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  • Locked thread
newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

Claven666 posted:

Thanks for the crit, blahblahblah

If anyone wants to argue with their crits take it to the fiction farm where it can be ignored.

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Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Thank you for the blunt criticism, Killfast.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003
I failed at internets.

newtestleper fucked around with this message at 21:36 on Apr 27, 2015

Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax
Fun Shoe

newtestleper posted:

If anyone wants to argue with their crits take it to the fiction farm where it can be ignored.

Not arguing, it was a genuine thanks. Not sure why you're so angry?

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Claven666 posted:

Not arguing, it was a genuine thanks. Not sure why you're so angry?

There's a tradition in Thunderdome where you don't respond to crits in the thread with anything other than "thanks." It's largely because if everyone responded to their crits, there would be a bunch of noise and posts most people don't want to read in the thread. I think no one generally cares what your reasoning was for doing x or y thing, or why you made a certain mistake. Just fix it on your next story and try to improve. If you do have a response that is a question or you really do want additional feedback, are confused by the crit, etc., you can post the question in the fiction advice thread and people will be happy to answer it.

No one is really "angry" here, but TD has a forced angry tone so that it won't turn into a hug box.

POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.
Pillbug
1.

angel opportunity posted:

Wesley the Wizard 1298 Words.

<snip>

“Woah,” Wesley said, “Who’s that?”

“That’s Janice...didn’t you guys meet after lunch?”

“No, I would have noticed her.”

This story was a sweet start to reading an avalanche of wizard stories. Aside from a few minor mechanical issues, everything hangs together neatly and I don't feel like much space was wasted. You've got the overblown, pubertal kid dialogue down. (And of course a 14 year old magus would have a hardship license.) In the last few lines (quoted), I wasn't certain if Wesley were still speaking with Cynthia or someone else. Just a small tag after the question would have helped. :v: That's really the only picky thing I have to say. I liked how you made use of your prompt and I didn't feel a need to drink after reading this.

2.

Noeland posted:

Three Dimensions, More or Less 1272 words

You had a really cool idea saddled down by front-loaded worldbuilding. I wish you had started the story with the narrator getting his papercraft powers and then quickly succumbing to the need to share them by the worst means possible. I empathize with the scene-setting issue because I also stumble there. The multiple examples of what happens when you cut yourself on a grimoire weren't necessary; that space could have been devoted to the plot. You used up most of your narrative energy on stage dressing.

3.

ravenkult posted:

Nine Wolves, 1220 words

At first I wasn't certain if this fulfilled your enthrallment prompt, but hey, we have a slave girl and man-eating wolves under Svartr's control. It's all good. Some minor errors slipped through, but that's probably to be expected for a very early submission. They didn't detract from the reading. One thing nagged at me as I read; I wanted to know why Svartr was taking revenge (and on whom? Thorfinn? Thorfinn's bro?). What can I really say to a pro?

4.

Guiness13 posted:

Joy 1,247 words

You could have played up the central conflict in this tale more. The narrator was more interested in her own irritation than she was in Audrey's reluctance to give up the life she already knew, but I was more interested in Audrey than in the narrator's exasperation. Your wizard's griping felt self-indulgent, but Audrey's anxiety was actually interesting. Your diction could have been tighter in places; phrases like "I take a sip" work better as "I sip," and you let some passive voice slip in where it was unnecessary ("It’s a debate I’ve seen play out again and again" vs "I've seen this debate play out again and again").

5.

Bompacho posted:

Colours and Councils
1290 words

You posted a story with a bunch of grammar and style errors which did detract from what you wanted to do. The sentence fragments, missing commas, passive voice, tense shifts, and sundry little issues gnaw away at your reader's attention budget. Take more time to clean up your story. You posted on Thursday; you could have taken another day to boot this through a grammar checker or request a pre-crit. This story would have benefited from some quality control on your part to ensure that it scanned well. Not that you needed to write in verse, but a good rhythm would have benefited this piece on art. The opening scene is also some gratuitous cuteness. You could have spent that space developing the conflict between Ryncraft and Lobiathis. (And dubbing them Michelangelo and Beethoven didn't do much for the stakes. It just felt out of place.)

6.

