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In. I always swore that my midlife crisis would consist of me collecting every lego set from my youth. I like to think of this as a fun pre-cursor to the existential torture I'm going to feel then.
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Feb 18, 2014 17:24
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In, although I know next to nothing about legos.
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Feb 18, 2014 17:36
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curlingiron posted:In, although I know next to nothing about legos. Lesson 1: they are Lego brand building blocks, not legos. just "Lego" is acceptable.
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Feb 18, 2014 17:39
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Anathema Device posted:I'm in. What's my flash rule? Give my last one a shot?
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Feb 18, 2014 17:54
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Anathema Device posted:I'm in. What's my flash rule? I would be grateful if you could crit my last story, but if you criticise my niece and call her an annoying child I will just nod slowly in mild disappointment.
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Feb 18, 2014 17:54
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I loving hate Lego, which is why I'm stepping up to judge. There better be a god drat story in your poo poo or you'll find an angry Merc is not a fun Merc.
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Feb 18, 2014 17:55
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In
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Feb 18, 2014 18:00
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In please
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Feb 18, 2014 18:03
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In. If I could get my flash rule as soon as possible, that would be great, I'm starting a new job tomorrow so I have no idea what my time situation is gonna be like.Anathema Device posted:I'm in. What's my flash rule? Can you crit mine, please?
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Feb 18, 2014 18:04
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Let's rock
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Feb 18, 2014 18:19
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 important announcement A lot of people ask "can I have somebody look over my story before I submit?" and the answer is GOD YES PLEASE. I'd say a majority of the people who write good stories each week have somebody else look them over. Trading crits is the best way to do this (hey if you look at mine you can show me yours). Good writing doesn't happen in a vacuum, and other people can tell you "hey, this is loving stupid and/or boring, but I liked this part" so you don't have to hear it in the judge's crit post. If you scored mid/bottom tier in GoD's crit post up there (or have not done well in the past) I will give you a free PRE-crit this week. If you are interested: 1. Paste your document into google docs. I don't want no pastebin or whatever. Enable comments. 2. email me your document link at my forums username @gmail.com 3. don't respond to my crit. I'm not interested in having a shitload of conversations and hearing your excuses. i will give you my honest opinion and some advice, and you will choose to listen or ignore it, but you can do that by yourself. 4. email me sometime from now- Friday night. if it's saturday morning or later i may not get to it. my credentials: i can type 60 wpm
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Feb 18, 2014 18:32
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Special crits for special people (nah j/k, don't let your precious lil egos puff up over it): Sitting Here - Ripples SO. I did some thinking about why this didn't grab me by the metaphorical balls like it wanted to, and here's what I came up with. First of all, your narrator is unproblematically good. She mentions certain flaws to us, but they don't really play into the story. What happens in the story is that she is upset over abuse and injustice (rightly so), and does a good thing in response, which is met with some amount of success. Now, your narrator does have interesting traits - for instance, she seems like someone who would fight hard for her friends, but then we don't see her taking any risks to do that. A different story could showcase this better, I think. So: consider what you're trying to convey about the narrator. There just isn't enough of her here, and she's too one-note, too easy. (This is starting to sound like I'm critting your personality, isn't it?) Second, the transition from conversation, to conversation, to long walk through the woods, is a bit of a mess. So you start out by giving us this really tight, telling, intimate depiction of two people. Then you give us another one. Great - you have a keen ear and a knack for dialogue. The first section gave me shivers. But then all of a sudden you want us to expand outwards and care about people walking around in your setting, and the setting itself - and it kind of violates an expectation that's set up by the first part of the story vis a vis how the whole thing is going to read. That's the second thing. The Saddest Rhino - How My Niece Became a School Bully So this is miles better than the pre-edit version you showed me. It has a point now - everybody listen