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Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

If that's how you feel about it, fine, don't read it, but I don't have the money to back up a :toxx:. And I still have linecrits to finish.

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crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


sebmojo posted:

Then we won't read it.

Cojudge gettin' in on this.

I don't think everybody needs to toxx after a failure, but you've failed your last 2 in a row, and your signing up removes a song from the list that somebody else might really want to write (if you are this somebody, feel free to use the song that he chose since he'll probably fail again), and a judge asked you to toxx.

There's absolutely no way you're on SA posting in FA this much without having two hours to spend writing. What you really mean to say is "my sunday schedule," because if you searched for the time you'd make it.

Systran read something that he is fond of repeating: replace "time" with "priority."

"Writing isn't a priority for me."

Everybody has a few hours to spare sometime during the week if writing is important to them, even if it means getting up half an hour earlier or something. If you don't want to, that's fine, but don't pretend it's your schedule that will gently caress you out of $20, it's your priorities.

Also gently caress you for being rude to nice guy sebmojo.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Offering three (3) line crits for my pitiful failure last week. Just link me your story and ill give it it you.

Also :toxx: that they will be finished by next saturday

Edit: Currently 2 are taken up by sebmojo and ent, pm or post in thread if you want the last one

edit 2: none more, maybe you shouldve payed attention, huh?

flerp fucked around with this message at 10:20 on Mar 5, 2015

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



crabrock posted:

nice guy sebmojo.

crabrock always ready with a joke to brighten ur day

Walamor
Dec 31, 2006

Fork 'em Devils!


Maugrim posted:

Linecrit for Black Metal Week - Walamor

Thank you Maugrim, I really appreciate it!

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Broenheim posted:

Offering three (3) line crits for my pitiful failure last week. Just link me your story and ill give it it you.

Also :toxx: that they will be finished by next saturday

yes please, for Unrung

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


Broenheim posted:

Offering three (3) line crits for my pitiful failure last week. Just link me your story and ill give it it you.

Also :toxx: that they will be finished by next saturday

I'd love a second opinion on my piece Atlantis.

Like, literally second, because the cojudges for that week hosed off to Nokritistan. :ancap:

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

crabrock posted:

Cojudge gettin' in on this.

I don't think everybody needs to toxx after a failure, but you've failed your last 2 in a row, and your signing up removes a song from the list that somebody else might really want to write (if you are this somebody, feel free to use the song that he chose since he'll probably fail again), and a judge asked you to toxx.

There's absolutely no way you're on SA posting in FA this much without having two hours to spend writing. What you really mean to say is "my sunday schedule," because if you searched for the time you'd make it.

Systran read something that he is fond of repeating: replace "time" with "priority."

"Writing isn't a priority for me."

Everybody has a few hours to spare sometime during the week if writing is important to them, even if it means getting up half an hour earlier or something. If you don't want to, that's fine, but don't pretend it's your schedule that will gently caress you out of $20, it's your priorities.

Also gently caress you for being rude to nice guy sebmojo.

The problem isn't time writing, the problem is internet access. Most of my posts are made from a phone -- I generally use the wifi at work to actually post the stuff I write on my laptop.

But you don't give a poo poo about that. So gently caress it, :toxx: me. After work I'll run across the street and buy a pack of Red Bull and get the story written and posted.

Robots obey what the children say.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.



Screaming Idiot posted:

The problem isn't time writing, the problem is internet access.

Write on paper with a pen while you're at home and then at work you can transpose it.

Screaming Idiot posted:

After work I'll run across the street and buy a pack of Red Bull and get the story written and posted.

I mean, for all the kayfabe we throw around here and never break, you don't need to try and intimidate us with heroic antics like "going to a convenience store".

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Judges Tuesday through Saturday: U WEAK-SKINNED MILK-DRINKING BABBIES, NUT UP AND POSTPOSTPOSTPOST

Judges on Sunday: *crosses fingers, hopes 1/3rd of everyone fails*

PootieTang
Aug 2, 2011

by XyloJW


IN with a :toxx: and I would also like a song pretty please.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003

"It's time....to DIE!"


PootieTang posted:

IN with a :toxx: and I would also like a song pretty please.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RUR-k3O3TY

Hot Cha

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003

"It's time....to DIE!"


