Thunderdome 2014teen: Stories from the Abonend Bunker

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Kaishai: Nov 3, 2010; Scoffing at modernity.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Alas, the sting of defeat. All men must face it: I know that more than most.

This week, I have crossed oceans. I have outran the fire of god itself, and after such a feat, no mere 'domer can stand in my way. ErogenousBeef may have his victory, but it has only made me stronger. I must carry on, scarred though I am. There is one last fight that was promised, and I will not back down now.

Kaishai, you owe me a brawl.

Come and fight me, if you dare.

'Have outran,' Muffin? Have outran?

I fear no confection that has not mastered the past participle. I call Dr. Kloctopussy to the top of this pagoda of blood as judge and witness, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great. Mine shall be the butter knife that spreads defeat across thy scars, forever.

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 07:56 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 07:43

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# ? Dec 4, 2024 00:46

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

Kaishai posted:

'Have outran,' Muffin? Have outran?

I fear no confection that has not mastered the past participle. I call Doctor Kloctopussy to the top of this pagoda of blood as judge and witness, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great. Mine shall be the butter knife that spreads defeat across thy scars, forever.

Hah! A doctor will not be enough to heal the wounds I'll put in your ego, even one with eight arms. This is your Waterloo. You can't escape if you wanted to. Waterloo. Whoa whoa whoa whoa Waterloo.

Yeah, DocK suits.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 07:54

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Kaishai posted:

'Have outran,' Muffin? Have outran?

I fear no confection that has not mastered the past participle. I call Doctor Kloctopussy to the top of this pagoda of blood as judge and witness, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great. Mine shall be the butter knife that spreads defeat across thy scars, forever.

Lo, I have been summoned, and I have responded to said summons and do thusly respond, as follows:

You've written baroque, but I've had enough of it. Instead give me a story written clearly, concisely, verging on sparse, even. Not like that sentence.

In the spirit of eliminating the extraneous, this theme shall be your just desserts.

Deserts.

Interpret as broadly as you like, but please don't write a prose poem describing sand.

Upper Word Limit: 1000 words. MAKE EVERY ONE COUNT OR ELSE.

Due Date: Monday, Feb. 24, 2014, Midnight PST.

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at 07:58 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 07:55

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

Great, this poo poo happens while I'm abroad on business. (No, I didn't wake up with a Mexican wrestler's mask on today, thanks for asking.) Time to name a Prompt Viceroy:

Chairchucker posted:

Also you will do those things if you ever enter a week I judge.

So it was written, so shall it be done. Free Chairchucker! Post a prompt, dude. We shall jointly tear these unweaned infants more new holes than a Bakken oilfield.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 09:39

Chairchucker: Nov 14, 2006; to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022

Woop woop! I get to inflict a prompt on y'all!

Chairchucker's LEGO prompt about LEGO for people who like LEGO which is about LEGO [Editor's note: maybe work on the title]

Do you like LEGO? I like LEGO. If you don't like LEGO, I'm sorry to hear that you are a horrible person with no redeeming features and/or soul. But you can still join this week, whatevs.

Prompt is as follows:

Pick a LEGO set. You can find them here: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Sets And probably some other places, whatevs. And there's probably easier ways to find the cool ones, that site's annoying to navigate sometimes, whatevs figure it out. Has to be a real set though, no custom shenanigans, even though the custom LEGO PS:T set is pretty dope. Don't have to announce it when you sign up, that's cool. Now that you've got your set, congratulation you've just selected all of your characters and the scene(s) in which your story will take place.

FOR EXAMPLE

If I was, hypothetically, to choose this LEGO Star Destroyer set here: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/6211_Imperial_Star_Destroyer (Selected because I actually own it and it is rad) I would be obliged to write a story set in or on or around a Star Destroyer, and the characters would be Darth Vader and some other random guys. Also I'd get disqualified because there's no Fanfic allowed. Did I mention that? I'm mentioning it now. Still no Fanfic. So if you're particularly drawn to one of the licensed sets, better find a convincing reason that your protagonist looks like an upright turtle but is in no way teenage, mutated or a ninja. And fancy dress is banned. NO FANCY DRESS PARTIES OR SIMILAR DODGES.

When you post your story, post a picture or link or something to your set also. Possible bonus points if you take pictures of the LEGO inhabitants of your set acting out the story or a pivotal scene thereof.

