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![]() ![]() Surreptitious Muffin: no use crying vs budgieinspector:Regarding the Second Girl in the Second Verse of "Five Years" (Round 1) Ok, so this was hard as balls. I liked both these. Surreptitious Muffin I think this is a revision away from being awesome. It keeps a lot of balls in the air - heat, cold, rock, mountains, spilt milk, weather, the sky, regret - and can't help but drop a couple, which takes some of the impact away. For instance the first para, below kicks rear end - simple and sinewy. “the single worst year of my life, I slaved under Genghis Khan or some distant relative in a coalmine outside Ulaanbaatar. In summer we burnt and in winter we froze,” Then you introduce the context and the other organishing set of weathery metaphors he said, finishing his drink. The straw played typhoon melodies in the foam; all grey-brown bruises and spilt milk. which doesn't play as well as it should with the story being told by our guy. Bringing in spilt milk/regret/the title feels like shoehorning in attention that should be being devoted to our sad Uzbek. “something in me got froze so bad - the sun melted it before I even saw her hot smile; something so small I never even knew what it was. 400 days and 400 nights I walked the desert trying to fill a hole that wasn't there.” Wouldn't be so bad, but I think the turnaround: Perhaps years passed before his granite hands made a mountain of matters. Is cute-witty rather than good witty. You've invoked a mythic quality that doesn't fit with the quotidian nature of sittin' round and milkshakin'. If you'd managed to nail the turnaround, I think this final para would land its hit better: then ordered another milkshake and made a tempest of the drinking. I could see the colour rising, the bruises fade. The sky outside was quiet and dour though inside I touched the heart of a storm. budgieinspector This is a v prosey poem, to the point where it would just about work as a short story. The wry Douglas Adams via John Osborne style is deployed consistently and with a diamond-sharp eye for detail that makes me think of Roger Gough. The subject matter is well-trodden enough that it could be painful in less skilled hands. But lines like 'face painted peach and lifelike', 'desolated flocks of dowdy sparrows waddled in their housecoats and rain bonnets' and 'the bruises she could easily conceal' are killer. And the ending is way more delightful than it should be. Judgment I hesitated over this call because I do like both the poems and wondered if I was giving too much credit to Mr Inspector for being accessible, but I think I'm not. This round of the brawl goes to budgieinspector. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 23:45 on Jan 12, 2013 |
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# ? Feb 10, 2025 20:17 |
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sebmojo posted:
I wasn't me. Would that I were so bloody active.
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sebmojo posted:Symptomless Coma:Regarding the Second Girl in the Second Verse of "Five Years" ? IDENTITY THEFT!
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You gotta fight! For your right! ![]() ![]() Yes indeed, my opportunity to write a haiku about death has been hard won. I can only hope the result justifies the effort. Saga Of Bird-Dog (500w) Northumberland, where The cold North Sea ravages Protecting its oil Wind whips the moors' mist It gathers and rises, there! A glimpse of the sun Summer emerges. Wheeling animals play, but One remains alone Bird sits on a wire Expired telephone cable Basking in the light Bird scans horizons. It sees further than us, and There is much to view Chaser becomes chased Dances of death and life, as Sparrows play their game Bird looks for some shade In between rocks, discovers The creature called Dog The pair is wary Circling like boxing men Nature's pugilists Dog cocks wanton leg A gesture of friendship, ahh- But it is smelly. Bird pulls up its breast Stern ochre feathers, raised beak: Northumbrian grit Bird and Dog make friends (of disparate size and shape) A crude alliance The avian sight With canine speed and power No creature's a match Bird-Dog ranges far Striking out across the fields A green tapesty Thanks to nose and eyes They come upon a barrow; Ancient kings abide Bird is circumspect Dog senses buried gifts…here! It's a finger-bone Challengers appear A pack of hounds, hunting Muscled from the fight Dog's tail is half mast Ancient hierarchies control He must surrender Bird dislikes the hounds Rages, flaps, flashes his beak The hounds tilt their heads Fury is unleashed! A flying flurry of pecks Blood stains the barrow Bird-Dog rules the land! Feathers and feet are enmeshed In chimeric dress This all men believe: Violence is a friendship's forge Hate; love's crucible Bird-Dog's two is one The halves unite on the plains Under northern sun Dog listens to Bird Tales of lands unreachable Sands and seas and smells Autumn is coming Green turns to brown behind backs As the world slows down Bird-Dog watches leaves Dog thinks they are a game, but Bird has heard the call Ancestral chevrons Pattern the darkening skies The