Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

«‹›178 »

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

leekster posted:

I"m in and have never listened to this band. Please give me a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gW513E8_6I

I Palindrome I

# ? Mar 3, 2015 07:28

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Feb 5, 2023 02:15

Grizzled Patriarch: Mar 27, 2014; These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.

In. Let's see what you've got for me.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 07:34

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Grizzled Patriarch posted:

In. Let's see what you've got for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zfPsDy1PVU

Narrow Your Eyes

# ? Mar 3, 2015 07:36

Sitting Here: Dec 31, 2007; BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME

in, pick the best song for me

# ? Mar 3, 2015 07:55

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Sitting Here posted:

in, pick the best song for me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ro_u6AhcGYo

Where Your Eyes Don't Go

# ? Mar 3, 2015 08:01

Wangsbig: May 27, 2007

in, I'll pick Judy Is Your Viet Nam

# ? Mar 3, 2015 08:05

Maugrim: Feb 16, 2011; I eat your face

In. Never listened to the band so I will require a song. Tough as you like.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 09:06

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Maugrim posted:

In. Never listened to the band so I will require a song. Tough as you like.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4ftRXG8T9k

Chess Piece Face

# ? Mar 3, 2015 09:16

Hugoon Chavez: Nov 4, 2011; THUNDERDOME LOSER

LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

hugoon i owe you a line crit sometime this week

Looking forward to that!

I'm pretty discouraged about my loss, didn't think I did so bad so I'd love any criticism. Oh well there will always be the next Thunderdome!

Just probably not this one since I'm flying back to Venezuela tomorrow for "vacations".

# ? Mar 3, 2015 09:48

Ol Sweepy: Nov 28, 2005; Safety First

I'm in. I googled them and picked Purple Toupee for myself because I don't know what the gently caress.

Ol Sweepy fucked around with this message at 10:14 on Mar 3, 2015

# ? Mar 3, 2015 10:10

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Bompacho posted:

I'm in. I googled them and picked Purple Toupee for myself because I don't know what the gently caress.

good.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 10:15

Entenzahn: Nov 15, 2012; What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?

In. This is your chance to fulfill your lifelong dream of having me write a story about a TMBG song of your choice, so make it count!

# ? Mar 3, 2015 10:59

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Entenzahn posted:

In. This is your chance to fulfill your lifelong dream of having me write a story about a TMBG song of your choice, so make it count!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CccPPDe2JU

I'm Impressed

# ? Mar 3, 2015 13:30

J.A.B.C.: Jul 2, 2007; There's no need to rush to be an adult.

Count me IN.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 14:28

Jagermonster: May 7, 2005; Hey - NIZE HAT!

In. Song me please.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 14:57

Ironic Twist: Aug 3, 2008; I'm bokeh, you're bokeh

in

E: with Ondine

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 00:41 on Mar 4, 2015

# ? Mar 3, 2015 15:51

Megazver: Jan 13, 2006

Ironic Twist posted:

in, pick the third-best song for me

I gave them my best Spotify try and they're all the worst.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 16:39

hotsoupdinner: Apr 12, 2007; eat up

In, slap one on me.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 17:25

anime was right: Jun 27, 2008; death is certain
keep yr cool

bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:51 on Oct 27, 2015

# ? Mar 3, 2015 17:31

curlingiron: Dec 15, 2006; Come fight terrifying creatures in the THUNDERDOME!

In with Someone Keeps Moving My Chair. :toxx:

# ? Mar 3, 2015 18:42

Grizzled Patriarch: Mar 27, 2014; These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.

Crit for Benny Profane!

Benny Profane posted:

Goliath
1187 words

She slinks out onto the empty stage, creeping in the darkness like a predator towards the column of blinding light in the center. Nice, understated opening line. "like a predator" sets the tone and establishes tension right away. Ebony castanets clack between her fingers. Her steps follow their rhythm.

ONE two three ONE two three ONE two three ONE two three. A long step, toes stabbing the wooden boards. Two short steps, circling like a spider.

Specks of dust float in the spotlight, oblivious to her approach as she stalks the upper stage. Her expression is flat. She gives no warning.

She launches into the air, tucking her legs up beneath her with her arms stretched forward hungrily, sailing through the silent dark to land powerfully in the center of the stage in a crouch, illuminated by the spotlight. Inhale. Exhale.

###

Thera crept out of her bedroom past a stranger sleeping on the couch, an apparent leftover from the night before. She'd slept with earplugs again, so she had no idea how late the party had gone. Her gym bag slung over a shoulder "a shoulder" reads a little awkwardly. Maybe "Gym bag slung over her shoulder,..?", she weaved between bottles both empty and otherwise, careful to avoid a mysterious pool of congealing liquid on her way to the door. She closed the door behind her, quietly, and turned her key in the lock before descending the four flights of stairs.

