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I have tasted blood and desire more. In.
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# ? Apr 7, 2014 22:07 |
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# ? Dec 11, 2024 16:21 |
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I am in. Whether that's foolish or wise
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# ? Apr 7, 2014 22:21 |
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In. Just in. No fooling around this time.
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# ? Apr 7, 2014 22:27 |
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Well, I completely failed to write anything this week, but I did do QuickCrits for you assholes, so at least I accomplished something (haha, just kidding, my life is a lie). These are far from comprehensive, and I recommend that the majority of you go back through previous judging posts and glean what general tips you might from them (in particular Erogenous Beef's; those are good), since a lot of you don't know how to write a story. If you want more out of me, too loving bad. Here's what you get: kwasimodick – Untitled Everyone’s already yelled at you for not putting a golden bean in this, so I won’t jump on that wagon. I like to imagine that the dad in your story became an angel at the end, somehow fulfilling the prompt, and not making this just another drive-by troll. But I live in a fantasy world, soooo… Gau – The Suffering Sister Your opening paragraph is truly awful. Short, disjointed thoughts clumsily put together, confusing sentences and a tense change slapped on to the end adding insult to injury. If we did a DM for worst first paragraph this week I would be gunning for you to take it. The most interesting part of your story (the characters questioning God, making the decision to return to Earth) happens before your story begins. What is mentioned of it is entirely telling, and therefore Bad. At the end of the story the only thing different is that what’s-her-name and Jeremiah are back together, through absolutely no effort on her part. No character development, no choices, no story. You could maybe make a story out of this by showing the original decision of the characters to leave heaven, but then you’ve just got a story that’s been done to death already. Thalamas- The Inside Job Super jumbled, deus ex machina at the end out of nowhere, character development was forced pretty hard (also he committed assault and theft in order to repent his sins, lol). I did like that the title changed meaning after reading the story, so there's that. Tyrannosaurus – Testify I actually thought this story was pretty great, although I can hear my mother screaming that a little girl should be wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle when I read it. Is it a little cliché? Sure, but I don’t really mind too much. Only quibble I have (and this got you DQed from winning) is that there’s no angel. Sorry, bro, prompt said real angel of a god, not a Hell’s Angel Who Does Good Work. Runningintowalls – The Visitor Whole big pile of “so what” going on up in here. You almost had some character development, but it was entirely out of the protagonist’s hands (and who was the protag, now that I’m thinking of it? You switched POV so much that I was unclear on whether I was reading about Maggie’s life or Joanna’s), and Kelly showing up was kind of nonsensical. Also, for gently caress’s sake, questions need a question mark at the end of them, regardless of whether or not they’re part of dialogue. Some Guy TT – For the Glory of God I can see what you’re trying to do with the opening paragraph, but you’ve somehow managed to make insanely bloody medieval warfare suuuuuper boring. This was “I had to stop reading and force myself to come back to it” bad. Okay, so you have a character that’s perpetually bored (not good), he hears some ideas that shake up his world view and find that they are changing him (okay, not bad), kills some random dude and does some boring pondering about it (bluh), and then magically wakes up and decides to kill everyone (what). You have a lot of boring exposition, and then some clunky action, and then a weird and stupid ending that makes no sense. I hate you. God Over Djinn – Reapers and Sowers I… kind of don’t get your story. Your main character is a douche that never changes, the angels actions and purpose make almost no sense, and Sarah feels super flimsy as a character. Your main character doesn’t really do anything to achieve his goal, and his relationship with Sarah before the story isn’t made particularly clear, so I’m not even sure that anything changes from the beginning of your story to the end. This kind of reads like a teenslpoitation short with a paranormal twist. Didn’t hate it, but I didn’t really like it much, either. tenniseveryone – Mixed Blessing Didn’t sebmojo JUST yell at your about not putting line breaks in between paragraphs? PUT LINE BREAKS BETWEEN ALL OF YOUR PARAGRAPHS. ALL OF THEM. Shouldn’t the angel know who the child’s real father is? Isn’t that kind of the whole point of “an omnipotent being is sending a messenger to tell you that you’re pregnant, and also the future disposition of said child”? It kind of takes the punch out of the “who’s the father” Maurray poo poo you’ve got going at the end there. You’ve also got no character choices, and nothing different at the end of the story except that now she knows she’s pregnant (although if she already had a pregnancy test…? I don’t know, you have some weird clumsy telegraphing going on in this thing). Erogenous Beef – Concessions Ehhhhh, I thought this was a little weak. I