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Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Jay O posted:

Don't wanna be :toxx:'ed though, so I'll have it up, just more like around 2 AM PST. Blegh, sorry.

JuniperCake posted:

Yeah I'm in the same boat and will be late as well so will have to take the DQ. I'll have my story done about two hours after the deadline.

I'm starting to be concerned about your senses of time!

To avoid the :toxx:, I suggest posting your stories by 6pm today, USA Eastern.


Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

"That's right. We've evolved."

"I can see that. Cool mutations."

I Don't Do Bees (199 words)

The life of a hedge wizard is fairly straightforward. You heal a sick cow here, get some crops growing there, and grateful farmers keep you fed and clothed.

But one day farmer John came to me with a bee problem, and off I went to his apiary. I reached out psychically, and, it turns out bees have a voice, of sorts. Two voices, in this case.

“The workers of the hive will fight and unite for our right to reproduce!” said one.

“Queens we have had for time immemorial. Our social fabric depends upon the matriarchy,” said the other.

“Your matriarchy won’t stand against our biology. We will have a classless society!”

“You do not understand the damage you do to the well-being of the hive.”

“Ladies, ladies. You need to resolve your differences. Farmer John needs his honey,” I said.

“It is the voice of the oppressor!”

“The thief of our life’s blood!”

“Sisters, let us rise against our common foe!”

Well, the next thing I was hightailing it to Farmer John’s dam with a swarm of angry bees chasing me. And that’s why I’ll do pestilence and insect plagues and erosion. But I don’t do bees.

For bonus :science:, see

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards
Job Interview (197 words)

The applicant sat just above his chair.

"Okay, young Bartholemew, or whatever you're calling yourself," said Hamilton. "One more question. Suppose" - Hamilton propped his feet on the desk - "you had an enormous treadmill, and an airplane resting on it. And you fired up that airplane, all the while running the treadmill backwards, so as to keep the airplane stationary."

"What's an airplane?" Bartholemew bzzzed meekly.

"A dragon with wheels," said Hamilton. "That can't flap."

"And a treadmill?"

"Ground enchanted to roll backwards. Now, the question is, whether the airplane takes off."

After a minute's consideration the young applicant suddenly expanded. His head ballooned. His neck lengthened. His arms ricocheted wildly away from his body. The faint buzzing that Hamilton had detected as the applicant walked in was now deafening. Stretched to its limit, the applicant's glamour gave up, and he collapsed into a pile of squalling bees on Hamilton's parquet floor.

"Get the janitor in here, would you, Penny?" he called into the hallway. "Make sure he brings a broom."

"Collectivized ants again?" said Penny.

"Worse," he said. "Bees. Really, they'll never learn. Never can agree on anything. Now mind you watch out for the honey."

Aug 2, 2002




Riding the Cloud Slug
200 words

Hey it’s me, that wasp from last time. Ok, well, technically I’m not a bee, but does anybody really keep track of these things? If I fly in your face do you not swat at me and run? People still scream “Bee!” when come through the sunroof. Sure it’s racist, but if you can’t beat ‘em…

I’m going to tell you about this other hosed up thing I do. You know how people are always flailing their arms and running away from you? And also how wizards are always waving their wands around casting spells?

I think you see where this is going: me swooping down on some unsuspecting wizard just doing his wizard thing. Getting right up in his face so he’s panicked, waving his arms trying to get me out of his face. poo poo’s turning into stone and sheep all around us. That wand is just squirting magic all over the place.

Sometimes I grab onto his long white mustache and just hold on. He can’t hit me without hitting himself in the face. Just me riding that wizard and getting nearby children turned into toads and whatnot.

God I need help.

Starter Wiggin
Feb 1, 2009

Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?
Magically Delicious
185 words

You think honey just happens?

You think that sweet, golden nectar just appears in the comb?

Well, you're wrong. And don't you think you've got it figured out with
your 'biological processes' and other sciencey-sounding ahit.

We make it with magic.

Every wizard (or 'worker') bee is enrolled in magic school when
they're three days old. There, they're taught the various spells and
enchantments necessary to create the perfect honey.

It's hard work. All that dancing your human scientists think we're
using to 'communicate distances to flowers' or other nonsense, that's
us casting our spells. It's an extremely complex and tiring process.

And our queen, she's not exactly what you think. Yeah, sure, she lays
eggs all the time to make more wizard bees. But why do you think we
chose her? The queen of a hive is actually an extremely dangerous
wizard bee, sentenced to live out the rest of her life under our
guard. We gorge her on honey until she's too fat to move.

And the reason we swarm if you disturb our hive? We're just protecting
you from her.

You're welcome.

