System Message

Kaishai posted:

Done and done.

Pseudoscorpion posted:

You seem to have conveniently missed me twice, chief

Hammer Bro. posted:

cargohills posted:

I'm in. I'll actually get something submitted this time, hopefully.

Hammer Bro. posted:

Yes this is my entry, and yes it's true. I'll type it up and count the words later, but it's important that I post this now.


(Jeez that was difficult. Back much later.)

CommissarMega posted:

Okay, I'm going to ask for some help here- I don't know anything about Judaism apart from pop culture. Can I have a flash rule or something to give me somewhere to start with? Or is it okay if I don't go in-depth with Jewish stuff? Because I have an idea, but it only features Jews as major characters.

Mons Hubris posted:

I haven't done one of these before, can I play?

docbeard posted:

Schneider, I'll give yours a line-by-line in the next day or two.

Schneider Heim posted:

Phantasmagoria Athenea
1098 words
"I am not afraid of the world." Not a big fan of opening with dialogue but I like this. Makes me wonder what, exactly, there is to be afraid of. Only point I'd like to make is that I'm not certain who is saying this.

Clarice wrapped her mantle tightly around her as the book buffeted her with fearsome winds. She had stopped time in the public library, where the rogue book was rampaging. Dropping me right in. This is rather silly but in a good way. People were frozen paaassive in different states of terror and retreat, yet unaffected by the book's magic. I really feel like this is superfluous and kind of unnecessary. Maybe add to it. What destruction has the book caused? Describe the people nearby. Are there people knocking poo poo over? It may be a public library but I can't imagine it being packed with people.

Clarice checked her pocketwatch. She had thirty seconds. There was no time to panic.This is her first job and this book means business so this clues the reader into the kind of person the mc is "Index, show me the true name of the book."

The tome hovered, symbol of her office and her most valuable tools. I'd just leave everything after the comma out, maybe describe what the tome looks like.Its pages turned, marking a specific entry that was only filled partly. Clarice took in the book's true name and spoke it carefully. So what's the name of the book?

"...by the power vested in me by the Phantasmagoria Athenea, I bind the knowledge and power that you offer, until a time of direst necessity!"This left me scratching my head. Can't put my finger in it. It feels rough, maybe that's the point but it comes off as hard to read. Blue aetheric energies swirled from the Index, forming chains that shackled the book. this bothers me too but for completely different reasons. That's it? That's all she needed to do? Pretty anticlimactic.

Ten seconds.

The book was resisting. It had been used before for harm, paaaaassive switching hands in bloody means, and its last owner had put on a destructive set of wards in it. Clarice was a Librarian, not a magus. She knew no spell that wasn't provided and sanctioned by the Index itself. I see the point of all of this but the exposition feels out of place in this scene. She maintained the spell, beads of perspiration accumulating on her forehead.

Her will prevailed. The book dropped, and Clarice dove to catch it. She sighed in relief as the pages were blank. How is this significant? Blank pages, is that a good thing?

Five seconds.

"I'm done here, Abixor," Clarice said. She pulled out a golden doorknob from her satchel, twisted it in the air, and pushed. Haha that's kind of cool, I literally have nothing useful to say. The familiar sight of the Phantasmagoria Athenea beckoned from the other side. She quickly stepped in as her pocketwatch's second hand reached twelve. Uhh so what happens when it hits twelve?

A large tabby cat rose from her circular desk, regarding her with eyes sharper than any feline intelligence. Cut everything after the comma; a talking cat needs no introduction. "You did well for your first retrieval, Librarian Clarice," Abixor said.

This whole scene feels confused, like it isn't sure whether to explain things to the reader or just go full-steam ahead. I like how you dropped me into the thick of it but a lot of it feels superfluous.

### This separation feels unnecessary; is this suggesting a passage of time? Because there's no indication in the next scene.

Clarice took off her field tools: the mantle that lent her some degree of protection against spells,; the bag of runes, which she did not know how to use yet ,; and the pocketwatch that stopped time. I would have given a quick nod to time starting up again in the previous scene but I can dig it. The Index quietly settled on its stand by her desk.

"Abixor, has time resumed before a book could be retrieved?" paaaasive She was curious.

"A few times," Abixor said. She had yet to get used to the cat speaking without using its mouth. And then again, a real talking cat would be harder to believe. Cute but I don't see how that's relevant "It is not recommended, for cleanup tends to be far messier--short-term memories to scrub and all." Still think this would be better suited in the previous scene but it serves it's purpose here.

She examined the captured book in her hand. It was paperback-sized, yet was heavy as an encyclopedia. Consulting the Index, she walked over to the book's designated shelf, needing the stepladder to reach it. Ahah wow what a pipsqueak. I like this little touch. The shelved books parted on their own, making space enough for Clarice to squeeze the new book in.

