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In.
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 20:07 |
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# ? Dec 4, 2024 01:51 |
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Oh poo poo 24 signups already In.
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 20:18 |
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In for a probably horrifying story!
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 20:49 |
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In!
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 20:57 |
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Let's do this. In.
Ugly In The Morning fucked around with this message at 22:12 on Feb 11, 2014 |
# ? Feb 11, 2014 21:07 |
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I haven't written anything worthwhile since middle school. I look forward to continuing that streak. In.
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 21:09 |
Yeah ok I'm in.
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 21:22 |
gently caress yeah.
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# ? Feb 11, 2014 22:41 |
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gently caress it. I'm doing it. I'm combining both my brawl and this week's prompt into one poo poo-show. Edit: You misspelled "stupid". Mercedes fucked around with this message at 00:27 on Feb 12, 2014 |
# ? Feb 12, 2014 00:05 |
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You are one brave sonofabitch.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 00:12 |
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Count me in. I could use a change of pace in not writing anything since high school.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 01:11 |
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CRITS So, this is about 2/3rds of the crits. My esteemed fellow judge Sebmojo should be along with the last 11 or so entries left over at some point, and I know Kaishai is well under way with her feedback. So if you don't see your story here, don't worry! There is more to come. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR STORY, DO SO VIA PM, IRC, OR IN THE FICTION ADVICE THREAD. NOT IN THIS THREAD, I WILL IGNORE YOU IN THIS THREAD. Elfdude Grammar issues, comma issues. I’m not really sure if I understood what was going on properly. The inclusion of your element didn’t really feel very natural; it would have been better to work it in more subtly. You didn’t lose by virtue of the fact that this had a recognizable story arc and an ending. This warrants a deep critique, which I’m not doing, so maybe head over to the fiction farm? Mr_Wolf There were comma issues and general mechanical wonkiness. I felt like I was reading a Peep Show novelization which is sort of good and bad, because I like Peep Show, but I have to wonder if this isn’t a bit borrowed. Unless maybe my binge watching recently is causing me to project, my bad. This story has me torn, because while the writing itself has so many issues, stuff happens! Our character has a defined motivation! He seems sort of sympathetic, then less so, then even less so. He doesn’t get what he wants, but then, we don’t really want him to so it’s sort of a happy ending? Your adherence to the prompt wasn’t too bad, I actually like how you added a pop of color to the story. I really don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t really get the “spun her head around like the girl in the exorcist” thing though, did she actually or did she just turn and give him a scary look? Whalley You say mouth two times in the first sentence and it’s weird. A lot of things in this are weird. I find it hard to believe that Lao Qiu would be totally surprised that his workplace was making him sick when he’s puking like bloody vomit. But hrrrm I like the mushroom thing. I did have to read wikipedia to figure out which part of your story was derived from your element, and you did an alright job incorporating it. But like a lot of the entries this week, it felt like there was a nod to some obligatory wikipedia reading, and then the story just kind of got on with business as usual. Baudolino Ow my eyes. The paragraph breaks in this entry were all over the place. You included an almost word-for-word bit from the wikipedia article. And you didn’t even have to! It’s not really relevant to your story who discovered polonium or what it was named after. This story itself ends pretty abruptly. I’m not a big fan of endings where the “protagonist”, such as they are, is just BLAP *dead*. Nikaer So the writing is pretty good. I’m undecided on how I feel about your use of the prompt. This needs a theme or a metaphor; you almost had something with this girl’s interest in lightbulbs, but you didn’t go anywhere with it. So it feels a bit shoehorned. This is decent enough that a strong theme would’ve made me like it a lot. Chairchucker This is weirdly dark for you CC, what’s up? Otherwise, this was a favorite this week. My only critique was that the narrator was almost too hateful for me, and had no self awareness. If she had been a little more human, this could’ve clinched it for me. All in all, a strong entry. El Diabolico Um. Well this…..ends. The issues with this are as myriad as the colors in your subterranean sky. Lead has so many uses and is EVERYWHERE, yet I didn’t really think about it while reading this. Pipes and poo poo, I guess? Maybe your protagonist is suffering from lead poisoning at the end? Each sentence is blocky and your descriptions and metaphors are all very tired and well-worn. And