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petrol blue
Feb 9, 2013

sugar and spice
and
ethanol slammers
Count me in.

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Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022




I guess I'll write a sto

Death Where Is Thy… Oh What’s That Word, Bees Do It

“Howard Lee. How do you plead?”

Howard glanced up. “I don’t really remember the charges. Two hundred and seven years is a long time for a trial, dude.”

“The defendant will address the court as ‘Your Honour’, or we – that is to say, I – will add contempt of court to the charge. Which was breaking the laws of nature or something and creating a heck of a lot of paperwork for us because we had to create laws recognising it was a thing and then pass decrees and this and that to allow us to retroactively charge you for it. You bastard.”

“Oh, that. Yeah I remember that.” Howard glanced at his nails. “What were the options again?”

The Judge shuffled some papers about on his desk. “Guilty, or, or, or,” more shuffling of papers, “not.”

“That first one, I guess. Lock it in.”

“OK, defendant has issued a plea, ladies and gentlemen of the-”

“Wait, I wasn’t paying attention, I think I picked the wrong one.”

“Sorry, you’ve already locked it in. Verdict, jurors?”

The head juror stood up. It had taken a while to pick the head juror – you know, that foreman guy or whatever – and the suggestion that the person with the longest beard should be elected had met with violent resistance from some of the female members. One in particular had bench pressed the gentleman with the longest beard into a catatonic state, and he’d had to be replaced. Madam foreman – head juror or whatever they’d called her, it was so long ago – stood up.

“Wait,” said Howard, “I’m sure there was some other bit.”

“Can it, weakling,” said Madam foreman. “For the crime of making us sit through this boring trial – two hundred and seven years, Howard. I oughta cram you into a locker and kick sand in your face. Where was I?”

“Verdict,” said one of the other jurors.

“Ah yes. For that one, you and that guy with the bad wig are sentenced to do two hundred and seven million push ups.” The members of the audience who were awake politely applauded this very clever example of poetic justice. The judge looked mildly put out, but what could he do, the jurors had spoken. “For the lesser crime of that whole breaking nature and stopping the very hands of death thing or whatever, you - but not the wig guy - are sentenced to be hanged by the neck until the rope snaps.”

Howard shrugged. “It’s a fair cop.”

“Push ups start now, by the way. I’ll count them out, and no, push ups on your knees do not count.”

Howard and the Judge made their way to the... oh man. Tip of my tongue. People exercise there or whatever.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022




466 words by the way, including title.

Play
Apr 25, 2006

mangey stray but still got that swagger

Roguelike posted:

******************

Play Where It Went Wrong

. . .


Hey I am really really grateful that you took the time to give me some feedback on my story and I think it was really good feedback too, the kind that I learn a lot from. I'm glad you sorta kinda didn't completely hate it too! Your effort in judging is much appreciated here.

For my money (note: I don't actually have money) I really liked the premises of crabrock and petrol blue's stories, you guys got me really interested and I thought the execution was good too, so thanks for the stories.

Finally, I'll probably regret this but count me IN

Mr_Wolf
Jun 18, 2013
In.

First Thunderdome done and dusted. I need more punishment.

Captain Trips
May 23, 2013
The sudden reminder that I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about

sentientcarbon posted:

Thunderdome LXXV: He's Not Quite Dead

I've been waiting for a good prompt to do my first 'Dome. I'll take this one. In

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Behold my brain the golden throne of my consciousness. In here I am seated. Shackled. From here I police the land.

Someone had better write a story of a germ who can't die and make it work.

E: Someone write this too:

The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 15:05 on Jan 7, 2014

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

Deny it!” cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. “Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end.”
I'm in.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

The Saddest Rhino posted:

Someone had better write a story of a germ who can't die and make it work.

E: Someone write this too:



Got it

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

Play posted:

Hey I am really really grateful that you took the time to give me some feedback on my story and I think it was really good feedback too, the kind that I learn a lot from. I'm glad you sorta kinda didn't completely hate it too! Your effort in judging is much appreciated here.

