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SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010
Are we absolutely sure no older entries? Because the infamous Moldova 2010 is practically screaming "Join, or die."


or Lordi.



Holy poo poo please let me use Lordi.

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Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Are we absolutely sure no older entries? Because the infamous Moldova 2010 is practically screaming "Join, or die."


or Lordi.



Holy poo poo please let me use Lordi.

After a brief conference, we encourage everyone to prospect 2013 for rich veins of crazy. However, if you insist, you may use an old gem.

However:

(1) You'll have to go searching for them yourself.
(2) You will be flash-ruled at least once.

Have fun!

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010
If not (then you're massive dickheads), I'm going with Romania and


Women and wine, game and deceit make the wealth small and the wants great.




EDIT: Oh gently caress yes. In with Hard Rock Hallelujah (Finland 2006) and Join, or die.

SurreptitiousMuffin fucked around with this message at 19:07 on May 8, 2013

Radioactive Bears
Jun 27, 2012

Creatures of horrid visage and disposition.
I'm in, writing 'bout Ukraine and the aphorism "The way to be safe is never to be secure."

Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

EDIT: Oh gently caress yes. In with Hard Rock Hallelujah (Finland 2006) and Join, or die.

:siren: For Your Insolence: A Flash Rule :siren:

However, because you chose Lordi, and Lordi is awesome and wears cool hats, you get a choice. You may pick either of these:

Choose two Bible verses and post them above your story. You must incorporate the themes, characters and messages of these verses into your story. Note, however, that you need not directly quote them in the story itself.

OR

Write your entire story in Biblical verse, using the style of the King James Version.

Good luck!

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
:siren: Muffin's Pick's So Nice, We Flash Ruled It Twice! :siren:

The lead singer's hat has to appear in the story somehow. I don't care how. Just make it happen.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010
Verses I will be using:

Psalm 95:1

Oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!

Kings 1:40

And all the people came vp after him, and the people piped with pipes, and reioyced with great ioy, so that the earth rent with the sound of them

perpetulance
Mar 24, 2013

THUNDERDOME LOSER
My ears are nearly bleeding from listening to all the songs again. Going with San Marino so I don't end up blind and deaf.

"Men take more pains to mask than mend."

But I'll probably be back before deadline to choose something more workably crazy. Big fan of Ukraine 2009

JonasSalk
May 27, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER
Go ahead and pick mine for me. I'm about to rise to the occasion on this one! Also, I am in.

Edit: The bar is pretty low for me. Baby rising.

JonasSalk fucked around with this message at 20:15 on May 8, 2013

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

JonasSalk posted:

Go ahead and pick mine for me. I'm about to rise to the occasion on this one! Also, I am in.

Very well! You'll be taking inspiration from Switzerland and these immortal words: Wish not so much to live long as to live well.

Auraboks
Mar 24, 2013

...huh?
In. Switzerland, Half a truth is often a great lie.

Down With People
Oct 31, 2012

The child delights in violence.
In with a pre-2013 entry. France 2008, with the aphorism If you will not hear and obey reason she will surely rap your knuckles.

Give unto me my flash rule. I am laid bare.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

I

AM

MAGNIFICENT






in with Georgia & If you would not be forgotten As soon as you are dead and rotten, Either write things worth reading Or do things worth writing.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Down With People posted:

In with a pre-2013 entry. France 2008, with the aphorism If you will not hear and obey reason she will surely rap your knuckles.

Give unto me my flash rule. I am laid bare.

I cannot help but notice that your chosen video is festooned with beards. Your :siren: flash rule :siren: is that someone shaving off a beard must be a crucial turning point in your plot.

If the shaven being is divine, there will be bonus points. If the being is a goddess, there will be bonus bonus points.

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 22:58 on May 8, 2013

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER
OK fucksticks, I freakin' love Eurovision so I will be judging this very, very harshly. If you feel like you can just serve up some sloppy sarmale cu mămăligă, tired tafelspitz or feeble fŚrikŚl, well, gently caress you.