up, because this is the way to write a story where somebody has a trait (that is illustrated through their actions), has a formative experience due to that trait, and then changes. It's no longer overly light and fluffy. Narrative is the strength here. I don't like your title-at-the-end gimmick anymore, although I do like the idea that she became a bully because of her increased confidence. Choose when you use a gimmick like that wisely, or it just becomes cutesy (it has). Make the concept part of the story instead, and allude to it earlier on (maybe that she's timid and fearful in school when the story begins). You've got a couple of errors sprinkled in among the appropriately idiosyncratic English: "We’ve to go in", "jump back to the sea". And some clunky phrasing: "splashed around in frantic strokes". There's also a section where there's just far too much back-and-forth dialogue that largely doesn't move the story forward (starting with "we've to go in?" and ending with "brave girl. Let's go snorkelling.") You could definitely tighten up that section a bit. But overall, I liked this. It has heart. It's just a bit unpolished yet. Fumblemouse - CHiSH sebmojo - Backwash Aww, look at you two. So Fumblemouse wrote a good (albeit straightforward, uncomplicated) story about two teenagers bonding over their mutual love for a woman. I don't like the resolution ('they just decide to get over it and be buddies' might be realistic, but it's boring), but I do like the playfulness of your language and the keen observations that set this story in time. Specifically stuff like this for the former: quote:Dean admitted that, in fact, he had not worshipped CHiSH from afar since the age of ten. and this for the latter: quote:He edged beyond precariously towering piles of paperbacks, trying not step on the underpants of dubious provenance that lay like miniature mines between him and Dean’s desk. Nice writing, Fumblemouse. Now mojo. I couldn't even tell whether this story was a prequel or sequel to Fuumblemouse's before you told me. The first scene, with the eyepatch talk, would be fine as a fluffy piece of scene-setting in a larger work, where we actually knew the people involved. In a story this tiny, it needs to get cut down to a sentence. Really all you've got here are two scenes which, while nice and competently written, feel more like an excerpt from a Kevin Smith movie or something than a story in themselves. I just don't get the context, the point, why this happened at this moment, how the girl reacted, how Dean felt about it, etc. It's well-observed, sure, but a story it ain't. Tsk. crit for systran and line by line for Arkane are imminent.
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Feb 18, 2014 18:35
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In solely for Chairchucker's crits. I will decide my Lego-based theme later though because I have an appointment with a skeleton I have to keep. The Saddest Rhino posted:I would be grateful if you could crit my last story, but if you criticise my niece and call her an annoying child I will just nod slowly in mild disappointment. THE ANNOYING CHILD IS YOOOOUUUUU
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Feb 18, 2014 18:36
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gently caress it, in.
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Feb 18, 2014 18:37
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In.
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Feb 18, 2014 18:48
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Of course I'm in.
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Feb 18, 2014 18:52
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crabrock posted:Great stuff Thanks for the generosity. I'll be sure to take you up on the offer, and I am happy to return the favor.
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Feb 18, 2014 18:56
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Oh good, I get to have "Everything is Awesome!" stuck in my head all day.  In. And flash rule me quick, before I even know it happened.
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Feb 18, 2014 19:25
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Just an FYI there are at least two people who are going to get hit with surprise flash rules for their sins LATER ON.
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Feb 18, 2014 19:52
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In. I'm another big baby that would like its flash rule now. I'll be at work most of the weekend and I'd appreciate the headroom.
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Feb 18, 2014 20:10
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In like my belly button used to be, before this weird, hernia-like thing made it more of a squashed yet bulbous tomato than an asterisk.
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Feb 18, 2014 20:19
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I'm in.
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Feb 18, 2014 20:43
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So it doesn't seem like I'm a crybaby, I'm not in for this week's but I wanted to express thanks for both the general crits I received. I'd ask for a more line by line crit but it really seems like I need to work on an overall style adjustment first.
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Feb 18, 2014 21:32
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My cup is empty. In.
