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GlyphGryph
Jun 23, 2013


anime was right posted:

thanks for the crit thranguy

Same.

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Good critting.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




Oh, I'm in with a winner.

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


Thanks for the crits, judges! :)

GlyphGryph
Jun 23, 2013


And these are the last two I had crits done for. If I missed you and you want one (for this week, last week, whatever, I don't care) let me know and read and write something up.

Rhapsody for Asa - Nikaer Drekin
Overall, this story was a bit of a rollercoaster ride. It started off really strong, made me want to know what would happen next, why I had to understand that Asa liked bread, why I had to understand why the field was small, and it let me connect to both the speaker and Asa.

And then it all went downhill. Asa leads them into the woods abruptly and for no reason. Okay, fine. Then there's a scream! I guess? Why was there a scream? I thought it was from Asa at first and then I reread it and realized it wasn't, so if there has to be a scream might want to specify it was from something/someone else because I was confused. But it didn't really matter because screams in the woods were never mentioned again and it seemed like a cheap way to announce "and now, feel tension and danger!" but I didn't. And then there was a bunch of low quality telling about stuff. And than there monster that was basically a bear? And the main character trips because...? And the monster killed Asa and then it died and like the scream its relevance from the story was gone and then a guy shows up who we are told is a real badass even though all he does is shoot some things, do a bit of hand waving in response to out of the blue weird requests (he normally has the power to bring people back to life but not today? Why!?) and then he too departs from the story having fulfilled his deus ex machina role in executing the villain ex machine and delivering to us the reader some unneccesary background.

The biggest problem with this whole section is that you could have easily replaced the whole thing with the kid tripping and hitting his head on a rock and dying and you'd have managed more emotional impact than you did here.

The ending was alright, but by the time I got there the magic of the opening had been lost (and also it was telegraphed like a mile away), and it didn't even really explain why it was so important I know this stuff, it turned out just to be an old person tellling stories for no real reason.

This story is my worst story of the weak for driving up in a nice car, promising me a really sweet ride, and then promptly driving off a cliff into a lake. So much wasted potential.

Camp Holloway - Epoch
War list was unconvincing at supporting the statement. Perfect Dark was a good game but probably it was supposed to be perfect darkness instead. I am still just as confused as the main character as to why the father asked him about the Airmen. After this we start the actual story I guess but what was everything up until this point actually for? I do not know. Even speaking as someone who knows what the tuskagee experiments were this was a bit confusing, and then the story acts like I should know what Maddox is but I have no clue.

Awkward phrasing abounds, even on reread I kept stopping mid sentence here and there, but the transition from not totally willing dental recruit to war surgeon is alright. At this point I was really beginning to wonder if the story was going anywhere. The events as described seemed like you were missing some opportunities to contextualize them in terms of the main characters opinions and perspectives - feeling the word count limit, perhaps? What's there is fine though, he's unhappy about this turn of events, okay.

"That night" - which night? Is this the first night he was there? The night after the seemingly ongoing situation with his grunt? Neither makes much sense, leaving me without a firm grasp of when this happens but the impression I should have one. Then we get him wanting to leave and being told not to leave and an analogy that honestly doesn't feel like it fits the speaker.

After that I just kind of got bored. Bullets happen. Chopper explodes. Explanations. Lessons learned about how much the army needed him.

I'm not sure if there was a purpose to this story or if it was just some stuff that happened. Could have been a character piece, but if so it really needed a stronger character voice and to feel a lot more personal.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







crabrock posted:

Hit me with dat winner

Week 76: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=1515&title=Helios


Thranguy posted:

Oh, I'm in with a winner.

Week 18: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=403&title=Round+1%3A+Yard+work

epoch.
Jul 24, 2007

When people say there is too much violence in my books, what they are saying is there is too much reality in life.


Hey thanks for your input, GlyphGryph.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



people who ask for a winner are the same sorts of people who don't try mixing soda flavors

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Pain is inevitable.
Suffering is optional.
Thunderdome is forever.


Obliterati posted:

:siren:THE SECRET POLICEMAN'S BRAWL:siren:

I want stories about impostors. Men hiding under fedoras, rubber masks, simple misdirection, whatever, I don't care: something/one is not what it/they seem, just prove to me that at least one of you isn't a infinite number of monkeys sharing one typewriter

Word count: 1000


So ignoring the massive delay on this for a minute (also disregard my poorly-fitting face) we have results. Both of these entries were indeed disguised as stories, one (marginally) better than another.

