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  • Locked thread
leekster
Jun 20, 2013


Here is your first crit from way back in week one Hillock. Your second and SittingHere's will be up shortly. Sorry it took so long I was really busy writing awful stories.

Ranger Dan slipped the truck into four wheel drive just the wheels bogged down. Winter came late this year; or rather it had suffered a manic breakdown in early December. The permafrost had set in during a cold snap, but the quickly setting boreal sun wasn’t giving up its warmth just yet. The trails had turned to a half frozen slush; his daily patrols took twice as long because of it. He shifted down and blew a puff of cherrywood smoke out the open window.

This works well besides the part about the boreal sun. That reads a little too written in comparison to the rest of the paragraph.

If he’d been younger, he’d have been tempted to gun it and send a roostertail flying out behind the truck, wearin’ away the mud till the tires connected with frozen earth. Being almost forty, he enjoyed the finesse required of a real mudder. The truck slid forward, slowly. He made sure to keep it on a diagonal so the back wheels missed the ruts left by the front. A few kilometres later the mud turned to gravel and then he was roaring towards the ranger station at sixty miles an hour. Early morning sun glinted off the tinted windows of a luxury SUV parked outside.

This is probably one of my favorite paragraphs in the piece. You describe how someone who really loves to truck would actually describe it. I’m sure I’ve heard this before on a construction site somewhere.

“Who the hell is it now?” he muttered to no one in particular. His supervisor was off for the month and the park was nearly empty. He dreaded having to explain to another yuppie moron that no, he wasn’t in charge of cutting firewood and the nearest store was thirty clicks outside the park.

The last part of this paragraph pulls me out. Either you’re really subtly building up this character’s military background or your forgetting that the US uses imperial. I don’t think a park ranger would use clicks when the trails and all parts of the park are measured by miles on signs and such.

He parked his truck and hurried inside, making drat sure not to make eye contact with whoever was in the SUV. No sooner had he sat down at his desk he heard a car door slam.

“gently caress sakes,” he said, putting on a fake smile.

Now he knew he wasn’t supposed to use the word tranny no more, and to be honest he wasn’t sure that this person was trying to fake a gender. A poorly dyed and impossibly coiffed toupee (or was it wiry hair?) framed a face smeared with cheap foundation. Bits of makeup were caked into her widow’s peak, her eyeliner had started to run and her fake lashes were peeling. She fished a king sized Marlboro out of her fur coat and smeared lipstick all over her face trying to light it. Her hands were shaking pretty bad.

A good description but this large paragraph brings a lull into what is otherwise a quick and snappy piece. You don’t indulge in an explanation this long anywhere else in the piece so it makes this stand out quite a bit.

“You cold or something, lady?” Dan asked.

“N..no,” she stammered, “I’ve had the worst night of my life, and I’m Rosa Flores!” she said.

“I’m Dan. Nice to meet you.”

“You don’t understand! I’m L.A’s foremost, premiere paranormal investigator! Do you know how many clients I’d lose if they saw me like this?” She finished the smoke and lit another one.

“Y’here on rehab?”

“No! of course not! I told you, I’m Rosa Flores! L.A’s…” he cut her off.

“I got it. Paranormal whatever. Great. Fantastic.”

“You really don’t get it do you? You go out there alone and you’re not worried?”she screeched.

“’Bout what? Got a gun for ‘em bears ‘n coyotes. Got me four-by for the mud. Been out here since I was twenty two, ma’am.”

The purposeful or on accident wordplay bothers me a lot. It brings me out of the story to think of the author smiling smugly by writing four-by for.

“The bigfoot! The aliens! The bigfoot alien holograms! These forests are FULL of spirits and the unknown!” She gesticulated wildly, sending cigarette ash all over the office.

“My client, I mean I was hired, well, you see…” she continued

“See what?” Dan asked.

“I’m looking for the spirit of a little girl. My client in L.A. wanted me to find his daughter and I’ve traced her spirit here. From L.A. Do you know what I saw last night? And the night before?”

“The northern lights?” Dan asked.

“BIGFOOT! I saw him with my own two eyes. He was down there!” she pointed out east towards the cedar bog, “he was there one moment and he disappeared the next. THEN I saw the northern lights.”

“I’m sure ya did” Dan said.

“THOSE TWO THINGS ARE RELATED! It’s like you’ve never even read Joan Ocean!” she shrieked, exasperated.