For my money (note: I don't actually have money) I really liked the premises of crabrock and petrol blue's stories, you guys got me really interested and I thought the execution was good too, so thanks for the stories.

Finally, I'll probably regret this but count me IN

Much care in this post.

:cedric: wots that guv'na, i thought careposting was forbidden

Indeed it is. :commissar:








Much like dancing.

Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)
I'm in, because I need practice on how to spell my characters' names consistently.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?

Martello posted:

:drac:

So the other two baby bitch judges are prejudiced against fantasy, uh?

for real, thanks. gonna expand and submit this one within the month.

Pfft, I never said I didn't like it because it was fantasy - it was just not in my top three DEAL WITH IT, KITTENTITS.

Anyway, in lieu of critting everybody all at once, I'm going to do a few per day until I get them all done. I've decided that I can only enter this week's dome if I get everyone critted before the sign-up deadline on Friday. In the meantime, here are the notes I made while reading so that I would remember who wrote about what and why I hated it:

Mr_Wolf:
Tense issues SO MANY AUGH
clunky prose
Ambiguous descriptions "clutching a yellow bear with one eye"
CHILD PROSTITUTION
Cliches everywhere
UGH NO.

E-Bouef:
Soviet era breaking bad?
Not sure who gets betrayed here?
Not sure why there's a mention of her doing chemistry topless? Wtf.
SOLID MEH.

Fumblemaus:
TYPO
Good dialogue, mmmm yes
Really nice continuity w/dragon/lizard metaphor - super
Nice interpretation of betrayal - really good execution of the prompt.
I'm kind of jealous.
MUCH YES.

Feste:
Dense, dense prose, long sentences = hard to read/follow
zzzzzz
the man/our man, what
I hate this a lot
takes way too long to get to the point, so much pointlessness
VERY NO

Meinberg:
Hmm not sure how I feel abt 1st/2nd business
Prose is VERY GRAND WOT WOT
"Staring in mute amazement" Show don't tell bitch
"the first" "the second" is SUPER GRATING
I guess the prompt execution is aight though
MEH.

Fartello:
Though it was going to go into a super cliche flashback, phew, it didn't
"mad eyes" BORING
LOL dog steward
My dad says "mad as a box of frogs"
Mad mad mad. There are other words for crazy, USE THEM.
"watched in horror and interest" BARF
This is PRETTY OKAY I GUESS
INTERESTED MEH.

Tyrannosaurus:
" titular timber of their community’s namesake" WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE
Liver is an organ, it doesn't attach to bone you numpty
oooh PLOT TWIST
I like the last line but literally nothing else
PRETTY MUCH NO.

Sebmojo:
Awesome little kid characterization
Confusion about who is looking at who at the dinner table
Nice writing as always, p decent betrayal
Kinda boring though?
MAYBE YES.

QUidnose:
"Alit" Awhat?
Also, what is even happening here?
Wait, I get it now I guess
Why are they talking like adults all of a sudden?
OOOH A HARSH BETRAYAL. Heartwrenching. Truly.
I THINK YES.

No Longer Flaky:
No, his hull donned a new layer of paint DUH
Um, boats are female FYI, WAY TO ADHERE TO TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES YOU SHEEP
A pot. No two pots. JUST SAY TWO.
"Passengers were thrown forward with violence as the forward momentum was broken" forward forward foward...to overdescription
"What am I, a tool?” LOL YES
Let'S just pretend this convo never happened, okay?
Personification of the boat doesn't really work?
Also the betrayal is p lame tbh
SUPER MEH.

Kleptobot:
OMFG A BITE
"Sell us down the river" LOL THEY'RE ON A BOAT
A literal stab in the back? Bitch, please.
WTF why would his brother not be horrified to get STABBED TO DEATH
This story is bad and you should feel bad
MUCH NO.

sentientcarbon:
Wow Mama is a jerk
"harsh streaks of blah blah road map face" CALM YOUR TITS MAN, we know she's ugly okay.
Nooooo Jimmmyyyy D:
Dude. Why. D: D: D:
VERY YES.