DO NOT SUBMIT YOUR STORY BEFORE THE SIGN UP DEADLINE BECAUSE AFTER SIGNUPS CLOSE I AM POSSIBLY GOING TO DOLE OUT FLASH RULES.

So, summary:

Write about whatever the heck you want but your setting and characters are from a LEGO set;
Word Limit: 750;
No sex or swearing or torture or similarly unLEGO things. Cartoon violence permitted.
Sign ups close: Friday, Feb 21, 2359 USA Eastern or whenever on Saturday my time I decide to SHUT IT DOWN AND HAND OUT FLASH RULES
So many flash rules.
SUBMISSIONS OPEN: After I have handed out flash rules.
SUBMISSIONS CLOSE: Sunday, Feb 23, 2359 USA Eastern but maybe a bit of flex as I'll be coming home from work and stuff on Monday before I get to it, we'll see what happens but don't entrust yourself to my capricious whims.

JUDGES: Me, Beef (that was you volunteering right?) and a third person I have in mind should they submit to my nagging.

GO GO GO SIGN UP (or not whatevs)

Chairchucker fucked around with this message at 11:06 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 10:58

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

And, pursuant to the above:

Your Judges
Myself
The Chucker of Chairs
Mercedes :whatup:

Children Shaking Packages On Christmas Morning and Listening For Little Plastic Bricks to Tinkle Against One Another
And their toy flash-rules.

Surreptitious Muffin - Story based on Robert Fortune's journeys to China, India and Japan.

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi - Dreamcatchers are an important detail. No waking-up or it-was-all-a-dream copouts. Plural penalty: Wordcount is now 400.

Djeser - Story set in a Midwestern Megachurch. Caring :toxx:

as judged by Sebmojo.

Paladinus - Guevaran revolutionaries. May not be set in Latin America.

Meinberg - A journey into the heart of darkness.

WeLandedOnTheMoon! - The Mercury Seven. Story may not take place in space or be a recognizable ripoff of either The Right Stuff or From The Earth To the Moon.

Joda - Inciting incident involves being hit in the face with a jellyfish. Story is set in Nebraska.

Black Griffon :toxx:

- A character undergoes a major change due to small change (i.e. coins). No homeless folks or begging.

Systran - Strong island iced tea. No bros.

QuoProQuid - The Tower of Babel. Genre requirement: Hard-boiled noir fiction.

Whalley - Story begins OR ends in the Queen Wilhemina Tulip Garden. This must be important.

Starter Wiggin - Ski jumping, or ski jumpers. Incorporate.

Little Mac - There is darkness in the deep. Interpret and incorporate.

Lake Jucas - In addition to your chosen Lego set, incorporate Earth Defense HQ into your story. Yes, you�re working with two sets. Your other set may not be from the Alien Conquest series.

Techno Remix - Pachelbel�s Canon in D is important to your story somehow.

Ursine Asylum - Bees. Story must include bees. No wicker man fanfiction.

Crab Destroyer - Redemption of a debt. No money involved.

Noah - Growing pains. Interpret however you like.

Anathema Device - A character is destined for/achieves/has achieved greatness, thanks to clerical error.

Jeep - Your story takes place at high speed, high altitude, or both.

Curlingiron - Marxism-Leninism. No political manifestoes. Plural penalty: Wordcount is now 400.

Baudolino - Main character is, was, or will be a lumberjack. No Monty Python references.

Sitting Here - Story begins or ends with a stampede. Somehow, rabbits are involved.

Ugly In The Morning - A roller coaster is important to your story. Alternate option: your story must be akin to a roller coaster: a ride of thrills and chills with ups and downs! Do not declare which one of these you�re using.

Benny the Snake - Story involves trains. I don�t care how.

Fanky Malloons - Equal-opportunity witchcraft.

Quidnose - Incorporate bare-knuckle boxing. No fight scenes.

Sebmojo - What would a pizza delivery service run by Maori warriors look like?

Jonked - A briefcase of mistaken identity.

Jay O - A forensic examination is important to your plot.

Entenzahn - Story hinges on a minor thing that spirals/has spiraled out of control. Think �For Want Of A Nail�.

Fumblemouse - Thor does not use credit cards.

Tyrannosaurus - Incorporate Johnny Thunder into your story. This means you get TWO lego sets - whatever you choose must be combined with the one I�ve linked. You may not choose another Dino-themed Lego set.

Eastdrom - A friendship which has long grown stale.

The Great Moo - A valiant struggle against an intractable problem.