“Alright, tell ya what lady, how ‘bout I fill out this here Park Report Form and I’ll go have a look-see tomorrow morning?”

You do dialogue pretty well. This reads quick and establishes the characters. Also your dialect or slang for the ranger is one of the few times I’ve read something like that and it wasn’t done poorly.

She hovered over him as he filled out the sheet, writing Bigfoot Hologram – Possible UFO in the Complaints field and Paranormal Investigation in the Action Taken field. As a final courtesy he wrote down her number.

He looked her straight in the eye and said “Lady, if I don’t call ya by noon tomorrow it means ‘em aliens or bigfoots or what have you have taken me and I want ya to call the RCMP.” She nodded and turned to leave, dropping a business card on the table.

“La Florenzi Pasta Shoppe” Dan read aloud

“FLIP IT OVER!” she yelled from the door

On the back, in crayon, was written ROSA FLORES PANORONAL INVESTUGATOR, L.A., LOS ANGELES.

###

The first few rays of sunlight cut through the pea soup fog and lit up the cedar’s frosted branches. Where most would see bony fingers grasping at a barren sky, Dan saw tranquility and the promise of spring leaves. He crouched down low, looking for prints in the snow. He wasn’t much for believing in Sasquatch but he knew full well that other critters loved the bog near as much as he did. Grouse and deer and rabbits had all been out last night, meandering between the trees.

[b[This paragraph does what the one about Rosa did poorly right. It combines description with action and doesn’t feel like a bump in your story.[/b]

“Welp, if ‘em bigfoots are here least they don’t scare ‘em little buggers,” Dan said to no one in particular.

He followed the grouse tracks until his truck’s headlights had vanished in the fog. At least he could use this hike to keep an eye out for poachers. The trail ended in a freshly formed drift. Dan reached into his parka for a smoke.

Something rustled in the bush. He stood stock still. Seconds or maybe minutes passed before Dan realized the bog was deathly silent. Not even the crows were out today. Something must have spooked ‘em. He realized he was letting that Rose lady get to him, so he lit the smoke and breathed in real deep.

Something rustled again, louder and closer. Coloured lights flashed somewhere deep in the forest. Before he knew it he was off running. It was only when his boot caught a stray branch and sent him sprawling into the snow did he stop. He lay there for a few moments, letting the dampness and the sulphur bog-smell wash over him. He felt light headed, probably from the running.

“I gotta quit smokin’ ” he said, realizing his smoke had gone out.

The lights started up again. Blues and reds and yellows dancing between the tree trunks. He sat with his mouth agape. They were coming closer. He swore he heard deep panting and heavy footfalls. He didn’t feel the fear this time, instead a light-headed giddiness. If the bigfoots was gonna get ‘im, so be it. He brought the lighter up to the smoke and flicked it.

The world exploded in a flash of light. His body was burning, paralyzed with fear and alien rays. He could hear himself screaming. The alien bigfoots was beamin’ him up. His whole body shook. One name ran through his mind before he passed out: Rosa Flores.

[b[The second to last sentence made me laugh.[/b]

###

When he awoke the world was a shimmering paradise. Blue ocean water and endless beaches with sand white as driven snow. He broke the surface of this dream-ocean and flicked his dolphin tail. He was a merman now. He smiled as he watched his iridescent scales glowing in the purple sun. Everything he touched began to glow.

###

Rosa watched the clock, holding her phone in one hand. She had already dialled the first two numbers, and her finger hovered over the last digit. The clock flashed noon, she mashed the button, already hyperventilating.

###

The RCMP cruiser left the bog just as soon as it had pulled up. The fire crews were on their way, geared up for a methane fuelled forest fire. Rosa parked her SUV just off the access road, waiting to talk to the chief. She managed to flag him down when he was taking a piss in the woods.

“Officer! Officer! If you find bigfoot’s body I need to take a hair sample. It’s absolutely vital for my investigation!”

The chief sighed. “Lady, I’m not gonna tell you to get the hell outta here, but you should. This bog’s been offgassin’ methane worse than a borehole. You spend any time here?”

Rosa nodded.

“You familiar with what a low oxygen environment does to the human mind? Y’start seein’ things. Hearin’ things. Doin’ crazy things like running buck-rear end naked through the forest and settin’ things on fire like our friend the ranger did.”

“Thank you sir, I’m sorry to take up your time,” she said.

The fire chief nodded and walked back to the blaze.