Black Griffon:
Woo scifi!
Hmmm not enough detail? I'm not sure who these people are or what their relationship is.
Stupid typos, booo
Why does he have a sword and not like, a rad space laser?
Yeah, still not clear on what's going on re: who they are.
VERY MEH.

crackrock:
Snuck. Doesn't fit with the style of narration
I like the betrayal by an inanimate object
I like this one. ANOTHER.
MUCH YES.

Schneiders Ham:
YEAH PUNCH THAT KING IN EXILE
MAD. A MAD PLAN.
This boar hunt seems like a bad idea. Haven't you read GoT?
Not seeing any betrayal here
Although I GUESS the prompt doesn't state that you have to show it.
ALMOST YES.

Nubile Hillock:
What is condensation rain.
Hmm so archology is not a weird typo, but an object? Person?
TENSE SWITCH
Why randomly shortened wor's?
LOL atlatl wtf
MEH.

Jagermonster:
Ooh political intrigue
Decent imagery, doesn't succumb to overdescribing
Solid storytelling, bravo.
PROBABLY YES.

Mercedes:
What's with the DEAREST READER business?
Nigga :[
LOL a top ranking member of PETA?
Narrator breaking 4th wall isn't consistent enough
heheh dogs with hats
"...and poo poo" really doesn't fit with overall narrative style?
Ahaha WHAT THE gently caress
What are these black jesus shenaigans
I kind of hate this.
VERY NO.

JuniperCake (DQ):
Magical realism?
Whatever, it's p well done
TENSE FAULT SIGHTED
Awww sad elephant
MAYBE YES?

petrol blue:
it's = it IS, its = usually every other instance of the word GET IT RIGHT YOU rear end in a top hat
Nice depiction of hatefulness
Uh what? I don't get the ending
MEH

ThirdEmporer (DQ):
A quarter of a fifth?? In his cups? What is this, game of thrones?
Drunk guy at a funeral, never seen that before
zzzzzzz
NO, GOD.


SilkyMuffin:
Ugh, poetry AND an in-joke, gently caress you

Play:
WEll he's not getting any money for that coke if he just GIVES IT AWAY, GOD
"shuddering orgasms" are you serious
Hi I do a bunch of drugs and have crazy sex lol im cool
This is just like, a list of stuff that happened some time. Lame.
MUCH NO.

Seldom POsts:
ARCHIE FANFIC GTFO

Kaishai:
I was a teenage girl once, it was awful.
Totally cliched depiction of ED, but the mirror self being the rational actor is kinda cool I GUESS.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT DAD
MEH.


Walamor:
CLICHED COUNTRY GAL ALERT
EXPOSITION DROP
MORE CLICHE
MEH

Nikaer Drekin:
BUTCHER BARRY LOL
Bruhl is too close to Bruh and it's annoying
HI I'm Sarah and I'm an inanimate object
OMG crime show cliches all up in here, BARF-O-RAMA
SOLID NO

uranus:
Mwahahahaha evil scientists
WHY WOULD YOU ETCH THAT POT YOU MONSTER (not that you could afford it)
Hahahaha, nice betrayal though
LOL NO.

If I missed anyone, it's because you're dead to me.

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME

quote:

If This Story Was An X-Man It Would Be:
Harry Leland.

Oof. The point of the story was supposed to be that dead guy had slept with the main characters wife and they pretty much hated each other, but looks like I completely bungled that.

In for another round, even if Chairchucker has already won.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

Fanky Malloons posted:

Pfft, I never said I didn't like it because it was fantasy - it was just not in my top three DEAL WITH IT, KITTENTITS.

Anyway, in lieu of critting everybody all at once, I'm going to do a few per day until I get them all done. I've decided that I can only enter this week's dome if I get everyone critted before the sign-up deadline on Friday. In the meantime, here are the notes I made while reading so that I would remember who wrote about what and why I hated it:

Mr_Wolf:
Tense issues SO MANY AUGH
clunky prose
Ambiguous descriptions "clutching a yellow bear with one eye"
CHILD PROSTITUTION
Cliches everywhere
UGH NO.