Saturday mornings were always unpleasant on her street.This line is a bit too much tell, not enough show. You've got some nice descriptive language in this paragraph, so I'd say paint the picture and trust the reader here. Broken glass and vomit decorated the crumbling pavement in patches of tragic narrative; a hunter could perhaps follow these in pursuit of hungover game, but Thera ignored them as she walked towards her decrepit car. She fumbled for her keys and then stopped suddenly, her breath caught in her chest. Her car sat low in its parking spot, its tires slashed open with ugly gashes. For a full measure her brain refused to comprehend, and then a flurry of ideas came in double time. Her roommate's car was undoubtedly still parked near whichever bar she�d been at last night; based on the state of the apartment there was no way she'd driven. The streets were empty and calling a cab would take forever. She hefted her bag onto her shoulders and ran down the street towards the bus stop.

When she burst through the door to the studio, her face burning red and her hair matted with sweat, the auditions were already well underway. The director looked up just long enough to acknowledge Thera's entrance with a disapproving eyebrow before turning back towards the stage, shaking her head slightly as she scribbled into her notebook.

Anna's light frame flitted back and forth across the stage like a hummingbird, grace succumbing to frenzy as the music pounded to a violent crescendo.Nice image. With a final crash of drums, the movement ended, leaving Anna kneeling in the center stage, her chest heaving with exertion. Enthusiastic applause erupted as Anna took to her feet and curtsied. As she left the stage, her gaze sought out and found Thera in the audience. Her mouth curved into a tiny, malicious little smile, and in that moment Thera knew. You've got that "peak and valley" approach going on, with the shift between the tense energy of your opening and the aftermath of a party. The trick is balancing both sides out. So far, so good.

###

The drum booms loudly as she rises slowly to her feet, droplets of sweat beading from her scalp under the intense heat of the spotlight. Her castanets answer. Clack clack.

She springs backwards, out of the spotlight, landing on the ball of her right foot in time with the next beat of the drum, her left leg lifted out behind her, torso folding at the hips. Two quick steps, left followed by a crossing right. She looks outward, facing the hidden audience, clack clack.

Boom goes the drum, more urgently now, the tempo building as she stomps at the boards with her left foot, her arms aloft like feelers. The stage is her web, she knows each board as if she had placed it herself. The spotlight is her prey, its struggle desultory and hopeless. You've got a good eye for describing motion. Just enough detail to see what's going on in my head, not so much that it reads like a manual.

###

With an exasperated sigh, the director motioned Thera to the stage, tired of her begging.This is another line that would have been more effective if you did more showing. Instead of telling us outright that the direction is exasperated, and why, show it through body language and dialogue. Obviously this is easier said than done when you don't have a lot of words to spare. Anna frowned in the audience as Thera took her mark, but she need not have worried. Thera's agitation bled messily into her performance, and she awkwardly fumbled two steps in the final movement of the piece, her exhaustion from the morning's ordeal taking its toll. The applause was scattered and polite. The director finished the note she was writing into her book and thanked Thera flatly.

In the following weeks, Thera trained as Anna's understudy, off to one side, in the corner, lurking while Anna shone brightly under the director's watchful eye. Anna barely acknowledged her presence, basking in the adulation of the studio, but Thera's eyes never left her, burning darkly. She had no doubt that Anna had been responsible, somehow, for the tire slashing, that she had purposefully ruined Thera's audition. Thera practiced her steps, always matching the intensity of Anna's training, her face never showing any expression, waiting.

On the opening night, Thera crept into Anna's dressing room before the show. Anna sat in front of her brightly illuminated mirror, adjusting her costume, preoccupied with an uncooperative strand of hair. She did not notice the intruder until Thera was right behind her, her hands barely beginning to rise up in defense as Thera brought the heavy sock down on her skull.

Anna slumped in her chair and Thera quickly went to work, unspooling silver strands of duct tape and wrapping Anna's wrists, ankles and mouth. When the hallway was clear, Thera hauled Anna out of the dressing room, easily carrying her tiny body over her shoulder. She had found a perfect hiding spot, old foam cushions strewn in the darkness directly underneath center stage, a tiny gap between the boards just wide enough to permit a razor thin beam of light from the spotlight to pass through.

Anna's delicate rib cage lifted and fell as she lay across the cushions. She was still out, but she would surely wake with the noise of the audience's arrival. Of course, by then it would be far too late. This bit feels almost like one of those "Little did they know..." lines; it kind of deflates the tension you're building a bit. Maybe have Anna wake up after she sets her down? You'd create an opportunity for more conflict (both internal and external) and it would make it absolutely clear that Anna is awake at the end of the story, instead of simply implying it.

Thera slinked back to the communal dressing room, practicing her astonished expression.

###

The tarantella is in full swing and she spins across the stage, a frenzied clattering of castanets responding to the insistent pounding of the drum. She leaps into the air, twisting clockwise and landing in a low crouch. Her feet turn beneath her and her legs explode to launch her up again.