The News at 5 - Story opens with a betrayal. No violence, no inter-character arguments.

Barracuda Bang! - Pretend that a magic dragon has been added to your Lego set. If your choice of Lego sets already contains a dragon, then there are now two dragons, and at least one must be magical.

Junipercake - Baked goods are an important detail in your story.

Steriletom - Your story takes place during the Mexican-American War, but need not be set in North America.

Elfdude- A shady business transaction either precipitates or is the inciting event in your story.

Arkane - The seizure of breakfast food plays a significant role in your story.

V for Vegas - Either your protagonist or antagonist lives in the sea. Not both.

docbeard :toxx:

- Your story includes an enchanted leather sofa. Further details are up to you; no infodumps.

cache cab - Your story involves the Monaco Grand Prix.

Erogenous Beef fucked around with this message at 14:01 on Feb 22, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 11:05

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi: Mar 26, 2005

Legos were the lifeblood of my childhood so I'd be remiss to not be totes in for this

# ? Feb 18, 2014 11:11

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

I am in for this.

And, as promised, I am :toxx:

ed for this week. However, I am not toxxed for submitting. My past two TD entries have shown that this is not enough. I have been writing bullshit I would not have posted if this wasn't Thunderdome, and that's not the way things should be.

This week, I am toxxed for caring. I have to care sufficiently about my submission, with sebmojo as the judge of whether I gave a poo poo or not.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 11:51

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; Ask and ye shall receive.

Definitely in.

Also, since I've already received a lot of mixed feedback and foolishly think I've learned something from it, I'd really love to see a full-fledged crit this time around. Please? Anyone?

# ? Feb 18, 2014 11:58

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

In. Self Restriction: I will be writing about my very favourite lego set from my youth. A few goons know which that is, and can call me out if I change my mind.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 12:07

Meinberg: Oct 9, 2011; inspired by but legally distinct from CATS (2019)

gently caress it, I'm in.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 12:41

No Longer Flaky: Nov 16, 2013; by Lowtax

I'm not an expert at writing, but here are my thoughts as a reader.

Paladinus posted:

A Cautionary Tale.
(1030 words)

There are not that many things that I still can remember from my childhood. They are mostly just little scenes with no context at all, more like emotions than factual memories. This second sentence seems oddly worded. I don't know what it is about it, but it just seems clunky Many of them are mundane and common,I think that you could start this sentence out with "Like eating skittles" rather than starting with "many of them". It's more succinct. like eating skittles while watching Tom and Jerry or fighting with my older brother over a basketball in the kitchen. That type of thing.Omit this sentence Some of them are slightly more important, and some have probably shaped who I am now: Dad telling Mum he�s leaving us while I assemble a Lego robot; walking [in] on my brother watching porn... Among those memories there�s one story that I keep coming back to.

Back in elementary school we had economy running on stickers. Shiny ones were worth twice the price of regular ones, the ones based on Terminator 2 were even more expensive, etc., and people would rarely actually put stickers on anything, hoarding them instead to gain prestige and use them as means of exchange with other pupils. This is a long sentence and I have a problem with you using etc. in the middle there. And so on, would be better in my opinion.

I had two best mates at the time. Both of them were raised by single mothers also? I know you said above that your father walked out on your mother, but at this point in the story we aren't aware of the timeline, so it's not apparent that your mother is a single mother, so we had that in common. One of them, Matt, had his father living in the US, so he�d always have the best toys and by my hometown�s standards his family was pretty much upper class. Vic, on the other hand, lived in a poor working class environment and with his father gone things didn�t get any better. I was somewhere in the middle, I guess. But despite our class differences, both real-life and as a consequence stickers-based, money, clothes or toys were never an issue between us. We�d always share and gladly help each other out with whatever we had. Until one day someone�s stolen all Matthew�s stickers, that is. "Someone's stolen all matthews stickers," is a weird shift. I think it should be "someone had stolen all of Matthew's stickers."

As a child who was allowed to watch Twin Peaks and Columbo late at night by my mother struggling with the divorce, I took it upon myself to catch the thief. This is a weirdly worded sentence, I think it would be better off if you left off the "by my mother struggling with the divorce." The details of my investigation are a bit murky on me now, but after asking people around I deduced that the only person who could possibly know where Matthew kept his stickers was Victor.The fact you don't remember the exact details are superfluous, just start with figuring out about Victor. ~~Obviously, I didn�t have any real evidence against him.~~ No one saw him taking stickers from Matt�s locker or buying anything with those stickers, but he began slowly gaining more and more new stickers, which I assumed he�d obtained from someone from another school in exchange for stolen ones.