E-Bouef:
Soviet era breaking bad?
Not sure who gets betrayed here?
Not sure why there's a mention of her doing chemistry topless? Wtf.
SOLID MEH.

Fumblemaus:
TYPO
Good dialogue, mmmm yes
Really nice continuity w/dragon/lizard metaphor - super
Nice interpretation of betrayal - really good execution of the prompt.
I'm kind of jealous.
MUCH YES.

Feste:
Dense, dense prose, long sentences = hard to read/follow
zzzzzz
the man/our man, what
I hate this a lot
takes way too long to get to the point, so much pointlessness
VERY NO

Meinberg:
Hmm not sure how I feel abt 1st/2nd business
Prose is VERY GRAND WOT WOT
"Staring in mute amazement" Show don't tell bitch
"the first" "the second" is SUPER GRATING
I guess the prompt execution is aight though
MEH.

Fartello:
Though it was going to go into a super cliche flashback, phew, it didn't
"mad eyes" BORING
LOL dog steward
My dad says "mad as a box of frogs"
Mad mad mad. There are other words for crazy, USE THEM.
"watched in horror and interest" BARF
This is PRETTY OKAY I GUESS
INTERESTED MEH.

Tyrannosaurus:
" titular timber of their community’s namesake" WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE
Liver is an organ, it doesn't attach to bone you numpty
oooh PLOT TWIST
I like the last line but literally nothing else
PRETTY MUCH NO.

Sebmojo:
Awesome little kid characterization
Confusion about who is looking at who at the dinner table
Nice writing as always, p decent betrayal
Kinda boring though?
MAYBE YES.

QUidnose:
"Alit" Awhat?
Also, what is even happening here?
Wait, I get it now I guess
Why are they talking like adults all of a sudden?
OOOH A HARSH BETRAYAL. Heartwrenching. Truly.
I THINK YES.

No Longer Flaky:
No, his hull donned a new layer of paint DUH
Um, boats are female FYI, WAY TO ADHERE TO TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES YOU SHEEP
A pot. No two pots. JUST SAY TWO.
"Passengers were thrown forward with violence as the forward momentum was broken" forward forward foward...to overdescription
"What am I, a tool?” LOL YES
Let'S just pretend this convo never happened, okay?
Personification of the boat doesn't really work?
Also the betrayal is p lame tbh
SUPER MEH.

Kleptobot:
OMFG A BITE
"Sell us down the river" LOL THEY'RE ON A BOAT
A literal stab in the back? Bitch, please.
WTF why would his brother not be horrified to get STABBED TO DEATH
This story is bad and you should feel bad
MUCH NO.

sentientcarbon:
Wow Mama is a jerk
"harsh streaks of blah blah road map face" CALM YOUR TITS MAN, we know she's ugly okay.
Nooooo Jimmmyyyy D:
Dude. Why. D: D: D:
VERY YES.

Black Griffon:
Woo scifi!
Hmmm not enough detail? I'm not sure who these people are or what their relationship is.
Stupid typos, booo
Why does he have a sword and not like, a rad space laser?
Yeah, still not clear on what's going on re: who they are.
VERY MEH.

crackrock:
Snuck. Doesn't fit with the style of narration
I like the betrayal by an inanimate object
I like this one. ANOTHER.
MUCH YES.

Schneiders Ham:
YEAH PUNCH THAT KING IN EXILE
MAD. A MAD PLAN.
This boar hunt seems like a bad idea. Haven't you read GoT?
Not seeing any betrayal here
Although I GUESS the prompt doesn't state that you have to show it.
ALMOST YES.

Nubile Hillock:
What is condensation rain.
Hmm so archology is not a weird typo, but an object? Person?
TENSE SWITCH
Why randomly shortened wor's?
LOL atlatl wtf
MEH.

Jagermonster:
Ooh political intrigue
Decent imagery, doesn't succumb to overdescribing
Solid storytelling, bravo.
PROBABLY YES.