Rosa furiously scrawled notes into her journal.

Official Report: Alien bigfoot hologram abduction, possible anal probing. Evidence destroyed; Suspect government conspiracy. UFO/spirit interference, investigation results inconclusive.

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contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

IT BEGINS!

Count me in.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


in.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


I'm on board.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


2001 wordcount is a maximum, not a minimum. I will not fault you at ALL for only writing 800 words, if you do it well. If you write 2000 words of poo poo, you'll probably actually run the risk of a DM more than the person that writes 1000 words of crap. Use the words if you need them.

tenniseveryone
Feb 8, 2014


Hello yes I am in.

asap-salafi
May 5, 2012


In.

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

Thanks for the crit, leekster! The story takes place in Canada, however. We have forests *and* rangers too! I didn't actually mean to write "four by four" in a strange way, it's just in Canuck, a "four-by" denotes a vehicle with four wheel drive.


The twin suns rose over the spaceport, the needle-like control tower cast two sets of shadows. Alarms sounded somewhere inside the tower, men rushed to their posts. A giant cockroach-shaped vessel breached the mercury-laden clouds. It was coming in too fast. Rosa Flores activated the descent thrusters, flipping biomechanical switches in the stolen alien ship. The control tower hailed her, but the ship's bio-radio only emitted a series of whistles and bony clicks. She said to herself "I'm Rosa Flores, Paranormal Investigator from L.A. and I can land a ship!" <--- teaser for this upcoming week, just for you crabs

Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face



Week CXXVIII Judgecrits!


chthonic bell, SadisTech, Benny Profane, Hammer Bro., hotsoupdinner, Megazver - all of you are getting linecrits, so you will have to wait a little longer.

Your Sledgehammer, Quidnose, J.A.B.C. - you were all disqualified for late submissions so I haven't read your stories yet. You will get crits after the rest are done.

In addition, to the above, I will do extra linecrits for three of the people critted below - all gone now (Doctor Idle, Benny the Snake, Walamor)


ZeBourgeoisie - P-Type Engineer

Read-along comments:

Mr. Bulwark is an interesting name.
You are working your descriptions of the characters slowly into your prose but it's unsubtle and kinda drags me out of the story. Does it matter to the story that Max is blond or are you just saying "the blond" as a way to avoid saying "Max" again?
Wait, they're getting up? They only just sat down. That wasn't much of an interview! Don't bother to seat them if they're only going to have this short a chat.
Max is as confused as the reader at the abruptness, that's good at least
"The young man" - you don't need to do this. There's a reason we use names - they stand for the person they refer to and are generally fairly invisible, so don't be scared of repeating them or just using "he".
I don't get a sense for how big the flea-like parasites are until the very end of the story.

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Acolyte Of The Parasites)
WORD COUNT? Yes, some way under
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? They're there, but somewhat hidden

Overall thoughts: This is only barely a story - there's a conflict, but it gets resolved in a few seconds. You came in well under the word count - I'm going to charitably assume that you were going to be busy and had to rush this in to avoid the toxx. In your favour, you hit the prompt fine and there are multiple emotions to be found, if fairly sketchily depicted. Not in your favour are a variety of issues large and small that should have been picked up in an editing pass. I'm half tempted to do a linecrit, but I don't think I want to make the effort given how little effort is apparent on your part. DM candidate.


WeLandedOnTheMoon! - The King of the Whores

Read-along comments:

"This ogre" - unlike the other ogres? "was foul heap" - was a foul heap
"a shimmering steel chain" - this doesn't convey the image you mean it to. "Chain" as shorthand for "chain mail" is RPG nerd lingo.
"capped" - again not the right word. Going to stop critting word choice here or I'll never get through it
Tense issues (memory-lane trips that should be in the past perfect are in the simple past)

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Not really

Overall thoughts: This isn't a terrible story, and given the prompt it could have been a lot worse. Your basic writing is letting you down though - it's rife with poor word choice and tense issues. I also didn't see much evidence of emotional range in any of the characters. I struggled a bit with the opening, but on a re-read it has some good foreshadowing. You also chose a good point to end it. Middle of the pack.


JcDent - Necrosphinx

Read-along comments:

LOL

HIT PROMPT? Yes, all of them (including the key one, Coffee Disintegrates The Night)
WORD COUNT? No - way over (DQ)
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes

Overall thoughts: A few grammar issues, a deluge of details, and a disqualification for being way over the word count. Nevertheless your achievement in spinning this into a somewhat coherent, entertaining, epic story is monumental. If you'd managed this inside 1000 words I'd be pushing for an HM at least.