liked what you were going for, but it felt rushed, and frankly a little stereotypical. I enjoyed the resolution, but the setup wasn’t really doing it for me. If anything, I might have cut the entire daddy-daughter scene and fleshed out the robbery more, but without a word count to worry about, you could just as easily expand the whole thing at this point and wind up with a better story. ZorajitZorajit – Burning Bright I liked your first paragraph, but you started to lose me with the second. I dislike “the fingers” “the lips” (which somehow have a mind of their own with which to consider things!) etc. You had your artsy setup, now give me a character, goddamnit. Oh god, the whole thing is like this, isn’t it. gently caress. gently caress you. Paladinus – Angel of Light Okay, end of third paragraph, I have my ending prediction: protagonist ends up in Hell. … WELL WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT. This is clumsily written and bad on several levels (predictable, stupid, and no real character development), but at least there were characters and you’re not in love with your own terrible writing. So, uh, thanks? Maultaschen – In the Wind Cute kid, bad dialog. On a weird picky note, I’m not really sure an owl could break a bay window. “A year to ten seconds later” is something that probably sounded like a good idea while you were writing it, but really ought to have been cut during editing. Uh, cool ending, I guess? I think maybe the woman in the house was supposed to be Shanna’s mother? I don’t know, this didn’t make a lot of sense. Your character didn’t change or make any choices, or even really have a conflict, he(?) just… Bumbled along, while some birds and some tarps flapped about in the wind (you can’t hear owls flapping, btw; it’s one of their distinguishing features as a species). WeLandedOnTheMoon! – The Chronicle of Clifford Johnson Part 6: Black on Blaq Crime I don’t even know if I should bother judging this, or if I should let Merc deal with it. OH WELL, TOO LATE. Nonsensical and occasionally clumsy, but in a fun way. Very Mercedes. Not gonna win you anything in the main event, but a good Black Jesus Contender. Fumblemouse – Falling Angels Ah, this is sweet. Thanks for not making me want to kill myself, FM. crabrock – Angelic I won’t lie to you, this kind of reads like a hosed Up Wasp story. I was actually hoping it was a hosed Up Wasp story. You know, along with “and it was all a dream,” one of the big ending clichés is “and it turned out they were Adam and Eve.” I feel like “and he was the snake in the Garden of Eden” fits into that category. I want to ding you for that, but it works with your story, so I guess I can’t complain too much. perpetulance – Clipped Wings You need some italics or something to differentiate characters’ thoughts from the general narration. Huh, I didn’t hate this. No real character development, but interesting in a way that I didn’t see many people pull off this week. Not bad. Kaishai – Angel of the Morning The ending of this one felt way too clean. It was nice, in a childish way, but the whole thing worked out way too well for everyone, so nothing you established within the narrative seemed to matter at all. I wasn’t nuts about it, but it’s well-written, as always. sebmojo - The gaps between I quite liked this one. It seemed like with angel week people went one of two ways for the most part: sweet or gritty. This was well-done gritty angel stuff. I wanted you to win, to be honest. Sorry, bro. Jonked – The Holy Flame Several instances in your story where you really ought to have proofread, but I’m not going to go through all of them. Judge starts as a “he” then becomes an “it,” although there’s only one instance of “he,” so I think this was just a typo. And then it ended. I didn’t feel any connection to the protagonist and didn’t really care when (he? She? It?) died. Wasn’t super clear on what was supposed to be going on, either. ravenkult – אוֹפַנִּים (or, Throne) Paragraph breaks, yo. I know it looks dumb when it’s just a bunch of single lines of dialogue, but it really goes a long way in not annoying your reader. You’ve got what I suspect are missing words in one or two places that really muddle your meaning. There are definitely some things that would benefit from proofreading, but overall your prose is pretty good. Welp. You lost me with the ending. The rest was not-terribly executed, but the ending was just dumb. I have a seriously difficult time believing that anyone would fail to mention that particular message for that long. Sitting Here – All Too Soon Wow, Nichole really has it together for a kid in high school. This is another really sweet story. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since it’s a week about angels. I liked it. Benny the Snake – Angel of Sorrows The phrase “distinguish them apart” ought to get you bopped on the nose with a newspaper in a just world. Also “who’s” instead of “whose,” and so goddamn many missed commas, augh we’re not even out of the first paragraph fuuuuck. I’m not sure whether to praise you for using so many autobiographical details in this one, or whether to call you lazy. I would like to see you break out of the Hispanic-narrator rut (branching out is good while you’re still finding your voice; don’t get too attached to a particular theme or style too early or you’ll stagnate), but I am happy to see that there was no murder this time, and no one called anyone else “holmes.” Not great, but you’ve done worse. lambeth – Choices Is this about killing Hitler? Oh boy, I hope it’s about killing Hitler. Dialogue needs its own paragraph. Not about killing Hitler. Very disappointed. Yeah, this was sort of bland and uninteresting. I didn't care much about the characters, and the fallen angel seemed pretty flimsy. Starter Wiggin – Breaking Point Man, there’s a looooooooot of telling and not a lot of showing in this joint. How does the protagonist even know all of this stuff if Geneva never talked to him (her? It?)