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Crits are what I'm here for. What doesn't (quite) kill me, etc.
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# ? Feb 7, 2025 18:11 |
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Yeah, definitely up for a crit. Many thanks for doin' this.
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I would truly appreciate a critique, good sir. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=13#post424452406 Don’t be too harsh, I'm fragile ![]()
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Rhino's crit is much appreciated, and I am interested in further thoughts.
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Here, I got off too easy. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?goto=post&postid=424335626&highlight=#post424335626
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sebmojo posted:If anyone wants a crit from me for their story from the last week's prompt, post a link to it in the next day or so (and no, it will not halve your word count). If you don't already have too many requests, I'd be happy for some crits: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=9#post424374358
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I'd love some feedback. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=110783#post424306174
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okay that's enough, I'll do those and see if I still have my will to live.
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Sitting Here posted:Spaceless Dementia Mr_Wolf posted:Who Needs Gods 1194 words Quidnose posted:Sting like a 01100010 QuoProQuid posted:(#28)
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I will crit 1 person who seb isn't critting. This better not lose me 250 words.
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crabrock posted:I will crit 1 person who seb isn't critting. This better not lose me 250 words. Good lord man of course not we are not monsters
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crabrock posted:I will crit 1 person who seb isn't critting. This better not lose me 250 words. I'd rather Seb critted it but I guess you'll have to do. The Artist
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crabrock posted:I will crit 1 person who seb isn't critting. This better not lose me 250 words. Yes please First time I ever wrote a story, I'll take any feedback I get edit: Ah gently caress.
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Entenzahn posted:Yes please Whimsical judge ruling: crabrock has to crit this one too.
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Entenzahn posted:Yes please I feel bad for jumping in so quickly so here, have my first Thunderdome crit. Entenzahn posted:#24 Pros: You kept the jokey tone throughout except for one possible "faced the bloodshed" thing. I laughed a bit. Cons: I've already highlighted the bits I thought went too far above (the cheerleaders) and this has been mentioned in your original crit but you took the prompt: quote:I want you to give me a glimpse into a world where no one ever need fear death, and how this would redefine what it means to be human. and wrote an (admittedly humourous) story about a disgustingly brutal type of American football. On top of that you had some clear typos that you should have spotted with a thorough readthrough. Also, those loving tanks. If this was the first story you've written then goodish job with your prose but next time actually write something that meets the prompt. "Redefine what it means to be human" does not mean "create the Thunderdome from Mad Max" (not sure what inspired you to do that in the first place). Your story can be as good as you like but if you're not writing what people are asking for then they're not going to publish it/give it the awards/pay you for it. You can write whatever you want whenever you want but this is not the place for you to then stick it. If this was a death it would be... that guy in a group of soldiers who keeps making wise-cracks and breaking the tone in a gritty war film, then everybody is secretly relieved when he steps on a landmine.
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Amused Frog posted:I'd rather Seb critted it but I guess you'll have to do. Well if you're gonna be a jerk about it then I'm not going to hold anything back. Amused Frog posted:#23 Um. Your story isn't one. This man stuck in glass is a prop for your narrator to talk to me about numbers of visitors (why?), their future job prospects (why?) and to whine about life in general. It has absolutely no relevance to this other than for the segue of "the critics say..." but you could have done that for almost anything. People think a lot of performance artists are wasting their life. But instead of contrasting that with your narrator's life in a productive way by showing me the similarities or discordance, you just flat out have him go "oh, i guess me too." What exactly does this attendant do besides keep numbers? Does he collect tickets? Money? I have no idea. He's literally just a dude sitting watching another dude and thinking. This does not make for a good story. If you were sitting around a campfire, and somebody said "hey man, I want to tell you some of the things I thought when I was watching this other dude sit and do nothing," you'd probably want to kill yourself. "Oh, by the way, the dude was in glass for 79 years. but that's not important, i wonder what my next job will be?" I also feel very detached from the story, because it's something being told to me, rather than shown to me. That's a whole degree of separation, and furthermore, I don't even feel like this guy is really telling me the truth. He has too many qualifiers that makes me think he doesn't even know wtf is going on in his own life. Stick with third person past tense for most cases, not this first person "let me tell you about a time in my life" crap. People want to be in the story, experience it for themselves. Not be told about something. If you're going to do first person you should be a relay for the reader to experience the world through your eyes, not to tell them a story about somebody else while you think shallow, mundane thoughts. This will lead to your narrator sounding more sure about the