Also, anyone who makes me watch England's 2003 entry Cry Baby will be starting well behind the eight ball.

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007

by Lowtax
Fun Shoe
Sorry for dropping the ball everyone, life kicked me in the dick and I didn't have time I was busy eating my own weight in sushi.

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT
Grimey Drawer
More Crits

First up though. Congrats to Kaishai for the win. You got my vote for having the most gloriously pulpy moment out of the lot of them (while still following all the prompts), which showed up a lot of lighter-weight, colour-within-the-lines entries and got to the troubled heart of the Pulp experience. With its teeth.

...and I'd like to give a shout-out to Erogenous Beef who made my Runner-Up list on the strength of genuwine original bellylaughs, and Crabrock who joined him with a sweetly disturbing, if not brilliantly original, tale well told.

------------

Cancercakes
Utopia
Submission to SciFi Spy Bi-weekly


Hey! Itís a story. It has a beginning a middle and an end, and if it reminds strongly of BioShock, well, thatís not that bad a thing in itself. Thereís some rudimentary conflict and stuff, too!

Thereís something twisted and ironic about how this fly in the paradisiacal ointment speaks in such curt sentences and foul mouth. No noble saviour miss, this. While the lack of proper verbs and childish name-calling does make her sound a bit thick, at least she has a recognisable tone. Unfortunately her individuality comes at the expense of antagonist who is, literally, your typical frothing-at-the-mouth meglomaniac villian. Youíd think heíd at least have some vague charisma in order to have gotten his plan so far.

Plus she sees a few beaten slaves and starts crying in the shadows. Is this because sheís a girl and therefore emotional? Good stuff! Girlies have cry germs all over themselves, thatís why you mustnít ever touch them.

quote:

Based on the Frontier design, the central barrel rotated to produce artificial gravity, but approach with care - the tumbling crazed iron work additions could fling a careless person into space with a spiralling arm.

This doesít really work. The central barrel of what? Who is saying Ďapproach with care?Ē. Youíre voice is breaking more than a Brady in a Family Band.

quote:

Her whole body ached as she made her way towards the airlock. lovely job, but it should be simple. Just find out what the gently caress is up with this place, and get out quiet. Easy. First easy thing was the airlock - it was unlocked, she didnít even need the skeleton key. Thatís freedom for you, she thought, as she took her stinking suit off.

Similarly, sometimes she is thinking explicitly and sometimes itís implicit. You need to decide on a voice for the piece and stick with it. Either sheís telling the story or she isnít.

quote:

Suddenly a ration bar moved into the naked childís portion of the conveyor belt. The kid stared at it as it slowly passed by, and then snatched it up and devoured it.

ďWhereís the big boss?Ē

A hand grabbed itís hair and yanked the kid backwards.

Its. OR I WILL CUT YOU. But it is a silly sentence anyway. Perhaps the hand grabbed its OWN hair. Or the hair of the last it, which was the chocolate bar. Ewww. Hairy chocolate bars. And way too many Ďitís in that section.

quote:

Then it was just a case of making it clear that if they didnít play nice then the park would get shut. Some nannies would be over presently to ensure a happy transition. Donít get any clever ideas.

You have dragged the metaphor into a darkened alley and cut its throat, bathed in its drying blood and then gone straight to your niece's birthday party and spit in the chocolate-banana cake.

quote:

neckbeard began to glisten with tears.

Riiiiight. And I have in my hand a hairy chocolate bar that is crying from its follicles.