? This story makes no sense, there’s no growth, and all of the interesting parts take place outside of the reader’s purview. You might have managed an interesting story out of this one if you actually showed anything instead of just throwing exposition that makes no sense at your reader, but alas. Phobia – Angel of Death AND HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME. You, also, would receive a newspaper nose-bop in a just world. This was pretty dumb. Protip: just because you’re putting your clumsy exposition into your story as dialogue doesn’t mean it’s not clumsy exposition. Fanky Malloons – Audrey I somehow completely missed reading this one last night! Whoops! I think Merc really said most of what could be said about it. I liked Black Jesus hanging out with hookers. Would have liked to know more about Audrey, since she seemed a little flat as it was. Nitrousoxide – Payment Lol at “glock.” Also, silver bullets? Please no werewolves. I’ve made it this far. Why did the angel pick him up just to drop him again immediately? Let go of your hatred, you must. A plan for you, God has. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Your ending, man. elfdude – An arrow apart. You’ve got some work to do still with commas and making sure your sentence is saying what you want it to say. There were a lot of errors in this, and several sentences that were drat near impossible to parse. This story is pretty dumb. I hate Sophia, and Lucifer is boring. I get the feeling you were trying to write Lucifer as charming, but he comes off flat and creepy. If he had been wearing a fedora and Sophia had been completely repulsed by him it would have been at least funny, but as it is the chemistry between the two comes off as unbelievable. You described her as matronly, not naïve and overly-impressionable. Plus, y’know, nothing really changes from the beginning of the story to the end. curlingiron fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Apr 7, 2014 |
# ? Apr 7, 2014 22:40 |
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Only fools rush in.
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# ? Apr 7, 2014 23:07 |
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In, and could I get a flash rule please?
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:01 |
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A few more crits from last week.HopperUK posted:Sorcha and the Mirror (1092 words) Tyrannosaurus posted:A Quick Drop and a Sudden Stop docbeard posted:Trading Songs God Over Djinn posted:The nearest exit may be behind you (1099 words)
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:01 |
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Hmmm yeah I'm in nuts to you, judges!!
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:17 |
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Forgive me, Thunderdome, for I have sinned. As penance for my crime, I will do in-depth crits for the first three people to ask.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:40 |
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FOOLS! I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL WITH MY WISDOM! Wait how does this work again? (In)
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:42 |
A Tin Of Beans posted:Forgive me, Thunderdome, for I have sinned. Me please.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:47 |
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A Tin Of Beans posted:Forgive me, Thunderdome, for I have sinned. I'll need a third rear end in a top hat to go with the second I'm anticipating soon.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 00:52 |
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A Tin Of Beans posted:Forgive me, Thunderdome, for I have sinned. Yes please kind tin.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 01:08 |
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In.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 01:26 |
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RunningIntoWalls posted:Dollar Bill Lane - 1,068 words
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 01:50 |
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Thank you sebmojo. I appreciate the help. edit: Why not, in. Only way to get better is keep trying and learning from past mistakes. RunningIntoWalls fucked around with this message at 02:36 on Apr 8, 2014 |
# ? Apr 8, 2014 02:26 |
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RunningIntoWalls posted:
FTFY. Otherwise this, this right here is the correct attitude.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 03:09 |
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Jonked posted:The Final Chore Chairchucker posted:737 words Whalley posted:Peel Out If I haven't done you I'll get to you just to forestall any whimpers and quivering lips. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 05:21 on Apr 8, 2014 |
# ? Apr 8, 2014 04:09 |
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Tyrannosaurus posted:Crabrock and Sitting Here Brawl Mom, http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/brawls.php?story=150 723 words crabrock fucked around with this message at 06:50 on Jul 1, 2014 |
# ? Apr 8, 2014 04:38 |
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It's been a while, but I am in!
