Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

Ol Sweepy: Nov 28, 2005; Safety First

11 Secrets
(74 words)

Slowly I pick you up and carry you to bed laying you down gently. I feel the soft skin of your legs and thighs. I'm ravenous for you.
I feel your flesh between my lips, you surrender your secrets to me in the throws of passion.
Your wetness dribbles down my chin.

Looking down your moistness has stained the sheets.

I grab a wet wipe and toss the leftover bone back into the bucket.

Edit: How did I miss the no food part? :bang:

Idiot!

Ol Sweepy fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Mar 9, 2015

# ? Mar 9, 2015 10:55

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Dec 6, 2024 06:51

take the moon: Feb 12, 2011; by sebmojo

misread it as "superhero"

Night Claws

words: 100

They spoil this cityhome, these vermin. The criminal scum, who think they can take everything away with their tiny paws.

This cityhome calls to me. I breathe it in, I understand it. The smell of cheesebread left in boxes. The sound of citizens making nightly trips to their humanlitter. But some sounds, some smells, are not so innocent.

I know where to move so that I am cloaked in shadow. I know how to move silently. I strike at the heart of the little furry thieves. My calling card is their blood, and by day I am Mr. Fuzzypaws again.

# ? Mar 9, 2015 14:39

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

# ? Mar 9, 2015 17:12

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

Additionally

# ? Mar 9, 2015 19:55

Jagermonster: May 7, 2005; Hey - NIZE HAT!

Muffinterprompt

Not Taken

Gnocchi stared at the closed door in the empty apartment. "I don't know where you are," he said, his jowls rippling. "If you are looking for patience, I can tell you I don't have any. What I do have are a particular set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for masters like you. If you come home now, that'll be the end of it. If you don't, I will look for things, I will find them, and I will destroy them.� After another minute he pulled the wedding album off the coffee table and went to town.

# ? Mar 9, 2015 20:40

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

inteprompt:

write something very unsexy as if it were erotica. no food. 222 words

Two sheets of paper yearned to rub against one another for eternity. Ink bled through one, filling her pores with deep, passionate red, until each became full and spilled over into the next. What was written was not important, it didn't matter to the inkless paper who watched the pen brush over his lover with soft, delicate strokes. He liked to watch. Watch the other paper be abused like the naughty pulp she was. The paper filled to the brim with red ink, and she loved every second of it, edging closer to the end.

The inkless paper sat on the desk, its surface covered with graphite scrawlings. Ink paper knew her mother would never approve of her dating such a bad piece of paper, but it was exactly that thrill that made her long for him. His doodles of geometric shapes and random sine waves gave a hearty "gently caress you" to the conventions of society. She turned her nose up at the proper papers, with writing in neat, ordered rows.

Finally when she thought she could take it no longer, the hand of fate picked her up and laid her on top of the rebellious cellulose.

"I hope you like things rough," he said, pressing himself into her so hard it hurt.

"Take me," she moaned.

The two pieces of paper slipped between the strong arms of the stapler, and the piercing was quick. She let out a small gasp, and trembled with pleasure.

"We are together now, you and I."

"This is the happiest moment of my life," she said.

***

Billy squirmed in his seat waiting for his test back. The teacher had stapled a rubrick with their grade. "D+. See me after class," it said in an insulting red mark. Billy crumbled his test up and threw it away.

# ? Mar 9, 2015 21:40

CancerCakes: Jan 10, 2006

Wattage

"I'm sorry," he whispers as he slowly unscrews his old flame, surface too hot to touch for more than fractions of a second at a time.

"You were too bright for this world."

He caresses her curves, and her skin cools in his hands.

Gently he lays her down beside him. Then he reaches over her to the young replacement. No tasteful curves here, but perfectly engineered thin sticks. He screws the new one in, and feels nothing.

Later that evening he goes to the hospital and claims he fell over in a coincidental fashion.

# ? Mar 9, 2015 22:35

Sitting Here: Dec 31, 2007

this is love
131w

Wild clumps of human bush lined the mouth of the hole. This, Rod thought, is how you show a woman you really love her. As he worked his tool deeper into the hole, clots of unidentifiable matter stuck to its length. He had to use all his leverage to force it deeper, until her hair wrapped around his pipe snake like seaweed. A foul odor filled the room as he pumped; in and out, in and out. But love was his nose plug, and he was nearly finished.