story he's telling too. "His dedication to his craft, despite all the pain that was going on outside his box, fascinated all who came to his exhibit." is 10000 times better than "Something about the artist's dedication keeps people fascinated." An unreliable narrator is fun because it's somebody who's super sure about what they're telling you, but they're not telling you the whole truth, and it's up to you to tease apart what is true and what isn't. This "unsure" narrator is frustrating to read, because there's no benefit for me for NOT knowing something or being able to trust you. If you don't know something, don't mention it. Or make an arrogant guess. Pretend you know. The reader will pick up on whether or not the character is full of BS, but to have it be so wishy-washy is just annoying. Formatting: holy wall of words. Man, break up your paragraphs some. You have 8 paragraphs and they progressively get longer and more boring. This means that your story is too heavy on exposition and not enough of exciting action/dialogue. If you find yourself having long paragraphs after each other, go back in and insert some one sentence zingers to really spice poo poo up. Lastly, your economy of words. You could tell this "story" in 500 words easily. I crossed out SOME of these useless qualifiers and what not, but not nearly all of them. Just the really obvious ones. A few editing passes with an eye for cutting will fix these right up. You add a bunch of superfluous stuff that doesn't help your story. What the hell was all that stuff about counting visitors and what not? Why do I care that this is becoming more popular? You didn't take that anywhere. Don't stick stuff in your story just because. If that was supposed to have some point, you failed to land it.
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Yeah, I got nothing. I'm a cowardly rear end in a top hat, withdrawing from this week's.
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The Leper Colon V posted:Yeah, I got nothing. I'm a cowardly rear end in a top hat, withdrawing from this week's. Princess, if you keep pulling out, you'll never make it to the ball to dance with me. No Longer Flaky is more man than you and I'm not even sure if that person is a man. Next time you wanna join a prompt, you should toxx yourself. It's getting embarrassing how many times you've dropped out.
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crabrock posted:It’s holding her and she jumps away? Into her fate to slay the beast? Sweet fate I guess. It doesn’t seem like it’s really hard to face your fate when it’s good. Why bother making acid blood if it doesn’t faze her? FYI you suck, let me elaborate Anyone who DIDN'T write a story about huge muscular dudes or dudettes with swords/axes/loincloths/armor/beards/horned helmets/giant penises slaying each other on a sick medieval battlefield FAILED MISERABLY Muffin said it had to be something Frazetta would draw or Iron Maiden would sing about. Not sure where setbacks and motivation and whatever other poo poo you said comes into that.
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tbf I really wish someone had written a story with giant muscular dudettes with huge penises slaying each other on a sick medieval battlefield it's just a commentary on our gender-normative society that it didn't happen
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Guiness13 posted:Forever (563 words) Your story has three main problems: verisimilitude, overwriting, and pacing. There are a lot of things in your story that are unexplained and hard to swallow. Since I know that this is a "undying" week, I assume that he has to live like that forever? Only these story seems to take place over the course of about 15ish years? There's no rationale for why this guy is kept alive. If he was awake and conscious, he'd be able to move his eyes, and some system of communication would have been established. It's really hard to get into a story when you feel like there are other options the characters aren't exploring. You need to fix this with your writery powers. Stick him in some shithole country where no doctors understand his condition. Make him poor and unable to afford that level of care. Mention his living will. anything to convince me that this guy has no other recourse other than to lay there trapped. You have a daughter that's there every time he wakes up, and then one day not. This is not believable because there would be times before were he woke up alone. Use your writery powers to fix this too. Likewise, a "nurse" that just sits there all day. Your second problem is you just plain overwrite this piece. You try to be deep and wordy and it comes off as laughable. You're not a literary master yet. Stick to simple stories and you'll be able to add that stuff back in later when you know how to do it better. Right now it comes off as a bit pretentious and assumptive. I don't need to hear your philosophical views on death. Similarly, "echoed in my soul" doesn't really mean anything or add anything to the story that couldn't be described in a better way. some of your descriptions are good, and some are bad. Learn to cut out the bad ones. I could tell you were really enamored with your "slideshow of drop-ceiling tiles" idea, but I don't think it strengthened this piece. quote:Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it—whole-heartedly—and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings. Third, your pacing is a little off. This is mostly the story of a guy laying in bed, and trapped. That's cool, and i was hoping somebody would take this route when I saw the prompt. You give a bit of a setup/backstory, and then give him a goal/have a conflict. But there's no real progress toward that goal, and only constant inability to do anything. This isn't exciting. The story then ends with him in the exact same state, without him having changed one bit from the moment he woke up. Do you see why that is frustrating to a writer? Even if he doesn't physically change, you need to have him change emotionally. Have HIM gain hope (progress), convinced he's going to wake up, have tiny setbacks, and then a climax. Even if the climax is his total ruin emotionally and giving up, it'll still be a better story for watching him go through the process.