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 04:46 |
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I totally forgot to ask for volunteers for co-judging. It's easy work, and at almost no point will you have to read *Almost no point. Maybe one point, tops. **Offer not valid in biscuit-hating districts like the one you probably live in Fumblemouse fucked around with this message at 20:21 on Apr 8, 2014 |
# ? Apr 8, 2014 05:00 |
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The News at 5 posted:In, and could I get a flash rule please? Your fool is on the idiot box (e.g. tv, youtube etc)
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 05:08 |
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Thank you for tearing yourself away from [Kiwi stereotype about rugby or animal husbandry, you pick] to write some crits, Mojo old chap. Spiffing. Top shelf.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 07:04 |
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here is a story for my crabbrawl with Crabrock On loving Off WC: 750 I first met Cassidy when I was eighteen and she was twenty-two, down outside the Showbox where she was busking for the lines under the marquee. It was her, her guitar, and a voice like a banshee. Her sounds didn't even bother with 'bad', howled straight into antagonistic territory. I didn't have a ticket, and no one wanted to sell me one for the five bucks and pack of cigarettes that were all I had to my name. So much for free dope. Then I heard Cassidy wailing, saw her in her faux-ripped denim vest. But her shoes were new, and no one busking in a gettup like that would have new shoes unless they were also dealing. I noticed some percussion-type stuff behind her, buckets and mallets and boxes, and walked up to the banshee. "Can I join?" I said, nodding at the makeshift drum kit. Without missing a beat in her non-song, she nodded. I crouched down on the sidewalk behind her and we jammed. - It turned out that, yes, Cassidy had free dope, but she didn't deal. Mostly she was sponsored by sympathetic relatives and disability checks, lived practically rent-free in some converted house in Georgetown where her neighbors did domestic disputes in the ricketty hallway every night. I followed her from sidewalk to sidewalk and our sounds got a tiny, cult-type following, people who would show up at our likely spots (outside small gigs, mainly) just to hear our ruckus. One night Cassidy stopped playing, looked up into the eyes of the watchers and yelled, "we're not gonna gently caress off until everyone one of you fuckers begs us to gently caress off!" She thrust her hand into the air, middle finger turgid in the streetlamp light. "We're not stopping until I see two of these from everyone." She brought her hand down on the strings. The guitar shrieked distortion and tunelessness through the small portable amp. I banged buckets. Someone held a blunt to my lips. I inhaled. When the paid gig inside was over and the drunks spilled out onto our stage, she screamed her challenge again. It was the cops who had to come give us that decisive middle finger, and we went home together laughing. - We were at the edge of the western world, ankle deep in agitated surf. The Pacific Ocean roared, Cassidy roared back. "It just isn't the same. Doesn't mean anything anymore," she'd said on the drive out to Ocean Shores. She was bored of our busking, of the Cult of the Middle Finger. We were both up to a pack a day and an ounce a week, in terms of smokeables. She was looking worse for wear than me, like life was happening to her faster and harder. She cursed the ocean until her voice was hoarse, cursed her mother and her father and men and women and every goddamn loving human walking this hosed Earth. I think she was waiting for some big wave, her wave, to rise out of the Pacific and drag her in, snarling and swearing. Later, in a raspy voice, she told me, "I'm gonna die at twenty-seven. I know everyone wants to die at twenty-seven, because rock stars. But I can feel it, I'm supposed to. And then you've gotta tell the world about me, okay?" I nodded, rolled a joint with the tips of my fingers. "I just hope it's something big," she said. "I want to die living, you know?" We slept on the beach, woke up side by side, coughed up phlegm into the sand together. - - I flew home to see Cassidy on her thirty-first birthday. I let myself in. The smell of cigarettes in her rent-controlled studio apartment made my arm itch where the nicotine patch was. Cassidy was spread out on the sagging couch like she'd grown there. Her cheeks were splotchy and grey. "I thought about killing myself this time last year," she said. I waved away the crusty bong she offered me. I shrugged. "Things change," I said. "No one but you said you needed to die." "But I am dead. I'm dead and this is just an empty film reel spinning on and on and...." I stayed the afternoon, then made my excuses. "You think you're still alive," was the last thing Cassidy said to me before I closed the door. Speeding down the freeway in the rental car, away from Cassidy, I realized I didn't know where I was going. The speedometer crept higher and higher.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 08:56 |
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Chairchucker posted:Thank you for tearing yourself away from [Kiwi stereotype about rugby or animal husbandry, you pick] to write some crits, Mojo old chap. Spiffing. Top shelf. Not a problem, mate! I also toned down some expletives in case you found them troublesome. Throw a prawn at the barbie for me!