Finally, with a grunt and a final, rough thrust, Rod wrenched his tool from the hole. A fat wad of hair, skin, and slime arced across the room and hit the wall with an organic splut.

�Shower�s clear, love,� he called.

# ? Mar 9, 2015 23:07

CancerCakes: Jan 10, 2006

Sitting Here posted:

this is love
131w

Wild clumps of human bush lined the mouth of the hole. This, Rod thought, is how you show a woman you really love her. As he worked his tool deeper into the hole, clots of unidentifiable matter stuck to its length. He had to use all his leverage to force it deeper, until her hair wrapped around his pipe snake like seaweed. A foul odor filled the room as he pumped; in and out, in and out. But love was his nose plug, and he was nearly finished.

Finally, with a grunt and a final, rough thrust, Rod wrenched his tool from the hole. A fat wad of hair, skin, and slime arced across the room and hit the wall with an organic splut.

“Shower’s clear, love,” he called.

I just puked

# ? Mar 9, 2015 23:13

Grizzled Patriarch: Mar 27, 2014; These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.

Sitting Here posted:

this is love
131w

Wild clumps of human bush lined the mouth of the hole. This, Rod thought, is how you show a woman you really love her. As he worked his tool deeper into the hole, clots of unidentifiable matter stuck to its length. He had to use all his leverage to force it deeper, until her hair wrapped around his pipe snake like seaweed. A foul odor filled the room as he pumped; in and out, in and out. But love was his nose plug, and he was nearly finished.

Finally, with a grunt and a final, rough thrust, Rod wrenched his tool from the hole. A fat wad of hair, skin, and slime arced across the room and hit the wall with an organic splut.

�Shower�s clear, love,� he called.

# ? Mar 9, 2015 23:33

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

# ? Mar 9, 2015 23:35

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

I literally haven't even started reading. I'm just about to leave work.

So keep makin' them gifs.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 00:00

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

yes sir

# ? Mar 10, 2015 00:26

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Pre-emptive In for next week.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 02:05

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

Capntastic posted:

Pre-emptive In for next week.

stop doing that.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 02:18

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

URGENT BLOODQUEEN MEMORANDUM :frogsiren:

# ? Mar 10, 2015 02:46

Sitting Here: Dec 31, 2007

Djeser posted:

URGENT BLOODQUEEN MEMORANDUM

im dynig lol

# ? Mar 10, 2015 02:55

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

crabrock posted:

stop doing that.

(The demeanor of this fun little creature, cheerful and snarky, is about as accurate and honest as I can be, with SA's bountiful emoticon system)

# ? Mar 10, 2015 02:56

take the moon: Feb 12, 2011; by sebmojo

Capntastic posted:

(The demeanor of this fun little creature, cheerful and snarky, is about as accurate and honest as I can be, with SA's bountiful emoticon system)

thats a suezo from monster rancher and he fights by spitting at you

# ? Mar 10, 2015 03:47

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

Capntastic posted:

(The demeanor of this fun little creature, cheerful and snarky, is about as accurate and honest as I can be, with SA's bountiful emoticon system)

# ? Mar 10, 2015 05:28

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

If you want to see the future of Thunderdome, imagine a :radcat:

stomping on a face forever.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 07:48

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

thunderdome is like
:jerkbag:

# ? Mar 10, 2015 07:53

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

Week 135 Judgment: Everybody Dies Frustrated and Sad....And That is Beautiful :siren:

Except when it is happening to me, while reading your stories. Now is time to pass on that beloved torch of misery.

Winner: GrizzledPatriarch -- congratulations. Everything right is wrong again, at least for you. Because now you have to judge. Welcome to the throne, may somebody scream "Kiss me, Son of God" as you sit there in all your majesty. More probably it will be like people trying to change your mind by hitting it with a rock. HAVE FUN!