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Martello posted:FYI you suck, let me elaborate ur a butt edit since people will see this and start writing shitposts unless I put content here: Most of us need all the practice we can get at writing interesting setbacks and believable character motivations. I don't see why huge sword fighting penisladies can't also have setbacks and motivations ![]() Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 22:21 on Jan 16, 2014 |
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In
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petrol blue posted:
JamieTheD posted:Eh, this is a try. Kaishai posted:Endless Night Djeser posted:Assuming Erogenous Beef is correct, I'm still #19. But I stuck with 750 anyway. Barracuda Bang! posted:Felicia Goes South Martello posted:
sebmojo fucked around with this message at 12:41 on Dec 24, 2014 |
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I'm feeling frisky and I want to try a different way to crit a story. Preferably if someone new to the TD would step forward, but anyone would do. I want to focus on dialogue. Post a link of your story for the past prompt and I'll grab the first one. Again, we won't dock you words for doing this. edit: Thank you kind sir. I will get working on it. Mercedes fucked around with this message at 00:41 on Jan 17, 2014 |
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This was my first TD submission. I was told it was pretty horrid ![]() http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=8#post424324372 I agree the Booms got annoying. Bad decision on my part! Thanks.
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crabrock posted:I will crit 1 person who seb isn't critting. This better not lose me 250 words. Hot sexy crits equal words in the bank as any fule kno so in fact you may have 500 words back on your total, minus 13 for being crabrock. New word limit for crabrock: 987
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Click here to listen to your critique.quote:The Genesis Hopefully hearing someone else saying the words you wrote is beneficial to you.
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More crits from Betrayal week, if any of you still even care at this point: Schneider Heim: This was okay, I guess. It felt very wooden though, as if you were trying to imitate a style that you’re not familiar with, which kind of makes the narrative voice sound like George R. R. Martin overdosing on Benadryl. There’s way too much expository dialogue, which is boring and unnatural – people don’t drop huge info bombs every time they open their mouths, and it doesn’t count as showing not telling just because you’re making a character do it instead of including it in the narration. We already talked about this in IRC, also you’re a butthole, so I’m skipping you lol Jagermonster: This was a pretty tightly written piece, and I think it was ranked pretty highly by all 3 judges. The dialogue, characterization, and pacing were all well done, however it’s never made clear what exactly these two are arguing about, which makes it hard to feel invested in the story. Yes, it’s a great depiction of the exact moment of a betrayal, but that’s all it is – there’s no context for either man’s actions/emotions, which makes it feel like some sort of preachy lesson about partisan politics rather than a story about politicians as human beings, doing human things. Mercedes: I had high hopes for this at the beginning, because the second paragraph reminded me of this, but then you did not follow through and I was sorely disappointed in every possible way. Whether this was a seriouspost or not, I think you tried to do way too many things at once which resulted in none of them being done well. I’m all for silliness and humour, since many people in the Dome (myself included) tend towards the serious and/or grim, but my problem with this was that I’m pretty sure you could have made this hilarious and way better than it is, and you didn’t. You jerk ![]() JuniperCake: I’ve been watching too much Adventure Time lately, because all I could picture when I was reading this was Tree Trunks (which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing). This was a pretty solid story, although I think you either got stuck, or fell victim to the word count since it ends pretty abruptly and unsatisfyingly. I enjoyed how you wrote it so that the reader can easily interpret it as a little kid just being imaginative with her toys and gradually growing out of it right up until the part where Susie gets big, so then it was kind of a let-down to have her immediately disappear. I was totally waiting for Maggie to get gruesomely