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 09:08 |
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Nitrousoxide posted:Me please. The biggest question I have about literally everything in your story is "why." World's angriest pizza delivery driver thinks about shooting a guy, freaks out and trembles upon realizing what a dark act he was considering, then straight up MURDERS ONE OF GOD'S ANGELS. Why the hell was he worried about shooting some dude if he's going to straight up murder an angel for cash? I assume it's cash. Is it cash in the bag? Was he especially hard up for money? You could make this story work, but you need to think a little harder about character motivations. Show us more about why Chuck does what he does, give us a hint of what drove him to murder a drat angel. He seems surprised to have run into one, then murders it anyway, which was apparently planned out in advance. I'm so confused. Also, you should get a DQ for erotica because Chuck sits around fingering his glock for a bit. Gross. Detailed crit here.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 17:35 |
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In. But you're not gonna like it.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 17:56 |
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Gau posted:I'll need a third rear end in a top hat to go with the second I'm anticipating soon. How many assholes does one human truly need? This and more, tonight on NBC 5. Anyway, your story! It was competently written, and you almost fooled me into thinking it was great. You were so close, Gau. So close. The biggest thing is that you wrote a lot of words, told us about some times your character did or achieved things, and then rolled on by. We hear about a few decisions she makes but don't get to see their impact, since they happen in the past - Mallory and Jeremiah deciding to leave heaven - or don't get to resolve, like her helping the dude at the bar. Also, she gets injured and has to lie around waiting to die until a dude swoops in to save her. Great. Cool. We got an angel in the machine instead of a god. Ultimately, this feels more like the set-up to something a lot longer. For that, it works. For a self contained piece, not so much. I did genuinely enjoy a lot of what you sketched out here, though. Detailed crit here.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 18:18 |
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I'm always looking for new ways to embarrass myself on the internet. Count me in and sign me up.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 18:38 |
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New to the game but I'm throwing down.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 20:04 |
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Arena Brawl I need two volunteers, looking for people who've done a few rounds but haven't won. There is glory here for the grasping. Do not let it lie.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 21:51 |
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sebmojo posted:Arena Brawl Just got an opening in my schedule so I'll take a bite at this.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 22:38 |
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quote:The Sebmojo Challenge I am game. The News at 5 fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Apr 8, 2014 |
# ? Apr 8, 2014 22:47 |
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In for this week, to glory or to failure.
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# ? Apr 8, 2014 22:48 |
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QuoProNews Day Arena BrawlQuoProQuid posted:Just got an opening in my schedule so I'll take a bite at this. The News at 5 posted:I am game. This is how it's gonna work. First: I want 600 words on vampires and small town sports teams that is not reminiscent of any vampire fiction you've read or heard of. I want it posted before Thursday 10 April 2359 PST. Second: Once you've both submitted you have 24 hours to objectively crit both your piece and your competitors. Post your crits, and your choice of victor, at 11 April 2359 PST on the dot. The exact time for posting the crits is flexible if that doesn't work with your lives, but I want the posting to be as close to simultaneous as possible. And it goes without saying that you should not collaborate or discuss. Penalties will be assigned for incorrect crits. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 23:54 on Apr 8, 2014 |
# ? Apr 8, 2014 23:04 |
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I'm in.
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# ? Apr 9, 2014 00:21 |
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Hey Tin of Beans, am I too late to ask for an in-depth crit?
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# ? Apr 9, 2014 02:58 |
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Everybody in the TD IRC agrees that all the new people who are coming in and giving crits are loving awesome. Others take note, and consider offering a crit up to fellow TDers. Everybody's crit is valid, even if you don't think you're the best writer. The Fiction Advice thread has a couple good tips on what to crit in the last few posts, if you're unsure. With so many people writing every week, it's really hard for the judges to commit to critting 30k words, so hats off to anybody taking the initiative to do crits, and reminding everybody else that this is absolutely something you should do.
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# ? Apr 9, 2014 04:55 |
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Toward that end, I am once again willing to do a couple of line-by-line critiques this week. The usual arrangement (crit someone else, ask me in bold easily seen letters to crit your thing) applies. I may also, depending on personal whims and the mandate of prophecy, choose some stories at random or not-random to critique. Also I would like a flash rule for my foolish wise story thing.
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# ? Apr 9, 2014 12:58 |
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# ? Dec 11, 2024 16:21 |
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docbeard posted:Also I would like a flash rule for my foolish wise story thing. Your fool is an expert at malapropisms
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# ? Apr 9, 2014 13:07 |