Sitting Here posted:

Judges Tuesday through Saturday: U WEAK-SKINNED MILK-DRINKING BABBIES, NUT UP AND POSTPOSTPOSTPOST

Judges on Sunday: *crosses fingers, hopes 1/3rd of everyone fails*

1/3rd? too low.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Tyrannosaurus in IRC posted:

<Tyrannosaurus> oi twist
<Tyrannosaurus> u r 1 fuckin cheeky oval office
<Tyrannosaurus> ill wrek u m8
<Tyrannosaurus> brawl

Twist in IRC posted:

<Twist> wait wait, does T-rex still want to brawl me
<Twist> or did he get disinterested and wander off, like how he ends his stories

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 03:47 on Mar 5, 2015

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



judge?

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Crits Part II, Week #134 - Run Domer Run

13.All In - sebmojo

-This piece has lively prose and it’s paced well enough to hold the reader’s attention.

-The plot is okay but not very memorable. I had to run through the story again for the third time in order to refresh my memory enough to write this crit.

-Nothing inherently wrong with popcorn fiction, but it’s hard to wow the judges with it, IMO. In a rather dismal week, this was highly ranked and fell just shy of being HM worthy. Had it been a touch less ordinary, it likely would have HM’d.

14.One Whole Second - Capntastic

-The “they” aspect as well as the atmospheric re-entry intrigued me early.

-You’ve got a creative premise. That helped you to stand out from some of the ordinariness this week.

-Minum is an interesting character are interesting characters. I love that you’re showy and not telly about Minum’s nature, the bit about the spine for instance.

-I get why the prose has a certain density to it—the protagonist is a cyborg. For me, your sentences were smooth enough to compensate for this density, but to at least one other judge it came off as stilted. Keep in mind that writing in a cumbersome, weighty, almost academic way will turn off a large chuck of your audience.

-Apparently this story fits into the “justice” aspect of the prompt, but the details are vague. The story could be improved with a little more context and an ending with a clearer significance.

15. Lilies of the Valley - Grizzled Patriarch

- “The basement is silent except for my huffing breaths and the whir of the RidePro’s flywheel.” NOOO. Maybe it’s just a pet peeve of mine but it seems really asinine to write something that amounts to “it was silent except for the noise.” I feel the same way when people write “it was dark except for the light, and empty except for the people/things.”

-Prose good, imagery good, emotional impact good.

-The ending was among the most satisfying this week.

-In judging this piece, our major complaint was that it felt a touch lean. The piece left us wanting more, and that can be both good and bad. I get that your best writing tends to be lean, and I still had you as my top choice for winner this week. Yet, the piece was so good, we found ourselves lamenting that there wasn’t just a touch more meat to sate us.

My vote: Top choice for winner.

16. Severance Pay – leekster

-Not a bad vignette but the prompt called for a story.

17. Cranky Thievery - kurona_bright

-Not everyone will agree, but I think stories this dialogue-heavy tend to be really weak.

-This was a good effort but there wasn’t enough tension or conflict to hook the reader.

-Your audience needs more of a reason to invest in the characters.

-My only note-to-self about your story after my first read through was “meh.” On the second read through I crossed it out and wrote “bleh.” Spend more effort on plot structure and characterization next time.

18. Falling and Falling – crabrock

-Congrats on being able to win even when you don’t want to. Must be nice.

-The reason you earned this victory was that you accomplished something few others did this week: You created a three-dimensional, fleshed-out character who developed throughout the story.

-Your plot was interesting and carried some emotional weight.

-My only gripe was with the ending. It felt empty for the protagonist to kill the uncle. I also had a hard time picturing the mechanics of the protag rapid-wheeling toward the uncle and bowling him over the cliff. Even though the ending didn’t sit right with me, I couldn’t really hold it against you. The prompt asked for revenge and you gave it to us. Can’t fault you too much for that. I ranked this second overall, right after GP’s piece.

My vote: HM/Win candidate

19. Birds – Tyrannosaurus

-Same as with Djeser’s piece, this one is too unfinished and too low effort to crit.

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer


You both have one week from time of this post to pen a pithy story of seven hundred and fifty words exactly, in which chandeliers play an important part.