Sci-Fi Spy Bi-Weekly says: Thank you for assembling a few of the elements needed for a story and sending them to us. Unfortunately, a number of crucial ingredients were missing, namely a consistent voice, a convincing villain, and perhaps some actual spying


Radioactive Bears
Robbing Galt (1167 Words with title)
Romancin' and Wranglin'


Thereís some good writing here. Itís a complex action situation and I never had to go back and check where I was and what was happening. The motivation for the robbery was a little weak - stockpiling bullion is one thing, but you missed a good opportunity to look at whether that was really just plain stealing, or any qualms Buck might have had about his boyrfriendís ideals that could have given the tale a bit of internal conflict that it lacked. The conflict from the Marshall just felt a bit flat. It never really peaked and thus my attention began to flag.

Did Jaybird really ride his horse across a railway bridge. Itís not mentioned but I canít see any way around it. Freaky. If it did happen, that should have been something of a set-piece about how he managed it.

A couple of awkward sentences

quote:

I ran through carpeted passages, past suitcases and carpetbags toward the end of the car as a bullet flew into my hat,

Thatís a lot of running for the split second the bullet hit.

quote:

ďWe get this haul, and no laws of any government will ever constrain our love again!

Yeah - theyíll pass a law against this kind of inhuman dialogue.

quote:

I coiled and jumped, too terrified I'd lose my chance if the marshal managed a clean hit on me to care how close I'd get to Jaybird and that mangy horse.

You got tangled up in the lariat of your own devising here. I had forgotten what you were talking about by the time we hit the horse.

Romancin' and Wranglin' says Lot's of romance. Not so much wrangling. We'd slushpile this but one of the junior editors wants to know how Jaybird smells, so if you could maybe go down that angle a bit we'll take another look.



Crabrock
The Electrocat Purrs All Night
Animals of Tomorrow


I liked this a great deal. The overall story is a retelling of the archetypal Ďaxe of my grandfatherí written out long form with the added SCI-FI flavour, but the ending is a really good example of how such a story should end, it seems a natural progression and yet the implications of what youíve just been walked through are laid bare.

I might question some of your names, though. They seem a little more jokey than is necessary for the story. Compu-chickens? . Breaks the flow a bit, because the rest of the world seems well-realised. Though Iíd love to know what a compu-chicken does, so maybe just more details. I donít know - have a think.

quote:

This is the lab of Dr. Krackenvole, the only mechaosurgeon in the tucked away hamlet of Venusian Hollow. While usually bogged down in the monotony of treating and repairing the cybernetic draft animals that tilled the purple soils of Omitron 8, he was occasionally able to indulge in the more elicit activity of biological replacement research.

This paragraph is completely unnecessary and changes the voice. You could just as easily keep telling the story and these details would come through naturally.

One thing I thought as I read it was that this could really work for a kind of Young Personís SF book. ItĎs a simple story but does a good job of retelling a staple philosphy.101 mind experiment that could freak the wee ones in a good way a la Cyberiad

Animals of Tomorrow says: Youíve got a sale, young Animal of Tomorrow fan, and if youíve got any more like this weíll gladly take a look at those too. Hooray for you! Hooray for Animals! Hooray for Tomorrow!



V for Vegas
Wrestling the Bear
'Arm Wrasslin'.

A long way to go for a joke that hasnít improved in the uncertain number of time periods since I was 8. I did enjoy playing spot the innuendo, but like many a tease, it left me feeling vaguely unsatisfied. Partly this was because the final joke wasnít very good, or very new, and partly because I really wanted Irondacks to get it on with the bear. Címon subtext - step up to the text plate and start swinging.

On the plus side you really got the voice and you kept it mostly consistent throughout. Iím not sure whether your mountain dude would know words like engorged or if this was just you being dirty again. Probably youíre just as filthy as everybody else, so the latter.

I really donít have much else to say about this one, Iím sorry. Competent, not as funny as it might have hoped, as innuendo only goes so far (as the bishop said to the porn star) but a gay old time for all.



Perpetulance
One in six
Submitted to the biannual magazine Galt's Gilded Tales

Ooh - a dark one. Definitely in the good half of the entries with a fine intensity to it. Itís really hard to balance the inherent drama of the situation with the fact that thereís nothing actually going on but three blokes sitting round a table occasionally almost shooting themselves, but I think you managed it here.

