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In I will also do three in-depth crits for stories this week, just link your story.
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Nov 17, 2014 18:34
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Anathema Device: I'd really appreciate your crit on The Tram!
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Nov 17, 2014 18:36
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Anathema Device posted:In Would love mine done. I wasn't happy with it for reasons I can't articulate to myself. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&pagenumber=176&perpage=40#post437756200
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Nov 17, 2014 18:39
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Nov 17, 2014 18:49
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I'm In because I still have a quota to hit this year also woo getting an HM for writing an okay story with no emotional impact and vague goings-on i guess! I'll do better this week.
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Nov 17, 2014 18:53
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Sitting Here posted:I'm In because I still have a quota to hit this year Stop whining you degenerate sluberdegullion. In.
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Nov 17, 2014 18:56
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sebmojo posted:Stop whining you degenerate sluberdegullion. hm. well. *shreds mojo's invitation to my pity party.*
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Nov 17, 2014 18:59
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I'm in.
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Nov 17, 2014 19:19
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In
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Nov 17, 2014 20:06
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Hit me with a proverb you poohead
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Nov 17, 2014 20:13
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In.
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Nov 17, 2014 20:40
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Anathema Device posted:In I'll take one for this story. Thanks muchly 
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Nov 17, 2014 21:20
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In, with 
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Nov 18, 2014 01:32
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As of right now, prompt post should be updated
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Nov 18, 2014 01:50
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In. Got a brawl as well, but as well double down, because of all the sunk cost and stuff.
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Nov 18, 2014 02:16
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Gimme a proverb, because this week I am in.
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Nov 18, 2014 02:45
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I forgot about Thunderdome. My shame. My shame. I would sign up for this one but I'm going to Disneyland this weekend so gently caress writing :hellsyeah:
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Nov 18, 2014 02:48
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in
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Nov 18, 2014 03:02
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Threw out my back by being fat and goony. But my loss is your gain! Since I'm immobile, I've got nothing better to do then to offer everyone "crippled crits." Enjoy! Crippled Crits Part I: Merc, chthonic bell, Cache Cab, thehomemaster, Cacto, Entenzahn, bluesquares. 1. Mercedes - Wraith For Me -Hmm. I like the idea of bureaucracy as the reason people remain in limbo for so long. -Okay nice! A little action, a little violence, I understand Nadia's motivations and I want to see what's beyond the black mirror. At this point in the story, I'm hoping it's something negative because it doesn't seem conceivable that getting into heaven from limbo should work this way. -I wish you had a bit more description of the post-mirror setting, but the word count doesn't seem to allow for it. I don't fault you for this; I had the same issue. -I liked this when it was a cute quest to try to sneak into heaven, but now it's coming across as a setup to reintroduce Black Satan from your previous work. -Wait? Nadia bites an imp's face off, sneaks out of limbo, makes a deal with Satan, helps him steal souls, and now presumably she gets her freedom? Sorry, Merc. I don't dig it. Overall I liked it, even with the backdoor inclusion of Black Satan, but that ending doesn't work for me at all. Where you hooked me:"She’d been in limbo for 790 years." Where you lost me completely: "His smile widened, revealing gilded teeth. 'Can you dig it?'" 2.chthonic bell - The Tram -Present tense jarred me a little at first but I quickly got used to it. -Isak is laughing, but everyone else thinks he's nuts. It makes me want to see just *how* disconnected from reality he is. The problem is, you've already told us what happened to the tram. I think the story might work better if readers knew nothing up front about what actually happened. Your audience might be motivated to keep reading due to the mystery. -The dramatic structure is wanting. It's like, 'there's a guy, he's hurt but he doesn't get it. Oh, now he gets it. Nah, never mind he's still kinda deluding himself.' Where you hooked me: "I'm lying on someone's head, Isak thinks and starts laughing,the sound small and surreal in the stricken tram." Where you lost me completely: "He's got time to walk to the Bolshoi." 