Mercedes:
What's with the DEAREST READER business?
Nigga :[
LOL a top ranking member of PETA?
Narrator breaking 4th wall isn't consistent enough
heheh dogs with hats
"...and poo poo" really doesn't fit with overall narrative style?
Ahaha WHAT THE gently caress
What are these black jesus shenaigans
I kind of hate this.
VERY NO.

JuniperCake (DQ):
Magical realism?
Whatever, it's p well done
TENSE FAULT SIGHTED
Awww sad elephant
MAYBE YES?

petrol blue:
it's = it IS, its = usually every other instance of the word GET IT RIGHT YOU rear end in a top hat
Nice depiction of hatefulness
Uh what? I don't get the ending
MEH

ThirdEmporer (DQ):
A quarter of a fifth?? In his cups? What is this, game of thrones?
Drunk guy at a funeral, never seen that before
zzzzzzz
NO, GOD.


SilkyMuffin:
Ugh, poetry AND an in-joke, gently caress you

Play:
WEll he's not getting any money for that coke if he just GIVES IT AWAY, GOD
"shuddering orgasms" are you serious
Hi I do a bunch of drugs and have crazy sex lol im cool
This is just like, a list of stuff that happened some time. Lame.
MUCH NO.

Seldom POsts:
ARCHIE FANFIC GTFO

Kaishai:
I was a teenage girl once, it was awful.
Totally cliched depiction of ED, but the mirror self being the rational actor is kinda cool I GUESS.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT DAD
MEH.


Walamor:
CLICHED COUNTRY GAL ALERT
EXPOSITION DROP
MORE CLICHE
MEH

Nikaer Drekin:
BUTCHER BARRY LOL
Bruhl is too close to Bruh and it's annoying
HI I'm Sarah and I'm an inanimate object
OMG crime show cliches all up in here, BARF-O-RAMA
SOLID NO

uranus:
Mwahahahaha evil scientists
WHY WOULD YOU ETCH THAT POT YOU MONSTER (not that you could afford it)
Hahahaha, nice betrayal though
LOL NO.

If I missed anyone, it's because you're dead to me.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards
I am in with a :toxx: because I am a big failure.

I love this prompt, by the way.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER
Fine. FINE. Goddammit. FINE.

I'm in.

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

inspired by but legally distinct from CATS (2019)
gently caress everything forever.

I'm in.

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again

Lipstick Apathy
Hello. I will do it.

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!

I'm down with the sickness (or, I guess, not).

In!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME





Here are some crits. Maybe the rest of the crits will be up later today, maybe they won't.

A few thoughts on 'in' jokes, since I've seen a couple complaints about them during judgment. There's like, two things happening here in TD. One of those things is that there's a bunch of people who want to get critiques on writing. The other thing is there are people who just want to post stories for fun or the amusement of other people on the internet.

I think it's pretty valid to say that a story doesn't have much in the way of broad literary merit if it's written with the intent of getting laughs from a specific audience. But we all need to remember that everyone is here for their own reasons, and the jester is as welcome on the killing fields as the knight or the ronin.

This isn't like an official stance of TD or a rule or anything, just something to keep in mind.

Anyway gently caress you all you unrelenting poo poo-eating dickwads here's some crits


Crabrock

Cool first line. N3wbs, pls pay attention to Crab’s first paragraph because it is a good one. This line of reasoning:

quote:

I figured what better way to prove I’ve got morals and sanity in spades than to acquire a six-shooter, barrel into a town and plug the grimiest miscreant I see

didn’t really make sense to me but ok. This is a guy who’s BFFs with his gun, so….

What I like about this story, other than the writing, is that it’s an interesting spin on the staunch-allies-turned-bitter-enemies thing. Yeah the gun is his “friend” but like this guy is nuts, and at the end of everything, he was both his own friend and his own worst enemy.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Click like



Sebmojo


‘Mojo. As always, you’ve got these details that make me go “aha! I know exactly what you mean!” Little stuff, like using your foot to check your speed on a little kid’s bike. Also I would swear you were a little girl in a past life, ‘cause Sharon and Tracy’s childhood friendship is spot on.

