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  I'm in. Djeser fucked around with this message at 15:16 on Feb 27, 2014 |
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Feb 27, 2014 15:11
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Feb 28, 2014 01:38
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I'm in.
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Feb 28, 2014 02:45
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DJESERCRITquote:07:46:24: <djeser> aw gently caress, slept through the deadline :/ Djeser posted:My set: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/6987_Message-Intercept_Base Yes, that holds up pretty well. You've done a good job of integrating the two elements of your prompt/flashrule, the sci-fi worldbuilding is assured but not overpowering, the simple action narrative plays a good counterpoint to the internal introspective one, and both strands support the genuinely odd world you're presenting. The title works ok as a character statement plus being a vaguely theological thing to put at the top of the story. Oh, and eBeef if you're handing out crits I'll take one on JIM SPACEMAN: MOON ATTACK. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 10:57 on Mar 4, 2014 |
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Feb 28, 2014 04:20
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It's been a while but I'll take a crack at this one.
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Feb 28, 2014 05:11
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I'm in, but I haven't heard from my partner-to-be? Email me when you get a chance, buddy, at my username AT gmail dot com if you picked a creature!
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Feb 28, 2014 08:15
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I'm in like Flynn. I'm also open to collaborate, so PM if you're down. Requesting a crit.
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Feb 28, 2014 08:27
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I'm in, maybe with a partner? Who knows. This'll be my first time Thunderdoming, but if you're DTF (down to formulate) then PM me.
literally this big fucked around with this message at 09:13 on Feb 28, 2014 |
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Feb 28, 2014 08:36
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You're awesome, thank you.
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Feb 28, 2014 16:06
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How will critique be handled in this case? Would we be able to "out" our stories in the Fiction Farm come next prompt if I just gotta have some critique? This fresh-faced first-timer is in.
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Mar 1, 2014 05:08
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quote:Would we be able to "out" our stories in the Fiction Farm come next prompt if I just gotta have some critique? I don't know what that means? I am going to critique every story that is entered this week, and Rhino and Sebmojo likely will as well.
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Mar 1, 2014 05:12
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systran posted:I don't know what that means? I am going to critique every story that is entered this week, and Rhino and Sebmojo likely will as well.
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Mar 1, 2014 05:45
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I'm going to post links to a google doc with all the stories, and you'll find your story and see the crits on it.
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Mar 1, 2014 06:02
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In. Yep.
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Mar 1, 2014 06:50
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systran posted:I'm going to post links to a google doc with all the stories, and you'll find your story and see the crits on it.
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Mar 1, 2014 06:57
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BRAWL RESULTS: MUFFIN VS. KAISHAIDr. Kloctopussy posted:Lo, I have been summoned, and I have responded to said summons and do thusly respond, as follows: Why you write so good? hard to judge  I liked both these stories for different reasons. I felt they both rose to the challenge of the prompt, and each had strong points where the other was slightly lacking. I edited both of your stories and cut out more than 10% of your words (though the proportionate number of cuts were close enough that the actual numbers did not play into my ultimate decision.) The edited versions are at the end of the post. (Sorry, not red-lined). Muffin: I really enjoyed just reading this story, without thinking much about judging it. You maintained a definite "voice" and an economy of words. I enjoyed the opposing scopes of world destruction and the creation of new life. It was far-reaching while remaining intimate. I also liked how the card game was used to reflect the overall theme of holding onto hope. It wasn't subtle, but it worked for me. Your interpretations of desert (Antarctica, the result of global warming, and being barren) were creative. Much better than a prose poem about sand, thank you. As for weaknesses, your narrative arc is flirting with "vignette" territory, and two of your characters feel like place holders. Even your main character feels one- or two-dimensional. I felt the pop-culture references did not add very much, even to the atmosphere. I would have liked to see you push a just little further outside of your normal style. Editing yours was more challenging, because I had to decide what contributed to ~atmosphere~ and ~voice~ instead of just story, but I did cut over 10%, and did a bit of rearranging. Kaishai: Your story had more of an immediate emotional gut-punch and a clear conflict and resolution (even though the resolution was only partial for the characters, it felt complete for the story). Your dialogue conveyed so many undercurrents and tensions. Especially when Elena says "You left me." That three word sentence says so much. It's been bouncing around my head for days. Your treatment of the desert theme was multilayered, covering not only the setting, but also the verb (Alexander deserted her), and the undertones of loneliness and survival. Naming the baby Sahara was borderline too-far, but ultimately I felt like it was okay--it felt like something she might actually name her baby. You'll notice in the edit that I did delete her calling Alexander by the nickname "Sandy," though. I was impressed by the contrast between the feel an style of this piece compared to other things you have written. On the downside, while this story was definitely concise, it also felt a little small. There were emotions under the surface, but I feel they lacked a certain complexity. The tension was straightforward, which gave it more of an immediate impact, but less of a lasting one. (Except that one line of dialogue that I love). You had a few awkward sentences and some places where the perspective became ambiguous. There were also a few places where I felt you told us something that could be left implied. Those areas make up the bulk of my edits. This was an extremely difficult decision that I have been thinking about since Monday, in multiple consultations with SittingHere, and it is still difficult!! You are both winners of my heart, but there can be only one victor in Thunderdome. It is not two men enter, two men leave. So, this victory is not just by a hair, but by a very, very fine hair, like a bunny rabbit hair or something. So without further ado:  THE VICTOR: MUFFINI don't think I can argue for either of these stories as being objectively better than the other, so I ultimately, utterly subjectively, picked the one I enjoyed reading more, even though it was just a little bit more. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! THIS WAS SO HARD OH GOD! OH right, judges show no pain. Please replace this with big ego stuff. Other random thoughts: I thought it interesting that both of your stories involved children, and that you both used repetition very effectively in a challenge about being concise (i.e. neither of the repetitions felt superfluous). MY EDITED VERSIONS: (p.s. these were great fun to edit and if either of you ever wants help editing please hit me up!) The Great Southern Waste (Muffin, 713 words down to 627 words) Want a cold beer at Scott Base? Stick it out the window. Bottle only: fingers outside and you’ll lose ‘em. The summer crew might enjoy a balmy 0 degrees celsius. The winter lot are less lucky. Penguins and sterile darkness for a thousand miles. Nothing to do but drink, play poker, and drill ice cores. The sign on the door says Climate Research. The manifesto taped to the wall has three points: #1 save the world #2 no kids until we save the world #3 don’t talk about We were playing Texas Hold ‘em with Gibbs and Murray when she told us. I had a pair of 3s. Terrible, but you play your cards against those on the table. Anna was not drunk. We had bags under our eyes. None of us had shaved in weeks. The rest of the crew were asleep. Anna is as close to magic as I have met: the ice is her crystal ball. Every day, she stares at ice cores until her eyes are red, and swears she’s not been crying. She wrote a paper about them, then received death threats. She no longer talks to the press. “It’s done,” she said, throwing down a few dollars. “Tubes tied.” Her voice was hollow, resigned. I met the bet. “Me too,” said Murray. “Vasectomy. Boxing Day, back in the world. Doctor asked why. Told him I was a Catholic with a sex addiction. Shut him up.” First three cards flipped over: Queen of Spades, King of Spades, Six of Hearts. Fuckall for me. Two more cards to go, turn and river. Two sorts of people chase the river: fools, and those with nothing left to lose. Dangerous thing, hope. I hadn’t gotten the snip, but I didn’t want them to know. It started as a joke. We’d made a pillow fort and wrote “no kids allowed” and got drunk and marvelled at the patterns of ice on the windows. It was cramped, boring, and cold in the base, but we stuck with it because we were saving the world. Making it a better place for our- Turn: Five of Clubs. Useless. It was in front of us, clear as ice. The earth was dying, and we were paramedics. As news of Anna’s frosty reception made it south, our bravado faded. The first of many wounds. We realised we were undertakers, keeping the place neat for whoever wanted to look it over later. Oh, humanity? Gone to meet Jesus, ain’t comin’ back. We used to be scared of monsters that looked like people, then we cut out the middle man. The forbidden movie changed. A monster can be killed, but a desert can only be survived. Barren. Hell of a word. You wouldn’t push your lover in front of a train, and you wouldn’t bring a kid into the mess that’s coming. Easier to- River flipped: 3 of Clubs. I threw a few bucks on the pile. Murray folded. Chasing a straight, no doubt. Anna met the bet. She gave a lopsided grin, like old times. Gibbs saw the look, and folded. “So, what’ve you got?” I said. She shrugged and flipped her cards. Pair of Jacks. Good hand, at another table. I laid mine out. Murray laughed. “Trip threes,” he said, “bloody hell, saved myself some cash there.” Gibbs crooked an eyebrow. “Just what the hell were you chasing?” he said. “Dunno,” I said, “but looks like I found it.” We drink, we play poker, we drill ice cores. They are more worrying each year, but the world is not worried. Terrible, but you play your cards against those on the table. We can only bet big and keep chasing the river. -------- Deserts (Kaishai: 443 down to 388) Alexander tasted grit as he knocked on Elena's door. He dragged his hand over his face, scrubbed the sweat onto his jeans. The door opened, and she stood there, drawn and sallow. Red lines webbed her wide eyes. He spoke fast. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." "You left." "I didn't know." "You left me," she said with the same old edge. He thought of leaving again. Inside, the baby wailed. Alexander blocked the slamming door with his boot. "I want to meet her," he said. "You have no right. Go back to wherever you went." She bashed the cheap plywood into his foot and cursed him when he stood still for it. The cries got louder, shriller. Elena went to the child, and Alexander followed her into the cramped trailer. She bent to gather the sobbing pink bundle from the crib. The baby's face was flushed as bright as her onesie. Elena cradled the girl against her shoulder and swayed, murmuring nonsense. Her eyes were too dull to spit hate at him. Their daughter kept crying. "Let me hold her. Let me give you a break." "She's mine!" Elena tightened her hold; the baby screamed. Elena's face turned white. Alexander held out his arms. "Christ, Elena, no one could take her from you." The sound Elena made when she handed him their baby was like a sob itself. Then his right hand cupped his daughter's fragile head, his left her padded bottom, and he drew her to his chest. She howled at being held by a stranger. She squirmed. Alexander rocked her, stroked a finger along her cheek. Would her wispy hair turn dark? or red like his? "Hush, darling," he said. "Sahara. Hush now." Her wails softened: she was exhausted too. He looked up at Elena. "You should have told me." "You left," she said, and he couldn't deny what was true. "She should have a father. It's not fair to her for you to do this alone." Silence. Elena had always been at least as honest as he. Baked dust blew through an open window. Alexander turned, shielding Sahara with his body. She snuffled against his shirt, quiet and limp in his arms. Water pricked his eyes for the first time in years. Elena's gaze had a heavy weight. "Maybe," she said at last. "Maybe."
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Mar 1, 2014 10:06
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Sign-ups are closed. Here are the submissions so far: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GG3cP-SU0My6dkbmNFcVDzFjJVuTOXo6xGPszzmaW-c/edit?usp=sharing I will be doing my crits in a seperate googledoc. Seafood will add stories in as they come in. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 00:38 on Mar 2, 2014 |
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Mar 1, 2014 17:01
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Yeah, a visit to the ER and all that involves pretty much ensured that there's not gonna be a story. At least I didn't have any writing partners.
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Mar 2, 2014 21:40
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Black Griffon posted:At least I didn't have any writing partners. Same here- I was flying solo, but I've got to drop out. I did write something this weekend, but (a) it's over the word limit and (b) it has... nothing at all to do with the prompt. Oh well.
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Mar 3, 2014 00:23
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you guys realize you still have 9 hours right? :P
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Mar 3, 2014 00:26
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I'm going to post my crits once the deadline is over. It will be a google doc that will update as I crit. I have already done a crit of every story that has been emailed so far. If you submit before 11pm EST, there is a strong chance you will have your crit tonight or first thing after I wake up. Anything submitted at the last minute will have the crit up a lot later.
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Mar 3, 2014 02:12
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I am a terrible person and have written nothing. #bailtown. Shame me.
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Mar 3, 2014 04:36
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Quidnose posted:I am a terrible person and have written nothing. #bailtown. Shame me.
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Mar 3, 2014 05:36
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The Leper Colon V posted:Quid, I submitted a saving face
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Mar 3, 2014 05:39
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The Leper Colon V posted:Quid, I submitted a decent story this week. I'm proud of you, buddy!
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Mar 3, 2014 05:43
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You have a few hours left, and I'm going to bed soon, so here are the crits so far https://docs.google.com/document/d/197zxyCyRaFWJvbBxbN_ubwy3VqmaXArP28rTxRknq58/edit Do not reveal yourself to people in IRC or in the thread! I will disqualify you from winning if you tell people who you are. Don't loving do it. If you reveal yourself you can still lose though, so don't try to be cute. Even though I did a number system on this, number systems are kind of dumb and it's mostly for my own reference. The judges have barely conferred so far, so hold tight anything could happen!