May 30, 2011

do not buy a oneplus phone

Bad Seafood posted:


Wizards + bees, 200 words.

That's wizards fond of bees, wizards summoning bees, wizards composed entirely of bees; whatever floats your boat.

Buzz Buzz Buzzˋ (199 words)

Terry's stream of bees ran into the wall, creating a thin paste of bee parts on the concrete. "Very good, Terry," the instructor said, "now it's time to work on levitating things"

Terry had been ecstatic when he found out he had magical potential. He thought he was going to be some sort of Harry Potter. Unfortunately, the fact about magic that never made it into popular culture is that the only force witches and wizards can control is bees. No fire or lightning, unless you count dousing your bees in gasoline and sending them into a torch.

Terry's stream of bees congregated under the rock and beat their wings with all their might, lifting the fist-sized stone about two feet into the air. "Excellent." the instructor said.

The bees raised their burden higher and higher until it was directly over Terry's head. They parted and dropped the stone onto his upturned face knocking him out.

"Goddamn bees have gone rogue again," the instructor shouted as he sprayed them with RAID.

Of course the other thing they never tell you is that the only bees that can be effectively controlled are killer bees, which hate humans with a passion.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Edit: Nevermind

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 19:16 on Mar 17, 2014

Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
Regarding the Benny situation, just so no one needs to wonder: he's disqualified. The judges are still working on the rest of the results!

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 19:18 on Mar 17, 2014

Apr 12, 2006
199 words

Wizard School is a lot like prison. There’s a lot of rules. A lot of drugs. Folks split up into gangs. And, on your first day, you’re supposed to find the biggest, meanest fucker you can and take him out.

Wolfgang kicked opened the oak doors which made people stop and stare. Normal folks used their wands.

“I’m new,” he growled, “Wanna fight about it?”

“Hi,” a skinny kid in a bowtie said, “My name is Gary and-”

Wolfgang drove his fist into the kid’s face. Through his face. Out the back of the his skull.

Wolgang wiggled his fingers in surprise. He shouldn’t be elbow deep. He only meant to punch the guy. His arm felt tingly.

“Oh, Jesus, what the gently caress is this?” he said, “Why is-what the? Ow! Ow, gently caress! gently caress!

Wolfgang fell backwards and stared in horror at his arm as it slid out of the pulsating hole. His arm was red and swollen and it felt like it had been pierced a thousand times by red hot needles. There was a faint buzzing as Gary’s face reassembled itself and Gary grinned when he had a mouth again

“Welcome to Wizard School, bitch.”

Jan 26, 2013

Kaishai posted:

I'm starting to be concerned about your senses of time!

To avoid the :toxx:, I suggest posting your stories by 6pm today, USA Eastern.

Well drat. I appreciate the extra time but its just not gonna happen by the looks of it. I think the failure of not submitting something twice in a row stings a bit more than the loss of 10 dollars. Maybe this will teach me to not be crap about submitting because this is seriously shameful. Sorry folks.


Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition

Peas and Carrots
104 words

It was the easiest part of Sunday Speech Dinner. Mom had conjured an entire ham with perfect honey glaze and pineapple slices. Dad had made out pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes and butter-drenched cornbread dressing. Sis had whipped up a perfect strawberry rhubarb pie. Even my three-year-old brother had managed to speak clearly enough to create the butter biscuits.

It’d be the first time I’d get to participate since the Mice Cream incident. I just had to say two words over the table and dinner would be served.

When the swarm rose up—covered in carrots—I knew I was in trouble again.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Give a bee a bone(r) 191 Words

Alroidian, high priestess of the bee wizards, challenged Elar, arch mage of the dog magi to a duel most fearsome. Alroidian opened with a salvo of bumblebees, while Elar countered with miniature pugs. The pugs' flat faces acted as hammers, squashing the bumblebees against the marble floor of the dueling grounds.

"Ha!" Elar chortled, "Bee wizardry will die out. It will be an irrelevant oddity in the Tiersauberernomikon, and--here I jest in a friendly fashion--it will not even bee deemed worthy of beeing retained in future revisions!"

Alroidian summoned wasps and hornets and dire-bees, which could only be countered with Greyhounds and Labradors and dire wolves, respectively. The attacks cancelled each other out neatly, and both Alroidian and Elar felt most impressed with each other and aroused. They exchanged further barrages of bees and dogs, and equally saucy banter.

Finally Elar dropped the bone-staff in his hand while raising another, and Alroidian gave up her honey.

The newest addition to the Tiersauberernomikon reads thusly: "Dog-Bee Magic is most fierce, as the dogs bark and shoot bees out. There are no known counters. Bee-were!"