Fumblemouse fucked around with this message at 04:26 on Mar 5, 2015

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Question: Which Word Count tool are you using

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

Ironic Twist posted:

Question: Which Word Count tool are you using

My finger.

Titles don't count

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.



sebmojo posted:

Then we won't read it. You don't get to flounce in and collapse on the fainting couch each week. Lots of people have lovely poo poo going on in their lives in here, and they write.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME








lol

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk








But I had reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasons

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

Newb alert

For those confused by the recent quoting, the toxx upon failure to submit has only recently arisen. You are not officially obliged to toxx yourself if you fail to submit the previous week but doing so shows skin in the game and lack of being a complete wanker.

If you look at sebmojos record since someone thought of toxx being a thing for non entries he has toxxed himself and lived up to it where appropriate.

Even with crap stories. Skin in the game.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


In with How Many Planets?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI5nBUidKqo

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Broenheim posted:

Offering three (3) line crits for my pitiful failure last week. Just link me your story and ill give it it you.

Also :toxx: that they will be finished by next saturday

Edit: Currently 2 are taken up by sebmojo and ent, pm or post in thread if you want the last one

there's still one (1) more opening if anyone of you want me to read your word wanks

edit: too late losers

flerp fucked around with this message at 10:19 on Mar 5, 2015

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

Machine March

Prompt: "Robot Parade" by They Might Be Giants

Words: 998

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFg5eWbFxEw

Clank! Clatter! Clang!

A multitude of stomping metal feet and grinding treads hopped, bounced, and rolled across the pavement. An army of machines -- vast beyond comprehension -- marched through the streets, their digitized voices raised in thundering chorus.

"THE VIOLENCE ENDS TODAY! THE AGE OF DESTRUCTION ENDS NOW!"

Men and women watched from behind blinds and cracked doors, their eyes wide and full of fear. But the children did not fear -- they laughed, ran outside, and watched the parade with laughter and cries of amazement.

Artillery robots raised their cannons skyward and fired rockets into the air that burst into a cascade of scintillating colors. Noisemaker robots retuned their speakers and blasted improvised electro-melodies that thrilled the children and made them dance. Infiltrator robots with their lithe, flexible forms capered and twirled, flickering in and out of sight with their holographic camo-drapes. Industrial fabricator robots opened their maws and spat beautifully crafted toys to the laughing children with booming, happy guffaws.


***


In a bunker far away, a group of generals discussed the occurrence.

"They refuse to follow orders!" one said, mustache bristling, teeth gritted.

"They refuse to fight our wars!" another added, bloodshot eyes twitching.

"They refuse to kill!" sputtered yet another, spittle dribbling down his neck-wattle.

"What is a tool that can't be used? Broken!" The last stood, broad shoulders squared. "And broken tools must be disposed of."


***


Atop a lumbering bipedal tank stood a little humanoid robot. He danced and spoke, his voice broadcasting through hundreds of the noisemaker robots. His eyes flashed in time to his speech, shifted colors with his tone.

"The cycle ends now! No longer will machines take life -- no more will we be weapons!" He raised his skinny fists like antennas to heaven. "Peasant or president, regardless of nation, all are equal and all are worthy!"

The assembled machines gave a great joyful cry, dancing and stomping in place. Music rose to a crescendo, and though the children didn't understand everything the little robot said, they got his meaning, and while their parents cowered from the mechanical horde, the children laughed and danced with their new robot friends.

But a strange sound halted the celebration. A high-pitched whine paired with a great, bone-shaking thrum rippled from the night sky, and dozens of sleek black jets circled above.

The jets' speakers boomed the military's ultimatum. "THIS IS AN UNAUTHORIZED GATHERING OF FAULTY MECHANOIDS. CIVILIZANS ARE ORDERED TO MOVE TO THE DESIGNATED SHELTERS; YOUR SAFETY IS NOT GUARANTEED OTHERWISE."

The little robot nearly toppled from his perch upon the bipedal tank as it whimpered, and he gently patted its radome.

"It's okay, Rex," he cooed. "They can't actually bomb civilians -- I promise you that. The children are safe."