3. Cache Cab - I'm Dreaming of a Moons over My Hammy -"I breathed a sigh of relief after I rolled the incendiary bomb through the slightly-ajar door, having never been a competent bowlerPERIOD -Also, "incendiary" is redundant. We know what bombs do. -"...picked a spider leg out of my teeth." Wait, what? -"The explosion begged to differ." Ugh. First off, "begged to differ" is cliche. What's worse, an explosion cannot "beg to differ." Metaphor, schmetaphor, this line is just dumb. It's the equivalent of "the explosion stuck its tongue out at me" or "the explosion yelled 'I told you so.'" -"Flaming spider carcasses landed in the yard around us, giving me the worst case of "tight-butthole syndrome" I'd ever had" Stopped reading here because this story is just a troll. Where you hooked me: You didn't. Where you lost me completely: flaming spider carcasses and tight buttholes. 4. thehomemaster - Time to Fly -As I start to read this, I'm worried about the potential for this apocalypse to be a really cliche all-encompassing kind of calamity. -Why are newspapers even coming out? I could see journalists still working, but try convincing the low level grunts at the printing facility to keep working while they face imminent death. -You know, I want to hate this but I just can't. I like how the end of the world comes from plants turning on humans, with humans reacting in the most counterproductive way possible. That at least avoided the more cliche apocalypse stories like nuclear winter, zombie virus, or alien attack. I've read way too many apocalypse stories in my time, spent countless hours contemplating how I would live differently if I knew the world were about to end. So I'm nervous about stories that fit too snugly into that mold. -Aww. It's a shame that I'm so easily won over, but for whatever reason when people introduce gay love (even unrequited) into a story, I just go :3. This is patronizing on my part to actual gay people; they don't exist just for me to think they're adorable. Thank you for showing me this personality flaw of mine. -"He meant to ignore it..." This line is also telly. You're already showing me that Dave is dismissing Chris's feelings. Don't tell me it too. -Chris walking out on Dave after such a brief conversation feels really abrupt. I'd recommend fleshing out their conversation a bit more, maybe have Dave provoke Chris a little more before Chris just up and leaves. -Noooo! The paragraph that starts with the word "Peace" is a big misstep, IMO. Earlier, when you said the plants were attacking, I already took the opportunity to ponder "eating, planting, cultivating and smelling creatures that could turn off your life support at will." Your piece was ALREADY thought provoking in that regard. But instead of letting me chew on these thoughts, you spoon fed them back to me later in the story. Trust the reader to think about these implications; don't shove it all in the reader's face. Also in the paragraph you point out that no one knows how this all happened (the plants turning on humans). So...why tell us that? If you aren't going to give us an explanation, and least keep the mystery alive. Instead you've just given us one big explicit shrug. I don't need to know the specific causal mechanism for why the plants turned on the humans, but it hurts your story to be so upfront about shrugging it off as 'whelp, can't nobody reckon how.' I'd cut this whole paragraph. I hope I haven't seemed too harsh here. Overall, I liked this story. Mainly, it avoids the pitfalls of the cookie-cutter apocalypse tale. With major revision, this story really could be good. Where you hooked me:"‘I love you.’ Chris sat opposite Dave..." Where you lost me completely:The paragraph starting with the word,"Peace." 5.Cacto - The perfect life -Good opening line. -It would be better to show me that Trevor is sensible and a mechanic rather than to tell me those things. -By any chance have you read "Player Piano" by Vonnegut? Your story is similar in so many respects, I'm wondering if it was a source of inspiration for you. That's not a bad thing btw. -Message seems to be that dignity, agency, accomplishment, and pride are human needs that are too easily dismissed in our society (and therefore by AIs in your story). Yep, you illustrate the point well. Again, it reminds me strongly of Player Piano, but getting compared to Vonnegut is a complement. I liked this overall, the only downside is I've seen this basic story before in other sci-fi. That said, it hasn't become cliche yet, IMO. Where you hooked me: "When the machines took over, the market responded with great enthusiasm." Where you lost me completely: You didn't. 6. Entenzahn - Clamity -Clever use of the prompt. -The phrase "villainy-related data" feels awkward. Maybe just "villains' profiles" instead? -I failed the maturity test and laughed at the vagina joke(s). Yep, you hit the right notes here. It was campy, morbid, funny, and awkward all at once. It parodies comic book heroes pretty well. Had I been judging, I wouldn't have voted for an HM, just because the story is a bit too fluff for that. Still, for me it's in the top third this week. Where you hooked me: From the opening line. Where you lost me completely: You didn't. 7. blue squares - Too Late -"aching reflection" Say what? -Gee, I hope this story isn't almost entirely dialogue (scans the rest of the story) *sigh*. -Hmm. We've got fire and freezing water. I'm not sure what the calamity actually was. -It doesn't seem like you've done anything really to make your characters interesting. It's sad that I'm rooting for them to commit suicide but can you blame me? These people are cardboard cut outs. By all means, take the yellow pills. -Hahahaha, I like the ending. The problem is, it's supposed to be tragic, but since you've given me no reason to care about the characters, I'm amused at their woe. That's a bad sign. You were so kind to give me a line-by-line crit that I feel badly having to give you a harsh review, but I gotta call 'em like I see 'em. Where you hooked me: Didn't really. Where you lost me completely: The moment I saw that the story was nearly all dialogue. Armack fucked around with this message at 07:39 on Nov 18, 2014 |