Schneider Heim - The Royal Scam

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes

Overall thoughts: I enjoyed this one, but then I'm a sucker for sci-fi. Well-written for the most part, self-consistent, and I felt some sympathy for Princess Hyouko. You hit the prompt and the "range of emotions" requirement. This was an HM candidate for me; sadly, my fellow judges disagreed.


Benny The Snake - Separation

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes

Overall thoughts: You transcribed the prompt wrongly at the start of your post, but at least you didn't use it as the title. Honestly, up until the end I thought this was a decent effort. You hit the prompt and the range of emotions requirement. Some oddness in the tenses, some weird phrasing/images, but you set up the characters quite well and I was genuinely interested to find the cause of the screaming.

Then, Billy gored everything to death (goats don't gore ffs) and the screaming turned out to be heralding the apocalypse, which was anticlimactic to me - you're resolving what I thought was a pretty interesting mystery by having the pastor mentioned at the start be right, and then leaning on the Bible for your emotional impact rather than creating it yourself, which I guess would work if your reader is a believing Christian, but I am not.


Nubile Hillock - The places you walk

Read-along comments:

taught=taut
ok this cat is coooool
wait where did that daylight come from?
creeped=crept
wait is she actually a cat? obv not if she was kicked to her knees. I think my expectations were warped by knowing the prompt.
ok she had a gun literally stitched inside her skin. Ew.

HIT PROMPT? Kinda - where does "grandiloquent infinity" come in? (Agitated Hunger of the Kittens of Grandiloquent Infinity)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes, although kind of forced at the end I think

Overall thoughts: Not bad. I don't get the title. I enjoyed the opening and would have liked the rats/talking to animals to play a larger part in the overall piece. A few odd grammar/wording issues, and I'm a bit confused by the rush of memories at the end, which feels shoehorned in to meet the "emotional range" part of the prompt. I also had no idea what the "transformation" was at the end - was it intended to be obvious? That confusion is what dooms this story for me.


leekster - Black Sea

Read-along comments:

Boy I sure hope nobody is red-green colourblind!
Okay these acronyms are blatantly hiding something
Needs another editing pass and a spell checker
I never found out what those acronyms stood for :(

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Night Of The Armies)
WORD COUNT? Yes - very short in fact
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Not really

Overall thoughts: This is a vignette that uses 60% of the available word count and isn't terribly well-written either. I don't know enough to understand any of these acronyms and war porn. I don't understand the title. I don't have any reason to empathise with the characters. I don't see a range of emotions, particularly. All in all, I got nothing from this story. DM/Loss candidate.


Auraboks - Embers of the Xenocidal Queen

Read-along comments:

The prompt doesn't a particularly good title.
Hahaha these names hit the spot for me.
"An absurdly large battleaxe" this is a missed opportunity to describe it.
screaming flesh-closet, I love this
Would have been nice to know exactly why the Queen was dissatisfied? [LATER] Oh this is a plot point, cool.
"Killing the poo poo out of" - kinda funny, but lazy, you can do better than this
Abrupt switch to a sort of fairy-tale tone here.
"You have got to stop with this arts and crafts poo poo!" Ah brilliant, realisation strikes

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes

Overall thoughts: The prompt doesn't make a particularly good title, although it almost works for the tone of the piece. This was easy reading and pretty funny. On occasion your descriptions were a bit lazy. The ending was... hmm. Bit of a cop-out maybe, but kinda works. I'd call this an HM candidate for sheer entertainment value.


tenniseveryone - Revealing Cthulhu

HIT PROMPT? Yes, from a pretty funny direction
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Hmm

Overall thoughts: I love the idea of a stripping Cthulhu, it's a great take on the prompt - but for my money there's too much set-up here and not enough words spent on the climax. The out-of-sequence segue into what happens to Anders later is jarring, and I think would be better not included. Mid to low.


Ironic Twist - Serpenteen

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Desert Disintegrates The Forest)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: A great title that stands out in a week of lovely titles. This got off to a strong start, I really liked it up until the end of the first scene. But I felt like I'd lost the plot after that - I didn't know what the red thing was that had flashed, and I didn't know where we were with Tania, or who Tania was. The ending was good, although relies on remembering that the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge are different things. Tania's name changed to Nadia right at the end, which confused the heck out of me and I'm not sure it was deliberate. Still, a nice piece that hits the prompt just fine. High pile/HM candidate.