I feel like maybe the names got mixed up at one point:

quote:

Sharon, Aaron and James turned to her. The conversation she’d[Sharon] heard through the door didn’t continue. Tracey smiled and said…

Overall I liked this. I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to relate to at the end, though. Which isn’t a bad thing, if that’s how you meant me to feel. Tracy isn’t really entitled, as Sharon accuses her of being, but she is pretty oblivious. It’s clear that in their childhood, Sharon had like an ingrained sense of entitlement, so her last line at the end is pure irony. The husbands appear to be a couple of regular ‘Zealand dudebros. I certainly got the sense that Sharon thought throwing her wine on Tracy was like, the culmination of all this bullshit, but the reader can see pretty clearly that Sharon is also holding onto the idea of being the “better” one.

Also, coquettishly is one of my favorite adverbs.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Read the resulting comment thread, formulate a paragraphs-long reply that I delete three times, click ‘like’, write another paragraphs-long reply, delete that one, settle for going through and ‘liking’ commenters who I agree with.


Tyrannosaurus

Can I just like right here right now put a moratorium on “this mostly consisted of…” or “Which consisted off…”-type statements in fiction. Don’t tell me what a thing “mostly consisted of” TELL ME ABOUT THING.

Also, this sentence:

quote:

His eyes landed on Stump’s scarred, smiling face

His body part did a thing to other character’s body part. This is something I see a lot here in the Thunderdome. Tip: Once you’ve established who the POV character is, you only need to give readers a very small amount of narrative guidance to remind us that, in this case, Gulper is sort of the eyes and ears of the story. So like, you can just tell us Stump was smiling. We don’t need to be told that Gulper’s body part was doing the perceiving of the smiling of Stump.

Okay so plot. Actually, the structure of the plot works. Fish are as friendly with each other as fish can be, one fish’s attempt at neighborliness is thwarted by the other fish’s ignorance of how to eat floating meat, I guess; frustration causes tension, tension causes a fight, Gulper comes out triumphant but gets his comeuppance for being kind of a dick. I pictured this whole story in old Warner Brothers style animation so that’s cool.

I think it falls slightly short of the prompt, since these fish were explicitly not BFFs or anything. But as its own thing, the plot more or less works, in a very general sense of the word. The writing is wobbly, can’t do a line by line but keep an eye out for stuff like what I mentioned above.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Scroll past it at first but maybe go back for a second look later. Would consider ‘liking’ it, but ultimately would alt+tab to GBS 2.1



Erogenous Beef


ugh I hate critting your stories. Which isn’t to say that I dislike reading them. They’re good, that’s what sucks.

In this case, what didn’t hit the spot for me was the ending. We’re left to assume that Elba decided not to present her new formula? But I’m not sure why, exactly. I can’t project what the consequences of her saying that the Americans have nothing to add to the discussion are. She won’t get her green card, but she was already in the position of not having a green card. Was her plan to get stuck in Geneva and then leave with her brother? Sell the formula to the Russians?

I may be dense. So yeah, this worked super well for me, up until that very last bit.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Repost it to look smart without knowing what I was talking about.


Mr_Wolf


Ahem.


quote:

I push the gun into her head. I feel her push back so I kick her hard in the bottom of her spine. The base of her neck was glistening with sweat, her ponytail was matted with blood…


Right off the bat we got a motherfuckin tense shift. Don’t do a tense shifts, bro.

This story is like a big wad of random details about a gritty dystopia with a bit of plot about some dudes trying to get money from scummy people and loving up because the narrator is a softy, I guess.

I didn’t really get the point of the scene where he’s like, supporting the kid by having her essentially straddle him as she’s dying? Like, it seemed like a weird and unnecessary detail, especially given that the narrator is going to be dead in a matter of seconds.