"Wow. I guess this place holds more books than it looks," Clarice said. She took a sniff, taking in the scent of venerable wood, the kind that no varnish could replicate. You're hitting your stride here. You've got me.

Abixor's reply was interrupted by the doorbell. Paaaaasive. Clarice jumped down the stepladder and walked towards the door. "Who is it?"

"It is I, Lord Magnus," a familiar voice said. Lord Magnus was one of her grandfather's closest friends, and a frequent patron of the library. Her grandfather wrote a lot about him in his notes.

Clarice opened the door. A lordly man looking straight from a 19th-century Victorian novel stood before her, smiling. "I have just heard of your first success on the field, Librarian Clarice. For that I must congratulate you." The dialogue in this story has a tendency to dip it's toe into Elizabethan-dialect. Comes off as jarring.

"Thank you, Lord Magnus. How fast does news spread?" Clarice said, stepping back to let the man come in.

"Clarice, wait!" Abixor said, jumping off the desk.

When Lord Magnus's foot came down on the library's floor, power crackled around it. The wards reacted, aetheric you really like this word threads quivering against powerful magic. One by one, books left their shelves, floating towards the intruder. this is all really sudden and I'm not sure what to make of it. This sudden twist is watered down, I need context. It's like I'm reading book two and all of my questions were answered in Book One.

"It is my good fortune that your predecessor is gone.... her grandfather? He would have had the experience to verify my identify first." The man's disguise slowly unraveled, revealing an ancient stone mask on a long, withered face.

Clarice stood her ground, tapping the library's power. "You're not welcome here in my domain. Begone!" Symphony of the Night was a good game. Great dialogue. She whipped a hand back, and Index flew into it. Magic-aided eyes scanned the pages, zeroing on a book of banishment spells. She cast a spell from the book, reciting its chapter and passage number. Start being transparent ie Book Names and Spells. Have Clarice say them out loud. Cluing the reader in on certain details, even when it doesn't seem necessary, can help rope them into your universe. Being vague and cutting corners pulls them right out.

The man laughed as he was blown away. Paaaasssive A lone book went past Clarice and into the man's hand as the door closed.

She could still hear his laughter taunting her. *Sound f/x - Dracula cackling*

"Index! What was the name of the stolen book?"

The pages turned. Clarice read its thank you for know the difference between it's and its common name. "The Xenoglossia? Oh no... Abixor, this book lets anyone speak any language!" You sneaky bastard

"It would be a problem if our book thief used it to awaken the Forgotten Gods," Hey, Schneider, the reader's at the next stop and you were due there twenty minutes ago. Please don't take a detour Abixor said. "We must alert the Council to this." AND PROM'S TOMORROW.

"You do that. I'm going after him. Map, give me the book's location." Okay there is campy silly and then there's just silly A map detached itself from the ceiling and spread in front of Clarice. The yellowed paper housed borders that were up-to-date with the rest of the world--some choice areas were blinking, colors from neighboring countries swirling and melding together. There were many lights. You can word all of this so much better. The first sentence hurts to read. The second makes no sense.

"Clarice, he's masked his trail," Wait how much time has passed since the book was stolen? Abixor said. "You can't go in blind. I haven't even taught you how to use the runes." I literally have no idea what's going on anymore

"There's no telling what he could do in the next few days," Clarice said. "Mastering such a book would take some time, but he's got a big head start on us. kid he just waltzed out through the front door, you could football tackle him if you go now I need to start now." She gathered her tools and put on her mantle.

"Are you not afraid, Librarian Clarice?" This is a really awkward callback.

###

Clarice turned the stone object in her hands. "What's this, grandpa?"

"A figurine of Horus from my trip to Egypt," her grandfather said, sitting closer to the child's bed. He was the only color in her white prison, shades of brown rebelling against the stark purity of the hospital room. He smelled of the desert, even, and there were grains of sand on his cowboy hat. holy poo poo I love those two sentences. Mom and Dad told her to stay away, but Clarice would not. I do not love this sentence. What is this supposed to imply? Do her parents not approve of her grandfather?

"I wish I could go with you," Clarice said. "I want to see the world like you do!"

"Then you must promise me one thing," her grandfather said. "Promise me to get well, and I promise to take you to all the places I have seen."

Clarice felt a cough rising from her lungs oh no and held it in, even as every part of her body complained. She would prove the doctors wrong. oh gently caress me "I promise." Wow, way to knife a guy in the gut. I came here to crit this story not to feel emotions.

This is a really cliche end and it does not connect with the rest of the story. I like it though. It made me smile, sad but still.

Phobia posted:

... oh, uhh, if you want you could crit my Week 105 story? Just thought I'd get my crit engine running again before I tackle the mountain of overdue ones.