PoshAlligator - The Hunger That Burns

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? More or less
FLASH RULE? Yes (No self-inserts about your drive to write)

Overall thoughts: Is submitting a Google doc a thing now? I'm not sure how I feel about that. *shrug* This is a good story that plays the prompt straight. It has some minor issues in the text and you could do more with the language in places, but really its simplicity is what makes it distinctive. I enjoyed your careful, loving descriptions of the process of eating. The sudden breaking point in the middle was unexpected and horrifying. The ending was pretty disturbing too and I wanted to know more, but I didn't really need to. High pile for me.


crabrock - Some Artificial Raspberry Flavoring Comes From The Anal Gland of a Beaver

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Murder Me)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: Holy poo poo. Well you hit the prompt all right, and this was a pretty affecting story. Given how you made me hate the protagonist at the start I really didn't expect it to end that way, but when it did, it worked. Nice job. HM/Win candidate.


newtestleper - Revenge of the Crimson King

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Rampage of the Crimson)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? No
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: Good descriptions/scene setting at the start - without ever having been anywhere near Jakarta I still got a strong sense of the atmosphere. I know you struggled like mad to get this under the word count but it doesn't show; the piece is pretty tight without being stilted anywhere. Not an ending with any great emotional impact, but I liked it. On the down side: you had some grammar issues (possessive 'its' doesn't have an apostrophe, and watch out for comma splices). I also never particularly warmed to the protagonist, and I'm not convinced you hit the "range of emotions" part of the prompt, which is the main thing that prevents this being an HM candidate.


Screaming Idiot - Voidborn

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Void Vampires)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: You hit the prompt, and had the sense not to use it as the title. The range of emotions part was fulfilled by the officer rather than the protagonist, but you hit that too. I got a chuckle out of the sudden change in tone following the lead-in, and at least a wry smile at several other points, but as a pure comic work this falls a bit flat. Part of the problem is it doesn't feel like much of a story - there was conflict all right, but no real tension. OK so they're vampires, it's established that they don't much care what happens to them, they get attacked, the main character is resigned to his fate, the end. Middle of the pack.


Grizzled Patriarch - Body of the Host

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Its Enslavement Enslaves Them)
WORD COUNT? Yes (very short actually)
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: Your usual strong stuff. Forced me to think about what was going on. Came at both the prompt and the "range of emotions" rule from an interesting angle. Unfortunately I was left a little confused by the ending; my poor brain can't quite fathom the symbolism.


DreamingofRoses - The Farewell

HIT PROMPT? Yes (God's Venomous Bitter Dragonflame)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? Yes (a florist's shop must play a key role)
FULFILS TOXX? I guess so (interesting story)

Overall thoughts: Your prose is fairly hard to read. Long paragraphs of long, winding sentences with the occasional sloppy connection forcing me to reread them. You segue into way too much irrelevant historical description when I just want to get on with the story. I agree that some background is necessary to set up the emotional connection, but I feel this story would be tighter and have better impact if told straight-up chronologically rather than constantly dragging the reader out of the current scene with memories. Nevertheless, you did set up enough of a connection that I felt something at the end, and you hit both aspects of the prompt as well as your flash rule. I'm going to count this as fulfilling your toxx.


asap-salafi - Its Fire Torments It

HIT PROMPT? No
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: Huh. Okay. Your story has a lot of show/tell issues and I can't detect any hint of connection with the prompt, apart from a tenuous attempt to shoehorn it in in the final line, which makes using the prompt as the title of your piece extra bad. The rape stuff and "Fee-Fee the Monster" came out of nowhere - you'd have done better to foreshadow that a bit. The ending twist was half-clever but could have been clearer - I'm assuming Fee-Fee only pretended to poison himself but I can't be sure. If that is the case then I don't have much sympathy for Jai because he's stupid and blind to his brother's flaws and you haven't really sold me on why. Low pile.