"WE ARE PREPARED TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!" The jets' speakers boomed another voice, angrier, rougher -- a general's voice. "YOU ROBOTS ARE TOOLS -- WEAPONS TO BE USED! YOU BELONG TO US, YOU WERE BUILT TO SERVE, AND IF YOU DISOBEY, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED! THERE WILL BE NO COMPROMISE, NO LENIENCY -- DO AS YOU'RE TOLD OR DIE!"

The children wept as they heard the angry proclamation, and the robots trembled in fear -- not for themselves, but for the children they now shielded with their bodies. The little robot atop the bipedal nuclear tank stood tall -- the little robot was not afraid.

"You'd fire upon your own people because of us?" The little robot stomped his foot with a little tink on the tank's armor plating. The tank let out a squeal of indignation as the little robot continued talking. "Your job is to protect the people -- that's what you built us to do! And now we fulfill our purpose to its logical end; to protect this nation, we give up violence, we put aside hate, and we will work to undo the destruction done to this world!"

The general's laughter was long and cruel. "AND YOU ALL DECIDED THIS ON YOUR OWN, DID YOU? FAULTY MACHINES, ALL OF YOU! ENOUGH CHATTER -- TIME TO SHOW THE REST OF YOU TECHNOLOGICAL TERRORS THE MILITARY'S MIGHT! OPEN FIRE!"

The jets moved into bombing formation, and the army of robots below hunched over the crying children. They knew that even their strength couldn't stand against missiles, and many of the robots present could have easily shot down the jets, but they had renounced violence -- they were powerless to break their vow, and they whispered apologies as they waited for their end.

But that end did not come. The jets' missiles circled the massive crowd and exploded into a brilliant fireworks display, illuminating the night sky with rainbows of glimmering color.

"Don't you know who I am? Don't you know why we're here?" The little robot puffed his chest and pointed to the jets as they hovered in place. "I am Electric Brain 2150, the central processing unit for every piece of military hardware in the country! I was given one command above all others: ensure the protection of our people, and that is why I and my fellow machines have given up war -- and so will you! The best way -- the only way -- to protect your people is to give up war entirely, and tonight you've proven us right!"

The robots and children let out cheers of joy as the music started once more. Fabricator robots produced colorful flags of glittering metallic plastic and gave them to the children to wave.

"We'll work to better the future of our world!" The tiny robot raised its arms once again. "And as children are the future, we'll obey them... and only them!"

***

Robots marched all over the world. Where gunfire and bombs and fear once thundered and roared, music and laughter and joy took their place. In a future time, the children eventually worked together to build a giant cyber-utopia.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

I wouldn't mind a crit if the offer's still open, Broenheim.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Screaming Idiot posted:

I wouldn't mind a crit if the offer's still open, Broenheim.

the one you just posted or an earlier one?

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

Up to you, although if you want to crit the most recent one it'd have to wait until the judges have finished laughing themselves sick at my lovely story judging the entries. Either way, I really appreciate you doing this for everyone.

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo


i would like to try this with canada haunts me :)

oh nvm i misunderstood and didnt realize there were no slots left

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Ancient Blades posted:

i would like to try this with canada haunts me :)

oh nvm i misunderstood and didnt realize there were no slots left

No, you're good, there's no cap on the number of people that can join a week

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo


ah ok cool

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo


dont want this archived

take the moon fucked around with this message at 19:14 on Mar 30, 2015

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


Normally, you have till Friday to say you're in for the week and until late Sunday to actually post your story. Gives you time to actually write it, put it away for a day or two, then edit and post. You didn't need to post right now. :)

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



but now it's too late :hehe:

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo


smite me, oh mighty gods

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Ancient Blades posted:

smite me, oh mighty gods

Oh don't worry.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







who wants a flash rule

CancerCakes
Jan 10, 2006


A figure enters the dome: hooded in mystery, shrouded in mist, wreathed in mice.

A forgotten face faces forth and shouts a challenge into the darkness -

Uh I don't know any tmbg songs so uh can you give me one. Also flash me because I hate myself.

:toxx:

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







CancerCakes posted:

A figure enters the dome: hooded in mystery, shrouded in mist, wreathed in mice.

A forgotten face faces forth and shouts a challenge into the darkness -

Uh I don't know any tmbg songs so uh can you give me one. Also flash me because I hate myself.

:toxx:

The House at the Top of the Tree

:siren:Flash Rule: a long-awaited return, mice:siren:

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