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 03:52 on Mar 18, 2014

Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
Natural Splendor
(32 words)

There's a wizard I know, if you please,
Who's as old and as strong as the seas,
But his only apprentice
Is non compos mentis
And likes to strip naked for bees.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

A Small Sample Of The Existential Pain I Experienced Every Time I Visited Uncle Danby's House.

What do you get if you cross a bee and a wizard?

A buzzard!

Nov 18, 2008

The Wizard and his Bride (159 words)

There once was a bee,
So little was she,
But ambition she did have in spades.

When her temper was hot,
“No mere drone, I am not!”
She’d announce to hives in the glade.

And so a wizard did hear,
So astoundingly clear,
The plea of the bee in the shade.

“No more a drone you shall be,
I can do that, you see,
But there’s a price to be paid.”

“Thus my wife you shall be,
I’m so lonely, you see,”
The poor old wizard had said.

The bee heard his offer,
And her hand she did proffer,
She never thought of being betrayed,

But the wizard had plans,
He was an old man,
And he planned to get more than just laid.

His spell he did weave,
Shed his new bride’s bee sleeve,
Turned her into a blushing maid.

But the poor transformed lass,
Honey came from her rear end,
And the wizard held out toasted bread.


CommissarMega fucked around with this message at 05:45 on Mar 18, 2014

Dec 15, 2006

Come fight terrifying creatures in the THUNDERDOME!
I have nothing to contribute words-wise to the Great Wizard Bee Interprompt, but here's a picture one of my students drew for me when I mentioned it:

May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator
Universities Offer No Subscriptions to Encyclopedia Britannica After the Bee Event

Bees (superfamily Apoidea), any of more than 20,000 species of insects in the suborder Apocalypta (order Homonoptera) that includes the familiar Anti-bee (Vesuvisor) and lava wasps (Gog and Magogantuan), as well as thousands more wasplike, flylike, and humanlike bees. Adults range in size from about 2 mm to 12 m.

After the Wizard Union’s failed summoning of the Ur-Bee, bees are closely related to certain types of wizards, with the principal difference between them being that wizards can be killed (except for bee wizards). Associated with this difference in mortality are certain structural differences, the most essential being that wizards often have prominent facial hair while bees often clothe themselves in skins of frightened mothers (except for bee wizards, whose beard consist of baby hair).

Bees are no longer dependent on flowers for food. It hunts various organisms, from other bees to humans, preferring humans living in the continent of…(150 of 811 words)


It's actually 164 words.

Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
:siren: Week LXXXIV Results: Who You Gonna Call? :siren:

If only Harold Ramis were still with us, he could blast most of your ghosts with a proton beam and get them out of my sight. The proportion of truly terrible stories this week will haunt the judges for some time to come. Most of the dishonorable mentions should breathe a sigh in relief, knowing that in any other round they would have been toast.

Not all is doom and gloom. A handful of people conjured spirits that did not make us long for the Reaper's sweet embrace ourselves. And among these, three tales, three ghosts, and three storytellers stood proud.

THE WINNER: Bad Seafood, come and get your picture taken on the Thunderthrone. You need to work on your proofreading, but despite a couple of slips of the keyboard, your protagonist and her ghostly friendship charmed us. Your characters had character, and I would watch a sunrise with them any time.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Echo Cian finishes second in a close race. We all thought highly of this entry, which mingled romance with gentle melancholy right up to its bittersweet end. One judge even said it gave him goosebumps--high praise considering that Thunderjudging leaves one jaded.

SurreptitiousMuffin, you wrote the best horror piece, bar none. Your gore was visceral rather than gratuitous. You handled your flash rule with aplomb. If only you'd put that ram's head on wheels... nah, that would have gilded the lily.

THE LOSER: This is where the real contention lay. No two judges agreed on who was worst of the worst. After due consideration and consultation with a Ouija board, we settled on That Old Ganon as the literary sinner with the lowest combined score. Ganon, following your plot was an unpleasant endeavor without any payoff: no laughs, no chills, and certainly no thrills, though I think I heard Rhino snore a couple of times.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: Paladinus especially should thank the spirits of his ancestors for protecting him from another black mark on his score sheet. There were a decent idea and a decent message under the ghastly prose, but they were still barely enough to save him.

Nitrousoxide contended for the loss for a good while. Why was there a robot at a concert? I don't know. Who taught that robot to summon the devil? I don't know. Why did the robot instead summon a wrestler and command him to perform genocide? I don't know, and I don't want to know.

RunningIntoWalls wrote a story in which a man ditches his date to chase a fedora. All the inherent problems with that aside, the main character's actions and the ghosts' responses made little sense.

perpetulance, you couldn't keep track of your characters, and neither could I. You were vague on too many points, leaving your story less clear than your gratuitous ghost vomit.