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Mar 3, 2014 06:35
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Ended up going it alone for my first Thunderdome outing because I have no friends and nobody loves me. It was a lot easier to get writing than I thought it would be, but that 1000 word cap was a bitch to work around. I just wanted to write more and more, and I think my story feels a bit rushed because of it. I'd like all the crits I can get on this one. This is the first thing I've written so 
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Mar 3, 2014 09:16
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Edit: I'm dumb as gently caress. NVM.
JonasSalk fucked around with this message at 17:56 on Mar 3, 2014 |
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Mar 3, 2014 12:22
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All of my crits are done, and Rhino is working on his. We will probably end up waiting on sebmojo; I'm hoping he has done a lot of crits already. Once the winner is announced, feel free to ask me in bold Systran, longer crit please. My story is: NAME OF STORY Also, once the winner is announced, I'll ask Seafood to enable comments on the master document, and I encourage everyone to go edit their name into the title of each story so we can see who everyone was. Please do this so that Kaishai and Crabrock can record everything properly into the archives.
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Mar 3, 2014 17:14
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Why are there so many stories on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lk-yH1KeZqU ?
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Mar 3, 2014 17:43
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The Saddest Rhino posted:Why are there so many stories on Probably a lot of people wanted to avoid something super serious (especially after those first three crits got posted), and wanted to go for something a bit nicer than "man fights big scary monster."
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Mar 3, 2014 20:27
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systran posted:All of my crits are done, and Rhino is working on his. We will probably end up waiting on sebmojo; I'm hoping he has done a lot of crits already. I have consumed your effluvium. Judgment is rolling towards you like a terrible locomotive. Make fast your bindings and close your eyes.
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Mar 3, 2014 23:14
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RESULT POST Winner: Full Course Everyone agreed on this, we didn't have to discuss it. Loser: The Bird of Fortune <-- Confirmed that this was Benny The Snake Everyone hated this the most. It was a special kind of laziness and poo poo story. There were a lot of nonsense stories, but we could feel the authors behind them at least trying to put some fun or cool ideas into the stories. Honorable Mentions: 1) The Harpy I loved this story, and the other judges had no issues with giving this an HM. 2) The Hidebehind This was solid, and we weren't unanimous, but 2/3 judges agreed (we couldn't check with one) this could get HM. Dishonorable Mentions 1) "Untitled (the one that begins with: Threadbare cloth yielded to the breeze." Totally unclear and bad prose. At least you tried harder than The Bird of Fortune. 2) "Monkeys' Wedding" Unclear, bad prose, confusing as poo poo. Painful descriptions. loving stiff boner knives as an ending??? 3) Lead us not to temptation This was offensively boring. I can give you a longer crit if you'd like, but I feel it had no actual characters, if that makes sense. Your protag/antag was just disembodied evil, and it followed around a guy who was cartoonishly good. GO INTO THIS DOCUMENT AND LEAVE A COMMENT WITH YOUR FORUM NAME ON YOUR STORY TITLE! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GG3cP-SU0My6dkbmNFcVDzFjJVuTOXo6xGPszzmaW-c/edit?usp=sharing Whoever wrote the winning story can post a prompt whenever they'd like. If the winners or losers were a team, choose the true winners and losers and report back here ASAP. If you toxxed yourself, please quickly claim a story so we don't ban you. THE BROWNIE AWARD SHOW Somehow none of the terrible Brownie stories got DM, BUT: Most rapetastic and creepy brownie story: Working Title Even though this was a creepy loving story, it was the best Brownie story. Worst brownie story: Thomas and the Elf I hated how everything became irrelevant and out of nowhere you had them just talk about the kid's dad. Ugh. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 00:21 on Mar 4, 2014 |
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Mar 3, 2014 23:51
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Some odiferous judgebelches. As with systran, if you want a longer crit, speak up. Firegirl: nice enough idea, but no actual conflict or tension On one hand: tolerably creepy idea, but it ends where it should start Full course: wow. I wish I’d written this. ++ God defend the queen: yeah, haha, pretty decent gags cc Hidden mickeys: good work, ending doesn’t really bring it home unfortunately, but nice use of detail up till then Unicorn hunt: this is striving for way more significance and GUD RITING than it actually warrants – next time have a story too Harpy: 80% there – great use of details, but I wanted more of a motivated change from her Why we lay our mirrors face down at night: Aw that was really neat. Good use of mythic cadences and rhythms, with a sprinkling of modern talk to spice it up, clever tale. Should have cut the last para though. + The brave man walks through fire: Hm. I quite like the overall