emigrant flock Dog is excited Adventure's dreams before him Moisten his nose Bird must away, but The journey's long and seaward- Dog must wait alone The flock family Welcomes and sweeps away To broad sunlit coasts Dog retreats, below Tarpaulins battered by wind Dreams of the barrow Bird has months of light Atlantic breezes warming The watering hole The jackals howl, through Their african teeth, and then- Bird remembers Dog. The journey's a test Bird plunges through fronts of cold Holding a white gift The northern rocks hide No Dog nor sense of canine In those frozen fields Then, a distant sight No more than the smallest speck- Is Dog, a statue. Bird nudges Dog, but There is no flicking of tail Nor panting response Winter has claimed Dog. Birds know it was ever thus: Friendships have their time. Bird leaves its tribute The ferryman's deposit: A tiny finger-bone. The Dog lies in state Guarded by the barrow's shade The Bird keeps vigil Northumbrian frosts Cling to Dog and Bird, and hail The unlikely pair: Saga of Bird-Dog. Chimera of northern lands And terror of hound. ![]() Symptomless Coma fucked around with this message at 23:10 on Jan 12, 2013 |
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sebmojo posted:Judgment Hmm. Well, if I can't even dominate Bad Seafood, what can I do in front of Good Seafood? It'll be weird for the Japanese guy if I bowed in front of the sushi. I'll be back, Bad Seafood
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Iroel posted:Anyway I wanted to make a proposal: what if the contestants of a thunderbrawl had to analyze in depth the other challenger's writings after the fight is settled, in the same way we have to do with the pairings for the regular contest? I'm going to suggest that if brawlers want to give in-depth critiques to one another that they do so via PM, only because between Thunderbrawls and Thunderdome submissions and critiques, the thread might get clogged and hard to follow. That would make it both a pain the balls, and (more) intimidating for newbies. Besides, I'm tired of you crying about how nobody understood your piece already. If people don't uderstand what you're trying to do, it's because you're doing it wrong. FACT. Re: HiddenGecko vs Iroel THUNDERBRAWL 2.0 the prompt is this: Tell me a story about what's outside my window. 150 words. By the time I wake up tomorrow morning, which gives you 14-16 hours.
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Fanky Malloons posted:the thread might get clogged and hard to follow. As much as I love people trying to dick each other over by letting everyone flash rule another person, I think this is happening. This thread seems to have a lot more noise than the last one.
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![]() Fanky's right about the clutter. I think a good idea for future might be that prospective brawlers put "willing to brawl" in their signup post, then the judges get to pick one brawling pair per week. Otherwise the thread'll become crazy difficult to follow.
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Yeah, let's not have so many Thunderbrawls next week. Not saying there should be a hard limit or that it sucks, but that people don't just brawl willy-nilly. Also can we stop in-thread discussion of critiques and move that to PMs?Fanky Malloons posted:Re: HiddenGecko vs Iroel THUNDERBRAWL 2.0 the prompt is this: Tell me a story about what's outside my window. 150 words. By the time I wake up tomorrow morning, which gives you 14-16 hours. Outside Malloons' Window It's me, Malloons. I am outside your window. why won't you crit any of my grimdark dumbo fanfics
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:
No, it's not best of three, you guys just both made horrible errors last time, so I'm making you do it again. Tip: be better this time ![]()
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Fanky Malloons posted:No, it's not best of three, you guys just both made horrible errors last time, so I'm making you do it again. Tip: be better this time
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:I'm talking to sebmojo, not you nerdlinger. Oh right. For some strange reason I sometimes think you and HiddenGecko are the same person.
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budgieinspector posted:? FUUUUCK. I think I had the 'Coma on my mind because I still owe him a crit. Sorry budgieinspector. And yeah, it's getting cluttered. New thread excitement, should die down a bit soon. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 23:43 on Jan 12, 2013 |
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:
Indeed. BUDGIEINSPECTOR vs Surreptitious Muffin Thunderbrawl: Round 2: Shakespearean love sonnet (14 lines) . Modern language, no thees or thous. Due 2400 Monday NZ time.
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Martello fucked around with this message at 04:56 on Apr 9, 2013 |
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Maybe we should make a separate spinoff thread for Thunderbrawl. What do you guys think?
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Martello posted:Maybe we should make a separate spinoff thread for Thunderbrawl. What do you guys think?