Instead of letting it go like Matt, I wanted to know the truth no matter what. My mum wasn�t religious and our RE wasn�t up to snuff, so my version of Christianity was primarily based on Super Book and how video games handled holy and magic objects in fantasy settings.What is an RE? If this is an abbreviation just know that a reader isn't going to know what the abbreviation stands for unless you tell them. For that reason I brought a Bible in school. When Victor and I were staying late at the homework club I asked the teacher, �Is that right that people swear on the Bible in court?� and produced the Book from my rucksack.

The teacher knew about the stickers and probably saw where I was going with it. �Yes, that�s right,� she answered.

�And that�s because if someone lies after swearing on the Bible, they go to hell,� I said to Vic and put the Bible in front of him. �Do you swear on the Holy Bible that you didn�t take Matt�s stickers?�

Victor was hesitant for a moment. Maybe he was shaken by my promises of hell to liars or just couldn�t believe that his best friend would suspect him in treachery, I don�t know. The teacher decided not to intervene for some reason, too.

�I swear,� he whispered.

�Oh no, that won�t do. You have to put your left hand on the Book and say it out loud.� At this point I was savouring my power, it was pure humiliation for Vic and I wouldn�t have stopped until everything went my way.

Victor put his hand on the Bible and firmly recited, �I swear on the Holy Bible that I didn�t take Matthew�s stickers�.

�That�s alright then.� I shoved the Bible back into my backpack and went home. Didn�t even tell him I was sorry or anything. Ok, then.

After that everything was back to normal. We were going through puberty together. Talking about girls, trying to prove ourselves to older lads with bad reputation, being disrespectful toward adults� You know, the usual puberty stuff. So this didn't change anything in your relationship with victor? What was the point of it then? At this point I am disheartened in your story. I am asking myself what is the point of it all? Why did I just read all of that?

Five years after the stickers incident Matthew�s mum sent him to a summer camp. While he was out of town, she hired me and Victor to walk the dog.
�I�ll walk Felix by myself today, if you that�s okay with you. I need to visit my grandma, anyway, so I figured you�d want to miss on that one. Plus I�d really go for some extra cash right now.� Victor called me early in the morning and since I had my Birthday coming up in a month or so, I didn�t mind him going alone that day. It's hard to figure out who is talking at the beginning of this dialogue. I was confused and thought it was the main character talking not victor.

In a week Matthew�s house was robbed. It didn�t take much time for the police to find out that Victor was involved, because the lock on the door has been opened with a key. Matthew was back home and convinced Vic to cooperate. Turned out, those older guys we always tried to impress have talked Victor into nicking the front door keys when he was picking up the dog. You didn't mention the older guys you tried to impress earlier in the story (that I remember) so it's weird to see them mentioned here.
Our friendship with Victor was over and even though Matthew and I stayed friends for some time after that, we ~~had~~ slowly drifted apart as we went to different schools.
For years I used this story to reinforce my then-current worldview. I went through periods of atheism and faith, conservatism and libertarianism, nihilism and na�ve obedience to authority, and always thought of this story as a cautionary tale, blaming myself, class inequality, God for what�s happened and thanking all of the above afterwards, but at some point it had just stopped working. I no longer see it as a sign from heavens and I don�t see myself as a protagonist of this story, who�s got to set things right or learn the lesson. And I can only hope this has made me a better person somehow.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 12:50

Jeza: Feb 13, 2011; The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.

I will give a proper line-by-line to someone who wants one, over in the Fiction Farm thread though so it doesn't clutter here.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 12:57

a new study bible!: Feb 1, 2009; BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly

I am in.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:00

Joda: Apr 24, 2010; When I'm off, I just like to really let go and have fun, y'know?; Fun Shoe

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:06

Black Griffon: Mar 12, 2005; Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time.

I know who you are. You are destiny.

Hahaha, you weirdo. In. :toxx:

And this is easier to navigate: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_themes

Black Griffon fucked around with this message at 13:20 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:15

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

Also if you're gonna slam flash rules on us later, can I just get for mine now so it's out of the way? I've got a bit of spare time tonight and I want to start writing asap.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:39

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Also if you're gonna slam flash rules on us later, can I just get for mine now so it's out of the way? I've got a bit of spare time tonight and I want to start writing asap.