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Feb 18, 2014 22:07
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I'm in. Edit: And I also went with the Random Page thing another goon mentioned, so I'm putting my set link here so I don't lose track of it. http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/Review:10020_Santa_Fe_Super_Chief The Great Moo fucked around with this message at 22:51 on Feb 18, 2014 |
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Feb 18, 2014 22:42
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Palisader posted:So it doesn't seem like I'm a crybaby, I'm not in for this week's but I wanted to express thanks for both the general crits I received. I'd ask for a more line by line crit but it really seems like I need to work on an overall style adjustment first. That's okay, we always welcome new material for the list. P.S. I've taken a look at your story and I'd say style is the least of your worries. I don't usually do this but I guess I'm a big boy now so Palisader posted:The Move I'm giving you a lot of poo poo, but I don't think you're hopeless or even bad. You can craft images. You have a consistent tone (wistful). You have characters, though I've read 900+ words about you and your family and friends and I don't know much about their personalities, safe for maybe Amy. But you make mistakes. A lot of them are typical for novices, like super stuffy prose. Padding is usually a sign of a lack of conficende. You need to watch out for that. Generally it reads like this is your first draft. There's a lot of weird sentences that could do with some rephrasing. Also, I don't know if you could tell from my crit, but there was no story. It was a series of images and info-dumps about your life in Hong Kong. Nothing happened, except that you found a stone Buddha. Here's what you can do: read the first page of The Fiction Writing Advice thread. It covers a lot of the technical mistakes I think you made. Also look at this post from EroBeef and his often quoted plot mantra. Enter again this week. Your story wasn't good, but I think you have potential. Work on it. Nobody expects you to be awesome right off the bat. Go through at least two drafts, edit at least once after that and proofread once more. Submit.
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Feb 18, 2014 23:19
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Palisader I also wrote a crit for you in the Fiction Farm thread, not seeing the one here. Entenzahn and I overlap on a lot of points, which although they are negative, is probably a good thing?
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Feb 18, 2014 23:51
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Black Griffon posted:Bohemians - 960 The best thing about this piece is the dreamy, unreal, very suitable tone. The worst is that it's boring. It reads like a list of events. You set up in the dialogue that this is a contrast for you, but we don't see how that effects you at all. This is a story about you, but it's still a story that needs conflict, character development, etc. The story feels directionless, like it's floating along as spontaneously as the characters. Pick a purpose, something you want to convey with the story, and let that drive the narrative. What I see that has potential is this: “I guess it's the contrast,” I said, “I've been alone most of my life. This is different. This whole year has been different.” This night – spontaneous music with others – is very different from being alone. How does that feel? How does it change you? The Saddest Rhino posted:
Overall this is a very nice story. My only real complaint is that the story is largely about your niece, but told from your point of view. We don't really get to see your feelings about your niece's actions throughout the story except in the silence conversations with your sister. I like the conflict caused by questioning the way your sister is raising her daughter; that can be a real point of contention in families. If there was one thing I'd change, it would be to emphasize the adult emotions in the story – exasperation, pride, worry, whatever was going on could be more obvious to the reader. Ugly In The Morning posted:A Little Too Routine The best part of this is the ending. Because you set it up earlier, I can picture you going home, having a normal evening, and going to bed. It lets the story slip back into the routine of your day. Your action scenes have some issues. You just write what happens, “He did this, the other man did this, I did that.” That gets boring. To catch and hold a reader's attention, there needs to be stakes. The contrast between Page 63 and “Surprise, you're dead!” starts to set that up, but more details would help. You hold your description of the homeless man until your text, which means that the reader can't picture him during all of the preceding action. Give us stuff to hold on to. Help us imagine what's happening.
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Feb 18, 2014 23:53
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Thank you Entenzahn and Jeza! I'll check out the crit in the Fiction Farm.
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Feb 19, 2014 00:03
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Just wanted to stop by and say thanks to God Over Djinn for your criticism. My story "Summer Memories" was written from a happy place and I wanted to evoke those same feelings of nostalgia in my reader. I was careful to be wistful without being whinny, and I guess I forgot to form it into a narrative instead of vignette.