murdered by her childhood stuffed toy-who-is-now-a-real-elephant and you DID NOT DELIVER ![]() petrol blue: I went back and forth on this one a lot. On the one hand, I love the way you portrayed the petty glee that the two characters get from torturing one another, but on the other hand it’s not actually much of a story, and the ending is really weak. There’s not enough story contained within the first two sections, and the ending makes no sense at all as it only vaguely seems to be related to what comes before. You imply that they have no friends, and no money, and a crap couch, and then all of a sudden they seem to have bought a new house AND a new couch, and their friends (that they don’t have?) come over every night, and for some reason they’re refusing to ever spend money (that they don’t have? Even though they bought a house?). I don’t think you thought this through very well, but I think you should take Mavis and put her in a different story because she seems so irredeemably awful, and I love it. ThirdEmporer: So, this was pretty boring. Guy gets drunk at a funeral and doesn’t understand why everyone’s being so nice about the dead guy, even though that is standard funerary protocol. This would have been much more interesting if, instead of having the dude try and think up nice, standard (boring) things to say about his dead friend, you had him thinking about all of the shittiest, most awful things he ever did. Because even though you probably thought it was super interesting and mysterious to hint about Terry being a bad egg, and Elise and John having some kind of secret, it’s actually really tedious because those things are obviously the real heart of the story and you’re not telling us what they are. This whole thing is basically 700 words of you saying “Hey, so I have this great story about this guy and how much of an rear end in a top hat he is, but nobody knows until he dies….buuuut yeah, I’m not going to tell you about it. THE END.”
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Thanks Fanky and Rhino. Oh, and I'm in for this week.
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Sentientcarbon is theoretically going to do crits for the last round, but in any case i think my orgone levels have built up to the point i can do another six more - pipe up if you want one.
sebmojo fucked around with this message at 11:18 on Jan 17, 2014 |
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Suddenly I've become really busy, so I don't have time to write anything that could hope to be considered good, so I'm out for this week.
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![]() Judgment of Anime Magic Realism Brawl (Mercedes X Mag7 X Meinsberg X Sebmojo): Motherfuckers can’t even differentiate between a sugoi and a sempai Mercedes: BRAWL ENTRY MOTHERFUCKERS! MAKE WAY!!!!! Tenten Has a Mean Serve I think based on my limited knowledge on anime, this reads really like that since she has amazing pancake-sized eyes, and then Mikel’s body exploded like a video game character from No More Heroes. It’s fun enough, although the anthropomorphic quality of the tennis racquet didn’t seem quite that magic realist, but I appreciated TenTen and Kana having a huge high five that blew everything up. Honestly though I think Kana should forget that little poo poo Jacques and be all 유♥웃 ℒℴνℯ ヾ(✿❛◡❛)ノ with Tenten so they can go ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ on Kana and Jacques. I think this is better than your beard entry in last week’s, btw. Meinsberg: An End to Childish Things You are the second closest to magic realism, with the speaking wind and the complaining fire, and his hair turning white, etc. It seems like it needs to resonate more with the character’s feelings (see sebmojo’s) to be a bit more. These are really pretty words you are using, but it seems like the mood and tone doesn’t quite befit the purpose which is just what looks like a dude going (ノಥ益ಥ)ノ and burning his anime DVDs and t-shirts. Like, the scenario evokes hilarity (*☉౪ ⊙。)