You were impatient in IRC and didn't want to wait for me to think up one carefully, so you get this:

:siren:

Your story must be inspired by, or based upon, Robert Fortune's botanical journeys to China, India and Japan in the mid-19th Century :siren:

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:51

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; Ask and ye shall receive.

No Longer Flaky posted:

I'm not an expert at writing, but here are my thoughts as a reader.

I meant this week's submission on Lego, but cheers anyway. I wouldn't mind another crit from you. Just saying.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:52

No Longer Flaky: Nov 16, 2013; by Lowtax

Paladinus posted:

I meant this week's submission on Lego, but cheers anyway. I wouldn't mind another crit from you. Just saying.

Okie dokie. I gotcha this week as well.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:53

angel opportunity: Sep 7, 2004; Total Eclipse of the Heart

I want my flashrule now also, since I usually start writing early. Also I'm not going to call "in" until right near the deadline since I am apparently awful at submitting on time.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:54

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

systran posted:

I want my flashrule now also, since I usually start writing early. Also I'm not going to call "in" until right near the deadline since I am apparently awful at submitting on time.

No flashrules for shrinking violets. Either you're in and get a rule, or you're not in and will forever wonder what gift you'd've received.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 13:57

angel opportunity: Sep 7, 2004; Total Eclipse of the Heart

In then, I guess

This is my set:

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 14:02

QuoProQuid: Jan 12, 2012; Tr*ckin' and F*ckin' all the way to tha
T O P

I'm in.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 14:18

Wungus: Mar 5, 2004

I'm in. This time, I'm even gunna write a whole story too, with a beginning, a middle and an end.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 14:37

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

Right, I've got time before my next flight, here's round 1 of Flashrulemageddon:

:siren:

LOOK BELOW FOR YOUR FLASH RULES, FOOLS :siren:

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi - Dreamcatchers are an important detail. No waking-up or it-was-all-a-dream copouts.

Djeser - Story set in a Midwestern Megachurch.

Paladinus - Guevaran revolutionaries. May not be set in Latin America.

Meinberg - A journey into the heart of darkness.

WeLandedOnTheMoon! - The Mercury Seven. Story may not take place in space or be a recognizable ripoff of either The Right Stuff or From The Earth To the Moon.

Joda - Inciting incident involves being hit in the face with a jellyfish. Story is set in Nebraska.

Black Griffon - A character undergoes a major change due to small change (i.e. coins). No homeless folks or begging.

Systran - Strong island iced tea. No bros.

QuoProQuid - The Tower of Babel. Genre requirement: Hard-boiled noir fiction.

Whalley - Story begins OR ends in the Queen Wilhemina Tulip Garden. This must be important.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 14:54

Starter Wiggin: Feb 1, 2009; Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?

In for LEGO week.

E; might as well be flashed.

Starter Wiggin fucked around with this message at 20:35 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 15:05

Cartridgeblowers: Jan 3, 2006; Super Mario Bros 3

# ? Feb 18, 2014 15:07

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi: Mar 26, 2005

Because I don't already hate myself enough, I've decided that rather than laboriously browsing through Lego sets and picking one, I'll just let "Random Page" decide.

My story will thus revolve around item 70505: Temple of Light, which is your typical dojo but also involves flaming swords and mechs? What?

Can't wait for my flash rule to spice this poo poo up.

edit; hahah murder me now

Erogenous Beef posted:

Right, I've got time before my next flight, here's round 1 of Flashrulemageddon:

LOOK BELOW FOR YOUR FLASH RULES, FOOLS

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi - Dreamcatchers are an important detail. No waking-up or it-was-all-a-dream copouts.

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi fucked around with this message at 15:25 on Feb 18, 2014

# ? Feb 18, 2014 15:09

Lake Jucas: Feb 20, 2011; WHAT OF OUR BARGAIN?

In, and I want my goddamned flash rule now. The last time I waited until the last minute to write I created a piece about werewolf skateboarders. Do you really want more werewolf skateboarders? I thought not.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 15:10

Techno Remix: Feb 13, 2012

You know what? My writing is poo poo and I'll probably end up with an avatar advertising how much of a loser I am, but gently caress it.

I'm in.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 15:46

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

Lake Jucas posted:

Do you really want more werewolf skateboarders?