J.A.B.C. posted:

A Distant Hand
1298 words

I did a pre-crit for you, so I'll keep this brief. The changes you made really improved the story's flow. I think you could have been more economical with your diction; I also think you should have clarified what Allamendo risked by giving Pilot his ring.

Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax
Fun Shoe

angel opportunity posted:

There's a tradition in Thunderdome where you don't respond to crits in the thread with anything other than "thanks." It's largely because if everyone responded to their crits, there would be a bunch of noise and posts most people don't want to read in the thread. I think no one generally cares what your reasoning was for doing x or y thing, or why you made a certain mistake. Just fix it on your next story and try to improve. If you do have a response that is a question or you really do want additional feedback, are confused by the crit, etc., you can post the question in the fiction advice thread and people will be happy to answer it.

No one is really "angry" here, but TD has a forced angry tone so that it won't turn into a hug box.

Ah, I see! Thanks for the heads up.

Thyrork
Apr 21, 2010

"COME PLAY MECHS M'LANCER."

Or at least use Retrograde Mini's to make cool mechs and fantasy stuff.

:awesomelon:
Slippery Tilde

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I've put my comments into the google doc. I'll repeat some of the general comments here, since they're applicable to a whole lot of people. Google drive is cool and great, and everybody should use it for editing/crit work.

Thanks boss, I've thrown up at least one significant question about your feedback (the twee thing), I'd love a reply, and we'll keep any discussion on the 'doc.

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet

Erogenous Beef posted:

A Classy Ghost - “A Gift for Amy”

TL;DR: I hate you, please die.

Thanks for the crit, but I'm already a ghost, sucker :c00l:

Guiness13
Feb 17, 2007

The best angel of all.

RedTonic posted:

4.


You could have played up the central conflict in this tale more. The narrator was more interested in her own irritation than she was in Audrey's reluctance to give up the life she already knew, but I was more interested in Audrey than in the narrator's exasperation. Your wizard's griping felt self-indulgent, but Audrey's anxiety was actually interesting. Your diction could have been tighter in places; phrases like "I take a sip" work better as "I sip," and you let some passive voice slip in where it was unnecessary ("It’s a debate I’ve seen play out again and again" vs "I've seen this debate play out again and again").

Thanks for the crit!

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo
hey so im gonna crit "sequelae" by Hammer Bro, even tho i have no business critting anyone haha. im doing it because i dont think anyone else has, if someone else has critted it let me know and ill crit something else.

"Bluebeard the Pirate?"

Bluebeard wasn't a pirate. i get that the kid is ten years old or whatever but shouldn't he naturally refer to Blackbeard?

"Slowly, impersonally, he gathered up the corpse of Randall and went to the basement."

who is Randall?

"All around him was death and despair."

i think you shouldnt use small d death after namedropping cap D Death, it feels awkward. im not sure what else you can use, but i feel death as an image loses its potency once youve already established that the death god or whatever is a bitch.

you use the word dissipate five times. its a cool word but like a lot of sweet words loses its effect after you use it more than once in a story. at least you spelled it right tho, i used it this week and im pretty sure i didnt.

the main motivation of dantes seems to get dropped. its cool if he doesnt manage to save dominic, but clear it up a bit, because as it is im not sure if killing death did anything. if it did or didnt, just throw a couple of words in there. (upon rereading it he seemed pretty convinced it would do something.)

im not sure what the ending means? i am definitely dumb though.

Pham Nuwen
Oct 30, 2010


spectres of autism posted:

im not sure what the ending means? i am definitely dumb though.

I'm pretty sure he became Death, if that's what you mean

Jagermonster
May 7, 2005

Hey - NIZE HAT!

Noeland posted:

Three Dimensions, More or Less 1272 words

Chairchucker already gave you a pretty good crit, but I just want to expand on your choice of a starting point which led to all the boring exposition. Always start as close to the end as possible (https://www.writingclasses.com/InformationPages/index.php/PageID/538). You had some neat ideas and imagery, but it was all wasted on a dull slog of a narration. Try rewriting the story starting with the passage of the freaky tome cutting the narrator, with a vivid intro line. Then, you can go back, as he's worrying about the side effects/what will happen to him, and briefly talk about the guy who cut a paper cut from the Necronomicon, etc.. Then jump into the meat of the story, pushing the boundaries of his new found powers and the consequences.