then the ending. This feels like the beginning of something, not a complete short story. Entenzahn This was barely not scifi, but ok technology at the end of an era of magic, I’ll work with it. The writing itself was serviceable, though your description of things, particularly the sort of stream-of-consciousness moment where Jyllo touches the uranium under ground, wasn’t the most inspired. The only bit that I really didn’t get was the ending. Is the implication that, in trying to help the world prepare for this prophecy, Kyllo brings about the end of magic? Don’t actually answer that here, but the fact that I was unsure should tell you something. Overall not the best, not the worst, pretty middle of the pack for me this week. Meinberg BAD MEINBERG. All you would’ve had to have done was NOT included the nebula cruise-type bullshit and I would have argued with Kai until I was blue in the face that this was pretty realist near future tech. But no, SPACE STUFF FOR NO REASON. The story itself is ok, if nothing new. I like that you didn’t have your protagonist abruptly killed at the end, though I’m not sure why he is so sure they won’t just kill him anyway or follow through on the deal. Your writing is clear, I think you just need to learn how to have more fun with your concepts. Like I wouldn’t believe for a second that this story is something you care deeply and passionately about. Tell me THAT story next time. This week would be a great opportunity. Dreamingofroses So I liked this, and once I figured out what the narrator was up to I liked it a whole lot more. Pretty cool concept and interpretation of the prompt and flash rule. The only thing that was missing for me was more of a moment of self awareness or something...but your character didn’t really approach that. So I was left feeling like I got this cool glimpse into someone’s life, but there wasn’t terribly much in the way of character development. Quidnose Ugh Quidnose. You already know the fatal flaw in this. Had you somehow made it more like, absurd or magical realist or something, you could’ve slipped in and probably been upper-middle of the pack. The story itself was pretty amusing and well written, but obviously the speculative elements DQed you. God Over Djinn So I really liked this. I personally didn’t have a problem with the chronology; I like the hook in the beginning. You’ve got this old lady who is a “burden” to her family, but then suddenly she’s lighter than air. And I want to know why, and how. I found the inclusion of your element elegant and multi-layered. The tone of the story admittedly resonates with me for hard-to-articulate reasons that boil down to personal preference, but really, I felt like this was the most graceful interpretation of the elements this week. Jagermonster So, the more I read this, the more I like it, but it didn’t quite register with me the first time through. For some reason I just didn’t connect the eggs with the whole “humans claim the land by using it” thing. I guess it fits in with sulphur because sulphur smells like gross eggs, but I was left kinda of going “huh?” at the end. But I think I get what you were going for now. I guess I’m just not sure what effect the eggs actually had; the volcano is erupting at the end, yes? So I wasn’t anymore certain of this tribe’s fate at the end than I was at the beginning, so I have to take Budi’s word for it at the end that this is a victory. Benny the Snake Benny, Benny, Benny. I hope you come back. You weren’t even the DM this week! But this was kind of a weak entry. I think you spent too much time on the beginning and didn’t really know where you were going with this, which forced you to write a really abrupt ending. I mean, at least it does end. But other than oracles having silver eyes, I’m not really feeling the element silver. Generally when I see lines in stories that are like “little did I know, things were about to change….” or “I still remember to this day…”, I know it’s a bad story. Another issue is that we don’t ever get to SEE your character trying to avoid his fate. It’s just, he gets his fate told, and then he kills his family. Tyrannosaurus You intrigue me, ‘Saurus. You already know you’ll never live down the piss guitar, but you’re actually coming into your own quite well here in the ‘dome. That said, I thought this week’s offering was a little too fluffy for my taste. Yes it does hit all the right emotional spots, and your inclusion of your element was good, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve read this story before, and already knew what was going to happen as soon as it began. That said, I think you did an ok job of going through the loyal dog trope, and E/N likes your story so what now? Upper middle of the pack. Keep improving! Fumblemouse Admittedly, I really enjoyed this on the first readthrough. Getting down to brass tacks, I really wanted to have more of a sense of what the consequences of the evening were going to be. I wanted Emily to have more than a bit role as WIFE #2. Otherwise, your dialog was tight; I’m getting really partial to the writing voice of you southern hemisphere English speakers. Maybe it’s all the ‘mate’ this, ‘mate’ that. This had the ring of a 'Mojo piece, in that it had a good eye for detail and characterization, except for Emily. One of my picks this week. Noah So, your description was pretty great, but there was so much of it that I kind of got lost in all the pretty shapes and colors. I’m not sure why, looking over it, you’re writing is pretty serviceable and clear. I guess it’s because I never got the sense of what this fantastical cave and