The worldbuilding was convincing enough, and the fact that you built a world that didnít fall over at a second look is always nice. I liked the ending, it could have gone either way, but the way it went felt inevitable and right.

Thereís a lot of expository dialogue, and Iím wondering if you couldnít have found a different way to get some of that across. Lines like ďI don't know a single person in town who doesn't owe you everything. How can we even get the gold to pay off our debts when you only pay in script?Ē arenít skull splittingly horrid, but theyíre not subtle either. Similarly, youíre telling, not showing the menís reasons for being there, which could have come through in other ways. Just spitballiní here, but perhaps third person wasnít the best perspective to choose for this one - you might make some gains in immediacy and empathy by switching to the perspective of one of the two players. Maybe worth playing around with that to see what effect such a change might have.

Galtís Gilded Tales says: The finest of Men are bootstrapped by their own enlightened self-interest. Work on your own salvation with diligence, and you will be ready for publication.




Sebmojo
A Lucky Break
Flabbergasting Science Wonder Yarns!

This was an entertainingly goofy science fantasy. However, the name of the magazine was not Fantastic Goofy Science Fantasy: Where the Goofy Science Fantasy is Fantastical, which is good, because thatís a crap name, but not so good because there was no flabbergasting science in your story! Instead, you had a magic item with a sciencey name. While weíre on the topic of prompt related insights: there was a disturbing lack of anarcho-syndicalism or libertarianism in there. Or maybe I missed it, but at this point in the review process my eyes are glazing over and I am questioning many of my life choices thus far.

Thereís a few nice touches, St Armstrong, Punching a diamond hole in the night. very few clunky bits ďHe took his finger off the comm unit before hearing her mellifluous response.Ē stuck out because how did he know what the response was like before hearing it, but thatís incredibly minor and even I can argue for it the other way.

I mean - it was good, it told a tale, all the elements made sense and you didnít cheat - the story equation was balanced to precision, but it was just missing the promised flabbergasting that made Kaishaiís so pulptastic. It was just... a bit........ twee.

Flabbergasting Science Wonder Yarns! says: Not for us. Please submit to our sister publication Twee Light Dramedies In Space



Dr Klocktopussy
Titanís Cowgirl
Spaced! Outrageous Stories from Outerspace!:

I learned a new word today - Cyrovolcano, which emits vapour and methane and stuff and rains ice after cooling. Cool. Ten points. But you gently caress up Ďitsí in the first paragraph so negative eleventy million billion points.

I think you have more characters than you need. With Ben, Becky and Neil I sometimes felt as if I needed a map to keep track of where they were in the action. When the guards were firing at Becky ďThe guards were still firing at Becky. She shot her grappling hook at the one on the right, catching him on the shoulder of his bulky armor. Bulls-eye! ď Did Becky do that? I just donít know. Kill off some of them. Theyíre wasting my attention span which should be focussed on your cowgirl and learning more about her.

Other things I wondered as I read it. Neil betrayed her for money. The least exciting reason ever. But despite being on her team he didnít know that the actual baddies were quite bad. So he's stupid, and not very good a villian. The takeaway from this is Know Your Teamís Enemies and Pay Attention In Briefings.

How did Ben fix his bike? It must have not actually been a very rocking explosion AT ALL!

This strikes me as a very cinematic story. Youíre one of the few entries to really go in for a sensawunda against a fantastic environment and I think you can have back the eleventy million billion points for doing that. You would have doubled them if the ice volcano had been more than a volcano in SpaceDrag, but there you go. Iím not really sure that the cinematic, fast cut, approach really works in a story this length, I think you sacrifice something in the ability to build character empathy. You want the reader to care more about them than the exploding special effects.