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Martello posted:Maybe we should make a separate spinoff thread for Thunderbrawl. What do you guys think? I would be down for this idea. The spirit of thunderdome is a fairly traditional flash writing contest when it comes down to it (Now with active writer critiquing added in!). And it is very very cluttered. Thunderbrawls on the other hand are one on one writing shootouts and take three rounds. So a lot of Thunderdome proper gets buried in mad dash of thunderbrawling. Thus, I think a sister thread is in order. With approval from the Mods of course. I think a fair compromise would be a beer pong arrangement so only one Thunderbrawl is going on at any time and each group of contestants and judges wait their turn. Instead of the hogpile situation going on right now.
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Didn't pipes! rule "no spinoff threads"? Yeah but he's gone. Also this is different than before. I'll talk to neonnoodle.
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Turn-based Thunderbrawls would probably be the best move. That or at least containing them to a single round. A duel is traditionally decided in one shot, not best two out of three.
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So is the idea then that some goons will announce their Brawl in this thread, then take their prompts, judges and submissions to the Sister Thread?
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toanoradian posted:So is the idea then that some goons will announce their Brawl in this thread, then take their prompts, judges and submissions to the Sister Thread?
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![]() ![]() Your Prompt: "Canned peaches, a down comforter, and the gardener." You both put a ton of effort into these so my critique is equally hard and long. Benagain Shape:You chose a piece of poo flying through the air. I found your shape interesting because it was in motion for one thing and you used the spoilered text to signify the fibrous fecal matter flying through the air and a the non spoilered text as movement lines. The tiny little bit of poo that came off in the back is a nice touch. Now. the other interesting thing you did with the shape is create a column poem! (!!!) you contrast two seemingly different poems using visual motifs. It is also, unwittingly perhaps, an interactive poem since you can't read half of it unless you mouse over it. FINE WORK ![]() Content: You went with a Dark vs. light thing. Now this is one of those fairly cliche things but the way you pulled it off as a whole was very well done. You wrote it all in blank verse as well and had a nice tight economy of words. Poems are not about the literal but you lose points for not really addressing the prompt I gave you at all. You wrote a poem about night and day, love and intimacy. WHERE ARE THOSE CANNED PEACHES, WHERE IS THE GARDENER? Noah Shape: You went with a peach, and a very pretty font to boot. you make the words flow around the shape in a rather pleasing if not ordinary way. and the color arrangement did make me go and compare the whole thing to goatse, just to see if you were burying something there I wasn't getting.(But I see it everywhere anyway, its presence or absence has no bearing on my judging at this time though so ignore that.) It's a big pretty peach. Content: You addressed the prompt head on and really captured the spirit of a lone survivor about to die should he not open that can of peaches. it was almost a little bit too literal in places. But you know what. You were able to capture a moment in time with all of its associated trials and tribulations and make it lyrical, so props for that. FINAL RULING This round goes to Noah because he didn't forget about the prompt when writing his poem. This one was drat hard though. You both did awesome. ![]() ![]() What you're writing: A letter. Yes you will be writing this prompt in the form of a single page letter to someone. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epistle will give you all the definition you need and some cool history to note. Prompt:"A scratching post, a picnic bench, and someone's grandmother." Deadline: Monday afternoon.
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:"I THINK THE SADDEST RHINO IS A BAD RHINO AND I CHALLENGE HIM TO A LOVECRAFT-HORROR-3-PART-OFF" Saddest Rhino, you gonna take that poo poo? He's calling you out!
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fun fact: i wrote in a gardener and a can, then drank a few beers and cut them.