weird Core are for, beyond putting hapless adventurers in peril. The very ending lines were kind of weak; “waiting for inevitability” is such a general sentiment that doesn’t really close up your story. Otherwise not bad, you’re just a couple inches left of the mark. Nettle Soup While this was one of the approaches to the prompt that I liked, I was left scratching my head about a few things. Why was this lady so fixated on the golden rose? I liked the logic of the blood feeding it, and there was a nice metaphor in there somewhere about our fixation on gold, but it didn’t shine through like I would’ve preferred. I’m not really sure why she became the tree at the end. This had the makings of a King Midas sort of cautionary tale, but the logic didn’t quite work to make me accept your premise. Also, why didn’t it occur to Erik to like, sell this thing? Martello I mean, yeah, the writing is solid. But after reading so many of your stories, we can safely put this one into the Martello.txt file. You have a lot of interesting life experiences, and insight but you bury them under lingo that makes my eyes glaze over. Of course, write what you want to write about, but it’s hard for me to dredge up new things to say about the war is pointless trope. Am I being mean? I don’t know. I just know that you’re a better writer with more versatility than you show in TD a lot of the time, and it leaves me at a loss for new things to say. Jeep Okay, the first paragraph could’ve been cut, or at least trimmed down. But this was a story, where a character wants something, does/doesn’t get it, and then changes as a result! So structurally, good job. I liked the inclusion of your element also. In a weaker week, this may have got an HM, but as it is, pretty good job. I think it was just that first big block of description that failed to pull me in effectively. WeLandedOnTheMoon! Well enough written. I guess I just didn’t really get Joe’s motivation, was the thing that kept it from getting a nod from this judge. There wasn’t enough motivation for him to basically risk ambushing the narrator and assaulting his girlfriend. I guess the fact that he and narrator discovered the shack together? But I don’t recall getting a sense of why these guys hate each other so much. I did like the parallels with the crack of the bat, when you describe Joe in the beginning and then near the end when Claire whacked him over the head. Schneider Heim I wasn’t so much a fan of this one. I’m not entirely sure how your element played in, and the premise was kind of a stretch. For one thing, what’re they going to do about a drummer? Why would an amateur cover band get paid? Why would the venue double their pay? Why would any of this work out in any way other than “sorry guys, you don’t get to play or get paid”? I don’t know. The whole premise just didn’t sit with me, and I had trouble finding the prompt element. CurlingIron This was good. It was neat, it was tidy. The protagonist was likeable, and the plot was solid. I guess I just saw the ending coming from the beginning, so that’s what kept me from feeling this 100%. I don’t actually have much to crit other than that though, so good on you! Docbeard This was charming to me in ways that I find hard to articulate. You’ve definitely been improving here in the dome, though. It did get a little rambly in places, but I was able to work with it because the narrator seemed like the rambling type. I did like his interjections about his thrift store, and how that tied in to him coming into possession of the quilt. Your element didn’t play THAT big of a role, and I can’t say that I am 100% sure that I got your whole premise, but you did an okay play on the whole “devil at the crossroads” thing. I liked that Pete didn’t take the deal, though. I don’t know, this wasn’t the best by a long shot, but you’ve got a kind of charm, Docbeard. Keep it up. No Longer Flakey This is one of those stories that feel kind of throw away to me. I don’t really care about anyone or what they’re doing or why. Nothing has changed by the end of the story; Chad is still a total rube, and the narrator hasn’t really DONE anything. The writing is clear enough, but the premise is just…..eh. Come on guys, the prompt is just a starting point to narrow INFINITE POSSIBILITIES down to slightly-less-than-infinite possibilities. So this story just…..doesn’t do it for me. Paladinus Sooooooo much pontificating at the beginning. And then your character looks at a ring, and at the end of the story she still has doubt. Only maybe she is reaffirmed in her doubt? I don’t know. The tone in this was overwrought and dry, and there was too much rumination.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 01:44 |
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I'm in.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 01:57 |
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Some crits.Lake Jucas posted:American Werewolf in America
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 02:53 |
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I'd appreciate being flashed.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 03:42 |
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WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:I'd appreciate being flashed. Oh wouldn't you just. Flash rule, thanks to Djeser: Your protagonist is holding an object, and cannot put it down for the duration of the story.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 03:47 |
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I'd like a flash rule too actually. This could be a horrifically bad idea!