I get that she was fighting against the evil capitalist baddies, but they were pretty much cyphers and I wasnít feeling particularly outraged by them. Sure they were going to leave some workers to die, and that was a bit outrageous, but then they were rescued and it hardly even tickled my gall.

Spaced! Outrageous Stories from Outerspace! says: Perhaps L.V will be able to join our pantheon of Outrageous Space Stars when she has more of a torrid backstory and a Lesbian Space Dog.

Fumblemouse fucked around with this message at 04:24 on May 9, 2013

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022




Fumblemouse posted:


Its. OR I WILL CUT YOU.

Fumblemouse posted:

Romancin' and Wranglin' says Lot's of romance.

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT
Grimey Drawer

quote:

Romancin' and Wranglin' says Lot's of romance.

That's what I get for doing crits without a HazMat suit.

In for EuroThunderVisionDome- Taking on Belgium's sublime Love Kills, in conjunction with Unca Ben's "If you would have a faithful servant and one that you like ó serve yourself."

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
In with: ĎTis easier to suppress the first desire than to satisfy all that follow it.

CancerCakes
Jan 10, 2006

Thanks for the crits from last week - I hope to not write and edit in one sitting at 2am again, it's not pleasant.

This week - Montenegro

Great beauty, great strength, and great riches are really and truly of no great use; a right heart exceeds all.

Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart

CancerCakes posted:

Thanks for the crits from last week - I hope to not write and edit in one sitting at 2am again, it's not pleasant.

This week - Montenegro

Great beauty, great strength, and great riches are really and truly of no great use; a right heart exceeds all.

Seeing as how you chose the Martello-est video in the pack, I'm going to :siren: Flash Rule :siren: you:

You must write your piece in the style and spirit of Martello. Interpret this however you like.

Nikaer Drekin
Oct 11, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020
I'm in- feel free to assign me whatever song you want.

My aphorism:

"Manís tongue is soft,
And bone doth lack;
Yet a stroke therewith
May break a manís back."

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Nikaer Drekin posted:

I'm in- feel free to assign me whatever song you want.

No one has taken Latvia yet, so I bestow it upon you, you lucky man. Do those jackets proud!

Thank you for the win and for the excellent crits, judges, while I'm posting. You got me fair and square on the weaknesses in my piece. I'm delighted you found it deliciously pulpy anyway.

Nubile Hillock, the thought of slowly driving you to madness warms the inky void of my heart. :cthulhu:

CancerCakes
Jan 10, 2006

Erogenous Beef posted:

Seeing as how you chose the Martello-est video in the pack, I'm going to :siren: Flash Rule :siren: you:

You must write your piece in the style and spirit of Martello. Interpret this however you like.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW
buttholes with penises in them pulsing with sexual energy and blood dripping down wax hot and drippy and waxy loving candles fuckcandles all kinds scented and non burnin at both ends like a double penetration
wendigos like mandingos with long black cocks slamming in assholes and Massholes driving on them roads like motherfucking chodes

eating flesh and pussy motherfucking cushy jobs we got here offices working on keyboards and sometimes posting on message boards more well known as forums in this day and age thunderdome is crawling to the sixty-seventh page
history of a browser all over the net going from gay sex hardcore to that cat climbing the door all kinds of content sexual and not and really the question is does t-dog think shes hot or does she just smoke weed sitting on a bed thinking about how life sucks and really gently caress that eat some pizza drink coffee and go for a sunday drive its motherfucking spring and the sky is beautiful with blue and the sun and eat a hotdog on a cocksucking bun

my sideburns are long but only to the bottom opening of the ear because its a mere inch lower and i get yelled at quoted the regs and I'm like dude gently caress you I've got this company on lockdown this guidon is mine motherfucker i'll stab your behind with the spear point and that's the point just stay out of my poo poo I've got this go gently caress your weird romanian wife while she makes faces tourettes and poo poo don't know if she swears but for real bitch who gets married in front of wooden bears no wonder you two get so many stares

