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Odiferous judgeburps, i will do longer crits for the first three that request them. Also, in. J.A.B.C a new spring hello good evening welcome to thunderdome. Now, cut everything before your first '–-------------'. Do you see how that is a much better story? Start at the interesting bit, don't give us endless paras of all systems nominal check roger over bibblebobble. Words at your story start are gold dust. As to the rest of your story, mmmyeahnah. 'Protag lands on planet, panet is fine' isn't interesting. Your sci if trappings are mostly competent so there is that. Low middle. Hammer bro winter wine Doing a story in all unattributed dialogue is whatchoo might call an advanced technique and you don't have the chops, or if you do they are not on display here. My first read made me shrug with an irritated sort of expression on my robo face; ideally you should be aiming for a response that is not this. Let us see how the second read goes: blah, blah, blah, don't care, wtf zombies, info dump, don't care, blah. Hmmm, that's not good. Dm/loss Cacti summer air Don't introduce your stories. If there is something you need to say put it in your story you adorable Ocker you with your ambos and your firies. Overall this is tolerable to decent, though very slight. Nothing actually happens or changes despite all the incident; I wanted to read it from Zav's pov, which suggests that is where you could have put some character movement in. Middle. Chairchucker wings on fire Kind of clever and sweet, poss hm though I may be giving you too much credit for telling an actual story this time, high middle Jc dent an interlude Basically a rpg splat book vignette, and competent enough in its words and ideas; I wouldn't mind reading an actual story with these guys middle Four play through the flames The change in your main character has potential but it's not convincingly presented, and so there is no emotional impact; he is a cartoon with a post it note on his forehead with CHARACTER GROWTH written on it in sharpie low middle poss dm Quid nose MY MEMORY OF A SAD TIME BY SIMON JOHNSON AGE 8 Man what is it with houses burning down this week. 'Grown up stuff through kids eyes' is a classic riff, and you do it pretty well. I'm a little vague on whether frank frank was a person or a dog, but overall this lands and I particularly liked your last line high middle Anathema device freedom garden Aww, that's real nice. A good sized story, told well with good choice of detail; doesn't overcook the protags past or poss future, and marries the meat and the metaphor with a precise level of control. Hm/win Benny the snake my first beer '“I do not,” I mumbled while unintentionally twiddling my thumbs' is the first phrase that made me roll my eyes and that's a big step for you broseph because that's like 1/3 of the way through. In fact the story is probably your best so far; a few of your wiki style info dumps, but there is a fun bit of interplay with the dad and the son, some decent details, an ok joke or two and it is an actual story, though still too on the nose to quite rate a mention (THIS STORY IS CALLED MY FIRST BEER AND IT IS THE STORY OF HOW I HAD MY FIRST BEER). Very solid middle, or even high middle but that may be your old friend the soft bigotry of lowered expectations talking. Thehomemaster flow So this girl walks and muses and goes looking for water and finds the water and then she is back where she started? Cool, I guess? But not really. Next time use your competent words to have something happen.. Maybe even get your protagonist to be involved, crazy idea just spitballing low middle Starr two halves of a whole Man I hate the late fantasy reveal. It is like story whiplash and squanders the sweet slap of your first line. But that is a minor point, the real issue is that the end of the story and the start of the story are the same; nothing has happened, nothing has changed. Nice setup, if a bit derivative, but use that to punch us don't let it just flop down like that. Middle. Entenzahn and grow anew That is one purrrrple opening para ent, and you veer into the magenta more than I'd like in an ideal world but then we don't live in one of those do we, no. In the imperfect hollow eyed vale of tears which we are bound to trudge, this works pretty well, a decent if gloomy tale of grief and small acts with some good details and a nicely sketched rel'ship with the cliche taciturn dad. High middle. Newtestleper overconfidence What is it with the bland titles this week idek, thoug you basically sell it with the dual meanings. And a bland, if competently written sort of story to go with it. Well evoked sensation of skiing not quite well enough, so your technical chops aren't the issue, but the emotional backbone is MIA under a snowdrift. middle Ironic twist hiding places Hrrrrrrm. This feels like three very nicely written half-stories fighting it out. I really like what you do with your words but I'm left with a combination shrug/wtf, a strange expression cocktail you'd have escaped if you'd focused on telling a story rather than Doing Writing. High middle for good words tho so there's that. Djeser The Aerial Ace and the Battle of Roswell Haha yeah writing popcorn kids stories is fun as hell isn't it. Plus: Martian commies, nice one m8. However you don't do enough with Amelia Earhart to really sell that part of it, and the story verges on Xcom fanfic. Take a place in the soggy middle and be content. Some guy TT Sakura riders Whereas this is basically popcorny tinker bell fanfic and has NO COMMIES possibly a mistake, what do you think. It's also clunky as hell, is packed with dumb words and has a stupid ending. Dm. Nethilia stormy weather Ehhhhh so this has your usual slate of good details but fails fairly hard on telling a story