HMs:
SadisTech -- Reminded me of Rural Rental boys, but a good enough voice to be okay.
Benny Profane -- you had a good joke with just enough dedication to move our cold, bitter souls.
Ironic Twist -- I was actually curious and cared about what happened, kind of. Good job?

DMs:
Ancient Blades: -- this story was all like "lol mustaches and the noble savage and also DRUGS"
Bompacho -- you win the award for "first story I stopped reading because it was so loving boring"

Loser: J. A. B. C. -- I have no loving clue what was happening here. I dare you to say "You just don't get it." I loving DARE YOU.

General Note: There was way too much description, passive voice, and people dying this week.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 08:11

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

# ? Mar 10, 2015 09:18

Chairchucker: Nov 14, 2006; to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022

Prooooooompt!

# ? Mar 10, 2015 09:37

CancerCakes: Jan 10, 2006

Open invitation - crit me or brawl me

Anyone want to throw down?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 12:51

anime was right: Jun 27, 2008; death is certain
keep yr cool

bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:52 on Oct 27, 2015

# ? Mar 10, 2015 15:04

Benny the Snake: Apr 10, 2012; GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

edit: never mind

# ? Mar 10, 2015 15:10

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

yup that was my story

no, that was all the stories. ALL OF THEM

# ? Mar 10, 2015 15:18

anime was right: Jun 27, 2008; death is certain
keep yr cool

bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:52 on Oct 27, 2015

# ? Mar 10, 2015 15:34

Hammer Bro.: Jul 7, 2007; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Schneider Heim rolls a Critical Strike!

To start things off, I listened to the song. Upbeat, cheerful, not terribly weird by TMBG standards, and maybe something to do with a reunion. I've got my preconceptions, so now let's do the stream-of-consciousness.

A decent start that's got me thinking already, but you've really pulled me in with the shopkeeper's first line. Now the situation is novel. A little world-building exposition with Mina's thoughts, but it's endearing.

The use of the word "twisting" pulls me out of the story and back to the song -- I realize this only takes place to someone who has just listened to the song before reading the story, but that's somewhat your target audience. I've now written more about a coincidentally distracting word choice than the rest of the tale.

The dialogue feels a little bit stilted / contrived, and the phrase "I can tell you're hurting" especially makes me wince. Then there's Telling afterward, which is jarringly descriptive given the context of the rest of the piece. The spoken and written words about the extra dinner feel forced. More so the what's-your-name from Mina. Ah, the embarrassed ghost sentence is good again.

", but I loved her?" is not a question. Even if his voice raises in retroactive reconsideration at the end, I still don't think it should be punctuated as such. I also don't buy Adrian's situation as drastic enough to warrant suicide unless he's got strong personality traits that he's not exhibiting presently.

I suppressed my responses at this point, since I'm still doing a line-by-line, but the whole thing felt forced and unnatural; like you had the beats, then each character had to jump from point to point so things logically made sense. But they didn't make sense emotionally -- I don't buy that most of those characters would've said/done the things they did because there isn't enough time/extremity for them to feel like they should do those things. I have spare macaroni. You like macaroni and happen to be nearby? Live with me!

Schneider Heim posted:

Remorseful Lives
994 words
Song: Twisting Decent song, but I don't think it bears repetition. Let's see how that applies to the story.

Mina ducked just in time to avoid a grubby foot from hitting her face. Thought she was going to get kicked. She looked up, regarding the rows of corpses suspended from the ceiling. Good opening one-two punch. Young and old, man and woman, their bodies were perfectly preserved at the exact moment of their deaths. Intriguing -- now I know I'm in SF/fantasy territory.

"Take your time," the shopkeeper said, a gaunt man in black. And now it's interesting SF/fantasy. Sadly, I think this was the point of highest engagement on my first read-through. The premise is excellent.

"Um, for my spell, does the body matter?" Mina asked. Does a good job of characterizing through actions (words) Mina as timid, and introduces/confirms the fantasy element.