ノ but somehow you write really (๏̯๏) serious (๏̯๏) words like “the cold began to seep into his bones”. Sebmojo: Magical Heroine Miyuki So when we were on IRC you told us the only anime thing you have ever watched was Spirited Away, and I was a little worried because when goons stereotypically would just categorise anime as “lol japan tentacles porno”. I’m glad it did not turn out that way. It’s pretty challenging to make something as banal as what looks like a goofball anime (bombs, ninjas) have a magic realist theme. So although you went down to the typical high school anime thing* (“I can’t tell this cute boy my feelings! (︶ε︶メ)), you still manage to pull out something magical realist by having Jun turn up everytime all the crazy encounters occur, as if a mirror of Miyuki’s own conflicted (´•_•`) feelings about him. So, good job on that. * I think it’s typical, right? I mean, even Archie does that. Magnificient7: JJ 20140113_05234.txt Well I know you did this piece as a snarky one-off. But I want to tell you it was good of you to step up to the challenge especially after I wrote the most mean-spirited post of 2014’s TD thread so far. To which I apologise. I can tell you are all (´ᗣ`) and (╥﹏╥) and then v(ಥ ̯ ಥ)v about the whole anime thing, which honestly I don’t blame you because I don’t know much about it either. But I want to address the parts where you say stuff like this: quote:“my lovely loving writing” Well gently caress you, dude. You have written a nano book, you are reading up techniques to write, you are writing stuff, and you argue with online Internet assholes on writing. So can that totally unkawaii attitude, stop having to make people taunt you or PM to persuade you to keep writing, you ought to (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡 and do what you want to do and try to improve. So ok please be less tsunderay and more ヽ(〃^▽^〃)ノ. Jesus. VERDICT Most Anime: Mercedes Most Magic Realist: Sebmojo Most Consumerist Culture: Meinsberg Most Massive Baby: Magnificent7 Ultimate Winner: Sebmojo ![]() The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 17:03 on Jan 17, 2014 |
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I'll take one
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Rhino, Mercedes, thank you for the crits. I have tried to make my entry this week less loving boring. Peel posted:THUNDERDOME WEEK LXXVI: The Mysteries of the Finite The Lisa Incident (984 words) Dan and Lydia Vargas stood together in their driveway, trying their best to argue quietly so as not to wake the neighbors. Again. “Jesus loving Christ, Dan,” Lydia hissed, squinting in the glare of the automatic garage light. “What happened?” “Just let me explain before you freak the gently caress out.” She clenched her teeth. She hadn’t freaked the gently caress out since the night of the Miranda Incident, thank you, and that had been justified. “I’m not freaking the gently caress out. I’m asking you,” she took a deep breath, “What the gently caress happened to our car?” “Just listen. I was at the airport, right, I merged into the lane and this loving lady…” What followed was a rambling account of how some skinny bitch had left a foot-long curved black welt on their driver’s side door -- something about her being blonde and having no business driving a truck like that, besides. “It’ll buff out,” he concluded. “It’d better,” she said, and they left it that. She didn’t bother to ask how his trip had gone. * An incessant buzzing woke her from a dead sleep. “loving hell,” she managed, words slurred but spoken with feeling. She flung an arm out to wake Dan, but he wasn't there. She groaned, sat up, and squinted at his phone vibrating on the bedstand. She chuckled. He was going to be pissed -- hopefully he'd notice before he got on the freeway. She silenced the phone and rolled back over, only to hear the drat thing start up again, rattling obnoxiously on the table. “Goddamn it,” she muttered. The caller ID read LISA EVANS. Who the gently caress was Lisa Evans? A memory jumped unbidden to her mind -- the Miranda Incident. Walking in on her husband and some tramp she barely knew, pants off, ten seconds away from loving like drunk teenagers at a house party. Oh yeah, she’d freaked the gently caress out. And she could do it again. “Hello?” she answered Dan’s phone. “Who is this?” A woman was sobbing on the line. Startled, Lydia nearly dropped the phone. “D-Dan?” “No. Who the gently caress is this?” Click. Lydia stared at the black screen. It didn’t go off again. * The day after the Lisa Incident, the home phone rang. Lydia looked up from her laptop, where she’d been searching for divorce lawyers online. Dan had denied everything. She’d heard it all before: she always expected the worst of him, she was the one who’d said she could forgive him, Jesus Christ, Lyd, it’s been almost a year. She shut the laptop and answered the phone. “Hello?” “Put Dan Vargas on.” It was a man, but not a voice she recognized, and Lydia didn't like his tone. “Who is this?" “I’m looking for Dan-loving-Vargas. You another of his sluts?” “I’m his wife, rear end in a top hat.” “His wife! Didn’t know he had a wife. Can’t say I’m surprised. What’s your name, slut?” "gently caress off, creep." She slammed the phone back on the receiver. She ignored the next call, letting it go to the answering machine. He was already