Bad Ideas Good - The Baker of Lagash

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Visions Of Sumerian Night)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: I really like your opening paragraph. It goes downhill a bit from there though. The archaic phrasing is shaky in places, but more importantly your story is absolutely rife with tense issues. (Aside: A good rule of thumb is if you're going for an archaic vibe, stick to the past tense. That goes double if you're planning to include memory fragments, because if you're writing in the present and looking back, neither the simple past nor the past perfect sounds entirely right in English imo.) There was a continuity error with the bread, which burnt to ash and was then taken out of the oven only slightly scorched. And your ending was a confusing non-ending. Low pile/DM.


Jonked - The Citadel Of Dwarves

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? No
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: I like poetry and blank verse so I'm glad you wrote this. Iambic pentameter is a safe choice. You slip out of strict iambs unfortunately frequently though, usually with a wayward trochee, and some of your phrasing doesn't sit right with me. You told a good tale and hit the prompt, although not so much the "range of emotions" requirement. Mid to high for me - could have been great with just a little better execution.


Walamor - Screaming At Hecate

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: Whyyyy is everyone using their prompt as the title. It's not too bad in this case but I think you could have come up with something better. Good opening line though. It's unusual that you're using overtly modern language in what is presumably an ancient history setting, but I liked it. I like the names you've chosen but it's hard to keep them straight as they aren't really differentiated individuals. (good thing most of them die, then!) You have issues with cliché, unnecessary telling and POV - this might be a good one to line crit actually. Despite all this, it's a decent story sitting solidly in the middle of the pack.


Doctor Idle - Glorious Altars of the Blood-Red Insanity

HIT PROMPT? Yes
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yeah OK
FLASH RULE? N/A

Overall thoughts: A prompt is not a title, god dammit people! You have tense issues right from the off. The story is boring - boring - boring - what the gently caress is happening - lol cop-out ending with a side order of what the gently caress. Straight into the DM pile.


Entenzahn - Embers

HIT PROMPT? Yes (Lethargic Army Of The Souls Of Burning Torture)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Yes
FLASH RULE? Yes (A character can't spell and that makes everything become terrible)

Overall thoughts: Fowl != foul (I was making a pun when I did this in the other thread, goddammit). "It tasted like iron" is a cliché, although my noticing this did make it work when you reused it later. You hit both the prompt and the flash rule early and took the story from there, although I'm not sure you hit the "lethargic" part given that you say "the demonic hordes had made quick progress". Overall, you wrote a good story that I enjoyed, but nothing terribly memorable. Mid-high but no HM from me.

Maugrim fucked around with this message at 17:43 on Jan 20, 2015

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Maugrim posted:

Tania's name changed to Nadia right at the end, which confused the heck out of me and I'm not sure it was deliberate.

:nsavince:

son of a BITCH.

Thanks for the crit, Maugrim.

Idle Amalgam
Mar 7, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

I'm in.

Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face



Doctor Idle, I just noticed last week was your first entry. I was pretty frazzled by the time I got to your story so my crit wasn't exactly in-depth. If you think a line-by-line crit would be helpful to you, you're welcome to claim one of the three free ones I advertised above! Totally up to you though.

Idle Amalgam
Mar 7, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

I feel like my story was kind of crap and I got busy and really rushed towards the end. I'll take it if you're offering, but I know it was really lackluster. The candid nature of your critique rings true to how I feel about it haha. I plan to do better this week(hopefully).

leekster
Jun 20, 2013


Thanks for the crit Maugrim.

And I thought since Flores was from L.A. it took place in hills of California. I suppose that's just my jingoistic American showing though.

Jick Magger
Dec 27, 2005


Grimey Drawer

I've been itching to write some terrible space stuff. I'm in.

Jick Magger fucked around with this message at 18:32 on Jan 20, 2015

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Benny the Snake posted:

Dude, don't be his pitty brawl

OH WOW BENNY THIS IS A NICE GLASS HOUSE YOU HAVE.

(Thank you for ponying up the money to get me back on SA Benny.)

(Also I'm giving out line-for-lines to three people. I don't really care what week. Just give me a shout.)

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Doctor Idle posted:

I feel like my story was kind of crap and I got busy and really rushed towards the end. I'll take it

I like you. You'll do better next time, I'm sure.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES


Could I please get a line by line from both Phobia and Maugrim? Thank you!

Phobia posted:

(Thank you for ponying up the money to get me back on SA Benny)
You're welcome, bro. Welcome back to the land of the living.

EDIT:line by lines of "Separation", I meant

Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 16:28 on Jan 20, 2015

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

Stories about spaceships? In , baby! Quick stupid question: do they have to be honest-to-goodness actual real-life space ships, or can we go science fiction with that too?