"Anyone's toenails will do." On the second read I feel ever so slightly off by the implied series of events. Your first paragraph makes me think she's entering the shop for the first time -- she doesn't know to lower her head, and one doesn't tend to regard the familiar all that often. Then she asks the shopkeep, who I assume is physically proximate, about details responding to her spell. He answers confidently, which implies that he knows which spell it is. Which means she must've told him about it. How did she tell him about her spell before her hapless first-encounter with the inside of the shop? There are contrivable answers, but none of them fit smoothly with my current assumptions. This could be rectified by changing her line from "for my spell" to "for a [specific name which isn't as revealing as 'Reanimation'] Spell".

Sometimes magick Was there some specific reason you went with the 'k'? I'm not put off by it, but I also don't understand in general the distinction it has or the desired atmospheric effect. was easier than Mina thought. Most of the time it was really bizarre--what did the toenails of a recent suicide victim have to do with summoning your dead boyfriend's ghost? A fun detail. I like the juxtaposition between the dark subject matter (recent suicide victim corpses and dead boyfriends) and the lighthearted tone. Note that I mistakenly assumed that her boyfriend was also dead from suicide; others may also make that assumption, given the placement of the words. Up to you whether that's desirable.

She dodged the rows of feet and stopped in front of a young man. A little prettier than Dean, maybe thinner. Vaguely foreshadowing. Appropriately subtle, although not a strong enough detail to make the conclusion work for me, unless she's incredibly shallow and someone kinda friendly and a little prettier than her current boyfriend are all it takes for her. The corpse wore tiny gray briefs.

"I'll take this one." For the most part, I'm with you pretty well at this point. You've got something fun and interesting in store, and I'm not sure where it's going.

###

The corpse kept twisting This time I'm only thinking about how I thought about the song. in place after Mina had deactivated the stasis spell. It's not clear why a corpse would need to be put under stasis. They're generally pretty sedentary. She clipped its toenails and placed it inside the magick circle.

Why did he kill himself? Mina found herself wondering.

"Seriously?" a man's voice said. The first time I thought, and I still kind of do, that he read her mind here. But my assumptions about reanimation don't include automatic mind-reading powers over the reanimator, so I'm not sure if that was intended.

Mina ignored it. Dabble long enough into magick and these things start to happen, Dean had warned her. A nice detail that fits with her character so far -- she wasn't the primary practitioner.

"What are you doing with my toenails?"

"I'm going to talk to my boyfriend," Mina said, not turning around.

"Can't you just call him?"

"He's dead."

"Oh."

Silence. Mina thought of Dean, and his roguish grin that made her pursue the craft in the first place. The things she did for that grin. Right now their former relationship still seems charming and healthy.

"You should just let him go." Both times, I instinctively read that as "You should just let him go [so you can be with me]." I'm not sure why I assumed that the ghost dude is hitting on her (blame Patrick Swayze), but it both acts as a spoiler and impacts the likability of his character. "It's not healthy to cling to the past." or something like that if you want him to sound more concerned for her well-being.

Mina whirled at the voice. Again, I think it's 'cause he's hitting on her. The ghost of the hanged man was looking at her with a sympathetic face. He was still wearing his tacky briefs. "What's it to you? I just need your toenails, then I'll cremate your body with aetheric "arthritic" when I'm in a hurry. fire and that's it."

"I can tell you're hurting," the ghost said. That sentence reads poorly. Mina sensed the kindness in his voice This is Telling., like a nice grandmother who knitted you things and sent you sweet, embarrassing texts This detail would be nice in the context of a different story. Here its details feel excessive and out-of-place.. Definitely not like Dean. The character malignment comes out of nowhere. And my first thought: why is she trying to revive somebody she doesn't even like that much?

"How could you say that? You don't know me." Trite. Canned. Overused to the point of impersonal.

"This apartment is too big for one, Clever detail. yet you served dinner for two. Just plain weird. Is she expecting a guest tonight? So I guess you're still grieving," the ghost said. She's not expecting a guest. I get the impression that Dean has been dead a little while at least -- Mina's not that familiar with magic, and surely some time had to go into researching the spell, preparing the ingredients, and finding the corpse. Or if Dean's death were very recent, I'd expect some details about the event. So I really don't swallow Mina making dinners for dead Dean whom she's quickly prone to thinking negatively of.