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 03:55 |
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Whalley posted:I'd like a flash rule too actually. This could be a horrifically bad idea! Flash rule: something valuable gets destroyed. My husband told me to give you 'has to be Transformers-themed'. Be grateful.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 04:03 |
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Uh I have the perfect thing for that actually, and it's something I've talked to quite a few people about in the past~
Wungus fucked around with this message at 05:34 on Feb 12, 2014 |
# ? Feb 12, 2014 04:45 |
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Whalley posted:Uh I have the perfect thing for that actually, and it's something I've talked to quite a few people about in the past~ Surprise flash rule: story cannot be depressing.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 05:48 |
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sebmojo posted:Surprise flash rule: story cannot be depressing. PROMPTPOST posted:Nota bene: If your story contains one whiff of whiny woe-is-me bullshit, I will give you something to be sad about. You have been warned.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 05:52 |
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You're welcome to write depressing if you can do it without being mopey, maudlin, first-worldy, angsty, pathetic, or dull. If it makes me cry, more power to ya, that means you made me care about your story which is a good start. If it belongs in e/n, judgment will not be kind. E: 'you' means everyone but Whalley.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 06:35 |
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sebmojo posted:Surprise flash rule: story cannot be depressing. Then I'm going to make something normally a depressing thing be a dang strength and you can't stop me
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 06:37 |
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In.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 07:21 |
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In, since I actually have it written up already, so it's purely an exercise in tightening prose. Now I just need to see if I can retrieve the old Gmail account I used for the now-defunct mailing list that I typed it up for. There's just the tiny issue that the password retrieval email for that account is my old primary Gmail account, which I sold to a social network millionaire with the same name as me. Fortunately, he's been pretty cooperative about forwarding any errant emails so far, so this shouldn't be too much trouble. . But man, I can probably write it from memory. That night had everything: a mugging, a drunken car crash, a concerned middle-aged gay couple, a weird stoned neighbour, frightened foreign exchange students, an imagined burglary, a real burglary, three or four brushes with the police, and a beautiful sunrise over the Boland Mountains.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 08:16 |
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I'm thinking about entering this week, but I'm going to be moving to another country/exploring steamy jungles next week and probably unable to judge if I win. Can I like, take the crown but defer the judging onto somebody else or would that be a super lovely thing to do?
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 08:49 |
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:I'm thinking about entering this week, but I'm going to be moving to another country/exploring steamy jungles next week and probably unable to judge if I win. Can I like, take the crown but defer the judging onto somebody else or would that be a super lovely thing to do? Yes
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 09:14 |
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Excellent. If I win, Sitting Here, I name thee Judge Regent. I will send you the prompt upon my victory. IN.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 09:16 |
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So apparently everyone in IRC got apocalypsed and me and Rhino are the chosen ones.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 10:04 |
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sebmojo posted:Some crits. You missed one, old fellow. Lake Jucas posted:“Dan, are you down here? I heard – Oh my God!” Jess's cries where downed out by THE hoard HOLY gently caress THAT'S THE OTHER KIND OF HOARD, YOU MEAN HORDE YOU GRADE-SCHOOL WORD CONFUSION MOTHERFUCKER of high schoolers singing along to Miley Cyrus's “Wrecking Ball.” Well, two actually.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 11:57 |
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One crit, on request.quote:Jay O - Salvage This story is suffering from anecdote syndrome. It's like you have this extremely accurate image of a series of things that happened, and are going to describe them to the reader so precisely that there's no room left for doubt. But then you haven't considered what you're trying to communicate. Ask yourself: what is this story about? If the answer is 'a guy gathering some figurines during a monsoon', blah. If the answer is something else, then get rid of the tedious descriptivewords and put that 'something else' into the story, instead of making me peer around the edges for it.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 18:10 |
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Before better judgment sets in: in. And, before better judgment really sets in, self-flash rule , it will be entitled Sodom Has No Pause Button.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 19:13 |
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Little Mac posted:Room to Breathe Blah title Element: Oxygen, 1132 words
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 22:30 |
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Djinn and Flakey, just about Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 23:19 on Feb 12, 2014 |
# ? Feb 12, 2014 22:36 |
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Martello posted:Add handsome in there and you've got me, so I'll do it. martello to the courtesy judgephone
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 23:00 |
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Sitting Here posted:Due date: Thursday, February 13th at 11:59:59 PM, PST Sitting Here posted:Djinn and Flakey, just about
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 23:09 |
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gosh I guess I was just over excited to read your writing my bad
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 23:18 |
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I have to work tonight and tomorrow, getting this in on time is gonna be a close thing.
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# ? Feb 12, 2014 23:20 |
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I think I need a flash rule also. Thanks in advance.
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# ? Feb 13, 2014 02:38 |
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# ? Dec 4, 2024 01:51 |
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Sparrow posted:I think I need a flash rule also. Thanks in advance. FLASH RULE Ghengis Khan did amazing things. I'm sure you have, too. Compare yourself to the great Mongol leader.
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# ? Feb 13, 2014 02:56 |