If this was posted on Facebook I would
: Double check how we knew each other



Fumblemouse


I’m always a fan of stories where myth parallels the mundane. I liked the way you created parallel personalities, dragon and taniwha, in Chris and Tipene. I felt like the dragon analogy was weakened by making Tipene see the judge as a dragon (or something dragon-like, you never use the word dragon w/ regards to her), since the metaphor was so vividly done with Chris’s drug addiction, never being satisfied, always looking for the next thing, etc.

I wanted the ending line to be more germane to the themes you built up in the story. The stench of betrayal or whatever is just a little bit cliche. It’s not something that leaves you with an impactful sense of how wide the rift between these two characters is.

Otherwise I liked it quite a bit.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Click ‘like’ and then stalk ur profile



Feste

So the very, very end of your story? Yeah. That’s when anything interesting at all happens. This guy pacing around the room, leaning on the table, sitting, standing, this VERB man...I don’t care about him. He doesn’t even have a name.

I’m not going to lie, a lot of the details in this piece were lost on me. It felt like reading a biography about nameless strangers. The detail about their family being hacked to death? It barely registered with me.

So there was this show/tell argument happening in the fiction advice thread. I would call this an example of too much telling. Start closer to the meeting at the end. Show the strain that death and ambition has had on this father and son’s relationship. With regards to the prompt, had I not known what the prompt was, I would’ve had no idea where the story was going until the very end.

In this case, I feel like the sort of omniscient narrator was a bad choice, just because this prompt sort of begged for an immediate, emotionally-attuned point of view.

The writing itself was waaaay flowery and there were some weirdly constructed sentences.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: see that it was a rambling, overwrought note about the tragic state of some acquaintance’s life and keep scrolling.



Nubile Hillock

This kind of missed the mark on the prompt, I think. Like these characters were forced into being enemies, sort of, but I didn’t really get the “staunchest of allies” vibe. The writing itself isn’t bad (other than a couple comma issues but I have too many of these to do a line-by-line), in that the action is all clear and I had a pretty good idea of the space your characters were in.

One thing I didn’t like was that you kept saying “they”, when the narrator seemed to easily deduce that it was Cassy.

So but yeah, the focus in this story was primarily the action and environment, which were pretty good! But the characterization suffered for it, and characterization is key for this prompt IMO.

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Click on a “best Vines of 2013” video, curse myself a half an hour later for wasting 30 minutes watching a bunch of people doing 15 seconds of random poo poo



No Longer Flakey


That first sentence is a bitch to parse. When I gotta stop and make sure I am reading your first sentence correctly, I’m already working harder than I want to for a story you haven’t given me much of a reason to care about yet.

It took me a good couple paragraphs to sort out that this story was literally about a self aware boat. This boat, among other things, paints itself black. It also uses the eff word.

So the ocean is a dick for taking out it’s anger at humans on the boat. The boat is a dick for being like, raaawr I’m going to steal all ur fish”. In the end, they fight and the boat dies.

This story leaves me with so many questions. So like, if the ocean can just destroy boats at will, why doesn’t it just gently caress up humanity’s day? How does a boat paint itself? Does anyone steer the boat?

If this was posted on Facebook I would: Wonder why I knew someone who wrote Thomas the Tank Engine fanfic

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Going to give this a shot.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME





Also lol f u judges I'm in

petrol blue
Feb 9, 2013

sugar and spice
and
ethanol slammers

Fanky Malloons posted:

petrol blue:
it's = it IS, its = usually every other instance of the word GET IT RIGHT YOU rear end in a top hat

Oh, huh. Thanks, I'd always thought "it's" was the possesive. Duly noted, :patriot:, etc.

e: It was a drunk challenge, but I made it all the same: Purple Prince, do I gotta slap some words outta you?

petrol blue fucked around with this message at 18:12 on Jan 7, 2014

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER
The toy's robotic arm.
It's robotic arm.

Is that wrong?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME





magnificent7 posted:

The toy's robotic arm.
It's robotic arm.

Is that wrong?

yes

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

I

AM

MAGNIFICENT






magnificent7 posted:

The toy's robotic arm.
It's robotic arm.

Is that wrong?

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+use+it%27s

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

magnificent7 posted:

The toy's robotic arm.
It's robotic arm.