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi
Mar 26, 2005

Thanks for the crit, Beef.

Pham Nuwen
Oct 30, 2010


newtestleper posted:

awesome crit

Thanks, this is great!

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh
I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003
I might add that the not responding to crits thing is about politeness, too. No one is forced to take anyone else's crit seriously, but they have spent their time and effort reading your story, and if you think something they have said (such as your overuse of voice) isn't valid for any reason don't throw their effort back in their face by telling them- just thank them, take the parts of the crit you find useful, and move on.

POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.
Pillbug
7.

Pham Nuwen posted:

Chance Man
1065 words

Interesting setting choice. Some of the earlier paragraphs are clunky; the narrative starts choking on the exposition you want to share with us. I like the idea of Chance Men, but you could have worked that element in more gracefully than a fourth wall breaking aside barely 100 words into the story. The dropped penny was kinda goofy. Would a Soviet assassin really go for goofy? I think he'd be more likely to indulge in comedic yet grotesque overkill. Some tense shifting threw me out of the story. Sometimes it seemed like you had not decided if your protag was narrating events as they occurred or sometime after the fact.

8.

Hammer Bro. posted:

Sequelae (1267 words)

I really liked this one. It worked for me. The only part that bothered me was Bashnya Tower, which I'm pretty sure just means Tower Tower. The sentence fragments in section 2 didn't give the staccato feeling you might have intended; they just kind of made me stumble over that portion of the narrative. You didn't weigh the story down with exposition and you didn't waste words on useless detail. Tommy's disappearance does represent a dangling thread I would have liked to have seen tucked away. I also kind of expected Dante to go harvest lives at that ballgame.

9.

Something Else posted:

Seeds on the Wind
1224 Words

The ongoing narration by Foster felt jumbled and overblown. I'm not sure a first person, one-sided conversation was the best way to roll with this story. I expected more of the conflict to center on the only other named character, Dean, not for the tale to end with an unceremonious chomp on the unnamed guest with no Dean to be seen. The story could use a serious pruning. A more spare monologue would get the point across without spending all the reader's patience. The prompt was not fully exploited, either.

10.

Claven666 posted:

Old Lady Carbuncle
1286 words

The townie voice in this one is pretty inconsistent. If you want to do a regional variant on a hayseed, you gotta pick which region you're trying to invoke, then use it judiciously. Your narrator didn't stumble on a phrase like "town process server" but then mangled "obligation"? That doesn't feel right. I like the framing device, though I don't think it added to the tale. This is the only fiction I've read in quite a while that involved eminent domain, so... Good job!

11.

AgentCooper posted:

Tulpas for the One Percent
848 words

Mercifully brief. Your irredeemable protagonist starts off in a sour negotiation, which goes exactly nowhere. Then we're treated to a lot of expository junk which also goes nowhere. Lastly, we're introduced to someone who's not about to revoke your character's W-card... And that goes nowhere, too. Are you a wizard?

12.

thehomemaster posted:

Stairways
1191 words

Straight out of the gate you both tell us and show us how Luke's apartment ages. You can just stick with the showing and dispense with the sentence fragments, which don't do much stylistically. I'm guessing the single quotation marks are a British thing, so I can't really pick on that, but you did miss an opening mark on at least one line of dialogue. I guess some Orientalism is unavoidable in the context of wizard week. I don't know why you're coy about opening with the story's conflict. I don't see any benefit to burying it. I would have enjoyed more build-up about breaking into heaven instead of spending my attention budget trying to figure out what Luke's problem was before he finally confronted St. Peter.

Pham Nuwen
Oct 30, 2010


I wrote a barbarian story while sitting in the airport, we're just supposed to post those whenever right?

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.



Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

I won't take up one of these slots, but these graph crits are really neat and useful for getting a clear picture of your story's relative strengths / weaknesses and the newbies out there should be jumping on them.

Jay O
Oct 9, 2012

being a zombie's not so bad
once you get used to it

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

I don't know what it is yet, but sure! Graph me a crit, please!

Jagermonster
May 7, 2005

Hey - NIZE HAT!

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

I will take one of those. Thank you.

Pham Nuwen
Oct 30, 2010


Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

Yes please, thanks!

POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.
Pillbug

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

I'd like that!

Wangless Wonder
May 27, 2009

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

I'll take one, thanks!

thanks for the crit broenheim

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010


If you must blink, do it now.

Pham Nuwen posted:

I wrote a barbarian story while sitting in the airport, we're just supposed to post those whenever right?
A true barbarian posts when he wants to.

More seriously, "Yes." The point of an interprompt is something short and sweet (and often silly) to fill the time between submissions closing and judgment being rendered.

Sodacan
Dec 6, 2014

it's a nose, right? right?

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

Sounds good! Yes please!

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo

Pham Nuwen posted:

I'm pretty sure he became Death, if that's what you mean

ah i see. that is pretty neat

flerp
Feb 25, 2014
Example of a twist graph crit for those curious:

quote:

Morning Bell—Julie, Mon Cheri

Out of everything I read this week, I think this story did the most with the prompt, because it made me feel more tension than anything else. You set the stakes up nicely with the first third of the story and keep the tension rolling for most of the narrative.

This story gave me the best sense of character as well—normally third-person present tense isn’t the best idea, but you make it work here, mainly because you use key details to say a lot about the main character in a small space.

The story’s a bit predictable and tacked-on as to how it ends, and I definitely think the whole discovery scene could have been less of a sitcom cliché. But otherwise, this was great and you should be proud of it. Besides the ending, what kept it from the win was the depth in the supporting characters—they seemed a bit too much like Julie’s props. Nonetheless, nice job.

ravenkult
Feb 3, 2011


I'll take a graph crit!

Jay O
Oct 9, 2012

being a zombie's not so bad
once you get used to it

Broenheim posted:

Example of a twist graph crit for those curious:

Yeah I was curious after requesting them so I found the post from week 115. Very cool stuff if you want to look at it.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
For those deciding which stories to critique, this page may be useful: it shows which stories have already gotten feedback. I don't promise up-to-the-minute accuracy, but I'll be updating it as I see new crits.

Judges using judgemode may wish to avoid that link!

dmboogie
Oct 4, 2013

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

Graphs are nice! I'll take a spot, please.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

hotsoupdinner posted:

The Wizard's Song 1265 words



Critting this in google docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pau8ChbQoBF7Vq2u79D_4AQaFrUcvnf-pCS5h524Rro/edit?usp=sharing

Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face

Ironic Twist posted:

I will provide graph crits in the style of week 115 to the first ten people that ask (someone else can share an example of said crits via a link). First come first served.

Please graph me a crit. Thank you!

Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax
Fun Shoe

Thanks for that!

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

Thank you for this!

Something Else
Dec 27, 2004

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022
Thanks for the crit from monster week Grizzled Patriarch, and thanks for the crit from this week RedTonic. Now it's time for me to do my part. :patriot:

Doctor Idle posted:

Helka’s Inheritance
(1,297 Words)

You painted a cool world here, lots of great imagery from the craggy ice cavern to the happily pulsing stone to the huge spire with reappearing furniture and windows into alternate realities. Overall it felt like an interesting cross between House of Leaves and a YA novel like Divergent or Red Queen. In that regard, you did make use of certain cliches (hellbeasts, the Harbinger, the Allfather, etc) as shortcuts when a more unique visual description would have been nice. There were a few typos, and you switched tenses a few times which can be jarring, but there wasn't anything that really held me up or made me stop reading. The main thing that felt off for me about this story was that it seemed like a very personal journey for Helka - she's at the end of a quest pertaining to her dead father, and the story is about her learning she's an all-powerful, all-important wizard after a lifetime of thinking herself powerless - and yet, the writing is very removed from Helka's perspective. The descriptions are largely objective, detailing Helka's journey up the tower in real-ish-time, but you only rarely give us a glimpse of how Helka actually feels about what's around her, aside from fairly standard reactions to seeing things like hellbeasts or visions of the Harbinger from outside space-time. The most glaring instances of this failing in the story are when you dip into passive voice - "Travelling through space was a being of pure energy. An unbridled rage was felt just by gazing upon it" - which would easily (though maybe not satisfyingly) be improved by phrasing it as "Helka saw etc. etc."

Hope this helps, Doc!

POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.
Pillbug
#13 SadisTech, I'mma let you finish... When I can get home and put you in a gdoc.

14.

Fuschia tude posted:

Hourly Wages - 919 words

Double Magnus this week, okay. I don't get the sense that you're trying to parody anything, so the name is just a bit overblown instead. The sentence fragments here don't work stylistically. A bunch of us keep trying to gainfully employ fragments, only to find that they keep stealing from the till. This story was surprisingly sweet and even touching given the prompt you received. I expected someone to be humiliated in the story, which never happened. Also, it was brief and mainly devoid of flab.

15.

Omi no Kami posted:

The Nightly Portents
1,245 words

The jilted wizard aspect didn't create much conflict or tension, but I enjoyed the sorta Sports Night-like view of a wizarding show by and for wizards. The overblown off-stage dialogue could have used toning down. The extra details about the backstage dungeon zone felt extraneous. Once again, that space would have served more effectively if spent on the conflict instead of the setting. I definitely didn't expect an 8th century TV meteorologist, though, so props. I'd read more about this show.

16.

Morning Bell posted:

The Eye Thief 1,261 words

A pass through a grammar checker or a proofreader would have smoothed out many of this entry's rough edges. The first section lost my attention once we got through with eyeballs being on everything; that's a lot of exposition and description without the conflict even being mentioned. That's a shame, since you have a fine reason for your protagonist to fight. The rebel meeting served basically no purpose. You've got some tense shifts here and there which are disorienting. Sometimes you forget how many eyes Desmond has, too, which is a bit alarming. Condense the pertinent details from section one (eyes on all the poo poo!), dump the second section, proofread everything else, and you've got an eerie story that trades well on eye injury.

17.

Nubile Hillock posted:

Wizard 1300 words

Could it have at least been titled "Wizard Weed"? Anyway, I don't know what's happening in that second sentence. Fog is coming in, maybe? It's distracting. I pretty much had no idea where this story was going to go at any time, and I was actually alright with that. Like I told the other guys... Please proofread. The only things after the Seattle tendrils that really rustled my jimmies were pointless mechanical errors. Mustache of bees. :drat:

18.

Tyrannosaurus posted:

Nothing More. Nothing Less.
1234 words

This didn't stick to the voices prompt, but it was a cool story of friendship and also wizards. I expected Ivar to get into some poo poo over bringing back the dead, given the amount of space devoted to his father's ideas of optimal wizarding. I suppose that would fall under unfulfilled narrative promise, something I am informed is nearly criminal. You've got some randomly capitalized stuff (war party doesn't need it) and one mis-used word I noticed (regulated should be relegated). I enjoyed this. The dialogue did a strong job of establishing Ivar and Hrefna's relationship. I totally believe she'd tell the god in charge that wizards go to first heaven from now on, no ifs, ands, or buts.

19.

Meeple posted:

Hair of the Dog
1,300 words

Noir wizards, sure. You've a tense shift ("slide" would be better as "slid," and probably was a typo) in the middle. I like the plot, but something about the narration doesn't feel fresh. I don't know how to put it. Maybe you tried too hard to hit the tone of the genre without giving the narrative a chance to find its own voice.

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Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.



Some random drive-by minicrits:

Benny Profane:

I was about to be upset about the exposition-dump intro paragraph, and then I got to Disco Wizard and the tonal whiplash kind of worked.

"Well, it’s pure luck that I, too, had a last minute cancellation," I say, lying. The yellow loops of skepticism that float in her aura tell me she's not buying it, but she smiles politely. -- some redundancy here. You basically tell us he's lying in three different ways, when one would do. I'd keep "yellow loops of skepticism" because that's a concrete visual detail. Everything else is just telling.

Gelatinous Cube is a great name for a band / artist.

Strong prose as usual, nice imagery, consistent tone. You give us some nice characterization, but the ending is a cliffhanger. Just as the conflict hits a boiling point, things end.

Kaishai:

Very neat concept that you pull off with your usual skill. Strong prose, breezy pacing, and the conflict is established right away. The confrontation with the summonling feels a little underwhelming, though I can't put my finger on why. The story has a clear arc and wraps up nicely, though I almost think it would have been a stronger ending without the final paragraph. On the one hand I like that the statue is in itself a kind of epitaph, but the time jump is a bit jarring.