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Here you go Symptomless Coma: 982 words of Iambic Pentameter that draw from Homer, with influences from Virgil, William Blake and the Epic of Gilgamesh. I even managed to squeeze in a nod to Dante. Included are the long list and extended simile that you specifically wanted, and I've tried to adhere to the conventions of the form while telling a story that isn't utterly formulaic. Whether or not this wins, I sincerely hope you like it, as you earned it.pre:My voice upraised toward the sky in song, I call my patron Muse. In youth I would Frequently write soft words to earn your smile, Yet now I tarnish every syllable Invoking you for competition's sake. The gods of Thunder rule this work be now writ: With heavy heart to them I must submit. Sing we the song of Cleon's fall with Urn. Tyger, profane Tyger, burning brightly, Through forest deep and dry it stalked Sly Urn and Cleon both, their men long dead And bronze made molten ruin. Cleon ran With Urn within his arms and screamed in fear. Betrayed they both had been, and now the beast Might burn the towns and kill again. Yet first It came for Urn the sharp of eye, its mark Upon his flesh and hunger on its tongues. Fair Cleon could yet hurl him down and flee, Hero not he, but bonds of purpose held The men together fast, as did memory. Met they within the charnel house, once home To Urn the sharp of eye, all people gone As ash upon the wind save he. Sly Urn With bow accosted Cleon from afar, Demanding "Who are you to come this way? Dressed bright in bronze and fair of look are you, But none know more than I that evil walks Aflame with grace. Be gone before I shoot This barb into your heart!" Not idle was His threat, for many men had met their end Unknowing whence the blow had came, or how So small a man could shoot so far and true. Now Cleon fair removed his helm and laughed, Stentorian as booming voice that once Against the edge of all the earth was raised. He was a man still young and strong, untried By world, untroubled he, for hopelessly The path ahead appeared to have no end. "A target fair I am to you," said he, "Without this guard upon my head. Might you Let loose against a man still garbed in bronze And cut him low, then you may be the sort To aid this fair villain. For murderous The course upon which I set out today." Sly Urn beheld the truth, many the times Deceit tried creep into the hunter's home. Like poor Tiresias blind-struck, mere chance Left him alive but changed for worse compared To who had he in youth once been. Also Like poor Tiresias blind-struck, skill rare Had come in wake of tragedy, the bow The means allowing Urn to years survive. Unlike Tiresias blind-struck, no god With gift or curse had come, his sight still keen, Still clear the gaze of Urn the sharp of eye. "The beast you seek: I saw it long ago." Tyger, profane Tyger, burning brightly, Through tree and smoke it came for them, narrow Its eye and fierce its roar. 'Neath canopy In darkness Cleon stumbled far, heavy The load of Urn the sharp of eye. For miles Too great to count he gave a great account: Onward he pressed when breath had left his chest And only fear endured. Not only fear! For kinship held to him when hope had fled As like a lover holds when lust is spent. Hero not he, Cleon bereft of bronze Ran from the boughs and saw the cliffs distantly. With men in tow across the land they searched, Until at last its tracks Urn spied upon The sand beside the cliffs: glassen the steps Left by the beast. "Now soon," said Cleon bold, "Revenge will come for Urn the sharp of eye, Too long delayed." Sly Urn was not impressed. "For what, or whom," asked Urn, "do you this quest engage? Some death? Or glory offered you?" Again fair Cleon laughed, then mirth dispersed Lest he offend. "This task," said Cleon low, "To win the praise of maiden bloody, queen Of all within the stormy northern bowl." Said Urn, "The deed alone shall satisfy; Your reasons are your own. Of deed let now We speak. What means the beast can pacify? There! See it moved away from sea? Perhaps A fear we can exploit?" Fair Cleon smiled. "No need," said Cleon sure, "have we of surf Or rain to quell our prey. Advised am I By queen of blood that flame cannot endure With kin, so suffocate the fiend in fire And see it snuffed." Sly Urn was not impressed. "Let us but hope," said Urn, "this queen of blood Is right. The blaze takes all it gives its mark." Tyger, profane Tyger, burning brightly, Through moonless night the pair it chased, On Urn the sharp of eye its brand. At edge Of rock fair Cleon stood, there leaning out To hear the pound of wave on stone as like The axeman counts the time in beats of drum With growing dread and tightened gut, waiting For rare reprieve or time at last his weight To drop. His legs atremble, Cleon held Against his breast sly Urn so small and still. Hero not he, as glowing flame close came Cleon bereft of bronze stayed resolutely. In forest deep and dry a trap was set To catch and kill the seething beast. Know all Who read these stalwart names how great their work: Pallas the still, Nestor the old, Stephan The worthy, Callias serene, spartan Astro, the tall Alexander, Echo The simple, Lucas, son of Callias, Sly Urn and Cleon bright in bronze. All ten Began the night arrayed against the fiend. How long they hid! Until at last they heard When Urn the sharp of eye drew breath and cried "Tyger, profane Tyger! Burning brightly!" At once the men to trees set light; behind The smoke the Tyger slunk. Sly Urn was pale With memory rekindled, now he looked Upon that hell again. The moment stretched, The fire toward the sky climbed high, all coughed... Then crashing came the Tyger through the wall. Tyger, profane Tyger, burning too bright, Made strong by forest set alight, so grew That beast of fire, titian and dark. To ash Went eight in flash of hate, and Urn Blinded. Cleon shed bronze, raised Urn, and fled. Tyger, profane Tyger, burning brightly, Approached its prey. As tongues licked rock and scorched His back, fair Cleon gave decree: "No man So brave should fall alone!" So then he leapt To death with Urn, and down into the waves The Tyger plunged with both, at last snuffed out. The ocean wept to feel blind Urn embraced, Her tears of salt welled up to flood the land, And touching Urn upon his ruined face Restored his sight, with kiss retreating back. Hero, he woke as dawn then broke, at peace To hear fair Cleon's laugh upon the bay.