Mina looked at the mac and cheese and Coke on the dining table. A few different impressions here. I'm okay with how it moves the story toward magical realism (we've got Cokes here). I am inclined to think she's a bad cook (mac and cheese is for amateurs -- macaroni and cheese would at least have some self-respect and not involve the microwave); this does not do my image of her character as endearing any favors (although I suppose it's an unfair bias, but I don't endorse those who are deliberately cooking for others being lazy). Or Dean has bad taste, but agh why is she still (bad-)cooking for him? She would clean that up before sleeping, like she did every day since Dean died. A weird and emotionally heavy detail that I don't buy. "What's your name? I'm Mina." Light-hearted and painfully unexpected casual conversation. Does not fit well.

"Adrian." Adrian extended a translucent hand, stared at it, then put it away. The faintest shade of red appeared on his gray cheeks. A good touch for Adrian's character, but you're already most of the way toward losing me on Mina. She behaves in a highly unexpected fashion given what I know of her setting and history. Most enjoyable fiction I've read involves the protagonist being in some significant situation and attempting to resolve it as I can pretend I would were I in their shoes. With Mina, I have trouble envisioning a situation in which a not-highly-troubled individual would behave as she does. And most of her dialogue does not indicate instability.

Mina turned her smile into a wince before the ghost could notice. So she feels guilty about what I'm amused by? Does not engender empathy. "Adrian, this might come off as rude, but why did you kill yourself?" Stilted.

Adrian sighed. "Student loan debt. Three years out of law school and I still couldn't find a job." Happens all the time. Most people survive it.

"Ouch. Must be tough." What is the emotional tone you're trying to set? The details in the second half of this story are too labile.

Adrian held up a hand. "And my girlfriend, well, she'd borrow my credit card and go on shopping sprees behind my back and well... you know the rest. She wasn't really nice to me, but I loved her?" He scratched his head. "Man, it sounds so dumb now." Too much Telling for me to empathize with his situation. I suppose in general I am a little harsh on people who deliberately maintain unfulfilling relationships. It does happen, but knock it off, people.

"I could relate." Mina's eyes hovered back to the circle. "I'm sorry, but I'm casting the spell now. You're free to go, Adrian." Abrupt. And a little weird that she can't unsummon his ghost since presumably she summoned it in the first place. Hey, how did his ghost appear? She just needed toenails from a corpse.

Adrian floated away with a hurt expression on his face. He didn't feel involved enough with his casual conversation for this dejection to resonate with me. I just listened to his sob story and threw him out. Go me, Mina thought. Wait, how am I supposed to feel about this? If I'm supposed to empathize with Adrian, then isn't this callousness of Mina's cruel? Dean used to say she had a way with messing with people's heads. I still assume that's a deliberate mischaracterization by Dean in order to keep Mina's self-esteem down. Although even that detail feels a little forced here.

Ten minutes later, Dean's ghost stood in the middle of the circle.

"Mina?" Dean was just like Mina had last seen him: wearing a blue hoodie with a ragged hole right where his heart should have been. Still thinking suicide.

"Hi Dean," Mina said. She withered under Dean's intense stare. Familiar feelings of desperation threatened to sweep her off her feet. People don't usually go out of their way to do uncomfortable things. Especially timid, confrontation-avoiding people, which is the strongest vibe I get from Mina. "Sorry I dropped the elixir."

Dean burst into laughter. "You summoned me just to apologize?" I read that as endearing. You went far enough out of your way to resurrect me to apologize about something that to the reader currently sounds minor? He stomped on the floor. This action was unexpected to the point of being confusing. His foot made no sound Nice detail., but it made Mina flinch all the same. First thought: huh? He never hit actually her, but sometimes she wished he did. Second thought: huh? I don't think people in emotionally abusive situations ever crave physical abuse. Even people in physically abuses don't crave the abuse (even if they seek it out) -- they justify it and cling to the abusor, but they don't think, "Hit me, baby!" Also it really feels like you're forcing Dean to have been abusive just to justify the hook-up with Adrian.

"I told you to run, didn't I?" I still read this like he cares about her well-being, although I could see you meaning it to imply that he was demanding and bossy.