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Nov 18, 2014 04:09
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Your Sledgehammer posted:I'll take a Bennycrit of this story if you don't mind. Thanks so much! I'll gladly trade a crit in return, just pick one of your stories.  Bennycrit-Your SledgehammerBy the way Sledge, mind if I take a rain check on your crit? I have a feeling I'll need it soon. And sorry it took so long. Word Count: 900 Lights in the Vault of the Sky, and a Blueberry Muffin In the beginning, there was Nothing. The Divine felt very lonely, and wept twinkling, crystalline tears that she collected into her hands. She held her hands tightly and breathed life into the droplets, and when the moment was full, she opened her hands. Fireflies came pouring out, their wings beating out a joyful hum that a discerning ear can still hear today as they fled into the inky void. Pleased, the Divine set out to create things for the fireflies to illuminate with their cheery, chartreuse glow. One firefly lit over a formless, cold world. Bitter, gray dust choked out the angry, life-giving magma at its core and billowed across its surface, pushed by the insatiable winds that danced through the atmosphere. This sentence ought to be separated. The firefly was delighted by the formless sphere and shown its light all the more brightly. What the cold rock lacked in character, it made up for in potential. It was a block of marble awaiting a hammer that would inevitably come. The cruel winds would calm into liquid and the rock would slowly take on a temperament. Another firefly lit over a blossoming verdant globe teeming with life. Furry shapes bounced through trees and winged things gathered in such numbers that the firefly’s glow was blotted out. Creatures scrabbled across the ground and through the muck. They played and killed and loved and ate and sang, driven ever onwards by the uncomplicated joy of being. The firefly was pleased. The creatures would never possess the wherewithal to reach for the spiritual plane, but their lack of shame allowed them a kind of freedom that the firefly would never grow tired of. A third firefly hummed over a wistful blue marble. This orb too had life, and one particular creature had an intellect so formidable that it had crowned itself king and gone about ordering the world after its whims. The structure and logic it imposed on itself caused it to think it was fundamentally different than its animal brethren, and the firefly was satisfied to let it continue thinking so. After all, it was special. One day, the firefly peeked through the window of a crooked, tiny A-frame on a hill, where a woman sat waiting for her lover to return from the depressing toil of the overnight shift She’d only been up for an hour and was still in her nightgown, a silky little slip that barely covered her, when Brian burst through the front door and flashed her that lopsided, boyish grin of his. His face and hands were dull with factory grime and his eyes drooped with exhaustion, but he was glad to see her. Ruthie desperately wanted Brian to think of her home as his home, too, and had done everything in her power to cultivate a domestic atmosphere. Cooking breakfast for him was out, though. She’d baked a chicken for him last week knowing full well that she could barely boil water. One bite of the gray, rubbery mess told her she had failed, and Brian spent the remainder of the meal telling her how good it was while he coughed and his eyes watered. Cooking breakfast was certainly out. She’d settled for some store-bought blueberry muffins instead. There’s just something about baked goods, and Ruthie knew it was one of the most powerful symbols she could send at a man. After they kissed, she got them off the counter and placed them on the table as eagerly as if she had made them herself. “That’s sweet of you, baby, but the dayshift supervisor brought donuts this morning,” Brian said. “Oh! Ok then,” Ruthie said with a pinched smile. She got him coffee and moved the conversation right along, but she was more than a little crestfallen. She decided she’d eat one of the muffins herself, and popped open the box. An overwhelming berry miasma filled the room, and one bite revealed the muffin to be cloyingly sweet, with a blueberry flavor so intense that coffee could barely knock it down. The fact that the muffins were terrible only made Ruthie feel worse, and by the time Brian ambled over to the couch to catch a quick nap, Ruthie found herself fighting back tears. The relationship would only last another couple of months. Ruthie and Brian would both be left wondering what happened, and that process of digging through the memories for clues would lead Brian to realize how badly he’d misread that morning with the muffins. She’d