CrazySalamander:

First of all, I know it's been mentioned already, and I'm glad you decided to post instead of dropping out, but you should definitely avoid the self-deprecation. Let your words speak for themselves instead of telling people to expect the worst before they even get started.

You give us a clear conflict and action in the first two lines, which is a good start and more than a lot of people managed. It was a little tough to follow some of the action, but you did a reasonable job of putting me in the protag's mindset. The actual confrontation between these two wizards is pretty abrupt. I'm not really clear on why Sister had to impale them both, and there wasn't enough characterization to get a good feel for who they were / their relationship.

Shifting POV in such a short piece is kind of risky, and I don't think it quite works here. It sort of asks more questions than it answers, and the profanity is a little jarring because it feels way more modern than everything else.

kurona_bright:

Conflict right away is always good. Your prose is solid and complements the tone of the piece. The setting is novel, though I wish there was a little more magic at play than just stopping a guy from tapping his fingers. From context clues it sounds like maybe using magic is illegal? The rumor about the guy being a telepath seems to indicate that it's sort of unusual, at least, which had me expecting a larger conflict. In the end I'm just left kind of confused. She just calls him and asks him to stop, and he does. It's anticlimactic, since we've got the backdrop of magic and all these odd rumors that never get any payoff. Not a bad story, but it felt like there was meant to be more of it.

Djeser:

First line is a little clunky. You've got this paratactic style going on throughout, but it can feel a little choppy when action is the only thing being described. Your prose is strong enough that I wanted some more imagery to contextualize the action - it was easy to follow along, but difficult to form a clear picture of it in my mind, if that makes sense. The bit with Sif merging with the tapestry was really nice, and more detail like that would have gone a long way, I think. This is another story where the ending feels a little rushed. There's a complete arc, but it's not entirely satisfying because it's just kind of a happy ending out of left field.

Cache Cab:

I'm guessing this is meant to be a joke since you've got vaccines creating autistic wizards and like two dozen references to dicks and what to do with them, which makes me wonder why you even bothered to sign up this week. That being said, your prose really isn't bad, and you have some suitably gross detail here and there. Using fleas to cause a disease and escape was a reasonably creative and thematic way of dealing with the conflict.

The dialogue is just horrendous, though. I don't know what dialect you are going for here, or if you just made up your own, but it's incredibly annoying to read and does a poor job of conveying even the simplest information. At first it almost seemed like a really tone-deaf mangling of AAVE, and then later it comes off like some off-brand Scottish parody. I dunno. You've got a conflict and resolution, but the way it plays out is sort of boring and predictable, and there's no characterization at all, which means I don't care about the protag's plight to begin with.


Benny the Snake:

On the plus side, this had fewer proofreading errors than some of your other stories. Also no wikipedia info-dumping. It wasn't perfect, but it was better. Your characters also feel a little less wooden, and you give them some actual motivations.

The most annoying part about this was by far the song lyrics. They are like a fourth of your wordcount, and you wrote in them in a way that doesn't even make sense. Perfect example: "Aaaaaaalllll-aaaa-loooongg-the-waaa-ch-tow-aaaaaaaah!" Like, try singing those lyrics the way you've spelled them out here. This is the way a crazy drunken street busker with voices in his head would sing it. It's also worth noting that you could never submit this story anywhere for publication, because including all those lyrics would get you sued into the ground.

Aside from that, you kind of fall back on your usual combination of cartoonishly evil authority figure + random violence. Why did he kill the cop? Because the magic stopped working on him and now he's making them move from places where it's illegal to panhandle? Surely murdering a cop in front of a bunch of other cops in riot gear is not a rational response to that in any sane person's mind. The magic itself is kind of unclear. If they can basically bewitch a crowd, why are they playing on the street for tips instead of using it to sell out arenas or something? You don't even show us how it works or what happens as a result - you just tell us it works, somehow. This isn't the best thing you've written, but it's better than a lot of your earlier pieces. Focus on showing, not telling, make an extra proofreading pass for simple errors (switching up character names seems to be a common issue for some reason), and try to come up with actions that actual line up with character motivations.

Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at 21:03 on Apr 27, 2015

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