talking at the beep. “--know what he’s doing with my girl? Tell you what, Mrs. Vargas, how about I come over, slit your loving throat, and leave you there for him to find when he --” She silenced the message. Her hands shook as she called the police. * Dan got home early, for once. Lydia hadn’t told him, but maybe the police had. She met him in the living room. “Hey, Lyd…” he stammered as he walked in. “Did you get any weird phone calls, today?” “Did you? What the gently caress is going on, Dan?” “poo poo,” he said. “I got them, too. Look --” “You want to hear it? Listen to this,” She hit play on the answering machine. Dan listened in silence. “I think I know who Lisa Evans is,” he said when it was done. His face had gone pale. “You think? No poo poo! I called the police, gave them her name. They’ve been watching the house all day.” “Do you remember that blonde I told you about? From the accident?” Speechless, she could only glare. “Listen, Lyd. This is the truth, I swear. I was just going to drive off -- I bumped her tire, for God’s sake, it was barely worth stopping. But this girl was a mess, crying, saying her fiance would kill her if she scratched his truck. So I felt bad, all right? Wrote down my name and number on the back of a receipt, told her if her boyfriend had a problem to call me and I’d work it out.” Lydia recalled that sobbing with a chill. It was a convenient story, but God, she wanted to believe it. “Think her boyfriend found the number.” Dan went on. “Got the wrong idea. But I won’t let him hurt you, all right? He’s probably full of poo poo, but if he comes here --” “You need to tell the police all of this,” Lydia cut him off, stomach churning. “I will. Lydia, please.” He swallowed. “Tell me you believe me.” “I don’t know, Dan,” she said, ignoring the way he flinched. “Come on. Let’s just go.” * The police took their report. An officer gave them a number to call if any strangers showed up. Dan took time off work, and two tense weeks passed without incident. Still, the memory of that sobbing on the line haunted her. One night, looking up marriage counselors on her laptop, she ran a search on impulse. Lisa Evans. A damned common name. Dozens of social media profiles, articles, pictures -- but then, two weeks ago, in the local news: “ESCONDIDO COUPLE FOUND DEAD IN APPARENT MURDER-SUICIDE,” the screen read. “Christopher Parker, 26, and his fiancee, Lisa Evans, 24, were found dead in their apartment after neighbors reported hearing shots --” She slammed the laptop shut.
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The Saddest Rhino posted:Magnificient7: JJ 20140113_05234.txt
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He knows what he likes - 995 words Professor Lindoff perched on the edge of his oak desk, he removed his glasses and placed them into their case. “You three again. We are trying to mould young men here at Farmsbridge but you three are continually trying to pull everybody down.” Alex, Phil and Steven sat on an old bench against the back wall of Professor Lindoff's office. It was quite obviously too far away to have a normal conversation from but Lindoff spent £11,000 on his marble floor and nobody was to move any furniture. The three sat there trying not to laugh. A loose cork, trying to hold a bulging dam's water in. “You know why I have called you here. We had an incident yesterday and I won't leave until I get to the bottom of it.” Phil let out a tiny squeak. The professor's forehead formed a thin layer of sweat across it. He sat down behind his desk. “There was...there was faecal matter left in...” Alex let out a small raspy giggle. “I will not stand for this!” The professor jumped up, his chair rocked back and he immediately dropped to his knees to inspect the floor. The three watched as his hand appeared above the desk and pointed to a handkerchief covering something on the floor underneath a huge portrait of Lindoff. “Over there. I found some... faecal matter underneath my painting.” “Faecal matter Sir?” Phil asked. “poo poo!,” Lindoff sprang to his feet “Somebody had a poo poo in here! Somebody had a poo poo underneath my painting and I want to know who did it.” “How big? Because if it's huge then i'd imagine Phil is the culprit.” Alex said. “OK, this is not fair. I have normal sized shits, stop trying to make this a thing Alex. Ste?” Phil looked to Steven. “I reckon you could build a row of huts in Africa going by the size of your last one.” Lindoff had slowly been massaging his temple while his left foot tapped in time to his increased heart rate. “Listen, I know you think you're all very clever but let me tell you that I have evidence that you all left your dorms yesterday evening.” Alex replied “I was studying at a friend's house. Ask the dorm guards.” “I went for a few drinks with my Dad, check the guest book.” Steven said. “Well...” “What Phil? 