I do. Make them skateboard though.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:21

Alliterate Addict: Jul 10, 2012; dreaming of that face again

it's bright and blue and shimmering

grinning wide and comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes

I will live to regret this. In, and flash rule me.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:38

Crab Destroyer: Sep 3, 2011

I'm In on the LEGO Prompt.

Loser Brawl: Crab Destroyer vs Mister Morn

Temujin's Mercy - 265 Words

My brother told me the massacre of the Mongol caravan was a mistake. He said Otrar was doomed and suggested that we flee west. I couldn�t follow him. My duty to Allah, peace be upon him, and the Khwarazmian dynasty was too important. Khoresmshakh Mohammad II knew the Mongols were preparing for an invasion with their caravan of spies and was acting accordingly. Mohammad proved his military acumen with his expansion of the empire, and had the wisdom to be wary of the Mongols. Otrar is where the Khan�s merchant caravan was intercepted, and it was here that his diplomatic envoy was executed by the governor. The Khoresmshakh must have known that if the Mongols would strike it would be here. Yet we were not ready for their invasion.

Otrar now lies in ruins. Mongol soldiers have massacred most of the townspeople and are now corralling the survivors to be used as slaves. All the Khwarazmian soldiers who remain are surrendering. The Mongols are watching us intently; once the Khan decides what to do with us the looting can begin proper. I am surprised to see Genghis Khan in the flesh instead of one of his generals. He addresses us through an interpreter that speaks Turkish.

�It is wise of you to surrender. The Khoresmshakh will regret his rejection of my trade offer, but you do not have to die for his mistake. You have proven yourselves worthy of a place in my armies. Will you join me? Or will you die?�

The answer is obvious. Allahu Akbar and praise be unto the Mongolian Empire.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:40

Lake Jucas: Feb 20, 2011; WHAT OF OUR BARGAIN?

Martello posted:

I do. Make them skateboard though.

If the judges deem that my flash rule then so be it.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:41

Noah: May 31, 2011; Come at me baby bitch

In.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:44

Rat Patrol: Feb 15, 2008; kill kill kill kill
kill me now

Just wanted to thank God over Djinn for putting in the effort and giving constructive crits: I personally found mine pretty enlightening.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:49

a new study bible!: Feb 1, 2009; BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly

Is it bad form to ask for a point of clarification? Should these Lego stories be devoid of any humans, or are Toy Story scenarios acceptable as well? Is this open to interpretation? I only ask because I haven't seen the Lego movie yet.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 16:54

Fanky Malloons: Aug 21, 2010; Is your social worker inside that horse?

Apology accepted, you butthole.

Arkane posted:

Kisscapades
1299 words

I had just learned to drive. My instructor, three times my age and then some, ~~became~~ I hate the use of 'became' and 'seemed', just commit to the action already. intent on teaching me to drive near practice fields and schools. There he would consult me on the ratings of ~~females of dubious ages~~ Females? Female dogs? Female birds? You're trying too hard. 'Schoolgirls' would have been fine, and saved you a couple of words. He would say things like �Nah, look at that rear end. She�s an 8 for sure� ~~of someone wearing a backpack featuring the Powerpuff Girls~~You missed a great opportunity here - does he mean 8 out of 10, or 8 years old teehee. I often just grunted at his assessments. If he seemed uncertain as to my agreement, the double grunt and nod would mollify him. [He almost certainly teaches people to drive in Thailand now. There or Rikers.] I enjoy this last part, lines like this come off as a little less self-conscious than the rest of the piece overall and generally work really well. That said, you could lose this whole paragraph because you're using it to set up a single line at the end and it doesn't really work right now because you don't carry the theme (of rating things) through, so then it's just a weird non-sequitur when it comes up again at the end.

I was 16 years old, in my car, and on my way to my first date with a girl named Casey. It�s You almost get away with this tense switch, but I still find it problematic - does the narrator still feel that way about the name Casey, or is this just what he thought at the time? a name that conjures up images of a father who envisioned a linebacker, but had a backup plan in case it Using 'it' to refer to people (even hypothetical ones) is a bit rude, you could say 'in case he got a cheerleader instead' was a cheerleader. One of those neutral, androgynous sounding names that my adult lol 16 =/= adult self couldn�t possibly imagine climaxing around without wondering who was in earshot Uhhh, what? I think I see what you're trying to say but it's pretty unclear, stop trying so hard.. I went over the scripts of potential date topics in my head, and I decided that �Somewhere Over the Rainbow� would be my go-to area if there was ever a lull. We had met during Quiz Bowl: the two of us locking eyes as we both blurted out that answer simultaneously. [It became our inside joke.]I don't think this needs to be its own sentence