been so thoughtful and it had gone completely over his head. It was one of those weirdly sentimental things that would morph into a regret so profound that it would even bubble up among his last waking thoughts seventy years hence. The firefly hummed joyously. The humans thought they were falconers when they were in fact falcons, carrying out the purpose that the Divine had decided before she’d even lit up the night sky. But for all their delusions of grandeur, they were special. They were the only things in the universe capable of that kind of intense, occasionally misbegotten empathy. Only a person could imbue a blueberry muffin with meaning. The firefly glowed with glee. He’d chosen the right world to illuminate, and he loved the people that lived there. Above him, the Divine smiled, lonely no more. This is a really melancholic story. I like how this is a creation myth, down to how it reads like a re-telling of the spoken word myth itself. You also combined it with a brief scene of domestic drama which was heartfelt and a little sobering too. Just watch for run-ons and fix your telling. Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 06:14 on Nov 19, 2014 |
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Nov 18, 2014 18:43
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Oh and I'm doubling-down as well-in for this week.
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Nov 18, 2014 18:43
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edit: nvm Merc's got it. Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at 19:30 on Nov 18, 2014 |
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Nov 18, 2014 19:27
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Grizzled Patriarch posted:systran is probated, but would like a proverb. A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on.
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Nov 18, 2014 19:29
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Jitzu_the_Monk posted:A whole bunch of crits That reminds me: Whistleblowing posted:
Thoughts: In my original summary I said that what's important in a whistleblowing story is what is actually being whistleblowed (?) on, and we don't have this here. All in all I think you have a similar issue to me which is underexplaining things: we don't know why this newspaper story matters, we don't know who's torturing him and we don't know why they suddenly back off at the end. If you'd been able to tie these threads together – say, if this were a Watergate-equivalent that actually brought down the agency torturing him – it could have been an interesting story of resistance. All we get though is the torture. Style-wise, I feel like you use too many words in a lot of places, and it messes up the rhythm of the piece. I am a sucker for snappy dialogue though. Don't necessarily look at the There are bits of this that do work though. Your protag has a few good moments of active resistance but his 'do I break' moment is averted by the eleventh-hour reprieve. As a character you want him to pass through this himself rather than have the plot snatch him away. I'd have liked to see more of that sort of development in this story. Reading recommendation: Oh boy do I have high-brow literature for you, befitting the taste of the kinda guy who does reading recommendations. Here's Cory Doctorow's “Huxleyed Into the Full Orwell”. The problem with making your character the victim of torture is that sooner or later something's got to break and it won't be pretty. You've done a Picard and have him break but get pulled out at the last minute: this is probably the best solution but it can't help but seem sudden. This story averts the problem by telling the story from a companion's perspective and allowing the final fate of the victim to be quietly unsaid.
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Nov 18, 2014 23:47
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I suppose I should do something with my life. I'm in.
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Nov 18, 2014 23:57
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updated
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Nov 19, 2014 00:12
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Benny the Snake posted:
No worries! Thanks for the crit. And a rain check is fine, feel free to cash it in whenever
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Nov 19, 2014 02:30
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Your Sledgehammer posted:No worries! Thanks for the crit. And a rain check is fine, feel free to cash it in whenever Crits, psh, who ever promises to do those oh wait I do. to do my outstanding three by this time tomorrow.
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Nov 19, 2014 02:57
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In. Come at me.
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Nov 19, 2014 02:59
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Grizzled Patriarch posted:a good crit Belated, but thank you for the crit! Would you mind terribly editing the story portion out of your crit post ((http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&pagenumber=174&perpage=40#post437652397), please? I'm doing a bunch of revision and then sending it to a couple of places, and the story not being accessible on the web is usually in submission guidelines.
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Nov 19, 2014 03:06
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Morning Bell posted:Belated, but thank you for the crit! No problem!