worth reading. The storm rumbles away, but why are we supposed to care? Was that the best possible place to start and finish that story about those people? Low middle for disappointment because i like your stuff but i want you to grapple with the story, not just eye it nervously from the bleachers. Blue squares mr electroworths shovel Dont set up weirdass tense puzzles in your first para. You are musing about what you were thinking about a few moments before you did what you are just doing and o god make it stop. Overall this doesn't land because it doesn't know if it wants us to care; it's too slapstick to be serious but its not quite funny enough to be properly cartoonish. And your tenses are all over the goddam place. I do quite like your title though so there's that. Middle to low middle Ceaselessfuture interference Oookay so you're running a moderately clever metaphor with the interference and the waves and the two people ect ect. But you take a long time to get to the point and it's not super clear the point was worth getting to. First qn; why do we care? That is also last qn too, which makes it easier to remember. I did like your physics musings, next time bolt them to a story with higher stakes maybe? Middle. Obliterati full of hot air Close to a decent noir in space yarn but sprinkled with average dialogue, bad words and I don't get the sense the characters actually care; Albert is cardboard. Middle. Paladinus and peace on earth First para and your dreary wikipediaisms already make me want you to die FYI this is a bad thing. Five paras of leaden backstory and then you start with the dreary speechifying followed by the nonsensical technobabble close out? You try me, motherfucker. Dm/loss Fumble mouse outside her window Your tea and cupcakes old folks routine is not my favourite register of yoursq but I lolled at the catsplosion so you are forgiven. This is a decent one joke knock off, middle. Shaky premise against the cold Holy poo poo sort your tenses out son. And your vocabulary, this is pompously over enunciated in the service of very little. Having a character walking through a white void towards a story always makes me think of writers block, so worth avoiding. Wait, that's it? What was the point of that story. Dude was cold, got warm? dm Crab rock a dirge for lost flowers Lol at your opener, you are getting quite the knack for them. And for witty obtuse dialogue; but this only just manages to justify its own pretension. I know you set up his alienation as the Point, but it makes it hard to care without something more. Lots of good words though. Mayyyybe hm Broenheim a perfect day. A few tense and bad word issues, but this is some strong strange drink and it works because it doesn't try to explain anything. The bland title gets layers of complexity by the end, which Is a good and pleasing thing to me. Poss hm Docbeard last dance Good cohesive world building and a small but well formed story, but the central conflict is too easily resolved and not in an interesting way, plus I don't get the sense that your world and your story have much to say to each other. Making the end of the world shrug worthy is a risky endeavour and you don't quite pull it off still, flash rule implementation only soso. solid middle Grizzled patriarch, the library of Alexandria Haha okay that was rather dark and cool. A small idea but delivered with brio and panache. Hm? Noah dead air Head head head head head head feet is what my first reading of your opening para left me with. This is telling a classic story and doing it fairly we'll, but I think Julius needed more character for it to really land, and the central premise is faintly comic in the absence of explanation. Good slab of words though; high middle. Surreptitious muffin whistling howling Comfortably the best of the "walking through snow while musing" stories this week, but not much to say apart from "here are some good words" high middle Kurona bright the long awaited exhale I have yet to see swapping perspectives half way through a sub 2k word story work well, and you don't break the streak, but this isn't terrible, solid words, some good tension around the revelations. At its heart it's just people talking about stuff that happened rather than actually doing anything. And the ending is a bit too anachronistically cute. solid middle Walmart the ancient fire IT WAS SO QUIET THEY WERE DEAFENED BY THE NOISE I really hate that construction btw not giving me things to hate in your first line is a good route to follow imo. AND OH LOOK AT THAT the end is a dumb obvious twist do you know that is another thing I hate, there's an interesting story you could have told me that started when this one ended why didn't you tell me that story walamor WHY dm Your sledgehammer en garde Contrived setup, lots of clunky unnecessary words, lame ploddy ending awwww yeah that's that fine dm smell Phobia as the rain turns to ice I think of him still This is a nice example of how to do minimal well, the words that need to be there are there, and the details are well chosen. I think I would have liked the ending to be of a similar nature to the rest though, show me a detail that brings it home rather than just telling me. Still, could scrape an hm
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Nov 11, 2014 08:18
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sebmojo posted:Odiferous judgeburps, i will do longer crits for the first three that request them. Also, in. I'd like to take one http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=2749&title=A+Perfect+Day
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Nov 11, 2014 08:29
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sebmojo posted:Odiferous judgeburps, i will do longer crits for the first three that request them. Also, in. I'll take one as well.