You started 3 paragraphs with 'I' - avoid.~~I arrived at Casey�s house, and walked along the weed-infested path to her front door.~~ Casey lived in a working class neighborhood a few miles from the north shore of Long Island. The path to her front door was infested with weeds I knocked on ~~her~~the screen ~~door~~, and waited nervously. Through the haziness of the ~~screen~~ You want to avoid repeating the word 'screen' here - maybe he can lumber down a dim hallway instead?, I could see a man lumbering towards ~~the knocking~~me. He was about my father�s age, but the similarities ~~abruptly~~ ended there. ~~His gait had all of the gracefulness of a ballet of steak knives~~No.. He was completely bald, with a scruffy beard, and a tanktop written in a foreign language. The man looked like the [bouncer to an eillicit cockfight.]Yes. Terror washed over me.

�Hi...Mr. Winslow? I am here to pick up Casey.� ~~My utterances were~~Trying too hard again. I was more mouse than human. [Fievel hitting puberty] I think lines like this and the one about Rikers are probably your own sense of humour coming through, and it works really well for this character so don't be afraid to use it..

�Yes, yes.� I jumped at the ~~loudness~~volume of his voice. �Are you Matt? I�ll call her.� WithIt got louder with each ~~passing~~ word, ~~the noise became more cavernous.~~tryhaaaard �Casey!� �Casey!� [Pounding a gong would have been subtler.] This is good. Are you noticing a pattern yet as to what works and what doesn't?

He opened the screen door, and I shook his hand while he studied me. ~~I could feel myself de-evolving under his gaze. Daughter, Casey. Man, kill me. Find, mommy.~~ I think you could keep some version of this line if you're married to it, but it doesn't really work for me - it seems too off-kilter for the character. The following two lines are great for showing his discomfort on their own. The sound of Casey�s footsteps echoed in the distance for an interminable amount of time. How many flights of stairs were in this house? The silence between us closed in on me. I HAD to say something. ~~Think, drat it!~~ �Somewhere Over the Rainbow� was my only safe spot.

�Do you like...crossbows?� came out of me. I immediately shifted my eyes off of his face to his chest, studying the hodge podge of undecipherable letters desperate for a rescue code. My eyes then moved down to his legs to determine if I could outrun him. I gulped down a golf ball of air.

�Crossbows?~~� �~~You a hunter?� He looked at me with a slight smile, as if I had asked a perfectly normal question. Not only was he clearly a hunter, but ~~that smile implied that~~ he probably knew - down to the second - the waiting period for assault rifles in every place he�s ever lived This is a pretty great line imo. I saw an opening and unslouched my shoulders.

line break �Yes sir, I go out every now and again.� If picking up Easter eggs in my yard counts. �I was in the Boy Scouts for a few years.� ~~I had considered claiming to be a recent discharge of the Marine Corps.~~

�Casey must�ve been talking about me, huh?� The wry smile turned proud. Casey 's voice suddenly chimed in from behind her father~~stood behind him at this point, out of my view.~~

�Dad, don�t be nosey. I�ll be back before dark. Promise.� She ~~came~~stepped into the doorway and placed her hand on my shoulder ~~as if it were~~ ~~the undocking procedure~~ undocking us both (commit to the action, drat you) from her father�s orbit.

�Hi, Matt!� Different speakers

go on different lines �Heya!� We walked out together as I managed to mutter out a goodbye. �Nice to meet you, Mr. Winslow.� I waved to him and made a mental note to buy magazines with names like Ammo Up and Animal Slayer if I ever planned on returning here.lol, perfect

I looked at her and smiled: part relief, part nervousness, all excitement. She was about 5 feet tall with ~~deep~~ long black hair ~~that~~ ~~extended~~ flowing? You're describing a hot girl, you can afford to be a little more flowery here past her ~~spaghetti-strapped~~ shoulders. Her skin had a slightly darker tone, a chance DNA mixture that gave her a permanent spray tan. She had a full figure with an athletic build is this an OKC profile?. ~~There was~~ Casey had an aura of complete confidence ~~surrounding her~~ that intimidated most people, as if each step ~~taken~~she took was on land recently conquered for her. The last line is great, make the rest of your description of Casey more like this. Also learn how to make things like this flow better rather than being a bulleted list of traits "She had this, she had that, she was 21.8% brown" etc

~~When we reached my car, I did a slight jog to open the passenger side door, a ritual that seemed to satisfy some expectation rather than accomplish something that was needed.~~ I jogged ahead of her as we neared the car so that I could open the passenger-side door I ~~began to~~ mentally opined on the usefulness of chivalry while I stood there waiting for her to get in. ~~I studied her hands: ungnarled and functional, as far as I could tell.~~Nope. Perhaps I ~~would~~ needed to evaluate the opening of doors on a case-by-case basis so as not to send the wrong message.