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Nov 19, 2014 03:46
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Your line-by-line was incredibly helpful, Obliterati! You pointed out a number of things that would not have otherwise occurred to me. Thanks!
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Nov 19, 2014 05:48
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Crippled Crits Part II: Baby Babbeh, Gau, Beef Steakwell, Tyrannosaurus, Clandestine!, Anathema Device, Kaishai, JcDent 8.Baby Babbeh - The Left Behind -"The first -Your narrator's voice feels old-timey, but then we get "boombox." -The way you first describe Rose, when Tom first sees her, made me wonder if she was undead. Even though she's not, I still liked this description of her, and of Tom's shock upon seeing her. It's appropriately chilling. And in a sense, Rose was "dead" to Tom. -I like that you're subtle about Tom and Rose's history, but I wish you had given us just a tiny bit more information so that we could more easily imagine what the details might have been. This is just a straight-up good story. Good conflict, a little mystery, distinctive characters, generally good prose, solid description. Yep. Good job. If I had been judging, I would've voted HM. Where you hooked me:"'She’s gone,' Lisa said." Where you lost me completely: You didn't. 9. Gau - jan Sewi telo Poli -You write convincingly in the folk-tale style. -It's creative that in the context of the story, the tale of the fire and the ship isn't some age-old passed down piece of lore. It's something that happened recently and the current fires warrant explanation. It's refreshing to read a folk-tale that supposedly happened right before its telling. -Your style is more appealing than your structure. In terms of plot, I would've liked to have seen more compelling conflict. -My biggest criticism is this: You could improve this story with better characterization. Right now, the holy women in the story aren't really distinctive characters. It's not enough to single out one and just label her "the great Woman," whatever that really means. Characters should have their own distinctive and interesting identities. In your story I don't really know much of anything about anybody. Some characters blend together, others are given cursory distinctiveness: "high Woman," "boatman." This story has potential but is unsatisfying in its current form. With revision, you could really make these characters come to life. With smalll adjustments to plot, you could also ramp up the urgency and make the action more compelling. Where you hooked me: I will give you the story of sewi telo Poli, the skyboat. Where you lost me completely: Didn't really lose me with any particular line. 10. Beef Steakwell - The Morning After -Your title is trite. -"The darkness had been...palpable" For real? What did it feel like? -Your prose is a touch purple. I'd say pare it down. -Watch your verb tenses. I can't really add to what others have already told you. It's bible fanfic, and mediocre even by fanfic's low standards. Where you hooked me: You didn't. Where you lost me completely: The darkness had been thick and palpable, more like drowning in black waters than simply the passing of night. 11. Tyrannosaurus - Ding -I really got sucked into this story shortly after the reveal. Who would've thought that a D&D scenario and its aftermath would be *more interesting* than an actual bomb? -Clever use of the prompt. CC made it clear that "calamity" could be loosely interpreted and entirely personal. -This is the perfect example of a story being great, yet I can't articulate quite why. You somehow make Jamie relatable. Why do readers relate to him, instead of being repelled by his social ineptitude? Maybe it's because he takes a chance and demonstrates personal growth. Well done in any case. -The D&D reveal was magnificently done. As soon as I realized what had actually happened, I went back and noticed all the little clues that you had already placed. Like how "He rolled the dice" could come off as figurative until you realize the role-playing element. Congrats on the win! You deserve it! Where you hooked me: "I’m sick of everything changing every time the DM sees a new movie." Where you lost me completely: You didn't. 12. Clandestine! - Harpy -A lot of the crits for this piece have suggested that the reader doesn't really know why Iris wanted to marry Henry. I disagree with that. In hindsight, she probably wanted to marry him because he could accept her being a harpy (even if he wasn't thrilled about that). That's also why the twist matters. It shows how desperate Iris was for love. Not everyone is going to marry a harpy, so Iris is willing to put up with a lot of poo poo from her romantic partner, so long as he makes her feel desirable. -Forget Iris's motivation for marrying. What was Henry's motivation for proposing? He obviously doesn't like Iris's harpy side. Did he propose to her just because she's willing to put up with abuse? That's a good way to get clawed to death. I understood his cold feet, but the proposal (from Henry's perspective) didn't