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Nov 11, 2014 08:37
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I'll take the third. I was really happy with that story and I want to figure out what went wrong.
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Nov 11, 2014 08:48
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sebmojo, you can make a man blush! I just hope it's better than AT-44 writing! Both this week and last week's writing draws on ideas I had for games. This week was XCOM Kitchen Sink - or The Droods, a Skirmish Level Miniature Wargame However, I hope to improve next week. Less lore, more names, conflict without guns, etc.
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Nov 11, 2014 09:13
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JcDent posted:sebmojo, you can make a man blush! I just hope it's better than AT-44 writing! You were lucky not to get the loss. Write better.
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Nov 11, 2014 09:28
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Prompt updated with signups and songs for those who requested them.
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Nov 11, 2014 10:10
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I'm in.
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Nov 11, 2014 12:39
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Count me in.
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Nov 11, 2014 13:46
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In with a  Two DMs in a row is shameful and I know I can do better. Bring it fellow Domers, I'll walk over all of you punks.  E: Someone might want to issue a Silver Alert, Bossdad has been missing for weeks. Your Sledgehammer fucked around with this message at 13:51 on Nov 11, 2014 |
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Nov 11, 2014 13:47
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In and 'd.
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Nov 11, 2014 14:52
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Hammer Bro. posted:In-Depth critique that points out my need to work on dialog and pacing. sebmojo posted:Shorter critique that focuses on setting, intro and competence. Low middle! Honestly a lot better than what I was expecting for my first prompt. Thanks for the critiques. Also, count me out for this week.
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Nov 11, 2014 15:06
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Is it cool to ask for clarification on a prompt, by the way?
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Nov 11, 2014 15:42
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Thanks for the crits everyone. Your input is very much appreciated. lol Oh. Well. Thanks anyway. I'm in for this round. Might as well go for the flash rule too. Music to set the mood is good.
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Nov 11, 2014 16:28
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Crit for Hammer Broquote:Winter Wine (764 words: winter water) I really liked this, and I don’t think it deserved a loss. It has a story arc, two reasonably well developed characters, and it’s competently written. I could mostly understand what was going on. It definitely needs some edits, and a better understanding of the character’s voices, backgrounds, and word choices. But it’s solid and it was an enjoyable read. My first time through I didn’t even notice it was all in dialog; I was busy enjoying the story. Anathema Device fucked around with this message at 17:55 on Nov 11, 2014 |
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Nov 11, 2014 17:46
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Anathema Device posted:Comments about style and insight into your thought process as you read it. Thanks enormously for the line-by-line. I agree with you on 96.7% of those points. Didn't even notice how badly I was talking to the audience, and the only voice I was happy with was Damon's. I'm still on the fence about the timing of the mechanism reveal: I very much enjoy rereading a story in a different light after making a realization, although in this case it's more like rereading the story in any light after being told a thing, which is a painful distinction. The lines about which clues worked and what you suspected was going on as you read the story are exceptionally helpful. Usually I write too batshit esoteric obtuse; this time I was a bit hamfisted. Eventually I'll find the balance. In other news, I've not the creative energy for proper writing this week. But Anathema Device, starr, Djeser, docbeard, and Benny the Snake, your stories tickled my fancy. Each of you may pick a story, not necessarily your own and not necessarily recent, and I'll be givin' that story a detailed crit as my schedule allows for it.
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Nov 11, 2014 18:46
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In.
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Nov 11, 2014 19:25
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In.
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Nov 11, 2014 19:49
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 But with a that I'll get all my crits done before signups close.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:06
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Sitting Here posted:
I too am ic this week.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:07
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Hammer Bro. posted:In other news, I've not the creative energy for proper writing this week. But Anathema Device, starr, Djeser, docbeard, and Benny the Snake, your stories tickled my fancy. Each of you may pick a story, not necessarily your own and not necessarily recent, and I'll be givin' that story a detailed crit as my schedule allows for it. I'd love a crit on my story from last week. Thanks so much! 
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Nov 11, 2014 21:34
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Hammer Bro. posted:Thanks enormously for the line-by-line. I agree with you on 96.7% of those points. Didn't even notice how badly I was talking to the audience, and the only voice I was happy with was Damon's. I'm still on the fence about the timing of the mechanism reveal: I very much enjoy rereading a story in a different light after making a realization, although in this case it's more like rereading the story in any light after being told a thing, which is a painful distinction.