"But you were having trouble fighting the clockwork knight," Mina said. "And I wanted to help." She got a long gash on her right arm for it, and Dean got impaled by a foot of enchanted steel. Why was she so close to something she shouldn't've been involve in? I imagine one does not simply walk into ~~Mordor~~ clockwork knights.

"If you'd been a good girl and escaped with the elixir, then I'd still be here, and we'd be living like kings now. Focus, Mina. You're not Academy-trained, so who's going to teach you now? When are you getting me another body?" A few disjoint statements and emotions. Fragmentary thoughts.

"Never," Mina said.

Dean stomped again. "Excuse me?" And who the heck stomps when they're angry? Just feels weird to me.

Mina's voice cracked. "When you died, I went over your things. I was looking for a spell to bring you back. Then I saw a notebook. It was full of women's names. You were only using me, weren't you?" Just like you're only using your characters. They don't feel like they naturally exist and have relatable motivations; they feel like they're jumping through hoops to support the desired structure of your story.

Dean grinned. "So? You've been a sweet girl, Mina. You still love me, right?" Again with the emotional ping-pong.

"Goodbye, Dean." Mina scraped the edge of the circle off with her slippers. Dean opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He raised his leg for another stomp before disappearing entirely. I do like the mechanics of the summoning ending.

Mina threw herself into the sofa. Then the dam burst. A decent line, but you've made too many emotional Mina mistakes for me to be on the same page with her at this point. For a moment her sobs filled a home that was too spacious for one. "filled her oversized home." would feel less awkward but maintain the foreshadowing. Although I've already got an idea as to where the story is going and it's a place I don't want it to go, so it's more of brace-for-impact foreshadowing for me.

"That was intense." Adrian knelt in front of her, resting a ghostly hand on her hair. Whoa! Is it a creeper or a predator that caresses the hair of a girl he just met? "But I'm glad you got rid of him once and for all." Sure you are, Mack.

"You stayed?" How does he even have the option to stay? His summoning doesn't make sense, but it can't be linked to the magic[k] circle, since she broke that and Dean dissolved.

"I had a feeling we're alike." Bad line; also stilted.

"Two months worth of mac and cheese. I never even eat the stuff," Mina said. Supposed to be funny but still bugs me because I don't believe that someone in her situation would still be cooking it.

"I like mac and cheese," Adrian said. Smooth, buddy. "I'm pretty much dead, though." Yeah, kinda. No big deal.

Mina's heart broke a little bit more. Her heart is a mystery to me. "Do you want to live again?" You are slightly cuter than Dean was and haven't been mean to me in the last five minutes.

"I think so. I mean, I'd take the chance if I could." Normally I'd think the answer would always be Yes, since one generally ends in death. But death in your setting doesn't seem that bad of a deal -- he was at least coherent enough when first summoned to yell "Seriously?", so it can't have been bad things on the other side. But the trivializing of death also kind of trivializes the impact of a plot that hinges around it.

Mina spoke a word, placing Adrian's body back in stasis. She went to Dean's spell drawer and pulled out his notes. "Then let's get to work, before your meal gets cold." So it's not even very hard to revive someone? I mean, it can be done by a novice before the Kraft cools. Won't that make overpopulation a huge issue? I'm not going to get into it, but I don't think your setting survives scrutiny unscathed.

When the dialogue didn't feel stilted, it felt like the characters were just drifting aimlessly. Oh, I'm dead. Sure, revive me. Yeah, no problem. Want to live with me? I've got the Blue Box Blues. I like your premise and maybe half your characterization of Mina, but there are too many emotional contradictions and either non-sequitur or non-event actions for me to much enjoy this piece.

I probably would like it after a (some) rewrite(s), so at least the foundations are solid.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 16:28

Benny the Snake: Apr 10, 2012; GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

CancerCakes posted:

Open invitation - crit me or brawl me

Anyone want to throw down?

If her Majesty the Blood Queen will allow it, then I'm down Baby-Cakes :toxx:

EDIT: I'll do both, just to be sporting.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 16:43

Maugrim: Feb 16, 2011; I eat your face

Benny the Snake posted:

If her Majesty the Blood Queen will allow it, then I'm down Baby-Cakes

EDIT: I'll do both, just to be sporting.