make sense to me. What did he see in Iris? -Since Henry proposed at the opera, you might consider specifying which opera they were attending. Bonus points if the opera adds meaning to the story. Overall, this story was mid-tier in a strong week. Not bad at all. Where you hooked me: "Most of her valued friends..." Although this sentence was run-on, it did make me curious to know the circumstances of Iris getting stood up at her own wedding. Where you lost me completely: "You never liked to remember who I am, did you?" 13. Anathema Device - Problem -A decent piece. -My only real criticisms are 1) that the pacing is jarring, almost enough to be ADHD inducing, and 2) the piece is almost too easy. Nothing bold or brave about the writing. Not bad, but a little bit cookie cutter. Where you hooked me: From the first line. Where you lost me completely: Somewhere around the third scene change. 14. Kaishai - Winter's Tokens I feel weird critting the winningest TD combatant. There's no particular reason why you should value my input on your story, but I'll offer it just the same. -You have a special talent for creating atmosphere without sliding into pretension. -"frozen world," "jags of broken wood sheathed in winter's glass," "sculpture, not life." Well done! I'm not even through the first paragraph, and already I'm rapt in poetic prose. Someday I hope to write like this. -Atmosphere, images, description and then...meh. -I realize the word count was low this week, but I needed a little something more to maintain my full interest/attention. Did you ever have an English teacher who taught imagery by handing out a vignette and having everyone circle all the images? The images were great, weren't they? But there wasn't much mystery, action, compelling characterization, or pepped-up plot. Nobody in the class really finished the story. We just kinda copied off each other and circled a few pretty images. Where you hooked me: "The boy stood still on the other side of the panes, staring through the fog of his breath at a frozen world." Where you lost me completely: You never lost me completely, but my interest waned from "Many more feathered bodies huddled in the orchard trees" onward. 15. JcDent - Not Much -What does it mean to "be a nice ship, in space and in historical recordings"? -I would rewrite the second sentence as: It's a lot less nice when it's leaking hypercore liquid, having crashed in the middle of a shantytown. Then you can bring up the hole. -The story is heavy on tell and light on show. See, this story hasn't passed the "why should we care" threshold. Every story needs to give readers some reason to care. Maybe it's a relatable character that they're rooting for, maybe there is some kind of mystery that piques their curiosity, maybe you've created a unique environment that the reader wants to explore through your narration. Whatever it is, we need to be made to care about it. It's not enough just that there is a setting and characters are there. It's gotta be compelling or unique in some way. Where you hooked me: You didn't. Where you lost me completely: Somewhere between the first and second paragraphs. Armack fucked around with this message at 07:22 on Nov 19, 2014 |
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Nov 19, 2014 07:14
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Thank you for the crit Jitzu_The_Monk. I recognise that I have a lot of areas to make improvements in, but in order to make improving more manageable; what do you think is think is the most important thing for me to focus on first?
Beef Steakwell fucked around with this message at 10:50 on Nov 19, 2014 |
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Nov 19, 2014 10:17
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Free precrits this week for the first three people who ask since the shitlist from #117 didn't take theirs. We can also discuss your plot outlines or w/e. (If you take one make sure you send me something by Saturday at the latest.)
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Nov 19, 2014 11:47
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I'll take one, thanks Entenzahn!
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Nov 19, 2014 13:23
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Beef Steakwell posted:Thank you for the crit Jitzu_The_Monk. I recognise that I have a lot of areas to make improvements in, but in order to make improving more manageable; what do you think is think is the most important thing for me to focus on first? I'm just starting out myself, so be sure to talk to the more experienced people too. But my advice is to concentrate on tighter prose, developing interesting characters, and building compelling conflicts. Possibly in that order.
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Nov 19, 2014 14:43
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Entenzahn posted:Free precrits this week for the first three people who ask since the shitlist from #117 didn't take theirs. We can also discuss your plot outlines or w/e. I'll take one, because I didn't take advantage of mine last week.