�Oh you are sooooooo nice! Thank you!� She brushed my arm and smiled. It was decided: I need to encounter lots of doors. ~~Door reconnaissance!~~ Is I think 'was' would work better here, just for tense continuity, but you can probably get away with the 'Is' a door store a plausible second date?

~~We had planned out a visit to the beach, and~~We drove to ~~one~~a beach a few miles away. Upon arriving with our blanket in tow, we came to the realization that late-October beach-~~going~~date was a ~~plan~~ doomed ~~to failure~~ from the start. The day was cloudy and the breeze was cold - there was not a sign of life in sight ~~on this cloudy, breezy day.~~ I half expected to hear air raid sirens and see German war planes on the horizon at any moment.

�~~This is~~That looks like a good spot.� Casey pointed at a nondescript area of sand a good distance from my car. I looked out at the water as if to double check her choice. ~~The waves hit the shore with an exasperated �clop, clop�, begging us to be any other place in the ocean except here.~~ Tryhard, trying so hard. A Radiohead cover of �Surfin� USA� ~~began to~~ played in my head, the soundtrack to the bleakness. �Yup, this is a great spot.�

We sat down on our blue blanket. �It�s beautiful out there,� she said, pointing at her approximation of where the sun was last seen.
I made sure she saw me nodding wistfully. �Indeed.� ~~The believability of two toddlers studying a crayon-filled wall and deciding that they had nothing to do with it.~~

�So�� She looked at me with eyes that screamed �now is the time to take out your gum!� even though neither of us was chewing any. The chilly beach faded away as I closed my eyes and leaned in. This was my first kiss outside of a Kindergarten recess area. I began my task, furiously.

�Slow down, champ!� Casey was laughing. ~~I suddenly became cognizant of my kissing method. It was like a woodpecker who hadn�t seen a tree for a month. A rocking chair granny on speed~~. �This is not the Kisscapades. Slow and steady, Matt.� I think this whole paragraph needs some work. Is he not bothered at all by the fact that she is apparently a more experienced kisser? Should she give him more pointers? Is it as excruciatingly awkward as it is in mind? Also, this is literally the only moment where Casey becomes more than a paper cut-out of a character. She's at least as important to the story as you are, so make her an actual character. I blushed, and we started over. We made out there for about 15 minutes, both of us too nervous and naive to do anything but mix in a little tongue. The cold finally got to us, and we returned to the car and drove back.

�That was fun. I would rate today a 9 out of 10!� she assessed as I pulled into her driveway. Reflexively, I checked my three mirrors and made sure my seat belt was fastened. See how you can lose this line and the first paragraph without it having any effect on the actual story at all?

This was actually not a bad effort. You make a couple of common newbie mistakes, particularly with your tendency to edge into awkward over-description. This is a trap that a lot of people fall into when they first start writing, and this round had a number of examples (of which yours was far from the most egregious). You want to make things more interesting and exciting for the reader, but you tend to go for big, fancy words and dramatic similes and metaphors which, while it is definitely interesting in terms of language, it doesn't actually add to the action or do anything for the reader. The thing to remember is that readers appreciate an interesting story, efficiently told. You don't need to prove how good of a writer you are by peppering your piece with 'writerly' phrases that scream "look at me, I'm a writer!". We know you're a writer because you are writing a story. Give your audience, and yourself, the benefit of the doubt, and everyone will have a much better experience of your story. You should be able to see here that the spots where you were less self-conscious and more economical with your phrasing were actually some of my favourite lines in the piece. Stop being such a tryhard and overdressing everything, just say what you want to say (That is free advice for all of you, FYI).

# ? Feb 18, 2014 17:03

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# ? Dec 4, 2024 00:46

Anathema Device: Dec 22, 2009; by Ion Helmet

I'm in. What's my flash rule?

Also I'm bored. I will crit three stories if anyone asks.

# ? Feb 18, 2014 17:21

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