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Nov 11, 2014 21:55
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Hammer Bro. posted:Thanks enormously for the line-by-line. I agree with you on 96.7% of those points. Didn't even notice how badly I was talking to the audience, and the only voice I was happy with was Damon's. I'm still on the fence about the timing of the mechanism reveal: I very much enjoy rereading a story in a different light after making a realization, although in this case it's more like rereading the story in any light after being told a thing, which is a painful distinction. I, too, would like a detailed crit of my story this week. Specifically I am looking to expand it into a longer story, and I'm wondering what readers would like to see more of. I will also crit the next three people who link their stories. They do not have to be recent stories.
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Nov 11, 2014 22:06
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Crit me crit me~
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Nov 11, 2014 22:07
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Can you crit this story please? http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=2567&title=Grace+is+Gone Thanks!
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Nov 11, 2014 22:09
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Crit Hiding Places please.
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Nov 11, 2014 23:14
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I'm already up to 30k words on my NaNoWriMo project, so I will take a break to try the Thunderdome again. I feel like I have been improving as I write my novel, so perhaps I will do well this wekk.
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Nov 11, 2014 23:19
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Cache Cab posted:perhaps I will do well this wekk. 
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Nov 11, 2014 23:36
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Cache Cab posted:I'm already up to 30k words on my NaNoWriMo project, so I will take a break to try the Thunderdome again. I feel like I have been improving as I write my novel, so perhaps I will do well this wekk. 
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Nov 11, 2014 23:47
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sebmojo posted:I too am don't u know that ur toxiiic
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Nov 11, 2014 23:50
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Hammer Bro. posted:In other news, I've not the creative energy for proper writing this week. But Anathema Device, starr, Djeser, docbeard, and Benny the Snake, your stories tickled my fancy. Each of you may pick a story, not necessarily your own and not necessarily recent, and I'll be givin' that story a detailed crit as my schedule allows for it. I'd be interested in your extended thoughts on my latest, and would be happy to return the favor for the story of your choice.
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Nov 12, 2014 00:08
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Also, in.
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Nov 12, 2014 00:10
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starr - Just making sure we're not counting weeks from Mondays; do you mean the story you posted prior to Two halves of a Whole, or was 2/2 the story you wanted? Benny the Snake ~ It wasn't the best story, but it was a huge step up from the other stuff of yours I'd read. And when I was having that thought, I realized that I both partially recalled the story and did so with some fondness. I'll have to probe my own psyche to find out why. docbeard - I think I'll hop on the selfish bandwagon and ask you to look over Kelvin. I'd like to think the whats and whys of that story are sufficiently self-contained, but mostly all I got were huh?s. Appreciate the reciprocity.
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Nov 12, 2014 00:44
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newtestleper posted:Grace is Gone This isn’t a bad story, despite the briefly confusing and then terribly sad introduction of the dog. My biggest complaint is that Grace doesn’t take any action to save herself. This story is the story of men interacting about a girl. She only has one line, and it’s just her going back to her miserable life. I’d like to see more of Grace, and even see Grace take some action on her own behalf. I don’t like it when women become plot points in stories and stop being their own people. I like the quiet stoicism of the Dad and the narrator, and you do a very good job staying in-tone for this first person view of someone who isn’t a literary genius. You manage to pull that off while keeping the story both realistic and enjoyable to read. Ironic Twist posted:snip You did an amazing job sticking with the kid-voice all the way through. It was a very difficult read, in part because it was too realistic. There’s a reason I don’t read fiction written by eight year olds. I felt like I had to spend more time working out what was going on than I really wanted. An eight year old might not be able to write very clearly, but they can understand a lot. I didn’t get a sense of understanding from this kid. In fact, I didn’t really like this kid much. All in all a very well executed example of a really annoying gimmick. Somebody fucked around with this message at 07:18 on Jan 1, 2015 |
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Nov 12, 2014 01:45
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Hammer Bro. posted:starr - Just making sure we're not counting weeks from Mondays; do you mean the story you posted prior to Two halves of a Whole, or was 2/2 the story you wanted? Sorry for the confusion, I was interested in a crit for the Two Halves of a Whole story.
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Nov 12, 2014 01:48
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Thank you for the crit!
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Nov 12, 2014 02:42
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I'll be drinking wine and critting until I fall asleep. Post here if you want me to to do yours, otherwise I'm going chronologically. Most recent week only.
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Nov 12, 2014 03:19
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I'll take a crit. Thanks
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Nov 12, 2014 03:24
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blue squares posted:I'll be drinking wine and critting until I fall asleep. Post here if you want me to to do yours, otherwise I'm going chronologically. Most recent week only. The more crits I get, the better I can be. Please and thank you.
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Nov 12, 2014 03:25
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J.A.B.C. posted:The more crits I get, the better I can be. Please and thank you. Definitely echo these sentiments, so I'd love one myself!
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Nov 12, 2014 04:08
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