Broenheim, you wrote a story I suspect you never proofread. There's a lot of dangling sentences, bizarre wordchoice, the tenses are all over the place and then at the end it goes all LOL RANDOM IT'S A DOG. Is your last sentence supposed to me missing a full stop? Because it looks like you just gave up and it's really anno

Screaming Idiot, you wrote about Hiro Protagonist smirking unsufferably as he does parkour. There's no meat in this though: guy flips around ripping off Mirror's Edge, avoids cunning trap, engages in brief truce with his worst enemies and meh. I am also p. disappointed that your imposter is a bit character, the story barely qualifies for the prompt and I'm playing nice here.

The win goes to Screaming Idiot because I feel he made an actual effort. Tbh though you should consider this a win by default, don't get ahead of yourself


:toxx:
You will get line by lines before signup deadlines

Obliterati fucked around with this message at 09:29 on Sep 10, 2015

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


In with a :toxx:. I've never even gotten the honor of losing, much less winning, so give me your most dreadful loser so that I may learn from them.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Nikaer Drekin
Oct 11, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

I'm out for this week, but thanks to those who critted my last piece!

Just curious, though- in the year or so I've been away from the thread, have there been any bad stories anywhere near the splendor and glory of Rural Rentboys?

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=2510&title=Emotional+Nudity

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







skwidmonster posted:

In with a :toxx:. I've never even gotten the honor of losing, much less winning, so give me your most dreadful loser so that I may learn from them.

Week 73: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=1366&title=Grug%5C%27s+Harvest

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

Obliterati posted:

So ignoring the massive delay on this for a minute (also disregard my poorly-fitting face) we have results. Both of these entries were indeed disguised as stories, one (marginally) better than another.

Broenheim, you wrote a story I suspect you never proofread. There's a lot of dangling sentences, bizarre wordchoice, the tenses are all over the place and then at the end it goes all LOL RANDOM IT'S A DOG. Is your last sentence supposed to me missing a full stop? Because it looks like you just gave up and it's really anno

Screaming Idiot, you wrote about Hiro Protagonist smirking unsufferably as he does parkour. There's no meat in this though: guy flips around ripping off Mirror's Edge, avoids cunning trap, engages in brief truce with his worst enemies and meh. I am also p. disappointed that your imposter is a bit character, the story barely qualifies for the prompt and I'm playing nice here.

The win goes to Screaming Idiot because I feel he made an actual effort. Tbh though you should consider this a win by default, don't get ahead of yourself


:toxx:
You will get line by lines before signup deadlines

Thanks for the crit and the judgment, but I have to defend myself by stating I was ripping off Spider-Man, not Mirror's Edge. :colbert:

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Screaming Idiot posted:

Thanks for the crit and the judgment, but I have to defend myself by stating I was ripping off Spider-Man, not Mirror's Edge. :colbert:

:bahgawd: :newfap: :bang:

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Screaming Idiot posted:

Thanks for the crit and the judgment, but I have to defend myself by stating I was ripping off Spider-Man, not Mirror's Edge. :colbert:

did you forget why i even started that brawl in the first place?

also


:allears:

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

Broenheim posted:

did you forget why i even started that brawl in the first place?

it was meta-humor you cad

also why did you throw the brawl? you could have stomped into the loving mud

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003

"It's time....to DIE!"


Screaming Idiot posted:

it was meta-humor you cad

also why did you throw the brawl? you could have stomped into the loving mud

jokes?

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



friendly reminder that if you picked a winner you chose to thunderdome with soft mittens on so you don't get hurt

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Djeser posted:

friendly reminder that if you picked a LOSER you chose to thunderdome with soft mittens on so you don't get hurt

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Who do you want to be?

This guy?

:smug: - "ahhh im such a great writer, clearly im gonna take a winner and make it better because im so good that i have to show off to an internet writing faux-competition full of amateurs writers with no rewards"

Or this guy

:cheers: - "im just a cool guy, you know, and i just want a bit of a challenge, have some fun, maybe write about gay lovers in an abonend bunker, or poo poo geysers, or panty sniffing poetry. have some laughs, you know, work on my writing while being chill."

Make the right choice. Choose loser

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo



no offense but are you even in this week

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:59 on Oct 27, 2015

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







spectres of autism posted:

no offense gently caress you you piece of poo poo but are you even in this week

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

GUESS WHO'S LYING


Grimey Drawer

What sounds more like you?

This fine fellow?

:coffeepal: - "I think I am going to relax with a nice cup of joe and rewrite a nice story into a nicer story. Nice!"