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Etherwind posted:982 words of gently caress Don't know about Coma, but I'm fuckin' whackin' it like whoa.
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Etherwind posted:poesy, son ![]() Is this the same Etherwind I see? He who quailed and quibbled so? A warrior now, casting words like arrows. Poetry like the mightiest army marching in the sun.
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Pregnancy eight equals capital d, tilde times three ejaculate e-jac you late?
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Martello posted:Is this the same Etherwind I see? Sing we the song of Etherwind the man Misunderstood by those who would quick judge, A man no less; came he to make his prose More durable than bronze, his poesy Far better than the weakness he dared show.
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Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:Pregnancy I proposed for love, I swear. Why does everyone think, Motherfucker must have put A bun in that oven?
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So, I don't know if my entry will get up to the 350 word minimum, but I can promise that it will be really loving sad (but not morbid). That counts, right? ![]()
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I could have sworn the lower limit was 300. Did it get upped after the post was first made?
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Etherwind posted:I could have sworn the lower limit was 300. Did it get upped after the post was first made? I went back to the OP to check the limit just before I posted, and it says 350 min/1,000 max. I thought it was 300 too, but apparently it was wishful thinking. Didn't you just post like, 900 words of Iambic Pentameter anyway? I doubt getting to 350 will be a problem for you.
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The totally redundant haiku thing I did was written with 300 words in mind. If you thought that too, I'm guessing the lower word count was raised between the prompt and now.
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So, yeah, what's worse: to submit the 140 words that I have, or not submit at all? I know it's not that EST yet, but I've got another riddle on that time, and I don't know which one of these two makes me more constipated. (I bet the motherfucking poetry.)
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GeckoBrawl Round II On a Branch in the Bordeaux Two lovers see each other across the branch. One waves and the other waves back. Soon both of their hands are in the air and they’re swaying together. The little man in black sees his partner and mimics her every move as he edges in closer. She tip toes away, making him work for her prize. A green shadow wreathed in sharpness lurks above the stage, hands outstretched as if she prays. She watches the dancers, picks one to kill. She moves ever so slowly towards them, a creeping death. The two lovers are almost touching now. Hours they danced. Finally the kiss, the touch, she smiles, he sways away, takes a bow. Death from above. The lady scuttles away, her business done, her death averted. The man dies for his love, but he doesn't grieve. He went out with a bang. (141 Words)
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supermikhail posted:So, yeah, what's worse: to submit the 140 words that I have, or not submit at all? I know it's not that EST yet, but I've got another riddle on that time, and I don't know which one of these two makes me more constipated. (I bet the motherfucking poetry.) What's worse is to keep posting like this.
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supermikhail posted:So, yeah, what's worse: to submit the 140 words that I have, or not submit at all? I know it's not that EST yet, but I've got another riddle on that time, and I don't know which one of these two makes me more constipated. (I bet the motherfucking poetry.) And it is always worse to submit nothing. Never for a moment should you think otherwise. Even the losertar, in all of its loserness, is still the badge of a warrior. And when you die your grave will say Here Lies A Man Who Tried.
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# ? Feb 10, 2025 20:17 |
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sebmojo posted:BUDGIEINSPECTOR vs Surreptitious Muffin Thunderbrawl: Round 2: Shakespearean love sonnet (14 lines) . Wasabigasm She drowns her plate in soy, selects a pink pontoon of pickled ginger, launches it into the onyx ocean. As it sinks, she toasts ("Kampai!") the valor of the ship. And now--oh, yes; I've seen this trick before-- a maelstrom of wasabi whirls the brine and thrusts a wave beyond her dish's shore; the grainy, green tsunami breaks on mine. She raises well-dredged Toro to her lips. Palms flat against the table, she takes leave of sense; eyes roll in tandem with her hips. Her nostrils flare. Her chest, flushed crimson, heaves. Insatiable, she lifts her sticks again. She's traded me for this delicious pain. EDIT: Goddamn apparently-incorrect regional syllabic-stress variation... budgieinspector fucked around with this message at 18:02 on Jan 13, 2013 |
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