Is that wrong?

Yes. It's is only ever used for 'it is' or 'it has.' The possessive is its, no apostrophe. Here is a link discussing this in more detail.

inthesto
May 12, 2010

Pro is an amazing name!

magnificent7 posted:

The toy's robotic arm.
It's robotic arm.

Is that wrong?

If you're looking for consistency in grammatical rules, boy are you using the wrong language

girl dick energy
Sep 30, 2009

You think you have the wherewithal to figure out my puzzle vagina?
See, the problem is you're looking at it's like it's his, when it's actually he's.

The toy's robotic arm.
His robotic arm.
Its robotic arm.


All correct.

He's robotic arm.
It's robotic arm.


Both incorrect.

Make sense?

girl dick energy fucked around with this message at 19:06 on Jan 7, 2014

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People
In.

I am going to post the entire script of that one Family Guy episode.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER
THANK YOU ALL! yes makes sense.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









magnificent7 posted:

THANK YOU ALL! yes makes sense.

"Shut up," Tom suggested politely.

:siren:RADIOACTIVE loving FAILUREBEARS VS BITCHTITS MCFAILURE NON-BRAWL OH GOD THE RAGE:siren:

Since neither of these two stains on god's green earth chose to write a single loving word of their brawl I am declaring them both to be failures so total that the Hindenberg would look at them and go 'hey I'm not so bad y'know I might have exploded in a huge fireball and killed everyone within a thousand yards but at least I'm not those two CHUCKLEFUCKS.'

DOUBLE LOSS.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 09:37 on May 14, 2014

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

Fanky Malloons posted:

Mercedes:
Nigga :[
What are these black jesus shenaigans

Mercedes is a irl black man pls check your filthy white Anglo-Canadian privilege tia

sentientcarbon
Aug 21, 2008

OFFLINE GAMES ARE THE FUTURE OF ONLINE GAMING

The numbers don't lie. 99.99% of every Diablo 3 player wants the game to be offline. This is a FACT.

OH SHIT IS THAT A WEBCAM? HOLY CRAP GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! (I am terrified of being spied on, because I am a very interesting person)

The Leper Colon V posted:

Did someone really red-text you for saying you wanted offline play in Diablo 3?

Yep. Diablo 3 ain't nothing to gently caress with, apparently.


loving hell a lot of people are signing up. The crown of Thunderdome is heavy. And itchy. I'll do you for this, Roguelike.

Side note, I don't have PM's because they're for prattling sissy boys. How do judges normally communicate? PM's? Morse code? ..---.-...-.--.---.-.-.--...-.-.-.---.-..-....-..., etc.

EDIT:

Roguelike posted:

If This Story Was An X-Man It Would Be:
Magneto.

I like this comparison more than the fact that I won.

VVV Gracias

sentientcarbon fucked around with this message at 23:44 on Jan 7, 2014

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW
get on #kyrena

synirc

Bigup DJ
Nov 8, 2012
You can count me in on this no-death story.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?

sebmojo posted:


DOUBLE LOSS.

Ihmemies
Oct 6, 2012

Last time I wrote fiction (excluding exam answers) was maybe 13 years ago. Thought about the worst thing which could happen, and that's winning and having to figure out a new prompt.

I'm in. I heard fresh meat is tender.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER

sebmojo posted:

"Shut up," Tom suggested politely.

:siren:RADIOACTIVE loving FAILUREBEARS VS BITCHTITS MCFAILURE NON-BRAWL OH GOD THE RAGE:siren:

Since neither of these two stains on god's green earth chose to write a single loving word of their brawl I am declaring them both to be failures so total that the Hindenberg would look at them and go 'hey I'm not so bad y'know I might have exploded in a huge fireball and killed everyone within a thousand yards but at least I'm not those two chucklefucks.'

DOUBLE LOSS.

Are you even using real words, crabs magnet?

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ReptileChillock
Jan 7, 2014

by Lowtax
FYI I'm back in a new body b/c I did a dumb thing in a gibbis

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