video over RF. I don't think it caused crazy parenting behavior, mostly just lets us see "wtf was that noise" and to push audio of "get back in bed" to the almost 4yo. It reaches from second story to the basement pretty well, which is nice. Mostly she does find us at this point though.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:29
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Make sure you get one that only activates audio and video it a sound for a specific threshold is reached. Otherwise you'll be waking up to every snort snuggle and snore your newborn makes.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:42
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Having a ton of trouble right now with our 5 year old and sleeping. She used to have bedtime at 6-30pm-ish, and she'd be asleep by roughly 7.30 after we spent time reading/cuddling her. But the last month she's just... not gone to sleep. First it was until 9pm, now it's almost 10pm. She has bursts of energy, she's over-tired, emotional, keeps calling us back etc. It's having a big knock-on effect on us because it means we don't get an evening to relax, and it means she's exhausted and emotional when it's time to get up for school. Her behaviour is definitely suffering. Anyone have any advice? We take her to bed at the same time we always have. We've tried going up later, which seemed to make things worse. When we go up earlier she just tosses and turns and shouts us back for hours. What are people's feelings on "you must be in bed trying to sleep" versus "you can play quietly in your room if you want to" after bedtime?
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Jun 12, 2025 20:43
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jabby posted:Having a ton of trouble right now with our 5 year old and sleeping. I just don’t see that working so I am curious to hear how others have dealt with this.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:50
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I would tend to agree with the ped there. I can’t speak for other kids but my daughter for sure cannot “read until she’s sleepy” or similar. She will literally just stay up until we come and turn the lights off. Only thing that works with her is a strict rule, very similar to your ped’s suggestion.
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Jun 12, 2025 20:59
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