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Nov 19, 2014 16:03
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chthonic bell posted:Anathema Device: I'd really appreciate your crit on The Tram! quote:The tram has been knocked right off the rails by the blast. It now lies on its side amid the snowdrifts, like a dying animal. I’m put off by the “has been/is now.” Present tense is all about immediacy, so why start with something that has already happened? Snow settles on Isak's face through the shattered windows. He opens one eye and stares up, unseeing. He can taste blood. There's something hard and round under his back. He reaches down and feels someone's fur hat, wet and sticky and then the unmistakable texture of hair. On a line level, this (especially the last half) is pretty good. The strength of present-tense is immediacy, so you need to think especially hard about phrases that pull attention away from the moment. I don’t want to be reminded that someone is writing this; I want to experience it as it unfolds. There are some lines with unnecessary words, but there’s also a few times when you use “like..,” as in “like a dying animal, like he’s moving underwater, like a marionette.” These don’t feel like Isak’s thoughts, and remind me that this is being written. I normally wouldn’t advocate for anything that makes it harder to understand what’s going on, but the first line reads a bit like the camera is zooming in across the tram, to Isak. Everything else follows really tightly from Isak’s perspective. A bit of confusion at the beginning would make sense, given Isak’s confused state. The ending doesn’t really follow from the beginning or middle. His need to get to Bolshoi isn’t mentioned until the last line, so having time to get there (if he doesn’t freeze to death) doesn’t have a lot of impact. For the rest of the story, I’m wondering is Isak will survive, and the ending doesn’t really clear that up (can he really walk overnight in the state he’s in in that weather?) Overall this has a nice, floaty tone that makes sense with someone in shock, and decent description, but not a lot of plot. blue squares posted:musical flash rule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHrkv4JRnC0 Your characters aren’t strong enough to carry off such an emotionally based story, and it ends up being pretty melodramatic. In general seeing a character at their weakest moment only carries power if you’ve seen them strong, and seeing them strong only carries power if you’ve seen them weak. A good character arc contrasts a starting point with an ending point, and there’s change in the middle. Here we have a character who starts out not wanting to die, and ends up not wanting to die. We have another character who starts out wanting to die, and ends up wanting to die. There’s no change or movement, and so there’s no power. Otherwise, your writing is pretty good. The pacing works, and there’s some nice imagery. Your Sledgehammer posted:Whenever This World is Cruel to Me On a line level, you had a few little rough spots that more reading and practice writing will help you avoid. You did a good job keeping your descriptions relevant to the story and the characters, but they could be a bit more vivid. On a story level, this reads almost like an essay with an introduction “Everyone’s gender was swapped” and a conclusion “everything happens for a reason” with the middle bits either expanding on the introduction “yes, everyone’s gender is really swapped” or the conclusion “Terri makes an interesting girl.” It’s okay for the reader to be confused when the viewpoint character is (within limits.) If you state your premise in the first sentence, you don’t need to show us that it’s true with the conversation about the football team. I have a hard time connecting to this story. I guess I don’t really see what the big deal is. So what, everyone’s a different gender/sex (these aren’t the same thing.) They don’t seem to have trouble with it; it’s been like that all along for them, so you’re not exploring trans* themes really. The only person it really changes anything for is your protagonist, and mostly it seems to change how he views people. I’d connect more strongly to this piece if it explored questions like “what does gender/sex have to do with personality” but it doesn’t go very deeply into that. It’s possible this was a humor story and I just missed the funny. Overall, your writing isn’t bad but I encourage you to dig deeper for the emotional consequences of your story premise.
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Nov 19, 2014 17:13
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Fear not, Anathema Device, the crits are still trickling in. First, from memory. It's been a while now, but I remember the broad strokes. You had an abused female protagonist, which I recall being especially common that week, but she was trying to move on with her life. To grow personally, combined with the metaphor of her growing things physically. I remember it being touching and inspiring -- an unremarkable setting but a character one couldn't help but root for (apologies). After a reread, most of what I remember still stands. You do an excellent job of conveying a character who's emotionally wounded. I think the concept I relate with, or at least the main part that makes it feel inspiring, is that the character is attempting to take control of her destiny. To no longer be a victim of circumstances, and to earn happiness via effort. Everyone has felt like life is getting them down at some point (externalizing their problems), and the notion that we can control our fate is a powerful one. I'm not sure that there is much more I'd like to see from this piece: the background was hinted at expertly, and explicitly revealed in a fashion that didn't feel like it was beating me over the head. The budding romance (ack, I must be tired this morning) felt wholesome and honest and delightfully innocent for people their age. More on the line-by-line: Anathema Device posted:Freedom Garden
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Nov 19, 2014 19:10
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