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Feb 19, 2014 00:25
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In.
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Feb 19, 2014 00:39
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INTERPROMPT CRITS Courtesy of Network Executive Stereotype tenniseveryone posted:Behind The Dome You got two pitches here. Soap opera that's about a soap opera? Nerds eat that meta poo poo up. Soap opera about an apocalypse? Get AMC on the phone, we got a followup to Breaking Dead. Put the two together and your viewers are gonna get confused. You gotta have actors doing stuff too. Dramatic scenes, you know? Right now all we got is someone doing the recap. Nielson rating: 6.7 Meinberg posted:Oh No, Clones! Clones and mad scientists is top drama material. But holy poo poo, we gotta get a better cameraman. Where the hell are these guys? You got the sorta complex poo poo bored housewives love, but I'm not feeling the emotion. And this scientist guy--what's he trying to do? Evil clones have to have an agenda, and that agenda is drugs and politics. Nielson rating: 9.5 Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi posted:Sharing The Clap The gently caress is a Newberry? STDs are good poo poo, let me tell you. But why'd they stop and act all self-referential for a minute? You've got forty two minutes between the ads, and I want every inch between Tide and Godiva dripping with poo poo that makes our viewers stick around. Tell you what, you got a pilot, if one of them comes back as a vampire or some poo poo. We need the teenage girl demographic. Nielson rating: 14.2 Lake Jucas posted:Hearts of Gemini You got a pretty solid cut. Maybe you don't have a good director, maybe your scenery guy's kinda poo poo. Gonna have to get someone in to fix that up, give it some punch that'll make the idiots tune in. But you got your heart in the right place for twin-based melodrama. Tell you what, I'll pay you for the rights, and we'll give this to someone who'll make it look loving great. Nielson rating: 10.1 SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Trouble in Paradise This look like Telemundo to you? Well you better start calling me loving Pedro cause you got a show. "Hombre." Hahahaha. Nielson rating: 16.9
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Feb 19, 2014 01:29
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Never mind, awaiting instructions from Chairchucker.
curlingiron fucked around with this message at 06:29 on Feb 19, 2014 |
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Feb 19, 2014 01:46
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Benny the Snake posted:Just wanted to stop by and say thanks to God Over Djinn for your criticism. My story "Summer Memories" was written from a happy place and I wanted to evoke those same feelings of nostalgia in my reader. I was careful to be wistful without being whinny, and I guess I forgot to form it into a narrative instead of vignette. I bolded the only bit that anyone should be saying. If you want to wax goddam lyrical go to Ficktion Advice.
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Feb 19, 2014 01:58
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In. Flash me, please.
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Feb 19, 2014 02:40
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I couldn't decide on a set so I hit random page until it gave me something and  you better fuckin' BELIEVE I'm not going to write a boring piece of poo poo this week.
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Feb 19, 2014 02:50
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Mister Morn posted:Loser Brawl: Mister Morn vs Crab Destroyer Next! Crab Destroyer posted:Loser Brawl: Crab Destroyer vs Mister Morn This is also very bad; confused, infodumpy, lacking in vital information like oo lets see WHO IS THE PROTAGONIST but I dunno at least something happens, and I can see an actual story coming out of this after a savage slashing series of edits and rewrites that left about 5% of the wordcount intact. So on balance, and with the caveat that both stories are truly terrible, 'victory' to crab destroyer. Mister Morn: prepare your brow for the damp flaccidity of the losertar.
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Feb 19, 2014 03:02
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Whalley posted:I couldn't decide on a set so I hit random page until it gave me something and Their leader stands under a clock. He has conquered time itself: the lands of men should be a pushover.
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Feb 19, 2014 03:03
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Losertar for me, eh? Well, that happened. Thank you to everyone who read and critiqued my lovely writing.