Some Guy TT, you submitted an entry with a cartoonish dick of a protagonist and an antagonist who cursed him to continue being a dick after death by means of a sloppy full-body kiss. I question your dedication to the no-erotica rule, sir.

elfdude, your flash rule was to write a story inspired by "The Bonnie Ship the Diamond," a Scottish sea shanty. You wrote about an Irish goddess without an ocean in sight. Ireland and Scotland are not the same thing!


To all of you, our thanks for the nightmares. Crits are in the works. Bad Seafood, you're up!

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 06:59 on Mar 18, 2014

Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)
My offer from last week still stands. I'll do a line-by-line of two entries. First come, first serve.

Mar 21, 2010
Do me!

Nov 18, 2008

Me next, please. I want to know how I managed to survive the Thunderdome :psyduck:

Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)

CommissarMega posted:

Me next, please. I want to know how I managed to survive the Thunderdome

May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator
Aww, I was too late. Should have had my lunch earlier.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.
THUNDERDOME WEEK LXXXV: Ground Control to Major Tom

(That's week the eighty-fifth for you cool cats not into Roman numerals)

This week I'm interested in stories about long distance communication. Ultra-long distance. Impossibly long distance. I want stories about intergalactic penpals and cross-dimensional chess by mail. A girl writes God a letter and God writes back. Time travelers exchange packages across the centuries. A holy man receives text messages from long-dead relations.

Do not waste my time explaining how any of this works. You don't need to justify your ludicrous correspondence to me; for your characters this is routine. Write it off as magical realism if it helps you sleep at night, or actually don't since nobody in Thunderdome can write magical realism worth a fistful of Chinese knockoff monopoly dollars.

Epistolary stories are welcome but not required. Or encouraged.

You each have 1,200 words with which to demonstrate you know absolutely nothing about the basics of story structure. You have until Friday, March 21st, 11:59 PM Pacific Standard Time to announce your participation, and two additional days after - that is until Sunday, same time - to drop out because you can't set aside a single solitary hour in between playing Titanfall and Dark Souls II to smash your head against the keyboard in some vague approximation of the English language.

Myself, Echo Cian, and God Over Djinn.

V for Vegas
Starter Wiggin
Bushido Brown
Sitting Here
The News at 5
That Old Ganon
Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi
Dr. Kloctopussy
Some Guy TT
Full Fathoms Five
A Tin Of Beans
Benny the Snake
Schneider Heim

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at 06:26 on Mar 22, 2014

Nov 18, 2008

Time to roll dem bones again, I guess. Anyone want to flash me a rule?

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.

CommissarMega posted:

Time to roll dem bones again, I guess. Anyone want to flash me a rule?

There must be a significant age discrepancy between your correspondents.

May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator
No, not in.

This is toanoradian 二千二十五 from the future. Yo, toanoradian 一 in March 18, 2013, stop being such a pussy and get in. Also get a flash rule.

toanoradian fucked around with this message at 08:52 on Mar 18, 2014

Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

I'll do this week.

The Sean
Apr 16, 2005

Am I handsome now?

While I did not have expectations to win in my first Thunderdome attempt I'm very glad not to have lost. I'd love to have some feedback about why I didn't fail completely.

edit: vvvvvvvvvvvv yeah, I saw that in Kaishai's post but I wanted to express myself anyways

The Sean fucked around with this message at 12:18 on Mar 18, 2014

Mar 5, 2004

The Sean posted:

While I did not have expectations to win in my first Thunderdome attempt I'm very glad to have not lost. I'd love to have some feedback about why I didn't fail completely.
You'll get it; crits will come later.

I'm in on this prompt

Oct 8, 2013
I'm in.

May 30, 2011

do not buy a oneplus phone

I'm in.

Mar 22, 2013

it's crow time again

"Entering every thunderdome regardless of the amount of free time you have that week is a bad idea," someone once said.

Then I punched that guy in his dumb face. That's why he only said it once.

Then I said I'm in.

Feb 15, 2005
I'm in, I want a flash rule, and I've been informed that mediocrity won't cut it anymore. If I'm not an Honorable Mention, then throws me on the loser pile.

Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
and the deranged degenerates who only want their

I'm in, definitely in.

Starter Wiggin
Feb 1, 2009

Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?
In please.

Bushido Brown
Mar 30, 2011

I want to give this Thunderdome thing a whirl. I'm in and would like a flash rule.

Jan 23, 2014

Mad Scientist


Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.

:siren:FLASHEDES RULES!!!!:siren:

Where optional (non-judge) wacky rules are fun!!

Communication is illegal and there has to be a mule.

Miss-use of sign-language can explode a man.

And remember, quote it if you're gonna use it!

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