Jesus CHRIST what kind of namby-pamby gentleman's "brawl" is this? I swear you guys don't even hate each other

You're lucky I've been itching to judge a brawl lately. Yes I will even take on this ridiculous exercise in mutual cocksucking.

Benny the Cake vs. CancerSnakes BRAWL

Oh no! The mad inventor has created something he can't control!

Additional rules:
There must be a resolution that isn't "everyone dies".
There must be a massive explosion. Scoring will be partially dependent on how well this is described.

CancerCakes I hope you're planning to step up with a :toxx:

Deadline: March 20th, 9pm GMT. You get longer if I forget or am otherwise delayed - but are you prepared to risk it?
Wordcount: 800

Maugrim fucked around with this message at 00:44 on Mar 11, 2015

# ? Mar 10, 2015 17:35

Sitting Here: Dec 31, 2007

Benny the Snake posted:

If her Majesty the Blood Queen will allow it, then I'm down Baby-Cakes

EDIT: I'll do both, just to be sporting.

ill allow it

# ? Mar 10, 2015 19:16

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Crits for Sebmojo Entenzahn and Screaming Idiot

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ukbIq5yP_9u44Aurs_A3BgkfDzATGMbErerN6DFIQ1M/edit?usp=sharing

Overall, thank you for not writing horrible stories, and consider my :toxx:

fulfilled

also

# ? Mar 10, 2015 19:58

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

Huge thanks to DrK for filling in for this prompt. I didn't get home til 10pm last night, and couldn't really process the stories further than "ugh stop describing stuff already and get to the conflict." If she hadn't agreed to take over, then you would have been looking at some drat late results.

A slightly smaller thanks (but still pretty big) to sebmojo, who did some gude judgin'.

Thanks you two

# ? Mar 10, 2015 21:40

Entenzahn: Nov 15, 2012; erm... quack-ward

Five Years Later:

prompt

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:02

Entenzahn: Nov 15, 2012; erm... quack-ward

also thanks for the crit broenheim

and prompt. prompt prompt prompty prompt

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:03

Grizzled Patriarch: Mar 27, 2014; These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.

Alright, alright, unshart your jorts you gibbering ingrates.

:siren:

Thunderdome Week CXXXVI: Famous Last Words :siren:

I don't know where this picture is from but it sums things up nicely, I think.

:siren:

This week, you are going to write me some (pseudo) historical fiction! :siren:

But not just any historical fiction: I want you to show me the last day in the life of someone famous.

Some things to keep in mind:

Your story does not have to center around, or even feature, the actual death. Feel free to leave things on a high note, or simply imply what's coming next. Your story does have to have some sort of conflict. If you write me a story about some old person dying in their bed, it had better be heart-wrenching as hell.

Stick to the historical record, or don't. I don't care! Create an alternate history where Slobodan Milosevic chokes on a hoagie instead of dying of a heart attack in prison. Do you want to write a story about Elvis and Tupac engaging in a bat'leth duel inside a scale replica of the USS Enterprise? Go for it!

In fact, your famous person or persons do not even have to be dead yet! They do, however, have to be famous; if I can't figure out who they are after a cursory Google search, they aren't famous.

Word Count: 1400 Words
Sign-Ups Close: Midnight EST on Friday, March 13th (spooky!)
Entries Close: Midnight EST on Sunday, March 15th
Rules: No erotica, no fanfic.

Judges:
Yours Truly
curlingiron
Tyrannosaurus

Word Criminals:
Maugrim
Broenheim :toxx:

SadisTech
Capntastic
Ancient Blades
newtestleper
Noah
sebmojo
contagonist
Bompacho
SurreptitiousMuffin
Jitzu_the_Monk
Screaming Idiot
crabrock
Benny Profane
Ironic Twist
Paladinus
Entenzahn
PeteZah :toxx:

DXH

Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at 20:45 on Mar 16, 2015

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:39

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Dec 6, 2024 06:51

Maugrim: Feb 16, 2011; I eat your face

In.

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:41

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

«‹›178 »