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Feb 19, 2014 03:18
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Crits, yo. There were a lot of you fuckers and a lot of bad entries and this is taking a lot of time. I'm not done yet so if you don't see your name don't panic like a little bitch. Black Griffon - Bohemians I found myself liking this in spite of myself. You ramble on in this way that should infuriate me but your writing here is just so drat wonderfully wistful and poetic. I found memories of my own echoing in your words. And I liked that. You did an excellent job encapsulating the experience in this lovely, reminiscent, dreamlike way. I liked it but, like a dream, I found in lacking substance. You jotted down, with great accuracy, this night but failed to link to anything greater. Failed to weave in the importance of it to you as something more significant that “something that happened.” I hate you for making me miss night likes these. ************************************************** Arkane - Kisscapades Technically, you wrote a story. A boy picks up a girl and hey kiss. Congratulations. This is pretty much all that you did well. Where to start on what you did poorly? Your dialogue sucks. Your formatting for your dialogue sucks. What made you decide to cram everything into the same paragraph? I know your enter key works. gently caress. Put it to better use. But, please, don’t think I’m knocking your dialogue just because you don’t know how to format. It was stilted and boring and most of it was unnecessary. The entirety of your first paragraph is irrelevant. Are you the “funny guy” in your friends group? I get the feeling that you’re probably a funny dude in real life (or at least you think you are). Either way, your writing isn’t amusing or charming enough to pull off these constant zings. Your first paragraph is one long joke that simply isn’t amusing. Neither is the stuff about Casey’s name. Your “observations” aren’t hilarious, profound, or even poignant. They just make me groan and hope that you won’t dilute another sentence with one more hilarious monkeycheese random metaphor. For real. Cut down on the stupid metaphors and descriptors. It doesn’t make you unique or interesting. In fact, your writing style is incredible common amongst young writers. Your ending is abrupt and terrible. (See what I did there?) ************************************************** Palisader- The Move I didn’t hate this one as much as my fellow judges. They found it criminally boring. I thought it was just boring. You don’t have to describe everything. You shouldn’t describe everything. Make it all meaningful. Make it all count. You might have something half way decent buried under all of the excess fat. ************************************************** Elfdude- Highschool Justice You put so much emphasis on the fight when the fight wasn’t really that important. It was being a good boy. That’s what is interesting! The relationship between the mother and the narrator and between the narrator and himself. You are okay at writing action scenes but I think you should try focusing elsewhere. For your next story, just as an experiment, try to avoid as much physical violence as possible. If it happens, find a way to have it occur offscreen. Work on character development. Keep at it! ************************************************** Huntersoninski- It Could Have Been Worse Your sentences are clumsy. Especially in your opening paragraph. I get what you are saying but its written in such an inelegant way that I don’t want to stop reading and move on to something else. Aim for simplicity. Get your point across and then stop. For instance, I don’t need to know that you’ve been living independently for a year. It doesn’t add anything. You’ve already told me that you’ve been living apart. I, the reader, will agree that it sucks to move home regardless of your time apart. I don’t have much more to say other than that. Clean up your writing. ************************************************** Xenocides- Slaying a Childhood Devil You got a lot of grammar and tense issues to work out. It doesn’t matter what you write about if you can’t get a handle on basic skills then your work is unreadable. ************************************************** Little Mac- Last Date Your opening line only makes sense after reading the entire piece. This isn’t necessarily a terrible thing to do if you can do it well. Yours is too esoteric. If you confound me early on you then risk me not reading any more of your piece. . You’re not a bad writer. You have a nice feel for language. I think with this piece you tried to “do too much” because it was a real experience. Treat it like a story. Cut what isn’t interesting or important. Expound upon what IS interesting or important. Adding two characters right at the end was maybe a poor choice. Your story was already done! It felt tacked on and, again, confused me. Who are these people? Why are they important enough to be included but only right then at the end? ************************************************** Quidnose- Go Home, You’re Drunk If this is a story, and I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, it isn’t a very good one. Which is a shame because you nailed being drunk. Absolutely nailed it. Really