shape of this and your poems are good, but there’s some structural issues (it takes a long time to work out what’s going on) and clunky anachronistic phrasings that lessen the effect. Not terrible though. Working title: Nice creepy and imaginative take on the myth – pov shift midway hurts it, though. Lead us not into temptation: clunky, plonky, don’t care. A few nice bits of description but really WGAF about these cartoon people Holes: I am moderately fond of this idea, but the execution leaves me completely cold. Ocellus: oo, yeah, that’s actually pretty tight and sweet. Nice unsentimental fantasy world, good twist and turn on the dismount. + Aesop’s lost fable: noir cyberpunk talking animals doing Breaking Bad is an underserved niche. Doesn’t quite stick the landing, sadly, because Terry is totes hosed when the MitM gets round to it and a better story would have addressed that, but I enjoyed reading it. Oedipus or if you want to see God laugh, make a plan: um wat. The final words of Edward Pluton/Milk: Adequately put-together words, but both these are lacking some essential element of conflict to make them worth the reading. The bird of fortune: unf this is pretty bad; I mean guy finds buttloads of gold, kills friend to take it is more the start of the story than the end? Plus loads of infelicities and bad words. – Untitled: oh god terrible words make them stop – Monkey’s wedding: yeah, a decent yarn with lots of well-deployed details. Clunky phrasing mars it somewhat though. Jesus take the wheel: “I’m not sure why I’m here” expresses my feelings exactly, halfway through the story. And then it goes on, and I find out, and I DON’T CARE. When your whole story is a bad last-line gag, don’t also put the gag in the title maybe. And oh god get to the point faster next time. The hidebehind: Haha, this is actually pretty neat in the way it dangles the expected outcome then flips it. Effective, tight, + A likeness captured in stone: A strong and clever idea spoiled by clunky phrasings and word choices. Tooth and nail: Messy, unconvincing, did not like. Pick a world to live in for your story, don’t split the difference. Thomas and the Elf: ohh, clunkeriffic. Is this a joke? DM Untitled: competent, solid, conflict and change. Junkie of Standards: Hi Fumblemouse. eDIT: NOPE I like this a lot, the strange oral cadence works well with the street legend feel and the wry asides. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 00:18 on Mar 4, 2014 |
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Mar 4, 2014 00:04
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Systran, seb, (and anyone else) longer crit please. My story is: Thomas and the Elf. I wrote at least 1,300 words, but cutting it down to fit was the real problem. Could I get advice specifically geared towards how to edit mine down more effectively? I totally agree that my story ends up feeling rushed as all hell, and I'm really disappointed I didn't get to do more with it.
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Mar 4, 2014 00:05
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My story was Unicorn Hunt, and it turns out I failed spectacularly at drawing the parallel between "everything's magic when you're a child" and "everything was magic back when there were still mysteries about the world". If I could get a longer crit, specifically focused on precisely how I hosed that up, that'd be great. This is at least the second time I've been really proud of a work and the point it makes, and had it actually be bad enough to nearly be worth a DM. 
girl dick energy fucked around with this message at 00:31 on Mar 4, 2014 |
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Mar 4, 2014 00:19
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Seb: Systran gave me a good idea of where mine (Why we lay our Mirrors face-down at night) was weak, but I'm curious to see further comments from you, since you seemed to like it more than he did. Systran, your comments (on the doc and in IRC) were substantial enough that I have a good idea of what I should fix. Now tell us the name of our new lord and the name of our newest 'Dome bitch.
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Mar 4, 2014 00:20
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Illegal Carrot posted:Systran, seb, (and anyone else) longer crit please. My story is: Thomas and the Elf. You can ask for things you'd like the crit to focus on but don't give us 'extra context' and don't abase yourself like in the last line. We literally physically don't care.
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Mar 4, 2014 00:21
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Interprompt Pick a random noun from here, and plug it into the search box on the Guinness World Records site.. Then write 200 words on one of the records it finds for you. As always this goes until the new prompt is posted, anyone can enter, anyone can crit. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 00:36 on Mar 4, 2014 |
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Mar 4, 2014 00:26
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Illegal Carrot posted:Probably a lot of people wanted to avoid something super serious (especially after those first three crits got posted), and wanted to go for something a bit nicer than "man fights big scary monster." Is this your reason for not writing a luchadore story Because wow weaksauce Everyone gets crits much later in the day when I slog through them with a clearer mind. I hated every single one of those brownie stories.
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Mar 4, 2014 00:38
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