'Well' what?” Lindoff had started to click his Parker pen in and out. “Aren't we supposed to have our student president here as a witness?” Phil rubbed his neck, he noticed Alex lean forward. “I've notified your teachers, this can take all day.” Lindoff stopped clicking his pen. Alex was trying to catch Phil's gaze “Where did you go Phil?” Steven started to whistle, Alex was still leaning forward looking at Phil. “This is bullshit.” Steven's whistling stopped. Alex stood up “You went to see her again didn't you? You prick.” “Language gentlemen.” Lindoff had a thing about other people using “bad” language. He was perfectly fine using it himself though. He once suspended someone for saying vulva. “No...I” “You came here didn't you Phil? You got my keys, you walked in and you did a huge abnormal poo poo in my office.” Lindoff's foot started tapping again. “Just admit it, your admittance will help lower the severity of the punishment I promise.” “I didn't do it” Phil said “I have a print! I found a print in the hall outside and i'm willing to guess that it was the culprit who...who made that mess over there.” Lindoff put his glasses back on and walked over to them. “ I had the lab make this plastic mould of the print this morning. Hold up your foot” “OK Sherlock” Alex lifted his foot up. It was too small. “You, lift” Lindoff looked at Phil. Lindoff went to lift Phil's foot but Phil put pressure down causing Lindoff to fall slightly into Phil's shin, knocking his glasses. Lindoff looked up to Phil – his glasses sitting wonkily on his face. “Oh you bloody poo poo. I've had enough of you Philip Thatcher. First it was the fire in the locker rooms, then it was replacing all birth control pills in the nurse's office with Tic-Tacs...” “Abortions left, right and centre but at least everyone's breath was fresh” Alex said. Lindoff stood up and threw the mould away “I will make sure the three of you will never be in the same class again. I will keep you in separate dorms. Do you hear me? You want to poo poo in my office? On my floor?” Lindoff's dog bounced in. His muddy paws made Lindoff's eyes bulge and beads of sweat join together, forming long salty streaks down his face. The dog looked at the painting, shuffled over the handkerchief and without breaking his gaze from the painting he slowly squeezed out a fresh one. Four men sat in silence and watched the dog leave as casually as he had entered. “ELAINE” Lindoff's secretary stumbled in with the dog in her arms. “He keeps getting off the leash Robert, i'm so sorry” She backed out into the hallway bowing apologetically as she left. Alex turned to Phil “Can you smell faecal matter Phillip?” Lindoff's head slipped through his hands and his sweaty forehead rested on his desk “Get out.” Phil said “Yes, I think that is a slight whiff of faecal matter I detect in the air.” “Get out” Steven walked to Lindoff's desk “An apology?” “Get out” The Professor slid down off his chair, and lay on his floor. The marble felt fantastic on his burning forehead. He tilted his head and watched the boys congratulate his dog from under the desk. Lindoff felt like he was melting into the floor, he spread his body out and let the cold floor take hold of him. He ignored the smell of fresh poo poo that attempted to enter his nostrils. “I love this loving floor”
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Hello. In for the mystery, if you'll have me. Also I did an epic bit, I guess it’s late but I hope you‘ll tell me something about it: Leave everything as it is and join me at once 92 words Wallenstein’s order arrives breathless, exhausted. It reads: “Leave everything as it is and join me at once”. Pappenheim pockets it next to his heart and puts the Regiment right back on the march, back along the route. Smart and well regulated they pass by the ashes of yesterday’s work, aloof to the cold sour stink there remains. Back, back down the way smart and swift through the night. The day arrives breathless, exhausted. And just in sweet time: a sweltering fog is strangling Wallenstein’s field ahead. A ball meets Pappenheim on arrival.
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Thanks for the critiques, Rhino, crabrock, and sebmojo. Everyone else who crit something this week: you're awesome too. In.
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# ? Feb 7, 2025 18:11 |
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In for the mystery prompt, because who can pass up a mystery prompt?
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