well-written. I just wish there was something more here than “I got drunk and drank some more and then went home.” ************************************************** The Leper Colon V- Someone I Didn’t Deserve Don’t write a summary of a story as a story! Write a story! ************************************************** Anathema Device - Breathe “Always have a good book handy; breathe at the periods; and don't worry too much if the paper gets wet, because it's the words that matter.” I thought your story was cute but that’s all it was. Without more insight into the narrator’s world and the way these “life lessons” have changed him/her I’m left with a college application essay rather than a story. ************************************************** Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi- Feeling a Clot Better This was very bland. Like a wafer or something. It wasn’t poorly written but nothing of note occurred. Sickness. Diagnosis. Recovery. Celebration. I’m sure it was a stressful situation but there is nothing panicked or upsetting in your writing. I was just kinda like “Huh, well, glad that worked out” and then I moved on. Also- don’t edit. You should have been disqualified. ************************************************** Crabrock- My Life in Knots Very charming, nicely written, and the only entry to make me laugh. The dialogue was fun to read and I got distinct voices from the different characters. I think you did a really nice job of tying in the scientist thing so that it was an actual story with growth and what have you rather than recitation of a real life occurrence. Well done. ************************************************** Ugly In The Morning- A Little Too Routine You start up slow and kind of ramble from there. You describe settings accurately enough but you get pretty muddled when you start involving action. With that being said, your incorporation of the Choose Your Adventure stuff was pretty clever and a neat enough idea though that it made your piece bearable. ************************************************** Meinberg- When the Cold Wind Blows There is probably a way of telling this story without it coming across like the bitch fit of bitter nerd who got friendzoned but you didn’t do it here. ************************************************** Comrade Black- Maternity Fingers In what world is a twelve year with knowledge of penis and births considered “sheltered?” I get through one paragraph and I’m scratching my head. And it goes downhill from there. You need some serious work on your sentences. Structurally they’re all over the place. You use too many words. You include stupid poo poo. Here’s an example: “Apparently, you needed hot water in order to make the yeast rise. Or something. I can’t really remember why we needed hot water for pizza dough, but I didn’t care.” Why did you make me read these words? Did you really need them all? (No.) ************************************************** NewsGunkie- Away You need a better intro. You need a more definite plot. I need something interesting to happen. This is supposed to be sad and it isn’t. ************************************************** Erogenous Beef- Sodom Has No Pause Button You took me for a trip and I’m glad I went. You won so I’m not gonna sit here and jerk you off with praise. You know you’re good. ************************************************** Whalley - Dads Roll Out This is impossible to critique because this isn’t a story. This is a journal entry or maybe an answer on a college application or something. You’re not illiterate. You’re not a lovely writer. However, you didn’t write a story. gently caress. ************************************************** Mister Morn - Empire State Heights This reads like your english teacher made you write a reflection on your summer vacation to New York. I have to assume it was a pretty lovely trip if this was all you could come up. I mean, what happened here? How did the narrator grow or change because of this experience? I hope your teacher failed you but you probably got patted on the head and told what a good writer you are. Tell a drat story next time. Also, I need to get this off my chest. “It was the highlight of my trip, and it really made that weekend worthwhile.” This is bad. Don’t ever do this again. If you did a good job of, oh I don’t know, writing a story then I already got this. ************************************************** Nikaer Drekin- For Your Consideration I thought this was really quite insulting. ************************************************** Djesar - To Impress Any other week this would have been a DM at best. I have no notes that you don’t already know. Give a poo poo or get out. ************************************************** Sebmojo - Backwash This feels like a middle piece. Not in a good way. You didn’t drop me off in media res but rather in between the introduction and any sort of action. There are some characters and some relationships and right when things start happening its over. So, I end up knowing nothing. I end up feeling nothing. There is no story because there is nothing. Very uncharacteristic entry from a writer I enjoy.
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Feb 19, 2014 03:57
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