Or this rear end in a top hat?

:butt: - *ppbbbbbbtttttttt*

It's no contest. You're a winner!

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003

"It's time....to DIE!"


hurrrrrr i'm such a great writer i can improve on poo poo geyser look at me talk some poo poo

loving loser idiots

Mons Hubris
Aug 29, 2004

fanci flup :)




I wanted to be a loser but apparently it is my true nature to be a winner

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


The loser choice is completely indefensible. Do you really think two measly letters, a D and an M, actually count as stakes? Some people (not gunna name names but well know who they are) collect the drat things and brag about them, like they aren't just a symbol on their wasting their (admittedly fairly low-value) time on something they'll obviously be terrible at forever.

I'm not even joking. If you choose loser you're literal scum.

gently caress it, I quit the thunderdome and SA. I'll take the stupid toxx ban I don't even give a gently caress.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Behold my brain the golden throne of my consciousness. In here I am seated. Shackled. From here I police the land.



lol@whoever thinks choosing LOSER means we judge u less harshly

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Tbh in my eyes u r all losers hth

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


Picking loser is like serving bacardi and cola at a bartending contest, except most of you don't have cola.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



Winners: *takes out moleskine notebook at a starbucks and makes sure to pose thoughtfully*
Loser:s *flips the bird at a bartender, lights his collar on fire, peels out on a stolen moped*

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


even in your own disses winners are the only ones actually writing a story

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again




how to deal with winners

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Flash rule: "Follow that dollar for a long way down."

Roadside Trash Heap


Ten feet above them, the Hand of God stalked the streets. The quiet clamor of twelve people drew to complete silence. A sound filled the air, like stone against asphalt and like a struck tuning fork. It grew from one direction, hummed overhead for a moment, and trailed off again. this is a beautiful opening para - rich and weird

Esther sat on one of the beds. In her hand was a lump of wax, lumpy-cube-shaped. Inside the wax was a salt cube, about the size of her fist, like the cubes that were scattered around the basement bunker, some wrapped in tinfoil, others bagged, and others yellowed from being touched and cared for. They were what the Hand of God left: the condensed essence of a person, memories and feelings, in a cube of salt. continuing the tight vibe development, i want to know what's coming

“Hey,” Tanya said. She hit the side of Esther’s arm with a stale good adjective chocolate bar. Esther took it, gave Tanya a smile, and slid over for her to sit down. “What’re you thinking about?”

“Vegas,” she said. “I went there with Sam once.” She lifted her wax-coated cube. “We drove the whole way.” She paused, but Tanya was quiet, expecting her to continue. She did. “I don’t even remember the nights we spent there. But there and back, I remember the power lines. When you’re driving into Vegas, they run right beside the road, on and on for miles. Nothing but power lines from Overton to Vegas.”

Tanya nodded quietly. “I wish I’d gotten out more. I meant to, but…guess that’s not happening now.”

Esther set the half-eaten chocolate bar in Tanya’s lap. “How hard was it to find that?” she asked.

Tanya shrugged. “I found it stuck in the toothpaste section.” She tried to sound like the stores weren’t picked clean by now. too elaborate

“We’re going to have to leave,” Esther said.

--

No one wanted to stay, but fear had kept them in the bunker this long. Esther broke through the fear with her plan: Get everyone out, and split up three ways. The Hand couldn’t chase three groups at once. One group would head down the river toward New York, another would go east toward Boston, and the last would head west toward Buffalo, looking for any other survivors. good setup, but i want to find out what's going on soon

Morning was best for the escape. The Hand moved without sight, so they’d only hinder themselves. And once they got outside of town, who knew what sort of things awaited them? In those first days of hiding, when the news reports still came, they’d gotten word of time-scrambled children in Pennsylvania and a orb melting people’s bones into putty in Virginia. Nevada was where it all started. The first reports had come from there.

It was a long night’s wait, and one by one, to relieve their tension, they brought out their cubes. They were taking them along--no one wanted to leave a loved one behind. Esther sat on the bed, slowly turning the wax-covered salt cube in her hands. Tanya laid on the bed behind her, and gently touched her tongue to the corner of the cube. Esther turned when she heard the gasp. Tanya’s pupils were dilated, her mouth wide open. She took the cube from Tanya’s hands, set it beside the bed, and closed her mouth. Tanya was reliving one of her mother’s memories now. see this is the actually interesting part of this, i don't care about the undescribed Hand.