wiry hair more like a fiery dare go jump in that pit those flames don't mean poo poo motherfucking skit is about a dog who got bit by a man the headlines read man bites dog like a loving paradox and my one uncle like a typical wop works down at the docks

stroke what the gently caress is that a joke maybe less green and more playing xbox and making GBS threads in the toilet instead of the hottub holy poo poo were you raised by wolves they always ask but why not monkeys or apes or even loving dolphins wolves might be social but human they ain't these sayings man alive who understands them anyway and bill talent is leading the way with those tunes and those beats and those motherfucking wheats the mini kind with frosting oh gently caress that shits good take it of a morning and you defecate solid wood comes out of your rear end like soft serve paid for with cash
fire bro i already talked about fire don't get stuck in the mire of thought repetitive like telletubbies what the gently caress were those things anyway seriously what kind of parent lets their kid watch that kind of trash just makes me want to mash the loving tv and holy gently caress kids should be outside instead of sitting on hide watching little alien babies with screens stead of johnsons holy poo poo parents wake the gently caress up and take notice your children have brains that become like a locus for creativity and it's not just about nativity now get the gently caress outside and hit your bro with a stick if that kind of thing makes you feel a little sick maybe sack up and back up and man up and harden (the gently caress) up and get back out there on that field with your fists up and out and go go go smash your opponent out

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






DQed from using your keyboard and/or penis ever again

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW
One of my dudes was in a combatives match today and got DQd because he kicked a dude in the chin. I don't know how that's possible.

Kleptobot
Nov 6, 2009

quote:

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > Thunderdome '13 - If this were any other thread we'd all be banned by now

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW
:unsmigghh:

edit - #thunderdome

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
With just under 24 hours left to sign up, some of you may be facing the quandary of which video to choose. Know that at least one judge would like to see stories based on each of the following: Moldova, Iceland, and Finland. Selecting these would provide contestants with a small measure of initial goodwill that they would then lose with interest if they screwed the pooch. Fortune and the voting bloc favor the bold!

Also, if Mr. Seafood goes back on his plan to take GREECE and no one else steps up to that plate, I will grow a moustache (somehow) for the express purpose of stalking him, scowling, forever.

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 15:26 on Oct 22, 2013

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
:emo:

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010
You still owe me a brawl, baby man.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

You still owe me a brawl, baby man.

Precisely why I'm cutting my wrists. I need your phone number so you can go yell at everyone that's trying to keep me from doing what I want to do from 12am to 11pm.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Kaishai posted:


JonasSalk (Switzerland; Wish not so much to live long as to live well.)

Auraboks (Switzerland; Half a truth is often a great lie.)

Because there are two Swiss entries and to prevent you from writing the same story and because I haven't handed out one yet.

:siren:FLASH RULE:siren:

Auraboks. Since the inside of that car looks bigger than the outside, your entry must involve Non-Euclidean geometry.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010


If you must blink, do it now.
"The wolf sheds his coat once a year, his disposition never."

Now gimmie that Greece Lightning.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.
Yeah, OK, whatever. In with whatever Youtube spun me to which is whatever Ireland regurgitated.

Aphorism: 'Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.'

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
:siren: Sign-ups are now closed! :siren:

Within the next 48 hours, we will witness the artistic efforts of fifteen splendid performers representing fourteen magnificent countries. There may be sequins; there may be wind machines; but all we are guaranteed is pain. :eurovision:

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010
When I went to go write today, I found the power had gone out. Turns out there was some big show on at the stadium and every fucker there plugging into every socket killed the power for the whole town. Also, the show involved tables of transsexuals and people in dog costumes frantically making satay sauce and it was apparently good luck to touch the white guy so I got bounced around like a loving pinball for two hours while trying to figure out when the show would end and the power would go back on. I got dragged up on stage at one point and they gave me a t-shirt. It's green. I'm wearing it right now.



True story. Can I have a two hour extension on the deadline?

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