She glides through the column of light, the air briefly hot on her face, her back pulled into an arch, her leading foot stretching away into the darkness beyond. Her breath is ragged, her lungs scrabble desperately for air. Her sweat runs freely, her costume thickly wet and clinging to her skin.

The drums pound and pound, building wildly to their climax, and she follows with her feet and castanets, spinning and twisting as jewels of sweat fly away from her face, and she's flying, flying through the air, leg collapsing beneath her as she lands, sliding on her knees across the slick boards, coming to rest under the spotlight with the final pounding of the drum, looking down into the thin crack between the boards. Inhale. Exhale.

The audience roars. Strong ending, great sense of manic energy in this last section. Having her look down into the crack between the boards is a great example of characterization through action.

You've got some really nice imagery and kinetic prose. The story wears its Black Swan influences on its sleeve, but you're exploring different themes here, and thematically, the tarantella is a great alternative to ballet. The tense shifting has its desired effect, and I think it was definitely the right call for this piece. My biggest issue is that the story feels noticeably constrained by the wordcount; it seems like there's a significantly longer piece under the surface. I would have liked to see Anna's character fleshed out a bit more, but the pacing is strong regardless. Nice work, and if you'd like me to elaborate on anything, just let me know.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 20:26

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

Istanbul not Constantinople

e: reminder i'm toxxed for the rest of the month and i've used up all my toxx-mercy

Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:05 on Mar 3, 2015

# ? Mar 3, 2015 21:01

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.; Fun Shoe

I told myself I wasn't going to do this to myself this week, but god dammit I like TMBG and I'm entering with "Robot Parade."

# ? Mar 3, 2015 21:45

Barnaby Profane: Feb 23, 2012; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

In for this week with The Mesopotamians.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAMRTGv82Zo

Also, thanks for the linecrit, GrizzledPatriarch! I'm happy to pay one forward if anybody would like one.

Barnaby Profane fucked around with this message at 21:57 on Mar 3, 2015

# ? Mar 3, 2015 21:52

newtestleper: Oct 30, 2003

Benny Profane posted:

In for this week with The Mesopotamians.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAMRTGv82Zo

Also, thanks for the linecrit, GrizzledPatriarch! I'm happy to pay one forward if anybody would like one.

I would love one for god week!
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3293&title=When+Gods+Forget

I'm particularly interested in potential clarity issues.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 21:58

Kaishai: Nov 3, 2010; Scoffing at modernity.

In with "The Statue Got Me High."

# ? Mar 3, 2015 22:07

starr: May 5, 2014; by FactsAreUseless

Thanks for the crit Fumblemouse : )

Also I am in, please pick a song for me as well.

# ? Mar 3, 2015 22:47

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

J.A.B.C. posted:

Count me IN.

Snail Shell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJkQ7J0YRZM

# ? Mar 4, 2015 00:54

wigglin: Dec 19, 2007

In.

I need a song.

# ? Mar 4, 2015 00:56

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Jagermonster posted:

In. Song me please.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfDj19o5RaM

The World's Address

# ? Mar 4, 2015 01:00

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

hotsoupdinner posted:

In, slap one on me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NiIZdbJSj8

Memo to Human Resources

# ? Mar 4, 2015 01:05

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

starr posted:

Thanks for the crit Fumblemouse : )

Also I am in, please pick a song for me as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjpTmng9bV4

Stone Cold Coup d'Etat

# ? Mar 4, 2015 01:07

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Pete Zah posted:

In.

I need a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJQnZZ-Wmao

Don't Let's Start

# ? Mar 4, 2015 01:09

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhjSzjoU7OQ

# ? Mar 4, 2015 01:16

docbeard: Jul 18, 2011; Deny it!” cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. “Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end.”

In with Destination Moon. :toxx:

# ? Mar 4, 2015 15:08

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

Screaming Idiot posted:

I told myself I wasn't going to do this to myself this week, but god dammit I like TMBG and I'm entering with "Robot Parade."

This is the correct decision but you need a :toxx:

in there bucko.

# ? Mar 4, 2015 20:45

Megazver: Jan 13, 2006

In with "Prevenge".

# ? Mar 4, 2015 20:47

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.; Fun Shoe

sebmojo posted:

This is the correct decision but you need a in there bucko.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to tell you to go gently caress yourself. If i can get it written, great, but I'm not going to waste twenty dollars because my schedule fucks me over.

# ? Mar 4, 2015 20:57

anime was right: Jun 27, 2008; death is certain
keep yr cool

bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:51 on Oct 27, 2015

# ? Mar 4, 2015 21:09

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Feb 5, 2023 02:15

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

Screaming Idiot posted:

Yeah, I'm gonna have to tell you to go gently caress yourself. If i can get it written, great, but I'm not going to waste twenty dollars because my schedule fucks me over.

Then we won't read it. You don't get to flounce in and collapse on the fainting couch each week. Lots of people have lovely poo poo going on in their lives in here, and they write.

# ? Mar 4, 2015 21:12

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

«‹›178 »