Nearly everyone had taken little licks out of their loved ones’ cubes, but Esther hadn’t taken a single bit of Sam away. If it really was everything that made up Sam’s mind, shouldn’t there be a way to get her back, to pour all those memories back into a new Sam’s body?

Esther fell asleep with her arm around Tanya’s shoulder and Sam’s cube clutched tight in her hand. you're aiming for emotional capital about people we don't know or care about


Everyone had their packs and their cubes stowed away. The tension hummed in their ears as they tried to listen for the Hand. Esther stood at the stairs, gripping the one shotgun they had. Bullets didn’t stop the Hand of God, but they might slow it down.

“Let’s go,” she said.

As Esther looked over everyone’s faces, it dawned on her how much trust they had in her. Tanya trusted her. And she hoped Sam trusted her too.
tell/show, you should be staying clear and physical at this point to move the plot along
It had rained recently, and the smell of salt was in the air. As they stepped onto the streets, salt crystals crunched beneath their feet. The detritus of thousands of minds coated the ground.

The nearest cars they knew of were at a gas station, three minutes’ run from their bunker. They got two minutes out before they heard the noise.

A solid gray pillar slid through the street, along a groove cut through the salt. High up on each of its sides was a single indentation. ooooooh an indentation i love those they're so vivid Its speed was constant, and it was heading up the street toward them.

“Run!” Tanya shouted from the rear.

The scramble exploded in all directions. Esther found Tanya’s arm, and the two of them broke out in a sprint toward the gas station. The plan had fallen from everyone’s mind, and the only thought anyone had was survival. bad action

Esther threw the driver’s side door open, and flung Tanya toward the other side of the car. She tumbled around the hood and climbed in on the passenger side. The doors slammed shut. Esther revved the engine. A gray shape rumbled toward them in the rearview mirror. Both of them were shouting, and the car was rattling, and they heard nothing but the foghorn drone of the Hand of God.

The engine roared again and rumbled to life. Esther shoved the gearshaft into drive. She turned and looked at Tanya. The Hand of God you've talked about it but i don't know or care what this looks like was right next to the car. She yelled and hit the gas as Tanya’s body shone and crackled and fizzled, and the car screeched away from the Hand.

---

Esther didn’t let off the gas for at least an hour. That night, she raided a candle store and melted a wax casing for Tanya’s cube. i think you need to describe finding it, that's a key emotional moment Then, she climbed up onto the roof and laid out under the cloudy sky.

It had all started in Nevada. The Door wat was supposed to be there.

“And if there’s any way to get you back,” she said, holding Sam and Tanya’s memories in her lap, “it’ll be there.”

She had a dollar left to bet against the house, and she was going to follow those impossible odds all the way down to Vegas. what?

Off along the horizon, flashes of color flicked among the trees. She had no idea how many things like the Hand of God wait what, i thought it was a Thing? how did she know its name? there were, but even if there were thousands, she wasn’t turning back now. Tanya trusted her, and she wouldn’t let her down. , blah tell show: give us an interesting way of seeing this

i really like the weird scifi backstory you're implying but you swing and miss at teh emotional core; i think if you'd presented a less pulpy sequence of events you could have nailed this

PoshAlligator
Jan 9, 2012

When SEO just isn't enough.


docbeard posted:

How you doin'

:siren: Posh Tude 2015 - This Time It May Or May Not Be Personal :siren:

Ghosts. Secrets. Indecision. Using these elements, tell me a real story, with real characters (plural) and real stakes. Between 750 and 1750 words.

Due no later than 5 AM CST on September 4, 2015. Sadly, I will likely be awake, but if not, I can read timestamps and do simple math, and there will be no leniency. You're both toxxed and I can learn from the past.

Any chance you can settle this score once and for all?

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Screaming Idiot posted:

Thanks for the crit and the judgment, but I have to defend myself by stating I was ripping off Spider-Man, not Mirror's Edge. :colbert:

Week 47: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=517&title=Because

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







epoch. posted:

I'm just gonna say this once: If your lust story gives me an actual boner, I will give you a line-by-line critique of anything you loving want that you have written*

* up to 5,000 words.

report

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a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly



Losing stories have more fun to pluck out of them. They are frequently scatterbrained conglomerations of loose ideas or mechanical gimmicks. Winners are more focused, and you'd think that they already chose the best way to approach the story idea. Looking at it from a different perspective seems like the best way to handle a winner. I prefer to play in the poo poo.

Also I probably will be failing this week because Metal Gear but I'll try to pry my dumb eyes from the screen for an hour.

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