And thank you for the great crit, Maugrim, and for the great prompt -- I love me some cheesy metal.

Walamor
Dec 31, 2006

Fork 'em Devils!


Thanks for the quick crit - I'd love a line by line if the 3rd one is still open!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Phobia posted:

OH WOW BENNY THIS IS A NICE GLASS HOUSE YOU HAVE.

:siren: fighting flash rule: your spaceship was previously owned.

Idle Amalgam
Mar 7, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Do I have to lay a sick burn on someone to get a flash rule, or can I just have one for free?

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Doctor Idle posted:

Do I have to lay a sick burn on someone to get a flash rule, or can I just have one for free?

:siren: flash rule: "guns. Lots of guns." -neo in the matrix (do not write matrix handoff, just involve lots of guns)

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Screaming Idiot posted:

Stories about spaceships? In , baby! Quick stupid question: do they have to be honest-to-goodness actual real-life space ships, or can we go science fiction with that too?

I would suggest you read the entire prompt.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

crabrock posted:

I would suggest you read the entire prompt.

I did, but the part where you said "I want a real life god drat spaceship" muddied your intent. I'm asking for clarification so I don't get disqualified for not following the prompt -- better to ask and look the fool than to stay silent and become one.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


Screaming Idiot posted:

I did, but the part where you said "I want a real life god drat spaceship" muddied your intent. I'm asking for clarification so I don't get disqualified for not following the prompt -- better to ask and look the fool than to stay silent and become one.

Just interpret the prompt post to the best of your ability. I look forward to disqualifying you!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Screaming Idiot posted:

I did, but the part where you said "I want a real life god drat spaceship" muddied your intent. I'm asking for clarification so I don't get disqualified for not following the prompt -- better to ask and look the fool than to stay silent and become one.

how the gently caress does reading "they need to be a real life god drat spaceship" and then asking "do they have to be honest-to-goodness real life spaceships" clarify anything at all? You're asking me the exact thing i said I wanted.

Good example:



bad example:

crabrock fucked around with this message at 21:40 on Jan 20, 2015

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


lol I believe he meant "can I write about a made-up spaceship or does it have to be SpaceShipTwo or a Falcon Heavy." The part of the prompt that said "sci-fi" should have answered that stupid question.

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.




crabrock posted:

how the gently caress does reading "they need to be a real life god drat spaceship" and then asking "do they have to be honest-to-goodness real life spaceships" clarify anything at all? You're asking me the exact thing i said I wanted.

Good example:



bad example:




So, is Carl Sagan's starship of the imagination out?


crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


J.A.B.C. posted:

So, is Carl Sagan's starship of the imagination out?




NO FANFIC STILL, JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I MAKE A PROMPT, PEOPLE COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK WITH lovely loving QUESTIONS. JUST WORRY ABOUT WRITING A GOD drat STORY THAT DOESN'T SUCK TO READ THAN RULES LAWYERING.

also:

SadisTech
Jun 26, 2013

Clem.



Is that a threat?

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







SadisTech posted:

Is that a threat?

more to the point is that a spaceship

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!



Crabrock, I like your anger, please hit me with an angry flash rule

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

crabrock posted:

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I MAKE A PROMPT, PEOPLE COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK WITH lovely loving QUESTIONS.

Maybe you shouldn't contradict yourself. :colbert:

"I WANT A SCIENCE FICTION SPACESHIP!" "I WANT A REAL-LIFE SPACESHIP!" :downs:

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


Still thinking of an idea. Meanwhile, I've just remembered a really good short story that fits the prompt that you might enjoy, crabrock:

The Bonedrake’s Penance by Yoon Ha Lee.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






*carefully crafts an instructional manual for navigating interstellar space in a scientifically viable spaceship*

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


ok, so for all the idiots in the thread, screaming or otherwise: by REAL LIFE, crabrock meant, it is actually in the story and happens IN THE STORY, in the REAL LIFE that is created IN THE STORY

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

My stories come to life when I post them. I'm currently having dinner with a naked generic mobster with a bullet wound, Megaman X Omni, Ed the cockney vampire, and a paralyzed Russian boxer.

It was difficult to choose the pizza toppings.

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

Mr. Crabrock? Umm...Mr. Crabrock? I know I didn't raise my hand b...but can my spaceship also be a bong??

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Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!



What the gently caress is happening to this thread.

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